Chapter Text
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: miss me?
Not that your straight A’s aren’t impressive, but your lack of AP classes are not gonna get you into some place like MIT. I’ve got some project for you to work on to beef up that school resume
Tony
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: absolutely not
I’m??? Five years of radio silence and suddenly you want to be a guidance counselor. The Accords really changed you.
And FYFI, I have taken AP classes, they’re just not on my transcript because I have to take them online. It might be hard to believe, but there aren’t many AP classes offered when you live in the middle of Bumfuck, Tennessee like I do.
What’s the project. Because I’m so over the retro reflective panels. I’m not sure you know the meaning of stealth.
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: you’re mean
Much like New York, I’d advise you not to bring up the Accords again.
You’re really slowing me down here. Send a list of what you’ve taken with your scores so I can see if you’re still up to bat for this project.
PS: I’m stealthy.
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: you’re annoying
[2 attachments]
I’m sure you could have just hacked some database like you did for my email. Now you’re the one slowing me down about this project. What is it.
PS: you’re really not
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: [none]
I didn’t hack anything. It’s on your facebook profile. Which, I can’t believe you still have an active facebook profile. C’mon, Keener.
Also I am so sorry. If you’ve already taken the BC calculus exam I can’t imagine how bored you are. What is it that you do down there?
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: [none]
Just because I live in the middle of nowhere doesn’t mean I don’t like it. I have friends. I do stuff. Fix farm equipment and cars and whatever else breaks here. We also just got a Pizza Hut three months ago and guess who’s their new delivery boy.
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: I hate you
Please tell me you do not deliver smelly pizzas in the pristine, vintage, mustang with a custom!!!! paint job!!!! I bought you.
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: I know
:D
Okay but for real, tell me about this project or any other emails you send me will forever go straight to spam
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: and to think I was gonna pay for your college tuition
You would never. But you’re right.
Ever heard of Spider-Man?
harleyquinoa: mom real quick before your shift starts: who is spider-man
katiecat: ???? a man made of spiders? I don’t know, baby
thetempestmermaid: omg harley how do you not know who spider-man is
harleyquinoa: I believe I was specifically asking MOM
harleyquinoa: but wait ariel for real tell me
thetempestmermaid: he’s a superhero!!!
thetempestmermaid: [link]
harleyquinoa: damn. man caught a whole bus with his hands
harleyquinoa: wait what the heck where are the spiders???
thetempestmermaid: he shoots webs to swing and like,,,catch bad guys
thetempestmermaid: you know, like spiders
harleyquinoa: spiders don’t catch bad guys pay more attention in bio
harleyquinoa: also is he wearing sweatpants
harleyquinoa: this man calls himself a hero and he’s wearing sweatpants
thetempestmermaid: not anymore he got an upgrade
thetempestmermaid: [link]
harleyquinoa: ohhhhh he was the dude in washington dc got it
thetempestmermaid: I can’t believe u don’t know who he is he works with ironman!!!
harleyquinoa: whaaaa, for real? no shit?
katiecat: don’t swear where your sister can read it
harleyquinoa: sorry
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: hah pay up $$$
Yeah, I’ve heard of him. You two sometimes work together in New York.
I’m starting to think this is like some sort of Manhattan Project. Have you reverted to your old, crooked, war-like ways. Do you need me to drive up to New York and hit you with some common sense via smelly mustang
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: it’s called The Queens Project, moron
[4 attachments]
I’m regretting this offer already. Stay away from me.
Right. Well, I’m the one that upgraded Spidey from pajamas to multi-million dollar spandex. It’s been good for him, but it’s not something he’s used to and that, combined with his occasional dumbassery, breaks or rips my hard work. The main source of his upkeep is his webs. And he's been busy. Needs some extra hands. That’s where you come in. I’ve sent over basic schematics of his suit and his web-shooters. It won’t run on Windows XP, so you might have to go to a library.
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: how was I supposed to know you’d give it a dumb name
I hate you. Also, we don’t have a library, so jokes on you.
But for real, why do you need me for this? I looked over what you showed me and it seems like something you should be able to handle, if Spider-Man can’t. But then again, I just found out those webs don’t actually comes out of his hands.
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: idiot
Why would they come out of his hands
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: takes one to know one
Omfg he sticks to walls and is freakishly strong!!! Aliens fell from a wormhole in New York!!! You managed to get engaged!!! The whole world is full of shit that doesn’t make sense.
I just don’t understand how I can be so helpful from so far away. I mean, the whole Iron Man suit and JARVIS thing was different. Kinda. I guess. Why me and why SPIDER-MAN.
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: I want the car back you little shit.
Stop mentioning New York. But ignoring all that.
I told you. You need something else besides your boring-ass transcripts if you’re going to go to MIT. I only have so much pull, and that’s saying something considering I’m...well, I’m me.
And as for Spider-Man...he’s a lowkey superhero. He’s not even an Avenger, he’s too inexperienced. A youngin’, like you. He could use a new perspective. You're a perfect match. I think you’ll do well with input on Peter’s webshooters
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: come and get it old man
MIT. hah.
But I mean sure, screw it, I’ll give as much input as needed. Plus, I guess Stark Industries intern won’t look so bad on college apps.
Wait, who’s Peter? Is that Spider-Man?
misterstark: kid I fucked up
peterparkour: omfg did you buy that gerhard richter
peterparkour: i told you pepper would be pissed!!!!
misterstark: i did but this is worse
misterstark: remember that kid I was telling you about?? The one that lives in tennessee
peterparkour: harley, right? he helped u with the mandarin
peterparkour: which is so cool!!!!
peterparkour: i have so many questions to ask him
peterparkour: wait did you talk to him like you said u would?
peterparkour: did you offer him the “internship”
peterparkour: did he say no??? D:
misterstark: I accidentally name dropped u while talking about helping spider-man
misterstark: therefore implying
misterstark: that you are
peterparkour: :O
peterparkour: mr. stark!!!!!!
misterstark: don’t worry about it i can fix it
misterstark: you’re about to get that stark company email u always wanted
misterstark: kinda
peterparkour: :D
To: <[email protected]
CC: <[email protected]>, <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: [none]
Harley,
Peter’s my personal, actual intern here. The only one Stark Industries has. He’s your age and he’s familiar with Spider-Man, but his workload has recently gotten a little hefty, so I thought it couldn’t hurt to bring someone else into the equation. He invented the web-fluid and gave it to Spider-Man. Spider-Man told me about it, now we’re one big happy family blah blah blah
You’re all CC’d so...Harley meet, Peter. Peter meet Harley. Spidey, meet the bozos. Have fun. I’ve got a long and overdo vacation to get to.
-
To: <[email protected]
CC: <[email protected]>, <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: LIAR
omfg vacation from what?? miss potts is your CEO she does all the work
peterparkour: omfg
peterparkour: we’re gonna be great friends,,,, i can feel it
misterstark: that’s what im afraid of
Chapter Text
peterparkour: sooooo
peterparkour: mr stark outed my identity
guyinthechair: !!!!!!!!!!!
guyinthechair: does this mean I get to tell everyone at school????
peterparkour: absolutely! Not!
guyinthechair: but you said he outed you!!!!!
guyinthechair: i’d like to spam the school group server before the new york times steals my thunder
peterparkour: ned it’s not a big deal its just one (1) person
peterparkour: his other intern
peterparkour: or like, his actual intern
peterparkour: im not a real intern
peterparkour: i don’t think
guyinthechair: well who is this Other Intern
peterparkour: umm his name is Harley Keener
peterparkour: he lives in this really small town in tennessee
guyinthechair: okay hold on
guyinthechair: Got ‘Em
guyinthechair: he lives in rose hill, tn to be precise
guyinthechair: population: ur apartment complex
guyinthechair: aww, he’s our age
guyinthechair: has a little sister
guyinthechair: he,,,spent the last summer filling in for the town’s mechanic
guyinthechair: he drives a mustang
guyinthechair: vintage, very nice
guyinthechair: he also works for pizza hut omfg
guyinthechair: why did stark hire this dude???
peterparkour: how did you find all that shit on him so fast
peterparkour: why aren’t YOU mr stark’s new intern
guyinthechair: right?????????
peterparkour: your sleuthing…..unmatched
guyinthechair: absolutely
guyinthechair: but this time I just facebook stalked him
peterparkour: lol he uses facebook
peterparkour: we should friend him
guyinthechair: already done
guyinthechair: but for real, why did stark hire this guy as his intern?
peterparkour: oh!!
peterparkour: it’s pretty wild but basically back when that whole mandarin thing happened
peterparkour: mr stark crashed in his town after his suit flew him away from malibu
peterparkour: u know, after they bombed his house
peterparkour: and stark needed help and harley was there to help fix the suit and his AI
guyinthechair: whaaaaa that’s crazy
peterparkour: yeah he sounds pretty smart
guyinthechair: a fellow guy in the chair
guyinthechair: wait this guy isn’t gonna replace me is he
peterparkour: ??? never dude u know that
peterparkour: but he is gonna help with my suit and web shooters
peterparkour: and idk other stuff
peterparkour: i haven’t talked to him yet
guyinthechair: bc he knows ur spiderman??
peterparkour: okay so
peterparkour: he doesn’t….exactly know im spiderman
guyinthechair: ugh
guyinthechair: clickbait
peterparkour: no!!! It’s complicated!!! I have to pretend im peter AND spiderman
guyinthechair: ????
guyinthechair: you are peter and spiderman
peterparkour: right but like I have to email him from two different accounts
peterparkour: and pretend we’re different people
guyinthechair: peter
guyinthechair: you do that NOW
peterparkour: well!!!!
peterparkour: yeah
peterparkour: but this is different ok!!!
peterparkour: i have to pretend im like,,, an adult
peterparkour: like i have to talk to harley as spiderman….who he thinks is an adult
peterparkour: that pays taxes and stuff
peterparkour: probably buys groceries
peterparkour: has their OWN Netflix account
peterparkour: oh my god he probably has cable
guyinthechair: no one has cable anymore
peterparkour: spider-man is an Adult superhero now okay he has cable.
peterparkour: he watches The News
guyinthechair: gonna level with you
guyinthechair: this sounds pretty stupid
peterparkour: :(
guyinthechair: i mean, that doesn’t mean I’m not 100% behind the scam
guyinthechair: if u say spidey has cable, then spidey has cable
guyinthechair: im nothing if not loyal
peterparkour: :D
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: internship
Hey Peter
I have a few questions concerning the whole Spider-Man project. Tony kind of left me in the dark about the details. I’ll admit I don’t know a LOT about Spider-Man, he’s not really the talk of the town here so...does he prefer I relay to you when possible? I mean, Tony gave me his email but I don’t really know how to talk to him. Her? I assume him. Though, Spiderwoman doesn’t have the same snap to it, so I don’t know. Anyway, I guess what I’m asking is just a relative overview. This guy must be relatively new, he doesn’t even have a wikipedia page.
