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"Are you sober yet?" Bonnie asks this for this fifth time that night, and Caroline can still feel the gush of warmth in her chest, the slow rush in her head. Lifting her head up to look at Bonnie, the lights slightly bend, and she knows she's fucked.
"No." She exhales out, and puts her face in her hands. Stupid, stupid.
"Keep drinking. I gotta get you home—I gotta get me home." Bonnie replies with a laugh, but she's not thinking about anything except her absence of a love life. Her failed ability to get one.
Caroline pouts at her, verge of tears. "Why didn't he go for me? I mean how come, the guys that I want, never want me?" She holds back her patheticness and gives Bonnie all her desperation. She's unwanted. Especially compared to Elena.
But Bonnie brushes her off. "I'm not touching that."
It's not fair. "I'm inappropriate, I always say the wrong thing." She feels herself cringing and she rubs her temples.
It's not fair.
"And.. Elena always says the right thing—she doesn't even try! And he just picks her. And she's always the one that everyone picks, for everything." She says this bitterly. Elena has always been perfect. She can't get to her level. She's not even a close second. Guys always want the soft eyed, brown haired, sweetheart girl. It doesn't help that she's always been half in love with her—.
She shoves it down, like the bile rising in her throat.
"And I try so hard, and I'm never the one that..."
Bonnie interrupts, uneasy. "It's not a competition, Caroline."
Giving her a sharp look, she wonders how Bonnie could miss it. How everything is always a race. To be the IT girl. To be the chosen one. To be Elena's. All she is, and ever has been, is sad little Caroline.
It's not fair.
"Yeah, it is."
-
The next week goes by, and she doesn't do anything but go to class, and pine over the new guy and Elena. It's pathetic. She couldn't have Elena. And she couldn't have anybody else either because they all wanted Elena too. It sucked. Worse than when her dad left. Worse when it was because he was gay. She felt disgust boil under her skin at the thought of that being her label. She didn't see other girls, which made her think her attraction to Elena was a fabrication made up of her envy. Wanting to be Elena turning into wanting to be with her.
She avoided all her friends. Bonnie would give her sympathetic glances, and Elena was wrapped up with Stefan. Laughing at his jokes, touching his arm and squeezing it in that affectionate way she does. He shows her something on his phone, and her eyebrows go up. What was it, she wondered.
Rolling her eyes, she checks to make sure she scheduled a cheer practice. She needed a sense of belonging, of being number one.
She tries not to let the insecure itch plague her show. She looks just as good as the rest of them, she reminds herself. All guys care about are the tight pants, the low tank tops. It doesn't matter if she can't smile as pretty as Elena. At least she knows she's flexible.
No one likes cheap. No one likes easy.
"Okay. Let's go over the routine one more time!" She throws her arms up in the air and plasters on a smile. Catching Elena's eyes, she sees her lips purse, face almost longing.
She looks away and doesn't think about it.
"You know I love you, right Care?" Elena says, leaning beside her as she rummages through her locker. Her face heats up as she looks for her a highlighter. Suddenly Elena's hand is grabbing her arm, forcing her to stop.
"Yeah, Elena. I love you too." She finds it shoved in a folder, and shoves it into her backpack. "I gotta go to class."
"But—Wait—."
Slamming her locker shut, she doesn't even look at Elena. "Mr. Goodrich is on the other side of the building. I'll see ya later!" She waves her hand over her shoulder and scurries away.
Sometimes, Caroline wishes she was just in love with herself.
As she sits in class waiting for the hour to pass over, she thinks of sweeter, simpler times. They used to be so close. Hooked at the hip, with Bonnie of course. She gnaws on her lip and tastes peach lip gloss, and feels heat at the back of her neck at a memory she wished lasted longer.
"Come on, what does it taste like?" Elena asks, eyes bright, crinkled with laughter.
Caroline laughs, licking her lips a second time. "It tastes exactly like how you'd think Peach lip gloss would taste like! It's very.. Peachy." She smiles at her own joke, which only grows bigger as Elena laughed.
"Well let me try some!"
