Archive of Our Own ^beta

They’ve camped out in the corner of the waiting room, sipping from cups of a substance masquerading as coffee, eyes down, shoulders slumped, hardly talking.

There’s really nothing to say. Kevin’s still in surgery; the clock seems to have frozen since they wheeled him off down the hall on that gurney, and Esposito’s left not knowing if he has a partner anymore. More than that—a friend, because Kevin Ryan has always been good to Esposito, even back at the beginning when Esposito hadn’t been ready to accept a new partner and was determined to shut Kevin out.

(It had been one of his less-successful attempts at anything ever made, second to only the time Janine had tried to teach him to tango back in the eleventh grade, especially considering that fact that Esposito’s sure he’s fallen just a little bit in love with Kevin Ryan and his stupid jokes and his very Irish sense of celebrating.)

They’ve come so far since them, all of them. Ryan and Esposito have gone from frosty acquaintances to friends/partners/crushes, they've added another member to their team, and all four of them have grown around each other until they’re really only one unit. And now a part of that unit has been ripped out by an errant suspect and another part of it is trying to hold all the blame and they’re not working too well anymore.

Castle’s over on damage control with Beckett and she refuses to respond, leaving Esposito more or less alone with his thoughts. He can’t stop replaying the scenario again, wondering what he could have done to fix it; wishing he could have found a way to stop anyone getting shot or at least thrown himself in the line of fire instead, but there’s no resolutions in his mind. Not right now. Only what ifs and memories that may be the only things he has left of Kevin Ryan.

Castle has the presence of mind to call the precinct and let them know what’s happened. Esposito thinks of asking to be allowed to let Kevin’s family know—he does know them quite well, after all—but his throat closes up at the thought of talking to them about anything right now, much less telling them what’s happened to Kevin. Captain Montgomery will inform them and everyone else who needs to know.

Esposito thanks the gods that Castle has enough presence of mind to have made the call so no one else has to, and wonders where this responsible side has been hiding.

Esposito has counted every chair, floor tile, and half of the bricks on the wall before the nurse finally, finally comes in with news of Kevin. Esposito stands up and braces himself for the worst.

“He’s going to be okay,” are the first words out of the nurse’s mouth; he’s obviously used to dealing with patients in the waiting room. “He’s out right now, but he should be awake in about a half an hour. I’ll let you see him then.”

“Thank you,” says Esposito, his voice still caught in the bottom of his throat. The nurse leaves and Esposito slumps back in his chair in relief. Though she’s managed to keep herself together for everything thus far, Beckett—Kate—is now crying; Esposito elects to let Castle deal with it on the grounds that he doesn’t want to start crying himself.

“It’s all okay,” says Castle soothingly, and Esposito tries for a smile though the corners of his mouth seem determined to stay locked in a downward position. Even if Castle’s words aren’t yet true, they will be.

Sometime after minute ten and before minute twenty-five, Kevin’s family arrives. Not all of it—just his closest relatives, and then the ones who live in New York and have nothing else to do with their day.

“So what happened?” asks Kelly, ever the gossip of the family, as she sits down next to Esposito.

“Kel, don’t,” says Sara, close behind her; Esposito is grateful for her intervention because he’s still not sure how to tell the story—or that he could make it through, even if he had something to say.

“They said he’s going to be okay?” asks Kelly, changing topics, and Esposito nods.

“We’ll be able to see him soon.”

Kelly grins. “So we heard. Mom brought him flowers.”

Esposito looks up and sure enough, Callan Ryan has a bouquet so large it looks as though the family has bought out every florist in the city. “He’ll like that,” he says.

Kelly nods. “That was the idea,” she agrees. “We got a lot of lilies. He won’t admit it, but they’re his favorites"

Suddenly Esposito feels empty and out of place; these are the people that Kevin has grown up with, people that know him better than anyone else, and Esposito is only the man who’s been lucky enough to work with Kevin for the past few years. Suddenly, all the things he knows about his partner seem inconsequential because he’s sure he could know so much more if only he’d done things differently. Then again, maybe he will never be one of the people who has such a prized spot in Kevin Ryan’s heart.

“Hey,” says Kelly kindly, sensing his sudden change in mood. “It’s not your fault.” She throws an arm around his shoulder and pulls him close. “Don’t worry about it.”

Esposito only sighs in response.

“Really,” says Kelly, and she doesn’t let go of him, just sits there and holds him as he tries not to think of the fact that he doesn’t deserve what he has, much less what he wants to have.

(Kelly used to have a huge crush on Esposito, from the first time she met him. Esposito remembers the way Kevin had always told her that hitting on his partner was not okay, and she'd made some inappropriate joke about the nature of their partnership that shouldn’t have been so hilarious, and it had given Esposito a chance to laugh at himself for thinking that they’d ever be anything more than partners in the most professional sense of the word.)

