Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

From a young age she knew that holding onto hope was a foolish thing to do because everything she ever dreamed of would never last. It did, for a time, when she had wished to find warmth in her new family. Although Lillian was cold towards her, Lionel and Lex never failed to make her feel loved—Lex in particular. He was the light that guided her in the darkness and the rock that kept her grounded, the only reason that home was home…until Superman made his presence known and somehow awoken the monster that lurked within Lex.

It pained her to see her brother spiral into insanity and claim that every hurtful action he took was for the greater good. Small sacrifices that needed to be made, he would say, when she brought up the lives lost in one of the many fights he picked with Superman. She had struggled so hard trying to bring him back, but each and every effort only served to fuel his twisted passion into an unstoppable wild fire. It was then that she knew a choice needed to be made—one between the love for her brother and the rest of the world.

She chose the latter, but it didn’t stop the world from hating her because of the name she carried.

For a long time she resented everyone who held a negative view of her. If she were to be conceited any one of them could have lost their life in another of Lex’s schemes, if not for her betraying the only person she loved. However, she was proud of her name and what it meant (before Lex changed everything), so she became determined to show the world that she could be good, that she was good. Though it wasn’t a feat that could be accomplished any time soon, she would persevere and continue to slowly chip away their hatred until she breathed her last breath.

Taking over L-Corp wasn’t hard; the hard part was how to change it into a force for good. It didn’t help when Lex’s old friend, Clark Kent, came to question her about the venture explosion where she had been ‘coincidently’ absent from despite scheduled to be there. Even though they weren’t close they were (or had been, at this point) on friendly terms, but the way he looked at her now just showed that he was holding doubts about her, his watchful eyes seemed to be waiting for the moment she turned into another Lex.

“I’m just a woman trying to make a name for herself outside of her family, can you understand that?” she said to him, trying hard not to let her gaze falter.

“Yes.”

It was that answer that reminded her of the woman who came with Clark—Kara Danvers. She was surprised she even spoke at all, and briefly wondered what she went through, or has been going through for her to agree to a Luthor. Regardless of what the situation was, as a show of goodwill she gave Clark the drive containing information he needed for his investigation.

“Give me a chance, Mr. Kent. I’m here for a fresh start, let me have one,” she almost begged, disappointed in herself for the way she held onto hope, hoping that Clark would still see her as she was. What she got in return was a smile that didn’t reach his eyes and a cool farewell that didn’t even acknowledge her.

.

The next day Kara was walking by her side, both on their way to the renaming ceremony at the main plaza.

“You’re taking an awful risk, going ahead with the renaming ceremony with your life in danger,” the blonde said with a frown, her hands tucked in the pockets of her coat as they headed to their destination.

“I won’t have a life if I can’t make this company into something positive,” she replied honestly. “All I’ll be remembered for is Lex’s madness.”

She had anticipated her brother’s attack but she didn’t expect a woman with auburn hair to suddenly show up and fight the man who pulled a gun on her, inadvertently saving her. When Supergirl showed up and hesitated the moment the woman was held hostage, she knew she had to do something so she shot the man straight through his stomach.

It was her first time shooting a living target.

Even though she wasn’t properly thanked she saw the surprise in Supergirl’s eyes, with a hint of gratitude shining through. At that moment she knew the attack became the turning point of her life—and it was. Slowly she found herself not afraid to hope, to reach out. Clark changed his opinion about her and even apologized for misjudging her, but more than that she had found a friend in Kara. Throughout the many events that happened, Kara proved herself more than once to be the best friend anyone could ever ask for—even if she was concealing her true identity as Supergirl.

There wasn’t a reason for Kara to tell her, she mused, since she had known from the beginning it didn’t make a big difference. Everyone had a secret of their own, a chapter of their life they didn’t want to read out to other people and she respected that. Trust was hard to obtain, even more so than love. She couldn’t ask Kara to trust her with her secret just because they were friends. She was fine with it as long as Kara believed in her.

Still, the day finally arrived. She admitted that a voice her head told her day and night that Kara would come to distrust her and she shouldn’t be surprised, yet it still stung—the way the blonde acted out when she heeded advice and brought her the synthetic Kryptonite she created to keep Reign under control. She’d never forget those icy blue eyes that burned with anger, not any time soon. And here she thought she’d be grateful.

“Do you know what it’s like, to walk into a room and your skin feels like it’s going to be seared off your bones? Or like nails, are running through your blood? That’s what Kryptonite feels like!”

No, she’d never know how Kryptonite feels, but there was one thing she knew. “I don’t know, it sounds like exactly what you need to subdue Reign.”

Supergirl took the case of synthetic Kryptonite and left in fury. Why couldn’t she understand that everything she had done was to help their mutual friend, Sam? Did she think she liked using Kryptonite, or even making it? It infuriated her, that all it took was Kryptonite to wipe their slate clean, the many times they helped each other forgotten.

So when Supergirl expressed her hatred of secrets in the Dark Valley, she almost scoffed at the hypocrisy. “Good, then what’s your real name?”

As expected, the Girl of Steel faltered at her question, but what she said next completely surprised her. “That’s not a great question for a Luthor to ask someone in my family,” she replied coldly.

She thought they both wanted to walk out the shadows of their family and be their own woman, and now of all times she chooses to use her family name against her? Did her answer imply that anyone who wasn’t a Luthor could ask and she’d tell them? She stared at her, eyes steeled and unwavering. “You have secrets; I can get onboard with that. I have secrets too.”

After a short while they managed to reach Sam and have her gain brief control of Reign in order to send out the signal for them to track. She had stayed behind to assist Brainiac, and later when Supergirl and the others returned from the front the blonde seemed to she have a change of heart and offered her what seemed like an apology. They shook on it, and she was only glad to leave it behind. However, it soon came to her attention that Supergirl had someone break into her lab and search her private vault for remaining Kryptonite.

