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“I really like you, Dan. You’re really fit, I mean. I just wanted to tell you.” Renee says. She’s got a shy smile, and her curls are framing her face, flattering its round shape. She’s deliberately got one of her uniform’s buttons undone, exposing a generous amount of cleavage. She’s practically giving him bedroom eyes.
Dan wants to die.
“Right, uh, I mean – uh.” He says, scratching the back of his neck. So this is the brilliant reason Louise had told him to go to the bleachers after gym. Of course it’s now, when he’s sweaty, with his fringe curling into itself. He can feel his cheeks going red. “R—right… uhm, uh.”
It’s not like he doesn’t like Renee. She’s lovely. She’s so, so lovely, but Dan really doesn’t like her that way. He doesn’t like any girls that way, he only likes one person that way, and that person is his male best friend who will probably cheer him on if he gets a girlfriend finally. Phil is probably sick of constantly being thought of as a ‘duo’ with Dan.
They’re basically peanut butter and jelly. They’re a comedy duo. Dan acts as Phil’s bloody assistant in the magic show he performs each year during the talent show. For fuck’s sake, they’d won their school’s best friends award consecutively since beginning secondary school. There’s always been rumors about them, but they’ve never talked about it. Dan’s scared to bring it up with Phil. He’s scared of Phil being like, ‘oh yeah, it’s ridiculous, I’m straight and there’s no way I’d ever like you like that’. He doesn’t even want to know why Phil doesn’t bring it up.
Dan has a feeling Louise coordinated Renee’s confession to now, because she knows this is the only class after which he doesn’t immediately find Phil.
Renee is giggling and Dan forces a small smile on his face, maybe she thinks this is cute?
“Uh – uhm… I…” Dan is stalling now and he can tell Renee is confused as she tilts her head to the side. “I uh, thanks.”
“Right.” Renee can’t have expected for this awkwardness to have gone on so long. “So do you think, we could go get a coffee sometime?”
It’s a date. She wants to go on a bloody date with him.
“Can I get back to you – uh, after school?” Dan asks, shooting her a panicked sort of look. “Thing is I'm like, really late, and my maths teacher is going to be well, pissed I'm not, actually in my seat, right at this moment and I’ll have to… can I just… can I get your number?”
Renee’s face lightens up and she holds her hand out. Dan purposefully unlocks the phone for her – deliberately because Phil’s just texted him loads and he doesn’t want her to see – and before he knows it she’s programming her number in. She takes a photo of herself for the icon. It’s a very flattering picture, Dan thinks, she does look very lovely.
“So can you do mine?” Renee asks.
“I think I’ll just uh, text you it. Yeah.” Dan says. Has he agreed to a date? Has he not? He thinks he’s stalled for time, but Renee seems happy. Crap. Does she think she’s his girlfriend now? That would be an unfortunate turn of events. “Thanks I. I’ll get back to you, bye.”
And Dan promptly leaves – running to get to his next class – thankful that his excuse is a viable reason he might be in such a hurry.
Dan doesn’t bother to hide his glare at Louise when he sits down in his chair, behind her. He’s frowning at the back of her blonde head and he can see her squirming in her seat. The entire maths class goes on like that – contrary to what Dan had told Renee his teacher honestly doesn’t give two shits about Dan’s perpetual tardiness anymore – and when they’re dismissed, Dan puts on a scowl as Louise whirls around.
“What?” She asks.
“What, don’t what me, Louise.” Dan says. “You went and told Renee to ask me on a date.”
“Oh is that why she wanted to speak to you? How lovely!” Louise says. Dan drums his fingers on the desk. Louise tilts her head to the side with a confused expression. “Isn’t that a good thing? You’ll be getting a girlfriend before Phil, at this rate!”
There’s this running joke with their friends that there’s some ‘competition’ between Dan and Phil to get a girlfriend first. No such competition exists, and Dan certainly doesn’t like the idea of Phil getting a girlfriend or any new friend who he’ll probably like more than Dan. For some reason, all of their friends care a lot about the competition, and Dan and Phil just don’t mention it. Sometimes they’ll half-heartedly play along, but Dan really doesn’t feel like doing that right now.
“I don’t want to – “ But then, Dan realizes how weird it would be if Louise finds out that Dan doesn’t want a girlfriend, and he doesn’t want Phil to get a girlfriend, and that what he actually wants is to just snog Phil under the bleachers himself. His face heats up. “I barely even know her.”
“Well that’s what you date someone for, silly! You get to know them.” Louise lights up. “I think you two would get on well together. You’d look so cute!”
“Ugh.” Dan grumbles, uncommitted and unsold on the idea. How is he going to reject Renee without it being awkward? How is he supposed to be like ‘oh, I don’t want to date you, I actually have a crush on my guy best friend but I don’t want anyone to know I like a boy so could you just like please just not mention it to any of your friends who all probably know you like me and who will ask about my reaction’ to a teenage girl and not expect a rumor to start up that he’s gay and boning Phil even though Phil is probably straight?
He can’t. He can’t do that. He’s not even gay he’s just. He doesn’t know what he is, he just likes Phil.
“So what did you tell her?” Louise is lent forwards in her seat now. Louise always keeps all the buttons up on her school uniform, with her tie done neatly. Dan feels remarkably unprepared compared to her, and it’s not just because his top buttons are always undone and his tie’s always crooked.
“I told her I’d answer her… later.” He says.
“Later? Why the bloody hell would you wait! You silly boy, she’ll lose interest.”
Dan hopes his face doesn’t look too eager at that prospect, as he grabs his satchel off of the side of his desk. He spots a familiar face in the doorway, and he practically melts. “Phil’s here Lou, catch up with you later.”
Louise follows his movements but Dan comes to a stop besides Phil, who’s met his eyes with a smile. He and Phil are both giants but Phil’s just a hair taller than Dan. Dan appreciates not having to look down at him, he appreciates that they’re already at eye level with each other.
“Hey Dan! Have fun in maths?” Phil asks. Dan gives him a look and knocks his elbow into Phil’s shoulder.
