Archive of Our Own ^beta

The cold air of Autumn swept inside Jaemin’s heart and nestled there just around the corner of his scattered spaces. Fall brought the best in him, but did nothing as it ravaged his already crumbling castle of thoughts filled with dangerous bits. Sometimes he wondered, had Autumn always felt like this? Had it always squeeze at his heart and made him felt worthless, unloved; broken.

No. The answer is Lee Jeno.

That’s the solid answer.

✽

Jaemin met Jeno first.

That’s why he can’t, for the love of God, blame timing. You know in one of those cases of unrequited love where you were just too late to get the love of your life heart’s?

Well, he can’t even blame time because he did met Jeno first.

The problem was he got his heart stolen at first glance,

And he can’t even managed to speed up Jeno’s confused one.

✽

“Hey, sorry, was that hurt?”

Jaemin can feel the dizziness in his head, spinning crazily like he just got off the fast speed ferris wheel. When it’s not, he was just playing a fucking football. Oh great, now there’s blood too, flowing stupidly down his nose strills.

“What do you think?” Jaemin muttered sarcastically, voice sounded hoarse as he tried to looked up to the sky to stop the blood flow.

“It’s not his fault that you can’t catch the ball.” Muttered someone that Jaemin wanted so badly to punch, it’s a different voice from the culprit who hit him right in the face with a fast moving leather ball.

Jaemin rolled his eyes. “Sorry that i suck, then.”

He is now sitting at the damp grass out in the baseball field of their school, blood kept streaming down and he just considerered how nice it would be to lied down right then and there to stop the dizziness in his head.

A lot of people are now surrounding him, whispering and muttering something he rather not hear.

“Damn, you hit Na Jaemin in the face?”

“Shut up, should i carry him up?”

“Yeah, dude. That was a pretty hard smack. He even got nosebleeds. You are doomed.”

Oh hell no.

Jaemin tried to shook his head, preventing whoever tried to do that to stop whatever that was right this instant, but before he could even muttered a single word again, he was being lifted off the ground.

He was kind of light weighted at that time, even when he was taller than most boys his age, he wasn’t really surprised that this guy can picked him up easily, carrying his full weight on both arms.

Jaemin squirmed where he could only see the blank canvas of the sky and the sharp chin of a boy.

He got a nice and beautifully long eyelashes that fell on his rosy cheek, a pair of pink lips and his thick, black hair was cut neatly, perfectly suited the shape of his face. In conclusion, he is handsome, Jaemin must admit.

“Uh, i would appreciate if you don’t move too much, we’ll fall.”

Jaemin was confused, so he nervously muttered rubish. “Get...me down...you...asshole.”

“I don’t think that’s a good thing to do right now.”

"I'll scream if you dare dropped me.”

“It’s okay, we’re almost there at the infirmary.”

Jaemin groaned, not because of anything, or maybe because of everything, he thinks, as he watched the guy’s unchanging expression, even the embarrassment on getting his face smacked in front of the whole school in the middle of last Summer day can’t even compared to this.

To this handsome face, soft voice, to this guy that would definitely haunt his deepest daydreams, his darkest nightmares.

The face, of a first love.

✽

Jaemin spent the rest of his years at high school watching, admiring, messing things up falling in love with the school’s football team captain, Lee Jeno.

That’s right, he got slapped in the face by a ball, and then fell in love with the culprit who hit him with it. That was happening in his second year, he just barely turned 17 and so freaking confused.

Jaemin would said he was popular as a highschooler, but that was probably because Kim Jungwoo, the School President, the prince of all princes--blergh--everyone first love, announced to the whole school that whoever messed up with Na Jaemin will have to dealt with him when he was still a junior.

Jaemin only slapped his forehead upon hearing Jungwoo proud speech in front of everyone at the auditorium on the first day of school, silently curse him out in his mind when Jungwoo only looked at him with cheeky smile as if he had made a total charity in Jaemin’s life.

“Why did you do that!” Jaemin confronted him after the announcement.

Jungwoo sighed, he smile a little, messing up Jaemin’s hair while he was at it. “I promise your brother that i will protect you.”

“Doyoung hyung would not like it that you made me the centre of everyone interest! They were looking at me curiously earlier, hyung! What the hell!”

But Jungwoo just grinned, like a maniac and an innocent person. “You'll get through it.”

And as high school proceed;

He never get through the attention, especially the attention of Lee Jeno wanting so badly to be his best friend when Jaemin himself was desperately trying to kicked the captain out of his life for stealing a piece of his heart.

“You are cool, Jaemin, let's go to an internet café and waste our time on fortnite, how about that?” The captain asked him, sitting on top of his table like he owned it.

Jaemin glare at him. “No, thanks.” He said blandly, and then pushed the captain away to buried his face on top of the table, somehow trying so hard not to looked like he was breathing so Jeno could, like, get a clue that he was dead.

Dead in love, damn it.

“Please?” He asked one more time, voice softer as he pokes on Jaemin's arm. “Pretty please?” The captain asked again, and this time, it sent shivers down his spine.

Because what the hell was that?!

Don't be too cute!

Jaemin tilted his head up and groaned hoarsely. “Fine! You pay for it, I'm not gonna play for anything because i don't want to!”

