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Dean and the demon circled each other. “You don’t realize just how badly you’ve screwed up here. I will make mincemeat out of you. I will cut you into tiny pieces and then bake you into a pie. Mincemeat pie.”
“I don’t have a fight with you,” the demon said. “Why are you getting involved? This has nothing to do with you.”
“You have a fight with my family, you have a fight with me,” Dean snarled. He lunged at the demon, knocking him to the ground. As he scrambled back up, he made sure to dig his heel into the demon’s gun hand. “Now let me explain something slowly and clearly to you. There is one true King of Hell. He goes down, my brother and me won’t let anyone else step up. Either Crowley rules in Hell, or no one does.”
The demon got up with a snarl, aiming the gun with his undamaged hand. It shook. “Crowley has ruined Hell. You’re one of us, yeah, I know your brother ‘cured’ you, which by the way I find very offensive since being a demon is way better than being human ever was, but you’re one of us. You rebelled against Crowley all the damn time. Why are you on his side when you could be out of the fight?”
“Because I don’t give a damn what Crowley’s done to Hell. He keeps you assholes from running rampant on Earth, all the crap that could be happening but doesn’t… and I care about Earth.” Dean punched the demon, dropping him to the ground again, and stomped on the other hand. He crouched beside the guy. “Crowley’s also my boyfriend, you complete and utter moron.” He stabbed the demon in the throat.
Crowley stepped over the corpses of the demons. “Well. Bloodier than I’d expected. Thanks for the help, lover.”
“You’re welcome. What’s got them so riled up now anyway?”
“Someone discovered that old stuff from way back when about Sam being the Boy King of Hell, and much like Abaddon, there are demons who will support anyone as long as they’re not me.” Crowley cleaned his blade on a jacket taken from a corpse. “I’m not worried about this one. A rebellion with a leader who’s completely indifferent to the rebellion isn’t going to go very far, and if Sam finds out about this rebellion, I would expect him to help me shut it down instead of encouraging it. Somehow I can’t see Sam wanting to rule in Hell.”
“Nope. He doesn’t agree with Lucifer. He’d much rather serve in Heaven.” Dean shuddered a little at the thought of Sam in Hell again. He’d spent more than enough time as an inmate. On the other hand, if Sam took over Hell… these demons thought Crowley was running it badly? They hadn’t seen a genuinely good man in charge.
Crowley’s silky voice snapped him out of his thoughts. “Oh is that what we’re calling it now?”
Dean paused in gathering corpses to burn to stare at Crowley. “Calling what?”
“You know.” Dean shook his head, and Crowley raised an eyebrow. “You don’t know?”
As much as he hated to admit there was anything he didn’t know about Sam, he had to. Of course, Crowley could be winding him up. He was good at that and loved the results. “Apparently not. What don’t I know?”
“You don’t know that your brother has the world’s second most obvious big fat gay crush on your pet angel?”
“Yeah, I know that, I have to live with the guy and it’s kind of impossible to miss whenever Castiel pops by,” Dean grumbled. “What’s that got to do with serving in Heaven?”
“Dean. Lover. Stop and think about that for ten seconds.” Dean shook his head, so Crowley started counting down. “Nine… eight…”
He’d made it to three before it hit Dean. “Thank you so much for those mental images. I did not need to think about Sam serving Cas like that.”
“You might want to think about it, because I’m ninety percent sure that one of these days one of them will figure out that the other’s in love with them and do something about it. Five percent says they figure it out but their ridiculous self-loathing successfully cockblocks them, and the other five percent is you get tired of it now that I’ve put it in your head and knock some sense into them.”
“Ugh. Well, at least they’ll be happy. If there’s anyone who’ll take better care of Sam than Cas, I don’t know who it is. Same for Cas.” Dean went back to gathering corpses. “Of course, if Sam ends up turning into an actual angel when he dies, I’m probably gonna punch something. Fair warning.”
“I’ll make sure Cas is closer to you, in the unlikely event that happens. It’ll probably be his fault anyway, so he’d deserve it.”
“Wait, second-most obvious? What’s the most obvious? I can’t imagine anything more obvious than Sammy.”
Crowley smirked at him and snapped his fingers, setting the corpse pile on fire. “Castiel’s crush on Sam, of course. How those two haven’t cottoned on yet, I don’t understand.”
“They’re both idiots who think they’re projecting. Remember? When I started flirting back with you, post-cure, you spent months thinking it was just you seeing what you wanted to see because you missed me. I basically had to tie you up and fuck you till you were screaming to get you to realize that I wanted you back too.”
“Or I was just seeing how far I could push you before you snapped and did something like that,” Crowley purred. “It was worth the wait, too, that was one of the hottest things I’d ever experienced.”
“You… oh, I hate you so much sometimes,” Dean groaned. “I am so taking that out on you when we get home.”
“Wouldn’t have it any other way, darling.” Crowley blew a kiss and snapped his fingers, sending the two of them straight to Dean’s bedroom.