The nurse looks a bit surprised when he comes back out to tell Esposito that Kevin is awake and encounters fifteen extra people (one of them holding the biggest bouquet of flowers that’s probably ever been seen in any hospital anywhere); he’s even more surprised when he mandates that family only can visit first and all fifteen of them rise in sync. Kelly pulls Esposito up with them and tells him that he’s practically family, and he’s coming with them. Esposito looks back at Castle and Beckett for support and realizes that Captain Montgomery has arrived as well; all three of them wave him on, and so sixteen people follow the nurse down the hall to Kevin Ryan’s room.

“I think it’s going to be kind of obvious that I’m not family,” Esposito says to Kelly in a last-ditch attempt to escape.

“We’ll just tell them you’re his fiancée,” she replies. Esposito decides it’s better to just keep his mouth shut and go along with what he’s told to do.

(Thankfully, the nurse doesn’t object to his presence and Kelly doesn’t get a chance to make up ridiculous stories about his and Kevin’s relationship.

“I was hoping he’d ask,” she confides in a whisper; “I wanted to tell him all about how you only told us you were together when I came home and walked in on you having sex on the kitchen counter.”

Esposito’s caught between laughing and denying her story vehemently before he realizes that the first would be inappropriate for the situation and the second would really only make her think that he and Kevin did have sex on the kitchen counter, and that’s not really a desirable situation.)

Callan is, of course, the first one to see Kevin. Actually, Esposito supposes her bouquet is technically the first thing, because it completely covers her face to the point where no one is quite sure how she made it down the hall in one piece. Either way, Kevin breaks out into a smile, either because of the lilies or because Callan immediately starts fussing over him, and Esposito feels relieved because if Kevin’s smiling, then there’s nothing seriously broken about him.

Of course, there may be problems between the two of them, but that’s something to be worked out at a later time. All the same, Esposito hangs in the background for as long as he can to avoid upsetting Kevin and, with that, all of Kevin’s family.

Being that there are quite a few Ryans in New York City, Esposito is able to stay on the fringes and out of Kevin’s notice for quite awhile. Especially because he swears that the Ryan family is still filtering into the hospital, because ten minutes after he first entered the room, Esposito notes that it looks much fuller than it had used to.

Even the mass of Ryans can’t save him forever, though, especially because there’s one Ryan who’s absolutely determined that he not be left in the background.

“Javier,” Kelly whines, appearing at his elbow as he stands back and observes the newest group of Ryans (Kevin’s second cousins, he thinks he heard someone say) engage Kevin in conversation, “You can’t just stand back here! You’re supposed to be visiting him.”

“He hasn’t even gotten to talk to all his family yet,” says Esposito. It’s true, though that could be because the room has turned into a mini Ryan reunion.

Kelly gives him her most dangerous look. “You did not come here to watch him say hi to all of us. You came because you practically are family. And if you won’t accept that, then I swear to God, I will legally make you a part of our family right here and now. Uncle Barry has a marriage license, and if Kevin won’t agree to marry you on the spot, then I’ll do it. Let’s go.”

There’s really no good comeback to that, so Esposito allows himself to be maneuvered through the crowd toward Kevin.

They don’t make it to Kevin immediately. Callan stops them first because she has something to ask Kelly, and then when she notices Esposito, she launches off into a tearful thank you for saving her son.

Esposito graciously accepts her thanks and returns her hug even though he’s not sure how much saving he’s done. Maybe he was the one to call the ambulance, but Kevin shouldn’t have even been shot and—

“Mom,” says Kelly pointedly, “I don’t think you're helping Javi feel any better.”

“Of course. I’m sorry, dear,” says Callan, backing off a bit. “I suppose it must be hard for you, seeing it all happen…”

“He’s going to go talk to Kevin now,” says Kelly, tugging Esposito away.

Unfortunately for Esposito, Callan’s voice tends to carry a bit, and everyone immediately surrounding her feels the need to thank Esposito for his role in everything. Esposito nods and shakes hands and accepts hugs as Kelly does her best to clear out the crowds.

“Try to hurry it up,” she whispers in his ear. “I’ve just seen Lisa and Jacob talking to Kev, and they’re probably telling him all about the new restaurant that Jacob wants to open. Do you know how much work that takes? I do. They talked about it for five hours last time I saw them.”

Sure enough, when Esposito catches a glimpse of Kevin’s face, the smile has been replaced by the look of polite attention that usually means he’s not actually listening.

“Yup,” says Kelly. “Time for you to go save him once again.” And she pushes Esposito in the general direction of Kevin’s bed.

Esposito, being a “polite young gentleman,” as Callan likes to say, is perfectly willing to wait until Lisa and Jacob have finished talking to Kevin so he doesn’t have to interrupt them.

