Chapter Text
January
Your heart is
an icy cold January night,
your ventricles are
chambers of crystal -
solid and unforgiving,
you are the place
where my heart burns.
The first thing Bakugou bought that year was a calendar.
It was a boring, simple one that he hung on his bedroom door, there was nothing especial on it, just a plain, simple, calendar that he bought as he would buy every other year, that he would soon forget about so it would be on the same page for three months before he would notice it and turn the page to the actual month, and as any other year, Kirishima came and wrote every birthday or important event he needed to know, even though Bakugou complained about "Why do I need to know about those asshole's birthdays?" he let Kirishima write them down, as any other year. There was a birthday missing, but neither of them commented about it. Instead, Bakugou even mumbled a thanks when he noticed the blank space on January 11. Kirishima smiled softly and was even able to pet the blonde hair, not really surprised that Katsuki didn’t try to punch him on the face.
He closed his eyes and thought about new year, about the fireworks and suddenly he felt lonely, thinking about that kiss with the snow falling around, falling on the white hair that Bakugou caressed with the excuse of ‘There’s snow on it, dumbass’.
There was, indeed, but that wasn’t why he caressed his hair.
It’s been a week since day 11 and he’s still thinking about what happened, what he could have had and what he should have done. He remembers a quote he once heard, “Of all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these, 'It might have been’’ and honestly? He agrees. As he thinks of what he and Shouto could have been, he agrees.
January 11.
That’s a day Katsuki learned to love, a day he started to be aware of on their second year of high school at Shouto’s birthday party. He remembers clearly, the food his classmates begged him too cook, ‘It’s Todoroki’s birthday, please, Bakugou!’ they asked and, how annoying, how could he deny? Shouto ate and everyone talked, he thanked Bakugou but did not stay for the after party. Everyone thought he did, but as soon as everyone got a little tipsy, Shouto left the room and never came back. Katsuki found him sitting in the front of the dorms, watching the snow fall.
“I don’t really like my birthday” and, as the snow fell next to Shouto, the white background giving him a delicate, fragile look, Bakugou decided that he would like his birthday for him.
On they third year, they were already dating, so they ditched the party with the excuse of a private party, if you understand what they meant. So they cuddled on Katsuki’s bed, the blonde sitting on Shouto’s lap and being hugged by his back, and watched Netflix, an action movie that Bakugou was dying to watch.
That day was Shouto’s birthday but it was Katsuki who received a gift, a quiet “I love you, Katsuki” whispered on his ear and Shouto face was hidden on his shoulder now.
“Don’t cry, idiot.”
“Who’s crying?” he snorted and lifted his head, cleaning Katsuki’s tears.
It’s been four years now but he still remembers that day, it wasn’t the first ‘I love you’ he heard, but it was the first one that he cared for. He decided he couldn’t live without his ‘I love you’s anymore. So this year, January 11, he and Shouto are sitting side by side, on Katsuki’s favorite coffee shop, Bakugou is with his eyes closed, head resting on Shouto’s shoulder when the icy man spoke:
“Let’s break up, Katsuki.”
He opened his eyes, surprised, and then laughed, because “Fuck, Shouto, you need to learn how to joke, bastard” but Shouto’s expression was serious, so he froze. “Are you serious?” and he nodded. He asked why, but Shouto kept quiet. Katsuki was staring at him, but Shouto couldn’t meet his eyes, so he stared at the floor.
He isn’t sure when he got up of the couch and left, leaving his jacket behind. His fingers were frozen and he couldn’t see very well behind his tears, even so, he texted a message to the first person that came to his mind. Kirishima called him as soon as he read the message, “Where are you, man?”
Katsuki gulped, he didn’t want to cry. Not with Kirishima listening. Still, he couldn’t deny the call. He couldn’t. He looked around, where was he? He shouldn’t let his feet guide him, never, but it was a weak moment so his legs thought for him. “I don’t know.”
“Do you want to meet?”
“No.”
They kept quiet for a while. “You can cry if you want, Katsuki.”
No, he couldn’t. They kept quiet for maybe half an hour, until Bakugou hang up and went home. At the emptiness of his own room, he cried until he slept. He thought the world would end along with his relationship. Even so, next morning it was January 12, the sun was bright in the sky, mocking him. He closed his eyes and went back to bed, where he stayed all day.
He hated Deku.
He hated Deku with all his might.
But Deku was a good friend.
Deku was visiting him every day since he heard about the break up (apparently, he heard it from Kirishima, even though he was Shouto’s best friend) and at first Katsuki thought he was coming because Shouto asked for but “No, Kacchan, he hasn’t spoken a word about it.”
Katsuki gulped down. “He… He never told me the reason.”
It wasn’t a question, but Midoriya replied “No. He didn’t.”
“I fucking hate him.”
“No, you don’t.”
He hated Deku. But Deku was always fucking right.