Jeno grinned from ear to ear, eyes disappeared into a pretty crescent moon shaped. “Yes!” He shouted.

Jaemin rolled his eyes. “Can you go now please? I'm trying to sleep before Kim Teacher came back and killed us with math.”

The captain reached forward to patted Jaemin's head instead. “I'll wait for you at the school gate, don't even try to run away or I'll even hunt you in your sleep.”

Jaemin almost wanted to snap because what the--are you threatening me, you little--!

But Jeno was already sprinting away towards the door, pushing everyone out of his way with a wild grin.

That fuc--!

Jaemin sighed. He groaned, and then buried his face on top of his table again, clutching his overly crazy beating heart that won't seemed to slowed down after the bare minimum contact of soft hands against his crumpled hair.

Why must you beat so loudly for him, huh?!

✽

Hello Sung Kyung Nim, my name is ttotori-love. I’m your loyal listener, and i really love your show that i listened to it every night and never missed it. I’m so happy that you made this segment. I hope everyone can find closure through your words. But, will you hear my story this time?

✽

Jaemin didn’t know when he found the courage to even type all of those. To, in a better words, confessed his feelings to everyone in the country.

But maybe that was the beauty of it; that somewhere, somehow, even when he is near or far, Jeno might heard it. He might realize that the story from the person Kim Sung Kyung picked is this…

This Na Jaemin.

And he wanted to be hitted by something in the face whenever he felt hopeless staring at Jeno’s face, knowing he will never, can’t ever , graze his fingers through the soft of his skin, could never fit the empty spaces between his fingers with his, brush it softly and being loved by it.

But that was what a fool would do. Exactly what a fool would cherish.

And that fool, that foolish fool, is him.

✽

The times of high school is finally over, Jaemin mother hang his degree on the wall in the living room, his old school uniform was folded neatly to be put inside a box and probably would never be opened again.

He had begun to stashed every books he ever used into the storage, buried every corny words he’s ever written on his time crushing on that one boy.

The boy that turned out to be his best friend because they just bonded somehow, over online games, over those late nights spent when they prepared for college entrance exams, those lunch boxes he especially prepared for the latter simply because the captain loved his cookings.

And now, he fully accepted that Jeno just can’t go away from his life. He might wanted to kicked him away the very first time, but now, it felt even impossible to have him away.

Feelings involved or not, Jaemin wanted Jeno in his life. So, for how many girlfriends the captain would dated, the many times he will be hurt because of it, Jaemin will endure.

Because he just can’t imagine a life with no Jeno in it anymore.

✽

Kim Sung Kyung nim, i have fallen in love with my best friend. He is a fool that stumbled upon a tiny rock, got angry with it and took revenge by kicking it because he is a fool like that. But i really can’t get him out of my head, i can’t seem to find a way out of this confusing feeling i felt whenever he is near me. What to do, Kim Sung Kyung nim? I felt so hopeless.

✽

“Jaemin ah, live with me.”

Jaemin stared outside the window of the cafe they currently bonded over a cup of coffee with. He sipped on his drink like a dead man, gulping it like it wasn’t an eight shot of espresso with no water because well, he is dead inside.

“Okay,” He said rather quickly, shifting his gaze from the moving cars outside to the boy in front of him. “You need to feed me, though.”

Jeno instantly pouted at that. “I’ll probably cook you ramyun everyday, so maybe let’s not do that to our stomach, mhm?”

“You won’t clean either?”

“I’ll clean! You cook and the rest is for me to handle, okay?”

Jaemin still looked rather unconvinced, but he nodded in the end.

They got into the same university, Jeno is taking Korean Literature, while Jaemin choose Computer Science, it would be their own benefit if they split the cost on living in one room instead of his initial plan on living by himself.

“Okay,” he said again. “Do you have a place in mind?”

Jeno nodded enthusiastically. “Mom handed me the flyer for it, but we can go and take a look ourselves first. What about you, you have somewhere?”

Jaemin watched the captain through his heavy sets of eyelashes, contemplating on whether he should be really smart or stay as an idiot. But then he casted a glance at Jeno’s face.

At how perfect his tousled black hair, at how his cheekbones had grown to be strong and prominent, but Jaemin will always found him to be handsome, as well as gentle.

And at that moment, Jaemin realized that it’s okay, it’s okay if it hurt. It’s okay if at the end of the day, they couldn’t be nothing more than friends, because Jeno is worth it. He was worth whatever greater pain he had to endure.

That it was okay to love someone who couldn’t love you back. As long as they are worth it.

✽

But then i realised, Kim Sung Kyung nim. What did i get for it to be worth it? Isn’t love supposed to be a give and take, something mutual and if it won’t give back to you, you should get the hint and moved on? I thought about this a lot, the listeners who listened to this could probably figure my thoughts already. But i will always came back to him, like a magnet, and a fool. I’ll bounce back, like gravity never exist, and i’ll always be a fool who loves him.

✽

Tired.

Jaemin felt tired as he flopped his whole body on the bed, weighing on the world and thinking what the hell just went wrong that he deserved all this. All this shitty situation on finding Jeno and his new girlfriend parted ways in front of their building just minutes ago.

