I.

Pick Me

Cute.                                                                                                                                                                                                    

That was the first thing Daniel noticed about Park Jihoon.

The younger looked absolutely adorable in the white retro outfit him and his co-Maroo trainees wore for the evaluation. Ah, but he wasn’t just cute. Park Jihoon was talented as well. He was one to watch for sure. However, there were ninety-nine other trainees who were gifted with looks and talent and Daniel musn’t focus on one trainee.

And he didn’t. Daniel mingled with others, got to know them, learned from them, and befriended them. Jihoon was at the back of his mind. They hadn’t interacted much but their gazes would catch one another from time to time. Daniel would give a friendly smile and Jihoon would reciprocate.

That was it. They weren’t friends, they weren’t complete strangers. They simply lingered in the same space and that was all the connection they had.

---

Enigmatic.

Park Jihoon was enigmatic, Daniel realised. The younger was cute, but beneath that lay someone much more than a mere flower boy. Beyond the veil of his charm when he’s on-camera and on-stage was a man who knew how the world worked. He wasn’t just cute. He was strong-willed, hardworking, calculating, and kind.

Daniel got to know him better when they got into the same team. Jihoon was reserved; playful at times, his face was blank when no one’s watching, but his eyes would light up when in attention and his facial expressions were true and bright.

It was fascinating –the different sides of him.

Before Daniel knew it, he found himself paying attention to Park Jihoon more often than he can control. That habit spanned even when they debuted in a group.

Because he feared that if he turned away for even a second, he’ll miss something new about Jihoon.

II.

Energetic

Beautiful.

Daniel always thought that Jihoon was good-looking. ‘Handsome’ wasn’t even enough to describe him. Jihoon was a visual god –managing to masterfully change his image from one to another so effortlessly and naturally. Often times he wasn’t even trying. Jihoon could simply be talking and he will still look like a work of art. Daniel knew that the fans and audiences could appreciate Jihoon’s looks for sure. But what they don’t see was Jihoon behind the bright lights and the elevated stage.

Jihoon on-stage and on-cam was captivating, but Jihoon within the confines of their respective privacy was beautiful.

And not just on the outside.

Jihoon was beautiful inside and out and how Daniel wished that more people could experience, could take into account, just how so. Because what was already out there wasn’t enough.

For Daniel, nothing was ever enough when it came to Jihoon. Words were not enough to describe him and cameras couldn’t get close to truly capture Jihoon’s beauty as a person –as a whole. Daniel felt grateful to have met someone like him and he wanted to cherish all the time he had with the younger.

It was unintended, but he found himself gravitating towards him.

---

Terrified.

Daniel loved all of the members of Wanna One. He couldn’t be happier having them as his band mates. They were fun, hardworking, and loving as well. They’re family and he wouldn’t trade them for anything and no distance will be enough to separate their hearts.

He loved each of them greatly and equally… but it seemed he loved one differently.

Rather, he began to love one differently.

Physical attraction was a given because who wouldn’t fall for Park Jihoon’s ethereal looks? They see him every day and yet there were times where his beauty still had them in awe. Their eyes would linger on him longer and it was normal and unavoidable.  But Daniel knew that his attraction went beyond a platonic turn along the way. It was a crush, he can acknowledge that much –a simple admiration because Jihoon was good-looking and a great guy.

Daniel enjoyed his time with the younger. But he found himself feeling something deeper than a simple admiration.

He began to love him.

Perhaps it all began when they were entwined by the shared experience of bearing the weight of being number 1 back in Produce. There were no hard feelings between them and they remained good friends. People around them were amazed at how there wasn’t any friction between them and commended their personalities.

However, Daniel deep inside felt that there was friction, but not in the way they thought. For him, the friction between them caused a spark that kindled a special bond between him and Jihoon. But Daniel will keep that to himself. He needn’t say it, because he knew Jihoon understood.

Only he understood.

Or it could have even begun with their gaming sessions that lasted until ungodly hours. They’d talk along the way and before they knew it, they found that they’re in tune with one another. They don’t have the exact same likes and dislikes, but they matched regardless. Through their hobby did they learn how each of their minds’ worked. They adjusted to complement each other’s style and thinking, to the point that the two of them harmonized with complete ease.

It didn’t take long for them to communicate without words and sync each other’s actions with little to no thought.

Maybe it was when Daniel, despite the mind numbing and body breaking schedules, could remember every little thing about Jihoon. He remembered that Jihoon loved loose fitting clothes, his favourite colour was pink, he’s fond of plush dolls, and a lot more. When Daniel would forget to even have a snack, he’d remember Jihoon didn’t go out much and maybe he should try to coax him out once in a while –live a little.

It wasn’t just him remembering the other; Jihoon also began leaving messages, asking how he was, if he’s eaten already, if he’s getting even a wink of nap. And it was at that point that Daniel felt his stress alleviating –to know that the person occupying his mind also thought of him just as so.

Perhaps it was when they began having their own world. That bit was only mentioned to him by the other members, particularly Jaehwan and Seongwu. If they hadn’t brought that apparent fact up, Daniel wouldn’t notice. He and Jihoon certainly hadn’t meant to isolate themselves in their own bubble when they play around or when they simply converse with each other.

It’s just that… it became automatic that when they regard each other, Daniel gave one hundred percent of his attention to Jihoon. He couldn’t notice anything else and it wasn’t deliberate. He didn’t mean to ignore the others, or pass over them, he apologised when a member would point out afterwards that they got into their own world again but they simply chuckled good-heartedly and took no offense.

However, it made Daniel realise that he’s losing control.

He couldn’t control how his hands would seek the younger. He couldn’t control how his eyes would drink in the image of Jihoon. He couldn’t control his happiness from even the simplest action Jihoon did. He couldn’t control how his mind would commit even the smallest things about Jihoon to his memory. At this point, Daniel knew Jihoon as if they’d known each other for decades.

It seemed that the more time they spent together, the more the shroud was lifted –the more he saw Jihoon. And every time he did, the deeper Daniel went under.

It was at that point that a small amount of fear budded inside him. It wasn’t the right time for love.

He was afraid.

But he won’t run from it.

III.

Nothing Without You

 

“What are we, Daniel?”

It caught him off guard. Daniel never expected that Jihoon would be the first to ask that.

His heart pounded yet his gaze remained firm upon the person before him. They were on the carpeted floor of the dorm room where they spent their late evenings gaming. Daniel thought it will be like any other. They’d enjoy their hobby, finish up, and then go to bed.

But it wasn’t.

After Jihoon moved over closer up front to turn off the console and pack up, the younger turned back to Daniel with a gaze he knew meant that Jihoon had something to say, he anticipated that much. But he hadn’t anticipated Jihoon’s question.

“What are we, Daniel?”

