Work Text:
Realizing you have feelings for Dirk takes time, and a lot of frustration. What starts as a confusing amalgamation of respect, fear, and attraction develops into a crush, and then into something stronger, something you’re afraid to put a label on. You’re not familiar with the concept of having romantic feelings for anyone; the last person you felt anything for was Vriska Serket, and that was when you were just a kid. You’re twenty years old now, and have spent the last few years of your life in nearly complete isolation from your friends and family, save for one person.
Dirk is there when no one else is. When your friends reach out to you, you don’t respond, don’t even read their messages, and eventually they start to give up. The only person who makes more of an effort, who shows up at your doorstep with a gaming console and a shoulder to cry on, is Dirk.
You’re not upset at your friends. They’re busy, they have lives, significant others. Dirk is the only one who is just as lost as you, suffering at the hands of the game long after it’s ended. He drags you out of your depressed stupor with an awkward hand on your wrist and you pull him out of his own ditch simultaneously. At the end, when you’re finally okay enough to leave your house and interact with your friends, Dirk starts to drift away from you.
It’s only then that you realize what you feel for him can no longer be considered entirely friendly, and it results in a weeks-long crisis that you don’t share with anyone else. The only person you’d be willing to share your problem with would be Dirk himself, and you’re not taking that risk.
You know Dirk is gay, Dave told you. And, you guess, Dave isn’t straight either. And neither is Rose, or Jade. Or anyone, you think. You’re the only one, or at least, you thought you were. Now you’re not so sure, not with the way your heart pounds around Dirk, the way your hands start to sweat when he’s near you for too long. That doesn’t seem like a very straight thing to do.
Eventually you accept it, chalk it up as a new thing you’ve learned about yourself as an adult, and move on. There’s nothing you can do to remove your feelings, and god do you try. No amount of avoiding Dirk or looking up pictures of women online or ignoring the feelings in your chest accomplish much of anything. So you decide to just deal with it, on your own, and it’s hard. It’s hard and no one understands.
You haven’t spoken to Dirk in a few days; he’s busy with a new robotics project and hasn’t really interacted with anyone in a while. Apparently this is fairly normal for him, as before the game he would disappear for days while working endlessly on some project, so you’re all surprised to see him outside one evening.
He joins you around the fire, looking haggard and tired, but in good spirits. He takes a seat next to Dave, who gives him a fistbump, and he deals with the invasive questions about his absence like a good sport. He seems embarrassed about all the attention, but handles it like a champ, mouth quirking up into a barely-there smile.
You watch him with parted lips, staring at him through the fire. His hands are resting on his thighs, long fingers splayed out over his jeans, and he’s wearing his classic fingerless gloves as usual. You take note of his hair, a little more deflated than usual but still nicely styled, and feel yourself starting to smile as you watch him. He shifts under your gaze and the attention from everyone else. At one point he takes off his glasses and nervously cleans them on his tank top, eyes flicking up to meet yours. The moment your gazes connect you feel a jolt down your chest and into your stomach. You stand suddenly, and everyone looks at you.
“I have to pee,” you announce. Everyone looks at you with drawn up eyebrows and confused expressions, but you leave before anyone can say anything.
You have to take a few deep breaths as you distance yourself from the fire, trying to calm down. You can’t believe something as small as a look has such an effect on you, and you feel like a complete fucking idiot because of it. You don’t actually go to the bathroom, just walk into the woods a few feet away and lean up against a tree, taking slow breaths.
You’re so fucked. You haven’t felt this strongly for someone in a long time, and you have no idea how to proceed. How do people normally deal with having a crush on someone? Are you supposed to talk to Dirk? Ignore him? Confess? Should you try to fight him? You don’t know what to do, and the person you would normally ask is the cause of all your problems.
A sigh bursts from your chest and you lean your head against the cool bark of the tree. You’ve been gone for too long, and everyone is going to start wondering where you are if you don’t get back to the fire soon. You hold in a barely suppressed groan and stand up, then start heading back towards the group.
Dirk intercepts you on your way there, and you’re so lost in your thoughts that you almost run into him. You lose your balance for a second and stumble, surprise making you unsteady, and Dirk puts his hands on your shoulders to keep you upright. He keeps his hands on you for a little too long, only letting go when you shrug him off.
“Sorry,” he says flatly. “You were gone for a while so I was coming to check on you.”
“Oh,” you say, and it comes out as half a whisper. You clear your throat. “I’m fine! Just… uh…”
“Constipated?” he asks with an eyebrow raised.
You stare at him for a second, then realize he’s joking, and bark out an awkward laugh. “Yeah, you know how it is,” you joke back. “This new Earth food has me just… all fucked up. So fucked up.”
His mouth turns up in a crooked smile and it sucks the breath right out of you. “Hey,” he starts. “You wanna get out of here? All this attention is kind of wearing me out.”
“Sure,” you agree before thinking about it, and Dirk’s smile gets wider.
He starts walking in the direction of his place and you follow, heart already starting to pound uncontrollably at the prospect of spending more alone time with him. He rambles a bit as you walk, telling you about the new robot he’s making that acts as a strifing partner. Despite no longer being in any danger, Dirk explains that he still wants to keep his skills in check, just in case. He says it makes him feel safer. You know this already.
When you get to his house, a small, square building with few ornaments, he leads you up the front steps with a hand at the small of your back. You take in a subtle breath and hold it, and don’t let go until you’re well into Dirk’s home. He takes you to the basement where his workshop is, and introduces you to his strife-bot.
It’s an intimidating structure, about your height, maybe even a little taller, with a cold metal exterior. Half of the body still isn’t completed, so wiring and jagged metal edges spill out of the unfinished husk like guts. When you hesitate to get too close to the robot Dirk gives you an amused look.