Kelly does not have the polite young gentleman genes, and is rather impatient on top of it.

She appears at Esposito’s shoulder once again as he stands and listens to Jacob’s detailed account of shopping for chairs (the ones they’d originally wanted had been discontinued, and there hadn’t been enough left, nor could they find passable replicas anywhere) and gives him another death glare.

“Kev,” she says, pitching her voice even more than usual so it cuts through Jacob’s monotone on the best chair source in New York and the surrounding area. “Look who’s here.”

Kevin’s eyes take a moment to slide back into focus, and then that ridiculous smile is back.

“Javier!” he exclaims, past Jacob’s affronted look. “Where have you been?”

Esposito does his best to ignore the fact that Kevin has actually called him by his first name and shrugs. “You have a lot of family, man.”

Kevin starts to laugh, but almost immediately winces from the pain. “Laughing hurts,” he states.

“I suppose.”

The two of them stand there in silence for a moment, neither one sure what to say next. Lisa and Jacob have moved off to find a different listener for their chair woes, and Kelly is politely staring the other way.

“You saved my life,” says Kevin eventually, looking more serious than he has in the past half hour.

“I still let you get shot.”

“It wasn’t your fault.”

Esposito doesn’t know how to answer that one, because while he didn’t pull the trigger, he wasn’t able to stop the guy, either.

“Esposito. Javier.” Kevin tries to lean forward, but his side won’t let him. Esposito leans in instead. “I don’t know what you think you could have done to change anything, but I’m going to tell you right now that there was no avoiding it. You were making sure he didn’t escape down one hallway. I had the misfortune of being in the other. But one of us was going to get shot today, and I’m glad it wasn’t you.”

Esposito bit his lip. “He got away. I let him get away.”

“Dude,” says Kevin. “You stopped him because you were letting me not die. I’m not too bothered.”

Esposito doesn’t need a mirror to know he looks unconvinced.

“They’ll catch him,” Kevin assures him, settling back happily. “You know how it is. He stays, he gets nabbed. He tries to leave, he gets nabbed. And we’ll be able to convict him of shooting a police officer.”

“Yeah,” Esposito agrees, wondering how his partner is able to take this so lightly.

“Cheer up, bro,” says Kevin. “Doctor says I can’t go back to work for awhile, so I’m going to use my spare time to refine my Madden skills. Next time we play, you won’t stand a chance.”

“Yeah,” says Esposito again, smile tugging at the edges of his lips. “Right.  You need the practice. I'm pretty sure my little cousin could kick your ass.”

“Ha, right. We’ll see if you’re singing a different tune when I kick your ass in two weeks.”

This time, Esposito can’t help but to laugh. He means to say something sharp and witty, but instead, what comes out is, “I’m glad you’re okay.”

“Yeah,” says Kevin, with a sigh. “Yeah.”

Eventually, the nurse has to herd the Ryan family reunion back to the waiting room so everyone else has a chance to see Kevin. Castle and Beckett are, predictably, the first two in the room; though Beckett’s stopped crying, she’s still having a hard time of it, and no one knows what to say to cheer her up. She doesn’t stay for long, and neither does Castle; everyone understands that he needs to be with her for this one. They’re not the only two to visit; Captain Montgomery comes in with them and stays for much longer, and Lanie, Sidney, Joshua, and Derek all drop by as well.

Kevin receives them all with bright smiles and assurances that yes, he’s okay (or at least, he will be). Esposito sits by his side and does his part to make sure that the stories of what happened don’t get too embellished (because he thinks that spending so long in Castle’s company has permanently altered Kevin’s brain structure).

Eventually, visiting hours are over, and Esposito’s forced to head home. He feels lightheaded as he stands and realizes he’s had nothing but hospital coffee for about six hours, and that he should probably eat something.

He bids his farewells to Kevin, promises to come back as soon as he can the next day (“I’ll be so bored if you don’t get here until the afternoon!”), and heads back down the hall. He’s surprised to see that Kelly is still in the waiting room, along with Callan, who’s currently talking to Lisa and Jacob. Everyone else seems to have gone home.

“You talked for quite awhile,” says Kelly, with a small smile.

Esposito shrugs. “It’s not like we were always talking.”

“But you were in there.”

“Haven't you ever tried to leave him alone somewhere when he can’t do anything?” asks Esposito.

Kelly nods. “Now that you mention it, he was a nightmare when he was sick.” She smiles wistfully. “We used to play Barbies when mum wouldn't let him go outside.”

Esposito chuckles. “Barbies?”

“It’s the only thing I would play. He was that desperate for company.”

“I’ll believe it,” says Esposito. “But I’d better be going. I need to eat sometime.”

“Let me take you out to dinner,” says Kelly. Esposito gives her a surprised look. “Not like that,” she says. “Just—because you’re my friend.”