Also like, why spiders. Black Widow had that gig kinda on lock down. Seems...a bit copy-cat.
Harley
-
peterparkour: ned we should make spider-man a wikipedia page
guyinthechair: can do here’s a rough draft
guyinthechair: Spider-Man, also known as Peter Parker, is just some punk from Queens. After allegedly being bit by a radioactive spider on a field trip, he decided that he’d fight crime in his pajamas until local Hero Tony Stark took pity on his ass and made him a Junior Avenger. Peter-Man can be found upstate at Avenger’s Weenie Hut Jr training facility in hopes of one day becoming a Tough Guy.
peterparkour: god.
peterparkour: mj’s influence is cosmic
peterparkour: it knows no bounds
guyinthechair: she says “thank you”
guyinthechair: also, we have a flashless decathlon prep session at that hippy dippy coffee shop she loves so much
peterparkour: kool koffee?
guyinthechair: no the other one
peterparkour: jojo's jitters??
guyinthechair: no like the OTHER one
peterparkour: omfg ur killing me
peterparkour: Two Sugars?
guyinthechair: ah! bingo
guyinthechair: so hang up ur spandex and don’t be late
peterparkour: i just gotta answer harley and I’ll be there!
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: internship
Heya Harley!
Yeah, Spidey’s pretty cool. I’ve only really met him a few times. He’s pretty hush hush about his real identity, I don’t know a lot about him, but he’s only a few years older than we are. Tony sent you the schematics for his webshooters right? We manufacture those for him, but he does everything else: the suit is designed to help him stick to surfaces, which he can do on his own. He also has super hearing, super-sight, super all the senses. There’s also the enhanced metabolism, super speed, and super strength.
That’s...pretty much it! And yeah, he’d probably prefer if you just relayed everything to me. But if you ever have a direct question for him, feel free to shoot him an email about it, he won’t mind!
In terms of the internship, I’ll make sure Tony or Pepper get the right paperwork together for your pay, as well as anything you might need for your transcripts. As for everything else...it’s basically just you and me. Spidey’s the boss, Tony just pays for everything. I’ve been working on a web fluid formula that I can’t get right. I’ve done a few tests, but I didn’t video record for research purposes yet, but once I have that done, I’ll send you the file, and you tell me what you think? Thanks!
PS: He’s Spider-Man because he was bitten by a radioactive spider! I don’t think he had a choice haha
-
harleyquinoa: ariel
harleyquinoa: peter says spiderman was bitten by a radioactive spider
thetempestmermaid: whaaaa????
thetempestmermaid: no no I don’t think that’s true
thetempestmermaid: he’s a mutant
harleyquinoa: like an x-men?
thetempestmermaid: I mean, sorta
thetempestmermaid: everyone says he’s the product of some weird government experiment gone terribly wrong
harleyquinoa: you’ve ventured into stranger things territory
harleyquinoa: or I guess like
harleyquinoa: it could be like captain america?
thetempestmermaid: yeah I guess
thetempestmermaid: radioactive spider is a dUMB theory tho who thought that up
harleyquinoa: okay BUT that's what peter said and peter knows spiderman SO
thetempestmermaid: who is peter and how does he know him/?
harleyquinoa: he’s the stark intern I’m working with
thetempestmermaid: omg you were SERIOUS with that?
thetempestmermaid: I thought you were just messing with mom!!!!
harleyquinoa: nope.
harleyquinoa: you are now looking at spiderman’s new right hand man
harleyquinoa: one of them
harleyquinoa: not that spiderman has two right arms
thetempestmermaid: i mean.
thetempestmermaid: he should have four. Four left, four right.
harleyquinoa: HAH
harleyquinoa: ooh, there’s an idea
thetempestmermaid: what
thetempestmermaid: ur gonna give him more aRMS?????
harleyquinoa: sorta. Like, in the suit.
harleyquinoa: idk it's in my head
harleyquinoa: I’ll have to email him about it
thetempestmermaid: YOU HAVE SPIDERMANS EMAIL????????????????????????????????????
harleyquinoa: I heard you squeal from the garage
harleyquinoa: and yes
thetempestmermaid: GIMME
harleyquinoa: sure!!!!
harleyquinoa: [email protected]
thetempestmermaid: omg
thetempestmermaid: just!!!!!! I’ll get get it from u eventually so just give it!!!
harleyquinoa: no
thetempestmermaid: worst big brother EVER
thetempestmermaid: maybe peter will give it to me
thetempestmermaid: I’m gonna friend him on facebook
harleyquinoa: could you NOT bug my new co-worker
thetempestmermaid: co-worker. Get real.
thetempestmermaid: oooh, he’s cute!!!!!
harleyquinoa: oh my god
harleyquinoa: leave him ALONE
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: my menace of a sibling.
This isn’t really work related, but my little sister just friend you on facebook. If she’s annoying just block her. Send a virus to her computer. Have Stark nuke her phone, just do whatever I seriously don’t mind.
Sorry again
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: All Good!
I don’t mind! I already accepted :D
This whole internship doesn’t have to be so formal. You can email me or Spider-Man about whatever. I promise it’s fine
-
To: <spiderman@[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: radioactive spiders
Hey, sorry for the lack of introduction but I just gotta know: Peter said you were bitten by a radioactive spider and that’s how you got your powers which sounds….ridiculous? I don’t know, at least more ridiculous than the other theories. Anyway, just let me know, if that’s possible.
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: radioactive spiders are REAL
Yeah, unfortunately, the radioactive spiders are the real deal. How they got the spiders to be radioactive is a mystery to me, but there was definitely a random spider bite in a high tech lab, I’ll tell you that.
Just out of curiosity...what are the other theories?
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: I guess you’d know, huh
There’s a lot of theories. One is that you were born like that and you were a failed x-men recruit. Another is that you’re straight up an alien, that’s why you wear the mask. There’s another where they say you’re like….Captain America 2.0. Like, you’re a failed government mutated spy that was supposed to be Black Widow’s partner. That one’s pretty good, they say you committed to the spidersona because you’re secretly in love with her.
Now that I type that all out, radioactive spider sounds a lot less crazy after all.
Thanks
-
peterparkour: ned
peterparkour: maybe that wiki page isn’t such a bad idea
Notes:
this fic is so fucking stupid jfnhksjghjhg I can't believe this is what I'm bringing to the table in 2019.
Chapter Text
emjay: [link]
emjay: ned what in fucks name have you done to poor peter
peterparkour: SGKSLKGHSLKGHSLDHGS
guyinthechair: what??? Peter said he wanted his own wiki page
peterparkour: NOOOO YOU USED THE PHOTO OF ME COMING OUT OF THE PORTA POTTY AS MY PROF PIC
peterparkour: toilet paper on my foot
peterparkour: ned. how could you
guyinthechair: hehehehe
emjay: high art
emjay: couture
emjay: put it in the moma
peterparkour: AGE RANGE:
peterparkour: 12-35!!!!!!!!!!!/?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
peterparkour: N E D
guyinthechair: im protecting ur identity??
guyinthechair: ur welcome???
emjay: I can’t decide what’s funniest: the origin story that says you fashioned your spider suit after the “its Wednesday my dudes” spider enthusiast, the part where it says you have a talking magical spider as a sidekick, or that the fake birthday that Ned gave you makes you a scorpio
peterparkour: okay DRON-E can’t TALK but he’s my sidekick and I Love Him
guyinthechair: I thought Karen was your sidekick
peterparkour: Karen is too important to be labeled a sidekick
peterparkour: also
peterparkour: I SHOULD be a scorpio
peterparkour: #arachnid vibes
guyinthechair: too easy
guyinthechair: hence why it made the wiki cut
guyinthechair: I hope harley approves
emjay: who’s harley
peterparkour: stark intern
peterparkour: we’re working on a new spidey suit!!!!!
guyinthechair: :O
guyinthechair: when were you gonna tell me???
peterparkour: relax it’s just ideas for now
peterparkour: I’ll send you the specs!!!
peterparkour: (it’s a stealth suit)
peterparkour: ssshhh
emjay: and what about you
emjay: is capable of stealth
peterparkour: spiders are sneaky!!!!!
emjay: black widow is sneaky
emjay: you?
emjay: I figured out your identity
emjay: bc u lack said stealth
guyinthechair: omfg
guyinthechair: SPY-derman
peterparkour: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
peterparkour: put it in the wiki
emjay: u guys are ridiculous
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: Project Sneekeh
[4 attachments]
Okay, I think we’ve got a basic outline. I tried rendering the design but the program crashed my computer. So those attachments are drawings from my little sister. They’re actually pretty good (don’t tell her I said that) but the last one is her suggestion that she’s making me email you (she wants me to email SPIDERMAN but she’s reading over my shoulder and I refuse to give her the address) and I won’t lie, it involves a lot of black glitter. Like a lot. I told her glitter is not the epitome of stealth, but she insisted the sparkles would nauseate Spidey’s enemies so. I guess he can decide for himself when he goes fabric shopping at Joann’s.
