Work Text:
Hey now
What’s the gravity upon your face
So I’m the one who’s bleeding
Real men
Always thinkin’ with our fists
My turn to be the victim
Big boys don’t cry
They don’t ask why
There was a time when a moment like this
Wouldn't ever cross my mind
The sun will rise with my name on your lips
‘Cause everything will change tonight
- The Driver, by Bastille
So come on let's forget the emotion
Tie the blinkers oh, hold both hands right over my eyes
Deafen me with music
'Till we're lost in the heat of the moment
And I move and you help me keep these hours alive
Help me chase those seconds
[...]
Hold me in this wild, wild, world
'Cause in your warmth I forget how cold it can be
And in your heat I feel how cold it can get
Hold me in this wild, wild, world
'Cause in your warmth I forget how cold it can be
And in your heat I feel how cold it can get
So draw me close
- Warmth, by Bastille
It had already been such a daunting recovery for Josuke, past the healing that was superficial, more than the scrapes scars on the surface. Within him brewed pain far more substantial, a darkness he thought was impenetrable left by the events from the summer of '99.
He had only Kira to blame, but the amount he internalized, masked, tried to stow in a bottle on a shelf far in his subconscious was far too much to hold back at long last. He'd let it out slowly, always certain he was completely alone before he let go and cried about it. He mourned so much, finally allowing himself the time to grieve, and while he wanted desperately to climb out of the hold this weight held on him, he couldn't do it alone. He realized that all too soon, terrified of himself and the anxieties, fear, and trauma that held him in their grips when he was most alone and most vulnerable.
The pain he felt was all too great, and too much for him to shoulder. He needed help, he knew that, but he had gone so long pretending it was fine. Surely months after all this, he should be alright, right? He should be over this, he wasn't a child, there was no reason to cry so much about it.
He masked it as best he could, and when he was ready, he hung out with Okuyasu again as they once had. He constantly saw the worry in Oku's expression whenever he didn't laugh as hard as he used to, or pick on him quite as much as he once had, but his friend never called him out on it. He admired how much his friend cared, and despite Okuyasu not being the smartest, his care into picking up on others feelings was unparalleled sometimes. He wondered if maybe Oku didn't notice after all, or if his friend cared so much he didn't want to see Josuke break down over it all. For Oku's sake, he hoped it was the former.
Josuke doubted he'd ever be able to tell Okuyasu exactly what happened back then, as he was held in his arms, healed, fixed, but so unconscious he appeared dead. Part of Josuke broke that day, in that moment, that instant, and even if he would be able to fix himself with Crazy Diamond, he knew that it would have no effect on a broken heart.
It was through Okuyasu's convincingly near death that Josuke realized something so painful about himself.
That he loved him.
And as soon as he realized it, he cast those feelings away as a knee jerk reaction. He'd rather die than lose his best friend, be it through what happened with Kira or through his own stupid confession. He was so certain Okuyasu didn't feel the same, how could he anyways? All it took was a look in a mirror during one of these... episodes, and Josuke felt so deeply in his heart no one could ever truly love him. Not even in his darkest times, when his pain caught him like this.
No... he could never allow himself to love Okuyasu. Not the way he deserved. A guy like that deserved so much love, and without half the baggage that Josuke picked up and carried with him now.
Half the reason he was so reserved was because he didn't want to place the effort in anymore, he had given up. The other half was because he didn't want to unload everything on his friend.
But his friend was taking notice.
Winter had settled in on Morioh now, the cold nipping at them on their way to and from school. Due to the poor heating at Okuyasu's house, Josuke had been inviting him and his father by extension over more while they installed better heating.
Everything at surface value felt calmer. There wasn't a whole lot outside of normal life to be lived for Josuke and the rest of Morioh, no people missing, no serial killers to be pursued. Fall and now winter settled in with an uncharacteristic warmth bringing everyone to feel more at peace in the colder seasons.
It was a chance to reflect back, and look forward. Josuke knew this, but he didn't want to do either.
One night after getting back from school, the pair were hunkered in the living room with a couple of blankets and snacks scattered about them as they battled each other with a new console Josuke got for Christmas ahead of time.
"No fair!" Okuyasu exclaimed for probably the billionth time that evening, Josuke laughing at his friends mock dismay. "I was so far ahead of you, you should be banned from using those power ups, it might as well be cheating!"
"Dude, they give you power ups for a reason," Josuke said as he rested his controller in his lap and stretched his arms. "And anyways, it's all how you use them. You just gotta be creative with it."
"You know I don't have the brains to figure that out. Why you gotta be so good at everything?"
"I'm not good at everything though." Josuke countered as he picked up the controller again, but noticed Okuyasu hadn't readied up yet. He looked over to his friend who seemed to look a little deep in thought. "You good, Oku?"
"Yeah, I'm just trying to think of something you're not good at."
Josuke laughed a little at that before shoving his friend with his elbow lightly. "You fuckin dork." He said, deciding to drop it despite how much he wanted to say. How much had slipped through his fingers and how much his flaws seemed to bite their way up his throat.
