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Peter felt himself awaken in the dark. His eyes were still closed, his body bent into the hard chair that he’d been sitting in to study from earlier in the evening. The silence throughout the house told him it was late and the blanket over his shoulders said Lucy had tried to make him as comfortable as possible without waking him. It had been smart on her part, if he’d woken he would’ve gone back to the work in front of him instead of going back to bed like a normal person. Studying was the only thing that kept Narnia and the ensuing pain off his mind. Letting his mind wander only caused him that pain. Peter felt his eyes open, the lids still heavy and groggy. He couldn’t see anything in the complete darkness of his parents’ study, the lamps out and the curtains shut to block any moonlight.
Peter readjusted himself in the dark, rubbing the sleep from his eyes and trying to get up. His limbs were heavy and aching from the contorted position they’d been forced to reside while unconscious. He fumbled around in the darkness for the lamp on the desk in front him, knocking over a few papers and a particularly loud paperweight. Instinctively he froze, cursing lowly for making so much noise. His jumbled fingers found the chain and he pulled the lamp on, the bright light blinding him. Peter groaned in irritation and picked up the papers and paper weight. He was tired and his body absolutely ached from sitting in the unpleasant chair. His back throbbed from the rigid position it had been forced to be in for—close to twelve hours now that he checked the clock on the wall. 2am.
He had an exam at university in eight hours. If he passed it, he would be accepted into medical school. If he got into medical school he could become a doctor and put himself to good use like in Narnia. That bright, solid future was not what made him decide to go to bed properly though.
Susan would wake up in a few hours and like usual be completely cross with him. She never ceased to let him know how much his sleeping and studying habits bothered her. He was studying to be a doctor she’d say, he should at least take some concern for his health. Lucy would then join her in getting him to bed suitably clean and in his nightclothes. Edmund, if awake, would chuckle in the background at his elder brother’s misfortune. It was the one time the four of them were together and completely happy with each other. They didn’t have that much anymore.
The relationship between the Pevensie children had soured upon their return from the wardrobe. Susan had completely forgotten everything about Narnia. Edmund and Lucy remembered but the memories brought them nothing but pain so they tended to not talk about it. They missed their home, their life, and their love. It had been no secret the Narnian kings had held affection for their younger sisters. Narnia had been a place where that love could flourish with the blessings of Aslan and the animal citizens. England didn’t allow such things and it made the lives of the Pevensies difficult. Their bodies may have reverted but their minds and love hadn’t. Edmund and Lucy were now reduced to stolen glances, and secret trysts in the night when everyone was asleep like something out of a Shakespeare play. Peter had no doubt they’d run away eventually, desperate to openly show their love. He even encouraged them to do so, to make themselves happy. Susan had forgotten Narnia and insisted it was nothing but childish fantasies. It wasn’t appropriate for an adult of marriageable age and decent looks like her to be bent on reliving their elaborate game of House.
Edmund and Lucy had become depressed in the years, Susan only increased their Hell with her insistence on letting go. And Peter.
He wished more than anything to forget like Susan.
Aslan. God. Jesus. Whomever, hadn’t been so kind to him. Peter was plagued with the memories of his beloved Narnia every day. He didn’t want to forget them all, just the ones that brought him agony. Thoughts of Narnia always brought him joy initially. Always start with the good before the bad. Peter loved the memory of his powerful sword, the way the armor felt on his body, and how he’d carried himself as a man and king. Those were the good memories and he would love to keep those. Having them reduced to childhood games would be a mockery to them and to Aslan. Peter didn’t want that. They were an important part of his life and something he hoped to never forget. It was the painful memories that the joyous ones brought on that he hated. It was the memories of Susan that he longed to forget.
