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It happens like this, in bits and pieces.
The first time, he’s young. Fifteen. He’s known for a while, but it hadn’t come up. Hadn’t had a reason to come up. Sure, he could’ve said something when he hit middle school and suddenly being friends with girls wasn’t just being friends, but… he wasn’t ready. So he tried to grin and bear the jokes, hoped one day things would level back out and he could just have friends again and no one would question their gender and what that might mean.
He knows he doesn’t like girls like that. He knows he likes boys like that. He knows this, but he doesn’t know what he wants to do about it. Better to keep it to himself until he knows for sure. It always takes him a while when he has to figure things out on his own, he’s always been better as a follower.
High school is somewhat better. People had calmed down some from middle school and it was possible to be friends with girls again. But it wasn’t as easy as it had been. Dating, like-liking people, rumors, crushes, who was sitting with who, all of that stayed and colored the dynamics. But at least he could have friends who were girls again without it automatically being snickered about.
That doesn’t stop his family. Steve, home from college for winter break, teasing him when he mentions he has a group project with a girl in his class and his protests that they were just friends falling on deaf ears. Shirley, also home from college, saying he’d been spending an awful lot of time with her from the sound of it and wouldn’t it be nice if he invited her over to meet the family? Aunt Janet smiling knowingly. Only Theo and Nellie stay out of it, for which he is grateful. He figures Theo doesn’t really care enough to get involved and that’s why, but Nellie, she was on his side. She believed him.
He’s sitting on the floor by Nellie’s bed, she’s sprawled along its length leafing through a magazine. She’s got music playing low on her stereo and they’re just sitting in silence. They do it a lot. Retreat to her room and just exist in each other’s company. It’s a welcome break from everything and everyone else.
He’s not sure what prompts him, just that it’s peaceful and it’s home and it’s safe. It’s Nellie. She’s got a glitter gel pen between her teeth and is staring in concentration at the magazine. Her hair’s up in a messy bun, showing off her new home-done second ear piercings. Aunt Janet had chastised her for it, fussing over her youth and the risk of infection, but Nellie had smiled and said it was just fine. She did as she pleased, the world had to bend in her wake. He’s always loved that about her.
She’s not going to judge him, she never would.
“Hey Nellie?”
“Hm?” She doesn’t bother looking up from the magazine.
“Can I tell you something?”
This breaks her focus. She sits up, frowning. “Of course you can.”
“I uh…” He’s gotten this far and now he doesn’t know what to do. How to say it. Does he just blurt it out? Ease his way through it? Use metaphors? What would even be a good metaphor?
“Luke?”
He realizes he’s been sitting there in silence for far too long. “Sorry I uh—I guess I don’t know what I want to say.”
She scoots to the edge of the bed, sitting cross legged and props her chin on her hands, resting her elbows on her knees. “Well, you want to say something right?”
He nods.
“How about you just say whatever comes to your mind first and if it doesn’t make any sense you can just try again?”
He nods again and takes a deep breath. “I uh… I’m… scared.”
She nods and reaches a hand out. He takes it gratefully. “I know,” she says, squeezing his hand.
He looks up at her, his other half, his twin. She loves him as he loves her. She believes him, she won’t judge.
“I’m gay.”
She doesn’t look surprised or upset. Not even a momentary wrinkle of anything across her face. Just a slow smile, spreading and lighting up. “I know,” she says simply.
He’s barely even registered that before she launches herself at him. Her arms around his neck, hanging half off her bed, trusting he’ll stop her from falling. She’s laughing and hugging him and saying, “I know, I love you.”
They stay like that for a while, he cries on her shoulder and she hangs off the bed, half in his arms. They both cry and laugh. Say I love you in words and in tears and in their embrace. When they finally part, Luke helping Nellie regain her balance back on the bed, both of their eyes are red and they’re sniffling, but they’re smiling.
“So you knew?”
She nods, wiping her eyes. “Yeah. I was just waiting for you to be ready to tell me.”
Of course she knew. How could she not? There were no secrets between them. She was just waiting for him, letting him be ready. There to catch him, always.