She didn’t expect the news to bring her despair, greater than the time she realized she lost her brother for good. They had become friends for two years and sure, it wasn’t a long time but she thought they had long since established the fact that she would never harm Supergirl or any one of their allies for the matter. Earlier on she just chalked Supergirl’s behavior as a momentary lapse of judgement due to her fear of the lethal substance, as she had called it, yet now? She was reduced to being a Luthor, nothing more.

Her first reaction was to blame herself. She shouldn’t have hoped, shouldn’t have let down her walls and disregard the notion that a Super and a Luthor would never work out. Foolishly she tried to challenge the odds, thinking that it would be okay now that she had friends to rely on, but she came to a realization that she had no one to begin with. Everyone except for Sam was probably friends with her only because Supergirl trusted her. Now that she didn’t, it was all but an illusion.

When Supergirl and Mon-El brought Reign back to the lab, she apologized to her again. “I owe you an apology, being so hard on you…without your Kryptonite we wouldn’t have stopped her. You just have to understand when it’s Kryptonite, to me it’s more than a gun or any of the dangers you were talking about…it’s personal.”

She wanted to roll her eyes at the way she used personal. As long as it didn’t put her at disadvantage she would be fine with anything? She decided later that a visiting Ruby might do her some good, maybe even cheer her up a little bit. Unbeknownst to her, Kara Danvers was in the elevator she wanted to board. The different look and civilian clothes helped her for a brief moment, to forget that Kara Danvers and Supergirl were one and the same. Somewhere deep inside her, there was a spark of hope that Kara, the supposedly human side of Supergirl, would see her as the same. It was a silly idea, seeing that she wasn’t like Sam and Reign, two completely separate personalities. Yet, she held on to it.

They hugged and she relished in her warmth before letting go. When Kara brought up Supergirl in conversation it was obvious that she was gauging her reaction at the whole situation, so she straight out told her that she knew what happened. “Supergirl went behind my back and used my personal relationship against me, that’s something my mother would do. She crossed a line. I can never trust her again.”

Thinking it was perhaps, too harsh a statement, she quickly brought up the bag full of ice cream and tried to ease some of the tension with it. Clearly it didn’t work, judging by the crinkle between Kara’s brows and the way she absentmindedly answered her. Relief flooded her when they finally reached the floor, and she walked out quickly without waiting for Kara.

.

The moment she had turned on the reflective scatter field to block Reign, she knew it was the wrong move. Supergirl immediately questioned why it wasn’t brought to her attention, and frankly she was just tired of her acting like that. Everything she had done was purely for her own benefit and Sam’s; she merely did what had to be done—and not once was Supergirl factored into the equation. Reign just happened to be Kryptonian so she had no other choice but to use these weapons (as Supergirl had so kindly called them earlier) to contain her. Had Reign been another species of alien, would Supergirl still act as angry as she did now?

When Mon-El and Winn left for the DEO she had just returned to the lab. Supergirl stood there in her signature pose, hands on her hips, and gave her a stiff smile while raising both brows in a silent greeting. She simply returned the gesture (almost adding an eye roll) and walked past her to continue with her work. While she made a comment about not being closer to finding a cure for Sam she felt Supergirl’s gaze on her back. When another apology tumbled out of the heroine’s lips, she turned around to face the blonde.

“I don’t, I don’t like this tension between us, Lena, and I know it’s my fault. I know James told you what I asked him to do and…look, I feel terrible about it, I made a huge mistake and I’m sorry.”

For a brief moment she wondered if Kara forgot she was Supergirl right now. Maybe she was just slipping between the two personas because she truly wanted her friend back and was willing to bend her rules to do so. “Well, it’s easy to admit your mistake when you’ve been exposed.”

“Fair,” Supergirl answered with a slight smile. “I just don’t want one mistake to ruin our friendship, that’s all,” she continued as she made a step forward.

How was it just one mistake? The link between them had been slowly severed each time she doubted her, and telling James to search her vault was the finishing blow. “It won’t.”

“Good,” she said, nodding her head in relief.

“We don’t have a friendship, Supergirl.” Kara’s face fell as soon as she heard those words, but it was true. The one she had a friendship with was Kara Danvers, not Supergirl. “All this time we’ve been working together it’s been about work. We’ve a mission to complete, and I am not about to let any tension between you and I get in the way of that…are you?”

“Of course not,” Supergirl replied, but she was already walking past her, wanting to leave. “I…I just hope um, when we solve this we can work to rebuilding our trust,” the Super tried again, and that made her turn around.

“Why is it so important to you that we’re friends? I have friends, Supergirl, friends that don’t scheme behind my back or lie. Given my family history they know how painful that would be. They also know I would never enter into a friendship with anyone who’s already breeched that trust.”

There was a brief delay in her response. “Understood.”

She watched as Supergirl turned her back on her and slowly walked away. With each step the blonde took she became increasingly bitter, infuriated at the fact she hadn’t argued back. Picking up the nearest object by hand (which happened to be a harmless pen) she threw it at Supergirl’s head, and the slight impact made her turn around in confusion. Eying the pen on the floor, she looked like she couldn’t believe she had thrown something at her.

“Is that it? You’re just going to leave like that?” she asked, voice rising as she narrowed her eyes, green eyes flashing with anger. “After everything we’ve been through and how we are at this point—why can’t you just be honest with me and say it? Tell me that I’m wrong, that you were already my friend to begin with! Stay, and tell me the truth so we can stop lying to both of ourselves!”

