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English
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Published:
2018-12-02
Updated:
2019-07-01
Words:
1,067
Chapters:
2/?
Comments:
14
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323
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Chrollo's Bible Camp

Summary:

Quwrof: if I keep repenting I can commit more sins and not go to hell

Crime Goku: boss I don't really think that's how it works

(The Phantom Troupe starts a group chat.)

Notes:

List of characters to make it easier to keep track of who's who:
Crime Goku: Shalnark
Quwrof: Chrollo
Palm Tree Samurai: Nobunaga
Sun's Fury: Feitan
Doctor Bitch: Machi
Papercut: Kalluto
gucci gang: Phinks
rooty tooty point n shooty: Franklin
succ: Shizuku
Boxing Mummy: Bonolenov
Bungee Gum: Hisoka
Pakunoda
Brother Bear: Uvo
Minime: Kortopi

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Chapter 1

Chapter Text

[Crime Goku] added [Quwrof], [rooty tooty point n shooty], and 10 others to [Phantom Troupe]

Bungee Gum: what’s this??

[Quwrof] has removed [Bungee Gum] from the chat

succ: why did you do that?

Quwrof: i dont like him

[Quwrof] added [Papercut] to [Phantom Troupe]

Quwrof: this is a child I found on a street corner and i like him more than hisoka

Papercut: Hi. I'm Kalluto

gucci gang: friendship ended with hisoka, now kalluto is my best friend

Doctor Bitch: aw, I sorta liked Hisoka

Crime Goku: Machi you just wanted that clown dick

Doctor Bitch: yeah, what about it?

Brother Bear: we're kinkshaming

Crime Goku: clown fucker

Sun's Fury: disgusting.

Doctor Bitch: oh, you're sure one to talk, little man

Sun's Fury: bitch fight me

succ: no! No fighting!

brother bear: shakira shakira

Crime Goku: @gucci gang please come get your twink under control

gucci gang: i do not control the twink

Sun's Fury: twink =/= submissive

gucci gang: it certainly doesn't

Pakunoda: Well that's something we all just didn't need to know.

Sun's Fury: what's big deal? Everyone knows we fuck already

Palm Tree Samurai: there are CHILDREN present

Minime: for the last goddamn time im not a child

Quwrof: Kalluto is. I think, anyways, he's short at least

Papercut: there are at least one children present, yes

Crime Goku: I can't believe this group chat devolved into this before I could even explain why i made it

Quwrof: really? You can't believe it?

 

[Quwrof] changed the chat name to [Chrollo's Bible Camp]

Crime Goku: what is it with you and jesus

Quwrof: if I keep repenting I can commit more sins and not go to hell

Crime Goku: boss I don't really think that's how it works

Quwrof: well shove your phone up your ass shalnark I'm reading about jesus

 

Brother Bear: hey shalnark you doin anything tonight ;)?

Crime Goku: oh no, nothing i can think of~

Brother Bear: you wanna come have some fun with me then?

Crime Goku: only if you promise you won't start blasting Barbie Girl this time

Brother Bear: but babe if I don't play the song I can't finish

Doctor Bitch: w h a t

Pakunoda: I'm gonna have to stop you two right there

Brother Bear: … oh this is the groupchat?

Crime Goku: oh. oh no

Boxing Mummy: wakey wakey big mistakey

Palm Tree Samurai: why is everyone here so goddamn horny all the time

gucci gang: you're just jealous cause no one will fuck you

Palm Tree Samurai: wh no?? excuse me??

rooty tooty point n shooty: it's because of your hair

Crime Goku: your ugly palm tree hair

Palm Tree Samurai: you think it's ugly??

rooty tooty point n shooty: yeah

Crime Goku: i mean definitely

Papercut: yes.

Doctor Bitch: lol yeah

succ: i don't think your palm tree hair is ugly, nobunaga

Palm Tree Samurai: thank you, shizuku

Crime Goku: it would be better if you just wore it down

Doctor Bitch: and maybe washed it sometimes?

