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Kakuzu, like the headmaster and his second, seldom left the school during break. Maintaining a property when he had rooms provided on-site he would have to stay in most of the year was foolish, and the few vacations he'd been talked into in his youth he'd found underwhelming. Nothing provided an all too different experience from Hogsmeade or Diagon Alley or the Hogwarts grounds themselves, except he was too cold or too warm and perhaps a little lost.
Unfortunately, this now left him in the company of their new arrival.
"Hey," he'd said, strolling on in without so much as a polite knock on Kakuzu's formerly closed office door. "I'm Hidan."
"I'm aware."
How could he not be, when he'd spent the morning denying his ludicrous requests?
Somehow, despite Kakuzu's hostile tone, Hidan took those two words as invitation. Seeing him lounged across Kakuzu's mint green chair, propping his moody boots on his solid oak desk...A man not so intrinsically aware of the costs of every item and action would've chucked his lamp at the bastard's slimy, smirking face.
"I teach runes and dark arts."
"I believe you mean Defense Against the Dark Arts."
"Fuckin' same thing, man. Fighting shit."
What was Konan thinking, allowing Nagato to allow this man around children?
"You're the one that does all that financial shit, right? Like, Nagato has the title, but you're the one who really runs this place."
"If I wanted the responsibility of it, I would take the job. Now, tell me what you barged in here for, and speak it plainly."
"Straight to business. I like." Kakuzu narrowed his eyes, a not-so-subtle 'hurry up'. "You read my runespoor request?"
"And denied it. You're not teaching Care of Magical Creatures."
"Every classroom needs a class pet!"
"As much as they need hot tubs, sure."
"That was a joke request!"
"I don't believe you. Nor do I care."
Hidan sat up, leaned forward. "Listen, Kuzu--it is 'Kuzu', right?"
"It's Kakuzu."
"Right. Don't you scrunch your brows at me, you're the one who never introduced yourself!"
"And you're the one who didn't make an appointment."
Hidan tried, visibly, to collect himself, and mostly failed. "I'm not a student, asshole," he snarled. "And anyway, we're off-topic."
"Hm."
"You Brits have a weird thing about snakes, which is pretty dumb considering a founder was a parselmouth and it's one of your four mascots. I mean, the house thing by itself's dumb, but singling one out as evil?"
"You wish to bring a dangerous animal into the school for inter-house community?"
"Yeah! Well, more for 'everyone fuckin' sucks', 'animals are neutral' stuff, but yeah."
Kakuzu felt a headache coming on. As the moments went by, he was feeling less and less inclined to give Hidan what he wanted, but at this point his peaceful evening was being threatened. "I will procure for your classroom use a boa constrictor. They're cheaper, and safer for students to be around."
"Why are you phrasing it that way? You gonna get it yourself?"
Hidan didn't seem at all bitter about the compromise. His earlier anger had completely disappeared, leaving him with a disturbingly sunny disposition. Kakuzu had the suspicion he was a man quick to anger and quicker to violence, one he may have to avoid if he wanted to keep his job. It only went so far in inspiring him to keep his temper.
"I'll come with! I want to pick them out."
So much for that. Perhaps he should've noticed it earlier, but up to this point Hidan'd seemed more like a small, yappy dog than anything else.
"That's unnecessary."
"Like hell it is!"
"You would add nothing."
"How the fuck so? It's going to be my snake!"
"You know nothing about animals." And would probably latch onto the most expensive boa they have.
"And you do?"
Kakuzu took a deep breath. "I should hope so, since I taught Care before Arithmancy."
"Motherfucker. Of course you did."
"If you would be so kind as to leave and never come back, I would greatly appreciate it."
As Hidan opened his mouth to argue further, Kakuzu felt his last bit of patience shrivel up and die.
"Petrificus totalus."
As a side effect of his 'abrasive' personality, Kakuzu had been the subject of a few 'disciplinary' meetings already. If this was to be his last strike, unlikely though it may be, Durmstrang would still take him. The inconvenience of moving was worth dumping Hidan's body in the hall. He locked the door and set charms upon it that would prevent Hidan from returning, at least for tonight.
When a few days went by without a summons to Nagato's office, Kakuzu accepted that Hidan wasn't going to get the higher-ups involved and dismissed their afternoon from his thoughts. He hadn't seen Hidan or anyone else since, as he took his meals privately.