Supergirl’s eyes went wide and her mouth hung open in shock, most likely towards her uncharacteristic outburst and the fact that she knew. “Lena, I—”

“I’m going to ask you one last time—what is your real name?”

Chapter Text

Lena gave her an ultimatum. She had to, knowing that if this went on any longer she’d surely break in the end. She was certain she would gradually cease contact with Kara Danvers, because every time she looked into her eyes she saw Supergirl doubting her every actions. She would spiral into a deep abyss and perhaps into the same madness as Lex, due to the fact that she would have nothing to lose—not anymore. It was always easier to inflict pain rather than receiving it, and knowing herself she would return the pain she felt in ten folds or more, no matter who it was.

The blonde glanced down and raised a hand to ghost over the sigil on her chest, letting it rest there for a moment before dropping it back in place. She then took a deep breath as though she was gathering the courage to speak, and she did. “My name is Kara Zor-El,” she said aloud as she steadied her gaze on Lena. “But to the rest of the world, I am Kara Danvers.”

“Kara Zor-El…” Lena echoed softly under her breath. It wasn’t meant to be heard, though when Kara’s lips curled into a smile she knew that the Super heard it anyways.

“It sounds nice coming from you,” she said as she wrung her hands together for a brief moment. “No one’s said my name in years. I haven’t either, not since telling the Danvers and Kal.”

The CEO wasn’t sure what to say now that she had received the answer she’d been waiting for. She thought the truth would patch their relationship like a magical band aid and they’d continue interacting as they always did, but it wasn’t like that at all. Lena knew who Supergirl and Kara Danvers were, one brave and selfless, the other loyal and kind…but who was Kara Zor-El? Was she simply just the two put together, or was she someone entirely different? It was then that she realized this was the start of a new relationship, hopefully a long lasting one.

“Kal is Clark’s Kryptonian name?”

“It’s actually short for Kal-El,” she replied with a smile, but there as a distant look in her eyes, “though to him, his given name might as well be Clark. Sometimes it’s not easy seeing him because I’m reminded of my aunt and uncle, and everything I should have taught him about Krypton...”

“Everything you should have taught him?” Lena echoed, confused. Clark was older than Kara…wasn’t he?

“Oh, I guess you wouldn’t have known about that part,” the blonde murmured as she scratched the back of her head. “Kal was only an infant when we left Krypton. We were supposed to arrive on Earth together but my pod got knocked off course and into the Phantom Zone, where time doesn’t pass. I was there for twenty four years, I believe.”

Green eyes stared in shock, but Kara only shrugged. “On papers I’m twenty eight but if I landed on Earth with Kal I’d be fifty two.  When everyone sees Superman they see someone strong and handsome, but when I see him? I always see a dumb looking baby with the worst smelling poop in the whole universe.”

Lena couldn’t help but let out a laugh and the Super cracked a smile at her reaction. “I can’t imagine him being an ugly duckling,” she confessed. She’d always imagined Kara as a beautiful baby—well, as beautiful as babies could be when they weren’t crying for attention. Surely her cousin wasn’t that bad?

“Alright, he wasn’t that bad looking. He was adorable when he played nice and I always felt happy when I made him laugh. I loved him so much—I still do, in a way, but…” Kara trailed off and there was that look in her eyes again, one full of sorrow and regret. “I missed all those years with him, and it was hard to understand that the little cousin I adored so much became a complete stranger to me.”

It was hard talking to Kara Zor-El, because Lena couldn’t find the right words to say. She knew too little of her past and she wasn’t able to connect with her on an emotional level at all. She couldn’t possibly know what if felt like to be stuck in time for two dozen years, much less have everything you’ve ever known taken away. Obviously the Luthor knew what loss felt like but Kara had arrived on a foreign planet with nothing and no one to lean on, and that was an entirely different feeling—it couldn’t have been easy.

Kara noticed the lack of response and gave her a bright smile, though Lena knew it was forced. “Sorry, you just wanted to know if Kal was really a grumpy looking baby but I went on a tangent and talked about myself...”

“No!” she blurted out, mentally wincing at the outburst. “I mean, you don’t have to apologize, I want to hear about your past—about you. I wasn’t able to respond because I realized I barely know you…Kara Danvers and Supergirl feel like the tip of the ice berg to who you really are.”

“You…want to know me?” The blonde asked timidly, with a hint of disbelief. “Why? After everything I did and how I acted?”

“It’s because you chose to be honest with me this time,” Lena answered truthfully. “I won’t deny that I was furious, if I had super strength like you I would have beat you to the ground,” she smirked when Kara visibly shuddered, “but physical violence isn’t the way I handle things. I also don’t want to guilt trip you into doing everything I say so that you’ll feel like you’re being forgiven, that’s not how this is going to work if we want to rebuild trust between us. I think getting to know the real you is a good start to that.”

“Is there really nothing I can do though?” Kara questioned tentatively.

“You really think you can fast track your way back into my good books?” she questioned with an arched brow. “Despite being lied to one way or another for my entire life nothing hurt more than what you did. It takes time to recover from being betrayed by a person you thought you could rely on wholeheartedly…surely you understand?”

Kara heaved a sigh. “I do…Kal wanted me to live a normal life like he did so he left me with the Danvers, but he didn’t realize that I would never feel the sense of normalcy as he did. He grew up with the Kents as a human while I had to make that instant switch to adapt to Earth…I felt lost and abandoned because he was the only piece of Krypton I had left. It still hurts when I think about it, and it’s been fifteen years.”

“…it’s hard being someone you’re not, isn’t it?” Lena asked softly. Even though everyone was capable of change some parts just never did.

