Chapter Text
Natsu had never been all that observant. Sure, he would eventually pick up on things when something big happened, but it often took him a while to notice all the little signs that something was wrong. Like the dark circles under Gray's eyes that never seemed to go away anymore or his sudden need to yawn every few minutes or his now sluggish movements. It took a couple of weeks for Natsu to put the pieces together, but he soon came to the conclusion that Gray was not sleeping.
He wasn't too worried at first. After all, the Galuna Island debacle had occurred only a few weeks before, and Gray had been completely blindsided when his past sprang out of nowhere to confront him again. If he was having nightmares or trouble sleeping, it was only to be expected. So Natsu simply resolved to keep an eye on him and went about his business as usual.
But the problem didn't go away, and soon there were signs unsubtle enough that even Natsu couldn't miss them. The fact that Gray's stripping had drastically decreased and he now peeled his shirts off slow enough for the eye to see was a little strange, but not a huge warning sign. But then there was the increase in his general clumsiness, where he would stumble over his own two feet or even walk into things because he was zoning out. There was his new tendency to drift off into restless sleep if he remained sitting for more than a few minutes at a time. There were those few times when he had screwed up and made stupid mistakes during jobs, and even that one time he had seemed to lose control of his magic for a moment. There was the fact that his normally precise and clean molding had become sloppy and uncoordinated.
It had now been nearly a month since Galuna, and Gray had shown little sign of improvement. Despite himself, Natsu was beginning to worry. He wouldn't come out and say so or ask what was wrong directly, of course. He and the ice cube didn't have that kind of relationship. But he had, on one or two occasions, casually dropped subtle hints that he had noticed something was up. Hints like "wow, you look terrible today, ice block" or "I don't think the ice princess is getting enough beauty sleep". Gray just grumbled in irritation and brushed him off, which was not entirely unexpected.
However, it eventually got to the point where Natsu finally asked him flat out if he was sleeping. Gray told him to mind his own business and walked away, and Natsu hadn't pursued the issue since. Every now and then he was tempted to ask again, but he knew there wasn't much point. Gray wasn't going to tell him anything if he didn't want to. Besides, more loving souls such as Lucy and Erza had begun pestering him about his sleeping issues lately, and Gray hadn't told them a thing.
The whole not-sleeping thing was bad enough, but Natsu had deeper concerns as well. When he started looking more carefully, he noticed that Gray was giving off a whole host of subtle but negative cues beyond that.
Gray was on edge, his eyes darting about at sudden movements or loud sounds. He would zone out for long periods of time, staring blankly into space, sometimes with a faintly gloomy look on his face. He was grumpier than usual, more mean-spirited than playful, yet he hadn't picked a fight with Natsu in weeks. And then there were the mood swings. One moment he was irritable and moody, and the next he would suddenly start being even nicer than usual. But worst of all were his eyes. His eyes had taken on a haunted, melancholy quality that disturbed Natsu profoundly.
None of these things were very pronounced or obvious. They were subtle signs that Natsu noticed when Gray made sudden, unusual movements or wore an expression that was just a little off. Something deeper was going on, but knowing that pushing Gray for answers wouldn't get him anywhere, Natsu bided his time and waited for an opportunity to press the issue.
His chance came one afternoon a little over a month after Galuna. He was sitting in the guild hall dying of boredom when he noticed Gray rip a job request off the board and head out the door. If Gray really thought that Natsu was going to let him go off on a job by himself when he was having so many issues, he had another thing coming.
"Hey, I'm going after the ice princess," Natsu told Happy, staring after Gray with narrowed eyes. "No way should he be going on a job alone in his condition."
"Yeah, he really hasn't seemed to be doing well lately."
Natsu nodded sharply in agreement and stood. "Why don't you stay here and bother Lucy or something." Happy opened his mouth to protest, and Natsu hurried to forestall him. "Look, you know how touchy he gets about this kind of thing. I have a better chance of getting him to tell me what's wrong if I go alone. He clams up even more when there are more people around."
"But I'm not 'people'," Happy grumbled.
Natsu smiled. "No, but you are one of his friends, so you still count."
Happy sighed and nodded. "Alright. Good luck, then."
"Thanks," Natsu said, ruffling the little cat's fur before bounding out of the hall.
He trotted down the street, swinging his head back and forth as he searched for Gray among the pedestrians hurrying about their business. When he saw nothing, he sniffed at the air instead. It was difficult to pick out Gray's scent in the crowd, but he found it after a few minutes of fruitless searching.
"I've got you now," he muttered.