So, when he went to borrow Konan's portkey, he was not expecting Hidan leaning against her door, the rabbit skull in question in hand.
"Stupefy," he cast, and was not at all surprised to see it fizzle out against a shield.
"C'mon, 'Kuzu, it'll be fun!"
"Doubtful."
Diagon Alley was borderline deserted, as it should be on late summer Tuesday afternoons. Still, a handful of teenagers scurried about, laughing and shrieking and trampling Kakuzu's fried nerves.
"Dude, I know you're older than God, but chill."
Grinding his teeth, Kakuzu did his best to ignore Hidan. So long as he was distracted at the counter, Kakuzu could fog up the numbers and make a profit off this wasteful excursion.
The pet shop was populated by a lanky twenty-something working the register and an elderly man having a staring contest with a kneazle. Snakes, magical and non, were kept in the back right corner.
To Kakuzu's annoyance, Hidan walked right passed the adults to peer at the pricier babies.
"Hidan."
"I am not getting a snake named Mumford."
"Names can be changed."
Hidan scowled. "If you like him so much, get him for yourself. It was your birthday like two weeks ago, right?"
"You don't know how to block a spell, but you know when my birthday is."
"Sneak attacks don't count! It's not fair!"
"Fighting fair will only get you killed. Not that it would be much of a loss."
"Hey!"
Perhaps he was being too kind. It wouldn't be any kind of loss.
"Whatever. Like I give a fuck what you think, you ugly shit."
He was clenching his fists awfully hard, for someone who didn't care.
"I like this one."
'This one' was a banana ball python, about-
"She look like a Natsu to you?"
And he was already attached. "She looks like a hundred galleons." Which he could easily change to one-eighty.
"Oh, so you are capable of not being a complete jackass."
"To people who don't prove themselves unworthy at every opportunity, yes."
"Just buy the fucking snake before you get us kicked out." Every line of Hidan body implied barely-contained violence. The display irritated Kakuzu as much as it bored him, but in the spirit of camaraderie--and not getting arrested for putting Hidan's face through the fish tank--he decided to get his yearly Good Deed out of the way.
Hidan greeted them cheerfully when Kakuzu returned with the shopkeep. It was strange, how quickly his moods changed, how easily he shrugged off Kakuzu's words the moment he was out of sight.
Perhaps he didn't care what Kakuzu thought of him after all.
And perhaps Hidan's apathy did more than simply anger him.
Someone had slipped an envelope under his door.
His first assumption was that it was some sort of cursed object. Once, he'd had an even shorter grasp on his temper, which had earned him a good number of enemies. And there was always that one former classmate petty enough to want to settle a score decades later.
And there was also always that one student dumb enough to think an incapacitated teacher meant canceled classes, though this was less likely on account of inexperience and transportation concerns.
What the envelope actually held was fairly innocuous. Confusing, perhaps a bit distressing in its implications, but altogether innocuous.
There was a note, reading:
Kuzu,
You're a dick, but in the interests of our daughter I will not kill you. Unless you're a dick to her. This place fucking sucks, and as the co-parent you have to help it suck less. Let's get drunk and explore shit tonight. This castle's got to have some cool secrets, and I bet a sneaky bastard like you knows them.
May Jashin Guard Your Soul,
Hidan
Included was a picture of Natsu poking her head out from her hide in her frankly lavish enclosure. On the back, writ in purple ink, was her name and yesterday's date.
The entire thing was annoying and, regretfully, endearing.
Not for the first time, he wondered what the hell could be going through this man's head, if anything at all.
Kakuzu hadn't planned to show up. He didn't like Hidan. He'd fallen behind on lesson plans. The students were arriving in five days. Whatever peace Hogwarts had managed to hold onto with Hidan stomping through her halls was about to vanish.
Unfortunately, Kakuzu was human, and being human came with all kinds of defects like curiosity and wanting to matter to people. Hidan was the first to scoff at him and mean it, but still he reached out.
Confusing. Annoying. Stupid. A waste of space, of oxygen.
Whatever happened that night, Kakuzu couldn't remember the next morning.
His head was pounding, his mouth disgusting, and there was a pale arm wrapped around his ribs, a leg slung over his hips, a head buried in the curve of his shoulder.
Fuck.