Shoving the bottle in her hands, Caroline says. "Slather it on and see for yourself! I'm not kidding you."
Elena twists the bottle around, thinking. Looking up at Caroline, she asks. "Why don't I just try it from you?"
That makes her jerk back. "What?" She asks, confused.
"I mean—" Elena stutters, "—I mean you just bought this gloss for $7. You still have some on and you're about to wipe it off! I'll just taste it off of you."
What? Caroline shook her head, butterflies swirling. "Ooookayy." She draws out the word, letting Elena know that she thinks this is weird, but Elena merely grabs her face and drags it towards her.
Elena draws Caroline's lip into her mouth, and it's the closest thing to a kiss Caroline's ever gotten. She closes her eyes and pretends that this isn't what it seems. They're friends, they're 15. Matt is gonna ask Elena out next weekend, and she's gonna ask about their first date and their first kiss. She doesn't get to have more than this.
And just like that, it's over. Elena pulls back, both of them focused on the web of spit still between them. Drawing in a breath, Elena smiles nervously at Caroline. "You're right, Care. It's very peachy."
They spend the rest of their night acting as if it never happened.
Thinking about Elena's lips on hers has Caroline dreaming hopelessly all over again. Elena didn't mean anything by it. It's just what girls did. Part of her knew that Elena was just too embarrassed to kiss Matt for the first time. She explained to Elena that it's perfectly normal to practice on your friends before kissing your first boyfriend. But all she had to do was ask. Not pretend to try her lip gloss.
She huffs to herself and flips through her text book, drawing loops and hearts in the margins. She ignores the way they form "E's" and tries to focus on the lesson instead. She just has too much Elena in her life.
Or maybe not enough.
It's 10:30 PM and there's a knock at the door. Suddenly her mom is yelling for her to come down and greet her friends.
"Who is it?" She asks, tired from the day. She's puzzled that anyone would want to be talking to her, hanging out with her, especially at this hour.
But of course, she reaches the bottom of the stairs and realizes Elena is at the door, lifting the grocery bag in her hands.
"I bought you some ice cream.. and that one ice tea you like..?" Elena persuades her way in the door, and all of Caroline's grief melts in that moment.
"Oh Elena, you're amazing." Caroline gives her a grin and hugs her, feeling her chilled face against hers. They stay like that for a moment before pulling apart, smiling at each other again.
"Would you like to come in, or are you just dropping off a goodie bag?" She half jokes, but hopes she doesn't have to be by herself tonight. She'd hate to be alone, after all this time. It wasn't fair that she always had to go to other people. Hopefully this was Elena coming to her for a change.
"I'd love that, Care." The squint in Elena's eyes match her smile, and Caroline melts all over again.
They spend hours, and hours, and hours; talking about everything they missed in what seemed to be years but only a week. It starts out slow, like a flame in a lonely candle. Soon enough it's spilling and spreading and Caroline cries when Elena asks about her family. Elena, so selfless and so good to her that she can't believe she's ever been bitter.
"I get it Caroline, really." Elena's soft expression gives her heart a little thump that she can't ignore even if she wanted to. There's so much that she wants to say back. I get that you're hurting too. I'm sorry both our families are broken. Maybe we can mend each other.
There's a warmth over her hand, and she realizes too late that Elena's holding her hand, rubbing her thumb across Caroline's knuckles. It makes her heat face up, and she squeezes her fingers before she thinks about what she's doing. She just wants this, she wants Elena, and she doesn't know how to tell her.
Looking up, there's only Elena's lips to focus on. They're inching closer, and closer. Her heart beats loud in her ears, so hard that can feel it lump up in her throat like a sickness. Before Caroline can even register her actions, she's pressing her mouth to Elena's.
There's a gasp that erupts out of both of them, but doesn't stop the motions. Their lips chase each other around, slick and hotter than any summer she's experienced in Mystic Falls. A taste lingers on her mouth, and Caroline softly bites the corner of Elena's lip as she reaches for more.
