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Connor could say that he hide the fact he was a deviant pretty well. No one in the precinct suspected a thing.
Well, they probably did. He got glances every now and then when he would do something or say something a little too alive-sounding. But seriously, what’s a background character going to do? Call Cyberlife? Connor doubted they would be taken seriously.
But, in all honesty, being one month old and having the whole internet at your disposal led to some dumb things. He enjoyed every second of it.
Connor bought a phone, one of the ones without that fancy pure glass screen, solely to make Tik Tok videos. Memes, if you will.
To himself, and no other creature that ever existed, he would admit he considered himself a bit meme-savvy.
“Connor,” Hank said, leaning over his terminal.
Connor schooled his expression into neutrality and pretended like he hadn’t been watching a Skyrim play through that destroyed the game with mods.
He struggled not to laugh out loud usually and most people ignored the facial acrobatics he went through if he wasn’t talking directly to them.
“Yes?”
“The fuck you need a phone for.”
He left his phone on the table. Its incriminating screen was thankfully blank. He panicked.
“Uh,” he said, smartly. Cyberlife’s most intelligent android his ass. “Pictures.”
Lieutenant leaned back a bit and raised his eyebrows suspiciously. Shit.
“Can’t you take pictures with your fucking fancy computer brain or something?”
“No,” Connor lied.
“You literally took all the forensics pictures at the last crime scene.”
Well, Connor liked to think no one suspected a thing. Hank, on the other hand, obviously did.
Reed did too, but he was loud about his conspiracies and obnoxious and no one really cared what he had to say.
Connor was also ready to crawl into a hole and die. He must have pulled some kind of expression because the Lieutenant immediately backed off.
“Alright, look, I won’t ask you anything- but-“
Then he lunged forward, reaching out to grab his phone.
Connor remembered he had a video saved of himself singing that god awful hit or miss song up last. He also had no password. If Hank opened his phone, the horrible music and the video of him dancing to that AWFUL song would blast, probably full volume, throughout the bullpen.
Being an android, and also superior to humans, Connor saw this outcome far before it occurred. So he grabbed the phone and kicked his chair so it rolled backwards into the desk behind it.
Officer Collin’s looked up from his computer in surprise.
“Connor,” Hank said threateningly.
“My auditory processing units seem to be malfunctioning. Are you telling me to run outside at full speed?”
“Wha- no, fucking hell- wait! Get back here!”
And so started the mystery behind Connor’s time online began and very quickly involved the entire police force. Connor turned his Instagram meme page to private out of anxiety that one of them would request to follow.
Unfortunately, Reed was the first to find a digital footprint.
“Hey Connor,” he said with his ugly voice, using his ugly face, and shoved his phone into Connor’s face using his ugly hands. “The fuck is this?” A ugly finger hit the play button.
It was a video of him from Youtube, with him falling off the second story of an abandoned building and remaking the iconic ‘I’m gay’ dude in the green screen suit vine.
Hank leaned over, hearing Connor’s voice from the speakers. Together, the three of them watched Connor attempt to slav squat properly, breakdance fairly well, and fall off a stairwell. The video ended.
Good times. North had filmed that nearby Jericho. But of course, Connor didn’t know any other deviants, and didn’t know Jericho, and also wasn’t a deviant. To the police’s knowledge.
It’ll buff.
“I don’t know who that is.” Connor lied.
Reed’s whole face blew up. “The fuck are you talking about! That’s you!”
Hank watched impassively.
“I scanned the face, and I can assure you that is a human who looks like me. I may have been based on this human’s profile.” Another lie, since Connor was made specifically not to look like anyone to avoid copywriter claims.
“Its got an LED!”
“Dedicated cosplayer. If you’ll excuse me-“ Connor gestured to his terminal, which had Terrira on half the screen, and Minecraft on the other. “I have work to do.”
Hank got the phone when Connor stepped into a meeting with Fowler. The whole precinct crowded around the desk as Hank opened it with utmost care.
It looked relatively normal if it was for a human. The background was Connor, posing with a dog.
“Look at his messages,” said someone, and Hank opened to messages.
There was a group chat named DILDO SQUAD with 11 unread messages, a message from JESUS and three messages from SOUTHWESTEAST.
“Holy fucking shit,” Hank said, trying not to laugh his ass off. He clicked the group chat.