He followed his nose, trying to push through the throng of civilians as politely as possible. Ignoring the occasional protest or curse, he hurried through the streets, eager to catch up with Gray. It didn't take long to realize the scent trail was heading straight for the train station. Maybe it wasn't all that surprising considering how many jobs were out of town, but that didn't mean he had to like it.
Natsu paused and debated whether he should turn back. He didn't take the train unless he had no other option, and he was already feeling queasy just thinking about it. But then he sighed and started moving again. His concern for Gray outweighed his aversion to transportation. The ice block had better be grateful.
As it turned out, the ice block was not very grateful. Natsu caught up to Gray as he was purchasing a train ticket, and when the dragon slayer called his name, his expression quickly went from surprised to displeased.
"What are you doing here, flame brain?" Gray asked sharply.
Natsu smiled winningly as he sidled up beside Gray and bought a ticket of his own. "I've decided that I want to become a train connoisseur."
Gray's eyebrows shot upwards. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
"Well, a connoisseur is someone who–" Natsu started helpfully, before Gray cut him off.
"I know what a connoisseur is, although I'm surprised you do. But just what do you think you're doing as a…'train connoisseur'?"
"I've decided that it is my new goal in life to ride as many trains as possible to see which ones will make me the least motion sick. This just happened to be the nearest train station, so it seemed like a good place to start. What a coincidence, huh?"
Gray looked thoroughly unimpressed. "In other words, you were following me."
Natsu hemmed and hawed and tried to look innocent. "Well, when you put it that way…"
He trailed off and swallowed as Gray fixed him with a baleful glare. Yes, there was clearly something bothering him. This wasn't their usual teasing banter—Gray was well and truly irritated. Natsu didn't know if it was just from the lack of sleep in general or because of something else.
"I don't need a babysitter," Gray said coldly as he turned away to board the train.
Natsu followed him anyway, grimacing as he stepped onto the moving contraption of certain death and anguish. He couldn't believe he was getting on this thing without being forced.
"Don't think of it like babysitting," he suggested as he followed Gray down the aisle and slid into the seat across from him. "We haven't been on a mission with just the two of us in a long time. Let's do it for old times' sake."
Gray threw him a suitably unimpressed look. "There's a reason we don't normally go on missions together when we don't have someone else to keep us in line."
Natsu coughed and looked away. "I wonder why that might be," he said, struggling to keep a straight face.
"Maybe because we usually end up fighting and destroying half the town."
He wasn't sure whether Gray was actually so tired that he hadn't picked up on the fact that Natsu was just messing around, or if he was simply continuing the banter. If he was joking, then he was wearing an impressive poker face.
"Well, this time I'll–" Natsu broke off abruptly, his hands flying to his mouth as the train lurched forward. His motion sickness roared to life with a vengeance, and he slumped over with a pitiful groan. "Ugh, kill me now."
"I think your days as a train connoisseur are numbered," Gray said dryly.
Natsu was relieved to see a spark of amusement in his friend's eyes, but another jolt of the train distracted him. He curled up into a ball and clutched his stomach.
"This is terrible," he moaned.
"Guess you shouldn't have followed me, then."
They lapsed into silence then, Natsu distracted by the waves of nausea rolling over him and Gray staring blankly out the window, lost in his own thoughts. The train ride seemed to go on forever, prolonging the torturous experience for as long as possible. Natsu was about to resume whining and ask if they were almost there for the fiftieth time, but noticed that Gray had fallen asleep, his head leaning against the window and his eyes closed.
Natsu couldn't really sleep while he was so nauseous, but he drifted in and out of consciousness, the journey becoming a bleary haze. It was during one of these periods of restless unconsciousness that Gray suddenly woke with a flail and a loud gasp, jerking Natsu back to wakefulness as well.
Natsu watched through slitted eyes, pretending to still be asleep. Gray peered over at him, but Natsu's feigned unconsciousness must have fooled him.
"Damn," he muttered, letting out a shaky breath. "Pull yourself together, idiot. You can't afford to fall apart now."
He clasped his trembling hands together and shook his head to clear it. Resting his forehead against the window, he stared sightlessly out at the passing landscape. His quick, shallow breathing gradually evened out, but he still didn't look happy. His mouth was twisted into a pained grimace, and his hands never quite stopped shaking.
Natsu wondered what he had dreamed of and almost blew his cover just to ask, but restrained himself. He didn't want to make Gray shut down before they'd even started. Besides, he had a pretty good idea of what Gray had been dreaming of, if Galuna was the issue.
He continued to surreptitiously watch Gray, although his motion sickness dragged him into uncomfortable periods of semi-consciousness from time to time. At one point Gray seemed to be nodding off again, but then he jolted upright and dug his fingernails into his arm. He clearly had no intention of going back to sleep any time soon.