He had been sixteen when he’d first noticed the beautiful woman his sister was becoming. They had all gone riding together and Susan had enthralled him. Her gorgeous long hair, neatly braided along her back and a pale green dress that brought out the fullness of her hips and breasts. She was unquestionably striking. He had imagined then how it would be like to have Susan beneath him, splayed and naked with her hair spilling everywhere as he took her. She would moan his name, anxious and covered in sweat. She would then embed her nails into his back with her legs locked around him as their hips slide together. The thoughts had more than surprised him at the time. He had felt embarrassed and he quickly forced back any lewd thoughts about his sister then. The proprieties of England had still been in his subconscious during the early years.
A year after that thought was when Peter had finally kissed his sister. The fantasies hadn’t decreased, getting worse to where Peter would lock himself in his room at night away from Susan and Lucy. Only Edmund had known then. A combination of desperation, love, and desire had led him to capture his sister’s lips in a heated frenzy. He had meant it be a gentle, familial kiss on her birthday but Aslan it seemed had other plans. His lips ignored the command for a quick kiss and refused to leave the warm embrace of her own. Peter’s mouth had betrayed even further by parting his lips to deepen the kiss. The jolt in his head to find her own mouth open and willing was still fresh in his mind after all these years. Kissing his sister, his love, his Susan. She became his everything after that point. Susan was special, she was beautiful, and they gave each other everything. She was even the woman who would take his own virginity as he would take hers one fateful night years after their kiss. Susan was—is— the woman he would love for eternity. He wished more than anything to forget that. To have some semblance of a normal life and a family. As long as the memories of a flush Susan in his bed were still at the forefront of his mind, he would never have that.
Shaking the memories from his head, Peter focused himself on getting to bed. He did have an exam in the morning and having resigned himself to never seeing Narnia again, it would do well to sleep and relax beforehand. His future career depended on it.
Peter finally stood up, pulling the chain on the lamp and walking out of the study quietly. It was early in the morning, Edmund and Lucy had most likely just fallen asleep after a night together and Susan long asleep after a date that ended earlier. He didn’t want to wake them. Peter moved up the steps of the house as silently as he could and stopped in front of the bedroom door he and Edmund shared down the hall. It struck Peter as odd that the door was completely closed as Edmund had a habit of leaving it open all the time. Less chance of making noise by opening a creaky door to get to Lucy in the middle of the night if necessary. Was this Edmund’s signal that he had taken a risk and bedded Lucy in their bedroom? Hesitantly Peter opened his bedroom door, twisting the knob and pushing the door slowly back to get a peek inside before he stepped in. His own bed was blocked from view by the door but he could see his brother’s on the other side. Expecting to see Edmund and Lucy wrapped snugly in the sheets and in each other’s arms, Peter was surprised to find the opposite. Edmund’s bed was completely empty, still made from the morning. He opened the door further, the sight of his own bed surprising him instead.
Susan.
She was fast asleep in his bed, her body lying against the bed next to a pillow where her head and arm rested on top of. Her other arm was above her near the headboard, gripping the sheet. The familiar sight stirred something in Peter and he felt the familiar pull of guilt in him. It was the same way she would lay against him in Cair Paravel. When they had been in love.
The scene before him was a mockery of what Peter had once had. He felt venom pool in his mouth at the way his sister slept. Was this how she slept all the time? He’d thought it the special way Susan would mold herself to him while they were asleep. Here she was laid out in his bed, sleeping the way she would lay against him, and in her clothes from the day before like she had been waiting for her lover. His thoughts sickened him. He was jealous of his own bed and the way she slept.
Peter moved into his bedroom, gently closing the door behind him. He’d sleep in Edmund’s bed tonight and ignore Susan. Ignore the jealousy and pain inside him. Peter would change and resign himself to mentally reciting the elements of the periodic table to distract himself and bring about sleep. It would help him forget that Susan, in her green dress and bare feet was sleeping in the bed across from him.
Quickly he whipped his head back to her sleeping form. He could’ve sworn that Susan had been wearing a red dress on her date earlier. He did his best to ignore date nights, it only reminded him of what he couldn’t have. Susan had made a big deal about it earlier with their mother when the latter had suggested the green one. Peter hoped it hadn’t shown then but he was slightly relieved at Susan’s refusal to their mother to wear it. Green was the color she would wear for him in Narnia. He resigned himself to the idea that Susan had probably changed her mind at the last minute and had worn the green dress, hurting him even further. Shaking his head, he tiptoed to the dresser to get ready and sleep in Edmund’s bed.
