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Sometimes Sora dreamt that Riku’s eyes were yellow again. Everything would be totally normal and he’d look up, and Riku wouldn’t be Riku anymore. His eyes were yellow and cruel and he looked at Sora like he was a bug. A bug he wanted to take his time squashing.
Sora was used to the bad dreams now.
He opened his eyes. Everything in his dark room reformed itself from the terrifying shadows of his dream into the familiar comforting shapes of his dresser, his chair, his nightstand. His hands were aching from being curled into fists and his jaw throbbed from being clenched and his chest was filled with panic for just a second - one, two, three - before it turned to dread.
It always went like this when he woke up.
“Calm down, stupid heart.” He pulled the pillow over his head and closed his eyes, taking deep breaths. This always happened too. He’d wake up, heart pounding, sometimes crying, and he just couldn’t get his heart to calm down. He’d wake up and know it was a dream and he just wouldn’t be able to make his heart believe it. “I hate you.” Like last night and the night before, he got out of bed.
There were four windows between Sora’s room and Riku’s room, which meant four patches of moonlight. Sora darted from one moonlit patch of floor to the next, like a kid. He remembered making Riku play along with him, too; he remembered how Riku would say something like “That’s for babies, Sora,” and then play along anyways. He used to say things like that a lot, but Sora never cared, because he knew what Riku meant.
This time, he made it to Riku’s room without touching a single dark bit of floor, and opened it as quietly as he could.
Riku’s bed was directly under the window and he always kept a light on at night, so Sora could see him perfectly. He was curled up under the covers, just the top of his head peeking out. He didn’t even wake up when Sora opened the door, so he was probably really tired.
He felt just like himself.
Sora spent a few minutes there, back pressed against the door. He wasn’t memorizing the shape of Riku’s face, because he knew that by heart. He’d know Riku anywhere, whether he saw his face or not. He’d known Riku would look just like himself, he knew it would be fine, but – he had to check.
Usually he’d force himself back to sleep. He would lie there, one hand pressed against his chest like maybe that would stop his heart from going so fast, and take forced measured breaths, but when he woke up, he was exhausted like he hadn’t slept at all. He’d never had much practice with nightmares; Riku was always the one who’d had scary dreams. Even sometimes at sleepovers, he’d wake Sora up and curl up next to him and Sora would make up wild fantastical stories to help him calm down. He never cried, though.
He didn’t get back to sleep that night. Instead, he hopped along the moonlight patches down the stairs towards the front door and pushed it open, gulping in the fresh air. The ground was still damp from the rain earlier, but Sora sat down on the steps anyway, letting his feet get covered in mud. It felt good, the rain and the grass and the morning bird calls. It felt more real than the shadows and silence of the tower at night.
He still felt sick and exhausted and scared. His dreams were just dreams; they didn’t foretell danger or heartache. But the breeze was helping, cooling him down and letting him think more clearly. It was getting harder and harder to shake off the nightmares. He’d used to get them only every so often, but they’ve been at the tower, doing extra training, for three days now, and it’s been three nights of nightmares.
He didn’t even know what the problem was but he kind of thought it was just being around Riku. Sad as it was, this was the longest amount of time he’d been around Riku in years. He kind of thought that might be it, but he couldn’t fix that. He couldn’t never be around Riku for the rest of his life.
“Hey,” Riku said, and Sora looked up. Riku was wearing a sweatshirt, which made Sora realize he was actually kind of cold. “What are you doing out here?”
Sora pointed randomly out away from the tower, towards the treeline. “It’s nice out?” He hadn’t even realized but it was truly morning now, the sky streaked with pinks and reds, the mist promising to burn off into a truly beautiful morning. He was able to actually see the berries on the bushes instead of just the shadowy edges. He’d accidentally sat here all night and now his butt was sore from sitting so long on the hard stone steps.
Riku sat down on the steps next to him, a confused look on his face, and Sora immediately put his cold hands on Riku’s warm ones and made Riku flinch back. “Sora, that’s cold!” That didn’t stop him from covering Sora’s hands with his own anyways. “How long have you been out here?”
“I couldn’t sleep.” It was true, and Sora didn’t want to lie to Riku. He just didn’t want Riku to know the whole truth, which was that sometimes Sora got scared he’d disappear again forever.
“Why didn’t you at least wear shoes?”
