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He might have acted like Allura’s words were more uplifting than he had made out. The encouragement that he was more like Alfor than he knew and that he was an important member of the team. He knew he was an important member of the team, it didn’t always feel that way but he’d figured it out, what wasn’t important was his voice.
Shiro had made that clear.
He’d seen that Shiro had a short fuse at times, Slav brought that out of him several times. What he hadn’t thought was he’d be a victim of the anger that came from that short fuse.
Dealing with Lotor hadn’t been his call but every one of them had a right to an opinion, this was a team, not a dictatorship and if there was a team coach it wasn’t Shiro, it was Allura or Coran. They all had their doubts about helping, Pidge was the only one that had a real motivation to agree to the trade. Shiro on the other hand, a victim of Zarkon’s cruelty was willing to give their leverage over for Sam Holt.
Once again it had worked in their favour, barely. Then there was the Kral Zera, why had Shiro been so determined? Why had he snapped at him for siding with Allura, everyone else seemed to but they just hadn’t been yelled at about it.
If Shiro had a problem with him then he couldn’t help but be on edge about his place, that if Keith came back he wouldn’t just be thrown out like he didn’t matter. He was not just a seventh wheel.
This wouldn’t be like last time.
He’d still hopefully get the last word in but Shiro would know how he felt. Shiro would know that he wasn’t going to take this lying down. Lance was determined to openly seek him out, demand a few answers that wouldn’t fix this unmistakeable tension between them but would at least find some sort of common ground, a mutual understand of where the both of them stood.
So he planted himself in Shiro’s room early in the evening, leaving no chance of a mistaken run in and being scared out of saying his piece. The question was when would Shiro decide it was the right time to sleep? He was always the first of them up, as far as Lance had noticed but that didn’t mean he would be the first to retire. It could be hours before Shiro decided to sleep and he’d still be waiting there, ready to make a point.
The room was as bare as Keith’s, lacked any personality, although his wasn’t much better aside from the gaming set up. It was the greatest contrast to Pidge’s bedroom by far, the mess in her room was reflective of the fact that she hadn’t been in a military environment for as long of any of them. This was so bare and sitting in it almost made him uneasy, as though he was in the wrong room, even though he knew quite well that this was Shiro’s room.
Just being sat there was so nerve wracking, he could get kicked out immediately or even get yelled at again, perhaps even worse. People generally minimised their explosions around other people. In private with no one to seem who knew what would happen.
Was making Shiro admit he was wrong worth the risk? Surely it had to be.
Tap, tap, tap, tap. It was a slow rhythm, nothing that sounded like a song, just a distraction from his thoughts. Keep himself as relaxed as possible, but still serious. There was no time for nerves right now.
The door slid open and shut within seconds, Lance practically standing at attention when Shiro laid eyes on him. He felt so insecure, even though he’d gone in with such a strong mindset. “How did you get in here?” It wasn’t cold or accusatory, there was an almost amused curiosity to it even though he was sure Shiro would quickly turn against him.
“I just walked in, I didn’t realise you’d attempted to keep people out of here.” It was a truthful response, but not the best one. “I wanted to talk.”
“You always have something to say don’t you?” It was still gentle, teasing, even though Lance was making an attempt to brace himself for a fight. He didn’t want it to turn into one but he wasn’t going to pretend that it wasn’t going to go that way.
Lance shifts his feet, letting himself lean against the wall, when they first became members of Voltron he never would have had the courage to act so casual, nor would he have ever confronted Shiro once let alone for a second time. “The discussion about the Kral Zera… the first one when you yelled at me-”
“I apologised for that.” The way he said apologised was the snap, Lance hearing it without even having to take a look at Shiro, he’d hit a sore spot. He wasn’t entirely sure why but it was definitely something that they needed to talk through.
“That didn’t make it okay, I looked up to you for years and just when I thought my opinions were as valuable as every other person you targeted me for having the same view as everyone else.” He wanted to say so much more than just that.