Natsu must have fallen into an uneasy slumber eventually, because the next thing he knew, Gray was shaking him awake.
"Come on, flame brain," Gray said gruffly. "We're here."
Sure enough, the train had stopped moving. Natsu peeled himself out of his seat with some effort and stumbled down the aisle after Gray. He felt horrible and queasy and unsteady, and he cursed the very existence of the torture devices colloquially known as trains.
He groaned and lost his balance, lurching forward. And then suddenly Gray was there, hooking an arm around him and pulling him upright. Natsu blinked up at him in surprise.
"You're so pathetic," Gray grumbled without any heat, refusing to look at Natsu as he helped him off the train.
Natsu mumbled something unintelligible in reply. He expected Gray to push him away as soon as they exited the train, but his friend continued supporting him as they slowly made their way out of the station and down the street.
"I don't suppose you have any idea what this job is about, do you?" Gray asked conversationally.
Natsu moaned something incoherent that could almost be mistaken for 'no'. Gray snorted.
"It's just a routine operation. Some wannabe dark guild has been stealing magical artifacts from the town. It's not going to be a hard job, but we'll have to stay overnight." He glanced up at the darkening sky and frowned. "That was one long train ride. I guess we might as well check in to the hotel and get started on the job tomorrow."
Natsu was still too out of sorts to offer an intelligible reply, and Gray didn't press him for one. They stumbled down the street in silence, and Natsu leaned against his friend more heavily, feeling thoroughly miserable. His motion sickness was taking a long time to dissipate today.
Gray didn't complain, and Natsu wondered what had caused his sudden change in attitude. He had been short-tempered and irritable earlier, ready to bite Natsu's head off over any little thing. Now he was almost nicer than usual. It was weird.
Natsu breathed a sigh of relief as the hotel finally came into view.
"I'm sorry for snapping at you earlier," Gray mumbled, his eyes steadfastly fixed on the hotel up ahead.
Natsu stopped right there in the middle of the street, making Gray curse in surprise and stumble before coming to a halt himself.
"Who are you, and what have you done with Gray?" he asked incredulously.
"Ha ha, very funny," Gray muttered, tugging at Natsu to make him start walking again.
"Seriously," Natsu pressed, shaking his head to clear some of the train-induced fuzziness. "What's wrong with you?"
Gray grimaced and refused to look at him. "Nothing. Forget about it."
Sensing that Gray was getting defensive again, Natsu dropped the subject. He didn't know where this sudden change of heart had come from, and he wasn't sure that he liked it. Gray didn't apologize to Natsu, just like Natsu didn't apologize to Gray. If they felt the need to make amends for something, then they would say sorry in their own way, of course, but that way never involved coming straight out and apologizing. Especially not over something as trivial as being grumpy.
Natsu stayed quiet as Gray checked them in to their room, glad that his queasiness was finally starting to abate. He even managed to make it to their room without Gray's help. Gray unlocked the door, and Natsu collapsed onto one of the two beds.
"Ugh… That was awful."
Gray rolled his eyes. "Want to go grab some dinner?"
Natsu made an involuntary gagging sound. "No," he groaned. "Maybe later."
Gray raised an eyebrow. "You're saying no to food? Who are you, and what have you done with Natsu?"
"Ha ha, very funny."
"Alright, if you're still feeling so bad, why don't you stay here? I'll arrange a quick briefing with the mayor so that we'll be ready for tomorrow. I can outline any important information when I get back. No point in both of us being stuck in a boring meeting."
"Sounds good," Natsu agreed, relieved that he could skip the initial briefing. He always seemed to get stuck with self-important mayors who rubbed him the wrong way, and that made him liable to burn down their mansions. Not a good way to start off a mission.
Gray's lips twitched upwards into a half-smile, and Natsu got the feeling that his friend knew exactly what he had been thinking.
"I'll be back in a couple of hours, then. Hopefully."
Gray slipped out of the room without a backwards glance, and Natsu flopped over to find a more comfortable position on the lumpy bed. If he didn't move for like twenty minutes, maybe he'd feel well enough to eat. He wondered if he should wait for Gray or just find somewhere to eat on his own. Gray had not actually mentioned anything about his dinner plans.
It could just be an oversight, but Natsu suddenly wondered if he was planning to eat at all. He hadn't actually seen Gray eat much over the past few weeks. That didn't necessarily mean anything, of course, since he would eat at least some of his meals outside the guild, but Natsu had a bad feeling about it. Gray had mostly been picking at his food and saying that he wasn't hungry or had already eaten.
