Work Text:
Kurt can’t really blame Pietro for being concerned, Kurt’s been so distant and touchy lately. Kurt hates how horrible he’s been to him, Pietro deserves someone so much better than this.
Kurt, numb, is sitting on the futon in his room. Deep in thought, he thinks about how he doesn’t deserve someone so amazing. He doesn’t deserve the safe space of the school, or the kindness of his friends.
They’d all be so much better off if he wasn’t there, he thought. Jean especially, He hates the way she looks at him. He hates that she knows. He hates that he hates, who is he to do that? Jean doesn’t deserve that. He shouldn’t be thinking about his friends with anything other than gratefulness. Someone as horrible as him doesn’t have a right to.
He notices his limbs are cold, and he realizes he hasn’t moved for a while.
Snapping out of it, he takes a sharp breath, and gets up to walk to the bathroom. He opens the drawer and grabs the razor he taped to the bottom of it. Pietro would be horrified, but Kurt knows he’d never show it if he could help it.
Pietro found Kurt’s marks beautiful at first, but ever since Kurt explained what they are, he doesn’t look at Kurt the same. It’s disgust, Kurt thought to himself. Who could ever love someone who looks like this?
Kurt lays everything out on a hand towel, laying it all straight and grabbing the notebook from his bag for reference. Pietro doesn’t know but he’s been keeping track of his sins, and has written each symbol he’s due. He keeps the damn thing on him at all times, the one time Pietro has asked to see it he only saw german and some symbols. Kurt explained it as a diary, which wasn’t a lie to some extent.
“One for every sin,” He mutters to himself.
He glances at his phone and sees that there’s a missed call from Pietro, and a text saying he’s on his way back from the store with the gang.
“Scheiße, ten minutes ago.” Kurt swears, bamfing into the bathroom and quickly putting everything away. He gets the razor put away, and starts to grab his notebook to put it back in his bag.
“Hey there, meine blauer bester freund” Pietro says with an absolutely horrible accent.
Kurt jumps out of his skin and whips around. “Arschloch! Pietro, jou nearly kilt me!”
Pietro tackles Kurt in what most people wouldn’t consider a hug, and pushes him onto the futon with a shit eating grin on his face.
Kurt can’t help but break out into a smile, laughing a bit.
“How’d you like my german? Google translate is pretty great, I’ve been trying to study some stuff. I wanna call you cute stuff in german like you do to me.”
“It’s the thought that counts, tank jou, love.”
“Was it that good?” Pietro said with a laugh
“Jou sounded like a robot, love. Jou would be helpless back home.”
Offended, Pietro scoffs and rolls off of the futon, using Kurt’s bag as a pillow. He can’t hide his smile, so he turns away from Kurt and lays on his side.
“And to think I spent five minutes on that, five real minutes. Google can suck it.”
“Jou could always read a book on it, it vould be faster.” Kurt says as he sits up, pulling his legs into his lap.
Spinning around, Pietro looks shocked. Motioning to himself, he says: “Do I look like a guy who can afford something like books?!”
“Christmas, ten. We will all save up. I will talk to the professor about starting fundraising next week.” Kurt laughs
“Well, it’s already June so it might be too late. But never fear, I have an idea! I think you’d be a great teacher. I know I get distracted, but I think with you I could focus. And that would be free, so…” Pietro sits up and slides forward, sitting criss crossed in front of Kurt.
Kurt zoned out again, staring into the bathroom. Pietro touches his arm, and Kurt flinches. “Jeez, dude. You’re cold.” Pulling off his hoodie to reveal a “The Cure” shirt, he offers it to his friend. Kurt shrugs it on and he gently sits next to the blue boy, who has an undeniable sadness about him.
“Hey… you know that you can like, talk to me. Right? You’re legitimately my best friend, and if someone did something or said something that hurt you, you know that I’d fight them as soon as you gave me the go ahead. If it was that one asshole and his group of friends, we can go to Charles and talk to him about fixing it. They can’t keep getting away with this, you don’t deserve to go through this hell.”
Kurt’s tears started flowing at that, so he pulled his knees up and buried his face in them. Terrified of the sounds that might happen if he tried to speak, he just sat there praying for this moment to end.