"Well you're not arguing like usual, so I must be right, huh?" Okuyasu said as he laid his controller in his lap, leaning forward for rest his chin on his hand to give his friend a questioning look.
"Arguing?" Josuke set his controller back down too. "Watcha mean 'like usual'?"
"Like... I dunno, there's a lot of things that you used to do normal and now it's all kinda... died down a little." Okuyasu said, finally, finally going where Josuke was dreading. Josuke went to open his mouth to brush past it, mark it as okay, but before he could speak Oku was continuing. "I, I know things have changed a lot, and everyone has their own way of processing shit. Summers been hard, but you ain't alone, man. I'm not gonna twist your arm for some big reply, I trust you to only say what you want to when you want to, or even if you want to. I'm not holding you to saying shit. But if you ever wanna, you know I'm here for you. Always been."
Josuke blinked in response, silent for a moment as his blood ran cold. What do I even tell him? He didn't have to say anything just then, but in his gut he was terrified he'd never say anything again if he didn't just... do it, now that the opportunity presented itself and Okuyasu was making his concerns known.
Okuyasu cared enough to finally say something, his friend was concerned, and Josuke's fears swelled within him. What would he even say? What would he even do? How could he express so much to him without losing it all?
Thank god his mom and Oku's dad went out grocery shopping, and thank god Okuyasu was still here being patient as ever with a reply.
Josuke watched Oku leaning in a little more than he first noticed, his heart picking up speed at the closer proximity. "Thank you, Oku. I appreciate it, I'm just trying to think of how to word this."
Looking back into Okuyasu's face, he regained some of that confidence. He saw there his best friend, who despite everything, was still here. Even when Josuke was so damn sure he wasn't despite how much he denied it. Josuke didn't realize his eyes were watering until a tear slipped past his control and he watched as Oku's concern only grew.
As soon as he noticed, he turned his gaze away, moving a hand up to wipe at his eyes as he tried to hold it in.
"Josuke?" Oku questioned, but he didn't receive a reply. He tried again. "Josuke, hey, it's alright, man." He placed a hand on the other boy's shoulder and gave a light squeeze. It took a moment of silence before Josuke met him full force, turning to hug him and hold him so tight, as if his life depended on it.
"Okuyasu, I'm so sorry." Josuke said, his head rested on his friends shoulder as he finally began to lose it.
"Sorry? What the hell are you sorry for?" Okuyasu asked, sounding a bit surprised still by the sudden change, but he wrapped his arms back around Josuke anyways.
"For worrying you. For letting this be this noticeable. I just, for so long, I just felt like, I dunno. Like I couldn't say anything, like I shouldn't cry about it, like I shouldn't worry anyone about it but it must be pretty fuckin noticeable huh." Josuke sobbed quietly, tone heavy with the emotion that weighed in his chest and swelled with each sob.
"Hey, it's alright. Like I said there's no wrong way to go about this and you know I'm here for you, bro. I wouldn't have told you I was if I wasn't." Okuyasu said as he hesitantly rubbed Josuke's back with his hand, trying to help him calm down and let it out. "I worry about you a lot, anyways, yknow? Like... a lot, a lot. I wear my heart on my sleeve a bit I guess but like, fuck. Where am I going with this? Never mind, just uh, just know I'm here for you, okay?"
Josuke's sobbing calmed down as he took in Okuyasu's words. Was he... was that, was that a confession too? "Oku, what was that?"
Okuyasu laughed nervously, hugging Josuke tighter, gaining confidence from not being able to see each other's faces, but still having each other's arms wrapped around one another. "I guess I uh... what I really mean to say is I care, a lot, about you, Josuke. I've been real worried about you ever since the hospital, I know things haven't been the same and I guess, I guess I love you. Like legit. I haven't cared this much about anyone in my life. Not even dad, or my bro, or stray cat."
Josuke couldn't believe what his friend was saying was real. And just as soon as his tears nearly stopped, they picked up again at full force. God he was so embarrassed, how could he cry this much? He hid his face in Oku's shoulder as he let it out, arms gripping tighter as if he never wanted to let go. And it'd be the truth.
"Don't uh, don't leave me on a limb here, I know you probably weren't expecting me to say something like this and I'm sorry if you don't feel the same, shit. You probably don't feel the sa--" Okuyasu started to say, but Josuke was quick to finally pull away just enough to smash their lips together forcibly. Okuyasu's eyes widened before he quickly melted back into the kiss, his hands pulling Josuke in closer despite how hard his friend was holding to him already. Part of the force behind Josuke's grip and kiss scared Oku, but the fact he was kissing him distracted him enough from questioning it.
It wasn't until Josuke dove in immediately after they broke away from the kiss to catch their breath for another soul crushing kiss that the alarm bells were going off for Okuyasu. This wasn't just a chaste, careful kiss. Josuke really meant this, or was just using this to hide, and he sure as hell wasn't going to mark it off as the former for the sake of kissing Josuke.