They were… friends. Close friends. Daniel honestly considered Jihoon as someone he’s closest to but then something else bloomed in his heart for the younger and Daniel went with it because he didn’t think Jihoon would catch on. The younger just didn’t seem the type to think about that possibility.

Although, Daniel had to admit he did very little to hide his more than platonic interest.

He didn’t fight his urge to frequently lay his hand on Jihoon’s knee or thigh as if he’s taking claim.

(Jihoon went from getting flustered and a little confused to him accepting it with same amount of casualness)

Daniel openly showed his happiness and laughter for the things Jihoon did no matter how simple.

(Jihoon got annoyed at first every time Daniel laughed at him but now he found himself laughing along)

He’d give the younger little gifts and treat him out to eat or see a movie. Some of those things were fairly friendly and casual but he’s guilty that there were times where he showed more intimate and special attention to Jihoon than the rest.

And he’s sure that his smile towards Jihoon was different from his usual happy self, anyone who’s known him for a while would see the difference.

Daniel’s not a novice when it came to romantic feelings. He knew what he’s doing. But the difference was he had to be careful. They were idols. In the same group no less. Daniel already accepted that nothing will come out of his little efforts and Jihoon will be left in the dark.

He was happy in getting to express it in the simplest measure, which was what Daniel convinced himself.

That was the plan. Show his love discretely, take care of Jihoon, and expect nothing in return. No promise of reciprocation whatsoever.

Daniel had that laid out and was prepared.

However, he wasn’t prepared when Jihoon began getting more comfortable with his touches, returned his sweet smiles, and enjoyed his company more so than a friend. Their once brotherly playful interaction was now intermingled with soft gazes, gentleness, protectiveness, and keener attention towards each other.

He wasn’t prepared when Jihoon showed signs of reciprocation.

Daniel noticed it for sure but he chalked it up to Jihoon being his kind self.

He didn’t want to hope. However, Daniel’s guilty that he did indulge in the fantasy, especially in that one episode of Happy Together where they waited for the 101th person to leave. He couldn’t help but indulge in the moments where Jihoon gently wiped the corner of Daniel’s lips, where Jihoon fed him, where Daniel casually and naturally placed his hand on Jihoon’s knee more frequently than he had before. The laughs he shared with him, how he had to explain the jokes to Jihoon, and just merely having Jihoon next to him.

Daniel loved every moment of it because it was on-camera. Jihoon was comfortable enough to show how he was –how they were behind the spotlight. How close they truly were. It made him think that they were a real couple.

Yet that was all it was: a fantasy. Jihoon couldn’t truly feel as strongly as him, can he?

But then, that question came up.

‘What are we?’

It was apparent that the younger could sense that there’s something different between them. They were no longer just good friends; they went beyond brotherly too because how they were towards each other was very different from how Jihoon and Woojin were, different from how Daniel was with Jaehwan and Seongwu. And more than just a hyung and dongsaeng who got along well because an example of that would be Jihoon and Jisung and even Jinyoung and Minhyun.

He and Jihoon were different.

Without realising, they became something more.

Daniel looked at Jihoon who sat kneeling; the television’s light behind him made him glow, and no matter how stressed they may be, Jihoon still managed to look picture perfect. Daniel should be daunted by such forward question but he’s an honest man who didn’t back down. He knew in himself that what he felt was real and it was clear that Jihoon felt the same if that bold question was anything to go by.

If Jihoon’s taking a step, Daniel will take the whole leap.

“If I told you I wanted to be more than friends… will you allow it?” Daniel asked with an unyielding gaze.

Jihoon looked at him as if a big weight had been lifted and for a moment, hope sparked within Daniel. But then a sense of melancholy shrouded Jihoon’s expressive eyes and the hope seemed to die down once more.

“You know we can’t…” Was all Jihoon said before getting up to leave. Daniel saw the action before the younger even made the move and so he caught him by the wrist before Jihoon could walk any further.

Jihoon still had his back towards Daniel. He knew the younger was conflicted and probably won’t even look at him, but Daniel didn’t want to let go just yet. He let his hand slide down from Jihoon’s wrist and down to his hand. He held on loosely, giving him the option to let go and walk away… but Jihoon didn’t. Instead, he returned the hold –their hands fitting each other perfectly.

Daniel gave him a second –to look back at him, but Jihoon remained as he was. It was alright, Daniel understood that it was in Jihoon’s nature to keep his armour up and not let anyone so easily divest him of it.

But Daniel needed answers –he needed an assurance.

“What am I to you?” Daniel softly asked.

The assurance that he’s not in this on his own. The assurance that he’s got a chance.

The smaller hand encased by his tightened its hold and Daniel could see Jihoon take in a breath before answering. “You’re my favourite hyung…”

His answer made something in Daniel waver, but before he could come to an assumption, Jihoon finally turned back to him and he looked vulnerable.

Jihoon took another breath before answering once more.

“My favourite hyung who listens to me, stayed with me even when you could be anywhere else, you know what I like and you do your best to give them, you understand me and support me even when I don’t say anything… You’re my favourite hyung who made me feel special and loved…”

The younger’s eyes glistened with unshed tears he refuses to let go and once more Daniel could see the night sky in his eyes. He took in the sight of him as he did with his words.

Daniel was right; Jihoon did feel it and he grew to return them.

But what’s stopping them?

“Then why can’t we…?” Daniel voiced out. “We can keep this between us.”

“Can we? Can we really…?” Jihoon asked –quietly demanding. Uncertainty was evident in his voice and it’s etched on his features. For a moment Daniel took the time to really stop and think… he knew himself and subtlety wasn’t his thing. He’s not as good as Jihoon when it came to concealing what he felt. Daniel’s pretty sure he’s glared a lot every time Jihoon was with someone else and his forced smiles were damn clear.

If he and Jihoon became a thing… then Daniel’s not sure he can control his possessive self any better. But when he’s been gifted by the knowledge that Jihoon did feel something, nothing else mattered to him. He’ll find ways to cover them and whatever else it took to conceal what’s between them when they’re out in public.

“We can.” Daniel promised, tightened his hand around the younger’s and stepped closer. As he looked further into Jihoon, he could still sense the hesitation in him. It took a while before Daniel understood.

Jihoon did feel something for him… but it wasn’t enough. It didn’t amount enough for Jihoon to agree, to accept Daniel –to take that risk.

It derailed him a little, but he couldn’t blame Jihoon. He would never.

He breathed deep; collecting himself, before swiping his thumb upon the younger’s skin as their hands were entwined as a way of giving comfort. Daniel gently smiled at him, the way he had come to do when it’s with Jihoon.

“It’s okay.” He assured with a small nod and a little bit of confusion coloured Jihoon’s face. “We don’t need labels for now, yeah?”