Sora looked down at his bare feet, completely coated in mud. He wasn’t really too bothered by it, though his pajama pants were also kind of muddy. “Didn’t think about it.” He hadn’t. He just hadn’t wanted to go back to his room, so he went as is.
Riku half-sighed, half-laughed. It was a totally Riku expression, which only made Sora feel better and warmer.
“Come on, Riku, it’s really nice out!” Sora draped himself all over Riku. He was actually really tired. Riku groaned but didn’t complain as Sora used him as a pillow. That was another totally Riku thing, to pretend he was annoyed with something that he never would be annoyed with Sora or Kairi for doing.
“Don’t fall asleep, I’m not gonna carry you inside-”
Sora closed his eyes.
-----
He did end up getting a few hours of solid sleep, free of nightmares or stupid evil thoughts. He fully believed Riku was to thank for this, for letting him sleep and hold his hand. When he woke up again, Riku had actually carried him to bed without Sora waking up at all. He’d even rolled up Sora’s pant legs, so that mud wouldn’t get all over his bed. And Sora missed breakfast.
He hated that, because he usually never slept so late, but he did feel a little better, even if Riku kept squinting at him like he was trying to figure out what was wrong. That was fine because Sora was good at getting Riku to stop worrying.
He wasn’t so stupid as to believe that he’d sleep through the night again that night, and he didn’t.
This time in the dream, Sora had been holding Riku’s hand, and they’d been on the beach, their beach. Sora had been talking about anything, something unimportant, probably, and he’d been looking at the horizon. His pant legs were rolled up and the waves were nudging at his sand-covered feet. He’d been really happy.
And then Riku said, “That is utterly stupid.”
It might have sounded just like Riku’s voice, but it wasn’t Riku. It was a stolen voice, and when Sora turned back around, it wasn’t Riku at all. His blue eyes were turning amber. Cold hateful amber.
He didn’t even wait for his eyes to adjust to the darkness, he just immediately ran for Riku’s room, fumbling around in the darkness. The dream followed him, Ansem’s vice-like grip ghosting along his arm, the memory of warm waves and golden sand at odds with his feet pounding on the ice-cold stone floor.
He slid to a stop, feet freezing, before Riku’s door. He gave himself a couple of seconds to try and control his desperate panting breaths but he couldn’t wait that long and he shoved it open.
Riku was himself, and Sora knew it immediately. He could breathe again and he did, taking huge gulping breaths as he sank to the ground. His arms and legs felt heavy and a little numb from both the panic wearing off and the dread. The stone was cold against the back of his legs as he curled into himself. What was wrong with him?
This made four nights he’d snuck into Riku’s room just to check. It was so stupid because he never expected Riku to be different. He knew Riku wouldn’t be different, he knew it. The past four night he’d felt exactly the same as the boy Sora had known all his life.
“Sora?”
Sora jerked his head up to look at Riku, who’d rolled over sometime in the past few minutes and was looking at him. Sora should have known better than to think Riku would be able to ignore someone in his room, even if he was asleep. He probably never relaxed ever.
“It’s me.” Sora pulled himself off the ground by the door handle, still shaky. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you up.” He hadn’t; he’d just wanted to see him.
Riku groaned. “I don’t know what’s up with you.” He definitely sounded annoyed - it was four in the morning and Sora had invaded his room and Riku was going to be so mad. Sora didn’t even know what he was thinking; it was like he couldn’t control his body after nightmares. “Get over here.”
The expression on Riku’s face - half annoyed, half worried - meant everything. Ansem wouldn’t have that face.
Sora threw himself on the bed next to Riku, crawling under the covers and soaking up Riku’s warmth. He’d been so cold lately he could barely stand it.
He pressed his hand to Riku’s chest to feel his heartbeat. It was steady. Of course it was, because Sora’s nightmares were just nightmares. This one had just been bad. Really really bad. He hadn’t even noticed Riku was Ansem again, he just turned around and there Riku wasn’t. He’d been holding Riku’s hand and he’d thought nothing had changed and those eyes were like a punch to the face. He couldn’t do anything about it.
“You’ve been acting super weird,” Riku mumbled. He poked Sora gently, right under the eye where there were dark purple circles. “And you look exhausted.”
“Hey,” Sora whined. “Don’t be mean to me.”
Riku ignored that. “You keep staring at me.”
Sora fidgeted a little bit, fiddling with the collar of Riku’s shirt. He’d hoped that Riku wouldn’t notice, but Sora found himself checking for traces, all the time, to make sure that Riku’s eyes were warm and content instead of full of contempt. He hadn’t found anything yet, of course.