Pushing his worries aside, Natsu stared at the ceiling and waited for his stomach to settle. After half an hour or so, he headed out to find a good restaurant and proceeded to order half the menu.
When he returned to the hotel, Gray was already sitting on his bed, toweling off his wet hair.
"Oh, I didn't think you'd be back so soon," Natsu said.
Gray looked over at him. "Yeah, the meeting was short. This mayor isn't as longwinded as some."
"Have you eaten?" Natsu asked casually, his eyes narrowing slightly as he looked for any sign that Gray was about to lie to him. "I just got back from dinner, but if I'd known you'd be back so soon, I would have waited."
"Don't worry about it." Gray stood and disappeared into the bathroom to hang up the towel. "I ate while I was out."
Natsu bet that if he could see Gray's eyes right now, he would be able to tell that his friend was lying. No matter how short the meeting had been, Gray shouldn't have had time to sit through it and eat and shower all before Natsu got back from dinner.
"There's no hot water," Gray added as he reemerged from the bathroom, pulling a loose shirt over his head. "Doesn't bother me, but you'll have to heat it up if you want to shower."
Natsu wasn't interested in the state of the shower, but he did find it odd that Gray was putting more clothes on instead of taking them off. In fact, Gray hadn't been taking his shirt off very often lately. Natsu had the sudden suspicion that it might be because he didn't want them to notice he was losing weight.
"Hm," he hummed noncommittally, still frowning at Gray.
Gray eyed him warily. "Okay, then…" he said slowly. "I'm going to bed, so keep it down if you're staying up too late. I'll give you a quick briefing tomorrow morning before we get started on the job."
"Let me just take a shower, and then I'll go to bed too."
"Good luck. It's a death trap in there."
Natsu rolled his eyes at the melodramatic pronouncement, but he soon realized that Gray hadn't been exaggerating at all. The shower was a tiny, slippery box barely big enough for Natsu to fit into. Grumbling at the ridiculously small space, he completely forgot about Gray's other warning and turned the water on full blast. The ice-cold water hit him full force, and he yelped in surprise. As he hastily tried to back out of the shower, he slipped on the tile and fell, slamming into the floor and banging all of his limbs into the wall on the way down. He cursed loudly as he scrambled back to his feet and tried to heat the water with his fire. It was trickier than he anticipated, and he just evaporated the water into a cloud of steam. It took him several minutes to get the temperature right.
When he stumbled out of the bathroom twenty minutes later, Gray was sitting on his bed laughing.
"I'm glad you think it's funny," Natsu muttered.
Gray grinned, his eyes sparkling with mirth. "Did you just get into a fight with the shower and lose?"
He started laughing again, and Natsu glared at him. His body ached all over, and he suspected that he would wake up with an impressive collection of new bruises tomorrow.
"Never again," he grumbled, climbing into his bed. "Will you please shut up?"
"Sorry, sorry," Gray said breathlessly, trying and failing to get his laughter under control. "But seriously, you would find it hilarious if you were the one in here listening to you. All the banging and thumping and swearing made it sound like you were in a fight for your life, and you were just trying to take a shower."
Natsu cracked a smile. "Alright, it was kind of funny," he admitted. "But you aren't the one who's going to be black and blue tomorrow. And I thought trains were bad."
"I take it that becoming a shower connoisseur isn't on your to-do list, then?" Gray had finally stopped laughing, but he still sounded far too amused.
Natsu groaned and sighed. The whole 'train connoisseur' excuse hadn't been very well thought out to begin with, and he had the feeling that Gray was going to tease him about it for a long time to come.
"Yeah, yeah," he muttered. "I thought you were going to sleep."
"Kind of hard to do with you wrestling the shower as loudly as possible."
"Okay," Natsu said with a sigh, wishing that Gray would stop ribbing him already. "Sorry I kept you up. You can turn the light off since you don't have to suffer such grievous battle wounds."
Gray's bed squeaked as he stood and crossed the room to turn off the light.
"Oh, how far the mighty Natsu Dragneel has fallen," he said as he returned to his bed and slipped under the covers. "Now even a shower is considered a worthy opponent."
Despite his irritation, Natsu smiled into his pillow. The shower thing had been kind of embarrassing and more than a little painful, but he had to admit that it was pretty funny too. And it had put Gray in better spirits. Natsu hadn't heard him laugh so much or so genuinely in weeks.
"Goodnight, ice princess," Natsu said firmly, his tone making it clear that this conversation was over.
Gray obviously picked up on it, since he snickered for a few seconds. "'Night, flame brain."
The terrible train ride had left Natsu exhausted, but he grudgingly forced himself to stay awake. This was the perfect chance to see what was going on with Gray's erratic sleeping habits, and it wouldn't do to fall asleep now. Of course, he wasn't going to learn anything if Gray didn't think he was asleep.
