Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Cuckyoin: @Jotabro so I met your brother at the store today.

Jotabro: well i have 3 of those so

Jotabro: be more specific

Cuckyoin: Dio

Jotabro: he doesnt count

je suis le pain: pretty rude to say someone “doesn’t count” because he’s adopted

Jotabro: no he doesnt count cause he’s a little bitch

je suis le pain: oh in that case, agreed

Cuckyoin: Yeah me too

Cuckyoin: we’re visiting my mom’s side of the family in italy right? And I guess he lives in the same town my grandparents do, small world yknow

Cuckyoin: So me and my mom are at the store getting some food and I see him, and I recognize him

Cuckyoin: I go up to him and I say “Hi, you’re Jotaro’s brother, aren’t you?” and he replies with “How dare you identify me by that imbecile.”

Cuckyoin: and then he started flirting with my mom

je suis le pain: well? did your mom go for it?

Cuckyoin: no, Polnareff, she did not.

Cuckyoin: my mom did not fuck Dio.

je suis le pain: damn really?

je suis le pain: honestly he may be the actual worst but if dio were hitting on me idk if i’d be able to say no i mean

je suis le pain: hes HOT

Avdol: Ahem.

je suis le pain: buuut you’re hotter babe

Cuckyoin: lmaoooo

Jotabro: someone’s sleeping on the couch tonight

je suis le pain: i was just joking anyways i mean cmon

je suis le pain: the only time i met him in person the fucker kicked my dog!!

je suis le pain: like yeah iggy’s a little shit but he probably didnt deserve that

Avdol: He’s just a dog, he doesn’t know any better.

Cuckyoin: new conspiracy theory

Cuckyoin: Iggy does secretly know better hes just an asshole

je suis le pain: honestly? id believe it

je suis le pain: dio is still an asshole though

Jotabro: last thanksgiving he threw a knife at me

Jotabro: then about an hour later he got into a fistfight with jolyne

Jotabro: let me repeat

Jotabro: this grown-ass 35 year old father, this man has a child

Jotabro: got into a fistfight with his 16 year old stepsister

Cuckyoin: did she win?

Jotabro: you ever fuckin met jolyne? Of course she did

Avdol: Why even bother traveling all the way from Italy if you’re just going to fight your siblings?

Jotabro: Giorno probably convinced him

Jotabro: honestly as much as i love seeing Giorno i’d really like Dio to stay home this time

Cuckyoin: how fuckin petty do you have to be tho

je suis le pain: we can only dream of being half as petty as Dio Brando

[Cuckyoin] changed the chat name from [Stardust Crusaders] to [Christian Moms Against Dio Brando]

Avdol: None of us are Christian.

[Cuckyoin] changed the chat name from [Christian Moms Against Dio Brando] to [Moms Of Various Faiths Against Dio Brando]

Cuckyoin: better?

Avdol: Better.

je suis le pain: please we all know mohammed is the only mom here

Avdol: But we’re dating, so doesn’t that make you a mom by extension, Jean?

je suis le pain: shit

je suis le pain: fine but i’m the cool mom

je suis le pain: im wine mom. sword mom

je suis le pain: theres capri suns in the fridge and your bedtime is never

Chapter Text

joey jojo: hey my internet was out what did i miss

Jotabro: we all hate dio

joey jojo: oh worm

Cuckyoin: @Jotabro hey… my family's back from italy… come over?

Jotabro: why

Cuckyoin: because I love you and want to see you?

Jotabro: sure i love you too but you don't usually invite people over right after you get back from a vacation

Jotabro: so what's your actual reason

Cuckyoin: … I need something off the top shelf in the kitchen and I can't find the stepladder

joey jojo: so you need your top to get something off the top shelf?

Cuckyoin: die

je suis le pain: haha short kakyoin

Cuckyoin: I'm not even short

Cuckyoin: I'm 178 cm (thats 5’10 in freedom units for you, Joseph and Jotaro) that's 7 entire centimeters taller than average for a man of japanese descent

Cuckyoin: you guys are just giants

Jotabro: noriaki you're the same size as my little sister

Cuckyoin: that's because your little sister is ridiculously tall

Jotabro: how did I end up with such a tiny boyfriend

je suis le pain: under 183cm dont interact

Cuckyoin: over 183cm don't interact

Avdol: If you aren't short, how come you can't reach the top shelf?

Cuckyoin: why are you joining in, aren't you supposed to be the mom friend

Avdol: That doesn't mean I'm not allowed to have fun.

Cuckyoin: well my house was first built by and for very tall people

Jotabro: our families should swap houses

Jotabro: our house was made for people of average height

Jotabro: almost my entire family is at least 6’2

Jotabro: do u see our problem

Avdol: Oh, I feel your pain. When Jean and I first moved into our apartment, he hit his head on the doorframe so much during the first week that he ended up with a big bruise on his forehead.

Cuckyoin: I remember that!