Also, about Prototype 17:A? I got those specs awhile ago and I had a theoretical “idea”, but the nanotech is a little beyond me, could you help?
peterparkour: hey harley’s mentioning something about a prototype 17:A but I don’t remember anything with that name
misterstark: Iron Spider
peterparkour: the iron WHAT now
misterstark: Iron Spider
misterstark: remember when I offered you that spot in the Avengers and you turned me down
peterparkour: yeah…..
peterparkour: the Test
peterparkour: right???
misterstark: do you think, I, Tony Stark, would create a fake, unusable, mock-up suit just to punk you?
peterparkour: yes!!!!!
peterparkour: you have a lot of time on your hands
misterstark: okay fair
misterstark: but I didn’t do that
misterstark: that was a real suit
misterstark: top of the line nanotech
misterstark: peter I even matched the color schemes to mine to give it a team vibe
peterparkour: :OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
peterparkour: m a t c h y - m a t c h y
peterparkour: the suit was REAL?
misterstark: kid. Yes.
misterstark: the OFFER was real
peterparkour: sjgnkhjfghklhgs
peterparkour: DKGJKGHLKGHSLKJRA:JHGDIWS
misterstark: but you made the right decision, declining.
misterstark: very mature
peterparkour: maturity is OVERRATED
peterparkour: I wanna be an avenger
misterstark: too late offer temporarily retracted
misterstark: get into MIT then we’ll talk
peterparkour: well, can I still have the SUIT?
misterstark: sorry. It’s a club member perk
peterparkour: D:
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: It’s Project Spyderman now
Email Mr. Stark and ask him for a new computer he’ll totally give you one. Or five.
I think they look good!!!! Still iffy about the fingerless gloves, but I’ll make a mock up and see what Spidey thinks when he tries it on. Your sister is really good at drawing, wow. And don’t worry, I’ll pitch the glitter prototype before he goes fabric shopping. The glitter could be a good diversion, you never know!!!
I don’t know much about nanotech to be much help, I’d go straight to Mr. Stark for that.
But send Spidey the specs!!!! I’m not sure he has the newest ones and I can’t find them on my computer. He might want input, too.
-
To: <[email protected]>
CC: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: Iron Spider
[3 attachments]
I attached the Iron Spider specs for Spidey in case he needed them, I have a few ideas. My computer is essentially hooked up to a potato battery right now, these dumb rendering programs have crashed it countless times. Idk if they’ll get through.
I hope this isn’t like some surprise I’m ruining it or whatever. I mean, if it is, that’s fine. A day spent pissing off Tony Stark is always well spent.
Anyway. I think you should add legs to Spidey’s suit.
peterparkour: HAHA HARLEY SENT SPIDEY THE SPECS FOR THE SUIT >:D
peterparkour: MISTER STARK [B]LEASE LET ME HAVE IT ITS SO COOOOOOL
peterparkour: HE EVEN SAID HE HAS MORE IDEAS FOR IT HOW CAN IT POSSIBLY GET ANY COOLER!!! LEGS????
peterparkour: what does that MEAN I can't WAIT
misterstark: oh my god if I let you try it on this weekend will you shut the hell up
peterparkour: NO NEVER!!!!!!
peterparkour: BUT I ACCEPT THANK YOU MISTER STARK UR THE BEST I LOVE YOU
peterparkour: <3 <3 <3
misterstark: love you too, spider-brat
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: I can’t believe you dumbasses are making a stealth suit
Seriously? A stealth suit? Spidey isn’t a spy. Though, Spyderman is a pretty good pun Peter hasn’t stopped giggling about it.
But still, I’ll send Peter some samples of fabrics though for it. He’ll have Spidey test them and get back to you. I don’t think the glitter prototype is gonna cut it.
I’ll also send you a new computer, since yours sounds like it’s moments away to blowing up mandarin style. And a new phone. Both will be able to download, well, everything. It’s a nice upgrade.
Tell me about the legs for 17:A
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: your dumbassery > my dumbassery
I dunno. Ariel’s really convincing. I think the glitter is a step up.
Okay, so, Spidey’s regular suit is made with that super light breathable synthetic fiber, which is great for swinging and shit. But the Iron Spider is designed for higher stakes fighting right? If you put in retractable “legs” that can come out and keep him grounded, it’ll give him better advantages on the ground, which he might need in a fight where he doesn’t always have such a high advantage or like….you know, skyscrapers.
Maybe make the legs a glitter metallic?
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: ‘swinging and shit’
Actually, that is a really good idea. The legs thing not the glitter, that’s dumb as hell. I’ll add them, maybe even have them in time for his next….fitting. Four, right? To make eight. Because you know. Spider
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: don’t fight the sparkle tony
Yes. Because Spider.
thetempestmermaid: hey spidey’s got a wiki now
thetempestmermaid: [link]
harleyquinoa: what the fuck
harleyquinoa: his birthday is november 11th too???????
thetempestmermaid: yeah i call bullcrap
thetempestmermaid: there’s no way spidey’s a scorpio
harleyquinoa: arachnid
harleyquinoa: fate
thetempestmermaid: okay but a water sign????
thetempestmermaid: get real
harleyquinoa: I regret buying you that astrology book for christmas
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: same hat
Hey, saw someone just updated your wikipedia page. Turns out we have the same birthday, pretty cool huh?
PS: hope you like the legs
peterparkour: ned I can’t believe u gave spidey harley’s birthday
guyinthechair: well!!! his facebook was up when I was making the wiki I had to pick something
peterparkour: don’t know how don’t know when but this wiki is gonna come back to bite me in the ass I can feel it
guyinthechair: nah that’s the spidey bite lingering
misterstark: why did I just get a notification from FRIDAY telling me that Spiderman - Wiki is trending
misterstark: nationally.
peterparkour: ghkdhgkd
peterparkour: the ass has been BIT
Notes:
like obvs tony's smart enough to come up with the spidey legs on his own HELL it probably is why he made the iron spider in the first place BUT i need plot material. so.
also yeah that stealth suit is THAT stealth suit. stealing that too. stealth suit my ass tho for real. the first time he tried to be sneaky he tased himself at that gas station parking lot lhjkghkfhgkd i love one spider disaster
uhhhh yeah. I can't believe im writing this. also I can't believe, officially, spiderman isn't even a scorpio it's a dumb pun. too easy. perfect comic material. cowards.
ok im done for real now
Chapter Text
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject [none]
[1 attachment]
You better show up
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: for real?
Did you seriously just send me an invite to your wedding with an electronic invitation? You run a fortune 500 company and you’re low on stationary? I thought you had more class than this
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: fuck u
I run a clean energy fortune 500 company??? And what more, a tech company??? If my invites aren’t tech then I’m a fraud.
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: you are a fraud
What if I don’t want to go
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: I will give you wine
You better show up anyway. I bought you a laptop specifically so you can download this high tech invitation
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: you’ve been sober since the mesozoic era this is a dry wedding
You bought me this laptop because I’m your stupid intern. Emphasis on the stupid. Also, I sincerely hope you aren’t counting on me to bring my sister as my +1
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: dry for me wet for you
It’s not like you can bring a cow, keener. This isn’t the sticks.
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: don’t say it like that that’s GROSS
I hate you. I don’t know if I mentioned that? But I hate you. I mean, I’ll be there. I regret this whole….quote internship unquote and my existence, currently, in its entirety, but like I’ll be there. Ariel will be the most annoying +1 you’ve ever met and she will try to swipe the wine just to prove she can
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: my bad
[2 attachments]
Challenge accepted. The only thing her hands are getting on is sparkling apple juice.
Also let me know what you think about those specs.
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: oh HELL no
Those aren’t specs those are napkin samples!!!! You already roped me into doing this fakey spiderman internship and now you want me to be your wedding planner? I won’t do it. At least, not without compensation. Cut the check or no opinion. Or save yourself some time and ask Peter.
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: oh HELL yes
It's not fake this will get you into MIT. and it is literally just one thing. Pepper left me in charge of reception design and I can’t choose between cotton or chiffon. Just pick.
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: cotton. Duh.
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: interesting. explain.
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: where’s the rope you used to reel me into this shit I want to hang myself with it
UGH fine okay why do I have to explain to you why chiffon is a bad material choice for napkins. It’s thin, it’s flimsy, it’s impractical. I wouldn’t use cotton either. Linen. Satin. A fucking polyester blend idk but don’t fucking use chiffon
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: no way you’re stuck with me bucko
Those aren’t the materials, those are the color choices idiot. Chiffon and cotton are shades of white. Debating on putting on some red monograms, and if I do then I’ll have to send you more samples because you know. Contrasting.
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: god i wish i never met you
Monograms? I’m sorry, is this a wedding or a fucking sorority. What is this wedding’s color scheme anyway. If it’s just a conglomerate of red and raspberries 1) congrats on being predictable as hell and 2) ...that’s it really. Also, can I just have your phone number if you’re going to bother me with this fucking nonsense all the time?
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: you adore me
If you can’t tell the difference between chiffon and cotton then the nuances are so gonna be lost on you but here’s the link to the pinterest page that peter’s made for it
Also, sure. I can text you my number. But do you REALLY want me to text you this stuff. Wedding’s not for a few more months. And I got a lot of opinions to solicit.
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: I want to fight you
Oh my god I was right you already roped peter into this shit!!! And me!!!! What a disaster leave me alone but cut my a check for my troubles anyway.
You’re right. Email, as archaic as it is, is fine with me.
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: that’s cute
Thought so. But hey, let me give Peter your number. He’ll add you to the wedding Group Chat. unlike you, he and his friends care very much about Pepper and I’s marriage.
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: no. No no.
I don’t want!!!! To plan your wedding!!!! I already bug him enough about spiderman bullshit we’re not doing this!!!!!!
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: yes. Yes yes.
