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All of Sláine Shepard's good intentions died the moment they sneaked the Normandy off Citadel and continued their mission unsanctioned.
She had no way of knowing what had happened to Anderson who aided them in their escape, no way to know what they would face on Ilos, what the Conduit was, what Saren was planning, if the giant space prawn on Virmire had been telling the truth or if it was another misdirect.
Suddenly fraternisation regs seemed like the least of her worries. So when Kaidan showed up in her cabin – and it was very much Kaidan, not Lieutenant Alenko – she didn't care what his stated reason was. His eyes were as troubled as hers, and there was that almost-kiss of earlier when she had almost lost faith and he had helped her recover it.
She pulled him close and kissed him.
“I'm not your commander now, Kaidan, just Sláine. Anything you decide, make sure it's for the right reasons. Not because... not because I put pressure on you.”
“Are there right reasons at the moment? Are we only doing this because we might die tomorrow?”
“I know I've wanted this for longer than just now,” she said dryly.
“You have to know I have too, I'm not exactly subtle,” Kaidan said, pulling her closer, and oh yeah, the body felt as good as it looked.
“Then be even less subtle. Be with me.”
“Just for tonight?”
“For starters. We'll think about the day after if we live that long.”
“I... I can't just... That's not who I am. I have to know what I'm getting into.”
“What do you want, a proposal?” she didn't mean to sound like a lecherous villain in a bad romance novel but finally, finally having him in her arms but no closer was a bit frustrating.
Luckily Kaidan seemed more amused than insulted. “Maybe I just want to know you'll still respect me in the morning.”
“Kaidan... I'll still want you in the morning, and all the mornings after.” Oops, that sounded perilously close to a vow of commitment. “I don't particularly care if we have sex tonight – though I do want that, very much, thank you, I just... I didn't want to face tomorrow without finally talking to you about this, to have it explicitly stated that I, that we...”
“I don't want to imagine going on without you,” Kaidan said, and now the desperation of the end of their mission was in his voice. The very real threat of death in their near future.
“Me neither,” she said, softly, almost surprised by the admission, the feelings choking her up. Was this really love?
“And I don't want to go now,” Kaidan admitted, arms still around her. “I don't want to spend what might be our last night alone.”
She kissed him then, tasting the desperation, and even though she knew their first time might very well be their last, she wouldn't regret it. Not even if she lost him tomorrow and only had her memories.
Better make them damn good ones, just in case.