“It’s not finished,” he says obviously. “It won’t hurt you.”
“I don’t know,” you drawl. “Jake has told me stories about the robot you made for him, so…”
You watch Dirk’s expression carefully, trying to gauge if there’s any reaction at the mention of Jake’s name. There’s nothing.
“This one isn’t like that,” Dirk explains. “It’s attuned to sword fighting more so than hand-to-hand combat.”
“So it won’t go apeshit and try to kill you?”
“Not unless I program it to.”
He picks up a wrench and flips it around a few times like it’s nothing, fiddling with it. You watch the movements of his hands, admiring the long curves of his fingers, the tight line of his knuckles, and you feel your pulse speed up again. You swallow, and shift uncomfortably. Dirk doesn’t seem to notice, instead beginning to mess around with the robot.
He tells you all about the robot’s programming as he works, screwing something here, using the wrench on something there. Apparently the AI he’s building is designed to learn his fighting style and anticipate his moves, so he’s always on his toes. He explains to you how he’s making the AI, despite you knowing next to nothing about robotics or artificial intelligence. You think he just likes to talk, info-dumping about his interests to anyone who will listen.
You hardly pay attention to anything he says, his voice falling over you like a warm blanket. You watch his mouth as he talks, lips pursed in concentration in between sentences, and you bite down on the inside of your cheek. His shoulder muscles flex around his tank top as he hunches over his work, and the curve of his back both intimidates you and makes your cheeks heat up. After a while you’re just openly staring at him, taking in his appearance and trying not to let the attraction you feel get your head.
“You wanna try?” he asks suddenly, pulling you out of your stupor.
“What?”
“Do you want to try?” he repeats, slower this time. “There’s a few pieces you could work on, if you want… I can show you.”
Part of you wants to say no, the idea of being so close to Dirk in private a little overwhelming, but another part of you overrides that thought and says yes. Dirk gives you another tiny smile, likely imperceptible to others, and waves you over. You take his place on the small stool by the robot, and he leans over you, hands you the wrench. It’s heavier than you anticipate, and your wrist bends with effort as you try to keep it steady.
Dirk directs you to a nut that needs tightening and shows you the right technique for doing so. You do this a few times, and he touches your wrist to straighten or bend it as needed. You feel heat seep into your skin where he touches you, and it courses through your veins, straight into your stomach.
“Good,” he mutters, and it’s right in your ear, and you feel it down to your toes. Goosebumps raise over your skin from where his hand sits on your forearm, to where he’s leaning over you, his breath tickling your neck. His other hand slips around your back to rest on your hip, and static electricity snaps at his touch.
You jump up suddenly, nearly elbowing Dirk in the stomach, and you back away from him until you hit a workbench. Several tools and miscellaneous metal things fall to the floor and you fumble with picking them up while Dirk looks at you with wide eyes.
“Sorry,” you both say at the same time, though you’re not sure what Dirk is apologizing for.
“If I… overstepped a boundary,” he starts in your silence. “I apologize.”
“You didn’t,” you say breathlessly. “I’m just… I’m just an idiot, don’t, uh, don’t worry about me.”
You swallow, and remain leaning against the table. Dirk is frowning at you, clearly upset despite how good he normally is at masking any emotions he might be feeling. He picks up the wrench that you dropped in your haste to get away from him and sets it on another bench with a little sigh, and when he speaks it’s to the floor.
“I did something, didn’t I?” he asks. “I fucked up something somehow, yeah? You can tell me, if that’s the case. I won’t be upset.”
You hold up a hand. “It’s… really okay, I…” You don’t know what else to say. Now would be the perfect time to confess, but you don’t know if you have the balls.
“You know, you don’t have to hang out with me if you don’t want to,” Dirk says, as if it’s a reminder. “No one is forcing you to.”
“I know,” you say. You try to swallow again, and are barely able to against the lump in your throat. Dirk tilts his head at you.
“Then why are you here if you’ve clearly taken some kind of issue with me?” he asks.
“It’s not you, it’s me,” you say, and then when Dirk makes a face at your declaration you change your direction. “I mean… I don’t have any issues with you. I like hanging out with you, just… too much.”
“Too much,” he repeats, voice flat.
“Yeah,” you answer, and then there’s silence.
Dirk is clearly waiting for you to explain yourself but you don’t have the guts to do it properly, and you can already feel your words getting tangled up on your tongue. You run your hands down your face and heave a massive sigh, unbelievably frustrated with yourself.
“It’s not - I’m just,” you stutter. “I’m so fucking stupid, this is so awkward, I… I want to…”
“Want to what?” Dirk asks. He sounds like he’s having a hard time catching his breath.
“Kiss you?” you say, and it comes out like a question. “And… do other things? Not, not like inappropriate things, I mean, unless you would be into that, in which case that would be great, but that’s… that’s not the point. The point is, uh... the point is that I - fuck, you know what I’m just gonna-”
Dirk interrupts you with a little chuckle, and suddenly he’s standing in front of you, hesitant hands on your hips. You feel warm all over, embarrassed and flustered, but Dirk’s hands help ground you.
“So, yeah,” you conclude lamely. “Sorry for like… completely freaking out on you.”
“It’s okay,” Dirk reassures you, and his voice is barely more than a whisper. “I’m okay with kissing and… other stuff, if that’s what you want.”
You nod, maybe a little too enthusiastically. Dirk smiles at you and his eyebrows raise as he leans forward, eyes looking to yours for assurance. You meet him halfway and press your lips against his in a short, chaste kiss. You’ve never kissed anyone before and you’re shocked at the hot feeling that shoots into your stomach as a result. It makes your throat thick and your hands shake, but when you pull away and Dirk gives you the broadest smile you’ve ever seen from him, you think it’s worth it.