Cuckyoin: I was… very concerned

Avdol: So was I.

joey jojo: ah that happened to me when i was 13, and suddenly got really tall

joey jojo: fuckin sucked

je suis le pain: i got through it fine

Jotabro: I think that depends on your definition of “fine”

Cuckyoin: he was already like that though

je suis le pain: fu ck you

Avdol: If it's any comfort, Jean, I think you're pretty much perfect.

Jean: mo that's gay… <3

Avdol: <3

Cuckyoin: update: I found the stepladder

Cuckyoin: but Jotaro you can still come over if you want

Jotabro: … i'm on my way

joey jojo: aww

joey jojo: man i wish i was dating someone so we could be cute like that

Jotabro: Caesar

joey jojo: i dont swing that way jotaro for God's sake

joey jojo: besides even if i were gay I don't think he's into me anyways

je suis le pain: so youve thought about it?

joey jojo: NO i just dont get that sense from him!!

Avdol: Does he like men?

joey jojo: yeah but that doesnt mean he likes me

je suis le pain: whats his type?

joey jojo: uhh idk if its changed but in high school he told me he likes tall, muscular men, esp brunettes and he thinks british accents are hot

joey jojo: i think he had a crush on Jonathan lol

Cuckyoin: … joseph

Chapter Text

Cuckyoin: you know he was describing you??

joey jojo: what are you talking about?

Avdol: Joseph, please. Look in a mirror for me.

joey jojo: ok? done what now

Avdol: Are you tall?

joey jojo: 6’5

Avdol: Are you muscular?

joey jojo: very

Jotabro: what color is your hair

joey jojo: brown??

joey jojo: you guys are being weird

je suis le pain: and your voice??

joey jojo: i mean its? deepish? and ive kinda got an english accent yknow since jona and i lived there as a kid but its faded some since…. high school….

Cuckyoin: “tall, muscular men, esp brunettes and he thinks british accents are hot”

joey jojo: uh

joey jojo: i dont know i cant read all of a sudden

joey jojo: and wouldja look at the time i think i left the oven on and i have to feed our cat goodbye

Cuckyoin: josEPH JOESTAR

Jotabro: he is gone

je suis le pain: how much denial can a man be in…

Avdol: I wish I could help him but I wouldn't even know where to start.

Cuckyoin: he's so deep in the closet that he's about to find Narnia

joey jojo: so ive been thinking… about what you guys said earlier?

joey jojo: you really think Caesar is... into me like that??

Jotabro: joseph

Jotabro: when you and caesar first started hanging out you were 13. he was 14. so i was 10

Jotabro: and even when i was 10 years old i could tell

Jotabro: he was thirsting after you so hard

joey jojo: oh

joey jojo: that's… hm

je suis le pain: lemme ask you something Joseph

je suis le pain: how does that make you feel?

joey jojo: u h h

joey jojo: i don't know i mean he's my best friend

joey jojo: it doesn't really make me uncomfortable but it's still kinda weird

Avdol: Weird?

joey jojo: youre trying to imply something and the answer is no im still not gay and still not into him

Avdol: That's… really not what I was trying to imply at all, but okay, Joseph.

je suis le pain: alright fine, whatever you say

Cuckyoin: yeah, totally, we definitely believe you.

joey jojo: god i hate you people sometimes

Cuckyoin: this whole thing with Joseph's gay denial is reminding me of when me and Jotaro met

joey jojo: im not in denial

Cuckyoin: yeah whatever

Cuckyoin: Jotaro do you remember that?

Jotabro: we got into a fight in art class

Jotabro: I kicked your ass but you still broke my nose and we both got suspended

Cuckyoin: love at first punch <3

Avdol: That's weirdly similar to how Jean and I met.

je suis le pain: oh i remember that

Avdol: We had a disagreement in a restaurant and you challenged me to… a duel?

je suis le pain: id like to say that was a joke but well

Avdol: I accepted, actually. I have to say it was interesting.

je suis le pain: he won too

je suis le pain: and then i gave him my phone number and the rest is history!

joey jojo: so all of you met your boyfriends through violence??

joey jojo: thats kinda weird

Jotabro: Joseph remind me how you met Caesar

joey jojo: well he was flirting with this girl that i liked so i got mad and we got into a fight

joey jojo: .. damn does that just happen to everyone??

Cuckyoin: theory: we are all just physically incapable of making friends without a preceding act of violence

Chapter Text

joey jojo: hey you guys are pretty much all gay right?

je suis le pain: “pretty much” im sorry did one of us do something to imply we are not completely gay?

Cuckyoin: yeah Joseph we are in fact, gay. How long did it take you to figure that one out?

joey jojo: OBVIOUSLY i already knew that i just have a question

Jotabro: what's so important that you had to ask it here and to our family

Avdol: Is everything okay, Joseph?

je suis le pain: are you having a gay emergency

joey jojo: yeah kinda

je suis le pain: OOOH what's happening??

