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If there is any one thing Holly does not want to encounter before her first cup of sim-coffee, it is Artemis Fowl looking glum and resigned at her kitchen table. Artemis is not supposed to look resigned. Resigned means there is no hope left, means he has accepted that there is no solution to a problem, means he has decided to let the universe run its course with something he inherently disagrees with. A resigned Artemis Fowl makes Holly’s trigger finger twitch but, as much as she loves to shoot things, it also means shooting the problem probably won’t make it go away.
“So help me Frond,” she says, “You had better be having an existential crisis and not about to tell me the end times have arrived, or I swear--”
He lifts his eyes slowly, and she sees in them the very depths of his horror. "The trailer dropped," he says dully.
"The trailer," she repeats. Then she realizes what trailer he means. "D'arvit."
"D'arvit," sighs Artemis, and he flops his head down onto the table.
#
The trouble began with Trouble, specifically when he called Artemis and Holly for an impromptu meeting in his office.
“I know you aren’t going to like this,” the Commander had started, “but I’ve received a proposal from the Public Relations department. They want to speak with you both, and I think you should hear them out.”
“I was wondering why Chix was here,” said Holly dryly.
#
"I'm being honest because I'm your friend," said Chix, who had never once been regarded by Artemis as so much as an acquaintance. "Your public image is a disaster. Yes, it should be extremely helpful to have a human on our side as we move towards integrating our two societies. Except no, it isn't, because that human is a criminal mastermind with a history of being nasty to anyone who says a word against him."
Artemis lifted an eyebrow. Chix remembered abruptly that he was in the process of talking to said criminal mastermind with a history of being nasty, and changed tactics. "They think of you as a criminal, but we can change that. Give everyone a fresh perspective!"
"How exactly do you plan on changing my public image, then?"
Chix puffed his chest. "The ultimate marketing tactic. We release a blockbuster movie about your childhood!"
Holly had managed to remain silent until now, when she erupted into a fit of incredulous laughter. "You... you realize... he was worse as a kid, right?"
"Obviously we'll change things," said Chix sulkily. "It worked wonders for your character when you were played by Skylar Peat a decade ago, Holly. She got her fourth AMP award for that role, and you became the most badass captain in the LEP."
Holly suddenly found the situation a lot less funny. Artemis, unfortunately, understood fully the motivations behind the suggestion. Were the public image in question not his own, Artemis might have suggested such a campaign himself. "Revisionist history," he said dully. "Give me sympathetic motivations for acting cruel and they'll forgive the cruelty."
"You can't be on board with this," said Holly.
Artemis turned to her, his expression pained. "I am very against this," he said, but she also knew he'd already made up his mind not to stop it from happening.
#
Holly loads the trailer in the living room while Artemis finds the courage to slink from the kitchen to the couch. He stops at the sight of the thumbnail hovering as a high definition hologram above the coffee table. "What... is that?"
Holly has yet to figure that out herself. "Are we trying to sell the idea that the People also have angels on our side?"
"It looks like an advertisement for a particularly ethereal perfume. The type that my mother would buy.”
Now that he mentions it, Holly is pretty sure she's seen a perfume-selling billboard down the block that looks almost identical to this image. "Frond help us," she says, and presses play before she can think better of it.
#
For one minute and thirty-eight seconds, Holly and Artemis sit in dumbfounded silence.
The trailer stops. The elf is the first to brave an opinion. "It's... pretty?"
Artemis doesn’t respond.
"Lots of bright colours? And action. Humans love action."
Artemis takes a long, slow breath.
"And hey, they didn't age you up. That's a good thing, isn't it? Aren't humans always getting mad at actors who are the wrong age for the role?"
"Was I actually that small?" Artemis blinks. He thinks of his brothers suddenly, and their uncanny ability to wreak havoc every hour of every day. "Huh."
"You were minuscule," gloats Holly, despite the fact that eleven-year-old Artemis was almost exactly the same height as she herself had been then and still is now. "Did you see his big blue eyes?"
"He looks," says Artemis carefully, "like he needs a hug." His mouth curls in distaste.
Holly barely keeps down her snicker. "He looks like he needs a lollipop."
#
They play it again almost immediately. And then again. And again.
It’s like watching a train hurtle down the tracks towards its doom, but without the certainty of the inevitable crash. Maybe it isn't inevitable. Maybe the train will not wreck after all. Maybe this bold PR scheme will actually be a success. Maybe--
"Hold on. Is that supposed to be a neutrino !?"
"Possibly? I still don't understand why Butler has a magic bow and arrow."
"Bet you anything Foaly is building him one right now."
#
Foaly is indeed already building Butler the magic bow. Two weeks ago, one of Butler's contacts had gotten his hands on a movie still from someone on the production team. Butler made the executive decision that this was a weapon he needed as soon as possible, and called Foaly. Foaly agreed that this was a weapon Butler needed as soon as possible, and got to work.
At the time of the official trailer release, Foaly and Butler are already several hundred messages and three blueprint drafts deep into the project.
#
"Wait, is Root being played by a woman?"
"Root is being played by Dame Judy Dench and if he were still alive, he would be damn proud of it." Artemis pauses to meet her eyes. "She's the best my species has to offer, Holly."
#
"Wait, pause. Rewind. There!"
The image pauses on a close-up of a scruffy but not particularly hairy face. "Is... is that supposed to be Mulch?"
"He told me five-o'clock shadows are all the rage among the fanbase."
"What fanbase??"
#
"Okay, but get this," Mulch had said about half a day after news of the movie first broke. "I used to work in Hollywood, you know."
Holly narrowed her eyes. "Commit thefts, I think you mean."
Mulch gaped at her in exaggerated horror. "I would think by now you would understand just how much work goes into each and every one of my jobs, Holly. For shame."
She sighed. "Fine. You were in Hollywood. Why do I want to remember this?"
He wiggled his fingers gleefully. "I had connections. I still have connections. And guess what that means?"
"Oh no."
"Oh yes. I'm an official producer now. I'm gonna win an Oscar of my very own, and no one will ever forget the name Mulch Diggums."
"When Artemis finds out you did this, I'm not going to protect you."
Mulch crossed his arms. "He wouldn't hurt me."
"Yeah?" Holly mimicked his stance. "No way he'd let you off the hook, either."
Two days later, Mulch had his cover identity all set up and ready for a long stint in hiding from Artemis as soon as the movie was released.
#
If there is one thing Holly Short absolutely does not want to think about as she halts the holovid for the sixth time, it’s the fact that the LEPpr’s bold marketing plot might just actually work.
“If that was anything to go by,” she muses, “you may actually get away with passing as not a complete asshole.”
“Thanks,” says Artemis. “Those big baby blues will sure help sell the innocent-in-over-his-head story.”
“Better be lots of close-ups, then. And I’m still not impressed that I’m not anywhere. ”
“I thought you hated seeing yourself on screen. Didn’t you once tell me Skylar Peat had scarred you for life?”
Holly glares. “They had a better shot of Mulch than of me.”
Artemis leans forward to shut off the holovid projector before turning back to her. “That can only mean one thing, Holly,” he tells her. “Obviously, the best parts are yet to come.”
#
It turns out that Artemis is not the one that Mulch will need to hide from.
“Wait, look at this cast list. Arty? Who the hell is this thirteen year old white girl supposed to be playing???”