All he had to go on was the eyes, because even when Riku had looked like Ansem, he’d been just Riku. His heart was the same, his eyes were the same. But Riku had never looked at him with such violent eyes, not like Ansem did. “Maybe you just look silly.”
He just had to make sure his Riku was still there.
Riku snorted. “Okay, don’t tell me.” He shifted, his arm around Sora’s waist tightening. When they were little, Sora would sleep half on top of Riku, sprawled out and trapping him in place, but tonight Riku seemed to know that Sora wanted to feel safe. It was probably kind of obvious. “But you were sitting outside half the night yesterday.”
“It was sooooo nice out, Riku!”
Riku ignored this too. Sometimes he did that when Sora was being especially childish and stubborn to avoid talking about something. Riku knew that they both knew there was a problem and he at least wanted Sora to admit it. “Okay.” He sounded tired. Upset and a little muffled, like he was trying to hide it. Maybe he was giving up on getting Sora to admit it. “Whatever it is, you can tell me.”
Sora didn’t like to or want to lie to Riku, so he couldn’t say ‘of course I can’ because he couldn’t. But he also couldn’t say that to Riku.
It wouldn’t be fair. Riku couldn’t fix Sora’s nightmares, and he’d definitely blame himself for them, because he was constantly shouldering the guilt for everything. He shouldn’t be blamed for everything that happened with Ansem, and Sora didn’t blame him for being Ansem. It just scared Sora all the way down to his core. “Thanks, Riku.”
It was enough to just be here by Riku’s side, Riku’s thumb smoothing calming circles against his shoulder.
-----
It wasn’t enough. Sora could tell. His hands were jittery all through breakfast. Kairi and Riku were both too busy seeing who could eat their pancakes faster to really notice, although Riku had stuck awful close to Sora that morning after they woke up, until Sora proved that he was fine by smiling and not falling down the stairs and telling dumb jokes and doing Sora things. Lea, though, was sitting right next to Sora. Sora’s elbows kept knocking into his.
“Earth to Sora!” Lea wrapped his wrist around Sora’s wrist so his stupid traitor hands didn’t spill his water all over the table. “Come in, Sora.”
“Sorry,” Sora mumbled, setting his water down. He had spilled some of it, actually, there were droplets all over the table.
“You okay?”
Sora put his smile on. “Yeah!”
Lea stared at him, then released his wrist. “Okay.” Sometimes, things could be simple with Lea. “Maybe we should go to training then? Since we’re done?”
Sora looked over at Riku and Kairi, but they were gone, their plates taken to the kitchen. It was just him and Lea. He didn’t even know how everyone left without him noticing. “Huh.”
“You sick or something?”
“I said I’m fine.”
Lea rolled his eyes. “Hey, kid, don’t get snippy with me, I don’t care.”
“Oh,” Sora said, standing up. That was nice, actually. “Thanks, actually!”
“What the fuck?” Lea called after him, “Thanks?”
“Race you!”
“Hey!” Lea pushed off from the table and stumbled over the bench before remembering how to run. “You’re a cheater!”
“You should always be prepared!” Sora yelled, bursting through the doors and leaping down the stairs. He could see Kairi and Riku in the distance and they must have heard him coming, because they turned around. “Get outta the way, it’s a race!”
Kairi and Riku both dove for a side of the road, Sora leaping through them and continuing on, feet pounding against the dirt. “Sora!” Kairi yelled, but Sora was already gone, leaving them in the dust.
Out of all of them, he was usually the fastest, though Lea was always a close second by sheer height. Back on the islands, it had always always been Riku, but since then, Sora had gained speed and agility over him.
Sora slammed through the doors just a few seconds before Lea did, panting. “I win!”
“Barely,” Lea wheezed. His hair was sticking up everywhere. “You’re losing your touch.”
Sora made a face at him. Lea got the message and turned away, reaching for his water bottle.
Riku and Kairi arrived, breathless, a few moments later. “I hate you,” Riku managed to say, putting his hand to his chest.
“I didn’t make you run!”
“Your - ridiculous- contagious - energy -” Kairi wheezed, punctuating each gasping word with a poke to Sora’s chest.
Sora laughed. “Uh-huh.” He could understand it, sometimes when people were having fun you just wanted to join in. It was how he got Kairi and Riku to do most things, actually. They usually pretended they were too cool.