Cuckyoin: are you gay for Caesar?

joey jojo: im not telling you guys who it is because youre all dicks but how do you tell if you have a crush on a guy??

je suis le pain: well i know right away cause i look at him and think “wow! i wanna suck his dick”

Cuckyoin: same

je suis le pain: so if you wanna suck caesar's dick you probably like him

joey jojo: really presumptuous of you guys to assume that it's caesar

Avdol: Is it Santana?

joey jojo: i never liked Santana like that

je suis le pain: sure

Jotabro: he said in the other chat that it's Caesar

Cuckyoin: KNEW IT

je suis le pain: OOH I TOTALLY CALLED IT

Avdol: Did… anyone not call it?

Jotabro: yeah you guys aren't fuckin special

joey jojo: uhh my family joot not included is giving me a lot better advice than you guys are so ill get back to you on this

joey jojo: ive safely determined im probably really into caesar

joey jojo: how do i ask him out

je suis le pain: give him your number and ask him to meet you at the movie theater

joey jojo: he already has my number and he has for 7 years

je suis le pain: just the last part then

joey jojo: we go to the movies all the time…

je suis le pain: i have nothing then

joey jojo: i wanna do something grand and romantic yknow?

Jotabro: you don't have to be extra about it

joey jojo: but i WANNA be extra about it

Cuckyoin: buy him a ring pop

joey jojo: not dramatic enough

Cuckyoin: buy him as many ring pops as you possibly can

joey jojo: ...hmm….

Avdol: Please don't spend your food money on ring pops.

joey jojo: ring pops are food

Jotabro: you know dad won't send you any more money this month if you waste that

joey jojo: it's for a good cause

Jotabro: Joseph. no.

joey jojo: joseph YES

joey jojo: brb going to the store

Avdol: And what's your plan after you buy the ring pops?

joey jojo: obviously i have one i always have a plan

Cuckyoin: No, you have no plan, then you say you totally planned everything when you get lucky and it all goes right

joey jojo: well im going to the store bye

joey jojo: so the good news is i now have a boyfriend and 120 ring pops

joey jojo: the bad news is i now have 120 ring pops

je suis le pain: at least it worked?

joey jojo: oh no he actually said he was tempted to say no because of the ring pops

Jotabro: then what was even the point of them

joey jojo: ask kakyoin, hes the one who suggested it

Cuckyoin: I just wanted to see if you'd actually do it tbh

joey jojo: oh fuck you

Avdol: So what was your brilliant plan, now that it's conveniently concluded?

joey jojo: well my plan was the buy a lot of ring pops and give them to caesar with a cheesy line

joey jojo: “its a bit too soon for a real ring but thesell do for now, and maybe if you go out with me youll get a real one someday!”

joey jojo: he then stared at me in disbelief for a while but he agreed so everything went according to plan

je suis le pain: what are you going to do with all the ring pops

joey jojo: i guess we'll eat em cause we do not have the money for anything else anymore

Chapter Text

joey jojo: halloweens coming up pretty fast, yall got any plans?

je suis le pain: im going trick or treating with sherry then im holdin an all-night halloween party

Avdol: And I'll be making sure no one does any irreparable damage to themselves or our apartment.

joey jojo: ooh who all is coming??

je suis le pain: me, avdol, sherry, kak and jotaro, it's gonna be a smaller affair than last year as mandated by mohammed

Avdol: Because last year was a complete disaster. We practically had to remodel our entire kitchen.

je suis le pain: yeahhh but joseph moved away so our cabinets are safe this year!!

Avdol: I'm sorry, Jean, we just don't have the funds to risk throwing a big party… Though with friends like ours I'm not sure we can risk throwing a small party either.

Cuckyoin: are you gonna be a buzzkill and not let us drink this year too?

Avdol: You're underaged.

Jotabro: who CARES

Avdol: And don't you have school the day after Halloween anyways?

Jotabro: probably gonna skip

Avdol: Jotaro…

je suis le pain: how bout you joseph? you got any plans?

joey jojo: do i ever!

joey jojo: im also throwing a halloween party, at mine and caesars apartment

joey jojo: i have invited. everyone.

joey jojo: me and caesar ofc, also suzi, smokey, johnny and gyro, william and speedwagon, lisa lisa, and maybe wamuu and santana cause i heard theyll be nearby

Jotabro: whos lisa lisa

joey jojo: uhh, my aunt?

Jotabro: you mean Elizabeth??

joey jojo: why do you call her elizabeth

Jotabro: because her name is elizabeth?

joey jojo: well we call her lisa lisa

je suis le pain: why did you invite santana and wamuu, i thought you didn’t even like those guys

joey jojo: yeah i dont really like them anymore but they know how to party

joey jojo: santana knows where to get that good shit too if u know what i mean

joey jojo: point is im gonna have a rockin party

Cuckyoin: how are all those people going to fit in your apartment?

joey jojo: i dunno, good lord what are you guys, party plans critics?

joey jojo: we'll just figure all that out on halloween okay

Avdol: This doesn't sound like a good idea, Joseph.

joey jojo: its a great idea i only have good ideas

je suis le pain: if anyone can make it work its probably joseph

Cuckyoin: u right

je suis le pain: he just has the weirdest best luck with any and everything

je suis le pain: like, remember that time that joseph was drunk, at that party he threw when his parents were out of town, and he decided he’d do a flip off you guys’ second floor balcony

je suis le pain: and we were all like “joseph no! stop youre gonna break your neck!” and he did it anyways

je suis le pain: and he not only lived uninjured but did a damn near perfect flip, and landed right in front of some super hot girls who had been walking by

Jotabro: i remember that all too well because he also broke the balcony railing and then I had to explain that to mom and dad

joey jojo: lol yeah

Jotabro: never do that again joseph

joey jojo: no promises

Chapter Text

Cuckyoin: man polnareff that party was a lot of fun

Cuckyoin: thanks for inviting us!!