“Maths and fun should never be used in the same sentence, Phil.” Dan can see Louise staring out of the corner of his eyes, so he shoves Phil by the back, pushing him out into the hall with vigor. “At least I can fall asleep listening to Shakespeare next.”
“You will not fall asleep in the one class we share! You’re going to trade notes with me all class instead.” Phil insists, getting the hint to walk forwards and away from Louise.
And Dan, of course, winds up spending all of English class passing stupid silly notes with Phil. It’s their daily tradition, and their teacher hasn’t caught them. Yet.
Dan starts their note this time, ripping out a piece of paper from his notebook and drawing some stick figures in a corner. Once he’s done, he folds the paper up, passes it to Phil, and tries not to stare over at his friend as he adds onto the drawing. Usually, they go through two pages a lecture – Dan won’t admit to anyone that he’s kept literally every comic they’ve ever made in a blue folder he always has in his bag.
Phil passes the comic back to him, and Dan has to hide his face at the horrible drawing of a… giraffe? Or is it a horse? He’s not sure. But either way, there’s some long-necked creature drawn beside the panel he’d drawn.
Dan decides in his next drawing to have one of the characters mount the beast, and he’s just about to add in a zinging bit of dialogue, when he feels eyes on him and is forced to look up at the teacher, who’s fixated him with a dark look. Dan’s eyes flicker towards Phil briefly – stupidly – and Phil’s eyes are panicked.
“Mr. Howell, are you paying attention to the lecture?”
“Of – yeah. Yeah, I am.” Dan says, his back completely stiff. He hastily tries to shove the comic underneath his books but as the teacher is stepping closer it’s hard to not look suspicious.
“Wonderful! In that case, which page were we on?”
“Oh. We were on, uhm,” Dan stares down at his copy of Much Ado About Nothing. Last he knew they were on page 23, but for all he knows, they could’ve gone through thirty pages of this stupid play. “Crap, I think I uh, I lost what page we were on.”
Phil cringes at Dan’s side and their teacher is stood right beside Dan’s desk, pointing with his finger to the crumpled comic underneath his book. “No, it seems you were simply on a different page than the rest of us.”
The entire class is laughing, and Dan’s pretty sure he hears someone diagonal from him mutter something about gay. Right. Because the whole class besides the teacher knows Dan’s been passing notes with Phil. Dan can feel the anger settling in, causing his neck to redden. The teacher’s already turned around, ready to proceed with the lesson.
“If you aren’t paying attention, Mr. Howell, I don’t see why you’re wasting your time still sitting in this classroom.”
Dan knows he’s being kicked out for the rest of the lesson, he doesn’t have to be told twice.
“Dan,” Phil whispers, as Dan angrily shoves all of his things into his bag. “Dan – “
Dan doesn’t give Phil any response. It’s not because he’s angry at him, he just doesn’t want to have Phil be kicked out of the class, too. Phil’s always been a better student than Dan, and being kicked out of a class isn’t something that bothers Dan as much as he knows it will bother his best friend.
He enters the hallway, shutting the door behind him. Dan doesn’t really want to go anywhere right then – he doesn’t want to get in any more trouble nor does he want to deal with going to the office – so he decides to go for the place he knows he’ll be able to hide out. The bathroom.
It’s not really a very classy bathroom, and Dan generally avoids it if he actually has to do, like, actual bathroom stuff. It’s abandoned right now and for that Dan is thankful.
Dan doesn’t even bother going into a stall – he just leans on the sink, his phone in hand.
[Phil Lester: 9:54 AM] dan?? are you ok
[Phil Lester: 9:59 AM] I shouldve gotten your attention before mr chamberlain did !! ; _ ;
[Phil Lester: 10:01 AM] I tried I swear!!! (I shouldve tried harder though) > _ <
[Dan Howell: 10:05 AM] youre fine phil I just didnt want you to get in trouble too
[Dan Howell: 10:05 AM] speaking of are you on your phone during lecture philip your rebellion is out of control do I have to call your mum
[Phil Lester: 10:05 AM] > _ < im still sorry!!! class isnt the same without you here
[Phil Lester: 10:05 AM] and that’s real rich coming from the one who just got kicked out of class daniel
Dan is glad he’s alone, because there’s no hiding the wide smile that suddenly overtakes his face. He can see Phil’s typing, so he holds off on replying himself.
[Phil Lester: 10:06 AM] I was really excited for your next drawing!! you have to show me after class
[Dan Howell: 10:06 AM] how the hell did a giraffe get into a radio studio anyway??? phil I need the backstory you cant just throw a giraffe into our comic without backstory
[Phil Lester: 10:07 AM] what!!! that wasnt a giraffe it was a dog!
Dan can’t help it. He bursts into laughter, hand covering the lower half of his face. Just as he’s laughing the door opens and someone steps in.
Dan’s panicked for a minute. There’s one of the guys from his class – was his name Jake? John? Dan’s not sure – and he’s giving Dan an odd stare.
“Y’alright there, mate?”
“Nothing – just – just. Yeah. I just got a funny. A funny text.” Dan says, and the guy scoffs and rolls his eyes.
“Oh. From Phil, right?”
“Actually it’s from my girlfriend.” Dan says and. And wait. What did he just say?
Jake – or John – looks properly confused now. “What?”
“Girlfriend. My. Girlfriend texted me, yeah.” Dan says and he can see his entire life flashing before his eyes. It’s not much of a life, really, but it’s mostly filled with his friends. And Phil, who’s a separate category all his own. For some inexplicable reason, Dan laughs at Jake or Josh and cracks a finger gun in his direction.
“You got a girlfriend finally? Nice, lucky lad.” Jake or Josh says, looking unconcerned now. While Jake finishes in the bathroom and then leaves, Dan just stares after him, feeling the sweat begin to pool at the back of his neck.
What the hell did he just do to himself? Jesus Christ.
Dan groans, bringing his hand to his forehead. He doesn’t have a girlfriend but now there’s going to be a rumor.
Speaking of girls. Oh no.
Dan pulls open the contact Renee had put into his phone, realizing he’d not texted her his number. For like. Hours now. Oops.