Daniel took the subtle relief on Jihoon’s posture as an agreement. He flashed the younger a grin momentarily before his smile softened. If there was desperation in his eyes, no one needed to know.

“You know I did all those things because I’m serious about you. And I can do so much more if you’d let me.”

For the first time since this conversation began, Jihoon smiled a little. However, it was a forlorn one. “I’ve heard that before…”

His words made Daniel think back to when he, Jihoon, Seongwu, Jisung, and Minhyun talked about past relationships as they got back after a show. Jihoon mentioned that just a year ago he dated once and it wasn’t followed any more.

“I thought it was real, turned out I was just a past time.” –was what he said with a one sided smile, trying his best to look unbothered, but it was obvious that he was hurt and maybe even traumatised by it.

Daniel, for the life of him, couldn’t fathom what kind of person would do that to Jihoon. But he chose not to think about them, because he’s here.

“I’ve heard that before…”

He rewound Jihoon’s words in his mind before answering.

“You haven’t heard it from me.”

Daniel’s here and he’ll be the one for Jihoon.

The ‘no label’ thing between them did very little to hide what’s truly going on.

Out in public they were relatively the same as they were –playful and friendly. They kept their interactions minimal and subtle as much as possible. Only sharing glances for a split second before looking elsewhere. Split second yet for them it seemed to stretch for longer. It was all they needed to know the other was there. Small touches here and there, but nothing too obvious.

Behind the cameras and off the stage they would like to think they were being subtle too for the other members and staffs not to pick up anything.

But it wasn’t the case.

Jaehwan and Seongwu already knew something from the start because Daniel already mentioned to them long ago that he may be interested in Jihoon. But he hadn’t disclosed that there’s already something between them.

Apparently he didn’t need to because the two may seem airheaded most of the time but they weren’t. Those two were perceptive as hell.

Daniel got that confirmation one late evening after he and Jihoon got back from sneaking off to go somewhere. Jaehwan was just about to go to bed when they crossed paths and clapped him on the shoulder. Daniel was prepared for some form of nonsense from him.

“Don’t hurt my son.” Jaehwan said with a smile and winked knowingly before walking off leaving a bewildered and slightly unnerved Kang Daniel.

He didn’t expect that from him, then again Jaehwan wasn’t normal. No one in this group was, just to clarify. Daniel shook his head to shake of the weirdness of that and accept that yeah, Jaehwan knew. He trusted the main vocalist so it was fine… there’s a question mark there somewhere but Daniel would like to think he can trust Jaehwan.

The next was Seongwu.

He and Jihoon should’ve known that the older man was up to something when he came up to them as they were gaming and asked if he could play too. They let him try a relatively simple RPG. It’s been almost an hour with Jihoon being a patient mentor to Seongwu (although he looked like he’s close to unleashing Dorm Jihoon any moment now) and Daniel being an unhelpful commentator when Seongwu suddenly paused the game.

“So when’s the wedding? I’m invited right?” The resident Popping King asked with a big grin. He timed it well too because Daniel was sipping his drink and it took all his willpower –equivalent to what he had back in Produce 101- to not spit his drink because one: that’s messy. And two: Jihoon was in front of him and he didn’t want to get the silent treatment again. But Daniel did choke on his drink a little. He could’ve died but the so called ‘Actor Line’ didn’t help him because Seongwu remained grinning at them and Jihoon was gaping at the eldest among the three of them.

Jihoon mumbled something before bolting out of there leaving a barely surviving Kang Daniel and a chuckling Ong.

“H-hyung! What…!?” Daniel demanded.

“Come ooon, Niel! You honestly thought I wouldn’t realise?” Seongwu asked as he patted the younger on the shoulder. “I’m a little upset you didn’t tell little ol’ me. I thought we were buddies? We’re Ongniel! The mother ship! At least promise me I’ll be your best man, don’t get Jaehwan, he’ll be the wedding singer.” He chuckled when Daniel covered his face with his hands.

“We’re not a thing yet, hyung!” Their center grumbled through his palms.

The older man leaned closer. “What was that? Not a thing yet? Are you serious?” Daniel nodded and Seongwu looked appalled. “For real? Man… I’m frustrated for you. Just tell him you love him and marry him… oh wait… you have said ‘I love you’ –on national television too!” Seongwu teased. “So again, when’s the wedding?”

“Hyung!” Daniel exclaimed in embarrassment and tackled a laughing Seongwu down like the big Samoyed he was.

In the end after they sobered up from the jokes and teases, they had a serious conversation with Daniel explaining his and Jihoon’s agreement that lead to their current situation. Seongwu understood completely and offered his support and Daniel unequivocally trusted him.

---

Jihoon and Daniel continued as they were –discreet and casual. They lived off from their cheap moments when they’re out on the spotlight. Light touches, curt smiles, and small conversations. Sometimes their gazes would stray to each other again and if they could, they’d look at each other longer. It was those instances where they could feel that they spiral back to their own world even for a second.

A world where there’s no one and nothing else but them.

They’d smile at each other with adoration and everything’s alright. No worries, no stress, no pressure.

But then they’d have to turn away and go back to the world around.

Maybe had they realised that as they revered one another, there were others observing them.

It didn’t take long before Jisung asked if he could talk to them. Sungwoon was there too. Apparently the two eldest had discussed about it before, Jisung speculating and Sungwoon already at a conclusion and did his best to assure their leader and urged him to talk to the two.

They raised their concern about the other members knowing and how their dynamics might change because of this but Daniel mentioned that Seongwu and Jaehwan already knew and nothing will change. Jisung pondered for a moment before calling Jaehwan and Seongwu to involve them in this conference. It was Sungwoon’s advice to get Minhyun as well because he suspected the other man already noticed something but didn’t voice anything out.

Jihoon and Daniel looked at each other and they agreed with a bit of trepidation.

“Maybe Woojinie too…” Jihoon added and he unconsciously bit on the skin by his nails again showing his anxiety. “He’s my best friend… I don’t like keeping things from him. And I feel that he’s been meaning to ask at some point.” He looked up at Daniel asking permission and the older man gave him a reassuring smile as he put his arm around Jihoon’s shoulders.

They’ve gathered in Jisung’s room and made sure the door was locked so the remaining members –Daehwi, Jinyoung, and Guanlin- wouldn’t accidentally stumble upon their small but significant meeting.

(It wasn’t the time for the younger ones to be involved)

Jisung regarded the couple with a serious look that meant all business. Jihoon was obviously nervous judging from how he’s biting the skin around his nail again. Daniel pulled the hand Jihoon was going at and held it to stop the younger. Daniel soothed the fingertip with his thumb as a mean of support and to help Daniel to quell down his own nerves.

“So you two are together?” Jisung asked with his tone even.