Jotabro: even if we didn't get to drink

Avdol: You know, Jean and I could get into real trouble if we gave you alcohol. You're kids.

Jotabro: yeah whatever

Jotabro: Sherry was cool, kinda surprised that was the first time we really hung out with her

Cuckyoin: yeah Sherry was awesome!!

Cuckyoin: we should add Sherry to the chat

je suis le pain: oh fuck yeah! I'll ask her if she wants to

[je suis le pain] added [Sherry ❤️] to the chat

Sherry ❤️: what's up bitches

Cuckyoin: hey fucker

joey jojo: … yknow. from all those times i heard pol talk about his little sister i really wasn't expecting that to be the first thing she said

Sherry ❤️: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

je suis le pain: oh yeah joseph, how did your party go?

joey jojo: ...i dont wanna talk about it…

je suis le pain: hey sherry are you at home right now? you left your scarf at my place, if you're home i can just drop it off now

Sherry ❤️: oh actually I'm out right now! just feel free to leave it there anyways, youve got a key

Sherry ❤️: im out with a, ah, gentleman friend of mine ^.^

je suis le pain: huhhh who is this guy??

Sherry ❤️: well,,,

Sherry ❤️: his name is hol horse…

Cuckyoin: hold up

Cuckyoin: that's his name? Like his real actual name? That's what on his birth certificate?

Sherry ❤️: it's what on his driver's license

Jotabro: is it first name hol last name horse?

Sherry ❤️: first name hol horse

Sherry ❤️: last name jones

joey jojo: HOL HORSE JONES

Cuckyoin: what's his middle name??

Sherry ❤️: I'll ask him!

Sherry ❤️: it's Oates

Jotabro: Oates.

je suis le pain: you're dating a guy

je suis le pain: named hol horse oates jones

Sherry ❤️: he's a cowboy

Avdol: I refuse to believe you're describing a real human man.

Sherry ❤️: [hol.png]

Sherry ❤️: there's a picture of us with him holding up his driver's license as proof

Jotabro: dear god

je suis le pain: I don't like it. I don't like him

Sherry ❤️: jeeeeaaaan I'm 19 you can't keep worrying about who I'm dating!!

je suis le pain: well i know but when his sister is dating a cowboy named hol horse jones in the year of our Lord 2018 can you blame a man for being worried?

Sherry ❤️: yeah that seems fair

Sherry ❤️: you gotta admit he's handsome tho

je suis le pain: i don't and I will not

Cuckyoin: I absolutely will admit that

Cuckyoin: I like his hair

Jotabro: his hat is pretty stupid

Sherry ❤️: and yours isn't?

Jotabro: you bitch

joey jojo: how DARE you talk shit on Jotaro's hat

joey jojo: it's stupid yeah but it's his Look! you don't insult a man's Look!

Jotabro: my hat is not stupid!

Cuckyoin: well…

Jotabro: well whatever, you can't judge me, mr hair noodle

Cuckyoin: heY

Cuckyoin: don't you DARE diss the noodle

Cuckyoin: I don't even have the worst hair here yknow

Cuckyoin: @je suis le pain

je suis le pain: oh REALLY NOW

[Sherry ❤️] has (1) direct message from [Avdol]

Avdol: Did you do that on purpose?

Sherry ❤️: now what ever do you mean by that?

Avdol: You got them all fighting about their “Looks”.

Avdol: Did you do that to distract from the topic of your cowboy boyfriend?

Sherry ❤️: well, maybe a little bit.

Avdol: He's going to have to meet your brother someday, you know.

Sherry ❤️: I know that, I'm just trying to put it off

Sherry ❤️: in some ways they're very similar, they'll either be best friends or kill each other when they meet

Avdol: Let's hope for “best friends”.

Chapter Text

je suis le pain: im mad

Cuckyoin: why are you mad, polnareff

je suis le pain: sherry brought her cowboy boyfriend over for christmas

Sherry ❤️: he is a nice man, Jean, just give him a chance

je suis le pain: i just

je suis le pain: cant get past his stupid fucking hat

joey jojo: you got past jotaro’s stupid fucking hat whats so different here?

