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“You said you loved me.”
Magnus’ hands trembled as he made his way into his loft, with Alec closely trailing behind him.
“Magnus, I—”
“No, Alexander.” Once Alec had crossed the loft’s threshold, Magnus shut its door with a swirl of blue sparks from his fingertips. “You said you loved me.”
“Magnus, I do. I do love you. More than anything—” Alec attempted to voice a response to the implied question in Magnus’ words—
But Magnus cut him off, yet again. “But you didn’t stop her...Alexander, how could you not stop her?”
“Magnus, you should know better than anyone what Valentine is capable of.” Alec took in a shallow breath, while slightly adjusting his posture. “He’s...powerful. And tricks on the mind are where he seems to excel the best. If I would’ve let him go, he could’ve wreaked havoc on the Downworld...and he could’ve hurt you—”
“Don’t. Don’t pretend as if you care about me, Shadowhunter.” Magnus scoffed, before folding his arms across his chest. “You don’t give a damn about the Downworld. No, you...Alexander Lightwood...you just didn’t want to be wrong. You didn’t want to be on the wrong side of history, again. And you were willing to do whatever it took to keep the Lightwood name out of the Clave’s dustbins.”
“Magnus...you know that’s not true. Why would you even say something like that?” Alec’s soldiery façade began to slip, as quiet sadness lined his tone. “I just...I thought you were safe. I wanted to keep you safe. After the last time...with Jace and the Soul Sword...I...Magnus, I couldn’t risk losing you again—”
This time, Magnus interrupted Alec’s response with a burst of red magic, causing a vase near Alec’s waist to splinter into several pieces.
“I begged you for my life! I begged you...I begged you...” Magnus’ still shaking hand comes back to rest against his side. “Why did nothing convince you? Not our kiss on the terrace, not the Omamori...”
“I’m sorry.” Alec’s words came out broken and weak. He then took a few, silent steps towards Magnus, as he steadily reached out for Magnus’ palms. “Magnus, I’m so sorry—”
“Don’t. Don’t touch me.” Magnus moved his hands away from Alec’s own—
And that’s when Alec could feel a waiting sob forming deep in his chest. “How can I fix it? Please. Tell me how to fix it. I’ll do anything. Magnus, please.”
“Let’s start by being honest with each other.” Magnus’ eyes had shifted from their glamoured brown, into their natural, burning gold. “If it were Jace who was begging you for his life, would you have listened? Would you have hesitated to leave the room, before Imogen held a blade up to my neck?”
“Magnus, that’s not a fair question. If something was wrong with Jace, I’d be able to feel it, through our bond. Valentine’s trick wouldn’t have worked for nearly as long.”
“Fine. Then, I’ll ask it in a way that’s fair.” Magnus moved closer to Alec, until he was standing directly in front of him. “If there were ever a chance, no matter how small, no matter how infinitesimal, that one of your decisions could lead to Jace’s life coming to an end, would you take that chance? Would you ever leave him alone in the room with a murderer?”
“Magnus, I...that question is...” Alec hesitated to answer, with his eyes intermittently coming to a forceful close.
“Oh, for the love of The Angel! Just answer the question, Alexander! If it were Jace in that awful, holding cell, instead of me, would you have let him come as close to death as I just was?”
“If I were ever in a position, where one of my decisions could bring about the end of Jace’s life...” Alec slightly hesitated again, before bringing his hands behind his back. “Jace and I were both trained for the possibility of losing one another in battle. And if Jace’s life was sacrificed, for the sake of potentially stopping Valentine...it would be an unfortunate, yet noble end. But Magnus, with you...it’s different...”
Alec quickly averted his gaze away from Magnus, not wanting his boyfriend to see the pain in his expression. “If I...would’ve lost you today...because of something I did...I wouldn’t know how to live with myself. I couldn’t. I would’ve asked Imogen for her blade...and I would’ve joined you, in the afterlife.”
Alec’s subtle admission caused Magnus to freeze where he stood. “Alexander...you wouldn’t—”
“I would. Without a second thought.”
“Ah, well, it’s lovely to hear that I could potentially be the cause of two suicides. Most people are only lucky enough to get one person to end their life on their behalf.” Magnus attempted to shift the weight of the moment into something lighter, as he brought his palms up to Alec’s face. “But please, Alexander. Never say anything like that, ever again. As terrified as I was when Imogen was about to end my life...there’s something more horrifying about the thought of yours ending, too.”
Magnus offered Alec a barely-there smile—
And Alec, unyielding and desperate, pulled Magnus into his arms. “I’m sorry, Magnus. I’m sorry for ever saying it. But you asked me to be—”
“Honest. I...I know.” Magnus winced at the thought of his previous demand. “Thank you for being honest with me, Alexander. No matter how...grim.”
“I just wanted to fix it...” Alec lightly sniffled against Magnus’ shoulder. “Magnus. Please. Just. Please. Don’t go.”
“I’m not going anywhere, Alexander...well...I guess that’s really up to Imogen and her trusty blade—”
“Magnus.” Alec held onto Magnus even tighter. “Too soon. Way, way too soon.”
“My apologies...” Magnus’ response trailed off between them. “But...Alexander...if you really want to fix it...I’m not certain there’s anything either of us can do besides...wait it out. And I know that’s offensive to your Shadowhunter sensibilities, but I find that the slow passing of time is ironically the fastest way to forgive each other of our sins.”
“Okay...” Alec finally pulled away from Magnus, as he now stared down into his eyes, which were back to their usual, glamoured brown. “Does that mean...you want me to leave...or—”
“No.” Magnus playfully kissed the bottom of Alec’s chin. “It just means that when I request we get takeout from that Korean BBQ place, for the umpteenth time next week, you won’t complain as you happily share your plate of bulgogi.”
“No complaining. Only Korean BBQ. Got it.” Alec softly laughed, grateful for the normalcy that seemed to be returning. “I love you, Magnus.”
“I love you, too, Alexander. I love you, too.” Magnus once again leaned in for a kiss to Alec’s chin—
But Alec slightly bent to intercept it, the kiss now changed into one that was being pressed against Alec’s lips...
And maybe it was the pleasure, maybe it was the overwhelming sense of joy that filled Magnus whenever he kissed his Shadowhunter, maybe it was the threat of him being happy in Alec’s arms...
But memories from the Agony Rune soon flooded Magnus’ mind, stealing any possibility of love or peace or joy before Magnus could even grasp for it.
He broke away from their kiss, as images of his mother’s dead body, slumped across her bed, flashed behind his eyelids. Once Magnus had thought that the ghastly images were through tormenting his soul, he then envisioned that his mother’s body had been replaced by Alec’s own, his throat cleanly sliced, Imogen’s blade still resting in his hand...
“Magnus? Magnus, what’s wrong?” Alec whispered the question down towards him, while his hands rested on Magnus’ waist.
“...Nothing.” Magnus’ lie came out casual and light. “Nothing at all, Alexander. Nothing at all.”