It took them a while to answer. Daniel’s eyes trailed after one member to another and he saw empathy and expectancy. They weren’t upset at the two of them; rather they just wanted to know so they could help. After all, this was a serious matter. It comforted and assured Daniel. He thanked in his mind everything he could because it was a blessing to have these amazing people as their band mates.

Daniel was about to answer ‘yes’ –yes they were dating. But Jihoon beat him and responded first.

“No, we’re not.” Jihoon said and more than half of them gaped at him, including Daniel. They caught each other’s gaze and both of them equally wide eyed. Daniel from bewilderment and Jihoon from mild shock, as if he couldn’t believe Daniel thought differently. “Niel hyung, we’re not ‘official’ yet, remember?”

“But Jihoonie--!” Daniel whined but Jihoon fixed him with a look and the older man sagged.

“Let me clarify.” Jihoon began and the others listened expectantly, their mood lifting a little from the entertainment of the two’s interaction. “I like Niel hyung, and he likes me—”

“A lot. I like Jihoonie a lot.” Daniel interjected and looked deeply into Jihoon who averted his gaze, trying to stop himself from getting flustered but his face did get significantly redder making Daniel grin in victory. Jihoon did his best to look tough again and pressed his palm on Daniel’s grinning face and pushed him away a little.

He cleared his throat. “As I was saying… we like each other but we’re not… we’re not…uhmm…” Jihoon trailed off, getting flustered again much to the others’ amusement.

“Boyfriends?” Woojin suggested.

“Lovers?” Sungwoon asked.

This time, Seongwu exclaimed. “Husbands?!”

Daniel, out of pity, began planning a wedding in his mind just so Ong’s marriage addicted soul can rest and he will definitely be the best man if he kept this enthusiasm up. Meanwhile, Jihoon looked like he was aging five times faster because of his band mates.

Surprisingly, it was Jaehwan who had better sense. “Basically, you haven’t said ‘yes’ to Daniel yet, Jihoonie?”

Daniel turned to Jihoon and he saw him becoming unsure again, probably afraid of possibly hurting Daniel’s feelings because the reality was that they’re not ‘official’ because Jihoon didn’t agree to yet. He was still unsure and that’s not any of their faults, but of course, Jihoon still felt bad about it so it seemed.

Daniel gave Jihoon an honest reassuring smile and answered for him. “It’s kind of like that, yeah.” He nodded to Jaehwan who nodded back. The others followed suit in understanding.

“But there is something?” Minhyun asked. “You two like each other… but doesn’t that mean you’re a couple? I thought that was already the case.”

Just when they thought everything was already clear, Minhyun’s confusion confused all of them and it left them calculating for a moment before Sungwoon saved them.

“Ignore him. We’ll explain it to him later.” He said as he patted Minhyun’s shoulder who chuckled sheepishly.

“Ah sorry I didn’t understand fully but whatever it is, I’ll support you two!” Minhyun assured and the other agreed with sincere smiles

Jisung clapped his hands once to get their attention soon after. “Okay, now that we already have the answer to our suspicions, it’s now a matter of… will you want our help? I mean, we support you two completely but when it comes down to it, when we feel that things are becoming… dangerous, will you let us keep you two in line?”

Jihoon nodded immediately but it took Daniel a while. He knew himself, he knew that he’s a little on the possessive side at times and ‘keeping in line’ held the possibility that they’ll separate him and Jihoon.  That idea rattled the ugly side of him but he had to understand that they mean well.

So he took a deep breath and gave his agreement.

He can only hope they wouldn’t be pulled apart.

IV.

Beautiful 

Fear has its way of manifesting into reality.

It happened all too quickly for Daniel and Jihoon.

They have downplayed their interactions, even more so when outside. But even at that, their small moments were enough to spark suspicion among them.

“You two need to separate.”

They were ordered by one of the higher ups after a heated reprimanding. Daniel was livid and it can be felt. Fortunately, Jisung was there with them and became a middleman, promising to help in containing Jihoon and Daniel’s relationship. The man agreed after an extreme effort of reassuring him and entrusted the other members, who were involved, with the responsibility to cover for them. Come up ways to divert people’s attention from Daniel and Jihoon and what’s going on.

After that conversation, they were let off. Daniel expected that Jisung would want to talk to them as well, how they should proceed. But instead, their leader only embraced the two of them soothingly rubbing their backs.

“You two should go for now. We’ll talk about this once we’ve rested.” Jisung said with a kind smile and walked off. And that simple act of kindness and consideration lifted a heavy weight on their shoulders they’ve been bearing for a while.

As Daniel watched his retreating back, he couldn’t help but feel eternally grateful in having Yoon Jisung in their life.

---

There was tension, but there’s comfort as well as the two of them sat outside the balcony. The clear midnight sky above was calm and vast –showcasing all the possibility out there.

They sat in silence relishing the soft caress of the evening breeze upon their skin.  As Daniel looked up at the heavens he remembered the night he and Jihoon stargazed. The sight was similar. Black sky littered with the mesmerizing twinkling of the stars scattered above –stars, planets, galaxies, and whatever else really.

It was enamouring.

But before he could muse any further, from the corner of his eyes he saw Jihoon recline back until he lay on the cushions. Daniel regarded him with a glance that wasn’t returned as the younger’s eyes remained looking up at the sky.

The silence that shrouded them remained for a moment before Jihoon broke the ice.

“It’s tiring, isn’t it?” He asked softly and then trailed his eyes over to Daniel and saw the bewilderment of the older man from his question. So he continued. “To keep going –to keep pursuing… this...us…” And a barely there whisper of: “…me?”

And it clicked in Daniel’s mind.  

Jihoon felt that he’s being a burden to Daniel that this whole relationship was bearing him down. They looked at each other, both studying one another.

‘Give up on me.’ –that’s what Daniel read in Jihoon’s mind.

To surrender.

That was the option Jihoon was presenting to him. To let go of what they have so things will be easier for everyone. So that their friends wouldn’t be saddled with the responsibility of covering for them. So that the stress of holding themselves back when in public won’t bear them down. No further need to be conscious and aware of their actions.

It will be easier.

But then… to end this? Was a bigger punishment for Daniel. He can handle whatever conceived burden there was. He’ll restrain himself out there just as long Jihoon was with him at the end of the day. He’ll find ways to repay their friends for all the help and support they’ve given to them. Daniel was prepared to do everything –carry anything.

He leaned over Jihoon’s laid form, his elbow and hand on either side of the younger man. Daniel took a subtle deep breath before saying,

“You know I’d never give you up.”

His words lifted the haze of worry on Jihoon’s eyes and a small subtle smile made its way on his lips. Daniel smiled as well but it was quelled down when sudden uncertainty washed over him. Perhaps, it was Jihoon who wanted to let go… maybe he was the one who couldn’t bear it.

