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A tall, gray building was seen in the colorless day. Light rain drizzled from the sky and muffled the quiet classical music playing from Seokjin's radio. He checked the business card which he stored in a department in front of the passenger seat. Just to make sure, he matched the address of the building with the one on the card.
This is the place he thought. Like a rubber band being stretched too far, something in him snapped. Suddenly, a wave of dread crashed into him, furthering distancing him from whom he used to be. He might as well just go in.
He turned his car off (which was a cheap out of style Sedan) and opened the door. The moment he stepped outside, the rain had quickened and strengthened. He scoffed, shaking his head. Figures.
He jogged to the front door, and opened it diligently. He was greeted with a musty smell, and his nose scrunched up at the odor. He heaved a heavy sigh, trying to ignore the utter dread that seemed to control him. Kim Seokjin was a 27 year old man, and he had been through Hell. At his last doctor's appointment, he was to fill out a survey to monitor his mental health.
Lying was not in Seokjin's dictionary. He was brutally honest (like usual) and his doctor recommended that he see a therapist ASAP. So, Seokjin was here, in the musty waiting room with beige walls and outdated magazines, along with ugly patterned chairs. Then, the door opened. It creaked with an ear-splitting screech, which made Seokjin suck in a sharp uncomfortable breath.
"Kim Seokjin?" A woman's voice said.
"Yes?" He answered reluctantly.
"Come on in."
He got up from his seat, and walked over to the half ajar door. He was face to face with a short woman, who looked to be in her forties. She was pretty, but her eyes seemed glossy with age and experience. Underneath her brown orbs were dark black bags, which signified her aging. She had wrinkles on her forehead and around her mouth, and had short styled black hair. "I'm Dr. Hong, pleasure to meet you." She said warmly, and Seokjin nodded and bowed like he was supposed to. That's really why he did everything -- because he was supposed to.
"I'm Kim Seokjin, or Jin." He muttered, and sat down on a plain black chair. Her office was spacious, with simple pale blue walls and closed windows. She had a clock on the window sill, and small succulents on the table between her chair and Seokjin's. In the front of the office, there was a desk scattered with various papers and pencils. Once they both sat down, Dr. Hong took a clipboard off of the desk and smiled pleasantly.
"So, Jin, may I ask why you are here?"
"Because my doctor recommended me to do so." Jin replied robotically, not really knowing the answer to her question.
"Well, obviously. But, your doctor mentioned to me that you seem severely depressed. Would you agree?"
"I- I don't know." Jin replied, huffing a frustrated breath. Truth be told, he didn't really feel anything. He lived everyday the same, with a routine that never seemed to change. He never really thought about his feelings, because he didn't care.
Seokjin didn't care about what happened to him. He threw the towel in -- he had given up.
"I think you do, Mr. Kim. Listen, my job is to help you. So at times I will annoy you, and pester you, but it's necessary for you to get better. So, let's try this again -- would you agree?" Dr. Hong explained, and Seokjin already felt on edge. It was like bile was threatening to spill from his mouth, but it never did -- so he was just left feeling nauseous.
After a thick moment of silence with Seokjin pondering the question, he gulped. "Yes," he began, "I would agree."
"And why is that?" Dr. Hong further interrogated. She raised one of her thin eyebrows, while continuing to write some words irrelevant to Seokjin on her clipboard.
"Because..." Seokjin began, trying to find the right words. He knew why, at least he felt it -- but he didn't know how to articulate it. "Because of her. Because of Y/N."
"Y/N? Who is that?"
"The woman who ruined my life." Seokjin scoffed. He was always a blunt person. Maybe that's why you left, because of him.
Seokjin expected a reply from Dr. Hong, but he got none. She wanted him to continue. "At first, I thought Y/N was the eye of the hurricane. Amid the chaos of my life, she was there for me. My father and mother fought constantly, which affected my grades and attendance to school. I had met Y/N in my first year of middle school. At the time, she was quite awkward looking, but she didn't let that hold her back. She spoke her mind and never let anybody manipulate her or take advantage of her. She was smarter than everybody she met, including me, and knew that. Yet -- she never once was condescending or arrogant. She used her undeniable wit to help people.
"She noticed me not coming to class often. One day, she approached me after school, talking about how we were partners for a project. 'You know, you're my partner for the science fair. We should get to working on it, so we can win.' She demanded, and at first I was hesitant. I didn't want to involve myself with such a smart girl like her, I'd feel as if I'd ruin her. Instead, she did that to me."
Seokjin took a deep breath, feeling the tears dampen his brown eyes, threatening to come out. He swallowed a lump in his throat, and continued on. "She somehow convinced me to go to her house after school the next day and work on the project. Her parents weren't around at the time, so she was living with her grandparents. And there, she'd tell me all about her and what went on in her life. I didn't know why she was telling me this, until she asked me what went on in my life. I soon realized that she was just as lonely as me.
"That chilly afternoon, I told her everything about me. And...Wow. We just bonded so much! She made me promise to show up to school the next day, and I did. From then on, our friendship was pure and a force to be reckoned with. Around the time high school came around, Y/N got her first boyfriend. It was...an odd feeling. I felt betrayed, as if I was just a supporting actor in the show of her life. I was confused to why I had felt this way...It was like a sad jealousy. And in 10th grade, when she finally broke up with him, I felt relieved. I also felt disgusted with myself for feeling such things, but I couldn't help it. Y/N, no longer awkward looking, had caught the eye of many boys throughout the school. But -- they never truly knew her. Not like I did, anyway." The tears had been falling down Seokjin's cheeks for quite a while, but he had yet to notice. He was so immersed in his own little story.
