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“Awrf! Awrf!” Titus barked, stopping only to chew the sleeve of his Italian suit, still he refused to get out of bed. “Awrf!” The Great Dane insisted adding a sad whimper.
“Meow?” Alfred joined them and jumped on the pillow, doubtful eyes fixed on the boy, “meow” the cat rubbed his head again on Damian's.
“I know.” He sighed heavily dropping his shoulders and petting both of them with a sad almost invisible smile, the pleased expressions made his lips quirk up a little more. “At least you appreciate me and actually want me.”
Who was he? What me ever meant to him? If even he didn't know how could anybody else? Why would anyone else care? About him, about a monster, a demon... He buried his head under the pillow, to dismiss the pets’ anxious looks towards him, if he concentrated enough he could go back to sleep, pretend he couldn't wake and make it to the ceremony. His father didn't even had the decency of telling him, let alone ask what he thought about it, about her… in fact his own mother got to know before him. He didn't matter, not at all, he was a liability, another case of morality for Batman, some non wanted burden to this whole clan or this whole family. Some sudden anger caught him, he threw the pillows and sheets on the floor, then he knelt up on the bed, his head down, his crown leaning heavily against the tall backboard, he tried to ignore the big lump in his throat but the swallowing wasn't that easy so he cried, tears streaming down the mahogany wood of the board, no scream, no punches, no anger, just the tears. Two knocks on the door pulled him out of the bed, the sharp yet soft sound told him it was Pennyworth… who else would it be? He thought bitterly as he put the frown and angry scowl back on. He watched standing by the altar alongside with the three of his predecessors all built up in the same suits as his, smiling, fakers… he stared at the ground trying so hard to put on his smile, this was publicity for the media, politics, Gotham's elite, the entire world, still he could not bring himself to the acting all he felt was distaste, he looked up to the couple picturing their mouths as they drew 'I do’ it tore him apart and it did even more because he didn't even want that to be Talia, the woman who rejected, disowned and killed him, no the reason was much worse the woman standing beside his father was the chosen one… He sucked in a breath and look back to the three young men next to him another of father's few chosen ones… He just wanted to vanish away, but he wouldn’t break down, he would stand tall, he would stay strong, full of pride, honor and greatness that's what he's supposed to be as a Wayne, as an Al’Ghul, as himself whoever it was.
Damian had had enough of it, the Manor became crowded, his space completely invaded he felt like a foreign in his own home, maybe he was really a foreign the giant house wasn't his home. Of course nobody was in a good mood, of course everyone was just eager to get their lives back but they fell in place so right it was unnerving for Damian, how he could never get the same thing the others got from his father. He became angry, he lost control, he got benched and then there was that Bruce, his wife and his three sons, the ray of sunshine, the rebel and the smart, Batman, his Catwoman and his Robins, there was no Damian, as much as he faded into his red, green and yellow uniform he would never be one of them. The last straw came at dinner when they were informed that they were going on vacation together as a family, that was it then his father had his chosen family all together that might have made him happy something Damian has never been capable of. Once again he'd go along with it, or maybe not, not if he could help it and if Selina had a plan to end this trip sooner rather than later he would engage in it.
Surely that didn't come out well, all he had left to do was cut the act and turn on his iPod and drift away in his music, if he'd be trapped in this little family ploy that nothing to do with him so he would sleep, no one would mind it anyway, they'd even prefer it that way, of course because it'd be like he was not there. He shut his eyes letting motion of the minivan lull him to sleep, he thought about Titus, Alfred The Cat and BatCow, the girls had compromised in taking care of them, then he thought about Zitka at the circus, he wished he could take her home, soon he was picturing Dick's smiles, were those smiles ever really meant for him? Or were they just out of pity for another tortured child , as the man referred to him when thinking he wasn't around? The former was most likely, all Damian had to do was look at his relationship with Tim and Jason, always trustful, always throwing jokes, talking girls, hanging out to beers with the older and sparring fair with the younger, maybe they were worthy of brotherhood and Damian was at most worthy of a babysitter. There he goes again, he was supposed to be trying to sleep, why did they always come to his mind like this?