Jotabro: joseph if you keep insulting my hat im going to go to new york and beat you to death

joey jojo: wow on christmas?? what about jesus, jotaro

Jotabro: ive already forsaken jesus a long time ago

Cuckyoin: ok, judas

je suis le pain: oh great he's got a country music cd

je suis le pain: why are we letting him play this?? it's not even christmas music

Sherry ❤️: we don't have any christmas music CDs

Sherry ❤️: besides the party was getting boring, with no music

Avdol: It's not really a party, though, it's more of a small family gathering with us and your parents?

Sherry ❤️: same difference

je suis le pain: but are we better off with shit like this? songs with titles like “truck yeah”, “she cranks my tractor”, “mammas don't let your babies grow up to be cowboys”, “there's a tear in my beer” and “all my exes live in texas”

Sherry ❤️: … okay well maybe some of his music choices are questionable

Cuckyoin: those don't even sound like real songs

Avdol: They're very real. Unfortunately.

je suis le pain: seeee avdol agrees with me about this guy

Avdol: Well, his music taste is certainly lacking, but he does seem… interesting.

joey jojo: it's a man dressed as a cowboy in 2018 how could he possibly not be interesting

Avdol: Exactly! I've been talking to him, he's had quite the life.

Avdol: Apparently he knows Dio?

Jotabro: of course Dio would have a cowboy in his harem cult thing

Sherry ❤️: “harem cult thing” ???? I'm pretty sure they're just friends,

joey jojo: if he's friends with dio they've had sex at least once I promise you

Jotabro: and all of Dio's “friends” pretty much worship him

je suis le pain: see I knew he was a weirdo!

Sherry ❤️: have you tried actually talking to him?

je suis le pain: … no

Sherry ❤️: try it

Sherry ❤️: I think you two have more in common than you realize

Jotabro: so how's that polnareff talking to hol horse thing going

Sherry ❤️: bad

Avdol: I'm nervous they might challenge each other to a duel.

Avdol: Jean is a good fencer but I really don't think he can use a gun

Sherry ❤️: and hol is a decent marksman but he'd definitely lose a swordfight

Cuckyoin: pol with a sword and hol with a gun who would win

Jotabro: depends, how big of a dumbass is hol horse

je suis le pain: HE'S THE BIGGEST DUMBASS

Avdol: I feel like it would come out as a draw.

joey jojo: doesn't matter because no matter who wins, avdol loses

Avdol: … Explain?

joey jojo: your pride is damaged because your boyfriend literally brought a sword to a gunfight

Cuckyoin: oh, I was thinking that Avdol would “lose” because he'd try to break up this stupid, stupid fight and hol horse would accidentally shoot him in the head or something

Avdol: To be honest both of you are probably right.

Avdol: Now I'm going to go drag Jean away from Hol Horse before that comes to fruition.

je suis le pain: he thinks he's so much better than me

Sherry ❤️: I should've seen this coming

Sherry ❤️: you two are too similar to get along

je suis le pain: what is that supposed to mean

Jotabro: I think she means you're both idiots

Sherry ❤️: well that's not how I was going to phrase it

Avdol: I don't think Jean is an idiot.

joey jojo: really? or are you just saying that because youre his boyfriend

Avdol: …

je suis le pain: you guys are the worst

Chapter Text

Cuckyoin: @je suis le pain hey what are you and avdol doing this weekend?

je suis le pain: taxes

Cuckyoin: … taxes?

je suis le pain: we're filing our taxes

je suis le pain: because that's what adults do

joey jojo: pol, you don't have a job, the fuck taxes are you filing?

je suis le pain: … well, uh

Jotabro: avdol what is he actually doing this weekend

Avdol: I… don't know? He hasn't told me anything either.

Cuckyoin: christ, polnareff

Sherry ❤️: jean are you having a secret affair or something?

je suis le pain: no!!

je suis le pain: mo would set me on fire i would never

Sherry ❤️: then what?? are?? you doing??

je suis le pain: it's none of your business!

je suis le pain: look im free literally any day before or after this weekend okay

Cuckyoin: well damn that sucks

Cuckyoin: I'm just gonna ignore how shady youre being right now and say im busy every day besides this weekend :/

Jotabro: even after school? jesus what do YOU have that's so important, nori?

Cuckyoin: I will have you know I have work after school

Cuckyoin: I got a part-time job at Subway!

joey jojo: yoo nice!!

joey jojo: kak youre the first one of us to actually be employed

Avdol: I have a job too, you know.

joey jojo: barely

Jotabro: you're a fortune teller. maybe that was more legit in egypt but in this town, that means you tell vague shit to new agey white people and sell them rose quartz or whatever and they believe you solely on the basis that you have a deep accent they can't recognize

joey jojo: yeah like lol do you ever come home at night like “oh man, long hard day at the fortune telling shop”?

je suis le pain: sometimes he does

Avdol: Those new agey white people are crazy, Joseph.

joey jojo: fair

joey jojo: ...soooo kak

joey jojo: any chance you can hook a dude up w some free sandwiches

Cuckyoin: uh, I mean, maybe, but you live on the other side of the country so?

