Work Text:
I surrender who I've been for who you are
For nothing makes me stronger than your fragile heart
If I had only felt how it feels to be yours
Well I would have known
What I've been living for all along
JUNE POV
You know it had to be a beach wedding.
We’d fantasized about Hawaii. Maui. Two and a half years ago, standing in the Waterfords’ kitchen. We would run off and be a real family. I don’t need a piece of paper to tell me we’re a family...but there is something nice about making it official, now, in front of everyone we love. Out in the open for all to see and know.
He’s mine. I am his. Forever more.
I’m hiding in our hotel room, right off the beach. It’s almost time to start. I can hear the sound of the ocean waves crashing against the sand, and the seagulls cawing. They’re such normal sounds for a day at the beach...but, once upon a time, I honestly thought I’d never hear them again. Never smell the salt in the air. Never feel the hot sand between my toes, or the bright sun directly on my face, unobstructed by those damn wings.
And I never thought I’d see either of my daughters be able to run, laugh, and play at the beach like they have been the last few days.
How are we here? This was not supposed to happen. I mean...it should happen...but we come from a world where these normal things are no longer the norm and don’t happen anymore.
Nothing about how we got here is normal. Nothing about being here is normal. We’re the exception to the rule. We escaped. Me. Nick. Holly. Hannah. Moira. Luke. We all shouldn’t be here. Together. Happy. Free.
The fact that we are is enough to bring me to tears. I feel as though I have no right to ask for anything more in life - I already have everything.
Moira pops her head into the room. “June, we’re gonna start.” I nod and smile back at her. She notices the tears in my eyes and walks into the room, embracing me in a hug.
“I can’t believe we’re really here,” I whisper.
I can feel her head nod against my shoulder. “I know. Me too.”
“I love you, Moira.”
Her arms tighten around me. “Girl, you have no idea.”
We break apart, and stand staring at one another for few seconds. She squeezes my hand, and smiles. “You ready?”
“Let’s do it.”
“I’ll send Hannah and Holly out, and then see you up there.”
After she leaves, I desperately want to watch through the window as Hannah and Holly walk out. But there’s a fence separating the hotel from the beach that blocks the view. There’s enough of a gap between the wooden slats that I could see them if I really wanted to...but I don’t want to risk seeing Nick until I’m walking towards him. I’ll just have to catch them on the video afterwards.
We decided to skip most of the traditions. No wedding party, except for Hannah and Holly as flowergirls. No dancing. No bouquet or veil. No long-drawn out ceremony and speeches. We slept in the same bed last night and saw one another this morning.
But Nick didn’t want to see me in my dress. That was his one request.
I can hear laughter outside the window, and it takes every ounce of willpower not to look. It’s so much harder to miss any milestone or special moment with the girls, knowing how much I’ve already missed with Hannah and what I very nearly missed altogether with Holly.
But I wait for my cue. I was told to start walking when the music began. We hired a single guitarist. Nick said Joshua used to play the guitar. He picked the song and refused to tell me what he picked.
Who would have ever known that the stoic, silent, and occasionally broody man I first met over 5 years ago was so damn romantic and sentimental? But he’s all love. He was made to love. Whatever he loves, he loves from the very depth of his being.
It should be any second now…My heart rate picks up, my body tenses, and I start pacing. I didn’t think much about the song when he mentioned it, but now...I’m almost painfully excited. Nick puts so much thought and care into gestures like these, and I know he’ll pick something meaningful to him. His actions always speak louder than his words. And have a way of stopping me in my tracks and also making me want to jump his bones at the same time. Seriously, how does he do that?
Finally, I’m spared, and I hear the first notes play. Excitement is replaced with panic when I don’t recognize the song. Shit, I’d just assumed I’d know it.
But then, it’s obvious - and I can sing the lyrics in my head.
Wise men say
Only fools rush in
But I can’t help
Falling in love with you.
Shall I stay?
Would it be a sin?
If I can’t help
Falling in love with you.
I smile, and my eyes fill for the second time today. It’s perfect.
My romantic and sentimental fool.
Falling in love in Gilead was certainly foolish - and somehow also the smartest thing we ever did.
Take my hand
Take my whole life too
I need to see him. I take a breath and start to walk. I leave the room and round the corner. Holy shit, I’m really nervous. As I walk past the fence, I try not to peek through. Just a few more steps...The ocean unfolds in front of me, and I can see Hannah, Holly, Moira, Liv, Luke, and his girlfriend Jane.
And then, finally...him. He’s standing underneath a simple wooden arch...smiling a wider smile than I ever thought possible on his face. It stops me cold in my tracks.