“What about you…? Do you want to stop?”

Jihoon chuckled a little at him earning him a small pout from Daniel. “Niel hyung… just how many water bottles do I have to sneak to you to realise that I’d like to kiss you? Of course I don’t want to give this up too.”

Daniel didn’t take the time to process his actions before he’s diving in to kiss Jihoon.

But alas, he failed.

His lips only met Jihoon’s fingers barricading his kiss.

“Niel hyung?!” The younger demanded with wide eyes and tried to stop his amused smile.

“You said you wanted to kiss.” Daniel mumbled, his lips remained pressed on the other man’s skin.

Jihoon scoffed, “I only said that, but I’m not that easy.” He said with a roll of his eyes and Daniel snorted.

“Don’t I know it?” He replied, the two of them sharing a smile –their familiar smile- until Daniel’s eyes showed determination as his hand reached to grab the back of Jihoon’s hand, the one blocking Daniel’s lips.

Jihoon gasped lightly when Daniel began giving kisses to his palm and fingers, the older man’s eyes scorching into his own –his gaze similar to when he’s on stage. His kisses slowed leaving his lips pressing harder and longer at a time ultimately pushing the smaller hand closer to Jihoon’s face until they were only a breath away.

Daniel could see Jihoon getting breathless, his plump lips slightly open as his breathing became heavier; he was tense and yet his eyes were calm –calm and searching at Daniel’s eyes. Jihoon’s eyes softened and that was when the older man gently pulled off the hand blocking him –an action that met no resistance.

And they were a breath away.

“Can I kiss you?” He asked.

And it needn’t be answered because it was Jihoon who closed the space between.

The contact was soft, chaste, and lasted for only a second before Jihoon began to pull back. But Daniel pressed further until Jihoon’s head lay back on the cushion once more. He deepened the kiss that which was reciprocated albeit with little shyness and uncertainty. Even the way Jihoon kissed was cute; Daniel mused with a chuckle in to the kiss making Jihoon break the contact quickly and raised a brow at him.

“You’re cute.” Daniel explained with a bright smile.

Jihoon took it as a teasing and scowled at him with a pout. “You wanna fight, Kang Daniel?”

“Okay, I’ll hit you with my lips!” Daniel responded and pouted his lips. His effort was rewarded with Jihoon laughing at his face. It was a short burst of laughter before the younger man covered his face as he chuckled.

“What was that, hyung?!”

“What? You’re the one who came up with that!” Jihoon stifled his laughter under the shade of his hands but his smile was evident as the growing blush on his skin. Daniel grinned fondly and gently pried off the hands covering Jihoon’s face.

It was always a shame whenever Jihoon covered his face when he laughed. It was perhaps one of Daniel’s favourite things to witness –Jihoon’s hearty laugh. It was a rare sight and it’s something that Daniel always worked up to ever since he fell. Unfortunately, his jokes don’t always work. His antics would more often than not grant him a judging look from Jihoon. But the younger wasn’t literally judging him; his face was just like that. Daniel still found it a cute look on him anyway so he didn’t feel defeated during those times.

So in this rare occasion that he made Jihoon laugh, Daniel would like to see it properly. It’ll be the first time he’ll see it in this angle too. This was perhaps their most intimate contact to date, and yet there’s no awkwardness even when Daniel’s basically on top of Jihoon.

Maybe because they’ve spent so much time with each other that nothing else but comfort and trust resided between them. Again, Daniel didn’t know when that began. The unconditional trust and innate ease they had with each other.

All Daniel could remember was that there’s always something new when it came to Jihoon –progressions between them that they couldn’t count.

As he gazed down at Jihoon’s eyes, Daniel’s past poetics about his eyes being a galaxy became less of a cheesy exaggeration and into a simple metaphor. Because not even all the galaxies the universe had to offer could compare to the infinity that was Park Jihoon.

And Daniel will lay down everything to be at his side. Be the person who will be there as they discover and experience new things.

He didn’t want to think further, all he wanted was to simply be with Jihoon –for tonight, tomorrow, the day after, and the days following. For as long as they could.

Daniel’s heavy thoughts was evident on his face and Jihoon looked up at him curiously with a small tilt of his head to the side before reaching up to touch Daniel’s cheek with care.

“You’re not getting ill again, are you?” Jihoon’s concern brought a small fond smile on Daniel’s lips. The older man took the smaller hand and gave it a kiss again making Jihoon scrunch his brows more from confusion.

“I love you.”

Daniel said with sincerity in his voice and reverence in his eyes. He hadn’t said that before aside from the relatively friendly ‘I love you’ he said back in Produce 101. Those words just came out without thought, but wasn’t that how it’s supposed to be? To feel so greatly that the mind couldn’t bring itself to stop the wave of emotion. No time to neither worry about the repercussions nor hope for a reward. All was there was the chance to convey the overwhelming feeling he had.

Jihoon’s reaction was as expected. His face reddened considerably and did his best to look anywhere but Daniel, who’s grinning widely –so proud of himself. All the younger could do was a jerky nod and a meek albeit awkward: “Yes…”

Daniel’s grin widened and a chuckle rumbled in his chest at the response because it was so Jihoon. He didn’t really expect Jihoon to return the sentiments for now so the reaction was as anticipated and as endearing as he thought.

“Jihoonie, so cute!” His remark made Dorm Jihoon emerge and pushed a laughing Daniel back on his side. Daniel chortled all the way through until he slowly sobered up and relaxed back down as he laid on his back facing the night sky once more. Until, the sight was eclipsed by Jihoon looming over him with a determined expression. Daniel raised a brow at him in question before the weight of the smaller man bore on him –embracing him.

Jihoon rarely initiated any physical contact, and this was one of those few times. Daniel smiled as he encircled his arms around the younger man and stroked his soft hair.

As he looked up on the calm starry night with Jihoon in his arms, everything was alright.

However, he knew that this was just the calm before the storm.

V.

I Promise You

Restless.

Daniel’s been restless ever since he and Jihoon’s relationship had been known by the management. There’s always that conscious attempt for him not to be too close to the point that he could barely look at Jihoon when they’re out on stage or in shows. They weren’t allowed to stand next to each other anymore either. There’s always a member or two between them. But Daniel would still go to Jihoon when he could even if he knew that he’ll get reprimanded afterwards.

Jisung was getting a little bit more strained as well because Daniel just couldn’t control himself as well as he should. If anything, he’s more obvious than before.

They got into an argument after they’ve seen the aired episode of Knowing Brothers.

“Really, Niel? A stick figure running away?” Jisung demanded after pulling him away from the others to converse in private.

“What? People thought it was cute anyway.” Daniel defended retelling how Daehwi, Baejin, and Guanlin thought it was funny when they saw that part where he drew a stick figure running away when Jihoon was having a charm battle with the hosts.

