Chapter Text
They say Louis has an illness; it’s not a ‘cough, I’m sick’ kind of illness. No, this illness starts small but slowly pulls you deeper and deeper into the dark pit that is your own thoughts. Have you ever been in the ocean and had a wave crash over you? You roll under the water, under the mercy of the wave’s power until finally it allows you up to breathe. This illness is like that, only it’s a continuous cycle. You’re under its mercy, only allowed gasps of breath to slowly ease the burning of your thoughts. They call this illness ‘depression.’ Some people don’t like the term illness, but he did. Louis realized that all so-called illnesses are cured by 1 of the 2 choices, medicine or death. People told him love could cure it, but he didn’t believe that.. The only thing Lou believes about love, is that it is something that could take away the pain, not cure it. He believes you find someone whose demons play well with yours, someone that numbs the pain like the razor does. But once that person leaves…. who’s there to take the pain away? That thought alone closes Louis off to people; he doesn’t want to find ‘love.’ In all honesty, he’d rather be alone. His parents and therapists never seem to understand that so they decide its best for him to attend school. Louis doesn't understand why he needs school, just as much as his mom doesn't understand why he prefers being alone (he'll tell her one day, in a note, that being alone is better than being in a room full of people who don't understand him.) He doesn't have anything he plans on doing with his life, what talent or worth does he have to offer the world? School is just a waste of his and everyone else's time. Teachers call on him to answer questions, but he's too busy with his face in a book and ears plugged with earbuds to care what they're asking. Louis isn't dumb, he knows what he needs and aces test. Studying is a good pastime to clear his mind when he doesn't have a book to read. Then again so is his razor, but mum took his last ones. So studying is what it is for now.
These questions and thoughts circulate through Louis' mind on a daily basis, his therapist told him that speaking about his thoughts may help. She was also the therapist that told him "maybe life isn't for everyone." He only believed one of the two things she told him (hint: It wasn't about speaking.) There was another person that believed Louis should talk more, that person was Harry Styles. Harry liked to watch Louis when he was bored in English (that was every class, but who has to know?) He liked to watch the way Louis bit his lip in concentration, the way Louis nodded his head along to the beat of whatever song was playing through his earbuds. Harry likes to think Louis listens to the Rolling Stones and The Beatles, but also to Blink-182 and The 1975. Maybe he liked to think that because he listens to those artists, and maybe he has the slight hope that he and Louis have a lot in common. What Harry likes most about Louis is how courageous he is. At least Harry thinks he has courage. Anyone who gave up on life but is still surviving has courage. You couldn't change Harry's mind on that no matter how hard you tried. You also couldn't change the fact that Harry pines over a boy who doesn't want to be loved.
Harry's friends told him to get over it, told him that sitting in the back of class "studying Louis" wouldn't magically make the boy fall for him. Harry knew it wouldn't make Louis fall for him, but watching did allow Harry to get to know Lou a little better. Harry knows that on a bad day Louis chews his pencil and reads Will Grayson, Will Grayson. He knows on a better day, Louis reads The Book Thief and may even say "hi" to the teacher. Knowing this means that Harry can choose a good day to speak to Louis, he didn't care if it was a one-sided conversation, he just needed to speak to the small boy. So today as he walked into B123, he prayed to whatever god there was that Louis would be reading The Book Thief. And apparently there was no god because Louis wasn't reading The Book Thief, instead he was chewing his pencil and pulling out Will Grayson, Will Grayson. Harry slumped back into his chair with a loud sigh that had everyone turning their heads, Harry just rolled his eyes and crossed his arms over his chest (so what if he was pouting? He had the right to, didn't he?)
Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday were days of Louis chewing his pencil, but on Friday Louis said "hi" to the teacher and even left one earbud out. Harry could of squealed with joy, but that would have crushed his "masculinity" so instead he walked calmly - excitedly- to the desk next to Louis'. Harry smiled softly at the boy and decided that "Hi, I'm Harry" was the most appropriate thing to say, Louis' eyebrows were practically hidden under his feathered fringe at this point and he only nodded as an answer. The curly haired boy couldn't help the way his features changed to that of disappointment, but there was no giving up now, he pulled a pen and piece of paper from his bag and wrote "I know you don't like to talk, I think that's very brave of you, but I'd really like if you allowed me to at least sit by you." Louis read the sentence and couldn't help the small smile that spread across his lips, yet he wouldn't allow himself to say -or write- anything back. Speaking to this very attractive and apparently very sweet boy would mean more smiles and smiles lead to friendships and friendships lead to 'love' and love leads to pain. Yet, something about Harry interested Louis, maybe it was the fact that no one really tries talking to him (that's how Louis wants it but maybe Harry can be different. Maybe.) Louis took a chance and looked up at the tall boy, he took in the features of the boys face, he resisted the urge to run his hands through the curly hair and was that butterflies he got when the boy looked back at him? Harry smiled when he met eyes with Lou's and Louis found himself smiling back. And okay Louis does like green eyes, he also likes the fact that small fish could probably swim in the dimples decorating Harry's cheeks. In return, Harry liked the blush that was now decorating Lou's cheeks.
Days upon days were spent like this, blushes and dimpled smiles but no speaking. Harry was patient though, he knew Louis was fragile, it's not hard to see how broken someone is once you look into their eyes. Liam and Zayn still figured Harry was insane, still told him that he was pining after a boy he had no chance with. Harry still didn't listen, still didn't care what they said, they were wrong before and he would show them that they were wrong again. Little did Harry know, Louis thought he was crazy too, which is a bit ironic coming from a boy who medically has a 'mental illness." Louis just found it crazy that Harry was still trying to talk to him, multiple therapists had given up on him, but the giddy junior was still trying. There was things Louis didn't know either, like how his therapists gave up because they lack one thing Harry doesn't; hope. The thing,Harry saw what Louis didn't see in himself. Maybe thats why it's a great thing Harry watched Louis from the back of English. If given the chance, Harry can tell Louis all the things he sees that Louis doesn't. If Louis can see what he never did before, than he can escape the darkness that is his mind. If he can see the escape through the rolling wave that drags him down then there is no longer a need to gasp for breath for relief from his burning thoughts.