“I’m a fool, huh, i’m a fucking fool.” He muttered, closing his eyes and just be done with the day. But then, he didn’t want to get any pimples any time soon, so he probably needed to wash his face first.

“Tireeeed.”

Jaemin wanted to bury himself down the volcano, got eaten by snakes, or crushed by the biggest, most ridiculous rock in the world upon noticing the extra weight beside him, making the bed shook and the space getting cramped.

He sighed tiredly, especially when he felt an arm circling around his body, hugging him like a koala.

Just then he knew what had went wrong.

Well, aside from being a fool, Na Jaemin is probably addicted to pain.

Does that make me a masochist?

Huuuuh?

“Did you see me before?” Asked his now roommate.

“No.” He answered.

Jaemin breathe through his nose, he had mastered this useless talent on controlling how his heart beat around his roommate.

It was so useless because most of the time, it was a failure, just like right now when he felt his heartbeat started to throbbed very painfully when Jeno buried his face on his chest.

DANGER.

Jaemin pushed the former captain away rather harshly that the latter was thrown off the bed and into the floor, he was screaming and an ‘oomph!’ was heard when his body bumped into the rather cold wooden floor.

“I told you to never do that!”

Jaemin shouted, looking over the boy who just sat there on the floor while caressing his bum. “Do what?! Can you just told me normaly and not kick me off instead, you barbarian!”

Jaemin blinked, once, twice, and he can feel his cheeks heated up as he puffed them, ignoring Jeno’s grumbled right on the cold hard floor. He hated it when Jeno was being a smarty-ass and right, it irritated him so much.

“Served you right!” He shouted, and then awkwardly got up from his seating position. “I’m going to shower first, so don’t turn on anything yet, our bill last month is a pain in the ass.” He calmly said.

“You’re not gonna help me?” Jeno asked, pouting.

Hah. That cute face won’t work on me anymore.

“Ask your girlfriend.” He deadpanned, turned around and made ways towards the bathroom.

He heard a sudden grumble noises from behind him and in no time, Jeno was already in front of him with an unusual frown etched to his face, eyes grew twice as large and was staring weirdly at him

“What?” Jaemin groaned.

Jeno gripped both of Jaemin shoulders like he can’t believe what he just heard. “Are you jealous?”

Jaemin stare at him in disbelief before he couldn’t take those questioning eyes bore to his own in a great intensity.

Jeno was always the calm, reserved guy that most of the time wouldn’t even showed you his true emotions, so this is a little pressuring, somehow, as he looked away and swatted the latter hands from his shoulder.

“Are you drunk?!” He hissed.

He swatted the other to the side, going to his initial plans on taking his well deserved showered. Maybe he should scrubbed every dirts on his body twice more than usual, and maybe he should cleanse his eyes, from, that shared kiss he managed to catch before.

But as the water grazed down his body, Jaemin felt tears when bit by bit of fragments of the very picture he wanted to forget crashed his vision.

That it hurts.

It hurts so bad to have feelings for someone that wouldn’t, can’t love you back. For how many times you convinced yourself that it’s alright. It’s totally alright because you loved seeing them happy, seeing their smile and them being in love with another person.

But it can’t erase the feeling of your heart shattering everytime, especially when the very subject of your happiness was right beside you when all you wanted was kissing him, to let him know about your feelings, and returned them. All the time.

Jaemin thought; had he been selfish? Had he been so unfair to himself, torturing and getting hurt every single time? Had he done something wrong for blaming the innocent Jeno who thought of him as a friend, had he been deceiving him too?

It all just crashing down on him now, as tears began to teared him into a complete sobbing mess.

Damn it.

It hurts.

✽

When Jaemin was able to calm himself, to get out from his fragile state and toxic minds, he went out of the bathroom with a wet towel draped over his shoulder. His hair is also wet and he had this urge to eat ramyeon or even anything edible for how much energy he had spent on crying.

Guess he had been too stressed lately, both on handling his study and this whole unrequited feelings on his best friend that he had finally snapped and mewled like a baby.

On a much more justification to his part, he thinks maybe this is what it felt like to be an adult, everything just laid out cold and bare for you to figure out, it was hell and Jaemin had everyday trying to survive from whichever shits thrown at him.

Hmm, like right now, when he found Jeno staring at Jaemin’s phone like he just saw a ghost. The former captain was sitting on the edge of his own bed, still looked like how he left him a couple of minutes ago. He looked beaten, he must be tired today too.

But why the hell is he looking at my phone?

Jaemin was about to confront him, throwing some uneasy fits and then cooking them both food because he just needed that extra energy right now, when, Jeno caught his eyes, mouth slightly parted as if he was in the wrong or something.

“Jaemin ah,” Jeno muttered, he sounded scared, and Jaemin started to get worried. “You’ve been sending letters to the radio?”

Jaemin stepped halted all at once.

No .

Jeno looked down on his phone again, as if making Jaemin sure to face the evidence in his hand. “I’m your only best friend, right?”

No…

Jaemin felt like throwing up. This can’t be happening, right? Was he still trapped in his own mind, was he still in the bathroom? Because this;

This perfect scenario of how melodrama plays, of how an easy target he was for life to shit on, this can’t happened...right?