“Are you going to tell the others?” She’s asking, not judging. He knows she won’t think anything bad of him, no matter which way he answers.
He shakes his head. “No, I… I’m not ready for that.”
“Okay,” she says.
There’s a lot of almost times. When he gets his first boyfriend, or, sort of boyfriend. Boyfriend in the way closeted teens think of it. It doesn’t last and he has Nellie to help him through the heartbreak. From there it’s a lot of hookups and little else. He considers it again when he gets his first real boyfriend. Still in the closet, but committed. It might be the time to go ahead and let everyone know. But that ends too and he still hasn’t said anything.
The drugs take precedence and relationships take a backseat. He still hooks up, favoring one night stands over dating. The drugs get even more important and now he’s hiding so many secrets, but he’s bad at it. They come spilling out anyway. The whole family knows now, Luke, junkie, fuckup. They still don’t know he’s gay.
He doesn’t say anything. Lets them believe what they want. They don’t listen to what he says so why bother? They didn’t believe him when he said his women friends were just friends anyway. What’s the point in coming out? It’s not like he’s going to have a functional relationship. He doesn’t need to announce that between the attempts at getting clean and inevitable relapses he likes getting fucked by dudes. Life goes on like that for years.
The second time, it doesn’t really happen. Maybe it doesn’t count. He’s thirty-two and he’s at his twin sister’s funeral. He wasn’t planning on it, it just sort of happens. Emphasis on sort of, he doesn’t even say the words.
He’s sitting on a couch in Shirley’s home-slash-funeral home. He’s next to Dad, both of them stiff and uncomfortable. He can tell Dad is trying to reach out to him, talk about his sobriety, say that he’s proud. It’s nice, but it’s not the right time. He’s too busy thinking about Nellie to think about the fractured relationship with his father and what it means to think his dad is proud of him.
Theo’s arrival is a welcome distraction, though she comes in like a thundercloud. All dark and hungover. He makes an off color joke about heroin as a cure and it does little to set any of them at ease, though he finds it funny. It’s true too. He also wasn’t kidding about the beer and tomato juice, though the arrival of a pretty woman has Theo storming away from them and he suspects she’s going to be too busy with whatever this drama is to try it out.
He and Dad watch it unfold, unable to hear exactly what they’re saying to each other, but their closeness, the way they’re speaking makes it clear this is tension between two people who are involved to some degree. Then Theo snaps, “Fuck my day,” and storms off, leaving the woman alone and at a loss.
Luke feels bad, this is awkward enough and he’s just been watching it all unfold. He raises his hand in a little wave and sees out of the corner of his eye that Dad does the same. Maybe that’s where he got his miserable social skills from. God knows he could never charm anyone like Nellie.
Could.
He needs a distraction from that line of thought so he leans in and comments on Theo. Her being a lesbian, what had happened at Nellie’s wedding. Nellie had barely been able to breathe she was laughing so hard when she told him. He’d laughed too, able to picture exactly how it had gone down. Laughed harder when she told him how long it had taken Shirley to realize.
But Dad surprises him, says that they knew already. He and Mom. That Mom had guessed when Theo was only eight years old. And the look on his face when he says it. The way he’s looking at Luke. It has a weight and a meaning he doesn’t think he’s imagining. It feels like his dad’s trying to say We knew. We knew about you too. Your mom guessed about you, and we knew. It’s okay.
He doesn’t ask. He just nods. It’s enough that he thinks that’s what Dad was trying to say without saying. This day isn’t about him anyway.
He never gets to ask if he was right.
The third time is more like the first, he says the words. He knows he’ll be accepted. He’s not at ease, but he knows it’s okay. It’s after the house. After all the secrets come tumbling out, after they all confront the past and everything they knew but didn’t know. After he dies. After he comes back to life.
They’re all trying to be better to each other, the remaining Crains. They talk more, try harder. It’s a lot of work, but it’s worth it. They refuse to be fractured again, to lose another of their own.
“Hey Theo.”