Sora sat down on the bench and reached for his water bottle, guzzling it. Riku and Kairi and Lea were already talking about what training they should do today, all three of them still trying to get their breath under control. Even Sora was feeling a little dizzy, but he wasn't quite stupid enough to keep standing around and trying to have a conversation when he felt dizzy. He was only stupid enough to start running a race while a little dizzy.
He only tuned back in when he heard his name. “Huh?”
Riku was looking at him. “I was saying, you and I should spar.”
“Oh.” Sora couldn’t think of anything he’d rather do less at the moment. “Yeah, sure. Now?”
“Yeah.”
Sora dropped the water bottle on the bench and followed Riku into the sparring ring, summoning his keyblade. Kairi and Lea were sitting on the ground, stretching. Kairi had her forehead pressed to her knees; Lea was less successful and barely touching his toes.
Riku picked up the timer. “Ten minutes?”
Sora nodded and took a ready stance. Riku hit the timer. Kairi let out a whoop, waving one of her hands in the air to cheer them both on. “Kick his ass!”
“I will!” Sora and Riku shouted at the same time.
Sora stumbled on his first step. His arms just felt so heavy. Like lead. He attacked and Riku blocked; the beginning of their fights always went the same way. He wished he could enjoy it more, the way he used to, but right now he just felt nauseous. He knew he wasn’t doing as well, Riku was landing more hits. He wasn’t keeping up and he knew he should be keeping up.
It felt too similar to being back on the beach, getting beat by Riku in everything. Sora shot off a spell that landed - Riku was bad at blocking magic, and also usually pretty bad at creating it - and Riku tried to knock his legs out from under him.
It almost worked, which was the surprising thing. Sora’s legs felt like lead to, like he was running through water on the beach. It was hard to do things. It was really hard to do things, it shouldn’t be this hard, it should be-
The keyblade fell out of Sora’s hand with a clank. It surprised both Sora and Riku; Sora could tell that Riku tried to stop his swing so that it wouldn’t smash against Sora’s upper arm. Sora materialized the keyblade just in time to block, blade against blade, but even with Riku trying to pull back, Sora still took the force of the hit and stumbled to the side.
On the sidelines, Kairi and Lea were sitting with wide-open mouths; when Sora looked at them, they scrambled to continue their stretches, putting their foreheads to their knees so that Sora couldn’t see whatever shocked faces they were making at all.
The timer hadn’t even gone off yet.
Riku let his keyblade hang by his side. “Sora-”
Sora felt himself laugh. “Guess that’s what I get from staying up so late last night!” He shoved his sleeve up to inspect his arm, which was already turning red. It was probably going to bruise. “Oh man, you got me, huh?”
“Let me see that.” Riku’s hands were surprisingly gentle. “Oh no, I really got you. Sorry.”
“Don’t be stupid, Riku. It’s just training, you’re supposed to get me.”
Riku narrowed his eyes. “But I shouldn’t have.”
Sora frowned, not following. “But you did?”
“But you should have had your guard up.” He sounded like he was trying to solve a very complicated puzzle, to find the missing piece that would let him understand Sora. He rotated Sora’s arm a little bit. “You normally wouldn’t trip up like that.”
Sora waved that off. “I know it might appear like I’m perfect, but I do sometimes make mistakes.”
The corner of Riku’s mouth turned up. “Really,” he drawled. “And you’re admitting it?”
Riku released Sora’s arm and Sora shook it out. It was throbbing a little bit, but it wasn’t that bad, he really had guarded against the brunt of it. “I’m only confessing to it this one time. I’m perfect the other 99% of the time.” He patted Riku on the shoulder and made to move out of the ring.
He still felt a little nauseous.
Riku snagged his good arm. “You can sleep with me tonight.” He whispered it so that Kairi and Lea wouldn’t hear. “If that would help.”
Sora stared at him. “Really?”
“Really.”
Sora threw his arms around Riku’s neck. “Thank you,” he mumbled to Riku’s shirt. His hurt arm protested against the strain. “Thank you, thank you, thank you.”
“No problem.” Riku shrugged it off, as if it really wasn’t a problem. As if Sora hadn’t been causing problems for him and making him worry for days now. “Maybe you should sit out of training for today.”
“I’m fine.”
Riku rolled his eyes. “Of course you are.”
