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Peter woke the next morning alone in his bed, nervous that the night before had been nothing but a study-induced dream. It wouldn’t have been the first time he’d imagined himself in bed with Susan, her arms draped across him as she laid there peacefully. Usually the dreams were in their bedroom in Cair Paravel, Susan dressed in a flush, gossamer nightgown. Sometimes the dreams were innocent, the two of them sleeping soundly in each others arms to await the next day in Narnia. He remembered those happening during his exam times, too tired even in his dreams. Other times the dreams were just happy memories. His favorite moments of him and Susan together during their reign in Narnia. Their first kiss. Their wedding. The birth of their children. Safe, gentle moments from their life together. These were the most common dreams, happening nearly every night there wasn’t an exam he’d exhausted himself for or one of Susan’s dates. When the latter occurred, the dreams were lusty, sexual in nature with Susan beneath him on their bed, her nightdress hiked up around her waist, legs splayed open lazily with him between them, taking her possessively. If only to remind himself of what he couldn’t remind his sister’s dates: that he had once been her lover, her husband, the father of her children.
His heart sunk at the realization that the night before had been the cruelest dream he’d ever had. It wasn’t of Cair Paravel but of them, in their parents house, in his bedroom. Peter rolled around, burying his face into the pillow, and refusing to wake up, just to relive that dream even if for a moment. He inhaled a slow, sleepy breath to try and gain a few minutes more of his happy wonderland. The smell of Susan was eerily realistic, fresh, as if she’d really been there in his arms, sleeping after their horrid fight. He couldn’t even remember what they’d argued about, too sleep deprived to remember correctly. Peter could only recall the dream beginning with him finding her asleep in his bed, her eyes puffy and red from tears. Why had she been crying? Peter inhaled another breath and forced himself to sit up. The scent of Susan was too strong and if he didn’t get out of his bed now there was a good chance he’d never get up and miss his exam.
“Good morning, sleep well?” he heard Edmund ask happily. His brother looked like he’d been awake for hours, fully dressed in his shirt and trousers, a bag on his shoulder filled with notebooks, pencils, and probably a book for one of his classes. He was walking into their bedroom, shutting the door firmly behind him. Peter found it odd, Edmund rarely remembered to shut the door. His curiosity disappeared with the smell of Susan as the scent of fresh coffee filled the room, Edmund holding a cup. His nineteen-year old brother sat down on the bed, offering up the mug.
“What time is it?” Peter asked, taking the mug in his left hand while his right rubbed the sleep from his eyes. He hadn’t bothered to look at the clock that sat on the wall between their beds. He wondered why he hadn’t heard their alarm clock either. It had to have gone off if Edmund was wide awake. Sleep still in his system, he drank the warm concoction greedily.
“8:30, just enough time for you to get ready and head to your exam,” the former Just King replied to his elder brother. “And before you ask if the clock is broken, it’s not, I turned it off when I woke up so you could sleep in a bit.” Normally, Peter woke up at six am, when their father woke up to go to work. The two would usually sit with something warm to drink, a bowl of oatmeal for breakfast to combine it until the elder Pevensie left for work and by then, Peter would get ready for classes. He spent the extra time before Edmund was finally ready studying for his classes. Anything to keep himself busy and away from the dreams that often plagued him.
“Why did you do that? I needed to get a bit of studying in before the test,” Peter protested. He was secretly thankful Ed had let him sleep though. Even if he didn’t want to admit it, he had needed the extra rest.
“Don’t blame me, Su asked me to when I came back around five.”
"Since when does Su get up so early," Peter commented offhandedly. Ed raised an eyebrow at his brother, giving him a bewildered glance. Peter either ignored or didn't notice the confusion on his brother's face. Ed slipped his bag off his shoulder, letting it drop on Peter's bed. He stood up and opened up the wardrobe they both shared, pulling out a crisp, white button down shirt, a beige trousers, and a red tie.
"Get dressed, I'll call Su to tie your tie for you," Ed said, tossing the articles of clothing onto Peter's covered lap. Peter muttered a protest at calling for Susan, reminding Edmund he could tie his own tie properly without his sister's help. Edmund only retorted that Susan tied them better. The youngest Pevensie male opened their bedroom, calling out for his older sister to fix the mess of a tie Peter was creating. He ignored his younger brother and set about getting himself dressed for his exam. He looked over at the wall clock, grumbling that it really was 8:30 in the morning. He climbed out of bed fully, picked up the outfit his brother had chosen and walked over to the wardrobe mirror to dress himself properly. Peter was already looking at the mirror in the wardrobe, fiddling with his tie when Susan walked in. He found his eyes focusing on his beautifully made up sister. Her hair was gently curled in the current fashion, settling around her shoulders, a bright shade of lipstick that complimented the evergreen knee-length dress she wore. It seemed out of place to him, Susan rarely wore green.