Too late. He added Ariel, too
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: this feels unconstitutional. Unethical, at the least
I know you did some techy shit to get my number but hers??? That’s low man
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: nevermind
She just flat out gave it to you didn’t she
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: [none]
Yuuuuuuup
Group Chat: Wedding Brigade
thetempestmermaid: hi peter!!!! Hi peter’s friends!!!!
guyinthechair: heya!
emjay: yo
peterparkour: hi ariel! Are you excited to go to mr starks wedding?
thetempestmermaid: not really
thetempestmermaid: pity invites aren’t really my style
peterparkour: D:
harleyquinoa: ariel I will GLADLY go by myself I don’t need a +1
thetempestmermaid: what? no stark sent my own invite
harleyquinoa: jesus christ
harleyquinoa: you don’t have to go you know
thetempestmermaid: while it WOULD be a power move to not attend an avenger’s wedding after being invited
thetempestmermaid: ...it is an avengers wedding. I have to go
thetempestmermaid: even if I don’t have a +1 :(
harleyquinoa: ask mom
thetempestmermaid: but then that would be taking YOUR plus one
harleyquinoa: ….i know what you’re doing
peterparkour: you can be my date, ariel!!!!!!
thetempestmermaid: :D really???
harleyquinoa: oh god
harleyquinoa: and you've done it
peterparkour: sure!
peterparkour: ned can take mj
emjay: I don’t want to go
guyinthechair: as ariel has pointed out, its an avengers wedding you can’t just??? Not go
emjay: fair
emjay: can I wear a team captain america t-shirt
peterparkour: no
emjay: can I wear a Oscorp > Stark Industries custom hoodie
guyinthechair: y e s
peterparkour: No!!!!!!!!
guyinthechair: it’s funny!
emjay: can I interrupt the wedding by ripping off my jacket to reveal a t-shirt that says: Pepper Potts Will You Marry Me
harleyquinoa: yes
guyinthechair: yes
thetempestmermaid: yes
peterparkour: yes
emjay: cool glad that’s settled
peterparkour: hey harley did you get a chance to check out the pinterest page?
harleyquinoa: regrettably
harleyquinoa: yes, I have looked at it
harleyquinoa: you know what he’s doing right
harleyquinoa: he’s making you plan the wedding so he doesn’t have to
peterparkour: that’s not true!
emjay: it’s probably true
guyinthechair: I don’t care if it’s true. Someone has to stop him from using vermilion embroidery on the table cloths
peterparkour: okay, right??? Carmine is the superior choice
guyinthechair: don’t get me started on the centerpieces they’re too high
guyinthechair: and just???? red roses. typical
peterparkour: I wanted him to take a more eclectic taste?? Like I showed him the cool lanterns I pinned but he said and I quote, ‘we’re not getting married during the revolutionary war’ so :(
emjay: i thought the lanterns were dope
peterparkour: tHANK YOU
peterparkour: I have good taste
emjay: I wouldn’t go so far as to say that
peterparkour: D:
guyinthechair: if we’re being honest, the color palette is too….rich
emjay: well stark is RICH
harleyquinoa: ba dum tisssss
emjay: ^^^^^ thank you
guyinthechair: ugh you know what I mean. I get that his design choice is basically like…’a hospital!!! but make it FASHION’...but no one wants that for a wedding. You can’t toss out a bland white palette, slap some red on it and just CALL IT A DAY when ur marrying pepper potts
harleyquinoa: oooh how about peppers in the centerpieces
emjay: ^^^^^^^^^^^^
peterparkour: sljghgjhfg
peterparkour: wild, but I think you’re on the right track
peterparkour: everything needs to be more personal.
peterparkour: s o f t if you will
harleyquinoa: arc reactors in the paul revere lanterns
peterparkour: /kdgDFHGFH FH
peterparkour: holy shit
emjay: sounds steampunk
guyinthechair: what would that even look like
harleyquinoa: I mean, likely a breach of national security
harleyquinoa: if they were real
harleyquinoa: right?
harleyquinoa: you can’t just put...desirable technological devices capable of charging weapons of mass destruction on a table of vermilion embroidered tablecloths
peterparkour: carmine
guyinthechair: carmine
thetempestmermaid: carmine
emjay: just use the knock off night lights they sell at Target
guyinthechair: wait they have those???
emjay: duh how have you not noticed peter has t h r e e in his apartment
peterparkour: in my defense there was definitely a ghost in the apartment when I was eight years old
thetempestmermaid: harley has one in the garage
harleyquinoa: ….yeah, that’s true
guyinthechair: I need to buy one
guyinthechair: damn there’s a ton of avenger themed ones
guyinthechair: cap shield, thor’s hammer, hulk’s fist
guyinthechair: how long do you think it’ll be before they make a spiderman one
peterparkour: probably never no one knows who he is
peterparkour: still gets called “spider-dude” out in the streets
guyinthechair: that’s not true
harleyquinoa: no it’s true I didn’t know who he was when stark told me about him
peterparkour: ^^^^^^^^^^^
peterparkour: really thought after that wiki debacle it’d get better
harleyquinoa: how’d that mess end up by the way
harleyquinoa: stark said it was bad press but I didn’t see….how
peterparkour: mr stark thinks any press is bad press for spidey
peterparkour: secret identity and all
peterparkour: made some buzz, but it’s pretty much died down
peterparkour: damage control really wasn’t that bad
peterparkour: aside from the black widow love affair rumor that sparked a buzzfeed article??
peterparkour: that one was rough to reign in
thetempestmermaid: hey do you think spiderman will be at the wedding????
thetempestmermaid: it’ll be fun if spiderman is at the wedding
peterparkour: nahhh :(
peterparkour: he’d have to show up in his mask for his identity and that’d be weird
emjay: and my pepper potts love proclamation t-shit won’t be?
peterparkour: t-shit
harleyquinoa: t-shit
guyinthechair: t-shit
emjay: I will shatter all of your knee caps
peterparkour: sexy
guyinthechair: i’m showing up in full lederhosen
harleyquinoa: I’ll do a kilt, provided I get to play the bagpipes when they go down the aisle
thetempestmermaid: better idea
thetempestmermaid: bc no one wants to see ur chicken legs
thetempestmermaid: SPIDEY shows up in a kilt and plays the bagpipes
harleyquinoa: can’t
harleyquinoa: mask
thetempestmermaid: spidey shows up in a toga and plays the harp
harleyquinoa: better. improved. but still missing something
thetempestmermaid: spidey shows up in overalls and a straw hat and plays the banjo
harleyquinoa: there we go
guyinthechair: gdgdKHNDLKJHDH
guyinthechair: oh my GOD
guyinthechair: that’s so funny
guyinthechair: fun fact did u know that spidey plays the tuba
harleyquinoa: what
thetempestmermaid: how do you know that????
guyinthechair: uhhhhhh
guyinthechair: he told me?
thetempestmermaid: u met spidey too!??????
thetempestmermaid: how???
guyinthechair: WELL………………..
peterparkour: spiderman saved him
peterparkour: ned walked straight out into the street without looking like a moron
peterparkour: almost got hit by a taxi
thetempestmermaid: did he swoop in on his webs and swing you to rooftop safety
guyinthechair: nah he just tugged me by the collar of my jacket
guyinthechair: he was at the street corner buying a meatball sub
harleyquinoa: oh
thetempestmermaid: spidey shows up in lederhosen and pays the tuba
guyinthechair: ^^^^^^^^^^
emjay: this conversation has really derailed
peterparkour: we can go back to talking about wedding centerpieces
emjay: no thanks
harleyquinoa: honestly soften the palette, change the white and red tablecloths to millennial pink, use pink roses orange tulips and red carnations. Baby’s breath as an accent. It’s not that hard
peterparkour: :OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
guyinthechair: excuse me when does ur TLC special air
harleyquinoa: next spring
harleyquinoa: can we go back to talking about spiderman
emjay: spidey shows up in the stealth suit
emjay: btw does it still have glitter fabric
harleyquinoa: peter do u tell them everything
harleyquinoa: not judging just wondering how much I can #spill
peterparkour: oh yeah you can tell them everything
peterparkour: just them tho
peterparkour: and ariel too
thetempestmermaid: yah
harleyquinoa: oh cool
harleyquinoa: and yeah it does
emjay: not very stealthy
harleyquinoa: yeah I’ll probably have to change it
harleyquinoa: I can’t seem to get my active camouflage idea to work
harleyquinoa: but for now its very stylish
peterparkour: active!!!! camouflage!!!!!!
harleyquinoa: hell yeah
guyinthechair: okay for real what’s everyone wearing to the wedding because I have a feeling I need to buy a tom ford suit or just not bother showing up
peterparkour: honestly if you guys want custom suits just tell mr stark he loves dressing people up
emjay: even me
peterparkour: especially you holy shit
peterparkour: he’s been trying to get pepper to ditch her iconic pencil skirts for pants just ONCE for years
emjay: sweet deal i’ll send my measurements
emjay: i like black
emjay: stealth black
harleyquinoa: glitter suit
emjay: fuck off
guyinthechair: what’s pepper wearing????
peterparkour: she hasn’t show me anything yet but I think she’s going with a custom murad or an oscar de la renta
peterparkour: mermaid cut
harleyquinoa: don’t know what that means
harleyquinoa: but if she picks glitter over lace i’ll riot
thetempestmermaid: he DOES know what that means he watches say yes to the dress with mom all the time
peterparkour: it’s all good dude we’re all into it here that’s why mr stark wants our opinions
harleyquinoa: okay FINE
harleyquinoa: honestly.....a-line or bust
guyinthechair: preach
harleyquinoa: unpreach
harleyquinoa: i hate this don’t u see what he’s done
harleyquinoa: we’re gonna plan the whole wedding
harleyquinoa: as unpaid interns
peterparkour: but what fun
peterparkour: and think of the resume
harleyquinoa: MIT isn’t worth this
peterparkour: u want to go to MIT me t o o dude
peterparkour: u ned and I can be ROOMIES
harleyquinoa: yeah not worth it
harleyquinoa: but seriously spiderman needs to be at this wedding
peterparkour: he’s not gonna go dude i’m telling you
harleyquinoa: we’ll see about that
peterparkour: oh boy
Notes:
S T I L L stupid
Chapter Text
Chat - Tony’s Top Tier Two Faves (Peter + Harley) -
peterparkour: hey harley you work at pizza hut
peterparkour: do u get a discount
peterparkour: and can I apply it to a large hawaiian pizza delivery in queens
harleyquinoa: dude I don’t pay I just...eat it
peterparkour: you just take it/?