“It’s conflicting to say the least,” she replied with a light chuckle. “There are still times where I wish I could be either Supergirl or Kara Danvers, instead of being both. If I was just Supergirl there’d be nothing to hide, nor would I have to come up with stupid excuses to leave a conversation just so I could go save the world!”

“And if you were Kara Danvers?”

There was a slight shift, and all the sudden Kara seemed nervous. “I’d, uh, be able to spend more time with the per—” she clamped a hand over her mouth before quickly retracting it, “I mean, the people I like.”

Something about her words unsettled Lena, perhaps it was fact that she changed ‘person’ to ‘people’. It’s not like Kara had to be honest with her about her relationships but there wasn’t any reason to hide it either. “Kara, it’s okay if you have a crush on someone. You don’t have to tell me who, but I’m not going to tease you about it if you do. That’s more like Alex’s job anyways.”

The blonde glued her eyes to the floor and mumbled. Lena rolled her eyes and walked closer until Kara was within arm’s reach. “Not all of us have super hearing you know?”

It surprised her when Kara jumped at the sound of her voice; she even floated for a few seconds before landing back on the floor with a flustered look on her face. The Luthor arched a brow. “Really? What’s got you so preoccupied that you didn’t even notice me walking closer? And do repeat what you just mumbled, I didn’t hear a thing.”

“I just…I screwed up big time, okay? It’s not worth talking about because I don’t think it’ll work out.”

“Oh. Well I’m sure whatever you did couldn’t be worse than what happened between us, right? Seeing that we’re still talking, I’d say you have a chance to get it right with your crush.”

Apparently it was the wrong thing to say because a glum look was all that Kara gave her. “Alex got worried because I didn’t fight her for the last potsticker.” She let out a groan and covered her face with her hands. “She acted like it was the end of the world and almost ran me to the DEO for a full checkup,” she muttered.

Kara giving up food? It certainly sounded like the end of the world. “Whoever it is, they must be extremely important to you.” Lena hid a grimace at the obvious statement she made.

The Super lifted her face from her palms and ran both hands through her hair before dropping them back to her side. “You’re familiar with The Little Mermaid, right?”

“Yes.” Lena was well aware of the original version by Hans Christian Andersen, as well as the Disney classic (thanks to her visits to the Children’s Hospital).

“You know how Ariel wanted to become human for Eric? That’s how I feel. I certainly look the part but it’s not enough…whenever I spend time with that person I want to be a normal, dorky girl with average strength, average hearing, and less than average vision. I want to give the person the tightest hug without breaking their bones, and listen to them talk my ears off about science that I don’t consider archaic because I wouldn’t even know the difference! I want— I want so much more than that, to the point I become scared of who I am, what I’m not—”

The blonde paused and clenched her fists tightly. Science, that was a clue, but more importantly Lena envied the person Kara liked. The Super had likened herself to Ariel and that meant she would willingly trade away a part of her (presumably her powers) in exchange for a human identity. In a sense that meant she would trade the potential lives she could be saving for just one person in the world, and that was something she never thought Kara would consider.

“Do they know who you are?”

It took a moment for Kara to react. “Oh yes, she certainly—” Kara froze for a second, and Lena wondered if she was going to try and pretend that she was supposed to say ‘he’ instead. “She does,” she simply said, and the Luthor filed away questions regarding Krypton’s outlook on sexuality for later.

“Then why do you want to be human? Lois loves Clark and accepts all of him, there’s no doubt someone out there can love you the same. You shouldn’t let your thoughts get in the way of your own happiness, Kara, and you shouldn’t settle for anyone who makes you wish you were anything other than yourself.”

The blonde mulled over her words. “Being human is just an easy way out,” Kara said with a faint smile. “If I were human…if we were both simple people living an ordinary life then our relationship wouldn’t be so delicate, so easily broken by who we are. But then again we probably wouldn’t have met, and I don’t know which one is worse—to live in a world without a chance to love her, or to live in a world where I could instantly lose her.”

Lena pursed her lips in thought. “I think you should just go for it rather than dwelling on the differences between the two of you and the rifts that it might cause. It’s all about taking chances, isn’t it? Maybe you should start with small gestures to let her know you appreciate her and want to have her in your life, or you could tell her how you feel so you don’t prolong your agony over the issue?”

Lena wondered if she somehow overstepped her boundaries when Kara remained silent. Maybe the Luthor was the last one she’d seek relationship advice from, given the fact that she wasn’t able to stay in one for long—and that was before Lex went crazy.

“I love you.”

She blinked, thinking that she misheard. “What did you say?”

“I love you, Lena, and I’m sorry.”

Chapter Text

Lena silently thanked the universe for its precise timing.

Supergirl had been called away to the DEO so they never finished their conversation, which was a good thing because Lena’s mind could barely function after hearing those words. The Luthor snapped back to reality when she heard a loud crash come from Reign’s makeshift prison, indicating that the Worldkiller had awoken and was obviously angry that she was back here in the lab. Lena pushed away all thoughts regarding Kara and focused her energy on something she knew she could solve, which was saving Sam.

After Reign’s defeat, Lena cited Sam’s leave from L-Corp as a reason to delegate leadership of CatCo back to James. She buried her head in work, quickly falling back into the workaholic habits she used to have before she had…someone to spend time with. Work asides the days had been unreasonably peaceful, which was something she wasn’t used to at all. The board members didn’t cause much of a fuss as they used to, there had been fewer attempts on her life, and the media seemed to have run out of bad things to say about her. Instead of being able to relax the entire situation only served to put her on an edge because she couldn’t help but think of it as the calm before the storm—she was sure something was bound to happen.

And it did. The storm she was waiting for came in the form of Kara Zor-El.