I’ve never seen him happier in my life.
And I have never felt so loved and cherished in my life.
All of of my nerves evaporate. How does he do that? With a single look, he makes me feel like the most beautiful sight he’s ever seen. The most important thing in the universe.
He’s mine. I am his. Forever more.
***
NICK POV
The water is so blue here. Clear. It reminds me of June’s eyes.
Everything reminds me of June.
I think of Joshua too. One of our last happy memories was at the beach, when that picture was taken. It still hurts that he’s not here, standing next to me.
I wish June could have known him, and my parents. They would have loved her. Especially Mom. She’d always wanted a daughter, to raise the next generation of strong, confident women, she’d said. She would have adored June, and Holly and Hannah too.
I wish I could have known June’s mom - Holly’s namesake. But something tells me I know a lot about her mom in just knowing June.
There are moments when Holly is frighteningly like June. And I feel like I’m looking at a miniature version of her, except with my hair and my coloring. She has June’s eyes though. Those gorgeous blues.
She’s so perfect. Our baby. Our daughter. I turn around to find her. She’s over with Moira and Hannah near the hotel, twirling in her dress. Laughing, without a care in the world. As it should be.
Moira disappears behind the fence. She must be in the room with June. Is everything okay? I feel a pull to go to June...but Moira reappears a minute later, smiling.
The pull is still there - if I’m honest, it’s always there. Whenever I’m not with her.
My heart rate picks up, just thinking about her. I almost want to screw the whole wait and go to her right now. If we don’t start soon, I just might. She always likes those kinds of surprises anyways.
But, fortunately for me and my impatience, Moira clears her throat to get our attention. We’re finally starting.
Hannah and Holly begin walking towards me, hand in hand. Sisters. I think of Joshua again, and feel so grateful that Holly has Hannah. An older sister to watch out for her, especially one as kind as Hannah. Despite their age gap and differences, they both share the same love for mischief and sass - Gee, I wonder where they get that from - and have become partners in crime at home. When I watch them together, I miss Joshua less, not more, as I relive my own memories with him. It feels as though they’ve brought him back to me.
Hannah smiles over to Luke, then smiles up at me. They’re halfway to me when Holly abruptly drops Hannah’s hand and runs to me, dark curls bouncing around her smiling face, arms held up high to be picked up.
I laugh, along with everyone else, and pull her up into my arms. How could a father resist?
“Daddy!” she squeals, blue eyes sparkling. God, could she be any more perfect?
Her tiny finger gently touches the tip of my nose. “Daddy’s nose.”
I laugh. “Yea, Daddy’s nose.” I kiss her teeny, tiny button of a nose. “Holly’s nose.” She giggles infectiously, and tries to escape my arms. I kiss her again on her chubby cheek - what will I do when she loses all of her baby fat? - and put her down on the sand. “Can you go back to Aunt Moira?” She starts back towards Hannah and Moira, before turning around to face me again. She gives me that look, a slash between playful and mischievous, and extends her arm, pointing her index finger to me. Our little tradition whenever we say goodbye, instead of waving. She only does it with me - June’s tried but Holly refuses. I point back to her, and she skips towards Hannah and Moira, giggling again.
Seriously, perfect. So perfect.
Moira makes eye contact with me and smiles. “Ready?” she mouths.
I nod, and Moira nods in turn to the guitarist.
Here we go. The moment you’ve been waiting for. The person you never knew you needed.
My throat is already tight, and I haven’t even seen her yet.
The guitarist starts to play. I wish I could see June’s face, when she recognizes the song. Every word feels true - I hope she gets that. She turned me into a damn fool and I never stood a chance.
I can see white cloth fluttering between the slats in the fence, and glimpses of her skin and hair. It’s such a tease. God, this is fucking torture. Who’s shitty idea was it to put a fence there?
Finally, she emerges from behind the fence and I can see her in full. As if she knows I need a moment, she pauses.
It’s almost too much. She’s so beautiful. I don’t know why I cared so much about not seeing her in her dress - I’ve haven’t been able to take my eyes off of her face to even see her dress.
Daring eyes. A smile brighter than the sun behind us. She starts to walk again, and I notice her hair as it moves loosely around her face. With the sunlight reflecting off of her hair, she literally shines. The fact that she is dressed in all white only adds to her glow. When I finally see her dress, I wonder how it was possible I hadn’t noticed how gorgeous it was before. It flows softly around her body as she walks towards me. Gliding is more like it. Hell, floating. How does she do that? Be so graceful and a force of nature at the same time? Soft and strong. So strong.