When the minivan stopped and he woke up again, everything had changed and the hole that they had felt kept getting deeper and deeper, now he was forced to act like a Thomas Something, go along with that woman he barely knew passing for his mother and it was about to get worse. He was tired of all the babying, he was tired of everyone lessening him to the position of a child, he was not letting it slide again, well something else slid, the amulet did. Next thing he knew he wasn't thinking clear, everything felt a little faded, a lot big, it was like all around him was too bright, too loud, too intense, his senses mixed into each other, a stranger pulled him off of the ground, he wanted to fight, to yell but he couldn't tell what was happening nothing was coming out right, the room got crowded and then voices started speaking he was being handed to someone else, the gentle whisper in his ear hitting him Richard… Dick? From the new arms he saw the face of his father and instinctively reached and called for him, trying to form the words but nothing would come out he focused until there were sounds out of his mouth, it worked and for the first time in what he thought was forever he saw a smile spread across the man's lips, his eyes shone bright blue tight from the grin and Damian stared in awe, a calming feeling flooding his entire being.
“Hey Thomas, hey baby.” And just like that it was all gone, Damian wasn't himself at the moment, that much he knew but why did it hurt so hard to know that that tone, that smile, that happiness wasn't for him, what did he expect? None of that would ever be his, maybe he would've been him, maybe he would've been Thomas if Talia hadn't taken him away, hidden him, maybe his father would've loved him.
“Do you think he can understand us?” Selina asked Bruce, eyes planted on Damian, the man holding him tight and softly as she sat back on the couch, coming from the room where the other boys slept.
“I don't know…” He answered distantly after a while.
“I think he can,” she smiled down at him “he is really smart, you know?” her voice drowning in awe and they both chuckled slightly.
“Yes… He is.” Bruce agreed, “Do you know what else you are?” He turned to the baby “You are some stubborn little guy, why won't you sleep for baba, huh?” Damian's big roundy eyes looking wide awake to him.
“You do realize you sound silly making this voice in all your batmanliness, right?” she laughed quietly approaching them, “here, I have an idea.” Selina carefully took him in her arms and started humming fading it to a soft purring.
“These last few weeks have been something I never imagined I could live, you, the boys…” The man's low voice dwindling as Damian fought to remain awake but the purring and the light rocking of Selina got the best of him,
Why it felt like he slept 70% of the time he had no idea but he didn't have any idea of most everything by now, his impulses spoke louder, he was unable to control his actions and reactions, he lost all of the awareness at some point. Now he watched eagerly Tim and Jason playing with the colorful blocks talking to him a offering a bright green one, obviously the first thing he did was bring it into his mouth to chew, they giggled and Damian handed the saliva covered toy back to them. Selina came with hands on her hips to reprimand them mildly, she sent Dick to bath him but the boy spent most of the time trying to entertain Damian with a bright yellow duck while the baby amused himself with the beaming boy and the bubbles slapping the water and squeaking.
Everything was coming to him like flashes, mixed yet disconnected, intense yet faded and blurry. He could recall the moment he was waking up among the boys Selina held him Bruce connected some cables in the open fields, they all came to sit in the old car, with a blasting light the topaze crystal glowed before the entirety of their surroundings got covered in fog. His mind danced around replaying and organizing the memories, suddenly the effort it took was unbearable, like his lungs weren't breathing, his heart wasn't beating, some successions of pressure in his chest forced him to jump awake. He sat up and ignored the worried eyes laying on him taking time to analyze his hands palms and back, his legs sitting on the asphalt, the blanket wrapped on his body, running his long fingers through his thick raven hair.
“Dami?” Dick's voice filled his ears as he kept recollecting the moments of an infant he had just lived, pain waved inside him.
The young man knelt down to scoop around Damian’s head with his hands and massage the bump he only now realized he had, the concern on his face disgusted the boy into anger. “Unhand me you moron!” without thinking twice he pushed Dick abruptly throwing him to the ground with the surprise, he ran stepping away from the people circling him only have himself grabbed up in his father’s arms like he was a little toy doll.
“Damian calm down, you have a concussion.” The man made sure to pull out his most stern voice. “We have to get back to Gotham so Alfred can take a look at your head.” The commanding tone only fueled Damian’s anger.
“Why don’t you and your kyle wife go do some intercouse? Yeah hook up so you can have a Thomas of your own to rule over and hand it to Pennyworth take a look at-” He freed himself clenching his fists when his feet touched the pavement.
“Watch your tongue Damian…” The warning came as Bruce stepped a foot closer.