When Lena heard a gently thud coming from the balcony behind her she didn’t turn around. She swiveled her chair when the caped hero didn’t come straight into her office like she had expected, and saw that Kara was standing at the doorway waiting for Lena‘s permission to enter.

“If you really wanted my permission then you wouldn’t have come without telling me first,” the Luthor stated simply.

“I figured there’d be a bigger chance of us talking if I showed up unannounced.”

Snippets of their last conversation popped up in Lena’s mind, and she quickly chased them away. “Why are you here?”

“I…I told you to call me whenever you’re ready to talk. I know I should have waited for you but it’s been five months already.”

Lena stared at her. “To be honest I don’t remember you saying that. My mind went blank after you…confessed.”

The CEO had to admit that the idea of romance never crossed her mind, not since Lex was sentenced to thirty two consecutive life sentences because who wanted to be associated with a Luthor? Sure she was pretty and witty and bright but no one cared about those aspects of her anymore, all they cared about was her last name. To have anyone confess their feelings for her would be surprising to say the least and it was downright shocking when Kara told her she loved her.

“I couldn’t understand,” Lena whispered, “I still can’t understand how the best thing that’s ever happened to me since I came here is also the worst thing that’s happened. You were the only one I could truly depend on, yet you went behind my back because I had Kryptonite. How can you claim to love me when you were the one who hurt me the most? How could you possibly say something like that when I had just decided to be your friend again? I don’t know what you expect to hear from me, Kara. If you came here thinking that everything would be fine then you’re wrong.”

The Kryptonian gave her a faint smile. “I’d be naïve to think there’d be good news waiting for me. The truth is I came here knowing that I’d be rejected. I came to hear you say those words, but more than anything I just—I just wanted to see you.”

Lena gripped tightly onto the arms of her chair as anger began to rise. The audacity she had, to mess with her mind with a confession and cause all this? “Then why did you even say it in the first place?”

“Because you were right—I’m not all truth and justice as I appear to be. I thought I could be like Kal, strong, brave and selfless. I tried to be him, I tried so hard but that’s not who I am. With Krypton gone all the knowledge I’ve learned, everything I was meant to be and even my name—they meant nothing anymore—I was nothing. The only way I could validate my existence on Earth was to be Supergirl…and that’s what I did. I could have just stopped after I saved Alex but I chose to continue. I prioritized myself over the safety of the Danvers and everyone else I knew, who’d possible be in danger because of me.

I’m selfish, Lena, that’s all there is to me. I asked James to check your vaults for Kryptonite because I’m absolutely terrified of it. I tried to repair our friendship when you found out because I still need you in my life. I dumped my feelings on you because I couldn’t keep it in anymore…and now I’m here, asking you to say no so I can close a chapter that I started.”

The Luthor stood abruptly, the sudden momentum causing her chair to wheel away. “What’s going to happen after I say no?” she gritted out, eyes ablaze with anger as they narrowed in on the Super. “Are you going to put on a forlorn look with your eyes full of regret whenever you see me? So that one day I’ll feel guilty enough to forgive you? Are you just going to pretend that you’re still the only one in the world who believes me, and out of fear of being alone I’ll eventually choose you? Or will you simply move on, leaving me with the knowledge that my decision drove away the only person who’s loved me?

How can you do this to me? How can you just throw everything on me and make it my choice when there’s none? I can’t say yes because I don’t know if I’m capable of loving you after all you’ve done, and I can’t say no because then I’d be giving you what you want! The only thing I can do is to not answer you, but then this will be on my mind for years to come! I—what are you trying to do, Kara? How is this love?”

“I don’t know, okay?” Kara shouted with exasperation. “I don’t know what love is! On Krypton it was different, and here on Earth? I’m the one who unknowingly friend-zones people because I think they’re just being nice! I’m the one that misinterprets every cue and flirtatious words, they slip by unnoticed and people get mad at me for leading them on! All I can do is tell you, that what I feel for you is different from what I feel for Alex or Winn or anyone else! I know what I did to you is despicable and unforgivable, and I know it doesn’t go hand in hand with the ideal love or any relationship for the matter but I—that’s all I have…that’s all I can give.”

Kara exhaled harshly, her cape fluttering behind her as she whirled around to stare at the city below. “Don’t you think I want to figure this out too?” she uttered quietly.

Lena scoffed. “How can you not know? What was it that you had with Mon-El then?”

“At that time I wanted to be loved and to be in love,” the blonde spoke after a moment of silence, her voice trembling slightly. “I feel a resemblance of home when I’m with Alex but that’s not enough, it’ll never be. I wanted to experience the love that other people had, I wanted a place to belong and someone to go home to. Mon-El showed up and logic told me that a fellow alien was a better choice than any human so I tried, I did, and he was a near perfect match despite our contrasting ideals—he was someone who wouldn’t break under my touch, who could understand the alien side of me and shared a similar life span—but something was always missing. Always.”

The CEO began to regret snapping at Kara. In a way she understood what she meant when she thought about her late ex, Jack. Being with Jack had been fun but it never felt completely right. Despite the fact that they were in public relationship they acted as friends who sometimes toed over the line rather than lovers.

“Is that how you knew? Because you felt what was missing?” she asked softly. “When did you know you loved me?”

“I love every minute with you since we first met, but I didn’t realize until everything started falling apart,” the Kryptonian admitted with a mirthless laugh. “When we found out Reign was in your lab I felt that it was the first time we were opposite one another, and it kind of forced me to look at you from a different perspective. Even after we started working together I still felt lost…I felt torn. I didn’t know why I blew up at you every time you were trying to be civil, or why I felt so much of everything—anger, hurt, even sadness— I was scared of the emotions I had that overwhelmed me every moment I was with you, and along the way I just kept messing up.”