They made him sit out anyways. (“You can watch the sparring and offer pointers,” Riku said, pushing him down onto the bench. “I know exactly what you’re doing,” Sora said back. He did it anyways.) It was probably good for him, even if his arm was fine. He didn’t want to accidentally get his arm broken again, because they were all very good at breaking each other’s arms. If only healing magic could heal sleep deprivation, then he wouldn’t have a problem at all.
Unfortunately, healing magic couldn’t heal a lot of things. It couldn’t remove the white scar on Sora’s collarbone or the spidery lightning scar near his heart. It couldn’t heal Sora’s long since broken and improperly healed ring and pinky finger.
And it couldn’t do shit about dreams.
-----
He felt like he was sneaking into Riku’s room later, once training was over, because he was trying to avoid Kairi. He’d been avoiding her all day, despite her best efforts to corner him alone and make him spill his guts.
He knocked on Riku’s door this time, instead of just sneaking in.
“Hey,” Sora said when Riku answered. “Ready for a slumber party?”
Riku stepped back to let him into his already-dark room. The two twin moons that Sora had molded out of magic hung in the air, glowing faintly. They were supposed to help Riku not be afraid of the dark. Sora batted one away and it twirled slowly towards the wall until Riku caught it in one hand.
Riku righted the little moon in the air. It pulsed softly. “We aren’t five.”
Riku was so predictable sometimes. Sora grinned. “It’s a sleepover, Riku!” He’d always loved sleepovers with Riku. His mom had always tried to tease him about how much time he’d wanted to spend with Riku as a kid, but it hadn’t really worked because Sora was never embarrassed about it. He loved spending time with Riku.
Riku rolled his eyes, but it was fond. “I don’t know if you remember, Sora, but I almost killed you today.”
Sora scoffed. He was also so dramatic. “Oh my god, Riku, you did not!” That was the truth, too; it would have hurt like a motherfucker to get slammed in the shoulder with Riku’s full force behind the keyblade, but it wouldn’t have killed him. It probably would have just tossed him around the room. “Don’t be so ridiculous.”
“Okay, okay,” Riku said, though Sora knew he absolutely wasn’t going to stop being dramatic. It wasn’t in Riku’s nature. He sat down on the bed and started pulling off his shoes. “But seriously, Sora. We’re lucky it wasn’t worse, okay? It could have been really bad. I don’t - I - why are you pretending nothing’s wrong?”
Sora snorted. “Is telling you a condition of getting to sleep in here?”
He regretted saying it immediately because the look on Riku’s face was awful, like he’d been sucker-punched. He never wanted Riku to look like that again. “No.” He looked so small, shoulders hunched, shoe in one hand. Riku already knew that Sora didn’t want to say anything. He wished Riku didn’t know him better than anyone. “I don’t want to force you, I just - hoped you would.”
Sora felt awful. What kind of a best friend was he? “Oh, Riku.” He threw his arms around his best friend. Riku let the shoe drop to the ground with a thump. “I didn’t mean to make you feel bad!”
“I don’t feel bad, it’s just really unlike you to keep secrets.”
Sora pressed his forehead against Riku’s shoulder. “It’s not a secret, I just didn’t want you to worry!” Stupid Riku for looking so sad.
“I always worry about you,” Riku said automatically.
Sora smiled against his shoulder. “Thanks, Riku.” Riku was kind of blushing a lot, it was cute. “I just haven’t been sleeping well, okay. I’ve been having really weird dreams.”
“Sora, you should have said -”
“They’re just dreams,” Sora reassured him, twining their fingers together. “Not magical ones or anything, just normal people dreams.” They were nightmares, but they were normal people nightmares, at least. Sora was good at recognizing magic, and there was nothing sinister or magical about them. It was just his brain and his own fear. “They’re just really realistic.”
That, at least, was the truth. They were so realistic that every time Sora woke up, it was hard to come back to reality and remember that Riku was fine. He carried these nightmares with him for the rest of the day, sometimes. They felt like Sora’s broken finger, like an ache that would never quite heal even if it didn’t really hurt anymore. He just kept them in his heart even if he didn’t mean to. He hated it.
“You still should have told me,” Riku said childishly. He could only say that because Sora wasn’t telling the whole truth. If Sora had told the whole truth, he wouldn’t sound childish, he’d sound guilty, Sora knew that with every fiber of his being. “How long?”
Two years, Sora didn’t say. Instead he flopped down on the bed, tugging Riku beside him. “Probably I’ve had dreams my whole life, Riku.” He expected the pillow that hit his face. “Hey!”