Natsu evened his breathing with an effort, and even added in the occasional fake snore to make his performance extra convincing. He watched Gray through carefully slitted eyes.
Not much happened at first, but after several minutes, Gray sighed softly and sat up. Drawing his knees to his chest, he dropped his chin onto them and stayed in that position, unmoving. It was hard to tell in the dark, but when the clouds shifted and a sliver of moonlight slanted through the window, Natsu thought that Gray looked as if he was waging some kind of internal debate.
Gray finally came to some sort of decision and lay back down with a sigh. Natsu continued to watch him, but although he tossed and turned for a few minutes, he fell asleep surprisingly quickly. With how tired Gray had been lately, Natsu had assumed that he must be having trouble falling asleep. Maybe this was a fluke, or maybe the problem was something else entirely.
Natsu forced himself to stay awake for a little while longer, but when it became clear that Gray was well and truly asleep, he let himself drift off.
He couldn't have been asleep for more than a couple of hours when he was woken by a muffled cry and loud thump. Startled awake, he shot upright and peered about the darkened room blearily.
"Gray?" he asked, noticing that his friend had fallen out of bed and was now curled up in a ball on the floor, his breathing harsh and ragged.
Gray slowly lifted his head. The iridescent sheen of unshed tears glittered in his eyes.
"Go back to sleep," he said hoarsely, extracting himself from the tangle of bedding. Throwing the blankets back onto the bed unceremoniously, he sat down on the mattress.
"Like I can fall back asleep after all that. It sounds like you just lost a fight with your bed."
The words were meant to be joking, but Natsu's voice came out more worried than teasing. Gray noticed and sighed.
"I'm fine. Look, I'm sorry I woke you up, but seriously, go back to bed. We still have a job to do tomorrow."
Natsu's eyes narrowed. "Are you?"
"Am I what?"
"Going back to sleep."
The resulting silence confirmed Natsu's suspicions. With a yawn and a sigh, he stretched and padded across the room to sit down cross-legged in front of Gray.
"Natsu…"
"This is getting out of hand," he interrupted. "I kept letting it slide because I figured you'd work things out on your own, but it's been over a month now. Since you aren't planning to sleep anyway, we're going to talk."
Gray looked thoroughly taken aback. "Seriously, I'm fine–"
"You aren't 'fine'. You haven't been sleeping. Your magic is sloppy and halfhearted, I don't think you're eating, and despite the fact that you've been unusually irritable, you haven't picked a fight with me in weeks.
"You've been jumpy and nervous, you keep zoning out and getting these really depressed looks on your face, and your mood swings are horrendous. Sometimes you're ready to bite our heads off over any little thing, and then suddenly you're being unusually affectionate. Hell, you apologized to me. You might think that you're doing a good job of hiding how scared and sad you are, but your eyes are a dead giveaway."
Gray let out a shaky breath and looked away. "Who knew you could actually be so observant? But you really don't have to worry so much."
"Well, I'm worried as hell, so you're going to tell me about these nightmares of yours," Natsu shot back, unwilling to back down. If he didn't press the issue now, he might not get another chance.
Gray drew his knees to his chest and wrapped his arms around his bent legs. "I don't want to talk about it."
"I don't particularly care," Natsu countered harshly. "And until you start talking, I'm going to keep taking guesses. It's not like I don't have some idea of what's going on. This whole thing began after Galuna, so that's as good a place to start as any. I guess I'd probably have nightmares too if there was a demon rampaging around destroying everything I cared about. So let me guess, the nightmares have something to do with Deliora. Perhaps your family? Or Ur? Should I keep going?"
Gray sighed heavily and dropped his chin onto his knees. "It's stupid," he muttered.
"It's clearly not stupid if it's bothering you so much. We all have nightmares sometimes. It's natural, not stupid."
"It's just so annoying. They haven't been this bad in years."
"Well, what did you expect? Of course they'd come back after facing down that demon again." Another thought occurred to Natsu, and he frowned. "They haven't been this bad in years?" he echoed. "How often do you normally get these?"
Gray shrugged, but his body was still trembling and his breathing was shallow and ragged. "Depends. They were really bad after my parents died and for a year or two after Ur… But after that, I didn't get them so often. I mean, I still get them around special occasions: anniversaries, birthdays, holidays. You know, any day that had a special meaning for us. They aren't that bad the rest of the time."
Natsu's eyebrows shot up. "Anniversaries, birthdays, and holidays? So like half the year?"
"It's not that bad. Death anniversaries are the worst. Some of the holidays are worse than others, and birthdays are only bad if I think about them."