As she gets closer, I can see tears in her eyes and can tell she loves the song. She knows why I picked it. I don’t know why I doubted it - June’s smart like that. So smart.
She’s walking towards me, this incredible woman. She loves me. She chooses me. I’ll never understand it...but I do believe it. Somehow, I make her just as happy as she makes me.
All of those years of waiting...for the right moment to escape. For her to decide who she wanted to be with. And today, to see her in her dress...
She was worth the wait. In every possible way.
By the time she gets to me, all I want to do is kiss her and be married already. We’re standing less than a foot apart, under the arch, but she still feels too far. I grab her hands, which eases some of the ache.
I smile at her. “Hey.”
***
JUNE POV
I smile back. “Hey.”
He looks good in white. Well, he looks good in anything - and nothing at all - but somehow he seems more relaxed in white. His collar is open and part of his chest is exposed, tanner than usual after the last few days in the sun. I suddenly wish we were alone and not standing in front of a minister and everyone else. Oh, the things I would do to him...
His thoughts seem to be in the same place. “You look...beautiful,” he whispers, his eyes smoldering.
“Thanks…” An idea occurs to me, and I smirk. “I wore it just for you.”
He laughs gently, then smirks back and I know he’s dying to repeat the words he said to me in reply that day: You shouldn’t wear anything for me.
Glad we’re on the same page, Nick.
The minister, Grace, clears her throat, interrupting our silent flirtation.
“We are gathered here today to celebrate the joyful union of June Osborne and Nicholas Blaine. June and Nick have written their own vows to share with us.”
Grace turns towards me, giving me the cue to start.
“Nick...when we met, my world was one where I didn’t dare cream.”
His furrowed brow and smirk make me realize what I just said. Cream. I didn’t dare cream.
Oh dear God.
“DREAM! I meant dream!” I can hear Moira’s laugh rise above the others. “Fuck, can I start over?”
Nick laughs. “Did you just say fuck during our vows?” he asks, shaking his head.
“Sorry,” I say, with a cringe, apologizing to the minister. Then, I remember our audience. “Hannah, Holly, you did not hear that.”
“Please, who are you kidding, Mom? I hear it, like, all the time,” Hannah replies, triggering another round of laughter.
“Jesus Christ,” I whisper under my breath. Only Nick and the minister can hear, and he smiles and shakes his head again.
Grace clears her throat, barely containing laughter herself. “June, you may start again.”
I clear my throat. “Nick, as I was saying...when we met, my world was one where I didn’t dare dream .” I enunciate the last word.
He smirks again. I give him daggers but can’t help but smile too. Cream instead of dream. Good Lord. I blame the flirtation...and him looking...well, like him. If that’s not a Freudian slip, I don’t know what is.
I need to get ahold of myself. I close my eyes, trying to get centered. After a few seconds, I open my eyes but keep my eyes glued on our clasped hands.
“I didn’t dare dream. In that place. I hoped...but I couldn’t dream.” I can feel the pain encroach, its edges, threatening to engulf me whole. I feel Nick squeeze my hands, and it keeps the pain at bay, just far enough away for me to continue. “It hurt to dream. But…”
I look back at him, in adoration. “Somehow...with you, I started to dream. You dreamed first and shared them with me...until your dreams became my own.”
I pause, and look out to the ocean. I smile, and meet his eyes again. “You brought us here in your dreams that day...and you brought us here in reality.”
He meets my smile with his own, remembering that day. When we were standing, facing one another, just like today. Dreaming of this moment...although I’m sure even he never dreamed we would get married. I don’t imagine he let himself dream of that...it would have been too painful.
It makes me sad, as it always does, that he never thought I’d choose him. I squeeze his hands.
“You, more than anyone, know what my life was like there. Yet, somehow, after all that, I truly feel lucky.”
I can tell he feels sad for me, reminded of what I’ve been through. Which is not my point.
“Nick, you make me lucky.” I say it as emphatically as I can. “I am lucky because of you. Because of your love, your kindness, your strength, your loyalty, your patience, your courage...your foolishness .” I wink, and he smiles. My sentimental fool.
“Because of you, I am lucky....Today, in this beautiful place that you dreamed up for us, my hope, my promise, my dream is that I will make you just as lucky as you have made me.”
He squeezes my hands. And the emotion on his face tells me what he’s dying to say: You already do.
God, I’ll never deserve him. Even his facial expressions are the sweetest.
