Chapter Text
“It's such a damn shame,” Frank said as he flopped down on the couch next to Charlie, who was watching the security tape of Mac's dance for the thousandth time since Frank purchased it from a guard at the prison. “Poor kid came out to Luther months ago and still hasn't found anyone better than Dennis to break his heart.”
“Yeah man,” Charlie answered.
“The guy's like a lovesick puppy. We gotta find him someone to date to crush his soul, so he knows what love is really like.”
“Wait? Crush him? What're you talking about?”
“Don't act like you don't know, Charlie, you did the whole love thing, no how bad it sucks. Now Mac ain't got a lot of money, but he's looking pretty good lately. Since he's gay, he can probably just be the chick who uses a dude for money. Sucks for the chick too, you know, they gotta put up with a lotta freaky sex shit. And tons of cheating.”
“Wait, wait, wait, what're you talking about? Yeah, things between me and the waitress ended bad, but I still think love can be cool. Why don't we just find someone nice for Mac to date?”
“Cut it with that hopeless romantic shit, love never ends well, rarely starts well.”
“But then why would we want to make Mac do something that sucks?”
“Equality, Charlie! Even gay dudes deserve to know the rush of destroying someone you thought you loved slowly over time!”
“You've got love all wrong! What about Roxy?”
“The dead whore? That was all jealousy and lust!”
“You're a bitter old man, Frank!”
“Maybe, but we should still find Mac someone who'll break his heart.”
“You do that, I'll find Mac someone to actually fall in love with.”
Frank tried to continue his anti-love rant, so Charlie suggested a rousing game of Night Crawlers. They turned off the TV and wrapped themselves in blankets and played until they were both tired enough to go to sleep.
The next day, Charlie started his quest. He started by interrogating Mac when they were alone in the bathroom, but in a nice way with no pseudo-torture. Asked if he'd been on any dates, what his type was, if he was a top or a bottom, what he masturbated to, if he liked bears since he was so obviously a twink, and so on. Naturally, Mac got annoyed enough with the invasive questioning to leave in a rage.
Obviously, that didn't go well. Onto his next best source, Dennis.
“Hey Dennis,” Charlie said as he left the bathroom just moments after Mac. “Frank said we gotta talk about the books today, meet me in the office?”
“What the hell do you guys gotta talk about not around me?” Dee immediately argued.
“You're just the waitress!” Charlie shouted immediately, on edge from his failed conversation with Mac.
“And you're just the janitor!” Dee shot.
“Shut up, Dee! If Frank wants me and Charlie to go over the books, we will,” Dennis said in a surprisingly calm tone.
“How the hell is Charlie supposed to go over the numbers when he can't even read them?”
“I can too!”
“Okay, okay, enough!” Dennis shouted. “Charlie, let's go in the office.”
And so Charlie hurried to the office before he and Dee could fight some more and Dennis joined him, locking the door behind them.
“This is about Mac, isn't it?” Dennis asked immediately.
“How'd you know?”
“You're a terrible liar. Mac just left the bathroom shouting about you, plus Frank would never want the two of is discussing the books together.” Dennis shook his head fondly before asking, “So, what's up?”
“I want to find Mac a boyfriend. Frank was going off about love not being real and shit and how Mac deserves to know first hand but I think Mac should find real love.”
“Well, first off, Frank's right. Love's not real. But yeah, I'll help. It'll get Mac to lay off me for a bit. I haven't been able to get laid in forever because he's always cockblocking me. What's the plan?”
“I dunno, dude. I was trying to figure out what kinda guy Mac likes, but Mac like totally stone walled me back there. I thought, since he's in love with you, you could help me figure it out.”
“Knowing he's in love with his best friend for more than twenty years who may read as queer because he doesn't shy away from femininity because he's secure in his masculinity is not enough evidence to find Mac's type.”
“Okay, but like, I'm his best friend too and he's not in love with me.”
“Yeah, because you're disgusting. And you do not come off as gay in any way. You barely come off as straight.”
“I don't need your help if you're just gonna shit on me!”
“Hey, hey, I'm just trying to be objective and honest.”
“Fine, okay. So talking to Mac didn't help and you don't think we should find out what he likes about you,” Charlie sighed and shrugged. “What should we do?”
“We'll do what we do best, we'll devise a plan of attack. Work with me and we'll get Mac laid in a week tops.”
“What if he's not a top?”
“Don't be disgusting, Charlie, not what I meant.”