Slowly, fragments of despair and agony on his behalf was flooding his mind. The memory on why he sent those in the first place, thinking that Jeno could never found out that it was him, had turned into blades that pierced his head.

He did wanted the other to know his feelings. But not this. Never like this.

When Jeno is happy with someone else and there wasn’t a place for him anymore.

When Jaemin’s place was only for a friend and he could probably ruined that too.

No.

Jaemin felt like the world is spinning, tears began to welled up in his eyes again as he battled with his own thoughts and heart to be calm and not freak out again because it surely didn’t help. It didn’t fucking help, so calm down.

“Hey, why...don’t cry, Nana…”

It was Jeno’s voice, he was trying to reach for his shoulder but Jaemin just can’t, he can’t, oh my god.

Jaemin swatted his hand away. “No, no, not...don’t, i need to...”

He was freaking out. This is bad. His thoughts were collapsing, everything around him is moving and he felt like stepping on a thin glass that could break anytime.

But Jeno didn’t let go, he won’t go. Like the first time they met and recognize each other existence, he never lets go, he kept on invading his every sense, poisoned it, flourished it, and even now, instead of leaving him alone, Jeno evolved him in a tight hug.

So Jaemin broke down once more, he cried his eyes out again in between those shoulder, because this is sucks.

Everything sucks and he wanted his mom, he wanted Doyoung hyung, or even Jungwoo hyung, or even Zeus up in the sky and not the...the warmth of the person he loved the most in the world.

They kept mushing in the same position for god knows how long, none of them said anything coherent other than muffled tears and everything in between.

When he finally calmed down, Jaemin felt stupid again. It was too much crying for a day and he is still hungry. And the warmth Jeno gave him neither helped him relaxed or suffocated. So Jaemin pulled away slowly, only the other won’t let go of him and instead pull him closer.

“I like you too.”

Jaemin can’t think.

What the hell is he saying?

He like--?

“What?” Jaemin asked, and this time, he pushed his friend away strongly. He might not be the captain to any physical club in high school, but he was doing just fine when it comes to strength against Jeno’s slightly shorter form. “What the hell are you talking about?” He asked him straight in the eyes.

“I like you too.” Jeno answered.

Jaemin felt like laughing. “This isn’t funny, Jeno. i’m gonna kick your face.”

Jaemin waited for him to burst into a fit of laughter, for those eye smiles to slowly appeared, mocking him or something but definitely, he didn’t prepared for Jeno’s determined stare looking at him and not anything else. Like he…

Like he meant it.

“Stop…”

He felt his chin being tilted up by soft fingers, forcing his eyes to landed on those beautiful eyes that was looking at him directly. “I like…”

“Stop it!” Jaemin warded himself away, feeling himself shattered when Jeno looked like he was hurt. “You can’t just--! You can’t, you selfish bastard!”

He felt tears began to sting in his eyes, he was prepared to be rejected, to let his feelings go, to stop loving Jeno this time and not…

Not this.

“Jaemin ah…” Jeno called out his name slowly, so very slowly like he was whispering, tending, mending, but his voice brought Jaemin so much pain, how could it be like this? It never should have come to this. “Jaemin ah, please, i’m begging you, calm down…”

Jaemin just glare at him. “What the fuck are you saying, you cruel, selfish--you had girlfriends! You kissed them, right in front of me and you are telling me now that you like me? That what? You returned my feelings?” he laughed, a cold, maniacal laughter that slowly filled the intense atmosphere in the room. “Don’t give me that bullshit now, Lee Jeno. Why? Are you taking my feelings for granted? That i was worth to be made fun of? To be mocked? To not deserve your love? That i’m disgust--”

Jaemin last breathe stuck inside his throat when Jeno wrapped his palms on his cheeks, knocking all of his breath away by kissing him, forcing his ways down on him and Jaemin thought for a second if he had tasted his own tears, but when he blinked his eyes, and there were nothing, his eyes were dry from anger, and for the first time that night, it wasn’t him who cried.

“I’m sorry.” Jeno whispered, he pulled away only to kissed Jaemin again, placing his hand on the back of Jaemin’s head as if to locked themselves together. “I’m sorry.” He kept on chanting it, and Jaemin himself was too busy, he was too busy fighting his inner demon to pushed Jeno away and not get carried away by those kisses. But he was weak, always too weak for Jeno that he fisted the other t-shirt in his hands to pulled him closer.  

That he will always do whatever he was telling him to do, he will take himself down on every path, if it leads to Jeno. If it had Jeno in it, whichever way, however far and long it takes, Jaemin will follow because…

Because he loves him, with all his heart, body and soul, and it had hurt. It hurts so much.

Jaemin felt his knees giving out, he slowly bent down, taking Jeno with him to the ground but their lips never parted, always intertwining, and for what felt like forever, Jaemin felt himself crying too, so much for the anger, he just felt in much pain and agony now.

He had dreamed of this moment for an awfully long time, but he never thought it would be like this. He never thought he will kissed Jeno, for the first time ever, with tears filled eyes, that there would be pain and agony between their shattering hearts.

He can hear Jeno’s faint whispers of i’m sorrys, over and over again like a manthra. He felt so fragile, so frail and broken, and it was the same for the man in front of him too. How could they got this far on torturing each other? How much pain they held on for them to hurt this much?

