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Drip, drip.
Jaemin could hear the sound of rain falling slowly as he stood on the balcony. The sky usually would be saturated by a mixture of orange, violet, and red; scattering like an abstract painting. Yet today it seemed the painter was angry enough to pour all the gray and black shade into the sky, leaving a gloomy and dull ambience when the sky was supposed to be painted by a lustrous twilight. Jaemin stepped closer to the edge of balcony, touching the railing. Raindrops started drenching his blue shirt. He’s shaking as the wind blew harshly, ruining his brown locks. He tried to brush his hair to the side yet the wind won't let it. Jaemin stopped caring eventually.
He gazed at the sky, feeling sorrow crept into his heart as he recalled the night before, when the 4th floor used to be his favorite. Jeno's favorite to be precise. The latter would drag Jaemin into this place even when Jaemin was insisting he couldn’t go because of his assignments. To Jaemin this place was nothing but an empty and dreary balcony where all he could think about was how to stand here without wanting to fly yet to Jeno this place was magical.
He would stare at the sky for hours as the saturated twilight turned into pitch black. He would wait as he talked about how miraculous the sky is. Jaemin would beam. He would tilt his head and stare at Jeno. The sky was nothing but a dull view when he had the whole universe standing beside him. He was happy. He was content when Jeno rested his head on Jaemin's shoulder. Jeno smelled like peach mixed with soap. He insisted on trying Jaemin's perfume before dragging him upstairs. It was funny how he hated the soft scent yet still sprayed the perfume abruptly on his shirt.
Jaemin closed his eyes as Jeno spoke softly, asking the question he never thought would slip before the latter. "Jaemin-ah, do you think we can go through all of this?" Jaemin was so clueless. He thought things were starting to get better. He thought Jeno would never ask the question.
"What do you mean?" Jaemin flinched in response. Jeno immediately stood straight again, facing Jaemin whose face was laced with confusion.
"You know, my father still hasn't forgiven me for loving boy. He wants to send me to a boarding school and I don't even know until when I can stay by your side." There was no trace of happiness on Jeno's face anymore. Someone had taken it away, and Jaemin wanted to punch whoever did it. Yet he couldn't. He was as powerless as Jeno when it comes to parents.
"It’s fine babe. We’re gonna get through it together. I’ll wait no matter how long it takes for you to come back okay? I’ll run away with you if it's needed." Jaemin really meant all of that. Jeno was his light, more than the sun and the moonlight, Jeno was the only light shined his life. He’d be left in the dark if Jeno never crossed path with him. Even if it took eternity to wait for Jeno, Jaemin would still take the chance. Jaemin only had Jeno and for once he's scared Jeno would really break his heart.
"You promise?" His words sounded so desperate. He wanted to assure Jeno yet he couldn't even assure himself. Pain kept throbbing so oddly in his chest. Jaemin started to lose his grip in everything.
"Hmm…" Jaemin nodded. It’s the least he could do, promising. Stars littered on the sky yet Jeno's eyes were missing his spark. Jaemin could only stare wistfully.
Drip, drip.
Jaemin was soaked by the rain as he kept standing near the railing. The gust of wind harshly blew again, it sent shiver down to his spine yet Jaemin was already cold. When Jeno left him, he lost his warmth. As if summer never existed, Jaemin kept freezing as the days went by.
Jeno were standing on his balcony, when he had to say his goodbye. Jaemin hated goodbye more than anything. The idea of someone leaving always hurt him the most. Jeno didn't need to say the words for Jaemin to sob in his embrace. He knew Jeno would go. He had no other choice.
"I'll wait. I promise you I’ll wait. No matter how long it takes." His voice was barely audible. Jeno patted his head slowly as tears streamed down his face. Both were crashed. The stars which once aligned were now scattered again.
Drip, drip.
Jaemin did wait, long enough. He had forgotten his own happiness. He even rejected Mark's confession. He did wait. When winter turned to spring he still stood on the balcony to stargaze by himself. He would think of Jeno as he saw the stars shined brightly. Jaemin even tried wishing to the shooting star to bring Jeno back though he never believed in myth.
Jaemin still waited when spring turned to fall yet Jeno ended up in someone else's arms. As tragic as it sounded, it was reality. One could only wait while other found his own happiness. It crashed Jaemin's world when he saw Jeno smiling to Renjun as if he held the universe. Jaemin could only walk away, realizing that he had no right to be jealous. Jeno had found his happiness and Jaemin should've been happy for Jeno. Yet he couldn't. No matter how hard he tried, he ended up hurting even more.
Drip, drip.
