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‘’Don’t you think it’s weird I’m 16 and I’ve never kissed anyone?” Dan asked as he was straightening his hair, the usual anxious feeling growing in his chest before every party starting to twist his gut.
“I think you’re far from being the only one you know, a lot of people lie.” Phil replied, scrolling through his phone on Dan’s bed.
“Yeah but Jake has a girlfriend, Tina and Flora are together and even you already have had a girlfriend. I’m the big baby of us all or something.” He mumbled, getting increasingly frustrated as one of his strand of hair refused to obey. He just kept tugging on it repeatedly with his comb and the straightener, heating the hairs more and more.
“Mate calm down it smells like barbecue in there, let your poor hair alone and stop worrying. If you feel so uncomfortable about it, we could just say we’re together you know. If you really want to.” Dan had to stop his activity for a second to look at Phil, who surprisingly looked perfectly serious, still looking at his phone.
“What the fuck Phil, I’m not faking a relationship with you, I’m not gay. I don’t want people to think I am.” He replied, resuming to his previous activity. Maybe that’s not completely true. He doesn’t really know.
“You know they wouldn’t care, Tina and Flora are together, and no one gives a fuck.”
“I said no!” He replied forcefully, finally leaving his poor hair alone.
-
They arrive at the party a little bit late because of Dan and his hair, but it isn’t bad enough that everyone is there yet. There’s always one or two weirdos arriving at like midnight, coming back from god knows where. They’re late enough to be noticed though, and Flora intercept them as soon as they go through the door, handling them both a suspicious drink.
“You two have to catch up, drink it up lads.” They look at each other, having one of their silent conversation to know if they should or not drink those. Dan eventually shrugs and they both take a big gulp, immediately making a face at the strongly alcoholised beverage. Dan immediately better, a warm feeling spreading through his veins. He feels more confident like this, the slight intoxication erasing a little bit of his worries. He feels Phil’s hand on his wrist and next thing he knows he’s being dragged through the lounge to a couch. Phil forces him to sit next to him, maybe it’s a bit too close or maybe Dan is just too aware of every time they touch.
“Maybe going directly to the couch isn’t the best way to socialise Phil?” Dan suggests.
“It is actually, cause we’re playing a game.” Dan’s insides are all twisted again.
-
Everyone is sat in a circle while a basket is being passed around for everyone to put their name in. They’re playing seven seconds in heaven. Until then, he thought it was just a thing people did in movies and series, but here he is, playing it himself. Flora asked to put boys and girls name in the same basket “to end the damn heteronormativity.” It’s nice, really, but it makes him feel even worse. He doesn’t want to be locked in a tiny ass closet with a boy for seven minutes. He doesn’t want to face the feelings he knows are there.
He doesn’t have a choice though, so he puts his name in the basket and hope for the best. The thing is, most people here are in a relationship, and he quickly realises everyone is cheating to get in the closet with their favourite person. Flora and Tina come out blushing and Flora makes a joke about coming out of the closet. Jake and his girlfriend stay in there way too long and when Tina go to get them, she seems scarred for life. It’s his turn to play, and he really, really doesn’t want to. He doesn’t want to be stuck in a closet with some strangers while everyone outside think they’re making out.
“I don’t want to play.” He says softly, thankfully loud enough for everyone to here.
“What? Why? You’re not even in a relationship, why do you care?” He swallows slowly. They didn’t have to remind him of that. Of the fact he’s the only one here who doesn’t know how it feels to be loved, and held, and kissed, and everything. He feels like crying. Then he remembers his conversation with Phil from earlier. Maybe he has a way out.
“Actually…” He manages to say before Flora literally screams.
“WAIT A SECOND, what did you hide from us Dan? Who’s the lucky girl?”
“Hm…” He looks at Phil, who’s eyes widen when he realises what’s going on, “He’s not a girl.” He takes Phil’s hand, “I’m with Phil.” Flora stays quite for a minute before bursting in laughter, slapping the couch with her hand.
“Very funny Dan, you’re like the hettest person I’ve ever met. Stop bullshitting and get in the closet you coward.”
“He’s not lying Flora, we’re together, we just haven’t tell you yet.” Phil says. Flora still looks suspicious, but Dan can tell she’s starting to buy the lie.
“Ok then, get in the closet together.” Dan doesn’t know if that’s better or worse than a stranger.
-
It’s pretty damn dark in there. He can still see Phil’s eyes, they seem darker, a little less like the sky and little more like the ocean. Fuck, that’s exactly what he wanted to avoid. They’re so close and he’s still intoxicated and he can feel Phil’s breath on his face, it smells a bit like their drink from before but also inherently Phil.
“We don’t have to do anything you know?” Phil says softly, his hand resting on Dan’s arm. He knows he’s trying to reassure him, but the touch only makes things worse. He should’ve shut up and gone in the closet with some random girl.
“I know.” They stay just like this for a while. They’re not even talking, because the others would find it suspicious if they heard them. They don’t do anything and when he hears foot step outside of the closet, he can’t believe seven minutes have passed.
“I’m opening the closet guys, and if you’re not even doing anything I’m calling bullshit on you two.” Dan eyes shot open at that as he starts panicking.
“Dan, calm down!”
“But she’s coming, she’ll know, she’ll tell everyone fuck fuck fuck-” Phil cuts his rambling by grabbing his shirt and crushing their mouths together. At first, he has no idea what to do, so he just stays here, his eyes wide open. However, Phil is good at kissing it seems, and Dan feels braver with alcohol in his system, so he quickly gets into it. He closes his eyes and put his arms around Phil, pulling him closer. He should feel disappointed, sad, because it’s his first kiss and surely, kissing your best friend for a stupid game while being drunk is the worst first kiss ever. He feels anything but that, he feels lightheaded, on fire, and yeah, he feels good. When Flora opens the door, they’re still kissing hard and Dan grins when he hears a little “Oh, so, you weren’t lying I guess.” Were they?
-
Fake relationships are fun Dan decides. No one is judging him for being single for his whole life, and he can hold Phil’s hand. That wasn’t supposed to be a good side of it, but he finds he quite like human touch. Maybe he only likes Phil’s touch. That’s the downside of fake relationships, he doesn’t know when it stops being fake, he doesn’t know if he wants it to stop being fake.
They kiss and hold hands when they’re in front of everyone of course, Phil even rests his hand on Dan’s thigh at some point and he goes bright red, but sometimes he doesn’t drop his hand even when there’s no one around. And sometimes Dan catches himself staring at Phil’s lips even when they’re all alone in the dark.
They’ve been assigned a room for themselves and a double bed, as they’re a couple and all. And now they’re left all alone in the dark, deeply confused after the night they just had. Well Dan is, confused, he doesn’t know if Phil also is. But by the way he’s biting his lip now (Dan would know, as he’s still staring), he must be.
“What are you thinking about?” Dan asks on a burst of confidence.
“Tonight.”
“What about it?”
“I don’t know. It was a bit confusing don’t you think?”
“Yeah.” Dan thinks maybe he should kiss him now, that’s what supposed to happen. But he’s so scared still, as he’s now mostly sober, and what if he read everything wrong? So, he just stays here, staring at Phil’s lips like they contain the answers to every of his problems.
“Dan, stop staring.” It makes Dan jumps.
“Sorry.”
“No, it’s okay, but like, do something else.”
“What do you want me to do?” Phil doesn’t reply, he just puts his hand on the back of Dan’s neck, and brings them closer. Maybe it isn’t that complicated.