“It’s because they don’t know better! Besides, it wasn’t just the drawing; it was your face –your expression. You think no one would wonder why the ‘Laugh at Everything Daniel’ suddenly looked displeased.” Jisung pointed out as he tried to catch Daniel’s eyes as he turned away, his hands on his hips.

They’ve known each other long enough to know that the younger man was doing his best to contain his anger. Something that wasn’t pretty and quite terrifying, honestly. But Jisung couldn’t back down. It was in his obligation to keep them in line –to protect them.

However, he did feel bad. He felt for them, so he sighed. “Okay fine… maybe not a lot will pick up on it. But really, Niel, could you try harder next time? It’s only when we’re in public, you have him when we’re not under the spotlight. It couldn’t be that difficult, could it?”

He tried to advice kindly and it was effective in melting the concealed fury Daniel had at the beginning of this discussion only for it to wilt away into pure frustration and underlying longing. Desperation was evident in his eyes even with the small tired smile on his lips as he looked back at the older man.

“Yeah, but hyung…we’re outside almost all the time. All of us barely have any personal life, so yes, it’s difficult. You can hug him and cuddle him whenever and wherever, and I can’t. Seongwu hyung can play and tease with him, and I can’t. Guanlinnie and Jinyoungie can express their adoration for him, and I can’t. Woojinie can show his affection for him, and I can’t. Out there, everyone and anyone can get close to Jihoon… but I can’t? Me? Who’s been working for so long to get to him? I have to pretend that we’re barely even close?”

They weren’t exclusive yet. So whenever he saw someone else getting cozy with Jihoon, Daniel couldn’t help but think that that should be him. The fear of losing Jihoon to someone else outweighed anything else in Daniel’s mind.

Jihoon kept assuring him when they’re together that he’s not entertaining anyone else but him, he just needed time to fully accept him and Daniel held on to that because he trusted Jihoon. However, anxiety still loomed and frustration boiled even greater now that the leash on them was tighter.

Daniel swallowed the lump in his throat.

“Jisung hyung… is it too much to ask to have even a few small moments with him? Just the same as we were before anyone else knew about us.”

The older man looked at him and small defeated smile made its way on Jisung’s lips.

“You don’t know how you look at him, do you?”

---

The afternoon was calm and the sun was gentle. Warm sunlight washed through the windows of their dorm bathing their home in a soft glow. It was one of those incredibly rare times where they get to spend the whole day to themselves. The other members were off somewhere leaving Daniel, Jihoon, Minhyun, Jaehwan, and Sungwoon. The five of them were in the living room; Minhyun was taking a nap on the couch. Sungwoon sat on the carpeted floor occupied with scrolling through his iPad, munching on some snacks and every now and then humming along Jaehwan, who’s playing soft tunes with his guitar –keeping the atmosphere serene.

A lazy afternoon.

If he could, Daniel would ask Jihoon to go out to eat or watch a movie, but he can’t exactly do that now. They’re not allowed to be seen anywhere together which frustrated him even more to be honest. He wanted to spoil Jihoon and spend time with him but he couldn’t take him out on dates as easily as before. It was a good thing that Jihoon didn’t appear to be that disappointed with the arrangement, being a homebody and all.

Jihoon was content with sitting there and reading manga as he ate some fresh strawberries. Daniel watched him and took in the sight of him. It was there that Daniel realised that he really could spend his afternoon like that, just looking at Jihoon and feeling his presence.

“You don’t know how you look at him, do you?”

Jisung’s voice resonated in Daniel’s mind as he continued to gaze at Jihoon, whose lips were tinted red from the strawberries, his eyes focused and full of small honest joy from the simple entertainment of reading a manga. Daniel couldn’t describe it; no words seem to fit the bliss he felt. He tried his best every time to think up deep words or expressions to equate his feelings when it came to Jihoon.

But as Daniel took in this moment where he’s merely sitting in their dorm with their friends absorbed in their own leisure, just the presence of each other was sufficient, where no conversation was needed… Daniel realised that the word he’s been searching for wasn’t Shakespearean.

He saw the small tilt of Jihoon’s lips when he read something amusing in the comics, eyes lighting up ever so lightly.

Daniel smiled finding his answer. It was simple much like this moment.

Content.

He was content.

“You look at him as if he’s all you could ever need.”

Daniel smiled to himself as he understood that there’s no hiding. Distance was essential if they don’t want any trouble not just for them but for their friends as well and everyone else involved.

Jihoon caught his smile and looked back at him giving him a smile of his own.

His smile made Daniel think again how he didn’t want to hide forever.

VI.

Gold 

“Don’t tell me you’re getting impatient, Niel.” Jaehwan asked and then blew on the ramen noodles to cool it down a little before eating.

It was well late into the evening when the same-age friends decided to go out to eat, hang out, talk…

Daniel did his best not to burden others of the things he’s going through because he already knew how stressed the other members were as well. As much as possible, he wanted to be a beacon of positivity for them –a happy pill for them. That was what Daniel intended when he began telling Jaehwan stories about his cats, his mom, and whatever else really. It was halfway into their light conversation when Jaehwan confronted him that he knew something was bothering Daniel and it’s okay if he wanted to talk about it to him.

And with a small sigh, he let it out as casually as he could. Daniel relayed to Jaehwan how he felt that he wasn’t making any progress with Jihoon. They were steady, which was something to be thankful for, but it seemed that he wasn’t getting any closer for the younger to agree on being in an official relationship. To be honest at this point, in Daniel’s mind there wasn’t much of a difference and yet there’s this feeling that it will be different once Jihoon said ‘yes’ to him.

How it will be different only made Daniel a bit more anxious. That, and the reality that they’re running out of time.

His concern was what made Jaehwan ask if Daniel’s getting impatient. Daniel can’t say he wasn’t on edge but it won’t be to the point that he’ll give up or pressure Jihoon into anything. It’s just… he wanted to make some progress; he didn’t want Jihoon to feel that what they have now was all Daniel could do.

Whereas Jihoon’s been taking care of him more, making sure he’s feeling well and getting enough food and rest. Every morning Jihoon checked Daniel’s temperature, waited for him every night whenever the older man had an individual schedule, prepared hot packs for him, made sure he took his vitamins, and other simple things really. Simple but meant a lot.

Daniel felt a little lost at times because gifts can only get him so far. He knew Jihoon appreciated them –appreciated when they went out becoming adept in going out on dates unspotted… they hope at least. But Daniel wanted to take care of him too. The struggle was… Jihoon was strong and independent. There were times when Daniel felt that Jihoon didn’t need him as much as he needed Jihoon and the insecurity’s eating him more often now.

He just wanted to do more… he didn’t know where and how should he start.