"Finally, in the 11th grade, my parents got a divorce. My father moved away and I stayed at my house with my mother. I didn't really care, since it was long overdue. I felt too preoccupied to feel anything, since I had school and a social life! But, Y/N always had a tendency to ruin things. She...well...She fucked me up, to put it bluntly. She was a beautiful, strong young woman and I was just her best friend. By 12th grade, I was madly in love with her.
"I had my girlfriends here and there, but they were flings to distract me from her. But when high school graduation finally came around -- with her being the valedictorian of course -- I thought it was time to finally confess. After the ceremony, we went to my house. My Mom had to go back to work after me graduating, so it was just us two. That night, I realized something -- I owed my life to her. So, in the middle of our movie marathon, I paused the film and looked at her. 'What is it?' she had asked, since she could easily figure out something was wrong. After a moment of tense silence, I finally let the words that I had been meaning to say for so long be said.
'I'm in love with you.' The look on her face was priceless, I caught the smartest person I knew off guard! She repeatedly said random curse words, asking why or if I was serious, and I just nodded along to whatever she said, still processing what I had just did. And then out of nowhere, she kissed me.
"Of course, I didn't hesitate to kiss back. When she pulled away, I just stared into her beautiful eyes, looking baffled. 'I just wanted to see how it would feel.'
'And?'
'I liked it.' At that moment, it felt like my life was complete. Over the summer, our romance only deepened. We got intense, and uh...intimate. Life was great! But, of course, everything good must come to an end." Seokjin felt completely broken. He had never said what had happened out loud before, and now that he was it was extremely overwhelming. Dr. Hong's eyes were intense and focused on Seokjin's words. Seokjin soon tasted the salty tears on the tip of his tongue, and he sucked in a shaky breath. "Once college rolled around, our love was so...irreversible. College wasn't a problem, since we had both applied to the same universities. Ah, I forgot to mention! Once I reached high school, I had been very serious about school, due to Y/N of course.
"So, our love didn't have to end. In fact, it only got more real as time went on. I sincerely thought I was going to marry her."
"So why didn't you?" Dr. Hong asked. Seokjin nodded, crossing his legs uncomfortably, deep in thought.
"Because, in our third year of college, she jumped off a bridge." Seokjin announced, and Dr. Hong had gasped slightly.
"But, why?"
"Well, at first, she had disappeared for a couple of days. I called her so many times! And then, while opening my drawer which was filled with my shirts, there was a folded piece of paper. I-I still have it until this day. It was her suicide note. Now, it's all tattered and dirty -- but I can still clearly read what she said. A few months before she...left, she went to a party. That night I was catching up on work, so she went by herself. To this day, my biggest regret is not going with her to that stupid fucking party. Apparently, at the party, she was raped. I had noticed something was off those few months before she died...I wish I had listened to my gut. I...I wish I could've been enough for her."
At this point, Seokjin was sobbing violently. "I went to her funeral, then I transferred universities and moved here. Her funeral was...horrible. The police asked her parents if they had gotten a message before she left, but they never did. She only wrote a letter to me, and I think her parents hate me for that. I'd hate me too."
"What did the letter say?" Dr. Hong asked, writing furiously on her clipboard.
"It explained why she left. She said that she felt dirty. Like it was her fucking fault! The bastard -- the fucking disgusting bastard -- luckily got arrested. He's serving jail time now, and I hope he rots in there. I hate him with all of my soul."
"Why do you hate, Mr. Kim?"
"Because I feel like I have lost the ability to love. I feel like I will break down if I feel anything else than hate for that godforsaken jackass, or...hate for her."
"It's normal to hate people, Mr. Kim. But you shouldn't thrive on it. What you should do, is get closure."
Closure.
Is that what he had needed all along?
-
After the meeting, Seokjin had immediately driven to the bridge where Y/N had jumped off of. He went in circles, trying to avoid the stupid bridge that was the cause of your fatality.
He parked the car near the bridge. And in the car, he had sobbed again. He could never hate you! You were the woman who had made him become a man! You were so strong, and capable! Yet, you had left him.
The rain was pounding against the ground now, falling aggressively from the sky. Seokjin got out of his car, and walked over to the bridge. He tread on the sidewalk, the one you probably walked on during your final moments. You had seen the cars zipping by, and the city's skyline in the distance. You had seen the beauty of the night, but it wasn't enough to save you.
He gulped, holding onto the railings of the bridge. He had tried every trick in the book to get over you, but nothing had sufficed.
"This is where you died!" Seokjin shouted out, to you. Hopefully your soul was peacefully resting, watching over Seokjin like you had always done. "And this is where a part of me dies, too. The part of me that's still holding onto you, Y/N. I'm letting go of you now, baby. I'll always love you, but I need to move on. Holding onto something that is gone is only bad for me. I hope you understand."
And with that, a drenched Seokjin let go of the railing and walked back to his car. He arrived inside the cramped vehicle, and drove away. On that bridge, he left you behind. He knew that there would always be a void in his heart, the one that used to be filled with his love for you. He would never stop missing you, but that was okay. He would be in love again, but just not with you.