peterparkour: omg you don’t like...steal a slice from the box before you deliver, right
peterparkour: because that’s not cool man
harleyquinoa: no I just make one, call it a goof, and eat it
peterparkour: a wHOLE Pie?
harleyquinoa: yeah
harleyquinoa: stealing a slice from the box and trying to hide it sounds like a lot of physics that I’m not down for
harleyquinoa: and honestly? It sounds impossible
peterparkour: no, not impossible
peterparkour: basically just...angles.
peterparkour: trimming and cutting
peterparkour: a pizza cutter is a must
peterparkour: bet I could do it
harleyquinoa: knock yourself out
peterparkour: and on another note, how many pizzas do you actually deliver
peterparkour: because rose hill sounds like it’s smaller than a macy’s department store
peterparkour: oooh!!! is it like that episode of spongebob where they deliver pizza on a rock
peterparkour: like the pioneers did
harleyquinoa: it’s exactly like that episode of spongebob where they deliver pizza on a rock like the pioneers did
peterparkour: the wild west sounds like a blast
harleyquinoa: it’s tennessee not the oregon trail
peterparkour: !!!!!1 I still have that game
harleyquinoa: just gonna leave this wiki link...here
harleyquinoa: [link]
peterparkour: yes I’m aware it’s based on a historical event harley
peterparkour: i still go to school
harleyquinoa: just wanted to be sure
harleyquinoa: u go to that fancy high school science school I didn’t know if they taught you about the obsolete
harleyquinoa: the tech of ye olden days if you will
harleyquinoa: like telegrams
harleyquinoa: phonographs
harleyquinoa: fax machines
harleyquinoa: floppy disks
harleyquinoa: faxes
peterparkour: are you done
harleyquinoa: not quite im still having fun
harleyquinoa: dial up internet
harleyquinoa: blockbuster
harleyquinoa: windows 95
peterparkour: ….
harleyquinoa: ok im done
harleyquinoa: anyway, if you want a super discounted pizza here’s a pro tip
harleyquinoa: bill it to your SI credit card under a work expense
halreyquinoa: free pizza for life
peterparkour: what? No!
peterparkour: that’s dishonest
harleyquinoa: it is not
harleyquinoa: gotta eat to live
harleyquinoa: can’t help spidey if ur hungry
harleyquinoa: its a necessary expense
peterparkour: mr stark gets the bill every month he’ll know what im doing
harleyquinoa: if you think for one second tony 1) reads his own bills and 2) cares that you bought a pizza on his dime, you’re A Moron
harleyquinoa: which just can’t be true so just order ur disgusting sweet pineappley pie
peterparkour: D:
harleyquinoa: wait oh my god
harleyquinoa: ive just had a TERRIBLE thought
harleyquinoa: do u even use the credit card?
peterparkour: well….no!
peterparkour: mr. stark is just...always there. So I ask him for everything I need or use FRIDAY to order it and she approves it idk
peterparkour: what DO you bill as SI expenses???
harleyquinoa: literally everything
harleyquinoa: gas
harleyquinoa: groceries
harleyquinoa: a birthday present for ariel but don’t tell her
harleyquinoa: my AP exam costs
harleyquinoa: last week I ordered a new refrigerator because I’m sick of fixing it
peterparkour: a refrigerator!!?
harleyquinoa: yeah
harleyquinoa: it has a screen on the front door it’s pretty wicked
harleyquinoa: kinda want to buy new tiles for the bathroom too
peterparkour: oh my god
harleyquinoa: materials, not labor. I need SOMETHING to do.
harleyquinoa: surely tiling a bathroom can’t be that hard
peterparkour: um
harleyquinoa: what’s something that’s stupid expensive and useless, but you want it anyway
peterparkour: new shoes?
harleyquinoa: how is that stupid expensive or useless
peterparkour: I already have a pair of sneakers and a pair of dress shoes?
peterparkour: another seems redundant?
harleyquinoa: this is becoming painful
harleyquinoa: star wars
harleyquinoa: u like star wars, right?
peterparkour: yeah?
harleyquinoa: what if you just blew a college tuitions worth of tony’s cash on a lightsaber
harleyquinoa: like a REAL lightsaber
harleyquinoa: a REAL REAL lightsaber
harleyquinoa: that can like,, slice and dice, take down the dark order or whatever it’s called
peterparkour: im not entirely sure those exist
peterpakrour: bc mr stark would have probably bought one by now
harleyquinoa: he likes star wars?
peterparkour: he likes pop culture icons
harleyquinoa: ah
harleyquinoa: ok well this is better
harleyquinoa: order the supplies to make a lightsaber
harleyquinoa: that’s gotta be expensive as fuck
peterparkour: if i knew how to build a real lightsaber I would have 10 by now
peterparkour: spiderman’s gimmick wouldn’t be spiders
peterparkour: and he'd have the most wicked lightsaber to end All Fights
peterparkour: he'd be known as the Masked Jedi
harleyquinoa: so
harleyquinoa: darth vader
peterparkour: FUCK
peterparkour: i didn’t think this through
harleyquinoa: im telling spidey you think he’s a sith
peterparkour: well no one else wears a mask!
peterparkour: the Masked Jedi isn’t a dark force user. He’s good
peterparkour: it’s a rebranding
harleyquinoa: perfect glad that’s settled
harleyquinoa: so you’re making a lightsaber?
peterparkour: Absolutely Not.
harleyquinoa: you’re killing me
harleyquinoa: im getting force choked over here
harleyquinoa: switching tactics
harleyquinoa: [link]
peterparkour: !!!!!!!
peterparkour: is that for real!!!?
harleyquinoa: an actual lightsaber prop used on the force awakens?
harleyquinoa: being auctioned for sale to any commoner with a PHAT CHEQUE???
harleyquinoa: you bet you’re sweet, nerdy ass
harleyquinoa: tell tony you want it
peterparkour: no
harleyquinoa: listen to me I’m trying to teach you something
harleyquinoa: the value of a Tony Stark dollar, if you will
harleyquinoa: just...text him that link
harleyquinoa: and see what happens
peterparkour: …...ok?
Chat - The Adventures of IronDad and SpideySon (Peter + Tony) -
peterparkour: [link]
misterstark: oh fuck yeah
misterstark: they’re auctioning this off for real?
misterstark: you gotta have it
misterstark: god I love a bidding war
misterstark: don’t worry kid it’s in the bag
Chat - Tony’s Top Tier Two Faves (Peter + Harley) -
peterparkour: HE BOUGHT THE LIGHTSABER WHAT DO I DO
peterparkour: I DIDN’T THINK HE WOULD BUY THE LGIHTSABER
harleyquinoa: this is fantastic.
peterparkour: WHAT DO I SAY TO SOMEONE WHO BOUGHT ME THE WORLD’S MOST EXPENSIVE NOVELTY ITEM
harleyquinoa: this went exactly how I hoped
peterparkour: DO I OFFER HIM MY KIDNEY>!???
peterparkour: WE HAVE THE SAME BLOOD TYPE DOES THIS MEAN HE GETS MY KIDNEY
harleyquinoa: probably just a smidge of your liver
harleyquinoa: he might not drink anymore but he probably did irreparable damage to that thing in the 90s he’ll likely need it down the road
peterparkour: I CAN’T BELIEVE IM GIVING MR STARK MY LIVER
harleyquinoa: was it worth it?
peterparkour: YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
peterparkour: THIS IS SO EXPENSIVE AND LITERALLY WORTH MORE THAN I AM BECAUSE I’VE SEEN THE LIFE INSURANCE POLICIES
harleyquinoa: jesus
peterparkour: BUT ITS THE COOLEST THING ITS THE LIGHTSABER REY USED IT WAS A SKYWALKERS IM eshkjhjhdh;d
harleyquinoa: if you really want to flip an entire fuck
harleyquinoa: ask him to help you rig it into a working lightsaber
Chat - The Adventures of IronDad and SpideySon (Peter + Tony) -
peterparkour: MR STARK CAN WE USE THE PROP TO MAKE A REAL LIGHTSABER
peterparkour: LIKE A REAL REAL ONE
peterparkour: THAT CAN SLICE AND DICE
misterstark: kid why do you think I bought it for you
misterstark: of course we’re gonna make it into a real lightsaber
misterstark: this is me we’re talking about
Chat - Tony’s Top Tier Two Faves (Peter + Harley) -
peterparkour: WE’RE MAKING IT INTO A REAL LIGHTSABER
harleyquinoa: congrats on the world’s most expensive pizza cutter
harleyquinoa: NOW will you use the credit card to buy pizza
peterparkour: yeah ok
peterparkour: can I still use your employee discount
harleyquinoa: oh my god
Chat - Rose Hell - (Harley + Ariel)
thetempestmermaid: spiderman wore a darth vader mask today
harleyquinoa: ...huh
thetempestmermaid: is this his supervillain origin story
harleyquinoa: god i hope so
thetempestmermaid: can’t wait for iron man to kick his butt
thetempestmermaid: seriously why’d he wear a darth vader mask
harleyquinoa: didn’t you hear
harleyquinoa: he’s been cast as the new vader in episode IX
thetempestmermaid: he’s too short
harleyquinoa: what how can you tell
thetempestmermaid: girl power? spatial awareness?
thetempestmermaid: his wiki?
thetempestmermaid: also didn’t that dude die in like the 3rd one
harleyquinoa: I thought it was the 6th
thetempestmermaid: aren’t they the same thing for those movies or something
harleyquinoa: idk
harleyquinoa: I had to have the wiki up when I was talking to peter about it earlier, funny enough
thetempestmermaid: peter likes star wars too?
harleyquinoa: he lOVES those movies
harleyquinoa: I haven’t unlocked that level of nerd
thetempestmermaid: yes you have
harleyquinoa: okay but I haven’t seen those movies in forever
thetempestmermaid: right?
