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“Hey, why don’t we kiss?”
The words just slipped out. Even though she’d been thinking them, thinking how nice and reassuring it would have been to feel him against her, warm and solid and real despite the fact that she was the one disappearing, she hadn’t meant to say anything. Still, the words hung in the air, lighter than they should have been but weighty all the same. A strange sort of anticipation crept into her chest. Though, aside from that one anxious notion, the calm that washed over her was surprising.
Mai had been asked before, by a guy she had been in a photoshoot with, if he could kiss her, and at the time, her cheeks flamed with heat and she’d vehemently rejected the boy, crossing her arms over her chest and stomping off. So, despite the fact that she had been the one to suggest it, Mai expected the same surge of heat and embarrassment to tighten her skin and make her lungs ache. It was strange that it didn’t come. She’d only know Sakuta for a few days, yet his presence made her feel more comfortable in her own skin than she had in a long time. It wasn’t supposed to be like that, but she couldn’t say she disliked. In fact, it was rather nice.
“Mai-san, are you frustrated?” Sakuta asked without hardly turning his head. And yet, while most would have been mocking or overstepping bounds with that statement, there was little in the words besides a mild curiosity that may have wavered towards concern.
The anticipation Mai felt slowly rising cracked and faltered, but Sakuta’s words somehow set her at ease. They bordered on insensitive and intrusive, but she found that she didn’t care. Things seemed less bothersome around him, yet she couldn’t quite put a finger on why. He didn’t do or say anything special, but he managed to diffuse all sorts of tension with that almost apathetic attitude. Even in the cramped bed, pressed too close and yet too far from the heat of his skin, Mai felt the strain and stiffness she carried slowly draining away.
Though, there were things he couldn’t fix, worries he could assuage. “Idiot,” Mai replied, gaze still turned up to the old, grimy ceiling. There was no malice in her voice, but it seemed like the right thing to say anyway. It was easier than actually searching somewhere for an honest answer, and facing what that might have been. Besides, Sakuta didn’t need to know about the things he made her feel, the more greedy, tempted things lurking somewhere beneath the calm ease.
Turning over, Mai laid on her side, nose just a few inches from the wall. It felt too close, and a little claustrophobic, but she wouldn’t dare slide back, not with Sakuta right behind her. “Let’s go to sleep. Goodnight,” she murmured, eyes drifting shut.
Though, sleep seemed like a far off dream. Sure, the hotel room was quiet and calm, she was worn out from running from town to town, and the bed was actually fairly comfortable besides being small, but there was something stirring in her chest that would keep her awake. Fears and worries, desires and hopes. They all mingled together and tangled with each other into an almost melancholy sort of longing that she couldn’t pin down. But the pinning ache was there, whether she could explain it or not.
Anxieties bubbled up in her throat, forming words on her tongue that she didn’t want to say, didn’t want to admit to. Still, she couldn’t keep them down. And as she spoke, something started to sting at the back of her eyes and ache high in her throat.
“Hey, Sakuta,” Mai said quietly, though she knew she didn’t need to. She had his attention already and he wasn’t sleeping. Not yet. But it was easier to start that way, to try and clear away the emotion collecting in her throat with something simple, something light and ordinary.
He murmured something about going to sleep, but she didn’t even really hear it. The blood rushing in her ears was too loud and the whispering thoughts in her head had her preoccupied. Beyond her closed eyelids, the room seemed too dark all of a sudden, even with the dim glow of the lamp overhead, and Mai wondered if she turned around and opened her eyes if she would even see Sakuta at all, if he would really still be there. It was a strange worry, and a strange sensation, but it lurked somewhere deep and dark. She didn’t like it.
“If I started trembling and crying that I didn’t want to disappear, what would you do?” Mai asked, mirroring the things she felt and the things she wished she could do. It was surprisingly easy to make the words sound uncaring, like a fleeting whim. Yet, she felt like the truth radiated from her body in waves. The tension that had crept back over her, the weak but hopeful beating of her heart, the underlying sorrow that pulled her lips into a frown.
For a beat, a short, short moment that seemed more like an eternity, Mai worried he wouldn’t answer. But, sure enough, he spoke without hesitation.
“I’d hold you from behind, and whisper in your ear that everything’s all right,” Sakuta replied, assured and kind.
Something fluttered deep in Mai’s stomach, pushing away the upset, roiling feeling that had been turning over and over there. ‘That sounds nice,’ a part of her thought, flowery and sweet and traitorous. She wasn’t supposed to want that, wasn’t supposed to long for that comfort and contact. She should have resented him for wanting to touch her and take advantage of her vulnerabilities. Though, somewhere deep inside, she knew that wasn’t his intention. But it was easier to put up walls and assume all men were pigs than it was to dare to let someone in.