"Is your birthday included in this?"
Gray winced, and Natsu felt his heart twist.
"Sometimes," Gray said noncommittally, clearly unwilling to expand upon that point. "But really, it's not usually that bad. A nightmare now and then isn't a big deal. But ever since Galuna… They've gotten worse."
When he didn't volunteer what the nightmares were actually about, Natsu decided to try a different approach.
"And where does the not-eating thing come in?"
Gray started in surprise, and a guarded expression settled over his face. "I eat," he said defensively.
"Look me in the eye and tell me that you ate dinner tonight," Natsu challenged.
Gray hesitated, confirming Natsu's hunch. He was very good at hiding things or using half-truths to deflect concerns, but he was surprisingly bad at straight up lying. His eyes usually gave it away, so Natsu always knew to be suspicious if Gray wouldn't look at him while he was talking.
Natsu decided to cut his friend a little slack and not make him admit that he had lied earlier. "I'm not saying that you're starving yourself or anything, but I haven't seen you eat much over the past few weeks. You mostly just pick at your food."
"I eat when I'm not in the guild," Gray said sulkily.
"Do you?" Natsu asked, raising an eyebrow.
Gray didn't respond for a moment. "Sometimes."
"So why haven't you been eating?"
Gray shifted and let out a breath, and Natsu knew that he had finally worn him down.
"I do eat, just not as often. I can't always stomach big meals, so I end up just eating a little bit now and then instead."
"Why?"
"It's just…" Gray sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "Think of it like your motion sickness. You don't always want to eat when you've just gotten off a train."
"Yeah, because I'm nauseous. But you don't get motion sick."
"No, but sometimes the nightmares make me sick to my stomach, and I can feel queasy and out of sorts for hours. And if they're particularly bad and I spend the day brooding over them, I don't usually have much of an appetite either."
"And we've worked our way back to the nightmares again," Natsu said mildly, trying to keep the worry out of his voice. He was starting to think that he had severely underestimated the problem and its side effects. "It seems like everything can be traced back to them. So. Tell me about these nightmares."
Gray hesitated and Natsu was worried that he was going to shut down again, but then he took a deep breath and started talking.
"Well, you've already figured out part of it. I mean, Deliora and everything… I was just a kid, you know? I watched it tear my home apart, and it was terrifying. And God, the screaming."
He curled in on himself, eyes going glassy, and his voice wavered. Natsu gritted his teeth to stop himself from leaning forward and hugging him. Hugging wasn't something they did, but Gray sounded so broken and lost.
"And it killed my parents. I watched that too." Gray looked at Natsu with haunted eyes. "I watched it kill them. And then I had to watch Ur use iced shell, and that was almost worse, because it was my fault. She shouldn't have even been there, but she was. It was horrible. Have you ever seen anyone turn into ice? One minute she was there and the next she was cracking, and then she was just gone. And it was my fault and–"
He broke off with a shuddering breath and tried to surreptitiously swipe at his watering eyes. Natsu opened his mouth to say something—anything—to wipe that broken look off his friend's face, but Gray kept talking.
"So yeah. There's a lot of nightmare material there. I've had nightmares about that stuff for years, and I kind of know how to deal with them. But now there are new ones."
Natsu swallowed thickly. "What 'new' nightmares?"
For a moment, Gray didn't answer.
"I've always kept my past and present separated," he said finally. "Compartmentalized. The past is over and done with. My parents, Ur and Lyon… They should never have come into contact with you guys. I never told anyone about them because I wanted them to stay in the past where they belonged. Yeah, there were the nightmares and I still thought about the past a lot, but I kept it separate from my life in Fairy Tail.
"But with Galuna… It's like my past suddenly came back to haunt me again, but this time it pulled you guys in too. And now that my past and present have gotten all tangled up, they've started mixing in my dreams too."
"What do you mean?"
Gray stared blankly into the darkness, and the heavy silence dragged on for a few minutes before he stirred again.
"The first time I came face to face with Deliora, I watched it destroy my home and kill my family," he said, his voice strangely flat. "The second time, I watched Ur sacrifice herself to seal it so that she could save me and Lyon after I stupidly started a fight I knew I couldn't win. The third time…"
"The third time, it was destroyed," Natsu said gently when Gray trailed off.
Gray smiled bitterly. "That's beside the point. Deliora destroyed my first family. It destroyed my second, adoptive family. And it came very close to destroying my third family."
Natsu felt his breath catch. "Gray…"
"You don't get it," Gray interrupted. "This is all because you were such a damn fool."
"Me?"