He met Shiro’s hard stare, feeling as his own expression softened, made him look weaker for just a moment. The last thing he wanted was to look weak in Shiro’s eyes. The weaker he was perceived to be the more likely Shiro would be able to just brush off his feelings like none of this actually mattered. “I’m not apologising for doing what needed to be done. Everything went our way.”
“Because you got lucky, what if Haggar had prepared som-” He fell silent when Shiro put a hand up, he had probably heard these words from Allura already, she certainly hadn’t been happy at Shiro’s decision to ignore her. “What am I doing that’s so wrong? Because everyone else agreed but you only got pissed off with me.”
“You’re the one that’s supposed to stand by me!” Shiro snapped, Lance pressing his lips into a line, he wasn’t going to act like this was okay, that Shiro’s short temper was something he was going to ignore and move on from.
“I’m not Keith, I’m not going to dive in to protect you without question.” He said softly, looking to the ground, wasn’t Keith a sore spot for all of them? He’d been the leader that had simply up and left the team, forcing Shiro back into a role he didn’t want and leaving Lance questioning his role once again. “I’m also one of the few people that’s never attempted to leave this team or disappeared for months at a time, even though I’d willingly step down if it was in the best interests of everyone. Are you so proud because the right hand you don’t even want or like doesn’t side with you that you need to make an example of me? I’m not going to stand by you just because I should.”
“Are you done?”
That stung, Lance tempted to just push past Shiro and leave, wait until another thing came up, because it seemed like there was always going to be something to come up. “What did I do to you?”
Shiro seemed to only get more annoyed with him every time he opened his mouth, shifting between the snapping when he said too much and the quiet anger, the harsh words that made him want to give up entirely. “You’re just like him, injecting an opinion when all I want is some sort of support. Do you have any idea what it’s like for the person you’re supposed to trust the most turn against you?” Shiro took small steps towards him, he wasn’t in striking range yet, although he can’t imagine what he could say that could get Shiro to that point.
“I didn’t turn against you.”
“Get out.”
Lance blinked, standing stiff, not knowing if he should listen or not. He came to the quick conclusion to stick to his gut and choose the latter. “I’m not your enemy.” He finds his voice to be too quiet, like a timid child rather than someone that is supposed to be sticking up for themselves. It wasn’t because he didn’t have a spine or because he was scared, Lance just didn’t know how he was supposed to react when Shiro was nothing but hostile with him when he was trying to be more mature.
“I said get out.”
He stepped closer, definitely in striking distance now. “No.”
“You think not walking out makes you anything less like Adam? You still stabbed me in the back when I needed you of all people to be the one backing me up.”
Adam… There was plenty of talk that they’d been together before the Kerberos mission but he’d never heard any sort of confirmation. “Why, I’m the worst member on this team, you clearly think that?”
“You called yourself the seventh wheel, not me.”
“You didn’t disagree.”
“Was that what you wanted, another boost to your ego?”
“Don’t make this a stupid pride thing.”
“You’re the one that made it about pride!” Lance visibly flinched as the other yelled, trapped against the wall with no real way to run now, if Shiro tried a third time to get him out he would scurry to the door with his tail between his legs at this point.
“Because you claim I’m disrespectful and a backstabber, if you hate me so much then try and force Keith to come back and push me out. You never used to be like this, I thought you considered us to be friends before you disappeared.” He’s amazed he can still sound composed when a part of him just wants to cry.
Shiro must see that because there’s a hesitation, he doesn’t quickly fire back like he has been, perhaps Lance had finally struck the right nerve. “I don’t hate you. I just saw a moment in my past that hit the wrong nerve and unleashed it and you bringing it up again made it worse.” The tone used isn’t the most comforting but it isn’t a cold or robotic response so Lance is relieved the other isn’t being entirely fake with him.
Why did it feel like flipping a switch, Lance could have sworn he was going to get whiplash with all these different personalities Shiro seemed to be giving off. “Then tell me that. I don’t want to be a doormat or punching bag just because I remind you of Adam.” He wanted to ask why, but it wasn’t the right time, it was just going to make this more uncomfortable and possibly start another argument.