Kara turned to cast the CEO a glance before returning her focus on the bright city lights. “I knew that I loved you when we were in the Dark Valley, when Reign took over Sam and held you up, her hand crushing against your windpipe—” she paused and swallowed thickly. “At that moment everything made sense, like the fog was suddenly lifted from my mind, and I knew I would do anything for you just to see you safe. At that time I had already asked James to check your vaults so I was figuring out how to apologize to you and come clean about it, including the fact that I was Supergirl…”

The Super sighed heavily. “I honestly didn’t expect that he’d be the first to tell you. I got mad at him and then myself, because I promised to always be with you and protect you yet I was the one who deserted you…later when I saw your reflective scatter field I felt even more agitated and ended up taking it out on you, which I never should have done. And well, the rest is history.”

Lena swallowed thickly. “Sometimes I can’t help but think all this,” she gestured helplessly at the space between the two of them, “is entirely my fault. I should have told you about Sam right from the beginning, we should have helped her together from the start—”

“Lena!” the blonde cut in hastily as she quickly turned to face her. “Why would you say that? You’re not responsible for my actions or how I treated you!”

“But if I told you then none of this would have happened! You would have known about the Kryptonite and our friendship wouldn’t have deteriorated—no matter what the circumstances were, I harbored a dangerous criminal in my lab for three weeks! What right do I have to be mad at you when I was the one who gave you a reason to mistrust me in the first place?”

Lena clenched her fists tightly. “I can’t believe I thought I was doing the right thing…all this time I was just reaping what I sowed, wasn’t I? I was mad at you because I thought you threw trust out the window all because of Kryptonite, regardless of how many times I helped you…but in reality I was doing the same. You had my back so many times yet I kept such a big secret from you…”

“It’s not like that! I did more wrongs than you did! I was too selfish and acted petty about the whole situation!”

The Luthor ignored her and headed towards her liquor cabinet. She normally didn’t rely on alcohol as a form of emotional outlet (except for that time with Morgan Edge she supposed), but right now she really needed a drink to get through the night. She was about to pour herself a whiskey when Kara appeared beside her, one hand gently but firmly clasping around her wrist and stopping her.

“Just one, Kara,” she heaved with a sigh. “I need it.”

The Kryptonian gripped a little tighter. “No, you don’t.”

“Are you forgetting I have a high tolerance for alcohol?”

“That’s what Alex says too…but she always drinks herself stupid when she’s sad.”

“…I’m not Alex,” she said softly when she noticed the conflict in Kara’s eyes and the crinkle between her brows. “I won’t do that, I never do. Trust me.”

Lena stiffened slightly when the last two words slipped out of her mouth. It was something she had said out of reflex, but considering the situation between the two of them it seemed like a tactless choice of word.

Kara only gave her a small smile before releasing her grip. “Just one,” she echoed with a nod before walking away.

The Luthor added some ice into her glass and poured herself a finger, less than what she originally planned for. Heading towards the sofa she saw the Kryptonian standing in the middle of her office albeit awkwardly, as though she wasn’t sure whether she should go back out to the balcony or continue standing here in a space she didn’t really belong in.

“Have a seat, Kara.”

Kara shuffled over, pausing shortly in front of the coffee table before she opted to sit on the floor across from Lena.

“Really,” Lena said with an arched brow, huffing when the blonde, still seated in a cross legs position, floated up to eye level with her and hovered there.

“Is this better?”

“Just come over here—show off,” the CEO muttered when there was a rush of wind and Kara appeared on the far end of the sofa in an instant, even though it was a short distance.

Feeling that her cape was getting in the way of her and the sofa, Kara unclipped the offending fabric and began to fold it. “It feels nice to use my powers in front of you, like it’s…normal, you know?” she ended with a shy grin while putting her cape on the coffee table.

“You could have had the chance to use it every day if you offered courier or moving services instead of becoming a superhero…though people would probably hate you for stealing their jobs.”

Laughter bubbled out of Kara and the sound filled the hollowness Lena had been feeling for the past few months. It was then that she realized she missed spending time with the blonde.

“Maybe in another universe,” the Kryptonian replied when her laughter died down. “Honestly I’ve only ever thought of following Kal’s footsteps because other than it making myself useful, I thought it’d bring me closer to him. When Supergirl came to be Kara Danvers was still lost in the world…it wasn’t until I met you that I decided to become a reporter, so…” she looked at Lena and gave her a grin, “thank you.”

“There’s no need to thank me. As you said, it was your own decision.”

“Thank you,” Kara repeated, and Lena knew she should just accept it.

They lapsed into silence, a little awkwardness still in the air but more comfortable than before.

“When you laughed earlier, I realized I miss you,” Lena admitted. “I miss having brunch together, talking about silly things and just catching up on life in general…but mostly the times I tried to force you to eat kale,” she added to lighten the mood.

The Kryptonian gave her a tentative smile. “I really missed you too. If it’s not too much to ask…can we stay friends? I’ll try harder and I’ll be better, I—I don’t want to lose you.”

“Neither do I, Kara. I want to put our differences behind us and stop thinking for a while…right now I just want my friend back,” she replied with a soft chuckle while looking down into her glass of whiskey that had gone untouched. “I’d toast to new beginnings but you don’t have a drink.”

The Luthor considered going for a handshake as a sign of truce but she knew Kara was a hugger, and frankly she needed one. She set her glass on the table and stood up, Kara quickly following suit with confusion on her face. Lena opened her arms for a hug, arching a brow when the Super looked at her with hesitant eyes.

“I thought make up hugs were your thing? I guess we could always go for the official handshake if you want,” she said teasingly and made a show to drop her arms. She laughed quietly when Kara quickly engulfed her in a hug.

