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He didn't have the luxury of getting to hear it from Jaebum in private, that being a conversation just between the two of them, or at least in front of the other members. No, Jinyoung got to hear it during an interview, the one place where he wasn't really allowed to react, he had to keep acting as if he was happy, as if he was okay.
But he couldn't, because all he could do was think about was the fact that Jaebum wanted to move out, was planning on moving out actually.
It felt almost intentional that he brought up it now, that he brought it up here.
Jaebum had talked about doing it before, about moving out that is. But he said that he didn't want to do that anytime soon, that he actually preferred to live with them all at the dorm. Yet, he knows exactly what pushed Jaebum over the edge to finally chose to move out, and follow through with it too, and that was all because of Jinyoung.
Because of his stupid fucking feelings.
He wasn't suppose to show how he was feeling, but it was hard not to clock out after that point, and he knew the others noticed it, and that Jaebum had too, but he was choosing to simply ignore it, because ignoring it was always easier than admitting that he was wrong. Things only seemed to downfall too, because Jinyoung got reminded of another fun fact: their dating ban was lifted. He knew the secret implications of those words however, and they circled inside of his head, taunting him.
They were free to date. Girls. Because a gay idol was practically unheard of. All Jinyoung could think of was many he questioned, wondering if they were in the same place as him. There was Holland who was out, Hansol, that kid from that one group that disbanded, that came out as asexual, and a handful of others. None of them ever made it big. None were ever from one of the Big Three.
Being stuck in his head only seemed to make things worse, and when Jaebum finally did decide to try and touch him he pulled away and gave him a glare, not even caring that they were live, Jaebum deserved it, he deserved all of Jinyoung's wrath and fury after everything. For choosing his career over Jinyoung, when Jinyoung never even forced an ultimatum on him. In moments, he was sure that he hated Jaebum, for being such a coward.
And poor Youngjae was his victim for the rest of the night, as he rubbed his leg. The physical contact serving as a distractor for is mind, and something to do with his hands, as well as a comfort for him, though he was probably compromising Youngjae's comfort, because as innocent as he seemed, Youngjae was smart and intuitive, and knew exactly what was going on, if Jaebum's glances weren't enough.
But he couldn't find it in himself to care.
It was hard for the bitterness to not over take him as he stormed into his bedroom, after they finally got to come home from all of their duties for the day, and it was so damn late at night, and he was tired. Not just tired from lack of a sleep, but a true exhaustion that pulled deep on his bones, his brain, and his heart.
He should have never fallen for Jaebum. No matter what he really felt, Jaebum was never going to admit that they were anything but friends, and really, it was like being friendzoned in the worst kind of way, because the feelings were there, he fucking knew it, and the least Jaebum could do was man up and admit them. But he wouldn't.
He didn't want to think about if Jaebum went and got himself a girlfriend now that they could. In a way, he dared him to sink to that level, it would be pathetic. But he dared any girl to try and go for Jaebum, because none of them would be able to handle him, not in the way that Jinyoung could. He was almost confident in his own self assurance in that no one could ever get to the level that the two of them had reached.
Who was the one that Jaebum had shared a bookshelf with?
Who was the one that the maknaes used as a tool against Jaebum?
Who was it that Jaebum allow to do the most amount of skinship with?
Who's bed was it that Jaebum would crawl into late at night?
Who's shower did Jaebum sneak into?
The answer to each and every one of those was Jinyoung, it was all Jinyoung, all of that was exclusively fucking Jinyoung, and yet, apparently all he was was a caring friend. Jinyoung should have still known that he wasn't special. Was that really it? Was he just not worth fighting over? Or had he always just taken it more seriously that Jaebum ever has?
He had thought that they were going to get somewhere, that maybe he could finally break through to Jaebum, but he couldn't not now, because he was watching Jaebum slip right through his fingers.