It’s so much easier to read him now. Sometimes I wonder how I could ever have mistrust him, as I had early on in Gilead. But that’s what’s so fucked up about that place: in there, it’s kindness that you don’t trust. It’s kindness that is unusual, suspicious, and even dangerous. How does kindness become menacing? How fucked up is that?
But once you see Nick and who he truly is, there’s no un-seeing him and his heart beats in everything he does. In every action, gesture, facial movement, and touch. Like how his thumbs caress my hands right now, as if he can’t be near me and not love me in some way. It always leaks through, bursts out, as though it simply cannot be contained. His love was a sleeping volcano, red hot lava underneath the surface all along.
Nick clears his throat, fixes his eyes down on our joined hands, and takes a deep breath.
“June...I’ve said these words to you once before, but you may not have known it then. I say them to you now, again. And I will say them to you for as long as I live. In my words, in my actions, and in my heart.”
He squeezes my hands, and takes another breath.
“Love is patient. Love is kind.”
My heart stops. I remember those words. They feel far away, a memory from another life. A world that was dark. Ugly. Lonely.
Not this bright, beautiful, happy world around me now.
I hadn’t listened to the words before. It was too painful. I’d forced my mind somewhere else, anywhere else.
I see Nick’s head tilt sideways ever so slightly, worry in his eyes. He squeezes my hands again, checking to see where I’m at: here - or back there. I squeeze back. I’m here.
He continues. “It is not jealous. It does not dishonor others. It is not self-seeking.”
Nick could have written these words. They describe him perfectly. I smile at him - this man is the Biblical definition of love.
“It is not easily angered. It keeps no record of wrong. Love delights not in evil, but rejoices in the truth.”
He squeezes my hands again.
“Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.”
He pauses, letting the words sink in - whether for me or for himself, I’m not sure. I realize he’s been waiting years to say these words again - to me, about me, for me - and for all to know and see this time.
“June, for years I’ve had to watch you suffer and not be able to help. As much as I may want to, I know I’ll never be able to protect you from all pain. But I do promise that you’ll never be alone in it. When you hurt, I hurt. When you’re happy, I’m happy. Where you go, I’ll go. Always.”
It really is that simple for him. Somehow, he makes love simple.
After a pause, Grace speaks again, “Now, we will exchange the rings.” She places Nick’s wedding band in my palm.
I reach for Nick’s hand - God, I love his hands - and hold it in my own. I slip the ring halfway up his finger.
“Nick, I choose you, above all others, to be my husband. I give to you this ring, as a symbol of my promise to love, honor, and cherish you all the days of my life. As this ring has no end, neither shall my love for you.”
I push the ring all the way back, and admire how it looks on his hand. I’ve seen him wear one before...but unlike that one, which left me feeling disgusted and hollow every time I saw it, this one fills me love and pride. I look up into his face, and beam with joy.
Grace places my ring into Nick’s palm, and he similarly slips it onto my finger. His thumb caresses my hand.
“June, I choose you, above all others, to be my wife.” His voice falters at “wife”, and he looks down, gathering himself, blinking rapidly.
He makes me feel more loved than I ever thought possible...and yet, sometimes - in moments like this - I wonder if I’ll ever fully know how much love is truly there in his heart. My eyes fill as I feel so lucky again to be graced by such love.
After a few seconds, he meets my eyes again, his eyes glistening with his own unshed tears. “I give to you this ring, as a symbol of my promise to love, honor, and cherish you all the days of my life.” His voice is thick, but he pushes through. “As this ring has no end, neither shall my love for you.”
He smiles gently as he finishes, relieved. As he pushes the ring all the way on, the edges of his smile spread upwards, until he’s beaming. That goofy smile that I adore. It plants an equally goofy smile on my own face, I’m sure.
Grace speaks again. “It is with profound joy that I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride.”
Like a Black Friday shopper when the store doors finally open, Nick rushes forward, closing the gap between us, his hands immediately moving to my face. His lips crash into mine, desperate with need that is bursting at the seams.
Finally.
The world could be on fire and I wouldn’t know it. Or I wouldn’t care.
Our kiss is starting to lose its PG rating but everyone will just have to look away.
There’s only one thing that could stop us and she slams into us, wrapping her arms around our legs, never wanting to miss out on the fun.
“Mommy! Daddy!” Holly squeals, begging to be picked up. Our lips finally part, laughter on them now, as we marvel at this amazing girl we made.
Nick, ever beholden to her every need and request, swings her body up, her laughter and delight filling the air. Another normal sound at the beach - children playing. But for me, this sound is literally a dream come true.
My tears finally fall, wetting my face, each one a silent thank you and a prayer for my beloved family.
Lucky. So very lucky.