"Peter," she laughed, gripping the ends of his tie, nudging his fingers away so she could adjust and knot the tie in the way she'd perfected. Edmund took that moment to not-so-silently open the bedroom door, placing himself in the doorway.
"Peter asked where I'd gone last night, Su. I don't think he believes he wasn't dreaming," Ed chuckled as he walked out, shutting the door behind him. Peter raised his own eyebrow at the spot that Edmund had formerly occupied, wondering what on earth he was talking about when he felt Susan's fingers slide up from his finished tie up to the collar of his shirt. Her left hand straightened out his collar, keeping it crisp for his exam in a few hours. She smiled brightly at her efforts, tugging his tie one last time to tighten it. Her bright, accomplished smile faded into a frown after a few moments Ed left.
“It wasn’t a dream, Peter,” she gently reprimanded. It was the same firm, motherly tone she had used when they were children. Susan lifted up onto her toes, her lips inching close to Peter’s ear. “I really was here last night,” she whispered. Nervously, she propped herself down, worried that her mother would come in at any moment. There was no reason for their parents to be suspicious of the nature of the relationships between the siblings, but that didn’t mean they needed to be careless. Susan badly wanted to kiss Peter, to remind him that she in fact did remember but the fresh, red lipstick on her lips stopped her. She couldn’t risk running into her mother in the hallway when only moments before she’d been in the kitchen with her, perfectly made up. Susan didn’t even want to think of what would happen if her mother found Peter’s lips equally flustered and red.
The two lovers were left in an awkward situation. Peter couldn’t move, unsure of what he was hearing, of what it meant. He’d convinced himself last night had been a dream and the absence of Susan’s warm form next to his when he awoke surely solidified that fact. Now being told while wide awake and with other things on his mind that it had not been a dream, it was a dream come true in his mind.
“You actually remember?” he asked, too loud for Susan. She gently covered her brother’s lips with the palm of her hand, effectively silencing him. She was absolutely terrified of being caught. Their family needed no more heartache, not with a war long over and still recovering from its effects. Her whole body was rigid in worry, wondering what would happen if their mother did stumble upon one of the pairs in a tight, unfamilial embrace. Would they be sent away?
“Peter, please,” she hissed. “They cannot know, we can’t afford that,” she pleaded as quietly as she could. Her bright blue eyes filled with terror, a look Peter could only remember seeing a few times in their time in Narnia. Su’s hand left his lips, stroking his cheek hesitantly. He chose his next words carefully, speaking them softly to not alarm her.
“You remember?” he repeated nearly inaudibly. Her head nodded in a slow, uncertain yes. The night before, the dream he’d so vividly remembered became more familiar. Susan’s tears, him finding her asleep on his bed, every single detail more than a dream. A memory, now fresh and vivid.
“How tired were you?” she smirked playfully, her fingers leaving his cheek. The absence of contact made Peter’s gut twist, wishing her fingers would return against his skin.
“So tired, I’d forgotten,” he returned with an equally mischievous smirk. Peter leaned in to kiss his sister but was stopped by her fingertips upon his lips once more.
“We cannot, you’ll ruin my lipstick,” she warned. Peter sighed irritably, cursing himself silently for being so careless. Susan was right, she was always right. It was one of the things he loved about her. An idea then came to him.
“Trust me?” he pleaded softly, gazing into her eyes for the flickering seal of approval she gave. The instant he saw that twinkle of blue, he set himself to work. The door was shut, but he didn’t move to lock it. Too risky and brought about too many questions if someone did indeed come knocking. He brought the wardrobe door closer, stopping it at a flat angle from its hinges. The door blocked the few from the main doorway. He gesture for Susan to come closer, the wardrobe door shielding them both from any prying eyes.
“Anyone comes, tell me good luck on my exam and go back to fixing my tie,” Peter instructed. Susan nodded, still wondering what her brother’s intentions were. Her eyes went wide when he tugged the side of her dress, baring her right shoulder and collarbone for him. His lips made contact a moment later. Susan clenched her teeth, a shallow breath escaping through them, stifling the moan she had felt coming. It felt exquisite having his lips on her skin again, sucking and teasing the bone on her chest. He avoided her neck, a place too often covered by marks from irresponsible lovers. He and Susan had more at stake than being torn apart, like some Romeo and Juliet esque tale. Their family could very well ruin them, throw them into an asylum for their act they were committing.