Her breath stuck in her throat and Mai couldn’t bring herself to say anything else. So she stayed quiet, eyes pressed shut, and fought off the urge to pinch the bridge of her nose. The emotion clogging her throat and the dull burn behind her eyes were making her head hurt, but she couldn’t get them to clear away. Instead, she just let out a quiet sigh and hoped her breath didn’t waver too much.
For a moment, Mai heard the covers shift behind her, the bed creaking softly and dipping down towards Sakuta, before she felt his hand come to rest on his shoulder. It just stayed there for a beat, his touch featherlight and cautious, giving her every chance to snap at him or push him away. But she liked the gentle weight of it, so she didn’t move or give any protest.
When she didn’t offer a complaint, his hand slipped beneath the covers and moved down the length of her arm, leaving goosebumps in its wake. Then, he tucked it gently beneath her own hands, settled against her stomach. The kindling heat of his palm was pleasant as he pressed it softly but steadily against the her stomach. Mai just squeezed his hand lightly in return, silently thankful.
And in a moment, Sakuta eased up behind her, his chest coming to rest faintly up against her back. He felt warm and solid behind her spine, and the hand on her stomach pressed back gently until she slid closer. Then, her back was molded perfectly against the plane of his chest with his arm slung over her waist, enveloping her in his warmth. Sakuta’s clean scent, tinged with spiced cologne, caught her attention, drifting around her as he shifted closer to cradle her hips back against his own.
Mai’s heart fluttered and clenched a little in her chest, nervous despite the way her body instinctively relaxed into his, or maybe because of it. Then, as she closed her eyes just a little tighter and blew out a quiet breath, she felt the pillow sink behind her head, Sakuta’s nose coming to nuzzle into the soft locks at the back of her skull. And she could feel his breath against the shell of her ear, soft and warm, making her shudder pleasantly with the sensation.
“I’m not crying, so you don’t have to,” Mai said, hardly louder than a whisper, the words coming out just a little hoarse. And as she said them, she realized she wasn’t fighting back the urge to cry anymore. Her throat still felt a bit too tight, but the moisture that had gathered in her eyes was gone.
“I want to,” Sakuta murmured against her ear. “You don’t need to cry to be held,” he added gently, his thumb rubbing soothing circles over the thin fabric of her shirt.
A sense of relief washed over her and Mai offered a soft nod, hair rustling against the pillowcase. With Sakuta wrapped around her, the closest she’d ever allowed a boy before, she let herself enjoy his touch. Her hands and feet seemed cold, even beneath the covers, their heat rushing to bloom in her chest. And when Sakuta shifted a bit behind her, she could feel the steady rhythm of his heart beating, calming and assuring.
“I swear that I’ll never forget this. I won’t let you disappear,” he whispered against her ear. Despite herself, a surge of affection and solace swept through Mai. She had to remind herself that she hardly knew Sakuta. He wasn’t her knight in shining armor, he was just a kouhai from school who cared a little more than the rest. Yet, none of that seemed to matter when she felt so safe tucked beneath the covers with him.
“Thank you,” Mai murmured, meaning the words more than she thought she would. But, even just for a night, it was nice to have someone to lean on, someone to share her troubles with so they didn’t feel so heavy. With her worries, her energy seemed to drain away too. The stresses of the last few days had been keeping her going out of necessity, but the fatigue seemed to catch up with her all at once.
“Everything is going to be okay,” Sakuta soothed, his breath warm against her ear. To her surprise, Mai found herself believing his words. She actually felt like it could all work out okay, as long as he stayed by her side.
Nuzzling further back into his embrace, Mai let out a contented sigh. She hadn’t realized how nice the warmth of another person could be, how comforting a simple touch could be. But now, she thought she would mind just forgetting the world for a while and staying in bed with Sakuta. While she laid in his embrace, he continued to whisper sweet reassurances in her ear, letting her know that he would be there and that he wouldn’t forget her, no matter what happened.
It should have seemed hollow, because he couldn’t say those things for sure, because one day she might really disappear, but the emotion behind the words made Mai feel warm and fuzzy. Her heart swelled with affection, and she felt genuinely safe and cared for. Even if Sakuta was making promises he couldn’t keep, she didn’t care. Because in that moment, he was protecting her, keeping her held tight against his chest and washing away the hurt and fear.
The lull of sleep tempted Mai, and Sakuta’s words seemed to blur together, just a low hum that blended with the constant rhythm of his heart. And just before she drifted off to sleep, Mai wondered if she had imagined the soft press of lips on her cheek, or if the warm, gentle kiss lingering there had actually been real. To her surprise, she found herself hoping it was real, hoping that someday she could kiss him properly.
That night, for the first time she could remember, her dreams were filled with images of a boy she wanted to love, and everything felt warm and comfortable and kind, and Mai was happy.