“Hugs are way much better,” the blonde murmured.

They stood there for a while, hugging each other for longer than necessary while basking in the new found peace they created. She knew that she should let go, that Kara wouldn’t do so until she did, yet she found it hard to extract herself from their embrace. Maybe in her heart she knew she would forgive Kara no matter what, despite the grief she had caused her.

The Kryptonian was the first to pull away. “I have to go,” she whispered softly, and with the blink of an eye the folded cape was now cascading down her back. “Lunch soon?”

“How about tomorrow?”

“Wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

Chapter Text

When Kara said she wouldn’t miss it for the world, she meant it quite literally.

“I told Alex and the DEO to handle things for the next two hours,” she announced when she walked into Lena’s office carrying bags of food.

The CEO glanced up from her papers and laughed, her green eyes sparkling with mirth. “I appreciate the thought but we both know you’ll fly away if they really need you, and I’d gladly let you go.”

Kara plopped herself on the sofa and swiftly laid out every take out container. “Technically I’m under no obligation to work for them.”

“You always do what’s right,” Lena replied with a knowing look, “for the most part anyways.”

Kara put a hand over her heart and gasped loudly at the jab. “Excuse me?”

“Too soon?”

“No,” the reporter grinned as she dropped her hand. “I’m happy…inexplicitly so.”

“Are you happy enough to eat kale?”

“Never!” she declared, scrunching her nose in the process. “Now stop slaving over your work and come eat!”

.

For the next few months Kara managed stay with Lena for the majority of the time whenever they were together. The CEO had a feeling Alex disapproved the fact that Supergirl was playing favorites and part of her agreed, but the other part of her couldn’t bring herself to care, thinking that the DEO had been working fine before the heroine’s appearance anyways.

“Kara, you can’t keep doing this forever,” she finally said one day when they were having a movie night at her penthouse.

The Kryptonian pouted, earning a smile from Lena. “This is why I hate Supergirl sometimes,” she muttered with her arms crossed as she tried to sink herself deeper into the sofa.

Lena turned to face Kara, letting her right arm drape over the back of the sofa as she adjusted her position. “I’ve been thinking I could help you. We could be like Lex and Superman when they first started out and let’s face it, I’d be way more helpful than the DEO.”

Kara laughed. “That you are.”

“I’m willing to work with the DEO if they can’t trust my intentions. Speaking of which, why haven’t I signed a NDA regarding Supergirl?”

“Umm, because I didn’t tell anyone you know?”

“Not even Alex?”

The Kryptonian shook her head. “She thinks I’m spending all this time with you because I…you know.”

“You can say it, Kara, I’m not going to run for the hills.”

“Because I like you.”

Lena smirked. “I’ve been demoted from love to like?”

Kara immediately sat up. “No! Alex thinks I’m just having a huge crush and being way too infatuated with you! I love you, I’m seriously in love with you like the humans say, god to honest in love! From your pretty green eyes to your full lips, strong jaw and little mole on your neck—basically everything about you! You’re beautiful and intelligent, I love your sense of humor even when it’s self-depreciating at times, you work towards making the world a better place and you also help save the environment which is a big plus because I don’t want to see another planet dying any time soon—”

The Luthor blushed at the compliments, and she was thankful that Kara didn’t point out the acceleration of her heartbeat. “Kara, Kara, I get your point.”

“I have a long list if you don’t? I can read it all out.”

Lena chuckled lightly. “I do too.” The blonde gave her a curious look that prompted her to continue. “I have a list of your qualities that I find endearing and good, it’s something I’ve been doing when I feel…down, I guess, about what happened.”

Bright blue eyes dimmed and the crinkle between her brows appeared. Lena reached out a hand and smoothed it with the pad of her thumb. “I think you’ll be happy to know that you being physically attractive is on the list—”

“R-Really?!” Kara exclaimed with a hopeful look.

“—but I know that doesn’t equate to having romantic feelings for you.”

The crinkle came back in full force, along with a pout.

“I have been thinking,” Lena said slowly, “but I can’t figure it out.”

Kara let out a silent ‘oh’. “Well like I said before I was slow to realize. When I arrived on Earth I had a hard time picking up romantic cues because on Krypton that kind of thing didn’t exist. We were paired by the matrix so we didn’t have to think nor choose, and it was more for creating a stronger House than anything else. Alex had to show me a lot of rom-coms so I could get the gist of how humans dated and what to look for…even with that many references it still took me forever because I was always looking for hints from others, I never really looked at myself and how I felt I guess,” she ended with a short laugh.

Lena’s lips curled into a smile. “Rom-coms aren’t the best learning material, you know.”

The Kryptonian scratched the back of her head and gave her a half grin. “I know, that’s why sometimes I just watch people.” Her cheeks flushed when the CEO smirked. “Not like that! I’m not a peeping tom and I don’t eavesdrop either! I just watch how couples interact with each other in a public setting!”

Kara groaned when Lena made a show of zipping her mouth shut, the smirk still present. “It’s not intentional! I mean, sometimes I do mistake uh, certain sounds as cries for help but that’s not the point! It’s not my fault humans invent weird ways of—can we not talk about it?”

“You’re the one talking, darling.”

Both of them froze when the endearment slipped from Lena’s lips.

“Was that—”

“I don’t know.”

Lena bit her lower lip and stared into her lap. She had always thought a flustered Kara was cute, which was a plus to her overall personality and made her even more adorable than she already was. Perhaps that’s why she let slip.

“…should I leave?” Kara asked gently.

“No, stay...can you just…talk?”

