Chapter Text
Twas the day before Christmas, and all through the house
JoJo villains on Discord were typing, some clicking a mouse!
They called each other names, like dickbutt, and fuckface
Then, it just so happened that they....uh....(psst what rhymes with face?)
Ah fuck it, I'm done of rhyming.
Everyone knows the drill to this series. The fuckers were on Discord, discussing important things. Let's tune in and see what they were....
Heartman: Okay, so Mariah: Smash or pass?
Actually, let's go further down. Sorry you had to see this.
I, DIO: @everyone COME ON IN IN THE SERVER YOU HO HO HOES I GOT ANOTHER PLAN TO RUIN THE JOESTAR BLOODLINE.
GucciPucci: I'm here
Heartman: This should be rich. Yeah?
Di@v0l0: Fuck Christmas.
Heartman: Seriously you're getting as bad as Doppio. Christmas is great you cretin.
Di@v0l0: I don't care what you think you obese fuck, I hate Christmas, I hate people, and I hate giving.
HelloKira: Well that's nice, Diavolo, considering I didn't get you anything.
Heartman: LMAOOOOOO
I, DIO: @everyone SHUT THE FUCK UP, ALL OF YOU!!! NOW LISTEN TO ME. BACK WHEN I LIVED WITH JONATHAN, WE WOULD GO TO OUR WINTER HOME TO CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS.
GucciPucci: A winter home? How...backwards. I thought you would have had a summer home.
I, DIO: I DO IT'S CALLED YOUR HOUSE LAUGHING OUT LOUD. SO ANYWAY. JONATHAN INVITES ALL THE JOESTARS TO CELEBRATE THE HUMAN HOLIDAY OF CHRISTMAS. I JUST SO HAPPEN TO REMEMBER WHERE IT IS. WE WILL GO THERE AND GET REVENGE.
GucciPucci; You already know my answer, Dio. I am ready at your beck and call.
Heartman: Does the house have stairs to push Johnny down on?
I, DIO: @Heartman Yes
Heartman: LET'S GET THIS BREAD.
HelloKira: I'd rather be alone, so, sorry can't make it.
GucciPucci: *Inserts the same threatening blackmail that was in Yoshikage Kira Watches Spider Man 2 (Remember that one? That fic where I was actually active and funny? Yeah that)*
HelloKira: Oh fuck you got me. You got me good Mr. $800 pants holy shit how would I ever recover I'm in.
Somewhere, out there, Kars was writing a pigeon mail letter saying that he would go. During my school hiatus, it appears as if he still has not wanted to use Discord. I bet he uses Skype, dirty whore.
Di@v0l0: I told you fuckers already. I hate Christmas. I don't like holidays. Take a fucking hike.
Heartman: @GucciPucci Look at this. Guy gets an anime and he thinks he's hot shit now.
GucciPucci: @Heartman Sad! Can't wait for you to show his ass when your time comes.
Heartman: Oh I will, I'm the most liked after all~
I, DIO: DIAVOLO, WHY DO YOU NOT LIKE CHRISTMAS.
Di@v0l0: Ever have a priest for a dad? They're ANNOYING. I always played Joseph in the fucking plays. Always Joseph. He said it reflected my "inner workings as an actor". What a sack of shit. Guy shoved it all in my face and I hated it.
GucciPucci: Jesus if you wanted to say you hated me, you could have just said it.
Heartman: Dude. Get off of your high horse. Since you don't like something, it doesn't mean you get to ruin it for everybody else.
Di@v0l0: @Heartman Fuck you.
HelloKira: Seriously? You're acting like a child right now. Even Shigechi is more mature than you, and that bitch doesn't know how to blow his nose.
I, DIO: YOU GUYS LET'S GO INTO THE DIAVOLO FREE SHITTALKING SERVER WE NEED TO DO SOME BLACKMAIL.
Di@v0l0: NO
HelloKira: Lmao okay.
Some time passed before everyone got into the main server again, ready to give Diavolo what he deserved....
I, DIO: WE ARE BACK. DIAVOLO IF YOU DO NOT GO WITH US ON CHRISTMAS, WE WILL CALL LA SQUADRA AND HAVE THEM ROAST YOU ON YOUR TIKTOK.
Di@v0l0: NOOO NOT MY TIKTOK THEY WILL FIND OUT ABOUT MY IDENTITY THAT WAY
Heartman: Hit or miss, I guess they'll know your name, huh
Di@v0l0: YOU ARE NEARLY 50 YEARS OLD HOW DO YOU KNOW TIKTOK MEMES.
Heartman: I get around, idiot. It also helps that the author of this fic is nineteen years old. What she knows, we all know.
Di@v0l0: Fuck. I'll do it, but I won't be happy.
And that is our first chapter in this wondrous tale, of mischief, mayhem, and goofs galore! However this story is far from over, we would have to see what happens next...
(Spoilers: More stupid shit)