thetempestmermaid: star trek is RIGHT THERE
harleyquinoa: ^^^^
thetempestmermaid: someone took an instagram video with him hold on
thetempestmermaid: [link]
thetempestmermaid: called himself the Masked Jedi
thetempestmermaid: giving darth vader a ‘rebranding’
thetempestmermaid: whatever that means
harleyquinoa: huh
thetempestmermaid: pretty nerdy huh
harleyquinoa: ….yeah, pretty nerdy
thetempestmermaid: can you bring home pizza after work
harleyquinoa: fine no pineapple
thetempestmermaid: yes and LOTSA pineapple
harleyquinoa: half pineapple
harleyquinoa: and I get the last mountain dew in the fridge
thetempestmermaid: too late
thetempestmermaid: :D
harleyquinoa: so no pineapple
thetempestmermaid: D:
thetempestmermaid: but it’s my birthday….
harleyquinoa: in 3 days
thetempestmermaid: early birthday present
harleyquinoa: you want pineapple for your birthday?
thetempestmermaid: sure
thetempestmermaid: its not like you were gonna get me anything else
thetempestmermaid: right?
thetempestmermaid: wait did you get me a present
thetempestmermaid: wait no harley did you buy me a present
harleyquinoa: can you stop texting me I’m trying to return your solid gold thor figurine
harleyquinoa: the hammer is swarovski crystal
thetempestmermaid: oh my god shut uppppppp
thetempestmermaid: meat lovers, no pineapple, I keep the mountain dew and I still get my birthday present
harleyquinoa: deal
Notes:
dis still dumb
also where's the fics where tony and peter build a real lightsaber like that should have been a thing by now I feel like I can't be the only person who's thought that up this can't be the first instance of it there's no way
I know it seems plot less, but like I still have a story in mind. like for reals. I've lost a little steam with this one because the chat format is becoming SO prevalent in the fandom and I don't think mine particularly stands out which isn't good because if you do a trope you gotta STAND OUT. in my opinion. I still don't know how I feel about it but I'm here. giving you content? let's see how it goes
Chapter Text
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: [none]
[1 attachment]
Settle a bet for me. Pepper thinks I should take this seriously. I think I should blast it on the news and put it on tabloids everywhere because it’s dumb. Your vote is the tiebreaker
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: are you fucking kidding me
You got a freaky RANSOM NOTE in the MAIL threatening to crash and DESTROY your wedding with literal explosives and you don’t want to take it just a little bit seriously? Listen to Pepper.
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: you’re not forehead of security
You weren’t supposed to get that email. Ignore it. Everything’s fine.
PS: I always listen to Pepper
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: what does that even mean
How do you accidentally email someone
So that means you WILL take extra security measures for your wedding?
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: it means what it means
Happy/Harley. I got things mixed up.
Also, I said I listen to her, not that I follow every single one of her instructions. I’m Iron Man. I’m all the security we need.
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: happy? In association with you? what upside down world is this
Listen, I get that you’re Iron Man and this ransom note looks like it was literally cut from letters in a Cosmopolitan Magazine, but I’m begging you. Please consider bringing in some...I dunno?? Avenger Security at your wedding. Or, like, Spider-Man.
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: it’s a misnomer he’s not really happy
If I tell you I’ll consider it, will you relax?
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: his NAME is happy??
Probably not.
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: yeah
Honestly, kid, there’s nothing to worry about. It’s not like this person is gonna pull it off.
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: you have weird friends
Oh really? Good to know Mister Here’s My Malibu Address Come and Get Me.
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: well, that makes you one of them
You act like that was a big deal.
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: gross. I don’t want to be your friend
It’s literally how we met.
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: too late
Like I said. Not a big deal.
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: you’re the worst
Just for that, I’m telling Spider-Man on you.
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: I’ll wire you 10,000 dollars right now to shut up
Please don’t tell Spider-Man. Or Peter. Literally anyone else. Send a fucking telegram to Steve Rogers for all I care just don’t tell Spidey.
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: Iron Man’s Big Summer Wedding Blow Out!
[1 attachment]
Because Tony’s an ass and I don’t know if he’s fucking with me when he says one of the seven dwarfs is part of his security team, but I thought it might be helpful if a New York based Avenger knew that someone was trying to kill him and Miss Potts.
-
Chat - The Adventures of IronDad and SpideySon - (Tony + Peter)
peterparkour: MR STARK SOMEONE’S THREATENING YOU????
misterstark: goddammit I hate that kid.
misterstark: listen, at this rate, I’m inclined to believe it’s Harley himself.
peterparkour: :(((((
peterparkour: I’m glad he told me, this is serious!
misterstark: I don’t even think this threat is real
misterstark: I mean...have you seen it?
misterstark: it’s like rhodey-grade prank
misterstark: but just so your head won’t EXPLODE, I will work on getting some suits on standby to deal with any threats, got it?
peterparkour: :(((((
misterstark: why are you still frowning
misterstark: look, I just don’t want this to be something YOU need to worry about
misterstark: I want you at the wedding as Peter Parker. Spider-Man can say at home.
peterparkour: I can be….both? I can come as peter and do spider-man stuff
peterparkour: like I can for sure hannah montana this wedding
misterstark: first of all, I want you to know how much I HATE that I understand that reference
misterstark: second of all, there’s no way you can pull it off
peterparkour: I did okay in washington!!!!!!!!
misterstark: yeah, as Spidey.
misterstark: tell me, how many questions did you answer in the competition again?
misterstark: oh yeah you missed it
peterparkour: :(((((
misterstark: ok, I’m sorry, please stop with the frowns they’re somehow...tangible. I can feel them and see them
misterstark: like my own freaky spider sense
peterparkour: a petey sense! :D
misterstark: we’re not calling it that
peterparkour: :(((((
misterstark: oh my god.
misterstark: please stop
misterstark: my petey sense is going haywire
misterstark: I won’t have one of my groomsmen all sad
peterparkour: whoa whoa whoa who a
peterparkour: groomsmen?????
misterstark: yeah
misterstark: you rhodey and happy
misterstark: the groomsmen
peterparkour: you didn’t TELL ME
misterstark: I’m telling you now
peterparkour: SGHFGHLDHGKLHGD
misterstark: are you rejecting me...or?
peterparkour: no I’ll do it I’LL DO IT I WANNA DO IT
peterparkour: THIS IS SO COOL MISTER STARK THANK YOU <3
misterstark: for sure, kid
misterstark: so, you’ll let me take care of the stupid ransom note on my own, right? You’ll stay out of it, yeah?
peterparkour: oh absolutely not.
peterparkour: i cannot be bribed
misterstark: it wasn’t a BRIBE I want you to be a groomsman whether we get blown up or not
peterparkour: so you admit!!!! It’s a possibility!!!!! that we get blown up!!!!
misterstark: I said no such thing
peterparkour: well don’t worry. Spidey’s on it.
misterstark: god fucking dammit
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: Don’t worry!
Hey, I got your email with the freaky ransom-looking note. I’ll talk with Peter to make sure all the suit’s updates are up, he’ll get prints on the ransom note, and I’ll do some research to see if this has been done on anyone else as a prank or an actual threat before. Spidey’s on it!
-
Chat - Han and Luke (Ned + Peter)
peterparkour: fU KC I accidentally sent an email as spiderman from my gmail account to harley
peterparkour: you think he’ll notice?
guyinthechair: nah
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: ???
Spidey sent me an email...from your account? What’s going on.
-
Chat - Han and Luke (Ned + Peter)
peterparkour: HE NOTICED
guyinthechair: yeah of course he did
guyinthechair: I was lying to you
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: Whoops!
Sorry. I used Peter’s computer at Stark’s lab and didn’t log out. Phone’s broken. Don’t swing and text, ahaha
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: [none]
No worries. I’ve heard accidental emailing is pretty common.
-
Chat - Han and Luke (Ned + Peter)
peterparkour: don’t worry, I fixed it.
peterparkour: I think he bought it
peterparkour: well I HOPE he bought it
peterparkour: oh my god what if he didn’t buy it
guyinthechair: I don’t envy your life
guyinthechair: that’s a lie, I do
guyinthechair: if you ever need a spidey double call me
peterparkour: god he’s gotta know something’s up
peterparkour: but maybe not? yeah maybe not
peterparkour: this is fine
peterparkour: ....actually no this is not fine
peterparkour: sgkhkshgkjs this is gonna blow up in my face isn’t it
peterparkour: oh shit, that reminds me
- Chat - The Wedding Brigade -
peterparkour: guys we got a situation
emjay: if it involves you ditching decathlon practice, I’m well aware
peterparkour: sHIT
peterparkour: I am SO SORRY I’VE BEEN SO GOOD I HAVEN’T MISSED IN FOREVER I’M ON MY WAY
peterparkour: wait it’s not thursday
emjay: yeah im just messing with you
emjay: what’s up
peterparkour: we can’t wear matching tom ford suits to the wedding :((((((
emjay: what why the fuck not
peterparkour: because I have to wear matching suits with rhodey and happy
peterparkour: we’re GROOMSMEN
guyinthechair: WHAT THAT’S SO COOL
peterparkour: I KNOW
peterparkour: but also
peterparkour: spidey told me someone’s threatening to blow up mister stark’s wedding :/
harleyquinoa: you really should have led with that
guyinthechair: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN
guyinthechair: LIKE….MANDARIN LEVEL ?
guyinthechair: LIKE BLOW UP A MANSION BAD?
peterparkour: I don’t know!
peterparkour: the note was really poorly...made.
peterparkour: like so so bad
peterparkour: made with cut out magazine letters like a ransom note
peterparkour: like if someone sent me one like that threatening to kill me or whatever I probably wouldn’t believe it
emjay: yeah but you have no self preservation skills
harleyquinoa: well neither does tony.
emjay: true
guyinthechair: what if this all part of their plan
guyinthechair: they don’t want to be taken seriously
thetempestmermaid: then why make the note at all?