After a week, he started to recover. Deku bought him food everyday, that doesn’t mean he would eat it, he wasn't feeling like it, even though Midoriya always bought his favorites, but after seeing his childhood friend’s worried face, he decided that the food wasn’t so ‘shitty’ and he may or not have smiled back at Deku. He would hang out with Camie and Kirishima and would focus more on his work. Everything was fine. After two weeks without news of Shouto besides the ones on TV, about how well was the hero doing and that soon he would reach number one spot, he decided that nothing was fine.
After that special programs about the Hero Shouto that lasted one hour and Katsuki watched every single minute of it, Ashido knocked on his house with Camie and Ochako, they probably have seen the news and came to see how he was. Camie was probably drunk and Ochako may have been forced to come, but as they laughed and watched a dumb american movie about teenage girls, Bakugou was able to forget about certain someone for a while, then they bad mouthed Shouto (Ochako didn’t, actually, since she's one of his best friends in the world, but she agreed that he was an asshole to not even explain why. And Camie kept going on about how how Shouto was hot, but, ‘Katsu is sooo much hotter! Uh, gal, he doesn’t ‘now wut he’s lost!’) and ate popcorn.
When Bakugou got quiet, remembering that he never really bothered with Shouto’s lack of fashion sense or how his face was blank as rock, which he just talked about how fucking annoying it was. It wasn’t. Ashido noticed his silence (he doesn’t know how, since Camie was still screaming) and started to yell about ‘Don’t even think about him, Blasty! He doesn’t deserve your time!’. It didn’t make it any better, but he smiled.
Even Ochako tried to help, even though she wasn't exactly close to Katsuki, but she was kind and Bakugou let her caress his hair in the middle of the third movie. Even when they left, Ochako smiled to him and said "You are a good person, Bakugou, you'll find someone and everything will work fine" and he may or not have felt grateful for a second, for the intention only, since he didn't want no one else at this moment that wasn't a certain fire user. "I'll take you to a party on our day off" she even promised.
They just left on the morning, and actually, Camie stayed longer because “Hon, your neighbor is such a hot snatch, no way I’m going until he leaves his house” and they watched by the window until the guy (truly hot, Katsuki approved) went through the door, so Camie could pass by accident. The guy was hot, but not that much. Camie looked at him while she flirted with that guy and he rolled his eyes, aware that she stayed longer to be with him. He was thankful, not that he would ever admit it.
Five days later he was laying in bed, rolling down the conversations he and Shouto once had. It was ridiculous how bad and awkward Shouto was with technology. His texts were too serious and often he didn’t understand Katsuki’s meme references, but that was old and by time he got used to it, to the point that everyday Katsuki would wake up to a video of a cat or a ‘meme’ that Shouto thought Katsuki would like. He read the misspellings of ‘I love you’ (U lovw yoy) that once made him laugh, but now was just a punch to his heart.
He reads all their conversation, from the awkward beginning on their first years when Shouto asked for the answers to the history homework, to the last text, “I’m sorry”, January 11. He sent that as soon as Bakugou left the coffee shop, he remember seeing that and getting even angrier. He passed by that coffee shop today, but wasn't able to get in, his feet didn't move. He would need to find another favorite place. And another favorite person. Why did it have to end? If he knew it would end, he would have never started, that's why. You can't get into a relationship thinking about it end, you have to enjoy while it lasts. He wonders if they enjoyed. He asks if they did enjoy, why did he break up him him?
He remembers everything they said, everything they could have said and everything they could never. There were so many things he wished he had said, but now he could only think of a question, "Why?". Was there someone else? If there was, did Shouto and that person had something while Bakugou and him were still together? He was cheated? Or was platonic? Was Shouto in love with the idea of a relationship with someone else, even though he had a real one with Katsuki? Was that even real? Maybe it was fake. Maybe it was real at the begging, then Shouto's feelings began to fade until they disappeared, since when? Since when Shouto felt nothing when he was with Katsuki? Maybe they cuddled, Katsuki's feeling warm and safe while Shouto felt nothing. Maybe he thought about breaking up many times. Why? Is it because of his personality? He knows he's not the easiest person to get along with, but that's why he was with Shouto, he thought he doesn't bother with his potty mouth or anger issues. Would Katsuki change if Todoroki asked?
There were just so many questions in a simple "Why?", so many. He was sure some of them didn't have an answer, and he was sure some of them shouldn't be answered.
It was late at night when he finished reading. He looked the window, head out of the bed, hanging upside down and thought. Just thought. His mind was free to wander; about the cold, January, about old romances and the ones that would come, about his friends and about Shouto. His mind were elsewhere, a place where Shouto’s minds was too, probably. The snow was falling, again, and he found himself falling for the memories of a certain boy again and again. Was it possible to fall in love with the memories of someone? He wonders if someone is thinking about him, too, but he knows that probably not. He is probably asleep already, knowing he has to wake up early tomorrow. Katsuki has too, but he doesn’t care, he’s unable to care.
And just like that, January ended with him alone in his room, thinking about a past he couldn’t go back to.