Chapter Text
31 July 1992
Dear Harry,
I wish I could be with you today to celebrate your birthday. That would have been so much better than to be stuck here at home, having scheduled play dates with Theo, Vincent, Gregory and Pansy. You would say I’m a bit old for play dates by now, being twelve and in boarding school, but my father doesn’t seem to understand that. He made it clear that they are the only persons I’m allowed to see this summer and I’m afraid to argue with father. He’s so angry at me. It seems that Theo had told his father about my feelings for you and his father told my father.
Father gave me the silent treatment for the first week of the holiday. He acted like I wasn’t even at home. He didn’t wait for me at the start of dinner and he would order the house elves to serve the next course before I could finish my plate. He would not even respond when I tried to talk to him. You remember I told you about the time I broke a very old family heirloom and how father didn’t speak to me for a month. Well, this was worse, back than he didn’t look at me like I was the biggest disappointment ever. He does now and that just makes me feel worse.
Father was already upset about the fact I only managed to become first in our year with potions. Mother had warned me about this before we arrived home from King Cross Station. She assured me that father would sure get over himself when he would realise that my grades are better than his grades ever were. We both hadn’t any idea that he was more upset about the fact that I’m a homosexual than he is about my grades. We only discovered this fact when I came downstairs on the first Saturday of the holiday with a letter I wanted to send to you. Father forgot all his manners when he heard me telling Mother that the letter was meant for you. Without a word he pulled it out of my hands and tore it into a million pieces. I must confess that I had tears in my eyes when he did this. Once he was finished destroying my letter he told me in an icy voice that I was not to contact you in any way and that it would be in my best interest to stay away from you if I wanted to continue my education at Hogwarts.
After this, father gave me a speech about how I was not to tarnish the Malfoy name and that Malfoy’s don’t fall in love, most of all not with someone of the same gender. I’m to finish my education without ever laying an eye on you again. Father also said he would start looking for a suitable girl, one who would be part of the sacred twenty-eight and who would have learnt all the proper ways to behave. A suitable girl for me to marry and have a son with, to continue the Malfoy line. Mother tried to reason with father, explain to him that there was no shame in having a male lover on the side, but Father wouldn’t hear her. Not that I want you as a lover on the side, that would never be enough for me, but to let them believe that, for now, would have made it possible for me to be with you.
I must confess that I cried myself to sleep that night. I had been so hopeful when you didn’t react badly to the small kiss I gave you on your cheek and now it all seems lost. I’m afraid I will never be able to be with you the way I want to and that hurts more than I expected.
I wish I could let you know why I haven’t written you any letters as I had promised. You know it’s not like me to break my promises and I assure you it is not for a lack of trying. I ordered Dobby to send you one, but he didn’t dare to. He said it was better if you wouldn’t hear from me, that the great Harry Potter didn’t need to get into trouble because of me. I think he is more in love with you than I am. Because I am, you know, in love with you. I think I have been for a while now.
Dobby keeps asking me about you, what you are like and if it’s true that you have defeated the Dark Lord twice in your short life. It’s nice to have someone to talk to about you, even if it is only with a silly house elf that always gets himself in trouble.
After Dobby refused, I came up with another plan. The next day I made sure I woke up before father and made my way to the owlery, only to find out that the door was locked. When I asked mother about it later that day, she said that father had locked it with charms and spells. This means there is no way I’m will be able to get in there without him finding out.
I also asked Pansy and Gregory if they could take a letter for you and send it, but they both refused. Pansy said I should forget about you. She agrees with father. She said that my feelings for you are wrong and that I should try to forget I ever had them. I think she hopes that she will be the proper girl my father will find for me so that she can marry into the Malfoy family one day.
Gregory was more understanding, but he also refused to send a letter to you for me. He said he would hate it if one of our fathers would find out and he would not be allowed to see me anymore. That it would do me no good if I would get isolated because of my predicament. Yes, Gregory used the word predicament, can you believe it? I appreciate his concern and his loyalty to me. He confided in me that he prefers to be my friend. He has never really like Theo and ever since Vincent and Theo almost beat you to death he has been wondering why he’s still friends with both of them. He also mentioned that he was relieved when I started looking out for you.
I sound like a girl, complaining about my own problems, although all I really want to know is how you are maintaining. How is everything fairing at your place? I hope your aunt and uncle don’t give you too much grieve. And I sincerely hope that you didn’t tell them that you are not allowed to use magic outside the boundaries of Hogwarts. I’m sure it will improve your living conditions by multitudes when you can threaten to harm them with your magic. I’m really sorry I can’t rescue you from them as I promised. You must be so disappointed in me right now. I don’t know why I keep screwing everything up. It’s like I do everything wrong when it comes to you. First I make you feel unwelcome at school and make your life a living hell, thinking you are just a pathetic half-blood. I’m sorry about that. I still feel guilty about that, if it hadn’t been for me, singling you out at the start of the year, maybe Theo would have never started to beat you and bully you. I know now that it was wrong for me to take out my own insecurities on you.
I really thought I hated you until that day I saw you smile during one of our flying lessons. I will never forget it, that bright smile on your face. You hadn’t smiled like that until that moment, you were always so miserable. But to see you smile like that, it made my heart miss a beat. I couldn’t stop thinking of you after that, I still can’t. I fall asleep with you on my mind and wake up thinking about you.
When Theo and Vincent beat you up so bad that you had to spend two weeks in the hospital wing, I lost my temper. I had never been so angry in my entire life. They beat you up only a week after I had told them to leave you alone. Sometimes I think it is because I told them to leave you alone, that they went after you harder than ever before. And I’m not proud of losing my temper with them, and it might have been better if I had, but I couldn’t help myself. I’m sure you have heard that Theo and I had a massive fight when you fighting for your life. Theo accused me of being bent, and the fool I was, I confirmed it and confessed that I love you. I can tell you, coming out as a homosexual towards your friends shows you who is truly your friend and who isn’t. And Theo falls in the last category. As you know Theo and I don’t talk to each other anymore if we don’t have to. He told me that I was disgusting and it’s clear that he never wants to be here when our fathers gather and force us to spend time together this holiday.
I still can’t believe we became friends after. I don’t know how you found it to forgive me for all my indiscretions, but I’m grateful for it. To get to know you, to find out that you are funny, smart and extremely kind was amazing and I’m sad that I can’t continue to get to know you better. Nevertheless, I can’t go against my father. I’m sorry I’m a coward, afraid of his father’s wrath. I really am. I don’t think I’ve ever felt remorse like this. I hope that one day I will get the change to explain to you why I had to let you go and we might maybe be friends again in the future.
One more thing, you were right. Writing it all out even knowing you will never read this makes me feel a little closer to you.
I love you and I miss you,
Forever yours,
Draco Lucius Malfoy.