“Maybe he won’t be a murderer, maybe he will be a worthless doctor like-” a slapping hand came so hard against his left cheek he stumbled back bowing down and his ear stung with the ringing sound.
“Bruce…?” Selina’s voice was the only one heard, the others were staring skeptically at the red mark forming on the boys face.
Damian looked to both sides of the road feeling dizzy, where would he even go? Right now he wished he’d been sent to any school in Switzerland or anywhere else. He stood up straight and walked over to the old van, he didn’t look back or to the sides for that matter, he kept his head held up high as much as his face, but it wasn’t like he hadn’t been hit a couple thousand times before, by Ra's, by Talia, by trainers, by a lot of people, his father was no different, well he could take it, he had no other choice but taking it. He straightened up and composed himself, then he walked silently to the old van, ignoring the whirling of his head he took the same spot he had been since the beginning of this entire trip, he sat there and waited, the vehicle and everything else spun around him, How was it that that fucking baby got so much love and caring? How was it that those idiots I dared to call family love him so much? Why did I even bother to think that could be me? He stares at the liars all of them Damian thought about the little times he got praised, the times he thought he was loved and then thought about all that baby got, a baby that could be him if it wasn’t for… What the hell was he thinking, he was a murderer, a monster and a monster did not deserve any of that, not his own mother saw anything other than a weapon why would anybody else? All of those demonstrations of affection from Dick could only translate to one thing: pity, because he couldn’t even be a good monster, his father didn’t even bother to show he was there for his own sense of morality, Todd and Drake weren’t around anyways and that woman he was his father’s real love for them he was just some unwanted bastard, a liability, an obstacle in their way to a family… maybe they should have left me in hell. Damian had lost track of time sinking in his thoughts when he reattached to the world the vehicle was far into the highway, everyone silent with scowls on their faces, he recognized Gotham on the horizon, he didn’t want to be there right now he wanted to be nowhere, not long after they pulled up at the manor enormous garage just as dusk fell on the skies, nothing appeared out of normal, they were home just on the right date, at the right time, Alfred awaited them on the hall, fresh from his own trip, Damian ignored the greetings and walked past everyone to his room, no sign of his pets anywhere.
“Damian?” two knocks on his door and a gentle voice called him after a couple or several hours he didn’t know “Damian, can I come in?” the voice tried again after getting no answer.
In complete darkness the boy looked morosily at the door from his bed and turned his back on it, the sharp cracking of the door being opened made him shut his eyes, he didn’t need nor wanted to be close to anyone, let alone the female coming into his private space, she stopped by the bed and he felt her simply staring at him he could taste her pity on the tip of his tongue it was sour and then bitter, he suddenly wanted to spit.
“I know you’re awake, you don’t have to talk with me if you don’t want to,” she paused to sit down at the armchair beside the bed, Titus came whining into the room “I just wanted you to hear me out, I’m certainly not the best at these kind of feels things, I’m probably in the worst section of it, heck this whole family is in there, but I get it what you're feeling right now and I want you to know that it’s alright, it’s alright to feel angry and insecure sometimes, lemme tell a secret your dad does that lot,” she chuckled to herself, Damian wanted to wave her away, to shut her up but couldn’t bring himself to move “remember when we talked after my bachelorette party? We made a deal, we promised we’ve got each other’s back, that hasn’t changed-” her hand rested on the sheets Alfred jumped on the bed “-what Bruce did back there wasn’t… he didn’t mean it I’m sure of that Damian, he just is even worse than any of us with the feeling thing and you went to taint something sacred for him, that doesn’t excuse what he did in any way but don’t ever feel like it was a cold, calculated move to hurt you, he’d never want to hurt you or any of your brothers, you boys are his life…” Damian -tted in disagreement “I don’t know how to handle any of this but I know that was my fault, naming you in that other dimension I shouldn’t have, I should’ve thought of something else, you have already been under so many shadows, I’m sorry and I reinforce what I said that night I don’t think I’ll ever be lucky to have another Damian Wayne.” He turned to face her scowling but sadness was all that stamped his expression. “Hey there,” he couldn’t stand that softness and his back was to her again, he expected her to keep speaking or just leave, instead she remained there, rubbing circles between his shoulder blades, slightly rocking him and she started purring joined by his cat, there was nothing to be said and not knowing why or how he finally drowned in a dreamless sleep.
To be continued...