Daniel told those sentiments to Jaehwan. The older man hummed every now and then as he listened. Once Daniel finished speaking, they were quiet for a while with Daniel looking over at his friend who finished sipping the broth.

Jaehwan gulped down his iced tea before gazing back at Daniel, his eyes steady with no hint of worry or dismay at Daniel’s concern. In which Daniel was thankful for because he was already emotional on the inside, he didn’t want to see what he’s feeling in someone else’s eyes.

“I’m gonna warn you that I’m not Jisung hyung or Seongwu hyung, so I’m not going to sugar coat what I think.” Jaehwan started and Daniel nodded. He knew that people might perceive Jaehwan as a nonsense guy, to a degree he was but when it came to serious matters, their main everything could be very frank and quite wise.  Daniel knew what he’s getting in to when he talked to Jaehwan about this and perhaps a more brutally honest opinion was what he needed.

“I think… you’re right when you thought that Jihoon didn’t need you.” Jaehwan’s words made Daniel’s heart sink for a moment but the older man continued. “Originally that is. He got caught off guard just as much as you were. But the thing is: he doesn’t like you because he needs you. He needs you now because you’re someone he wants to be with.”

As Daniel took in his words, Jaehwan continued. “That’s why he doesn’t like it when you get so ill that you can’t participate in performances or shows. Why he gets anxious whenever you’re barely home because of your schedules. He wants to see you as much as he could…”

“It’s because he needs you. Not the things you could offer, not your promises. Just you. He doesn’t think about the end game like you, he lives for what’s now.”

VII.

Light

You can’t keep running with your head up staring up to the clouds or else you’ll find yourself stumbling.

Jaehwan told him that and since then Daniel focused on the present. He was right. He did focus too much on what he’ll get out of this that he forgot to cherish their now. And in this moment, he was happy. Much like any other time he had to spend with Jihoon. Woojin was out with the others to watch a movie. But the two of them stayed back.

“You seem happier.” Jihoon’s question brought him out of his thoughts and Daniel looked at him. His arms around the younger man as they relaxed sitting on Jihoon’s bed watching a series on his laptop. Jihoon kept his gaze at the screen and Daniel smiled. He gently cupped the younger’s cheek to turn his attention to Daniel.

“What was that again?” Daniel chuckled when Jihoon pouted and averted his gaze for a second before pausing the series and turned to the older man.

“I said, you seem happier lately.” He repeated and laid his cheek on Daniel’s shoulder looking up at him and the other man’s smile widened at the sight and feeling of him.

Tightening his hold around the younger and asked, “Am I?”

Jihoon pursed his lips thinking, “When we’re together at least. Sometimes when we’re around others you’re a little… don’t get mad, okay?” Daniel chuckled but nodded nonetheless. Jihoon looked at him for a while, assessing him before continuing. “Sometimes you’re a little… possessive?”

Daniel scowled a little as he thought back to instances where he was possessive. As he did so, Jihoon tried to elaborate when he saw the older man’s change in expression. “I mean there are times where I can just feel your eyes looking when I’m with other people.” When the other remained staring at him and gave no response, Jihoon was about to take his assumptions back. “I could be imagining—“

“No, I really was looking.” Daniel cut him off and the corners of his lips upturned in an easy smile. “And you’re right. I’m possessive of you and I get a bit on edge around others.”

He prided himself in being a generous man. Daniel was fine in sharing things. He treated his friends out and gave them gifts on their special days. However, he’s just a man and he has his flaws. And Daniel was well aware that he’s the jealous type and quite possessive of the person he’s interested in. Specifically one Park Jihoon.

He’s not selfish when it came to material possessions, he’ll give anything to those who are close to him. But when it came to Jihoon, he couldn’t stop the anxiety of someone taking him away –couldn’t bear the idea of him belonging to anyone else but his and his alone.

Jihoon raised a brow at him with a shadow of a smile. “I didn’t know Kang Daniel, Mr. Perfect, has a jealousy streak.”

“Everyone has a dark side.”

There were so many things happening.

Schedule was even more brutal than it was before. They have a comeback and then a world tour to prepare for. It was of course exciting but they hardly rested –barely any time for themselves. Daniel even more so. He missed his Wanna One brothers, missed hanging out outside of schedules. They had separate schedules because of the sub-units too. It was fun of course. The experience of working with Zico was irreplaceable and collaborating closer with Jaehwan and Woojin was amazing too. Daniel marvelled at how talented they truly were and he couldn’t help but be excited, not just for their unit but also for the others.

Speaking of other units, Daniel kept thinking about Jihoon’s. Well… Jihoon in particular. He missed him. Having different schedules was hard and phone calls and video calls weren’t really enough. It’s getting obvious on how he’s restless sometimes or seemed aloof. Jaehwan and Woojin would talk to him about it and comfort him as well as they could.

“You should’ve just picked him.” Woojin said and Daniel half-heartedly smirked.

“You know I can’t.”

It was alright really. He and Jihoon talked about it too. He said it was better if they separate a while, see how it goes. They have to essentially learn how to keep things going when they have separate schedules and… groups. They don’t really talk about the end. Daniel didn’t want to. None of them did. But aversion won’t stop time and Jihoon had a point. They have to learn how to work things out even when they’re… apart.

“Don’t feel too sad, hyung. We’re still in the same country. We’re not continents apart.” Jihoon told him with a chuckle and he was right.

It’s only a matter of finding time…

Time ticked by quickly and yet Daniel felt little anxiety over it than he did before.

They were on their world tour and it was tiring but exhilarating at the same time. And of course… Daniel was happy because he and Jihoon were hotel roommates. When Daniel insisted on it and his appeal was granted, Seongwu and Jaehwan looked at him knowingly but with a mix of warning too. Daniel chose to ignore them, it’s not like he’ll do anything with Jihoon. They kissed once and that was it.

“Marriage first, Niel!” Seongwu hollered at him when they parted ways and Daniel both wanted to strangle him and strangle him but he smiled regardless. Daniel didn’t say it outright, but he appreciated their support. Incredibly so.

If only the outside world could be the same.

“Let’s runaway…”

Daniel said lowly in the quiet of their room.

They were about to sleep on their respective beds, Jihoon was probably already asleep. Daniel would be too but he spent some time lying on his side facing Jihoon who also laid on his side unintentionally facing Daniel.

“Hm?” Jihoon hummed in question, a small smile tugging on the corners of his lips and Daniel smiled in turn.

“Let’s just fly away…” Daniel singsonged and the younger chuckled a little.

“You love Osaka so much, huh?”

“What’s not to like? It’s a good song.” He said and Jihoon only hummed in reply, on the brink of sleep most likely but did his best to stay up to here Daniel out. Jihoon was always so patient with him. He always paid attention to Daniel –always entertained his choding ways. It’s obvious at times that Jihoon didn’t even know what’s going on but he always would be on board to whatever it was Daniel did.