Riku was laughing, at least. That was good. That was really good. Sora hated the kind of pinched, worried look he’d had on his face today, when he though Sora wasn’t looking. “Okay, fine,” he said. “Let’s go to sleep, okay? I don’t want you passing out from sleep deprivation.”
Sora climbed under the covers next to Riku, who had his back pressed to the wall to give Sora as much space as possible. Sora ignored that and immediately threw his arm over Riku’s chest, getting comfortable and scooting so close they were sharing the same pillow. “I would not.”
He probably would.
-----
This time in the dream, Ansem took over Riku slowly. Riku’s body moved like it was a struggle, like he was underwater, like he had to fight for every step. His left eye was turning yellow and he couldn’t move his legs, he was just holding on to Sora’s hand and begging him to help, but he was being slowly rotted away from the inside, every little bit of him being stamped out.
Sora didn’t see Riku’s right eye turn yellow; he woke up. For a second all he could think about was that yellow eye, and whether or not the dream-Riku was okay or not, before realizing that Riku’s two blue, so blue, eyes were looking right at him.
“Hi,” Sora managed to say. His heart was still going so fast that he was breathless. He blinked and Riku’s eye looked yellow before he blinked again and it went back to normal, just two blue eyes filled with concern.
“Sora, thank god you’re awake.” Riku looked serious, the moonlight casting long unfamiliar shadows on his face. Sora didn’t like that, not so soon after his nightmares, but if he closed his eyes, his heart knew it was Riku. “You said dreams, you didn’t say nightmares!”
Sora squirmed. “They’re not!”
Riku scoffed. It was such a Riku thing to do, even when Sora was crying. It was comforting. “You were screaming and crying in your sleep.”
Sora touched his damp cheeks. “Oh.”
The gig was up, then. He was not ever going to get Riku to drop this, not when he’d been crying in his sleep. He was almost relieved. Almost, except for he knew that it was going to hurt Riku a lot to tell the truth, a lot more than it had been hurting Sora to keep it hidden.
“I - I couldn’t get you to wake up,” Riku said, clearly distressed. He ran a hand through Sora’s hair; whether it was to calm Sora down or for Riku to reassure himself that Sora was alright, Sora didn’t know. His hand was blissfully cool against Sora’s warm forehead, but even though it was too hot under the blanket, Sora didn’t want to leave Riku’s side. They were all tangled up together, Sora’s arms pressed against Riku’s chest. Maybe Riku had needed to trap him because he was thrashing so much. “You just kept crying. You never used to get nightmares at all, Sora.”
Sora blinked, caught off-guard. “You remember that?”
Riku frowned again. If he frowned much more, his face was going to get stuck like that, a permanently displeased Riku. “Yeah, of course I do.” He sighed. “Is it - is it because of me?”
Sora gasped. “No!”
“Because you don’t want to tell me,” Riku continued, “So it’s me, right? You’re having nightmares about me? Is it - is it nightmares where I’m evil again?” His voice broke just a little bit on the last word. It sounded like he didn’t want the answer.
“Riku, you were never evil.” Sora would have accused Riku of an underhanded ploy to get Sora talking, but he knew Riku always carried his guilt like this. He could see Riku open his mouth to argue and he pressed his hands against Riku’s mouth to stop all the dumb words from coming out. “I just - I didn’t want to - I didn’t want to tell you because it’s gonna make you feel bad.”
Riku pushed Sora’s hands off his mouth. “We’re kind of beyond that, don’t you think?”
Sora let out a watery laugh. “Yeah.” He pushed at Riku’s chest until Riku released him and he was free to sit up. He’d turn the nightlight off so that he couldn’t see Riku’s face, but Riku would hate that, and Riku was going to hate this entire conversation. So Sora left it on and wrapped his arms around his knees.
Sora was silent a long moment, trying to figure out how to say it, his chin digging into his kneecap. He kept staring at the chest of drawers at the end of the bed, because it was there to look at and Sora couldn’t look at Riku yet. Riku was silent too, letting him figure it out, his hand weighing comfortably on Sora’s shoulder.
“Sometimes, I dream that Ansem is back.” He felt Riku’s hand flinch and leave his back, and he reached up and gripped it. “Like he’s taken you over and you’re gone, forever. And I know it’s never going to happen but -”
“But you have nightmares about it.”