They had stopped kissing now, feeling tired as they held on each other like they were afraid something could take them away. Jaemin didn’t remember when exactly did he start to held on, clinged on to Jeno like a koala, and when did the other did the same.

Jeno hadn’t stop crying, it was clear from the way his body still shook and he was holding onto Jaemin like he was afraid Jaemin would go away, would just vanished and disappeared out in a thin air.

It was clear this time for Jaemin.

Jeno did love him. Whatever that was before. Jeno loves him.

His feelings were returned completely.

And even he still can’t fully understand, can’t completely grasp the reality, he held Jeno closely, remembering that Jeno never cried this hard. He never lose his composure, his balance, but the moment Jaemin said those things, the moment Jaemin cried, he was broken too.

“I have to go, Jeno.” He whispered, running his hand up and down Jeno’s back to calm him.

“No…” Jeno muttered, he lets go of his hold only to faced Jaemin. “Where? Stay with me.”

Jaemin closed his eyes. He can’t take this all at the same time. It was too much today, too much heart shattering moments and he was afraid that he will broke down again and he can’t have himself drained, he can’t spent himself in just one night, he’ll die.

“I’ll call Doyoung hyung and stay at his house, you stay here and sleep. We can’t…” he trailed off. “I can’t be with you right now, Jeno, and i know you know why.”

“Is it because of me?”

Jaemin wrapped his palm on Jeno’s cheek. “It will always because of you,” He said, so painstakingly slowly, brushing a finger up and down the cheek of the person he loves. “I never say no to you, so this time, let me be free for a little while or i can’t take it anymore, Jeno. I will die if this continued.”

Jaemin watched as Jeno closed his eyes, placing another hand on top of Jaemin’s on his cheek, nudge it closer and raking in every energy he had left to nod.

“I’ll call Doyoung hyung,” he declared in a final tone. “You pack your clothes and take all the time you need.”

He looked like he wanted to say something, but refrained from doing so.

Jeno got up first, he reached out a hand as if to brushed Jaemin’s hair but he hesitated for a second and ended up retrieving it, forcing on a smile. And Jaemin was grateful somehow, even when every moments felt like a sharp blade down his heart.

Jaemin heard the door to his room being closed, and it took every fiber of his being to not run and reached back for Jeno’s hand to kissed him breathless again, to fix his broken heart, to drown himself down in Jeno’s warmth. But he just broke down on the floor, wishing that the other won’t hear his sobs through closed door.

Before he gathered himself up, and look for a suitcase.

✽

I won’t let you go this time. I’ll wait for you.

Jaemin looked down on his phone, reading those same messages he had read probably countless of time already.

The spring air was blowing in his face as he sat on the chair at his campus, his friends were chatting happily but Jaemin had his melt down when he read those same letters on his phone screen again.

It was sent months ago that Jaemin even forgot how long because he really can’t pinpoint anything exactly anymore.

He had tried everything he can, he had tried to convinced himself that he is alright now, that it’s...it’s okay to try and love somebody else, to erase this pain kept sitting in his gut by the warmth of a new person.

He had tried everything, from blind dates to opened himself up at parties and not held back anymore.

But nothing seems to be working and he just felt empty, it was almost like the night he cried his eyes out had drained him out completely and he is an endless possibilities now, waiting to be written, a blank canvas looking for colorful tones of tint.

He moved out of his comfortable room with Jeno, and the other let him be, smiling so painfully handsome and even helped Jaemin packed his things. He lived with Doyoung and Jungwoo for a while, before he found a new place to dump himself away.

Jaemin didn’t know whether he needed to be grateful that he had so many assignment this semester and almost can’t find the time for himself, whether he was supposed to be happy that his department is in a different building than Jeno’s building.

Sometimes, he did passed Jeno in interception to their separate buildings, they exchanged awkward glances and smiles, but Jeno always walked away first, and it made Jaemin frustrated sometimes.

He was so lost, and the painful thing was; he did know what or who would lead him back home.

Because it’s always been him .

✽

Jaemin knew he was playing a dangerous and stupid game, that he was being selfish, what he didn’t realize was, he was punishing Jeno in the process too.

He was taking his anger out on the person that should received nothing but love from him. That Jaemin wanted to so badly protect, and he just selfishly punished him.

It took three months for him to realize this, and by the time he knew, he bolted out of his house, not caring if he got his sandals mixed up trying to find them and just grabbed his wallet and phone.

He was doing his assignment that was due tomorrow on his laptop, the November air is a touch of brown all over the city, and cold that surely will sacrifice itself for winter.

Sighing continuously, he look at the time, clock ticking in his quiet room and remembered those times he would wait for a certain time to quickly opened the radio channel on his laptop and streamed his favorite DJ’s voice, sometimes waiting whether his letters ever got picked up and be read by Kim Sung Kyung.

He didn’t listened to the radio after that night, it turned out, the radio was calling him that Jaemin had won The Best Listener or something under Tottori-Love and as things played out, Jeno picked the call up and knew about his letters after all.

He really wanted to wailed in despair of how much embarassing it was that he didn’t want to really listened to the radio anymore.

