Work Text:
Stan, I think I'm gay.”
Kyle had always known who he was, even if he wasn't quite comfortable with it. He always knew where he stood and what he wanted. Stan had always admired that about him. He never hesitated when times got tough and he tried his hardest to do what he thought was right.
Stan, on the other hand, had no idea who he was and who he wanted to be. He had spent four years playing football even though he hated it and he still wasn't sure whether or not he liked Wendy. Hell, he wasn't even sure if he liked girls. Kyle though, Kyle was sure, Kyle wasn't afraid or embarrassed of himself. Kyle was afraid to tell people yeah, but he didn't try to hide anything or pretend that he liked girls.
Kyle had always been the tougher one, even though many people gave Stan that title simply because he was physically stronger. Kyle didn't need to be strong to be tough. Too many times Stan had frozen up and Kyle had to pull him out of it. Too many times Stan's fight or flight response had short circuited and Kyle either had to uppercut someone or grab his hand and force his legs to move. Too many times had Stan thought his life was over and Kyle had to show him that high school was dumb and didn't fucking matter.
High school. Stan wishes it wasn't over, wishes he still had four more years of living with his parents, only a stone's throw away from Kyle. Wishes that he didn't have to start thinking about the person he wanted to be because he sure as hell wasn't ready to.
He snaps himself out of his thoughts that he'd prefer not to think about to concentrate on the last homework assignment of the mandatory school system. Or at least he hoped it was. If a teacher gave homework the last week of school that was just cruel.
What do you want to be? The assignment stared at him. Oh right. That's why he had started thinking about that in the first place.
He pushed his swivel chair from his desk, disturbing Sparky in the process. The dog let out a tired groan from under the desk and stood up.
“Sorry Sparks.” Stan whispered, getting out of his chair to sit on the rug, beckoning Sparky to come closer. Sparky plodded over to Stan and sat down next to him, resting his head on Stan's leg.
“I'm gonna miss you Sparky.” Stan said, beginning to rub Sparky's neck. “ I have to go to stupid college so I can get a job that I hate and start a family with someone I don't love.” The dog let out a small woof in reply.
College, Stan had been dreading it since the beginning of the year. He was looking forward to being independent and finally getting out of fucking South Park but that was it. The idea of college wouldn't have sucked so hard if he knew Kyle would be with him. But he knew Kyle wouldn't. Kyle would insist on going to a great school, one where Stan wouldn't be able to follow. He wasn't mad at Kyle, he had potential, and it would be a shame to waste it because of Stan's insecurities. But Stan didn't think they would be going to colleges on opposite sides of the country.
Stan bit his lip, all his life he had never been more than a few hours away from Kyle and now they weren't even going to be in the same time zone. He felt tears welling in his eyes but he quickly wiped then away, he had cried enough over it already.
He sat there, petting Sparky for another fifteen minutes or so, wallowing in his sadness, before he heard a knock on the window. He stood up and opened the window. A flash of curly red hair toppled unceremoniously onto his bed.
“Hey dude.” Kyle said, grinning up at him. Stan wasn't exactly expecting him but for the last month or so one of them would sneak out of their rooms and into the other's. Every night.
“Hey,” Stan greeted, combing his hand through Kyle's curls, “what's up?”
“Just wanted to talk to you, same as always.” Kyle said, grabbing Stan's wrist and moving it out of his hair. Kyle always did that but Stan still felt disappointed that he wasn't allowed to play with Kyle's hair.
“Well?”
Kyle got up and moved to Stan's desk, stepping over Sparky. “Ah, you haven't finished it either.”
“Nope, I have no clue what I want to do with my life.” Stan said, flopping onto the bed.
“Oh come on, I'm sure you have some idea,” Kyle said, flopping back onto the bed right next to Stan “just say what you want to major in in college or something.”
“Dude, I don't even know that.” Stan pouted, weaving his fingers around Kyle's.
Kyle sighed. “To tell you the truth, I don't either.”
This came as a shock. “Really? I thought you already had your whole life figured out.”
Kyle scoffed. “My parents have my whole life figured out, I've just been going along with it so far. Also, dude, if you have your life figured out at age eighteen then you're jumping headfirst into a midlife crisis.”
Stan can't argue with that, but he thought at least Kyle would have some idea.
“Dude, you're staring at me like I just grew a second head.”
Stan blinks out of his trance. “Sorry, it's just, well, you've always known who you are and what you want and so I'm surprised that you don't know. I've never known what I wanted or who I am, I don't even know if I want to go to college.”
Kyle squeezes his hand. “I hate to tell you this Stan, but I have no idea what I want either, I've been following the plan my mom's set out for me since forever and I never really questioned it. I know I don't want to follow her plan anymore but I don't know what I want specifically.”