Palm Tree Samurai: why would I do that

Doctor Bitch: you greasy fucker

Brother Bear: he's greasy and he's PROUD

Chapter 2: Judgement Arrives

Notes:

Surprise, bitch, bet you thought you'd seen the last of me

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Doctor Bitch: hey is Phinks dead

Sun's Fury: nah

Sun's Fury: he fine

Pakunoda: Are you sure…?

Pakunoda: He's just been lying there for a long time.

Sun's Fury: yeah, he do that sometime

succ: ...why???

Brother Bear: probably huffed too much gasoline

Crime Goku: I don't think Phinks huffs gasoline

Brother Bear: feitan does phinks huff gasoline?

Sun's Fury: maybe probably

Sun's Fury: idk what phinks do with his free time

Sun's Fury: he wake up before Chrollo gets here anyway

Papercut: yeah hey where is Chrollo anyways? He's late

Pakunoda: Yeah, it's strange. He should be here by now.

succ: did he get lost?

Palm Tree Samurai: that would be… weird. he definitely should know the way

succ: maybe he forgot we were meeting today

Pakunoda: Let's give him just a while more.

 

Quwrof: Excuse me. I found this phone on the sidewalk and it was open to this. Do you people know who this phone belongs to and where I could find him to give it back?

Crime Goku: oh huh so someone found Chrollo's phone…? Weird

Brother Bear: guess he dropped it somewhere

rooty tooty point n shooty: don't worry about it too much, he's just gonna, uh, "obtain" a new one when he notices it missing

Quwrof: … Chrollo?

Quwrof: so this

Quwrof: this is

Quwrof: you filthy spiders

Quwrof: I can't even go about my life without you people butting in to destroy it

Doctor Bitch: uhhh

Brother Bear: who dis?

Boxing Mummy: I think we've destroyed a lot of lives, you'll have to be more specific

[Quwrof] set their name to [JUDGEMENT]

JUDGEMENT: DO YOU REALLY

JUDGEMENT: NOT FUCKINH RECOGNIZE ME

Crime Goku: oh!! Chain guy?? Chain guy is that you??

Brother Bear: oh shit of course! That guy I fought??

JUDGEMENT: wh… I thought I killed you

Brother Bear: i got better

JUDGEMENT: I'm going to hunt every last one of you down someday. i hope you know that.

Crime Goku: good luck I'm behind 7 proxies

Papercut: good luck I'm 7

JUDGEMENT: are you really mocking me?

Crime Goku: are you really trying to be menacing?

Doctor Bitch: oh of course we aren't mocking you, why would we ever do that?

JUDGEMENT: fuck you

Doctor Bitch: not in your wildest dreams

succ: shalnark shouldn't you kick this guy out of the chat??

Crime Goku: should I? Maybe

Crime Goku: am I going to? Nnnnah

Crime Goku: this is fun

Crime Goku: I bet he's so pissed right now, its funny

JUDGEMENT: am I a joke to you people?

Sun's Fury: yes

JUDGEMENT: fine.

JUDGEMENT: i don't care, make fun of me all you want.

JUDGEMENT: I'm staying here and I am staying until you're all dead or locked up somewhere you'll never be able to hurt an innocent civilian again

Crime Goku: cool

 

[Crime Goku] added [Quwrof] to [Chrollo's Bible Camp]

Quwrof: Sorry I'm so late

Quwrof: I had to find a new phone and it took a long time to find someone with my favorite brand

JUDGEMENT: so your precious boss has finally arrived.

Quwrof: who's the new guy

Crime Goku: chain guy

Quwrof: oh

Crime Goku: don't worry about him

JUDGEMENT: I'm going to kill you someday

Crime Goku: sure you are, buddy

Crime Goku: sure you are

Notes:

I just got home from an anime convention, and while we were there me and my friend binge-watched HxH 1999 at our hotel room and joked about the Phantom Troupe a lot and, yeah, this happened!
Kurapika is probably kinda ooc but...whatever that's why I write comedies and not serious fics

Notes:

nobunaga just looks so greasy to me
I liked writing this. I'll Probably continue it (cause I don't have enough ongoing chatfics, lol ='D)