Jotabro: maybe he could if you would visit home sometimes

joey jojo: oh good lord you sound like dad

Cuckyoin: why do you want free Subway anyways

Cuckyoin: we're the worst sandwich place in the world

joey jojo: lmao what are you talking about? subway is great

je suis le pain: it's the freshest fast food place at least

Cuckyoin: lol nope

Cuckyoin: the motto is just a lie

Cuckyoin: everything comes to us in boxes and bags and has probably been in the freezer for at least a week by the time it gets to you

Cuckyoin: and the tuna is like 80% mayonnaise and maybe 18% fish

Avdol: What about the other two percent?

Cuckyoin: hell if i know

Cuckyoin: oh also the garlic bread WILL give you food poisoning

joey jojo: oh

Jotabro: fuck yeah nori spill those corporate secrets

je suis le pain: is it at least clean

Cuckyoin: oh yeah, my boss would fuckin eviscerate me if I didn't wash my hands and wear gloves before even thinking about touching food don't worry

Cuckyoin: it's sanitary but the food is bad, is all

Cuckyoin: welp anyways i gotta go to work now

joey jojo: i still want a free sandwich

Chapter Text

Cuckyoin: @Sherry ❤️ there's something you really should know about your cowboy boyfriend

joey jojo: your cowboyfriend, if you will

Sherry ❤️: and I won't! what is it, nori?

Cuckyoin: he came into Subway today and you wanna know what he ordered?

Cuckyoin: tuna. with pepperoni. and marinara sauce. toasted.

Sherry ❤️: …

Sherry ❤️: what the fuck

Jotabro: bad news, you're definitely dating a serial killer

je suis le pain: yep we found the zodiac killer it's mr hol horse jones case closed you’re welcome police

Jotabro: dump him

Sherry ❤️: I'm not breaking up with my boyfriend over a sandwich!!!

joey jojo: it's like, a really bad sandwich tho

je suis le pain: what if you two eventually move in together??

je suis le pain: would you want him eating that in your home??

Cuckyoin: it did smell really bad

Sherry ❤️: i

Sherry ❤️: i am going to talk to him about that when the time comes

joey jojo: sherry's gonna live in a house permeated with the scent of tuna and marinara someday

Sherry ❤️: what, you don't think he'll respect my wishes?

Avdol: If he's anything like Jean?

Avdol: You'll have trouble getting him to do anything.

je suis le pain: wtf is that supposed to mean

Avdol: You know what it means.

je suis le pain: i washed the dishes last night!!

Avdol: You didn't.

Avdol: You literally didn't, I'm looking at them right now, they're still in the sink.

je suis le pain: they're soaking

Sherry ❤️: hey guys

Sherry ❤️: i just wanted to ask

Sherry ❤️: if hol horse got added to the chat, would you guys be mean to him?

Jotabro: yes

joey jojo: yeah

je suis le pain: of course??

Cuckyoin: how could I not

Avdol: Probably yes.

Sherry ❤️: cool

Sherry ❤️: I'll leave him out of this for now

Jotabro: no add him

Cuckyoin: let us bully the cowboy

Sherry ❤️: no!!

joey jojo: do it do it do it

je suis le pain: i dont want him here either i hate him

Jotabro: does anyone else have his info?

Avdol: I do.

Cuckyoin: add him Avdol

Cuckyoin: pls

Avdol: Give me a better reason than "We want to bully him".

Cuckyoin: ill give you 20 bucks?

Avdol: … Hmm…

[Avdol] added [Yeehonk] to the chat

Sherry ❤️: are. are you kidding me

je suis le pain: mo you greedy fuck

Avdol: Every man has his price, Jean.

je suis le pain: and yours is twenty dollars?!?

Yeehonk: What is this

Sherry ❤️: not my idea

Jotabro: sup, tuna marinara

Jotabro: fuckin weirdo

Cuckyoin: yeah wtf is up with that sandwich dude

joey jojo: what else can you expect from a guy who dresses like a cowboy in goddamn 2019?

Yeehonk: You guys are Sherry's friends??

Yeehonk: Sherry your friends are really mean

Sherry ❤️: i am so sorry, hol

Sherry ❤️: you can leave if you want

Yeehonk: nah I'm just happy to finally be part of somethin

Yeehonk: yknow, 'sides Dio's weird gay cult

joey jojo: that's the saddest thing I've ever heard a cowboy say

Chapter Text

Cuckyoin: ayy just got back from work, how's everyone else's day been?

Jotabro: Dio apparently got arrested today

Cuckyoin: ...oh

je suis le pain: about time

Yeehonk: aw =(

Yeehonk: i liked that guy…

joey jojo: well of course, he probably gave you your first gay experience

Yeehonk: ...that's not what I meant yknow

joey jojo: but I don't hear you denying it

Yeehonk: look I don't like boys

Yeehonk: not like that I mean

joey jojo: I bet i could change your mind ;)

Yeehonk: wh

Yeehonk: what in tarnation are you talking about

Sherry ❤️: joseph!!