The other members of course got used to Daniel and his antics however Jihoon was the most he’s comfortable with. Without fail, Jihoon could get on his playfulness.

They didn’t need words, explanations, they just understand each other.

“It was released on your birthday too…” Daniel added and again Jihoon only hummed with his eyes already closed. Well as closed as they could, Daniel chuckled to himself. It’s so cute how Jihoon’s eyes don’t really close fully. He’s still pretty though. Everything he did was beautiful.

Everything about Jihoon was beautiful.

And Daniel couldn’t imagine a life without him.

But a life with him out there… was just as difficult to imagine.

All Daniel wanted was to go far away.

They’re almost at the last leg of their world tour. Australia so far was the most memorable for them. The exhilaration of skydiving was unforgettable. Daniel couldn’t wipe the smile off his face as he edited their video. It wasn’t his thing but he wanted to remember it. He wanted to share it. He got to bond with Baejin, something they hadn’t really done much and Daniel felt the need to fix that since Baejin was a sweet boy –a little brother for him. Also bond with Jihoon of course.

Honestly the whole thing was primarily for him. Daniel loved extreme sports, yes. But with how tired he was, he’d opt to stay in the hotel to rest but then he remembered how Jihoon said in a show that he always wanted to skydive in Australia. The only thing he hadn’t done. Jihoon loved the sky so much, he loved heights, and he loved flying. Daniel thought that there’s no reason for that one thing to be ticked off the bucket list and so he made an effort to arrange that.

“What are you doing?” Jihoon came up behind him, peeking at what he’s doing.

“Hm? Editing a vid, it’s a special day for the three of us. You even more so and I wanna share it.” Daniel explained as he continued to work on it. It was more complicated than he anticipate but oh well, he can manage.

Jihoon hadn’t replied but Daniel could feel that he’s still there behind him, he was about to ask when the younger man spoke.

“You really remembered?” He asked and Daniel took a second to realise what Jihoon asked he remembered.

“Well yeah… I never forget things that are important.” Daniel replied with a slight chuckle. It’s no surprise that Jihoon would not expect for him to remember something that he himself never told Daniel. He probably didn’t even expect for the older to watch his episode with Woojin on Battle Trip.

But Daniel did and he remembered and made an effort.

Unbeknownst to Daniel, Jihoon looked at him and thought back to their conversation way back when.

“You know I did all those things because I’m serious about you. And I can do so much more if you’d let me.”

“I’ve heard that before…”

“You haven’t heard it from me.”

Something in his chest clenched at the complete realisation that he truly wasn’t a past time… he wasn’t just someone Daniel needed to express affection to for the sake of. Jihoon appreciated his attention even from before but he’s been hurt in the past, he’s been through that. People get bored of him easily. They can’t keep up with his changing moods. They promise things, but they leave.

But Daniel always stayed.

He never forgot.

Jihoon always felt that he never deserved all that. He’s read comments sometimes saying that they don’t like whenever he gets close to Daniel. It hurts… but then he’d think that yeah… maybe he shouldn’t get close.

But he really wanted too…

Jihoon adored Daniel so much and he wanted to be close to him. He wanted people to at least acknowledge that –acknowledge that he didn’t hate Daniel for being rank 1^st. He never did. But what Jihoon didn’t want was to appear as a little brother to Daniel. He wanted to be considered more at least a good friend if not a companion. It’s why Jihoon wanted to be seen as an adult so much. Maybe if he was on even ground as Daniel, he could be closer. People would think he could be closer to him and he wasn’t just a kid vying for his hyung’s attention.

And yet any effort he did was fruitless. So he gave up on that. Thought of it less and less nowadays because what mattered was Daniel and what he saw him as. It lifted the weight of other people’s opinion but then the weight of Daniel’s love bore on him.

Did he deserve it?

Jihoon didn’t know what he did to warrant this affection. But he loved it…. He loved Daniel.

He loved Daniel and it’s terrifying.

But as time ticked by… maybe he could be brave enough.

Brave enough to try.

Daniel was used to silence when he’s with Jihoon. There were times that the younger man just didn’t feel like speaking and that’s alright. It was comforting. Daniel could be less loud when he’s with him –to enjoy the serenity and peace ignoring the world around.

The world where they just weren’t accepted yet.

He smiled forlornly as he almost finished up editing. At least they can get one date out there. One date out of the countless times they went out but weren’t allowed to be seen.

But Daniel wanted to be seen. To be accepted.

A hand on his shoulder banished his anxieties and he turned to look at Jihoon, but before he could ask, Jihoon embraced him so suddenly. His hold was strong but the thundering of his heart could be felt. Daniel didn’t know what this was about, Jihoon rarely initiated physical contact. He worried that he may not be feeling well…

“Jihoon ah…?”

“Daniel…” Jihoon replied and how he shed honorifics again only piqued Daniel’s curiosity and worry more. He was about to ask the younger but Jihoon pulled back, his arms loosely rested on Daniel’s shoulder.

Seeing his expression only added to the older’s concern. Jihoon’s seemed to be on the brink of crying but he held firm. “Jihoon ah, are you okay—”

“Say you love me again…please.” The younger asked meekly and it took Daniel a second before he grinned and pulled him into a tight hug, caressing the back of his head. Jihoon being needy was always so cute but quite rare and Daniel indulged in it when he could.

“Ah, I love you, Jihoon ah. I love you so so much.” Daniel cooed at him saying his affections easily. He said it a lot of times to be ashamed of it now. “I love, Jihoonie the most.” He said and rocked them side to side as they embraced to try and comfort him. Sometimes he knew that Jihoon felt insecure about a lot of things. He won’t say them to Daniel because he didn’t want him to worry. But he knew all the same and he assured him as well as he can.

Daniel could feel Jihoon relax and he broke the hug for a little to look at him and see how he’s feeling now. “You okay now?”

Jihoon smiled, the gentle smile Daniel loved so much. “Yeah. I’m okay now. I’m okay now because I love you too.”

The big smile on Daniel’s face fell, replaced with disbelief. “Say that again?”

“I love you too, Kang Daniel.”

And it was in that moment, that all restlessness he felt seemed to dissolve into absolute bliss.

VIII.

Spring Breeze

Kang Daniel loved Park Jihoon and Park Jihoon loved Kang Daniel.

Both of them never believed in things like soulmates and destiny. However, whenever they’re together it felt like there was something that brought them together. A higher power they could never comprehend completely.

But that’s alright. There were things that needn’t be understood.

They loved and respected each other and that’s all that mattered. Daniel couldn’t wish for more.

However, if he could, all he could ever want was to hold Jihoon’s hand out there in the light, where people could see them.

All he could ever want was to be out there with him.