[Dan Howell: 10:14 AM] hey this is dan. sorry teachers hate me texting in class you know
There. That’s good enough, right? Dan exhales, leaning on the wall. He feels a vibration in his hand and he’s scared it’s going to be Renee.
He looks anyway.
[Phil Lester: 10:17 AM] dan?? did you disappear?? help class is so boring > _ <
Dan is about to respond when he gets another message.
[Renee Loginovsky: 10:17 AM] Hello! I thought you’d have class. ^ _ ^ That’s fine, now I have your number!
Guilt coils in Dan’s stomach so he ignores the message, hoping that maybe she’ll just not ever want to text him again.
[Dan Howell: 10:17 AM] pay attention to class you spoon
Fortunately for Dan, there’s not much time left actually in class. He comfortably hops out of the bathroom, adjusts his shirt, and heads down the hall to where he knows Phil will be leaving. He deliberately avoids making eye contact with Mr. Chamberlain and falls into step beside Phil, flicking his fringe out of his face. Their hairstyles mirror each other, even though Phil’s looks somehow better than Dan’s every day.
Dan doesn’t have any more classes with Phil or Louise, but he sits with both of them at lunch. Which is simultaneously a good and bad thing, he realizes, a few hours later when he finds the two of them with some other mutual friends all communicating in harsh whispers.
The whispers stop when Dan arrives, it’s so obvious they were talking about him. Dan worries his lower lip, making eye contact with Phil.
Dan’s not an idiot. He knows what they were talking about. Phil’s reaction is the only one that Dan cares about.
“I heard you got a girlfriend,” Louise says, affectionately, when Dan sits down beside her and across from Phil. Dan can’t seem to look away from Phil’s eyes, distracted by the unasked questions in them.
This is it. This is Dan’s moment of truth. This is when he has to own up to all his awkwardness, and fess up to how he can’t properly reject a girl. He has to admit he just said he had a girlfriend to get Jake-or-Josh to not call him gay, like he knew he was about to. Dan’s just staring at Phil, as though he somehow has all the answers, feeling utterly lost.
Phil narrows his eyes and tilts his head, and Dan’s throat goes dry. Slowly, he shakes his head, opening his mouth to speak.
And then Phil lights up.
“Yeah! Dan does, actually, she’s really lovely.” He says. The entire table goes silent and stares at Phil and Dan’s confused. He’s so confused. Dan tilts his head to the side and Phil’s just nodding at him, frantically, “Right, Dan?”
“Y… yeah.” He says.
“Is it Renee? Did things go well with Renee?” Louise asks.
“No! No, not her, uh,” Dan’s so thankful his brain actually supplied the right answer to that. He doesn’t want to go around saying Renee is his girlfriend when he definitely still has to let her down gently in like. Whenever she texts him again, he has to let her down gently.
“Well, what’s her name?” Louise prods.
“It’s, uhm...” Dan makes eye contact with Phil again, thinking that if Phil was a girl his life would be so much easier. “Fiona.”
Phil’s eyes widen in realization, and Dan knows he knows the truth.
“Yeah! She’s my like… cousin. She’s my cousin!” Phil interjects. Dan feels better when Phil’s helping him out, he’s so creative and can maybe, hopefully actually, get Dan out of this mess of a situation. “She came over once when Dan was over. It was really annoying actually, because I was trying to play a game and he was just like. All over Fiona.”
“Phil!” Dan complains, but that gets Louise to gasp.
“You’ve had a secret girlfriend?!”
“She doesn’t go to this school! It’d be weird for me to mention her, people would think I’m lying.” Dan says.
“Oh! Oh my gosh, Renee! I shouldn’t have told her to meet you…” Louise says.
“Dan won the competition, eh Phil?” Chris says from Phil’s side, nudging him aggressively. “Pity, if I were a girl, I’d pick you over Howell any day.”
“Oi, back off!” Dan quips, shooting a glare Chris’ direction. Phil just shrugs in Chris’ direction, rather lamely.
Dan focuses on Louise, who still looks awkwardly upset. Dan’s glad for the excuse, really. “Yeah, that’s… that’s totally why I was kinda… I don’t really know how to tell her.”
“Oh, you haven’t given Renee a response yet? Dan,” Louise says, exasperated. “You should do it now! While we’re here, we’ll help!”
“Yeah we will!” Chris says. “You can pop her my number if she’d rather have someone better.”
“No!” Dan says, “And no. I should probably tell her myself.”
Though at the rate he’s going. Dan’s probably going to just spit out some other lie.
“Who’s Renee?” Phil asks, and Dan wonders exactly how much of what’s going on that Phil figured out. Phil’s elbows are on the table, his chin in his hand.
“She’s a lovely girl with a bit of a crush on Danny here. I encouraged her to ask him to coffee, but that was before I knew about Fiona!” Louise says.
“Oh. Renee Loginovsky? She’s in my science course.” Phil says. Dan didn’t know she had any classes with Phil. “She’s always asking me about you.”
“She’s what? Why?” Dan’s curious about what she’d ask Phil, but honestly he’s more curious about what Phil said in response.
“Because she had a crush on you, obviously!” Louise says, “Oh, you have to tell her the truth.”
“T – the truth? Louise, I don’t want anyone to know about… Fiona.”
“And why not?” Chris leans forward in his seat, fixating Dan with a judgmental stare. Dan feels the sweat on his neck. “If I had a girlfriend I’d want to show her off.”
“Even if you have to ask her to keep quiet about it, you owe her the truth. She’s a good girl, Dan, she might keep the secret for you.” Louise smiles. Dan worries his lower lip again, grabbing his phone and pulling up Renee’s contact.
As he thought, Louise was wrong.
Telling Renee the ‘truth’ has made the knowledge spread to literally everyone. So by the time Dan’s walking out of the building, everyone knows that Dan has a girlfriend named Fiona, who’s Phil’s cousin and goes to a different school. Probably only half of the student body actually believes it.
Dan hates the fact that he can never just fix his mistakes. No, he can never just fucking do anything right. He just keeps digging him into a hole. Farther and farther down that hole.
“So, Fiona, huh?” Phil asks from his family couch. Dan spends most of his afternoons sat at the Lester home, because his brother’s always over house after school and Dan doesn’t want to deal with his brother and his friends. Dan groans and holds his head in his hands.