But he was bored tonight, and it was just too quiet in the room that Jaemin can hear his own thoughts.

He almost drifted off to sleep when he heard one of his most favorite ost from Reply 1988 was playing, burying himself on his study table with the lights from his laptop and study lamp as the only lights ghosting his tired figure.

He didn’t even know that the song is finished and the familiar voice of Kim Sung Kyung filled his ears, she still had the most calming voice Jaemin loved so much. He would love to meet her in the future and made her read one line in his favorite book just so he can recorded it to listen before sleep.

“Now it’s time for our most popular segments, the Story of Our Youth. Hmm, i usually picked everything up myself, but this time, i can’t help but choose this one every time they sent something to our editorial. If the listeners remembered, i think this sender and the legendary Tottori-Love is our painful couple,” Jaemin immediately groaned at the mention of his embarrassing past. “Their name is even similar, right? It’s Nana-Love. I wondered what that means.” Kim Sung Kyung admitted. “But i’ll read it out for you tonight, it’s a little sad and i wanted to cry the first time i read it. I think a lot of us is in the same situation too. Unrequited love is indeed, always been painful. Please cheer up and held on okay, Nana-Love nim.”

Jaemin felt his heartbeat in his chest getting louder, out of pace and out of mind.

“Hello Kim Sung Kyung nim, hello the listeners, and hello to the person that i love the most in the world if he ever come across Kim Sung Kyung’s beautiful voice tonight.

Today is a little sad for me, but it was always sad to me since we drifted apart. I fully understand why he wanted to be away from me, that our story had to end and he needed space even when we haven’t properly start anything kekeke.

Listeners nim, what did it felt like to fall in love? Of course i always asked this every time, but let me share mine, okay?

Falling in love is exactly that, falling, it was a force that you can’t held on to anything to not pulled you in. It had felt like that, well for me, that moment happened and i did the exact opposite. I punched him with a ball, everyone, so that was probably still unforgivable. But i carry him? And he turned out to be this ball of rage and explosion of cuteness, i wanted to tell him that i didn’t meant to hurt him, that i just want to get his attention because he is one of the most beautiful person i saw after Miranda Kerr and my mother...

Anyway, i knew this time that i can’t just not get closer to him so we become closer, i think, i kind of forced him to the internet cafe everyday with me but that was consensual, i hope? Since he looked like he enjoyed himself when i purposefully lose on fornite so i can see him smile and kept playing with me.

I love him so much to let him go, so i held on, i didn’t know that it will hurt him because i thought that he could never love me. How did i know? Well, i have a lot of people to prove it to me and never did i saw him get mad, when i flirted with someone, he encourage me, when i kissed someone, he smile at me and cook me my favorite foods. That slowly killed me too, somehow? I don’t know, it felt like i’m not worth of his love too, that i’m so pathetic so i just kept on doing it, in case i ever see him break, just a little peek of his heart reserved for me and i swear, i swear Kim Sung Kyung nim, that i will chase after him.

And now. And now.

Everything is too late. I never know that i hurt him too in the process of me getting hurt. Why do we hurt each other, Kim Sung Kyung nim? Why does it hurt so much to love someone? To have yourself bare and naked to be wounded? But why am i so foolish?

I already knew the answer how.

It was because i never acted on him, i didn’t go and tell him directly how i really feel from a long time ago, and instead kept playing this stupid games of uncertainty. If i was brave enough, we wouldn’t have suffered. If only i never hesitated, he will be in my arms right now and we could still be by each other sides.

But it was too late.

I never wished i could turn back the time so i could say to him that i love him. Always, and forever, wherever that forever ended.”

✽

Oh my god, i’m really doing this.

Jaemin lifted his hand in a tight fist, ready to knocked on a door where he had lived months before this. Nothing drastic really changed, but it looked like they got a new neighbor down the hall.

He had spent his time in the back of the bus hiding both of his unmatched sandals; one is an Olaf slipper Jungwoo hyung bought him last christmas, and the other is a bright, yellow flip flop he got for 1000 won at the convenient store.

He also took his time to calm himself, he will talk, rationally this time without breaking down anymore.

If he got anything from the time he kind of drifted away from his best friend, it was for him to be able to think clearer.

Yes he was hurt, yes he held onto the thinnest hope anyone can gave him, yes he was a fool.

He took his time to validate his own feelings; was it really love, was he truly in love with Jeno or it was just his deprived mind playing tricks and romanticized his fondness to love.

And no.

Everything still hurts if Jeno wasn’t near him, everything seems to be pointless and he was left with emptiness in his heart.

He broke down why he loved Jeno; remembering bits of pictures from the very first time they knew each other, how Jeno stood up for him from the big bullies senior who kept picking on him, how Jaemin loved his round glasses and his insecurities on wearing them, how he just found Jeno to be dependable, as well as gentle.

They worked well together, a good friends, a reliable roommates. They never really fought, other than picking on each other or pointless banters that will settled in a day.

Jeno is his friend first, so whatever happened after this, Jaemin will make sure they will stay like that this time, apologized for taking too many long for a space.

But now that he was in front of his old room, he wanted none of that, he didn’t want to be just friends, he wanted more.