It doesn’t sound like a bad deal. “What’s the catch.”

“You have to listen to me.” And were it not for the evil grin on Kelly’s face as she said it, Esposito wouldn’t have thought a thing of it.

“So,” says Kelly, once they’ve been seated at Torino’s, “What’s going on?”

Esposito, who’s pretty sure that the answer is too much entirely, hasn’t a clue where to start.

“With you two,” Kelly prompts, sipping primly from her lemonade. “You and Kev.”

Esposito’s confusion must show on his face.

“Javi,” she says in that tone she gets when she’s sniffing for gossip, “Whenever I talk to him anymore, he spends half of the time talking about you, or things you’ve done together. And I’ve seen the way you look at him. You can't tell me there’s nothing.”

“I—he does?” is all Esposito manages.

Kelly rolls her eyes. “Boys are so clueless,” she says, but Esposito can tell she’s all too happy to fill him in on everything he doesn’t know about Kevin Ryan.

If Esposito thought there was a lot he didn’t know about Kevin Ryan, he was wrong—there’s tons he had no clue about. Kelly, of course, has managed to remember every detail of her older brother’s life (“When he was in the eighth grade, he loved this pair of shoes that he insisted was red, but were really pink. That’s when we started suspecting.”), and tells it all to Esposito for free.

He’s not quite sure what to do with the sudden influx of information, but he’s hoping that getting some sleep with help with the subject. If nothing else, it will make room in his head again so he can comfortably think.

The thing about dating sites and Dear Abby is that neither of the address the question of whether it’s proper to ask out the man you’ve been working with when he’s in the hospital the day after you find out from his sister that he might have a thing for you.

Not that Esposito’s looked, of course. But it is quite a fiddly question, so if he were to Google it from his phone, he wouldn’t expect any results.

“I vote for yes,” says Kelly from behind him, and Esposito nearly jumps a foot in the air.

“Kelly!” he says, shocked. “When did you show up?”

She giggles. “You’re the detective,” she replies. “You tell me.”

He rolls his eyes.

“Really, though,” she says to his non-answer. “Google won’t be able to give you an answer.”

“It might give me a second opinion, though,” says Esposito.

“Just trust me on this one,” says Kelly. “You’ll make him really happy.”

Esposito nods. “Okay?”

“That’s it,” says Kelly encouragingly. “Do it now, before you wimp out.” And she pushes him off down the hall. “I’ll keep everyone else out!” she calls after him, because it seems that the Ryan Family Reunion, Part II is about to start.

Esposito walks dumbly down the hall, wondering exactly how you should ask out the man you’ve been working with when he’s in the hospital the day after you find out from his sister that he might have a thing for you.

He doesn’t suppose Google will have an answer for that one, either.

“Finally!” says Kevin, throwing aside a copy of Sports Illustrated as Esposito enters the room. “I thought you’d never get here.”Esposito glances at the clock on the wall. “Visiting hours only started two minutes ago,” he says.

Kevin pouts. “You promised to be here sooner.”

The pout makes it hard for Esposito to drown his laughter. “I’ll do better next time.”

“Good.”

Esposito reclaims the chair beside Kevin’s bed. “How much longer do you have to stay in here?”

“At least a day,” says Kevin. “And that’s only if I have superhuman healing abilities.”

“This is killing you, isn’t it? Having to stay still?”

Kevin nods. “You can tell?”

“A bit.”

He sighs. “I just want to get out of this bed for a bit. Be able to walk without being afraid that my kidney will fall out. Eat some decent food.”

“I can’t do anything to help your kidney,” says Esposito, “But I promise that as soon as you get out of here, I’ll take you out to dinner anywhere you want me to.”

Kevin smiles. “Really? Thanks.” They fall silent for a moment. Then, “You don’t have to do that—I can’t ask that of you.”

“You’re not,” says Esposito. “I’m asking you.”

It takes a moment for his words to sink it, but when they do, Kevin’s eyes widen. “Yeah?”

“If you want.” Esposito is having flashbacks to the awkwardness of adolescence that he doesn’t think anyone truly outgrows.

Kevin’s face is unreadable for a moment, then he grins. “As soon as I get out of here, you are going to Barney’s.”

Esposito can’t think of any place he’d want to go less after being released from a hospital than a noisy pub with questionable karaoke, and says as much.

“Ah,” says Kevin, “You’re forgetting the part where the ‘questionable’ karaoke is the fault of the large selection of good beer.”

“Fair enough,” says Esposito, quirking an eyebrow. “I did promise.”

“You did,” says Kevin, with a bit of an evil grin that he must have learned from Kelly.

“Fine,” says Esposito. “But next time, we’re going to a respectable establishment.”

"Fine," says Kevin. And they do.