“Peter?” The sound of his name made him jump. He turned around to see Susan sitting up in the bed, her hair disheveled from the pillow and her dress crumpled. She reached over and turned the light on so they could see better. Once on Peter could better see her face, her eyes puffy and red and streaks staining her cheeks. Familiar signs of her crying.
“Su, what happened?” he demanded as loudly as he could without raising his voice too much and waking everyone else up. His sleepiness and jealousy disappeared and was replaced by protectiveness. No one was allowed to make Susan cry without feeling his wrath. Had the bastard she’d gone out with hurt her? Peter would kill the man if he had. His future career be damned if it meant he couldn’t punish someone who had hurt his gentle queen. Embarrassed, Su wiped her face and got up toward the door.
“Don’t leave without an explanation!” he barked. He was too tired and too angry at whoever had upset his sister to care if he woke anyone up. Peter moved to get in front of her and block her way from the door. Susan got there first but instead of leaving like he had expected her to, she shut it and twisted the lock to secure the door.
“I’m not leaving. We need to talk.” She wasn’t looking at him, her gaze still fixed toward the door.
“Why were you crying?” Peter asked seriously.
“Edmund yelled at me earlier while you were sleeping—”
“Edmund did this?” he interrupted. “Why did he yell at you? Where is he anyway?”
“It’s not his fault!” she replied defensively, finally turning to face him. “He had every right to yell at me and probably should have a long time ago. He’s asleep in my room with Lucy, they deserve a little night to themselves. We need to talk.”
“You know about them? You’re certainly taking their incestuous relationship remarkably well.”
“Which is what ruined me and got me yelled at.”
“He yelled at you for accepting their relationship?”
“No,” she answered with a slight shake to the head. Peter yawned.
“Su what are you talking about?” he asked sleepily. Peter was tired and in need of a good night’s rest.
“I caught Ed and Lu while walking through the house after my date. They were outside, in a deep kiss, and I happened to walk by the window. Had I been smart I would’ve made a scene at them or pretended like I’d never witnessed it. Instead they caught my real reaction, how I really felt about it.”
“And what was that?” he asked curiously. Susan was acting strange and almost cryptic with the way she spoke. He also found it bizarre she hadn’t questioned how he had found out.
“Envy” Susan answered simply.
“You were jealous of our brother and sister’s relationship?” Tears had formed in her eyes again, a smile on her lips in relief.
“At least I still have you fooled. The one person I want to protect. Ed knew the moment he caught me catching him and Lu.” Peter was sure had he been more awake, he would be fully aware of the implications in her words. At the moment he was too sleepy and exhausted from studying.
“Su, I’m tired, forgive me if I’m not up to speed.”
“I remember! Everything. I always have.” The words smacked into Peter brutally. He felt stupid for not realizing sooner. Everything made sense. Susan’s behavior. Even the green dress that clung to her body had been a hint of her memory. If she truly hadn’t remembered would she have refused to wear it earlier? He was awake now. He was in shock. Susan did remember Narnia and most importantly, she remembered the love between her and him.
Susan had lied to him. It made his blood boil and his heart race. He’d spent so many years wishing to forget like her, acting as if he’d never seen his sister naked and writhing, and it had been a lie. His face contorted in anger.
“You lied to me,” he bit out. Peter did everything he could to keep out the anger growing in him.
“Yes,” she admitted in defeat.
“Why?”
“I wanted to protect you. We can’t be together in England, Peter. It’s illegal not to mention the social stigma from everyone. No one would accept it and you, you’ve always been destined for great things. You were the High King of Narnia. I wasn’t going to ruin that. So I forgot or said I did, hoping you three would really forget or play along.” How dare she! Peter thought. She had made this decision without his consent, without his approval. It was infuriating! He took hold of her arm, pulling her close to him.