"What were you thinking, getting in front of me like that so I couldn't use the damn spell? I thought you were going to die! I've seen what Deliora can do—I've fought it before. I watched it kill my friends, my family, my master. Its fist was coming down on you and you were going to die, and it was going to be my fault because I should have just used the goddamn spell, but you were in my way."
Gray was becoming more and more agitated, his body shaking all over as his words tumbled out in a jumbled, unfiltered mess. Natsu stared at him, horrified, his mouth opening and closing soundlessly.
"I was so sure that I was about to watch everyone close to me die again. It's like that demon made it its goal in life to take everything away from me. And I didn't know how I was going to be able to live with that. I can't–I can't keep losing people like that, Natsu. I can't. You should have just let me use the spell, because I needed to know that you were all going to be okay. But I couldn't and it was going to be my fault and–"
Natsu couldn't take it anymore. Lunging forward, he wrapped his arms around Gray and pulled him close. Gray hesitantly hugged him back, and then dissolved into tears.
"It's okay," Natsu soothed. "We're okay. We're all still here."
"I know, but you almost weren't."
"But we are," he insisted. With some surprise, he found himself blinking back tears of his own. "Besides, do you really think we would have been any better off if we had to watch you use iced shell to save us?"
Gray exhaled shakily. "I know it would've hurt. It would hurt like it hurt me when I watched Ur use it. But I couldn't sit back and watch you die either. My whole life people have been sacrificing themselves for me, and I can't watch that happen again."
Natsu bit his lip, working up the nerve to tell Gray about one of his own private demons.
"I've had nightmares too," he admitted. "Where I have to watch you use that damn spell. I told you that I didn't want you to die. I'm not sorry that I stopped you."
Gray didn't say anything for a moment, but then he sighed quietly. "Natsu, after Deliora fell apart and we realized that Ur's ice had destroyed it, why did you think I was crying?"
Natsu blinked in surprise at the tangent. Sure, he remembered when Deliora had died and Gray had actually cried and thanked Ur. He was just surprised that Gray was voluntarily bringing up the incident.
"I don't know," he said slowly. "Because she managed to kill Deliora, I guess. Since she killed the demon, you didn't have to use iced shell. I'd say that's something to be thankful for."
Gray wriggled out of Natsu's grasp and sat back. His eyes still shimmered with moisture, but he wasn't crying anymore. He met Natsu's gaze solemnly.
"Because she killed Deliora, you didn't die when its fist was coming down on you. I wasn't thanking her for my life. I was thanking her for yours."
For a moment, Natsu couldn't breathe. Then he averted his eyes and blinked back some more tears.
"Stupid," he said gruffly. "You're supposed to thank her for both. That's how it works with friends. You were scared that we would die, and we were scared that you would die. You can't get stuck on that whole sacrificial thing. Friends are supposed to live together."
Gray tilted his head so that his face was hidden by the shadows. "I know. But if it comes down to it…" He shook his head. "You guys weren't usually in my nightmares before. That's what I meant earlier. The past was nightmare material, and I kept it away from the present. Now that you guys got involved, I have nightmares about you too. It's bad enough with my parents and Ur, but now I have to keep watching all of you die too. And then I wake up and I don't want to go back to sleep, because I always get dragged into another nightmare.
"I keep thinking that I should take a few days away from the guild so that you all don't see how badly I'm falling apart, but I have to go. After the nightmares, I have to go make sure everyone's okay. It's usually my fault that you die in my dreams, so I'll be feeling really bad about it. Sometimes it makes me snap because I feel so bad, but then I'll feel even worse, and then I have to make it up to you because I shouldn't be taking things out on you and who knows if you'll even be here when I next wake up, and–"
Gray broke off and took a deep breath before he spiraled into panicked rambling again. Natsu had clenched his fists so tightly that his nails were digging into his palms. He was used to seeing Gray strong and confident and maybe a touch arrogant and annoying. He wasn't used to…this.
He was so distracted that he almost failed to make the connection, but then it hit him and he found the words spilling out before he could stop them.
"That's why you were being so weirdly nice after we got off the train, isn't it? Because of your nightmare?"
He immediately wished that he could take the words back, but it was too late.
Gray stared back at him, his expression unreadable. "I thought you were asleep," he said flatly.
Natsu chuckled nervously. "Uh, yeah… About that…"
An awkward silence stretched between them, but then Gray shook his head.
"Guess it doesn't really matter now that I just had a major meltdown on you. But yeah. It's hard to stay angry at someone when you just watched them die in your sleep."
"Sorry," Natsu mumbled to the floor.
"It's fine."
They sat in silence for several minutes before Natsu spoke again. "What do you normally do after your nightmares, then? I mean, since you don't go back to sleep."