There was a moment of silence before the Kryptonian spoke. “Would it be easier if we didn’t talk? We can watch another movie if you’d like?” she replied with a small smile, and Lena found herself staring at those pink lips. “Lena?”

In truth, this wasn’t the first time she thought about kissing Kara. Ever since the blonde made her feelings known she couldn’t help but imagine what it would be like if they were in a relationship, but every time the imaginations occurred she’d push them away and chalk it up as curiosity rather than something she hoped for.

Lena knew what was stopping her. Fear. Fear that they could never get past the Super and Luthor barrier, fear that they might end up distrusting one another again, and fear that she would never recover from it and finally become the Luthor everyone was waiting for her to be—but right now her heart was telling her that this was the moment, the moment that she didn’t even know she was waiting for. Every fiber of her was just shouting at her to take a chance and just let everything go.

“Would it be wrong for me to kiss you?”

Kara looked startled at her question. “Would you think of it as me taking advantage over your feelings?” she pressed, “Using yours just so I can prove mine?”

“I think…” the blonde started as her eyes glanced briefly at Lena’s lips, “no matter what the reason is, I’d rather kiss you once than not kiss you at all.”

With that said the Luthor leaned in towards her and slid her hand up the nape of Kara’s neck, her fingers threading through luscious blonde locks before gently pulling her in. The Kryptonian stilled when Lena slowly but surely gave her a chaste kiss on the lips. When the Luthor pulled back she watched as Kara’s eyes fluttered open to reveal bright blue eyes full of bliss and adoration, the way the corner of her eyes crinkled as her lips turned upwards into a smile, her cheeks coloured as she blushed under the intensity of Lena’s gaze.

How could she not fall for Kara? How could she not, when she looked at her like she’d hung the stars across the sky? When the briefest touch of lips was enough for her to feel elated? How did she not know that she needed Kara, as much as Kara needed her?

Kara let out a surprised sound when Lena surged forward and kissed her again but this time she reciprocated. Lena could sense the urgency, the need and the want, yet she also felt the gentleness and fear from the way she controlled her strength with each kiss, along with fingertips that barely grazed her waist as hands hovered close.

The Luthor gave her a final kiss before pulling back. “I’ll work something out,” she declared softly.

“Huh?”

Lena laughed at the lack of words. “I mean I’ll work on something to help control your powers.”

Kara caught her gaze and smiled, though a bit hesitant. “So…what does this mean for us?”

“I’m willing to try,” she paused and cupped Kara’s cheek with one hand, “no, I want to try. I think that if I can learn to love you then I can probably learn to forgive you, and then trust you again.” Lena let out a chuckle. “I don’t even know if I’m making sense.”

Kara beamed at her. “It’s okay, we both don’t know what’s going on that’s why we have each other to lean on.”

Lena let out a content sigh as she laid her head on Kara’s shoulders, and they decided to watch another movie.

“I should go,” Kara whispered, voice full of lament, when they realized it was almost two in the morning.

“You can stay if you want,” Lena offered. “I want you to stay.”

The blonde gave her a grateful smile. “Oh, and by the way I’ll talk to Alex about letting you help out in the DEO,” she said, remembering their undiscussed plans.

“Make it clear that I’ll be there to help you only…or maybe we can go talk to her together when I sign those forms.”

“That’s a great idea! Though Alex will definitely chew me out on the fact that another person knows my secret identity.”

“Kara ‘I’m not a reporter’ Danvers walking into my office with Clark Kent? That was already an obvious clue. Why else would two people from different companies come in together for an interview when Daily Planet was the only one scheduled?”

“I admit I’m not the sneakiest person in the world…” Kara trailed off with a yawn. “Let’s go to the DEO tomorrow,” she said sleepily.

Lena agreed and soon both of them passed out in her bed.

.

Alex didn’t say anything when she handed Lena the NDA forms but the CEO caught her rolling her eyes at Kara with exasperation, no doubt because of all the extra paper work she had to do for unauthorized disclosure of the Super’s identity.

“I’m happy for you guys,” the Director spoke when Lena handed back the forms to her.

Lena glanced at Kara and was about to say something but the Kryptonian quickly protested, mistaking her glance as a look of disapproval. “I didn’t say anything!”

The Luthor slapped a hand on her forehead.

“You didn’t have to, you are proof itself,” Alex stated with a grin. “I could have meant that I’m happy you’re friends again.”

Kara pouted. “How would I know?”

They never discussed whether to label their relationship or not, but Lena had a feeling they both wanted to keep in under wraps for a while. “We’d prefer if no one else knows,” she said, looking at Kara for confirmation. The Kryptonian nodded and Alex merely smirked.

“Kara isn’t great at hiding things no matter what she says, so if anyone finds out they definitely didn’t hear it from me. Now tell me, who confessed first?”

Lena gestured at the Kryptonian and Alex looked at them incredulously. “Seriously? Kara was the one? I had my money on you, Luthor! I thought you were going to spell it out for her!”

The Super gasped loudly. “You bet on us?!”

“Call me oblivious, I was completely unaware of her feelings.”

“And people call you a genius,” Alex muttered.

Kara crossed her arms and huffed. “I hope you this teaches you to never bet on us again.”

Alex grinned. “If you stop eating pizza I’ll consider.”

“That’s impossible!”

“That’s why I said it.”

Lena smiled as the Danvers sisters continued to banter back and forth with each other. A part of her ached when she remembered Lex, how they used to have a bond so strong that Lena thought she could overcome anything with him by her side. She didn’t think it was possible but the emptiness he had left her was now slowly being replaced by Kara, and hopefully Alex plus the remaining Super-friends. Perhaps one day she’d find a place to call home amongst this makeshift family of hers—and maybe even a family of her own.