“Shut up, Phil.”
“No, I’m curious.” Phil says, the homework he was going to do before abandoned on the table. Phil’s body is leaning towards Dan. Dan feels like he’s going to be sick, suddenly.
“Okay so after gym Renee sort of like… called me fit or whatever.” He hates admitting this and he feels his cheeks reddening because Phil’s staring right at him and does Phil think Dan’s fit? Because if he does, that’s – that’s irrelevant. It doesn’t matter. But he can’t stop wondering. “And I told her I’d think about it. And then. In the bathroom when I was kicked out of class Jake from class – “
“Do you mean John from class?” Phil interrupts.
“Uh. Sure. Him, yeah. John from class walked in and I was laughing at your message and he was asking if I was talking to you on text, and I was like. I just didn’t want him to like. Talk about the – you know,” Dan’s dangerously close to mentioning the rumors and he knows Phil knows. Phil thankfully doesn’t insist he continue on that note so Dan moves on. “S – so to get him to shove off I may have said I had a girlfriend and that. That may have. Uh. Exploded.”
“Oh.” Phil says. There’s a long silence and Dan can feel his entire brain trying to cave in on itself. Suddenly, there’s laughter, and Phil’s doubled over, his tongue poking out of his teeth. Dan blinks, taken aback. Phil’s eyes are closed, and he looks so happy. It’s enough to make Dan forget why he’s stressed out, and he laughs, too, clutching his stomach and bending over.
He’s glad Phil laughed about this. Dan isn’t sure if he could stomach Phil calling him dumb, or stupid for getting entangled in a web of lies. Phil can just laugh at Dan because it’s an awkward, totally-Dan type thing that would happen to him.
Only Dan would get himself stuck in this situation.
Phil’s the only one who knows the truth, but he’s the only one who needs to. Dan’s embarrassed, of course, but he’d hate for Phil to actually believe he had a girlfriend and actually encourage him to have one. Some part of Dan wonders, if Phil didn’t know the truth, if he’d be jealous at all.
It’s a weird thought, because Dan’s pretty sure he’s never seen Phil jealous before.
“So thanks, Phil.” Dan finally says, when the laughter’s died down. Phil’s looking over at him now, with a wide smile and a crinkle around his eyes.
“Anytime, I guess. I mean. I’m glad you don’t actually have a girlfriend.” Phil says. Dan swears his heart stopped at that admission, and he’s silent for a beat too long. He worries his lower lip again. Does Phil only think that because if he had a girlfriend, they’d be spending less time together?
“Yeah? Why?” Dan shouldn’t have asked. He shouldn’t have brought it up now it’s going to be weird and Phil’s going to notice that Dan’s eyes just flickered to his lips and that Dan really wants to just kiss him. Dan just needs to shut his mouth today, honestly.
“Because if you had a girlfriend, you’d spend your time with her, yeah? You’d go to the cinema with her and pass notes with her in class. Or. Pass text messages or something while she was away.” Phil says, with a nonchalant shrug. “I really like it being just us, Dan.”
Phil’s smile is contagious, and Dan feels a grin form on his face. His eyes flicker between Phil’s, distracted by the ring of yellow he can see in them. “I prefer it just being us, too.”
He says it casually, but there’s a tension that follows his statement. Dan doesn’t know what it means. He could change the subject to games, to homework, to anything. But he doesn’t.
“Yeah? Is that why you picked the name Fiona for your mystery girlfriend?” Phil’s smirking now, as he reaches over to prod Dan’s side. “I shouldn’t have ever told you that. I think my mum always wanted me to be Fiona, but she’s stuck with Phil.”
“Shut up.” Dan shakes his head. He guesses that might be a reason he chose Fiona. Mostly, though, he was just looking at Phil and that was the only female name that came to him. He also thinks this is a bad time to mention he’s incredibly glad he got Phil just as he is. “She probably still loves you. But she’ll always love me more.”
They laugh again, and the tension that was there dissipates into something more comforting.
It’s as they’re mid-laugh Kath enters the living room, her eyebrows raised, a smirk on her face.
“That doesn’t sound like homework, boys.” She says.
“It is! It is homework, mum!” Phil insists. He shifts on the couch and pulls his untouched maths book towards him. “See! We’re studying.”
“Right you are, child.” Kath says. She turns towards Dan, who beams at her. “Daniel, will you be staying for dinner?”
“Oh, uhm… I want to!” Dan says. He opens his phone – ignoring the messages for Louise asking about Fiona – and glances at his last conversation with his mum. She’d mentioned her and his father would be busy that night, so dinner was a fend-for-yourself kind of affair. “If that’s all right with you, I mean.”
“Of course it is. You’re just as much a Lester as any of us are.” Kath says. Dan smiles at the sentiment. He’s always loved Phil’s family – they’re so close in a way that his family just isn’t. Phil’s embarrassed by it, but Dan loves how cheesy Kath and Nigel can be. Kath leaves them alone, then, heading to the kitchen. Phil snorts when she’s gone and shoves his elbow into Dan’s arm.
“You’re trying to take over my family, are you? You think you’re gonna become a true Lester by marrying Fiona, huh?” Phil wiggles his eyebrows and Dan snorts, and smacks Phil on the arm. Phil doesn’t relent and keeps moving closer, nudging Dan until he squirms away to the other end of the couch. “Well too bad, because I’ll never let you marry Fiona!”
“Fuck off, I could so marry Fiona if I wanted to.”
“No! I refuse, she’s like, my twin almost! I won’t let you marry her!” Phil complains, and Dan shoves Phil in the head, causing the boys to both laugh louder than they should have.
“Homework!” Kath calls, again.
Dan thinks that the majority of the issue has gone away after three weeks have passed. He’s stopped mentioning Fiona. He still passes comic book notes with Phil in class (now paying attention to Mr. Chamberlain between them, though). Renee doesn’t seem too bothered when she’s seen going on dates with John from class. Really, it’s all going great.
“You’ve got to introduce us!” Louise says, turning around in her seat to look at Dan in maths. Dan wishes she’d drop this subject.