Susan lost herself in Peter’ kiss. She stopped thinking, forcing herself to enjoy the moment. The small, precious moment they would have until later that night. The only type of moments they would be given until Peter and Edmund were both self-sufficient adults. It was unfair to Susan, that they'd all lost Narnia that fateful day, just meandering about, hunting the White Stag. She detested that stag more than anything now, knowing it had taken her from so much. What Susan wouldn't give to be back in Narnia with her husband, her crown, and her children. Every single thing about Narnia she wished for, the kiss on her neck not nearly enoug to satisfy her of the old days.
Peter's lips detached themselves abruptly from her collar when they heard a faint knock on the door. Susan's hands flew to her brother's tie, fiddling with and adjusting it. She kept her eyes focused on her menial task, too nervous at the idea that their mother was about to walk in to look up. Susan hated being this flummoxed, blaming it on her sensible—if a bit neurotic, nature. Luckily fate seemed to be thinking of her when the footsteps walking into the bedroom weren't her mother's but the familiar stomp of Edmund.
"Hate to interrupt but we've got to go, Peter has an exam," he reminded the fidgeting couple, embarrassed by their own lack of composure. The younger Pevensie male couldn't resist chuckling at his siblings' renewed romance. Peter glared at him, using his old kingly look of irritation. The glance only made Edmund laugh harder.
"Edmund is right," Susan interjected before Peter could give his brother a lecture. "You have an exam and I need to walk Lucy to school before my own classes." She moved to kiss Peter chastely on the cheek. She's was barely an inch from his cheek when she stopped herself,cremembering her lipstick. Peter had been tempted to let her kiss him, even if he'd have to wipe the stain off the moment she did. Edmund moved out of the doorway, giving his sister room to leave. She slipped out, turning down the hall toward the parlor, most likely where Lucy was waiting for her.
"Don't even—"
"I haven't said anything," Edmund snorted, his eyebrows raised. Peter picked up the bag that held his school things from the side of the bed, raising his own eyebrow at Edmund.
"You were thinking it," Peter retorted and followed Edmund out of their bedroom. Their sisters had already departed, both brothers giving their mother a quick goodbye before heading out the door. They walked in silence for a few minutes, putting themselves at a good distance from the house before Edmund took the opportunity to confront his brother.
"Lovely dream last night?" he smirked. Peter rolled his eyes.
"Shut up, Ed," Peter groaned. Edmund's face broke out into a full grin.
"What happened between you two anyhow? You didn't believe it was real, must've been good," Edmund chuckled. Peter sighed in defeat.
"We argued and then slept in bed. And I do mean slept, not what you're thinking of."
"If that's what you dream about, I can't even imagine your nightmares."
"For a while they were one and the same," the eldest Pevensie said grimly.
"I'm sorry this happened between you two, it wasn't right of her to lie to you."
"It didn't bother me at first, when we came back. I only had memories of my love for her, but I was no longer in love with her. It didn't hurt until I was getting older, about the age we first kissed that the memories became painful and I missed her." Edmund nodded in agreement as the brothers kept walking.
"Lucy and I had the same thing. We remembered everything but we were kids again, mentally, physically, emotionally. It was wonderful—falling in love with her all over again, our memories becoming more than just memories, but experiences." Edmund's voice was filled with happiness, the romantic smile of a satisfied lover on his face.
"When did you two become...?"
"More than talk and remembrance?" Edmund supplied. When Peter nodded, Edmund answered. "Two years ago, a month after Lucy's fifteenth birthday. Funny, I never realized that was around the same time I'd kissed her the first time in Narnia."
"Meant to be then," Peter grinned, happy for his siblings and for once, happy for himself.
"We want to go away together someday, I hate the secrecy. Maybe to America?"
"I promised Susan we all would when you and I finish school, so we can take care of them." Edmund liked the idea, his lips upturned in approval.
"Lucy would like that I think, we would get to see you two regularly."
"And you?" Peter asked, wondering what his brother thought.
"What makes Lucy happy makes me happy," he replied. "We were all living together in Cair Paravel, why not in America?"
"Do you think we'll ever go back to Narnia?" Edmund shook his head in response.
"I miss it but I don't think we can, there's been too much." Peter didn't bother to ask what Edmund meant. It hardly mattered anyhow. Peter wasn't sure he even wanted to go back. Time didn't work there like it did in their world.
If they did somehow go back. Would it be their Narnia? Would any of them even want to go back? They were questions neither of brother wanted to answer openly. They had had wonderful lives in Cair Paravel, could they willingly go back to that with the looming possibility it would be ripped from them again?
Peter and Edmund walked in silence after that, neither wanting to relive the reasons why the four of them wouldn't, couldn't, be able to return to Narnia.
But how he wished things were different.