“It’s my duty to protect you Susan. Not the other way around, how dare you,” he hissed.
“Peter please listen—”
“No you listen. I’ve spent years in absolute Hell pining after the one woman who doesn’t even remember me. How angry I was that she could forget so easily when I remained here, still wanting her, watching her go off with other men. Those idiots touching what is mine.”
“And what about when you resent me in years to come because you couldn’t have a normal life? Did that ever occur to you?” She was crying heavily at this point, her breath catching in hysterics. Peter moved closer and wrapped his teary sister into his arms, holding her tightly.
“The only thing I resent is having lost so many years with you.” His lips descended upon hers, kissing her feverishly. Her skin. Peter couldn’t get enough of the skin that had been deprived of him. Nearly ten years without her skin, touching her in the way he wanted. It was heaven. And Peter wasn’t going to give this up. Not now, not ever again. She was his and he’d claim her for eternity. Peter was tired of stolen glances, ignoring her, and watching other men take her out. It would end tonight. His palm slide up her outer thigh from the knee, caressing the skin up to her hip. With a gasp she broke away from the kiss with torn eyes. They told Peter how conflicted she was. A part of her that needed Peter once again and another part, the part of her soul firmly implanted in England that told her this was wrong.
“What will happen?” she asked. It sounded more like begging, a plea, anything to ease her conscience about choosing Peter.
“Once I graduate the four of us will leave. We’ll take a train somewhere and be happy with each other.”
“Years from now,” Susan answered solemnly. He gently lifted her chin so her eyes were forced to face him.
“Things take time. Edmund will be graduated by then. We can support you and Lucy properly.” Her eyes darted away to let her think clearly. She couldn’t with Peter’s stare weakening her knees and clouding her sound judgment.
“What about mum and dad? I don’t want them to worry.”
“We tell them the truth.” Susan ripped away from him. Her face was wide with shock and horror at the suggestion.
“The truth? We might as well sign our death warrants. They’ll send someone to lock us up immediately! Not to mention they’ll try and charge you and Edmund with all sorts of deviant crimes.”
“Mum and dad won’t find us. We tell them the truth so they don’t worry but beyond that we tell them nothing.” Peter reassured. “I won’t let anything happen to the four of us.”
“Alright,” Susan agreed. Peter placed a kiss on her forehead, pushing back stray hairs that circled her face.
“I missed you so much Su,” he whispered as his lips traced her temple down to her jaw.
“It’s late,” she whispered back with a smile, eager to have him keep kissing her. “You have an exam in the morning that you can’t fail.” She struggled against the last word as his took her lips with his own.
“I have a woman I want badly, the exam can wait.”
“And I have a man I want desperately but right now I need to make sure he doesn’t make a decision he’ll regret. I’ll be here for you after the exam, when you’re mentally exhausted and can’t even think.” She nuzzled against his chest, stroking his collar gently.
“Promise me I’m not having some study exhaustion induced dream.” Susan kissed his jaw.
“You’re not, I’ll be here until Edmund arrives to switch us back into our own rooms for the morning. We’ve got about three and a half hours until he comes. Let’s sleep.” She took hold of his hand and walked over to his bed, sitting down then falling back. She slipped under the blankets and pushed herself closer to the wall, her favorite spot. There was nothing Peter wanted more than to ravish his sister, tell her he loved her but she was right. She was always right. He needed sleep and lying next to her would have to do. The two fit snuggly in Peter’s twin bed, her body molded against his. Peter felt the tension and stress escape his muscles and bones. He would sleep well tonight with her by his side while pressed against him. Peter nestled his face into her hair, content to have the familiar smell and texture. It told him Susan was really here. She wasn’t a dream. He couldn’t help but doubt himself further.
“Promise me again this isn’t just a dream,” he whispered into her ear.
“It’s not a dream Peter.”
Peter slept well that night, better than he had in nearly a decade. Susan had finally returned to him.