Sherry ❤️: don't hit on my boyfriend??

Avdol: If you do it again, we'll tell Caesar.

joey jojo: oh god please no

joey jojo: i was only joking anyways, I was just making fun of this straight nerd

Cuckyoin: can I remind you that as recently as last year, you were the straight nerd we were making fun of?

joey jojo: yes but now im bi and it's so freeing

joey jojo: idk why i was in the closet for so long, dating guys and making fun of straight people is the best

Cuckyoin: you sound like you’re ready to just up and move to san francisco

Jotabro: start a village people tribute band and in 20 years join the second reboot of queer eye

joey jojo: we would be the worst fab five

Sherry ❤️: considering there’s seven of us

joey jojo: six, hol doesnt count, he’s straight

je suis le pain: still 7 if you count iggy

Avdol: Why would Iggy count?

je suis le pain: well you know, we sometimes take him on our adventures, he’s like the team pet

Avdol: What adventures?

Avdol: Well, the closest thing we have to adventures is taking Iggy on walks, so I guess you’re not totally wrong.

Cuckyoin: team pets also don’t usually hate the rest of the team

Sherry ❤️: idk what y’all are talking about, Iggy doesn’t hate me

Jotabro: did you just say y’all

Sherry ❤️: …

Sherry ❤️: blame hol horse

je suis le pain: goddammit hol horse

je suis le pain: you are ruining my sister with your cowboy talk

Yeehonk: i ain’t gonna change the way i talk cause it doesn’t suit your fancy tastes

je suis le pain: ugh

je suis le pain: you are literally the worst

Sherry ❤️: pls stop fighting

Jotabro: no keep fighting

Cuckyoin: fight fight fight-

Sherry ❤️: stop encouraging them!!

Avdol: If they fight, I’m fairly certain someone is going to die.

Avdol: Maybe not even either of them.

Avdol: Maybe me, from the sheer embarrassment.

Sherry ❤️: same!!

Avdol: Jean unless you want to have to bury your sister and your husband please stop.

je suis le pain: we’re… not married?

Avdol: …

Avdol: Not yet.

je suis le pain: are you proposing?

Avdol: Look at the time I have to go.

joey jojo: what just happened

je suis le pain: he just… briskly walked out of our apartment

je suis le pain: i think i might be engaged now?

Cuckyoin: congratulations?

Chapter Text

je suis le pain: good news guys, mo and I are engaged! actually this time

je suis le pain: he got over his embarrassment and asked me for real

Avdol: Haha, yes,,

joey jojo: any ideas for who your best men are gonna be??

joey jojo: cause i got a suggestion

je suis le pain: you can be my best man, joseph

joey jojo: YEAH

Sherry ❤️: obvi u need a flower girl right

Avdol: Aren’t flower girls usually supposed to be little kids?

Sherry ❤️: yeah but consider this: who cares

je suis le pain: yeah fuck tradition, we’ll do what we want

Cuckyoin: please tell me there will be a bouquet toss tho, you can’t skip that tradition

Jotabro: nori

Jotabro: i love you, but no matter how many bouquets you catch we’re still 17 and we’re not getting married anytime soon

Cuckyoin: well not with that attitude

joey jojo: yeah to be tbh none of us should be clamoring to get married. ‘sides pol and avdol ofc

Sherry ❤️: what do you mean?

joey jojo: well joot and kak are 17

joey jojo: cece and i have been dating for little less than a year and arent exactly financially stable

joey jojo: and sherry, youve been dating hol for even shorter and also hes a weird and sorta gross cowboy

Yeehonk: ...i dont think i can even argue with yall bout that anymore…

Jotabro: that was shockingly level-headed of you, Joseph

joey jojo: thanks

joey jojo: anyways, you guys know around when the weddings gonna be?

je suis le pain: we arent sure, but probably pretty soon

je suis le pain: itll be a smaller deal so yknow probably wont take too long to plan

Yeehonk: dependin on how soon “pretty soon” is i might not be able to make it

je suis le pain: a shame

Yeehonk: I’m makin a trip to Italy in mid-october to

Yeehonk: see a friend

Jotabro: oh you’re visiting Dio in jail?

Yeehonk: somethin like that

joey jojo: make sure you tell us how he’s doing

Jotabro: yeah i want to hear about that too

je suis le pain: wait, are you guys worried about dio??

Jotabro: well

Jotabro: yeah kinda

joey jojo: like dickish as he is, hes still our brother, whether he likes it or not

Jotabro: plus he melts down if he doesn’t get his nails done on a monthly basis, he’s got to be mentally declining in there

Yeehonk: yeah i talked to him on the phone for a few minutes and he definitely wasnt happy

Yeehonk: i sure hope we can get him out soon…

Cuckyoin: i mean im not gonna say i hope he stays there forever but

Cuckyoin: i could live with the world being given a break from dio for a few more months

Jotabro: and i’m not gonna totally disagree with you

je suis le pain: i mean if hes in jail he can’t ruin any big events…

Avdol: You really think he would? He barely knows us.