She’s sitting on Shirley’s back porch sipping on a beer and nods in greeting. They’ve just had family dinner, a new thing they’ve been trying. Luke had moved back East, he didn’t want to be so far from Nellie’s grave. Steve was putting his money to use, traveling to visit more often.
Everyone else was still inside, but Luke had ducked out for a cigarette and a little peace and quiet. It looked like Theo had done the same.
She watches him light up and pulls a drag from her bottle the same as he does his cigarette.
They’re content in their silence, each nursing their preferred vice. Or, it's not his preferred vice really, but it’s his preferred legal socially acceptable if still frowned upon vice. No one begrudges him his smoking, not when they know what else he could be doing. He does make sure to do it outside and not around the kids though.
He watches Theo and starts to think. Wonder really. She and Trish are a thing now, officially, committedly. He knows she wouldn’t judge him, not for this. So why not tell her? What’s stopping him?
“Can we talk?”
She looks surprised, but nods. “How heavy is this gonna get?”
“Uh—“
“I just want to know if I need another of these.” She shakes the beer bottle. “Or something even stronger?” She cracks a smile.
He smiles back, huffing out a laugh. “Not uh, not that heavy I don’t think.”
“What’s up?”
He takes a long drag from his cigarette, looks out at the yard. Blows the smoke out slow and steady and looks back at her. Steeling his nerve.
“I’m—“ And he hesitates. Normal, he always struggles to get his words out when he’s nervous. But he swallows and takes another breath. “I’m gay.”
She stares, surprised. It’s not what she was expecting.
“No shit?” She asks it like a question, not sarcastic.
He nods, a little more antsy now even though he knows she’s gay too so there’s nothing to fear.
“Fuck, Luke.”
She stands up, surprising him. Leaving her beer behind and wrapping her arms around him in the first fully Theo-initiated hug he can remember her giving in years. Maybe even since they were kids. He’s quick to hug her back and soak in the reassurance.
They sit down together afterwards. Back to drinking and smoking, but closer now.
“Have you told anyone else?”
“I told Nellie—well, she knew. She already knew. But I told her years ago.”
Theo nods, listening.
“I haven’t told anyone else, but… I think dad knew. Dad and mom.”
“Why do you think that?”
“At Nellie’s funeral. You uh, we were talking about you. About what happened at Nellie’s wedding. He said mom guessed about you when you were eight and then he looked at me and… I dunno, it felt like he was saying mom knew about me too. They both did. And it was okay. So I dropped it. Didn’t really feel like Nellie’s funeral was when I wanted to come out anyway.”
Theo has a faraway look in her eye. “He said mom knew when I was eight?”
“Yeah.”
“Damn.” She takes another sip of her beer, then refocuses on him. “So what now?”
He shrugs. He isn’t sure.
“You gonna make a big announcement?”
He laughs then, but it’s a funny overwhelmed sort of laugh. “I’m not one for those.”
“I’m not either.” She hums and sips her beer. “Hell, you know how it happened for me.”
“Yeah.” He wants to ask how it was for her. He knows that everyone accepted her, but how did it feel? And how does it feel, being out? He wants to ask why she never told anyone. He wants to ask so many things, but he also doesn’t. He thinks maybe it’s better to let things be. She has her reasons just as he has his. That’s okay. Instead, he asks something else he’s always wondered. “So you didn’t know?”
“Hm?”
“About me?”
She shakes her head. “No. Why?”
“I just… y’know with your…” He gestures with his hand and she raises an eyebrow at him. “I always kinda wondered if you could… tell.”
“Nope. It’s funny you ask though, I was thinking the same thing. Why couldn’t I tell? Guess my gaydar and my hands are busted when it comes to you.” She pauses. “It makes sense though.”
He looks at her in question.
“I didn’t know, but now that I do it makes sense. Makes more sense than anything else.”
He’s only ever known himself to be gay so of course it makes sense to him. But then he thinks about her. About how he didn’t know about her and what he thought when he found out. Sure he’d been amused, it was a funny story. But he hadn’t been surprised. It had made sense. He gets what she means.