And Elena isn't stopping her. It should something that ended five seconds ago, a minute. It shouldn't have been allowed to happen in the first place, and Caroline can still Elena's hands finding their place on her hips, she can still feel her leaning in for more. Even though she's never seen Elena place an interest in girls. Even though she's dating the newest guy in town, Stefan.
Stefan.
Caroline pulls back hard enough to give her whiplash, and a flash of hurt comes across Elena's face as Caroline tries to catch her breath.
"What... What about Stefan?" Caroline asks in an exhale, as she pushes down her old feelings again, tucking away their kiss like receipt back in her jeans. She'll never understand why she lets herself do this, but knows it's the only way to keep herself steady.
Elena, now showing a look of confusion, says. "What about Stefan?" She stares at Caroline like she's grown three heads, like she's the idiot in the room.
It makes her scoff, unbelieving this is her night. "You know exactly what I'm talking about! You two are dating! You have been since he first came into town!" It's painful, and she can't believe Elena would make her say it, make her think about it.
This has Elena laughing too, and now Caroline is confused. "We're not dating, Caroline! Look—if you don't believe me, you can just ask him yourself. I'm sure he'd be happy to tell you about how happy he and his boyfriend are."
Silence follows this, letting the air grow stale as Caroline tries to reboot her brain, repeating to herself those last words. He and his boyfriend. It shouldn't even be possible, to be granted this kind of luck. Forbes' don't get anything but the short end of the stick.
Elena is laughing again, and she's kissing Caroline softly, pecking the corners of her mouth before pulling back and letting her see the glimmer in her eye.
"Oh." She replies, letting her face be loved on by her best friend, wanting more than anything for all of this to be real.
"I promise you, Care." Elena says with conviction. "If I'm going to be dating anyone this year, it's you."
They keep kissing under the low lights of her bedroom, before laying under the covers and gaze at each other. There’s a genuine look of zeal on Elena’s face, and she wonders how she missed this.
Falling asleep, side by side, Elena places an arm over Caroline’s waist, tucking herself right up against her back. All she does is cross her fingers and hope that for once this wasn’t all a dream.
In the first hours of the morning, Caroline is awake. It was already a feat that she slept at all, but she didn’t want to chance missing Elena slip out at any point.
There’s a squeeze on her hip, sending a jolt through her entire body. She still doesn’t know what to think of this, how far it will go.
They get ready together, and when Elena asks to put on one of her sweaters she feels like she might turn into a puddle on the floor. As soon as Elena pulls one over her head, Caroline can’t help but tug her close by the loops on her jeans.
“Hi.” Elena says quietly, a small laugh in her voice.
Instead of replying, she gives her a long and heated kiss, letting the slide of their mouths fuel the heat in her belly.
She slides her lips down and places them on her neck, pulling a giggle out of Elena.
She says softly, “You know we have to go to school soon.” It’s a statement that Caroline doesn’t want to hear.
She lifts her head and fixes Elena’s sweater that rode up under Caroline’s hands. She doesn’t think about the skin underneath there, or what she wants to do to that very skin.
Getting ready in silence, they both work in a timely speed and head out the door without a second thought.
Before she can get in her own car though, Elena grabs her hand and tugs her down to her own car. They’re riding together.
Once they pull into the high school, Elena gives her another one of her winning smiles and asks her if she’s ready. She only nods and tries to assume what comes next.
Elena still holds her hand, coming out of the vehicle. They still holds hands as everyone does a double take at the sight.
And before she knows it, they’re sitting at a picnic table in front of Stefan, who’s staring at his phone. He looks up the second he feels their eyes on him, and grins.
“So you finally told her, right?” Stefan asks, gesturing to their hands tangled together.
“You would be correct, Stefan.” Elena shares the same grin, like they were in on a secret this whole time.
It has Caroline backpedaling. “Am I missing something?” Unsure of what’s going on, she tries to pull her hand away, but Elena clutches on real tight.
Stefan explains, “She’s been trying to gather the courage to ask you out for awhile. And I finally gave her the incentive to actually to talk to you.” There’s a pointed look at Elena, who turns beet red.
“Oh.” Is all Caroline says. A squeeze to her hand shoots warmth up her belly. She squeezes back.