Chris and Louise are the two most interested in this turn of events. He and Phil have made up grand lies about Fiona. She goes to a school in like, France. She’s got red hair and blue eyes (because Phil’s family is naturally mousy-headed, not black). She’s been dating Dan for like a month. Dan purposefully avoids talking about her because he and Phil can both tell Chris doesn’t buy it anymore. It’s very irritating.
“No.” Dan says. “She’s busy with exams.”
“Exams? Really? So you two never talk or anything?” Louise asks. “No photos?”
“She’s shy.” Dan mumbles.
“But you’ve got her number, right?” Louise asks.
“Well, yeah.”
“So you should text her! Just try!” Louise probably means well. Dan can only be glad this conversation isn’t happening where Chris can hear.
Dan’s thankful that the lecture begins then and, when he gets the chance, he just bolts to meet Phil outside of the classroom. Once they’re together he begins to shove Phil towards their class. If he’s distracted by how firm Phil’s back feels under his hands, no one else has to know.
“Eager to learn?”
“Eager to get away from Lou,” Dan grumbles in response. “She keeps asking about Fiona.”
“Oh.” Phil frowns, tapping his finger to his chin. “She’s still on about it?”
“Yeah… It’s annoying.” Dan takes his seat and Phil takes his. Mr. Chamberlain is talking about something the main characters did in the play, and Dan takes out a new piece of paper to start a new comic.
Usually, the main characters the two of them feature are radio show hosts. Inexplicable, random things often occur to their stick-figure selves throughout their show – that’s the fun. Dan sets the scene, having to stop a few times because of Mr. Chamberlain’s lurking stare. Finally, he’s done, and passes the note to Phil while the teacher’s back is turned.
They don’t get the opportunity to speak in class after that, and instead, they get to a second page in their comic where llamas are featured guests for an interview. It’s very stupid, the llamas can’t even talk. Their radio host characters are struggling.
Dan doesn’t have to think about the whole Fiona fiasco until he and Phil are outside of the school, preparing for the walk to the tube, when Louise walks up beside them with her hands clasped behind her back.
“Show me a picture,” Louise prompts. Dan blinks, turning to look at Phil.
“Uh.” Dan says. “What?”
“Of Fiona, silly!” Louise says. Dan groans.
“I don’t want to?”
“Daniel!” Louise hits him on the arm and Dan tries to act like it doesn’t hurt. It does. “I want to know all about your girlfriend! Chris doesn’t believe she exists, you know.”
Dan grimaces and Phil chimes in (thank the lord for Phil Lester). “She does, Louise! She’s my cousin!”
“Well then Philip, you describe her!”
“No way. I’m not talking about my cousin like Dan talks about her.” Phil makes a face and Dan knows there’s no girl in question but he still flushes and complains. Louise laughs at him, but shortly after, she’s talking all about Zoey’s relationship drama, and Dan’s glad Louise doesn’t stay on the subject.
The three are walking down a crowded street when Louise suddenly seems to remember her curiosity again. “You’ve got her number! Call her!”
“No way. She’s probably studying or something.”
“Dan. You’re lying, aren’t you?” Louise stops walking – her house is to the left of the fork they’ve reached. Dan can feel the back of his neck heat up as he stares at Louise. She looks… not disappointed. She looks pitying. That, more than anything, pisses Dan off. “You know, you didn’t have to pretend to be in a relationship to avoid going out with Renee.”
“I am in a relationship!” Dan practically shouts, he doesn’t know why. He really should have come clean. He really should have, right then, there was his excuse. But his throat’s closing up, and he feels a bit like a cornered cat. He just can’t think of another comeback to that. “C’mon Phil, let’s go and meet Fiona at your house or whatever.”
Phil doesn’t have a choice when Dan shoves at his back, literally pushing him up the road and far away from Louise.
Dan’s heart is still pounding in his chest, and he can’t get the pitying look Louise flashed him out of his head.
The Lester house is empty then. Nigel is at work and Kath is at her friend’s across the street. Dan and Phil are currently catching up on some anime, their homework untouched in front of them. Dan hasn’t met Phil’s eyes and he knows that Phil’s confused. He knows it, but he hasn’t addressed it.
“Hey, Dan.” Phil interrupts the silence. Dan’s not really focused on the TV show. He tilts his head towards his friend. Phil’s eyes are looking distant, almost through Dan. He doesn’t like it. “Why don’t you want to date Renee?”
Boom, there it is. Dan purses his lips together. He knew it was coming, so he’s at least not shocked by the question.
“I don’t know.” He deadpans.
“Because she’s funny, and cool, and really pretty.” Phil says and Dan can feel his entire heart drop to meet his stomach. “She’s always talking to me about Naruto in class and – “
“I just don’t want to, okay?!” Dan snaps, groaning as he holds his head in his hands. “I barely know her.”
“But she’s nice.” Phil says. His tone is casual, and he’s sliding closer to Dan. Dan still doesn’t lean his head up.
“How about I give her your number and you date her then, if she’s so nice and pretty and talks to you about Naruto.” He spits, hating how irritated his tone is. He just sounds so jealous. Even he can realize how his tone sounds.
The silence that follows is so long that Dan looks up. Phil’s staring at him with a blank, unreadable expression and wide eyes.
Their eyes meet. Dan forgets to breathe.
“I don’t want to date her, either.” Phil says. “Dan – “
The door opens and Kath’s voice calls out. “Child! I’m home – oh! Dan, how nice of you to come to properly distract Phil from his homework.”
Dan looks away from Phil as though he’d been zapped, and focuses intently on Kath. “Oh, hi Mrs. Kath, I’m just uh – yeah. Homework.”
“Just Kath is fine, love.” Kath says, eyes flicking between the two boys. She smiles. “Just let me know if you’re planning to stay for dinner. We’ll have more than enough room for you.”
Dan looks back over at Phil, who’s shifted now, and has a page of homework held out in front of him. “Thanks, mum! We’ll let you know!”
Dan breathes out a sigh of relief, and they don’t talk about Renee for the rest of the evening.
(Dan does stay for dinner, though. Again.)