“I mean, you know what I mean, even though you may not act on it sometimes, you've always known who you are and even though you don't know what you want right this second, you'll be able to find it.” Stan isn't quite sure what he means, but he knows his words are true.
“Will I?” Kyle says, his head swiveling toward Stan, emerald eyes laced with doubt. “I've been living under my mom all these years, too afraid to chase my own dreams. What if I don't know what they look like anymore? What if I can't defy her and end up becoming a stupid doctor or a lawyer because I don't know what else to do?” Uncertainty is something Kyle so rarely shows, it's almost frightening to see Kyle's walls crumble at the fear of the future.
“Hey, don't say that. Nobody forgets what their dreams look like, the only people who do things they don't want to do are the people who never had dreams in the first place. Kyle, I've known you my whole life and I know that you're going to do something fun and amazing and fantastic and you're going to have the best time doing it. Fuck what your parents think, as soon as we leave this shithole they're not gonna have any power over us.” Stan almost yelled, sitting up in the heat of the moment.
Kyle's eyes go wide and then soften. “Thanks Stan, really. You have no idea how much that means to me.” Kyle sits up too and hugs Stan tight. Stan's breath hitches at the contact and he automatically returns the hug.
“Of course dude, you're gonna go far, so far I won't be able to see you.”
Kyle stops the hug and pulls away, putting his hands on Stan's shoulders. “Stan, look at me. Don't ever say that, you're gonna go just as far as I am, okay. I'm never going to leave you behind, do you hear me? We're going to soar together, we're going to leave this town in the dust together. You and me Stan, no exceptions.” Kyle's eyes burn with the passionate fire that Stan is much more used to.
“Dude, seriously. I'm deadweight, I'm just going to hold you back if you wait for me. I'm the one who doesn't know who I am, I'm the one without dreams.” Stan looks away, unable to maintain eye contact, the truth burns in his throat.
Kyle shakes him so violently he feels like he might throw up. “Godammit Stan! You've known me you're whole life, and so have I! Don't you dare say you don't have dreams, I've seen your dreams since we were five. You say you don't know who you are, well I fucking do. You're Stan fucking Marsh and you're my best friend! You're kind and you're sweet and you always try to help people who can't help themselves. And yeah you can get a little carried away sometimes but we all do. You're always trying to stick up for the little guy because you have a good heart, the best I've ever seen. You always try to help people and you've gotten me through so much shit I don't even know how to pay you back. And you're so fucking sweet and I'm going to miss you so much.” Kyle bursts into tears and starts sobbing on Stan's shoulder, hugging his waist like a lifeline. “And I'm so fucking sorry that I decided to go to school so far away and if I could do it again I would. I don't even want to be there, I just did what my fucking mom wanted and now I'm stuck and you're not gonna be there and it's going to suck so much ass!”
Stan's lip starts to quiver and he can't help the gross, ugly sob that comes out of his mouth. “Dude I'm going to to miss you so fucking much too. You're my fucking rock and I don't know how I'm going to live without you with me. I'm so, so scared and I don't know what I'm going to do. You're always so brave and you always know what to do and you've saved me from myself so many fucking times and I'm such a fucking mess sometimes and you're the only one who knows how to help. I don't want you to leave me alone.” Stan cries into Kyle's curls and hugs him as tight as he can.
“I'm never going to fucking leave you alone, you can be on another goddamn planet and I'll find a way to get to you. I'm not going to let you slip through my fingers, I'm going to call you every day and I'm going to visit you whenever I can and I'm going to apply to a closer college and we're going to get through this and then we'll chase our dreams together.” They must look ridiculous right now, crying into each other like it's the end of the world, but Stan doesn't care. All that matters is that he has Kyle and Kyle has him.
“Hey Kyle.” Stan says when their crying dies down, his eyes puffy and probably bloodshot.
“Yeah.” Kyle says, eyes equally puffy, with the red accentuated the green of his eyes.
“I love you.” Stan says, cupping Kyle's cheeks in his hands.
Kyle does the same. “I love you too, and I've always loved you and you mean the whole fucking world to me.”
“I think you're the only person I love and ever have loved. I mean I like my parents, but I love you.” Stan doesn't think he's ever said anything more true in his whole life.
“I'm never going to love anyone the way I love you.” Kyle says, then leans in and pecks Stan's lips so fast he's not sure if it really happened.
Stan's mouth goes agape, his brain tries to process what just happened and fails.
“I-I'm sorry,” Kyle stutters, “I, it just felt right and I-”
Stan cuts Kyle off by slamming his him mouth into Kyle's. He has no idea what he's doing but, fuck, it feels so right.
When they finally pull away, neither of them say a word. Stan simply gets up, turns off the light, and slides under the covers with Kyle. They can deal with the logistics of this new side to their relationship tomorrow, right now, he just wants to sleep next to Kyle and never let him go.
They have all summer.