thetempestmermaid: why not pop out of the wedding cake with lasers all SURPRISE and kill everyone
guyinthechair: I dunno
guyinthechair: do I look like a supervillain mastermind to you?
thetempestmermaid: yes
harleyquinoa: yes
emjay: yes
peterparkour: well, no
guyinthechair: ¾ majority rules
guyinthechair: good to know I can take over the world for my own selfish desires
guyinthechair: pete, you traitor
peterparkour: well u aren’t!!!! I would know
harleyquinoa: why would you know?
peterparkour: the...spidey webcam?
peterparkour: in his suit
peterparkour: his AI karen records all his fights
peterparkour: so I’ve seen the fights up close
harleyquinoa: ah….ok
thetempestmermaid: webcam
thetempestmermaid: hah. I get it.
emjay: too easy
guyinthechair: still it’s pretty funny
peterparkour: but whatever this is, I think mister stark is inviting spidey to the wedding for security, just in case
peterparkour: so it’s all good
harleyquinoa: if you get that light saber working, I can be the extra security
harleyquinoa: no spidey needed
peterparkour: yeah we’re not doing that
harleyquinoa: it's a GOOD plan.
harleyquinoa: I've used nunchucks before
harleyquinoa: same thing, yeah?
emjay: no
guyinthechair: if you touched it your hand would get SLICED
guyinthechair: like there's CANONICAL PROOF that will happen to you
peterparkour: also, why have you used nunchucks???
thetempestmermaid: wait, WHEN did you use nunchucks??? I've never seen them before
harleyquinoa: don't worry about it.
thetempestmermaid: hmmm
thetempestmermaid: I don't like that
harleyquinoa: look, just think. the blue of the lightsaber will match the arc reactor blue in the color scheme
thetempestmermaid: I thought the colors were carmine and vermin or whatever
harleyquinoa: *vermillion
harleyquinoa: vermin is what we call you, ariel
thetempestmermaid: god you suck
harleyquinoa: anyway those colors are so 25 minutes ago
harleyquinoa: because as of about 24 minutes ago, I found something better
harleyquinoa: we have to scrap the red
peterparkour: wHOA NOW
peterparkour: I thought we were aiming for this whole iron man theme :(
harleyquinoa: oh, we are
harleyquinoa: but I got on a wedding bender on the internet.
harleyquinoa: I mean Deep into google.
emjay: gross.
harleyquinoa: and I found a shop that names their own swatches for fabrics and ribbons and stuff
harleyquinoa: [link] and they have ARC REACTOR BLUE
guyinthechair: SHUT UP
emjay: oh I know that place
emjay: they have a gold that’s straight up called tony stark gold, too.
emjay: it’s fucking hilarious
peterparkour: S?KGHKRHGLHGSLKHGS KDGHS G
peterparkour: oh we are CHANGING the color scheme
peterparkour: gold and blue
thetempestmermaid: there’s even a little glitter! :D
guyinthechair: do we still want little fake arc-reactor lights, or is that overkill
guyinthechair: or is this all meaningless now that the wedding's gonna blow :/
guyinthechair: literally :/
peterparkour: NED
harleyquinoa: I'm still planning this thing.
harleyquinoa: pepper and tony can break up for all I care. someone's getting married on tony's dime.
harleyquinoa: I've invested too much.
harleyquinoa: but we can totally use the arc reactors for sure
harleyquinoa: we put them in the flower arrangement, but simplify our color palettes
harleyquinoa: drop the pinks and fuchsias, add a few more purples and whites
harleyquinoa: orange or yellow for a pop, MAYBE
guyinthechair: are you joanna gaines in disguise who ARE YOU
harleyquinoa: ...I have a lot of free time
harleyquinoa: I’ll help tony fight another terrorist if it means I have something to do
emjay: is wedding planning for the world’s most ridiculous billionaire not enough? you gotta fight his attacker too?
harleyquinoa: honestly?
harleyquinoa: yeah
harleyquinoa: I didn't realize how bored I was until I did this whole bullshitty internship
harleyquinoa: there's like nothing to do here
thetempestmermaid: he’s right
thetempestmermaid: there’s more cows than people here
harleyquinoa: sometimes I think the soybeans are trying to talk to me
guyinthechair: god i wish that were me
peterparkour: im changing my answer, ned. u have villain potential
peterparkour: that comment has some unspeakable witchy evil about it
guyinthechair: >:D
guyinthechair: does this mean I'm an official member of the Every Villain Is Lemons club?
peterparkour: I think you beat out plankton as president
emjay: I don't think he wants to, their lemon logo looks like the fucking hydra emblem
peterparkour: ALGKHGSHGESJFJALKWHFSLIDHFFJV
peterparkour: OH NO IT DOES
peterparkour: I HATE THAT!!!!!
guyinthechair: DUDE
guyinthechair: what if the person who threatened mr stark is from some undead hydra circle
harleyquinoa: see, that's where me and the lightsaber come in
harleyquinoa: I can put on the failed stealth suit and come in looking like knock off glittery darth vader and use the force to defeat evil
harleyquinoa: how hard could it be
emjay: you'd probably die
emjay: but that image is so hilarious, you get my vote.
thetempestmermaid: its always funny to see harley get hurt, so I vote yes too.
guyinthechair: me three
harleyquinoa: look at that.
harleyquinoa: majority rules
harleyquinoa: gimme the glow stick of death
peterparkour: NO!!!!! no one's using a lightsaber at mister stark's wedding!
peterparkour: but harley, send me your specs for the active camouflage material.
peterparkour: I have an idea
Notes:
sorry I didn't update this sooner. I didn't want to. khdkhgdrh
uh, happy early birthday tempestaurora. she's been bullying me to finish this fic even though I'm meh about it. a lot of y'all also seem to like it SO FOR ALL OF YOU DARLINGS...I am going to finish it. It's actually almost done. the last few parts will have more...types of communication. I'm going to mix in things like phone calls and straight comms dialogue, and then there's going to be some actual like, regular prose at the very end. I think you'll still like it. It'll have the same dumbass humor, that's for sure LMFAO
Chapter Text
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: spooderman suits
[6 attachments]
Alright, Pete, I looked over the math, I think it’s pretty sound on the active camouflage, but the problems you’re running into are probably textile synthesizing. I pulled up some alternatives including maybe some nanotech, I’m not sure if it’ll work. Have Tony help you.
VIDEO record the files of your tests and send them please. Like purposefully. Please don’t make me hack into FRIDAY’s security cameras just to see how the suit is coming along. AGAIN.
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: spyder suit c’mon now
[3 attachments]
There. Video. Kinda hard to see though because it WORKS!!!! The active cameo finally works!!! Thanks for all your help! Spider-Man says hi, by the way. Says the suit fits great.
Mister Stark wants to do a few more tests on the active camouflage and also. Maybe put it in archive for more dangerous stealth missions instead of having Spidey out swinging in some black...glittery suit. Which it kind of will look like in the sunlight without the activation. Anyway. He’ll be using the nanotech suit. Which looks even better now that we added the spider legs for better ground fighting.
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: spyderman security
Wouldn’t the stealth suit be a GREAT addition as security at Tony’s wedding? Have you gotten any lead on whether or not that ransom note was like...for real
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: god i WISH
I’m working on that, believe me. Me and Spidey are teaming up to persuade him. I can’t contact like. Other Avengers because. They’re fugitives. I don’t think it’s good PR to hire a fugitive.
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: we need captain america as a bouncer
Security people are never squeaky clean. I bet that Happy guy you talk about has definitely killed a guy. Or at least buried a body for Tony
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: we sure as hell do NOT
I don’t think he has. When you meet him, you’ll understand. Which reminds me, you do have all your tickets for your flights and all set up, correct? If they aren’t first class, let Tony know he’ll take care of it. Or send his jet.
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: happy has killed a man for SURE
Why doesn’t he just send the stupid jet in the first place
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: he has NOT
I just asked him and his response was: “what, am I gonna park it in a corn field?”
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: [none]
Fair enough.
See you in a month.
-
Chat - Rose Hell - (Harley + Ariel)
thetempestmermaid: ive made a decision
harleyquinoa: never a good thing with you
thetempestmermaid: peter’s going to be my boyfriend now
thetempestmermaid: he’s so cute
thetempestmermaid: and he’s already my date to stark’s wedding
thetempestmermaid: so we’re off to a good start and i really think this is gonna work out in my favor
harleyquinoa: this is a Hard No for several reasons
harleyquinoa: that include: he’s too old for you
harleyquinoa: but are not limited to: the fact that he’s literally spiderman
harleyquinoa: like you do know he’s spiderman right?
harleyquinoa: like I don’t have to keep up this charade with you at the very least? right? please
harleyquinoa: please tell me you know he’s spiderman
thetempestmermaid: oh for SURE
thetempestmermaid: why do you think I want him to be my boyfriend
thetempestmermaid: he’s the only kid avenger
thetempestmermaid: i want that on my resume
thetempestmermaid: my stats are gonna go up
harleyquinoa: what stats
thetempestmermaid: idk.
thetempestmermaid: stats.
thetempestmermaid: that’s a nerd term right
harleyquinoa: god.
harleyquinoa: what’s REAL nerdy is me having to go back and forth like I’m talking to separate people when I know it’s a two for one deal.
harleyquinoa: the things I do for super teens and their secret alter egos
thetempestmermaid: be nice
thetempestmermaid: my future boyfriend has a lot on his plate ok
harleyquinoa: ariel you can’t date spiderman/peter
harleyquinoa: spider-peter?
thetempestmermaid: peter-man?
harleyquinoa: you can’t date peter-man
thetempestmermaid: um and why not????
harleyquinoa: see previous messages??? also because I said so???
thetempestmermaid: you’re not the boss of me????
thetempestmermaid: why do you hate LOVE harley
thetempestmermaid: you’re planning a wedding for christ’s sake
harleyquinoa: oh shit that reminds me
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: dress fitting
Please don’t kill me Miss Potts Ma’am but I rescheduled your dress fitting for next Friday at 3pm. You don’t have to wait around the office this Friday, no one’s coming up.