“Let’s go on a double date.” Chris says. Dan looks up from his sandwich to meet Chris’ eyes. It’s been another week, they’re currently sat outside a video games store snacking on lunch, and Dan’s tired.
“What?”
“You, me, Louise, and Fiona.” Chris waggles his eyebrows.
“You’re dating Louise?”
“No, ew. No.” Chris scoffs as though the idea is ludicrous and Dan narrows his eyes.
“Chris, you’d be lucky if Louise even looked in your general direction for more than a nanosecond. She’s way out of your league.”
“Shut up, Dan! I know. Me and Louise aren’t dating, but Fiona doesn’t know. We want to meet her.”
“Well you’re not gonna.” Dan scoffs.
“What? You’re gonna just give us invites to your wedding without introducing us?”
“Wedding? No way is anyone marrying me.” Dan rolls his eyes. “Just come off it, already. At this rate, you won’t even be invited to the non-existent wedding in the first place.”
“You’re hiding something.” Chris narrows his eyes and Dan’s fucked. Dan’s so incredibly fucked. Chris has that glint in his eyes, that i’m-going-to-get-to-the-bottom-of-this glint. Dan usually loves seeing it because that means he and Chris can have some sort of adventure figuring out the truth, but now, he hates it.
“Am not.” Dan says. “Look, to prove it, I’ll call her right now.”
Dan’s sweating like a brick when he picks up his phone and finds Phil’s number. He feigns texting to quickly change the name in case Chris grabs the phone to see. Fiona. Fiona Lester. It’s weird.
Dan hits dial and prays to fuck his impromptu plan works. All he needs – what he desperately needs – is for Phil to not let it go to voicemail.
Someone answers.
“Hey, babe,” Dan says and oh god he can hear himself cringing already. Get the hint, Phil. Get the hint. There’s an awkward pause and Phil clears his throat.
“Hey, uh, Dan?”
“That’s Phil!” Chris exclaims, loudly.
“What?! But I dialed Fio – Phil!” Dan’s heart is racing and he didn’t think this through and Chris is giving his phone a weird look. Now he might read into this in totally the wrong way. Dan hopes his acting skills can save his ass. “This is Fiona’s number. Is she over yours?”
“Er. Yeah. Yeah, she just went to the bathroom, sorry mate.” Phil’s voice being this close to his ear is one of Dan’s favorite sounds, really, and he rarely ever calls Phil on the phone so it kind of makes him shiver a bit. He prays to all hell that Chris didn’t see.
“Oh. Well. Tell her I say – “
“Oh yeah right, you just called Phil!” Chris scoffs. “Let’s go round to Phil’s to see her.”
“Let’s not.” Dan says.
“You can’t come over!” Phil says. “We’re having uh – a family… thing. Yeah. That’s why Fiona’s here.”
“Why isn’t Dan invited? He practically lives at your house anyways.” Chris says. Dan tries not to smile warmly at that, and fails. Chris rolls his eyes. “Oh stop with the gooey eyes thinking about your girlfriend and go to Phil’s!”
Dan almost has a comeback for the gooey eyes comment, but shuts his mouth. “Maybe I’m invited, but you’re not.”
“Whatever, Howell. I’m onto you.” Chris makes a gesture with his fingers and eyes, and then pulls his own phone out. Dan walks away from Chris, trying not to think of the fact he’s definitely texting Louise.
“This is getting ridiculous.” Phil complains, opening the door for Dan when he arrives. “Why can’t you just tell everyone you broke up or something?”
“Because they’ll know.”
“Well, they’ll have to know eventually then because you can’t fake-date Fiona forever.” Phil steps out of the door, and Dan steps inside. Nigel’s in the kitchen reading something, so Phil and Dan immediately retreat up the stairs to Phil’s bedroom.
Martyn, Phil’s older brother, is in university so his bedroom is empty. That means the second floor of Phil’s home is entirely theirs.
Phil shuts the door to his room when they’re inside, sitting up on his bed. He leans back on the headboard, and Dan settles down closer to the edge of the bed. He stares at Phil’s TV, with Buffy the Vampire Slayer sat beside the video player.
“Dan, why can’t we just drop this whole lie?” Phil asks. Dan knew better than to hope for Phil to just forget it and palms at Phil’s comforter, shrugging. He knows Phil hates to lie. Dan doesn’t really like it, himself, but he can’t seem to stop.
“I dunno. I mean. I guess I can say we broke up.” He mutters. “Chris just… he’s just going to know it was all a lie. And I don’t. I don’t want to deal with that. People will just laugh and say it was stupid and that we’re...”
Dan trails off, biting his lip. He knows he’s treading on uncertain territory. “We’re… you know.”
“We’re what?” Phil’s eyes are on the back of Dan’s head, he can feel it, but he’s not going to acknowledge it.
“You know.”
There’s silence, and Dan wishes Phil would’ve put the TV on or something.
“Dan, look at me?” Phil says, and Dan turns around. His expression is soft, but there’s no pity there. Just understanding. Dan blinks. “It really doesn’t matter to me what people say about us.”
“It doesn’t bother you?” Dan asks, because for all their friendship he thought it did bother him. Dan licks his lip, and meets Phil’s eyes. “I thought it did.”
“It doesn’t.” Phil’s smiling now, and it reaches his eyes. “It only bothers me if it bothers you.”
Dan can’t help it – he laughs at Phil’s comment, and his laugh makes Phil join in, too. He feels stupid, suddenly, for caring so much about what people were saying, because Phil doesn’t care.
“It’d be a lot easier if one of us was a girl. Then we’d just be in love and dating already.” Dan tries to joke, though he chokes on a laugh when Phil stops laughing and just gives him a look. He’s inching closer, and Dan just sits there, unable to look away from Phil’s eyes.
“Who says one of us has to be a girl for that?” Phil asks, and it’s not a joke or a taunt. It’s just a question, and Dan can tell Phil’s fidgeting, and unsure of the answer. It’s a risky thing to ask your best friend.
And Dan decides to go for it.