Turning towards him, Pietro couldn’t help but feel an ache in his chest. He can’t stand seeing Kurt like this, but he buckles down and tries to stay strong so he can help.
“You wanna talk about anything? I’m here for you, man. If you just wanna sit here that’s fine too.”
“Jou… should not have to be burdened with me.” Kurt whimpered, almost too quiet to hear.
Pietro’s stomach flipped, he felt sick. He knew the kid had self esteem issues, but he had no idea things were this bad.
Grabbing Kurts shoulder, he forced Kurt to lift his head and look at him. Seeing the bright eyes so dark, and his beautiful skin stained with tears, Pietro couldn’t help but pull the guy into a tight hug. Maybe went a bit too fast, but fuck it, things are bad and he needs to fix them.
Kurt gasped, surprised by the sudden movement. He was stiff and clearly unsure what to do, considering his silver friend always seemed unsure of touching him when he’s upset.
“I could never feel burdened by you. You are the best part of my day, I look forward to seeing you every time you cross my mind. Which is more than I should admit, but I need to get my point across.”
Kurt softened and tried to pull away. He’s already been found out, so there’s no point in hiding.
He sat back and looked at Pietro. The direct eye contact always throws off Pietro, but he meets it steadily.
His tears were flowing at a regular pace, unwavering. His shirt wet, and his body shivering every now and then.
Kurt looks away, not wanting to see the reaction from what he was about to say.
“Jou are too nice to admit it. I should have never gotten this close, jou do not deserve this suffering. I can not stand seeing jou in so much pain, pain caused by me.”
Pietro is shocked, for once at a loss for words.
After pausing for a minute, Kurt’s emotions swell and he starts to rant.
“Sometimes I do not see a point in living. It is no one’s fault but mine. I should not be so ungrateful. I am too selfish to die, I would never see you again. I would never see my friends again. It would not affect you besides making your life easier. Everyone would not even notice I am gone. I would rather be dead, but I am too weak. So instead, I mark myself. Make others see how horrible I am. It is a warning, and a reminder of the evil I am capable of. I do not want to live, but I do not want to die either. My final judgement is not going to be the one I have prayed for.”
Realizing how much he’s said, Kurt curses himself under his breath. He blindly grabs his backpack and teleports out of the room.
BAMF!
Trying to process what Kurt just said, Pietro sits there in silence. His stomach feels likely to go at any moment. He can’t believe how ignorant he’s been to this. Kurt has always been self deprecating. Pietro just assumed it was the whole edgy “lol kms” trope, he never assumed there was much truth behind it. Yeah, he knew Kurt had problems. But he thought they were left behind with the circus.
Pietro can’t decide if he should go after Kurt. He’s worried that he’ll make things worse right now and make it about him, rather than showing his concern for Kurt. So he ends up going to the professor instead. Pietro would fuck this up if he tried to fix things on his own, and nothing would be gained except for more pain for Kurt.
--------------
Pietro nervously approaches Charles’ office doors. He’s always been kind, but Pietro can’t help but be uncomfortable around him. Not because of his powers, though that sure doesn’t help.
The guy is, just, Pietro is terrified of disappointing the man. And that says a lot, because typically he just assumes everyone is already disappointed, so there’s no point in trying. But Charles has this energy about him, every time he talks to you he makes you feel listened to. He considers everything you say so carefully, everything has so much weight.
Charles opens the door
“Well, don’t just stand there. Come on in.”
“... Thanks.”
Charles backs out of the doorway and heads towards a small seating area by the
windows. Pietro closes the door behind him and walks over, sitting down in an armchair.
-----
Kurt sits on a branch of his favorite tree, feeling the sun's heat on his dark skin.
He can’t believe he said all of that to his friend. Pietro doesn’t need that. He already deals with so much from Kurt, why should he have to deal with this too?
Kurt wraps his tail around the branch and wipes his tears with Pietro’s hoodie that he still has on from earlier. He notices how good it smells, and regrets teleporting with it on. Kurt pulls the hood up and breathes deeply.
He feels a sense of calm, Pietro is so good. Kurt wants to be like that.