Reluctantly, Okuyasu moved his hands back up to Josuke's shoulders and started to push him away. It took a little more force than he would have hoped but Josuke finally got the picture. When they caught glimpse of each other, their hearts broke and reformed. Both tearful, emotional messes. Josuke looked so confused, and Oku was the one to speak again.
"Look, I, I wasn't expectin you to feel like that either? But I want to make sure that's what you want and not just whatever sort of other stuff is going on driving you to this, okay?" He started, watching Josuke look away but nod. "Above everything else I'm your best friend, and that's never gonna change. Never. But there's nothin saying you can't be more than just my best friend. You're such a great guy Josuke, even if sometimes you don't see it, I do. So many people would be dying to be yours--"
"Oku, please don't--"
"no really dude." Okuyasu spoke, but was interrupted by Josuke. He paused after he finished that bit to see that those words he used resonated with Josuke more, seeing fresh tears welling up in his eyes. "Hey, what's up?" He finally paused, allowing Josuke to finally get some words in.
Josuke finally looked back, so much pain in his eyes. "I never did tell you exactly what went down when you were napping during that fight."
Okuyasu blinked, but didn't make any sort of interjection, meaning for Josuke to continue.
"Okuyasu..." Josuke started, his vivid blue eyes not breaking away from the contact this time. "Back during that fight, when Kira... when he launched that bomb at you and blew a chunk out of your side, you should have probably been dying. I tried to heal you, I was so close to touching you to heal you but Kira made your body a bomb. I didn't want to believe him but it was true, I couldn't save you right away and by the time I healed you... You weren't responding to me, man. I lost it." He spoke, voice choking up in his emotion and cracking as his throat closed around his words. "I refused to believe you were gone. You were all fixed up, Crazy Diamond finally fixed you but I was so scared it was too late. I didn't wanna accept that. I didn't wanna believe you were gone because I, I care about you too." And by now, his tears were still flowing, and he could barely make out Okuyasu's form through the blurriness of his tears. "I care about you so much, I loved you, I didn't realize I loved you until it felt like it was too late. You didn't deserve this. You were protecting me, you were helping me out like always and I don't think I could have lived with myself if you died like that. I cared sure but I didn't know you felt the same and I just, ever since that happened, I've been just... I dunno."
Okuyasu watched his friend as he fell apart in his arms, his heart breaking for the internal struggles Josuke must have felt through all this. He could only imagine how much pain he would have gone through if the roles were reversed, that's why he changed the direction of Kira's blast. Josuke was able to heal him, but there was no healing Josuke after an attack like that. He didn't think about the consequence of his actions mentally on Josuke though. He just... didn't think, and even while he was right here still, he couldn't help but shoulder some of that blame internally too.
"Listen, Josuke. I'm, I'm so sorry that's how it went down. I guess it makes sense considering my dream now, I didn't think too much of it before. But I'm so sorry it's left you like this. If I had known, I might've changed how I went about this, if there was another way to go. Everything just happened so quick in that moment, yknow? I saw that he was going after you and I wanted to protect you because I, I cared too. God we're both just... it really took me almost dying for us to figure this out huh." He stated more as a fact than a question, tears in his own eyes, but he smiled in favor of giving into them. He wasn't about to be the mess for once, he wanted to hold it together for the sake of Josuke's sanity.
"I guess so. God we're both idiots." Josuke said as he offered a pained smile back before he wiped at his eyes some more. "I'm just, I'm just so glad you came back, that you weren't dead. God, I don't think I was ever so relieved to hear the sound of the Hand after all that went down and you just showed up again."
Okuyasu gave a small laugh and a shrug "Glad to have come to the rescue to save my damsel in distress!"
Josuke rolled his eyes "Thanks Oku."
"Anytime."
"But seriously though... on top of all this, you really mean you care for me too?"
"Of course." Okuyasu said as he gave a reassuring smile back to his friend. His smile only widened as he watched Josuke's expression light up at his response.
"Then, uh... Oku, would you like for us to be an item? Like, boyfriends?" Josuke asked, mustering the newfound courage but his tone was still tentative and nervous.
"I would love nothin more than that, dude. Honest. I wasn't kiddin around when I said all those things about how nice you were. Anyone would be lucky to be with you, I just can't believe you feel that way 'bout me too--" and Josuke was kissing him again.
It was a sweeter kiss this go around, one that wasn't tainted by whatever had been plaguing Josuke's mind prior. It was a kiss that was gentle, calm, as easy as breathing to them, just as their relationship had been up until the events after that summer had derailed it. It was promising, seemingly infinite, and warm as the blankets and each other's embrace that held their heat despite the cold season.
They stayed wrapped within the blankets and each other, the video games all but forgotten as a light flurry picked up outside.
Against all odds, they had finally gotten through their hardest obstacle yet, and neither wished to let each other go again.
They finally found the comfort they had both longed for in each other's warmth, and nothing else in this great wide wild world would matter.