“No.” Sora turned around to face Riku, who was doing a very bad job of keeping his face neutral. “I mean, yes, but not because of you! Or anything you did! It’s not about - it’s not about what you think you did or you being evil, it’s just that - I just - I almost lost you and I can’t do that again, okay?”
This has always been what it’s about. Not really Riku, at all. It had never been about Ansem. It had just been about how close Sora was to losing Riku to Ansem.
“I’m sorry,” Riku said, because he was an idiot, and he clearly meant it more than he’d probably meant anything he’d ever said to Sora.
Sora shook his head. “Don’t be.” He reached out and wrapped his arms around Riku’s neck. “It’s not your fault. Don’t say anything, I know you’re thinking things.”
“I’m not thinking things,” Riku said automatically.
“Yeah right.” Sora laid his head on Riku’s shoulder. “I know it’s never gonna happen. I know you’re stronger than that, I promise I know that, but I just don’t know what I’d do if you were gone.” He’d been so close to never having Riku in his life ever again. He’d never felt so weak.
He should be stronger.
Riku wrapped his arms around Sora. “I wish I could make your nightmares stop.”
Sora shrugged awkwardly, Riku’s arms around him at odd angles. He wouldn’t change a thing for the world. “Me too,” he said honestly. It would be pretty nice to sleep through the night again. He’d caught himself thinking about using a sleeping spell on himself last night and he’d only talked himself out of because it was an incredibly stupid idea. He’d just - he’d have to fix it. He’d get over it, he always did. “I’ll figure it out, Riku, don’t worry!”
“Sora.” Riku’s hand stopped on Sora’s jaw, his thumb at the corner of Sora’s smile. He was squinting at Sora, examining him like he was under a microscope. “You don’t have to smile if you don’t feel like it.”
Sora’s smile froze there on his face, like it was pasted on. He didn’t even know he was smiling. He sure didn’t feel like smiling. “I know.”
“Do you?” Then, “Oh no, Sora, please don’t cry.”
Sora let the tears just fall down his face. He didn’t bother to wipe them away; they just dripped down his chin and onto his shirt. Riku wiped them away after a moment’s hesitation. Sora sniffled. “Sorry. I’m being stupid.” And selfish. He was always crying lately, without even realizing it. He was just making everyone pick up all his messes.
“You’re not,” Riku assured him.
Sora hiccupped. “I feel better.”
“I know.”
“I’m sorry.”
Riku hesitated. “I know.” He pressed his forehead against Sora’s. “I’m sorry too, okay? I wish I could fix this and I can’t, but I think it’ll help if we talk about it, okay?” Sora nodded. Riku’s thumb smoothed over his jawbone. “But Sora, please tell me these things, even if you think the truth is going to hurt me! Because I wanna help. I don’t want you to just hold in your feelings forever. You’d never let me hurt myself like that, right?”
Sora took a deep breath. When Riku put it like that… Riku always made so much sense. He was always so good at figuring Sora out. “Right.”
“You’re always fixing my problems. You have to let me do the same for you, okay? We help each other out.”
“Okay,” Sora promised. They did help each other out, he knew that. Of course he knew that. He’d just forgotten that a little bit. “I promise. I just - I was scared, okay?”
Riku gave him a soft little smile and tugged Sora back down until his head hit the pillow. “Let’s just go back to sleep.” Riku pulled the covers up from where they’d pooled around their feet. “We can talk about your nightmares in the morning, right?”
Sora nodded, twining his arm around Riku’s waist and letting Riku pull him close. He could tell that Riku wasn’t going to let himself fall asleep before Sora did. “Thank you, Riku,” he said quietly. He could feel Riku’s heartbeat. “Really. For not letting me be stupid anymore.” He really did feel better, and he wanted Riku to know that. He felt a lot lighter, somehow. He really was no good at keeping secrets.
Riku smiled. It was very welcome after all his frowning and worry lines. He just looked so carefree when he smiled at Sora like this. “It’s fine,” he said. “I always knew you were stupid.”
Sora pinched him, but he was laughing. “I’m serious!”
“I was too!” Riku pinched him back. “But - thanks for letting me help.”
Sora didn’t say of course because this whole week had been an exercise in him not letting people help. He kicked his feet a little bit under the covers, getting comfortable, until Riku forcibly made him stop by putting his own leg over Sora’s. It was all so familiar; Riku had done it a hundred times as kids. What was new was the kiss Riku pressed to Sora’s forehead as Sora closed his eyes. Sora liked that.