He just reaches out and grabs Phil by the back of the neck, pulling his best friend towards him for a kiss. It’s just as their lips connect that Dan feels the panic set in. Oh no. He just kissed Phil. He’s kissing Phil. His best friend – if he can even call Phil that after this – and he’s sat on his bed just. Kissing him. They’re just two boys, kissing, on a bed, and it’s weird and Phil’s kissing him back.
Dan freezes completely. Phil’s kissing him back.
Phil stops after a second, pulling his face away from Dan’s. They just stare at each other for a few minutes, and Phil’s lips tip up into a half smirk. It’s distractedly attractive. At some point, his hand slid to Dan’s face, and he’s cupping Dan’s cheek.
“Hi?” He asks, tone still unsure. Dan’s lips twitch up into a grin of their own accord, and Phil’s smirk slowly turns into a grin to match.
“Hi.” Dan responds. He spends all of one second looking at Phil’s lips before he kisses him again. And he’s making out with Phil. Somehow. Fuck the Fiona bullshit, fuck the Renee bullshit. Fuck getting a girlfriend. He’s finally making out with Phil.
They’re interrupted by a knock on the door, and Kath’s on the other side. “Children, dinner’s ready! Dan, you’re welcome to stay if you would like.”
Dan’s so, so grateful that Kath isn’t the type of parent to just open Phil’s door without asking.
“Okay, mum! Thanks!” Phil says, and it’s pretty amazing that he sounds completely unaffected by the kisses. Dan blinks over at Phil, and tilts his head. When he hears Kath’s footsteps descend down the stairs, Phil leans a little closer, brushing their noses together. “Please stay for dinner. And let me take you out on a date Saturday.”
(Of course, Dan stays for dinner. Again.)
It’s weird to have a boyfriend. But, like, in a good way.
Their first date is a trip to the cinema. The film playing is a horror and Phil knows how bad Dan is with jump scares. Dan’s cursing Phil the whole time, but about halfway through the movie Dan’s figured out Phil was just trying to find excuses to put his arms around Dan and have him be closer. Dan can’t be too mad, because when he presses his face to the crook of Phil’s neck, he can breathe in the scent of his cologne. Phil’s dressed up in a nice blue button down, and blue is Dan’s favorite color on Phil because it makes his eyes pop.
Their second date is to the center of London and it’s not much because they’ve both been before, but they still go to all the cheesy tourist attractions. Dan and Phil take a photograph together when they’re out to dinner, and Dan sets it as his contact picture for Phil. They’re not obviously on a date in the photograph, they’ve got stupid expressions on their faces and their tongues out. It’s Dan’s favorite picture of them, honestly.
Their third date is spent at Phil’s house. They marathon Buffy season one again, and wind up just making out half-way through. It’s Dan’s new favorite thing, and if he’s being honest, that’s his favorite of their dates. It’s nothing fancy. It’s just him and Phil.
The whole Fiona thing is completely far away from Dan’s mind, so when he has Phil, Louise, and Chris round his house for a ‘study session’ and Chris finds the blue folder with all of Dan and Phil’s little comic among his school things, he doesn’t understand why Chris is smirking all of a sudden.
“This is where you keep your love notes from Fiona, isn’t it?”
Dan’s eyes open wide, and he blushes bright red because, to Dan, that’s basically what they are.
Except they’re not love letters from some girl called Fiona, they’re comics from Phil. Who’s sat beside, him, looking confused.
“No way!” Dan snatches the folder but Chris is laughing and even if he tries to explain what the folder really is, he knows Chris will get the… right idea. But he and Phil haven’t really talked about coming out and if they’re even going to, and Dan would like to do that on his own terms, thank-you-very-much. “Shut up, Chris!”
“No, now I know it is! Phil, snatch the letters!”
And then Phil does the last thing Dan expects: he grabs the folder. He gives Dan an inquiring look, eyebrows raised. Dan stares at him, his eyes wide.
“Don’t you dare, Phil – “
Phil opens the folder and sees every single comic they’ve ever drawn together in class, saved and stored in chronological order from the very first time they’d decided to start drawing them. Dan and Phil had never discussed what happened with the comics. Phil must have been under the impression Dan threw them away after class.
“Oh.” He says, looking at Dan. Dan forgets to breathe at his fond expression, and it’s like they’re the only two people in the room.
It’s almost like Chris and Louise aren’t sitting across from them, trying to garner a peak at the folder.
“Well, are they love notes?!” Chris says. Louise is looking at Phil’s face and giggling frantically.
“Oh they are, they are! Look at Phil’s face! Aw, see even Phil thinks it’s cute!” Louise says. Phil closes the folder, his lips twitching in an attempt not to laugh.
“Yes, Fiona’s a very lucky girl.” He says, and Dan could kill him right then.
“Phil!” Dan whines. Phil suddenly doubles over, and he’s burst out in laughter so loud it’s a wonder Dan’s mother hasn’t come up to complain. Dan is the only one not laughing and he’s as red as a tomato.
“They’re love letters, all right.” Phil says, “They’re perfectly preserved.”
Dan can’t meet anyone’s eyes for the rest of their stupid study session. As soon as he wrenches the folder away from Phil he hides it underneath his butt. Chris tries to snatch it a few times, but Dan’s quick reflexes help him kick the offending guy away numerous times.
Phil’s the last to leave. Dan has to desperately cling to his folder until Chris and Louise are actually out of his door, and far away, and not coming back. As soon as they’re gone Dan bolts upstairs, and shoves the folder onto his desk, and then sits down at it, hiding his face in his arms with shame.
Phil comes in not too long after, and Dan can hear him snickering.
“It’s not that stupid, Phil. I just really like our comics.” Dan grumbles. There’s a tap on his shoulder, and Dan turns around in the chair to glance back at Phil. He’s knelt on the ground by the chair, and Phil’s got that fond look on his face again. His hands are cupping Dan’s cheeks.
“I really like you, Dan.” He says, and he kisses Dan. And Dan melts into him when he kisses back, throwing his arms around his boyfriend’s neck.
(This time, Phil stays for dinner at Dan’s.)
Their fourth date isn’t really a date. It’s just a thing, that they’re going to, together.
It’s a school thing. So it’s really not much of a date.