“I’m not asking for blind trust, just some back up.” If that would make things easier for them all then Lance would swallow the bitter pill that was Shiro’s unpredictable behaviour of late and do just that.
He nodded slowly, a hand resting itself on Shiro’s shoulder. He wasn’t about to push boundaries and force the other into a hug but a reassuring touch could go a long way. “I still don’t understand but I think this is a better place than we were earlier.” He uttered, shifting under the weight of Shiro’s hands that had taken his hips.
Not pulling him any closer but not pushing him away either. As though Shiro was trying to figure out if he should cross a line or not. “I’m sorry, you don’t deserve to have me putting pain that should be long gone in you. It’s not right.”
“Thank you...” Before Lance has the chance to say anything else he’s pulled into a hug, his own arms quickly flying around Shiro’s neck, keeping himself from just awkwardly standing there waiting for it to end.
He didn’t want it to end. For Shiro to pull away and then politely indicate that he wanted him to leave. So he held onto him tight, Shiro’s own grip seeming to tighten at that, Lance listening to the soft breathing that came from the other man, perhaps he should have been more aware that Shiro was hurting, chosen a better way to handle this. None of them had done the best of jobs looking out for their leader of late.
The arms around him shift slowly, pulling him in closer. Perhaps Shiro didn’t want to let go either. Perhaps they needed each other’s support more than the other knew. Certainly more than Lance knew, he’d never considered the possibility that Shiro could be vulnerable and even now he was doing a good job of trying to hide just how vulnerable he felt.
Even though their bodies are close, Lance felt Shiro tilt his head back, moving his own head back slightly. Their eyes met briefly, vulnerability scared him when it was him, on Shiro it was absolutely terrifying.
Maybe that was why he leaned in, letting their noses bump together, just for a moment, stopping the moment he heard Shiro take a shaky breath. “I’m okay, don’t look so scared of me.” Lance had no idea what his expression looked like but his moment of concern obviously translated poorly.
Walking in there was no way it had crossed his mind that he’d be in such a position, to be so tempted to kiss him, make some sort of a move. Right now he wanted to, given he was the one that had hesitated Lance suspected Shiro would have let it run it’s natural course. “Am I allowed to…” He trailed off, not sure how he was even supposed to ask for permission.
It seemed he didn’t need to, Shiro kissing him, their lips barely overlapping at first, Lance more nervous than he’d ever been. Although this wasn’t kissing Jenny Shaybon, this wasn’t even like what he’d dreamt about with Allura. It was something he didn’t think he’d wanted, Shiro was someone he’d wanted to be like for all these years not someone he wanted to be with. The possibility of it confused him.
He was quick to warm up to it, Shiro’s left hand reaching up and resting on his cheek, coaxing him into opening his mouth. Nothing felt like pressure, gentle nudging perhaps but the fact that with each kiss there was no hint of either one of them using tongue. Lance knowing he was going to have to deepen it if he wanted anything more.
This didn’t have to go anywhere, they could stop here, a moment of weakness for the both of them trying to comfort each other. He was slow at first, but the moment his tongue grazed Shiro’s, the other’s tongue met his. It suddenly felt frantic, Lance being pressed against the wall, the galra hand helping him wrap his legs around Shiro’s hips. “Is this too much?” Shiro asked as his lips moved to Lance’s neck, the younger of the two unable to pretend like the small noise he made was just him being breathless.
“Maybe… I like it but I don’t know if I want to do this.” Even though he was unable to gesture, the way their bodies were pressed together made it obvious what he was referring to. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be.” Shiro let him down slowly, giving his a soft kiss before stepping away.
It felt awkward, Lance wishing he’d not turned down whatever the offer had been just moments before. However, it was better if he didn’t let it escalate to the point that he was uncomfortable. “Can I have some time to think?” It was an odd request but if he jumped into this and then regretted it he didn’t want Shiro to feel like he’d been stabbed in the back all over again.
“Of course, if you need to talk about it stop you can.”
It was certainly nothing like last time.