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Tony doesn’t know how they ended up here.
It was nearly midnight, they sat in the kitchen staring across the counter at one another, illuminated only by flashes of lightening through the wall of windows and a single light fixture embedded in the wall behind Tony. The sound of pounding rain and thunder was deafening in their shared silence, all their words having been eaten up by shouts and snarls over the past few hours.
Stephen’s trembling hands were laid flat on the counter in front of them, Tony preferred to look at them over the expression on the other man’s face. He knew what he would find, the only thing worse then the furious grimace that graced it as of late, it would be blank, so painfully blank. Like Tony said, he doesn’t know how they ended up here.
It had been building for months now, but still he could never point to a singular moment when everything began to crash down around them. Perhaps it was when Stephen begun disappearing to realms more often, when Tony snapped at Stephen during a panic attack, when Stephen had fucked up and let Peter get hurt, when Tony had shattered a relic in his anger the one time.
It could be any of those and more. Silence had slowly crept in around them, strangling the air in the room. Tonight, was the first in nearly two weeks that Stephen had stayed for longer then a couple hours. Tony had sincerely hoped to get them on the right track again, instead it had ended in terse words, thinly veiled insults, wounded pride, and two equally battered souls. Now looking across at the man, Tony felt horribly empty.
“What are we doing?” Tony finally looked up to meet Stephen’s eyes, noted the sheer exhaustion there, they way his lips turned down at the end of the question.
“I don’t know.” He answered honestly.
The other man shook his head, turning to look out into the dark, straining to see past the wet windows. “Going around in circles I think.”
Tony nodded, trusting it was seen in his reflection.
“I think…I think I’m done.” Quiet and oh so sad, it was completely at odds with his earlier anger.
Something jolted in Tony, just a little spark as he stared at Stephen. He wasn’t sure how he felt about it, hated that he couldn’t tell. “Why?” Tony was surprised at his own question, hadn’t meant to ask it.
Stephen turned back to him, rolled his eyes and scoffed. “Why? I’m sorry but I don’t exactly enjoy what we’ve been doing here.”
It was the most honest the man had been in awhile and Tony can’t find fault with his explanation. Still, a new statement sits on the tip of his tongue, doesn’t know if its stubbornness or stupidity, “You haven’t exactly done much to stop it.”
The glare shot his way was unnerving, but Tony only sat up straighter. He isn’t looking for another fight, yet for some reason the dim lighting seems to be leaving them both braver. “I’m just saying, we both wanted a nice night for once.” The hard edge in his voice is utterly incontrollable.
Stephen frowned. “For once. That seems impossible for us.”
“It didn’t used to be.”
Stephen shrugged, and Tony refuses to believe he is unaffected by this. “I don’t know where we went wrong.” It hurts to say the words, they are too revealing of his vulnerability, too raw.
Stephen drops his gaze to the counter where his hands still lay. “I don’t think it was us.” He spoke quietly again, voice carrying over to him in its deep baritone and causing a shiver to go through Tony. “I think it has always been inevitable. What we do has never been compatible with relationships.”
“Bullshit.” Stephen didn’t react, and that little spark Tony had felt was quickly fanning into a flame. “Our jobs have nothing to do with us. Grow up and take some responsibility.”
Stephen glared at him now. “That goes both ways Tony.”
His jaw clenched, wanted to bite back his next words. He couldn’t understand why he was doing this, why he didn’t just let Stephen stalk away into one of his portals like he almost always did these days. He didn’t know what he was fighting for. “Fine.”
Stephen raised an eyebrow.
Tony plowed ahead, mouth running faster then his brain for once, heart beating rapidly in his chest. “I stopped listening to you around the same time I decided I didn’t like what you were saying. I began to resent you for leaving me behind while you fought your battles but asked you to help me in every one of mine.” A deep shuddering breath, silence from Stephen. “I got angry when I realized you didn’t want to tell me about your past, I got lonely when I went to an empty bed every night for a week in a row.” This next one would hurt and as Tony looked into Stephen’s dark eyes he couldn’t say if he actually wanted it to or not. “I began to wonder if I loved you for you, or if it was just because you helped me save the world.”
To his credit, Stephen’s face retained its stoic expression. Tony simply felt frustrated, but then the man opened his mouth, and his stomach dropped.
“I started to doubt us the third time you made it clear you couldn’t trust magic. I was disappointed the eighth time you cancelled a dinner to tinker with a new invention or went to a party. I was hurt when I realized you preferred to go to someone else with your problems, with our problems then me. I gave up on us when you visited me four times in a row searching only for the information I could provide you, without even a thank you.”
They stared across at one another, the silence oppressive as they both valiantly struggled not to protest and shout and degrade. Tony for his part worked to ignore the aching in his chest, the burning in his eyes as he watched the tic in Stephen’s jaw, clearly preparing to say something.
“I think that made things abundantly clear.” His voice was low, controlled.
Tony couldn’t deny it. “I suppose it did.”
Stephen was suddenly averting his eyes, looking at his own hands before they finally moved, reaching for the sling ring that had been sitting there all evening.
“Do you love me?” It came out in a rush, startling both them, as wide eyes met uneasy ones. Silence dragged on, another flash of lightening and a low rumble. Tony felt utterly foolish, yet he held his ground, wanted to hear it so they could leave on clear terms.
For the first time tonight since the shouting stopped, Stephen’s carefully crafted mask seemed to crack. His eyes filled with an oddly ancient kind of pain, one of the many things Tony had never been able to decipher about the man in front of him, one of the many things that had dragged him in and caught his interest in the beginning.
“I think so.” It was unsure, a little scared but oh so honest.
Something small and warm unfurled in Tony’s chest. It was barely noticeable, but for the first time in a long time, the words that came from Stephen’s mouth made him feel pleasant. He knew the question hurt the man, however, understood that this was just putting salt in the wound. Yet, a small voice inside him whispered treacherously that it didn’t have to be, that if he really wanted this could be fixed. Problem was he wasn’t certain he wanted it to be, but then again, he almost never thought decisions through, even important ones. He preferred to live on instinct both in battle and in life, so he met Stephen’s uncomfortable gaze with his own defiant ones.
“I think I still love you too.” His expression turned doubtful, so Tony continued. “I still remember all the reasons I used to love you, I still worry when you are gone too long, I still sleep on one side of the bed hoping you’ll be there in the morning.”
Stephen’s hands lifted from the table, instinctively hiding them away, which meant they were shaking more the usual. This tell gave Tony hope, for what he wasn’t sure. He waited though, knew the ball was in Stephen’s court.
The man shook his head, no longer looking at Tony again. “I should go.”
There was a roaring in Tony’s ears, familiar frustration stirring in his gut. He had never taken well to not getting what he wanted. “You don’t want to even try?”
Stephen blew a sigh of irritation. “Try what Tony? This relationship has been hurting for months and suddenly you care to try? I think we’ve caused enough pain for one another.” Then his hard expression dropped into something exhausted and defeated, his voice grew somber and quiet again. “I…we wouldn’t even know where to start.”
Tony bit back his own temper, reigning it in for once. Tentatively he reached a hand out toward Stephen, left it palm up and open. The man stared down at it for what felt like several minutes, weary and unsure. Then finally, slowly, he brought one of his trembling hands back up and laid it gently in Tony’s. His heart beat fast as he gently squeezed it, met the other man’s eyes. “Stay. Let’s start with staying.” Tony whispered.
Stephen hesitated only a moment before silently squeezing his hand back, “Alright.”