Jaemin wanted to kiss him in the morning, he wanted to be woken up by long eyelashes, he wanted to be asleep seeing Jeno’s serene face, feeling his warmth under the blanket and telling him he loved him every single day without feeling like shit that he can’t get his feelings returned.

So he held his hopes high, hoping for Jeno to forgive him this time, because he will forgive Jeno too for being stupid and thought Jaemin could not love him more than a friend.

Maybe they will forgive each other for being idiots. Total idiots and kissed, and make up and--

The door suddenly clashed open, showing the inside of the room, and a girl by Jeno’s side. She is pretty, long hair and a shades of pink on every parts of her face.

And Jaemin felt his world crumbling. Much like falling in love, he was truly, definitely falling.

Like a fool.

✽

“Will you just stop running!”

Jaemin did the opposite. “No!”

There were times he was glad that his hobby was running, had joined the track team back in his junior days and won a couple competitions while he was at it. It really came in handy when he tried to flee from everything Jaemin wanted to avoid.

Like Jeno chasing him down on the empty street like he stole his diamond or something.

Everything seemed to be a shit tons of inconvenients because Jaemin did stopped running, when he looked back, Jeno was still chasing after him, and for an unknown reason of a goddamn series of unfortunate events in his life, a policeman was also chasing behind Jeno, shouting in the air that they just cause a public disturbance.

Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me.

✽

“Yes, Sir.”

           Jaemin had his hands to himself as he sneak a glance to the policeman, his ID card was in the older man hand who kept inspecting it carefully after scolding the two with the importance on keeping their problems inside the house.

Because Jeno suddenly blurted out something like; “We are a couple, Sir. My boyfriend here thought he caught me cheating with a girl so i chase him down to explain things to him.”

The policeman had looked at them with raised brows, while Jaemin looked at Jeno with a glint of humor in his eyes, because what is he? A freaking script writer?!

The policeman then told them to go home, but not before patting them both by their shoulders. “It must be tough for you guys now, quickly made up and don’t get in a fight anymore. Just remembered that there still people like me who will support you guys. Love whoever you wanted to love.”

And the policeman left, giving both his and Jeno’s ID back.

Jaemin had a moment in awed. That was…

Amazing.

He looked at Jeno and the other had almost the same expression as him before they caught each other eyes and burst in a fit of laughter.

“Bless him.”

“What a nice man.”

They both said at the same time.

Jaemin was still laughing when Jeno suddenly brushed something off his hair and just like that, he felt like he had stopped breathing, as well as laughing.

“Sorry,” Jeno sighed, retrieving his hand from Jaemin’s hair. “There was dried flower on your head.”

Jaemin sniffled so he could hide his embarrassed face, while Jeno looked everywhere but to Jaemin’s side.

“I’m sorry.” Ironically, they both said it at the same time.

Goddamnit. This didn’t just happened. No, no, why did it felt like they were in a romance drama. God, no.

“I’m sorry i ran away, i wasn’t supposed to be involved with your...relationship. I’m sorry…”

“God,” Jeno groaned. “Stop right there.”

Jaemin looked at him questioningly, before Jeno held his hand and dragged him away from there. They were not really far from Jeno’s building, the road was awfully quiet because it was like what? 11 PM?

Jeno did brought them back to the front of his door, Jaemin’s heart beat loudly from every feet they went closer near the room.

The room was closed, Jaemin didn’t even remember whether Jeno had closed it before or not when he suddenly bolted out of the scene from too many images of Jeno and every other girls he had dated before this.

He would like to held a decent conversation, but he wasn’t having it that night, he wondered had he held his hope too high this time that falling from the ladder was just too hurt his heart felt like being slashed again.

Jeno put on the passcode, Jaemin thought he had change the lock when he moved out, but it isn’t, it’s still the same as before.

And he wasn’t sure whether he should be grateful or not, he didn’t want to put any hopes into anything anymore, he’ll accept things as it is from now on, however painful it could be.

Their taunted hands didn’t help at all, so Jaemin pulled on his hand slowly and Jeno sighed tiredly when they parted.

The room wasn’t that much different either, still the same like nothing really change.

“Before you speculate on anything, or before you even thought on bolting away and make me and that policeman chased you again, the woman that you saw before is our new neighbor, she just moved recently and i helped her move in her stuff all evening.” Jeno explained.

“Oh.” Jaemin muttered.

“And she is married. Her husband is a Japanese man working his late night shift.”

“ Oh .”

“Yeah, oh .”

People said falling in love made you blind, Jaemin thought falling in love made him an idiot.

“Sorry…”

“For?”

“Jumping into conclusion…”

“And?”

“Ran away to act like an idiot.”

He heard Jeno laugh as he lowered himself tiredly on the couch while Jeno is walking to the kitchen.

This is tiring and embarrassing all at the same time. Jaemin couldn’t help himself to be in a better situation where he appeared to be wise, he just felt so childish.

“Why are you wearing two different sandals? Isn’t that the yellow flip flop i gave you the other day?”

Great. Just great.

Jaemin tried to hide his feet, accepting a glass of water offered by Jeno.

“I came in a rush.” He said after gulping down one glass at a time.

“Why?”

Fine. Let’s be mature for once and be honest.