She downs the last of her beer and looks at him. “Don’t take too long or they’ll send out the search party.” Then she stands and makes her way to the back door, but she pauses just before she goes back inside.
He waits, unsure what she’s going to say.
She doesn’t look sure either and they stay like that a few moments, then she says, “Whenever you decide to tell them, it’s okay. It’s up to you. I’ll be there.” She steps inside quickly after that.
He smiles in thanks and looks back out over the yard. He feels at peace. More at peace than just the cigarette and the quiet. He makes sure to finish up smoking before anyone else comes looking for him, then follows in her footsteps to rejoin everyone.
The fourth time comes soon after the third. The time between each growing smaller. It’s the most nerve wracking to date. With Nellie, with Theo, even with Dad there was some amount of understanding he went into it with. Different understandings, but still. This is a group, a group that he knows will love and accept him, but it’s different, bigger, harder. He catches Theo’s eye before he speaks and he sees her expression change. He thinks she knows what he’s about to do. She nods to him.
“Hey, I uh… I had something I wanted to say.”
Maybe this wasn’t the best way to go about this. He’s used to speaking at meetings, having all eyes on him there. But that’s a place of no judgement where everyone else is just as fucked up. This is his family. He’s never been one to be the center of attention speaking to the whole family.
But he chose this. Thought it would be better to get it over and done with everyone now that he’s decided to do it.
It doesn’t make it any easier.
They’re all waiting on him to speak and he shuffles his feet, shifting his weight. He can feel his heart starting to race and the hair on the back of his neck standing up. Anxiety rising and rising and rising.
“I um. I’m not good at—at this. But. But it’s important and it’s a long time coming.” He’s sure they think he’s going to say something about drugs. But that’s not a secret. Everyone knows about that. They know how long he’s been clean, they all celebrate his anniversaries. This is something else, something they don’t know.
“I just… I wanted everyone to know.” He rubs at the back of his head and takes another breath. All of his nervous tics out at full display. He’s never been good at appearing confident, never really felt confident. He’s not sure how to put up a front of bravado.
“I wanted you all to know,” he tries again, a little repetitive, but that’s how it is. He’s trying. He thinks about Nellie. Say whatever and if it doesn’t make sense, just try again. He smiles, lets himself fill with the ease and the warmth of her memory. Of her love.
“I’m gay.”
And there it is. He’s said it.
Most of the faces looking back at him are shocked. But Theo’s smiling. She’s the first to come over and hug him and that seems to jolt everyone out of their silence. Suddenly he’s surrounded on all sides, in the center of a group hug and everyone’s voices are overlapping. He hears I love you a lot, but he can’t make out each individual person. It all blends together into a cacophony of love and acceptance until Theo starts to yell that she’s being squished and everyone finally breaks apart laughing.
He knows there’s going to be more talks about this, there’s no way Shirley will let him get away without some kind of interrogation, but it’s okay. The hard part’s done.
Leigh says she’s proud of him and he smiles. Kevin claps his shoulder and Trish asks him how he feels.
“Good,” he says, “Won’t miss everyone asking when I’m gonna get a girlfriend.”
He doesn’t miss how Steve and Shirley color a little at that, but he feels he’s earned the right to say it. Tease at them just a little.
“No, now we know to hassle you about a boyfriend,” Theo says. And he laughs. She does too and everyone joins in again. It feels good.
The fourth time isn’t the last time. It’s one of hundreds of times, thousands of times, for the rest of his life. None are as big as the first four, some are so small they barely get noticed. Some are hard, some are easy. It varies as much as the contexts in which it comes up. Meeting new people, introducing himself, getting to know one another. It comes up. He gets better at it, it doesn’t make him as anxious anymore. The anxiety never goes away fully, but that’s life. That’s how he is. That’s how society is. But he’s happy, he’s out, he’s living.
He isn’t sure when, but at some point he loses count. He only really remembers those first four distinctly. The hundreds, the thousands that come later, those are just moments in his life.
Bits and pieces, scattered through time.