Gray rested his chin on his knees again. "Depends. Sometimes I just lie in bed and stare at the ceiling. Sometimes I find something to keep me busy around my apartment. A lot of times I end up wandering the streets." One corner of his mouth twitched upwards in faint amusement. "People think you're crazy if you're roaming around town at four o'clock in the morning, but there aren't that many around to judge you."
"And what are you going to do now, since you've had another one?"
"Since I'm in a hotel room in an unfamiliar town, I'll probably just sit here. Go back to bed, Natsu."
"Yeah," Natsu said unenthusiastically, but he didn't move. He didn't want to leave Gray sitting here in the dark by himself. "Can I ask you something?" he said after several minutes.
Gray rolled his eyes. "Why not? You've been asking me things all night."
"Why are your birthdays the worst for your nightmares?"
Gray's head jerked around as he looked over at Natsu sharply. "I never said–"
"You didn't have to."
He didn't answer immediately and Natsu thought he was going to brush off the question, but then he sighed again.
"Because my birthday means that I've survived everyone else for another year. It means that even though my parents and Ur are dead, I'm still alive. It means that they won't see me grow up and change. And…" He hesitated, as if debating whether or not to continue, but then forged on. "It's a reminder that I should be dead. I should have died when Deliora killed everyone in my home, and I definitely should have died when I hunted it down and challenged it. But someone else always died in my place: my parents, Ur. And I feel bad because they should be alive, but instead I'm the one that's still here. And thinking like that is an open invitation for nightmares."
Gray stared at a point off to Natsu's left, refusing to look at him. Natsu felt sick. He didn't understand how Gray could blame himself for everything bad that happened, or how he could always be so strong even with all this secret guilt eating away at him.
"Gray… The things that happened to you… They're horrible. But that doesn't mean they're your fault. And you know, we all like you a lot, and none of us wish you were dead. I don't want to hear that you're thinking like that." Natsu hesitated. "I told you that I didn't want you to die," he added in a small voice.
Gray finally met Natsu's gaze again when he heard the slight waver in his voice. He tried to smile, but it came out wrong.
"It's okay, flame brain," he said gently. "I'm not going anywhere."
"You'd better not. But… You know, we aren't going anywhere either. These nightmares of yours sound horrible, but when you wake up, we'll still be here. We're not leaving you."
Gray's smile was a little more believable this time. "Yeah. Okay."
"Now, we have a job tomorrow," Natsu continued, his voice taking on a steely edge. "So you're going to go back to sleep."
"Natsu…"
Natsu scooted forward and pushed Gray over to forestall his protests. Gray made a startled sound as he fell back and his head hit the pillow.
"No, this is nonnegotiable. You have to sleep." Natsu paused. He knew why Gray didn't want to go back to sleep, but it was slowly killing him. "Look, I'll stay right here until you fall asleep, okay? And when you wake up tomorrow, I'll still be around."
"I'm not a child," Gray grumbled, his gaze sliding away from Natsu's.
"Well, if that's how you want it…"
Natsu made as if to slide off the bed, but stopped when Gray's hand shot out and wrapped around his wrist. He hid a smile and settled back into his previous cross-legged position. Neither of them spoke again, but Natsu remained seated on the bed and Gray's fingers remained curled around his wrist.
Gray had twisted so that he was facing away, and Natsu knew that everything they had said and done tonight would never be verbally acknowledged again. That was how they worked. But both of them would remember, and Natsu hoped it would do Gray some good.
After several minutes, Gray's breathing evened out and his grip on Natsu's wrist relaxed. Natsu considered going back to his own bed to sleep, but decided to wait here a little longer to make sure Gray didn't wake up again. He watched his sleeping friend carefully, but Gray's slumber seemed peaceful enough. For the moment, anyway.
If this was what it took for Gray to get a good night's sleep… Natsu considered the possibilities. He could drag Gray out on more jobs with just the two of them. And perhaps Lucy would be grateful if he started crashing at Gray's apartment instead of hers. He would have to be as subtle as possible, of course, because neither his nor Gray's pride would allow for anything perceived as pity aid. Natsu would come up with plausible excuses and find ways to irritate Gray along the way.
But they would both know what the other meant, even if they wouldn't admit it out loud.
In the end, Natsu stayed by Gray's side all night, hoping that his presence would ward off the nightmares. Maybe if Gray could somehow sense that Natsu was nearby, he wouldn't have to dream of his death. Maybe if he knew there was a friend who cared beside him, he could forget about his guilt and pain long enough to find a peaceful sleep. Natsu wanted that for his friend, so he stayed.
After all, he had said that he would still be there when Gray woke up.