Jaemin had given up. He walked away from the railing. Water dripped on his wooden floor as he entered his room. He checked his phone before putting on his pink-colored sweater. Mark was waiting outside. A sudden guilt washed over Jaemin when he realized he had called Mark again only to ease the pain. He wiped the tears on his eyes as he walked down the stairs to open the front door. It’s still raining and Mark's drenched too. Hesitantly, Jaemin pulled Mark into a hug. He rested his head on Mark's shoulder. Tears were welling up again in the corner of his eyes. He couldn’t suppress the hurt, it was getting unbearable.
"Hey what's wrong?" Panic was laced in Mark's voice as Jaemin sobbed quietly in his embrace, hands clutching on Mark's damp t-shirt.
"I’m sorry. It’s been so long but it still hurts, Mark." He weakly muttered the words. Jaemin didn’t have to explain for the latter understand what he meant. He knew he was so selfish, insisting Mark to deal with his sorrow. It was unfair but if Jaemin let go of Mark too… He didn't know what will happen. Too scared to find out, or so people say. He grabbed Mark's hand and pushed him to the couch. His lips were trembling but it found warmth when he crashed it on Mark's. Jaemin knew it was wrong for him to keep using Mark like this, but there wasn’t much option left for him to choose. The kiss was sloppy, Jaemin didn't even think twice and as for Mark he would mindlessly surrender to Jaemin’s touch. When they did pull away, confusion was laced even more on the black haired boy's face. They only stared at each other as the silence lingered heavily in the air.
"Can we go upstairs?" Jaemin said serenely few minutes later as he stood in front of Mark.
"Sure." Mark gladly followed Jaemin and walked behind him.
When they finally stood on the balcony, Jaemin broke down again. The hurt hadn’t gone completely. It still lingered in his chest. He was still in love with Jeno and seeing Mark keep coming for him even after all the anguish he gave to the boy pained Jaemin even more. He should’ve gone this far.
"Mark, I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’ve been using you all the time when all you deserve was someone who truly loves you. I’m really sorry." His voice quivered when he said the words. Guilt was present on his face when he stared at Mark who stood before him.
"Jaemin, I knew from the beginning that you're still in love with Jeno. I’m the one who keep coming when you call. It wasn’t even your fault. You shouldn’t be sorry. You can use me if you want it. I’ve told you that haven’t I?” Mark held Jaemin shoulder as he tried to look into the younger’s eyes. Jaemin still trembled, he anxiously lift his head up to meet Mark’s gaze.
"Yes. But it's still wrong. You seriously deserve someone better. It was selfish for me not to let you go, and keep giving you false hope. I didn't even give myself a chance to love you. It was just..." Mark shushed Jaemin immediately before he could finish his sentence.
"Jaemin, It’s fine okay. You don’t have to love me. I’ll stay. I’m still in love with you no matter what happens and I can’t help it. You’ve rejected me and I’m still here. I’m the one who begged you to use me. You should not be the one who apologizing."
"Mark, I’m really sorry." Jaemin repeated the words again. He didn’t know what to say again. Everything was so messed up. He should’ve called Mark after he begged Jaemin to use him to forget Jeno when in the end he still couldn’t forget Jeno and only hurt Mark even more.
"Stop saying sorry, Jaem. It’s not your fault. All of this.” Mark wrapped Jaemin into his embrace once again, letting the younger one buried his head on the raven haired boy’s chest. Jaemin was so certain he didn’t deserve Mark. It killed Jaemin knowing he couldn’t love Mark the way he loved Jeno before.
Jaemin let Mark hold his hands and bring him inside again after a while. He could see Mark was trembling due to the cold. He hadn’t changed his damp t-shirt since he arrived. Hastily, Jaemin handed Mark his favorite sweater and let him change in his room.
Drip, drip.
They eventually sat on the balcony after Mark changed his damp t-shirt into Jaemin's sweater. Jaemin's head was rested on Mark's shoulder. He closed his eyes, listening to the rain which hadn't stopped since an hour ago. He could also hear Mark's steady breathe. The latter was patting his head affectionately, playing with the pink strands.
"It’s gonna be fine, Jaemin-ah. You’re going to be fine." Mark said softly.
"Thanks Mark." Jaemin responded shortly after. Silence wasn't that terrible anymore. Jaemin felt content. It wasn't the same kind of feeling he used to have with Jeno yet it was similar in some ways. He felt safe. Even when he's here in the place where it used to be filled with Jeno’s memories and sorrow. He felt safe beside Mark.
Jaemin knew the rain hadn't stopped. Storm would possibly come. Yet he had Mark now, he had had Mark since the beginning. Even when he hadn’t realize it Mark was always be by his side. The least he could try now is to let go. Jeno was the past, buried under regrets and anguish and Mark's present. He should've given him and his heart a chance. To love again, to paint his sky other color than blue. So he kissed Mark once again. This time it wasn't because of Jeno. It was for himself. He had to let Mark and him to make fresh memories inside this building. The 4th floor wasn't meant to be a place for Jaemin to loathe himself in sadness; it was meant to be a place for Jaemin to be happy.