Jotabro: if anyone would crash a wedding for no reason other than to be an asshole?

Jotabro: it would be Dio

Chapter Text

je suis le pain: holy shit, its just hitting me that the wedding is tomorrow

je suis le pain: it kept getting delayed so much, it's kinda just now starting to feel real

Avdol: It'll be worth the wait, though.

je suis le pain: u right <3

joey jojo: yea why'd it keep getting delayed??

joey jojo: no offense but it doesnt seem like there was much going on in your lives

je suis le pain: scheduling conflicts with family, mostly

je suis le pain: we kept trying to find a date when both our families could make it to the states, since mo's family lives in Egypt and all my favorite cousins are still in France

je suis le pain: but since we're just doing it over zoom now that doesn't really matter anymore

Cuckyoin: it does suck that we can't see you in person…

Yeehonk: Yeah, a real shame =(

je suis le pain: I didn't want to see your stupid cowboy face anyways, hol horse

Yeehonk: well damn i was just trying to be nice, fuck you too

Yeehonk: sherry's not gonna get to do her flower girl thing either and I really do think that's a shame

Sherry❤️: ohoho that's just what you think

Sherry❤️: I have spent the past 3 days making paper flower petals

Sherry❤️: I am going to throw them at the camera

je suis le pain: fuck yes sherry

joey jojo: question is there like, a dress code

Avdol: Please don't show up in your sweatpants and oversized Nirvana t shirt.

joey jojo: … I'll try not to

Jotabro: I'll wear my best clothes

joey jojo: which totally means a lot coming from you

Jotabro: Joseph are fucking kidding me? My favorite pants cost $300 alone you don't get to tell me they aren't nice

joey jojo: woah what the fuck seriously you spend that much money on clothes???

Jotabro: I care about looking nice, okay

Cuckyoin: ooh avdol polnareff are you guys going to like, dress iggy up in a little doggy tuxedo for the wedding bc you Should

je suis le pain: no iggy's going to be set in another room with his food, water and bed and not let out until the wedding is over bc I don't want him ruining it

Cuckyoin: wtf

Sherry❤️: I object to this now that Kakyoin has said it you two are morally obligated to put your dog in a tuxedo

Avdol: I am not going to try to get Iggy into a tuxedo. I value my life too much.

je suis le pain: I'm kinda nervous about the whole thing tbh

je suis le pain: mostly bc this'll be my first time seeing mo's parents since...you know

Cuckyoin: no, we don't know, what the hell are you talking about?

Avdol: Let's just say that Jean and Iggy… didn't make a great first impression on my father.

Avdol: But it's fine, Jean, I promise, his hair grew back fine and he isn't mad anymore.

joey jojo: why are wedding ceremonies always so boring

Cuckyoin: jesus christ joseph they can see these messages

joey jojo: yeah but it's not like they're looking at their phones rn they're busy, you know, getting married

Cuckyoin: yeah but they'll see it afterwards

Cuckyoin: and it's almost over anyways

joey jojo: … shit

Avdol: Heard you were talking shit.

joey jojo: …

joey jojo: it's been ten minutes guys c'mon it's in the past

je suis le pain: some best man you are

joey jojo: =(

je suis le pain: it's almost time for your speech, worst man, so at least pretend you're paying attention and not looking at your phone

Avdol: Speaking of your speech, I know we agreed not to read it before the wedding but please do keep in mind you'll be reading it in front of an older middle eastern couple.

Avdol: My parents are fairly relaxed but please, I am begging you, consider removing the blowjob jokes I am sure you scattered throughout.

joey jojo: … ok fine

joey jojo: mr no fun allowed

Cuckyoin: can I just say? Sherry did some top notch petal throwing out there

Sherry ❤️: thank you!

Yeehonk: wish I coulda seen it

je suis le pain: you aren't invited, cowboy

joey jojo: ok my speech is ready

joey jojo: guaranteed no dick jokes in this draft

joey jojo: am i going first or are your parents

Avdol: You are, Joseph. We've been over this.

joey jojo: ok cool

Cuckyoin: hm that's

Cuckyoin: that's not a good opening

Avdol: .. I think I hate Joseph.

Jotabro: well you only asked him to remove the dick jokes

Jotabro: you didn't specify he shouldn't talk about polnareff getting blackout drunk and making a fool of himself

je suis le pain: i mean it's kind of a sweet story, he's talking about how you supported me even while I was that drunk

je suis le pain: and the ending is fine, can't go wrong with your standard congratulations

joey jojo: did I do good

Avdol: No.

je suis le pain: yea

Jotabro: at least you didn't pull a Diego?

Cuckyoin: Avdol, what did your dad say? I don't know any Arabic.

Avdol: Ah, he was just congratulating us and wishing us luck in our marriage.

Jotabro: cool what did he actually say

Avdol: … "Mohammed, there are millions of men in America. I don't know why you picked this one. At least you are finally married."

je suis le pain: fuck it man that's the nicest thing he's ever said about me, I'll toast to that