The last message was simply a photo, from SOUTHWESTEAST. It was of that fucking cat that was laying on the stairs weird so it looked like it had no back legs, photoshopped to have beefy arms. Then badly edited once more to wear that coat Connor always wears and to say ‘My name is Connor. Mom said it's my turn to be the android sent by Cyberlife.’
Someone nearly died in the background, wheezing so hard.
He scrolled up more. JESUS was talking about trying to eat hot sauce and Hippie was talking about thinking that the world ended earlier. There were homemade memes. There was also a video.
JESUS: connor I found the video of u in that wallmart bro
Attachment: 1 Video.
Hank played it. Connor was in a cart, holding a huge foam sword, and across from him was a blonde android who was recognized as a common garden-housekeeping android. He also had a foam sword, and both of them had two unfamiliar androids holding onto the carts.
“All women are queens!” Hollered Conner, standing up in the cart. The female android behind him cheered.
“If she breathes!” Screamed the other one, standing up as well. “She’s a THOT!”
Both androids launched the carts at each other at full speed. Predictably, they both crashed into each other and were flung into opposite directions.
The video ended.
Connor: bro thanks i now owe u a life debt
Blondie Boi: oh bet
JESUS: i mean its not that deep bro but i have so many dumb videos youll need to contact cyberlife for more bodies to use lmafo
Connor: WEIRD FLEX BUT O K A Y
“What does any of this mean,” Detective Hale whispered. Hank did not know how to answer.
“Shits funny at least.”
He clicked out of the message app. A notification for Tik Tok came up.
“My niece has one of those!” Exclaimed one of the older detectives. She reached over and clicked it.
Immediately a video of Connor posing like he was a video game character with like, twelve nerf guns strapped to his body came up. On a tiny piece of paper, it said in perfect Cyberlife Sans: POLICE THOT
He did a little dance, then the video switched to another one.
There were so many videos of him dramatically saluting police and army videos. He wore a police uniform in one of his own and someone added to it, saluting him. Hank was terrified.
There was a lot of T-posing with other androids. There was a lot of Hit Or Miss. I bet they never miss, huh.
Halfway through another one with him badly dancing, Connor came out of the office. He was briefed on a very serious murder, suspected to be done by three deviants that were owned by a family.
He heard, from his phone, the cursed song. You got a boyfriend I bet he doesn’t kiss ya. (Mwah!)
Like a demon summoned from literal hell, like an anime character with that evil eye glint, like the android sent from Cyberlife, Connor snuck up behind them.
Whatever. Panic about them knowing his deviancy could set in later. Reed was the only one who saw him.
He immediately T-posed, to assert is dominance. Reed’s sudden sputtering and angry noises attracted everyone else to turn around, so he dropped his arms.
“Hello,” he said. “Please give me my phone back.”
“The fuck is going on?” Fowler shouted from his office.
Connor made eye contact. Tried to send a message with his eyes only. Please don’t rat me out. Pretty please.
No one moved. Well.
“Hit or miss. I guess they never miss, huh? You got a boyfriend, I bet he doesn’t kiss ya!” He whispered, so Fowler wouldn't hear, then pointed to Hank, who finished with the kissy noise.
“He’s gunna find another girl and he won't miss ya, he’s gunna skrt and hit that dab like Wiz Kalifa!”
This was all said with his normal, pretty flat voice, but that was usually a comedy advantage for Connor.
Reed shouted: “He’s a deviant!” at the same time Detective Martinez said: “Hank’s showing us this funny video, it’s nothing.”
Fowler massaged his head. Everyone glared at Detective Reed, for some reason.
“Stop accusing Connor of shit all the time!” Said one of them.
“Yeah, back off, Reed.”
“Detective Reed, my office, now.”
“Bu- I – pho-“
“Now, or hand in your badge.”
Dramatic! Connor always had taste for a little drama.
After the walls fogged up and dimmed for privacy he turned around to the crowd of skilled detectives.
“Thank you,” he breathed, letting his head drop into his heads. “Holy shit that was terrifying.”
“Yeah, we are definitely going to have a long conversation about what this-“ Hank waved the phone around. “-all means, but for right now your going to sit your ass down and show us the funniest ones.”
Gladly. He pulled up a video of him filming with the phone in his mouth and trying to wash his hands at the same time and tried very hard not to think about the fact that A) Everyone knew he was deviant and B) Despite being in the middle of a revolution, only Reed gave half a shit.
“Y’all should follow my Instagram and Twitter.” He said halfway through his Tik Tok page. “Shit’s way funnier.”