“I listened to the radio today,” he began. Jeno was eyeing him curiously, as if he was waiting for something from the opposite to where Jaemin sat. “And i feel like it was you, the--nana-love--Kim Sung Kyung read the letter to.” Jaemin watched Jeno’s reaction, but he just wait patiently while Jaemin broke a sweat trying to let everything out. “And i went here quickly because i thought that the person you were talking about was me and i’m happ--”

Jaemin couldn’t finish his sentence because Jeno went ahead and silence him with a kiss, a deep kiss that left him breathless.

“Happy?” he asked, eyes trained on Jaemin’s lips. “Are you happy hearing me confessed to you to the whole nation? Do you love me too, Na Jaemin? Say it. I need you to say it.”

I love you.

He wanted to shouted it, loud and clear until it echoes inside Jeno’s heart so that he would know, so that it could erase years they had hurt each other for something that should be healed by a simple i love you, by simply being brave and show the person you cared about that you truly love them.

Jaemin circled his hands on Jeno’s collar, looking straight to his eyes, pulling and kissing him again. It felt nothing like their first kiss, no more tears and unsettling feelings. It was just them blending in time and happiness. He didn’t want to say anything else, he was so sure.

“I love you,” he pressed their lips together. “I love you, i love you, i love you.” With each, he promised and sealed it with a kiss.

He can feel Jeno’s smile against his lips, before they fall in deeper, feeling restless. He felt like he could do this forever, wherever the hell forever ended.

So why. Just why do he had to have assignment tomorrow and OH MY GOD.

He pushed Jeno away.

Jeno looked at him with bewilderness, with betrayal because Jaemin had pushed him too hard he fell on the floor.

“My homework!” Jaemin shouted. “My fucking homework, Jeno!”

✽

Jaemin typed furiously on his laptop, thankfully the world of internet is a wondrous place and he was smart enough to kept his file on Cloud so he could borrow Jeno’s laptop rather than going back to his unit.

He thought it would be a hassle since he was being an idiot and decided to have a good night run, so his energy was already spent.

But now, he wondered if the quiet in his unit is better because Jeno is being nothing but a distraction.

“Come back and live with me again.”

Jaemin huffed out a breath. “No.”

“No?”

Jaemin shook his head, searching for one memories in the past that could be plausible for Jeno’s clingy behavior right now.

The former captain had his arms circled around Jaemin’s hips who was sitting on the floor with a portable table and a laptop, trying his best on finishing his assignment. But noooo , Jeno decided to being so lovable and made Jaemin wanted to tackle him on the floor and kiss him breathless.

Thank god he had a good resistance, and an unapologetic mad professor.

“No.” He deadpanned.

“Why?” Jeno kept on nuzzling to his neck and Jaemin would have flinched away if someone was touching him there, but he felt the opposite, he felt like he could be forever comfortable in that position.

“I like living alone, i still can afford it since i had a part time job now and i know you can pay your rent just fine. And besides,” he trailed off, looking off his shoulder to find Jeno’s beautiful eyelashes greeting him and felt like he needed to pause just to appreciate them, making the other shy away a little. “I feel like i wouldn’t be able to do anything properly if i live with you here.”

“Why?” Jeno had the audacity to fluttered his eyes like a bambi or something-- damn it --and turned Jaemin around to face him, they were inches closer and he swore they could’ve bumped their foreheads together. “Because i’ll do this?”

Jaemin diverted his eyes from Jeno’s eyelashes down to his lips, giving him a cunning smile, before he moved closer to the other space, nose bumping and lips a breathe away.

He proceed to tickled Jeno’s tummy and forced him to cackled away like an idiot.

“I’ve got to finished this tomorrow for my 8 AM class, now go to sleep or i’m gonna kick you if you dare to distract me again.” Jaemin hissed.

Jeno looked like he’d been betrayed all over again, his eyes were wide and Jaemin felt a tiny bit of regret that he pushed him away before. Just slightly.

But Jeno had a glint of mischief in his eyes then, and Jaemin was prepared to attack him with another tickling war when Jeno locked Jaemin’s hands with one of his hand in a rather slow motion, he reached up with the other hand to pulled the back of Jaemin’s head and kissed his forehead.

“Don’t sleep too late,” he said after he planted a chaste kiss that left Jaemin with nothing but warmth. “Come cuddle me when you’re done.”

Then he stood up, with the kindest and most handsome smile.

Jaemin felt like he could die at the spot.

Because this is it. This is what it felt like to be loved, he would trade everything he had in his life to experience this, even when he is poor and didn’t have anything left to offer, Jaemin would do anything to be loved like this.

When Jeno slowly disappeared into his own room leaving Jaemin alone in the living room, Jaemin clutched his chest tightly in a fist, crumpling his shirt like it had the wrong.

He wanted to scream, screamed to the whole world that this is it. Love felt so good like this; it isn’t torture, it is nurture. It isn’t painful, it’s meaningful if you are with the right person.

Love is something to be learned, if it was through pain, then it will hopefully morphed into something that you will eventually appreciated. Whether it’d be with the person you always dreamed of, with the person you least expected, or by yourself.

Just hold on, okay?

Everyone is an equal fool when it comes to love.

END