Dan’s not used to the rowdy crowd at sports games or the sports lingo. It’s extra not-a-date because Chris and Louise are both there, and both a bit more interested in the sports game going on on the field. Dan’s currently wrapped up in an oversized jumper. Phil’s in a flannel and a scarf. Dan’s more interested in complaining to Phil about the lack of a phone signal in the arena than whatever sport they’re playing out on the field. He thinks it’s football, from the uniforms and cleats.
“I know where there’s a better signal!” Phil says, and he quickly ushers Dan underneath the bleachers. It’s honestly a pretty crap place to be, there’s litter all around them. But when they reach a secluded area, practically unable to hear the game from this distance, it’s more relaxing.
Through the divides in the bleachers beams of moonlight bleed through, catching on Phil’s face. It’s so distracting Dan doesn’t care about his phone. He really doesn’t.
One of the things he’d wanted to do with Phil was just snog him underneath the bleachers. Maybe it’s not very romantic, but Dan saw it in a romantic comedy, once.
“C’mere, Phil.” Dan says, quietly, and he reaches up to grab Phil’s shoulders. He leans up – only a bit, because they’re nearly the same height – and kisses Phil. He only meant to keep it simple, a peck really, but Phil smells really good tonight and Dan can’t help but just not care about where he is for a second. He opens his mouth against Phil’s, pulling his boyfriend’s lower lip with his teeth.
Of course, it’s at that moment Dan hears a gasp and whips his head around to see Louise and Chris staring at him.
No. At them. At he and Phil.
There’s silence. Louise and Chris exchange a look. Chris breaks first, staring right over at Phil. Dan’s scared for a second, until Chris’ lip quirks up into a smirk. “Hey, Fiona. Nice to finally meet you.”
Dan groans, and rests his head against Phil’s chest. He can feel Phil’s chest rising and falling, and it’s comforting. “Chris,”
“Dan,” Louise’s voice interrupts Dan’s thoughts. Dan slowly pokes his head over to Louise, who’s got a hand clapped to her mouth. She looks very emotional, and he’s not sure why. “I’m so sorry.”
“What for?”
“I didn’t know you and Phil were – were trying to keep it a secret! That you two are together.” Louise genuinely sounds sorry and Dan feels uncomfortable. “So that’s why you didn’t want Renee to date you...”
“No actually, Dan was just talking out of his butt then. We weren’t together.” Phil says and Dan is so angry that his excuse that would have perfectly gotten him out of this situation is gone.
“Phil!” Dan complains.
“But, maybe he wanted to date me, I don’t know.” Phil nudges Dan’s side and he grits his teeth, “Because at some point, I guess I became Fiona.”
“That was entirely your fault because you kept playing – “
“I knew it.” Chris says, and Dan looks at his friend. Chris looks unfairly satisfied with himself. “I knew you were hiding something.”
And it’s then that Dan thinks about that phrasing. Hiding something. He squeezes Phil’s middle tightly, hiding his face. The silence stretches for a while – to long to not be noted. He feels sick to his stomach, suddenly.
“Oh, boys, I love you both so much!” Suddenly there’s another presence beside them and Dan’s suddenly being hugged by Louise. The hug squishes him closer to Phil, and Dan pulls his head out to look at Phil, confused. Louise steps away from them, giving them a smile. “I’m not going to tell anyone. There’s a reason you kept it quiet; I really shouldn’t have been so pushy!”
“And I’m not going to out you guys, ’cause I’m not gonna act like a dick.” Chris sticks his tongue out.
“You’re already a dick, though.” Dan says. Chris snorts.
“Ok maybe, but I’m not an arsehole.” He emphasizes. Dan begs to disagree, but maybe pissing off someone with blackmail material on him is a bad idea. “I’m not going to out you.”
Phil’s been silent, so Dan looks up to meet his gaze. Phil’s looking to the side. Dan doesn’t like this. He and Phil haven’t discussed being open. They hadn't been trying to hide their previous dates. Dan doesn’t know how Phil feels about hiding things.
Dan reaches up and grabs Phil’s cheeks, making their eyes meet. “Not forever.”
Phil’s lips tilt up. “Not forever. Till then, I can just be Fiona.”
“Oh shut up.” Dan growls. He pulls farther away from Phil, but Phil’s hand slides down to take Dan’s in his. It’s oddly comforting, to be holding hands in front of their friends. Dan likes the feeling.
After two more weeks, it’s become a running joke. Now Louise and Chris attest to the existence of Fiona. Their other friends are all baffled they're suddenly so believing of Fiona when Chris was the most outspoken skeptic before.
Louise and Chris have made it into a bit of a game. They keep adding things to Fiona to make her more intense and cool. She’s fluent in French. She’s a nerdy athlete. She’s miles out of Dan’s league. It all makes Dan roll his eyes, but thankfully with two more people attesting to this mystery girlfriend, no one suspects that Dan and Phil are a thing. The previous rumors are dwarfed by the new rumors spreading about Dan’s secret girlfriend.
“This is ridiculous.” Phil says, at one point, when Dan’s staying over at his after school. As usual, their homework is untouched in front of them. “I feel like Fiona’s gotten out of hand.”
Dan rolls his eyes. “Yes, she has.”
“I’m kinda jealous, everyone keeps saying how lucky you are to be dating Fiona,” Phil wiggles his eyebrows so Dan knows he’s not being serious, but Dan can't help but feel a bit annoyed. He doesn't want to be dating some French athlete named Fiona, no matter how cool Chris and Louise make her out to seem.
Dan shifts on the couch, his hands on Phil’s shoulders. He leans forward and pecks him on the lips.
“I’d rather date you.” He says, genuinely, and Phil snorts.
“You say that now, Dan. Just don’t leave me for Fiona or I'll tell the whole school your embarrassing stories.”
Dan rolls his eyes. "You're the most embarrassing story, you spork."
Phil smirks. "I dunno. I think spinning yourself into a web of lies to avoid going out with a girl tops anything I've ever done."
"You know what, I actually hate you and am leaving you for Fiona. Right now." Dan grumbles. Before he can move, though, Phil's got his arm around Dan's waist and his lips on his. Dan decides he'd rather keep kissing Phil than pretend to be annoyed.