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: dress fitting
That would be fine except that I got an angry call from the original designer I booked saying, and I quote, “You and your southern redneck of an assistant are gonna regret firing me when you walk down the aisle in some trash bag excuse of a gown.”
Harley, the wedding is in about a month. Are you sure about this short notice dress switch? It’s hard to get one made so quickly, you know.
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: dress fitting
[1 attachment]
That’s ridiculous I did NOT have a redneck accent I SPECIFICALLY used southern tidewater to sound as sophisticated as possible.
Anyway, this isn’t a loss. I did my research and trust me: Min-Seo is definitely the route we want to go. I’ve been back and forth with her for months as a secondary designer just in case your choice tanked it. She’s got a brand new dress which I attached, and it’s already made. Bottom line is that Marco hack was. A hack. He doesn’t have your vision. Or knows how to use lace to its full potential.
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: dress fitting
I don’t really recall having a vision.
….But that dress is rather nice.
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: dress fitting
See!? Obviously, a vision has been assigned to you. Trust me, it’s gonna work.
-
Group Chat: Wedding Brigade
emjay: harley the florist called me when they couldn’t get a hold of you
emjay: something about a last minute switch from roses to gardenias? And doubling the amount?
harleyquinoa: oh yeah. they can do the switch? awesome
harleyquinoa: I want this wedding to be so fragrant it’s an ad for a new perfume
peterparkour: sounds like you’ll certainly get your wish
emjay: why the switch
harleyquinoa: technically?
harleyquinoa: olfactory senses and its proximity to the limbic system in the brain
thetempestmermaid: translation
harleyquinoa: flowers smell Gud make Happy Memory
emjay: nerd
emjay: anyway the upcharge was insanely unfair. they must know its stark
emjay: I’m afraid to type it out again on account of looking at the invoice alone gave me a stroke
harleyquinoa: it’s a good thing it isn’t my money.
emjay: i’ll say
emjay: weddings are so expensive remind me to get married in a court
emjay: or vegas or something
guyinthechair: mj if you could have any celebrity impersonator officiate your vegas wedding who would it be
emjay: dolly parton drag queen, next question
peterparkour: skjgjsjkskjgkh
harleyquinoa: the CORRECT choice tbh
harleyquinoa: that or cher
emjay: ^^^
emjay: ned probably wants princess leia in her ridiculous bikini outfit
guyinthechair: how dare you
guyinthechair: the new hope cinnamon bun hair rolls leia is the superior leia
guyinthechair: anyway if any star wars impersonator married me it better be chewie
harleyquinoa: how would you…..understand him
thetempestmermaid: that’s your biggest concern???
thetempestmermaid: not that he wants literal BigFoot to be his ordained minister?
peterparkour: wait hold up
peterparkour: do you think chewie was based off bigfoot
guyinthechair: literally how could he not be
emjay: so ned wants an actual cryptid to officiate his wedding
emjay: glad we’ve settled that
guyinthechair: it would be memorable that’s for sure
peterparkour: do you think there are avenger impersonators in vegas
peterparkour: like do you think some dude dressed as t’challa marries drunk people for a living
emjay: i believe there’s some guy in a giant cat suit marrying people somewhere in vegas, yes
peterparkour: gross
harleyquinoa: blocked
guyinthechair: if you could have any avenger officiate your wedding who would it be
peterparkour: like an actual avenger or an impersonator
guyinthechair: how about you’re getting married to an actual avenger but the officiate is an impersonator.
peterparkour: marry thor, get married by fake black widow
emjay: that was frighteningly fast
guyinthechair: i don’t blame him
harleyquinoa: what about spiderman
peterparkour: what about him??
harleyquinoa: you wouldn’t want to marry spiderman?
peterparkour: i mean,,,,no
peterparkour: we work together, that’s pretty weird
peterparkour: do
peterparkour: would you marry spiderman?
harleyquinoa: no
harleyquinoa: don't tell him but he seems kinda lame
peterparkour: oh
emjay: jdhfkjshdkhsk
thetempestmermaid: I want to marry spiderman
harleyquinoa: yes ariel i know
thetempestmermaid: i want to marry real spiderman and then have fake spiderman officiate the wedding
thetempestmermaid: double spidey
emjay: what if stark got married by his own impersonator
peterparkour: SKDGKDSHGKSHGKSHKDHSGHKLS
guyinthechair: oh my GOD~!!!!!!!!!
harleyquinoa: I can DEFINITELY make that happen
peterparkour: what!! no!!!!!!!
peterparkour: we can’t do that to mister stark!
harleyquinoa: he tricked us into planning the whole wedding
harleyquinoa: we can do whatever we want
peterparkour: this isn’t just mister stark’s wedding, it’s miss potts’ wedding too!!!
harleyquinoa: she’ll love it
harleyquinoa: she’s marrying tony cause she loves him or whatever right
harleyquinoa: think of it like a bogo sale
thetempestmermaid: oh my god harley shut up ajhgksjghk
harleyquinoa: look the wedding is going to be beautiful and perfect with arc reactor blues and tony stark golds and enough freesias to start a celebrity perfume campaign
harleyquinoa: I think we’re allotted one (1) harmless shenanigan
peterparkour: this isn’t harmless
emjay: considering all that’s right and wrong in the world, I’d say it’s pretty harmless
peterparkour: okay WELL when you put it on THAT BIG A SCALE along with CLIMATE CRISIS and FOOD INSECURITY and whatnot
emjay: nice buzzwords
peterparkour: yeah, i guess it’s not that big a deal. but in the wedding circle fucking with the officiate is a huge no-no
peterparkour: right up there next to like. Losing the rings. Or. recreating the hangover movie at the stag party
guyinthechair: you’ve seen the hangover?
peterparkour: ive not
peterparkour: im assuming that’s what it’s about tho right
harleyquinoa: idk
harleyquinoa: what are you guys doing for the stag party anyway
peterparkour: what do you mean
harleyquinoa: well, you’re in the grooms party. So. that means you get to go
peterparkour: I don’t think that it does
peterparkour: there won’t be anything for me to do. I don’t think they’ll be doing anything. Rated PG.
guyinthechair: mister stark still hasn’t upgraded you to PG-13?
peterparkour: no :((((
harleyquinoa: look I’ll bet the new washer dryer I just bought on tony’s dime that he’s made rhodey plan the stag party to include you
thetempestmermaid: is THAT what’s been sitting in the driveway all day?
thetempestmermaid: dude katie said they dropped it off this morning while we were at school
thetempestmermaid: you didn’t buy set up service??
harleyquinoa: oh shit i didn’t?
harleyquinoa: fuck
harleyquinoa: well we can bring it in when I get off work
thetempestmermaid: with what??? we don’t have a trolley. Or a mule.
harleyquinoa: we have a you
harleyquinoa: get swole ariel
thetempestmermaid: peter call spiderman and ask him to move the washer and dryer
thetempestmermaid: i bet he can lift it with one hand
peterparkour: he can
harleyquinoa: oh yeah?
harleyquinoa: so you’ve seen him complete this task
peterparkour: not exactly
peterparkour: but ive seen him save one of those grand pianos from falling while they’re lifting it to some absurd penthouse
emjay: stark’s penthouse?
peterparkour: i can neither confirm nor deny
guyinthechair: so yes
harleyquinoa: well its a good thing a piano isn’t a washer and a dryer
harleyquinoa: it’s gonna work out, we’ll get in the house
harleyquinoa: I’ll book the tony stark impersonator
peterparkour: DON’T
emjay: do
guyinthechair: yes do
guyinthechair: throw in a thor and a steve rogers look alike too
harleyquinoa: right so I’ll book an entire team of avengers look alikes for the Laughs-
peterparkour: DON’T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
harleyquinoa: and peter will go to his little stag party and see things he probably shouldn’t be seeing. Everything works out they way its destined.
peterparkour: jokes aside I REALLY don’t think im going guys
harleyquinoa: peter go ask the colonel i promise ur going
peterparkour: i can’t just ask him that’s like inviting myself
harleyquinoa: oh my god just do it
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: stag party
Hey Colonel Rhodes! I’ve been doing some wedding planning with my friends, trying to work out schedules, and they wanted me to check where you will be taking Mister Stark out for his stag party? If you’re even having one of those? And I’m supposed to ask...if I’m included?
Thanks!
Peter
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: tony sucks
I’m sorry Tony has been keeping you in the dark about everything. There is a stag party, I’m handling it, and in case this wasn’t clear, you’re definitely invited. Whether you emailed me or not kid, you were always invited
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: mister stark doesn’t suck!
That’s so nice of you Colonel, thank you! But you really don’t have to, I’d understand. I’m pretty sure these things include stuff like drinking and gambling and I can’t do...either, so if that’s the case I can totally not go.
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: I’ve known him longer. Trust me. He sucks.
Tony’s been sober for longer than I could have ever hoped, and he doesn’t really gamble, so you don’t have to worry about it. I’m still working out the details but I was instructed to keep it strictly PG, so you’re in the clear. I’ll have a Capri Sun on standby for you.
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: strawberry kiwi, please
I know that was a joke but…I wouldn’t mind Capri Suns.
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: can do
This is already going to be the lamest party ever. I can’t wait.
-
Group Chat: Wedding Brigade
peterparkour: okay harley was right
peterparkour: im going to the stag party
harleyquinoa: of course im right im always right
guyinthechair: :OOOOOOOO
guyinthechair: you get to party with iron man AND war machine
guyinthechair: the stories you’ll have
peterparkour: im not sure that’ll be true
peterparkour: ive been promised PG entertainment and juice boxes SO
emjay: honestly that sounds way more fun than some alcohol fueled nightmare
emjay: hope its rad as hell
harleyquinoa: I have ideas to make it PG 13
harleyquinoa: if you’re not a wuss about the light saber
peterparkour: ENOUGH with the light saber!!!!!!
guyinthechair: are you aware of who you’re talking to? I’ll never shut up.
guyinthechair: do you have it working yet?
peterparkour: almost.
peterparkour: but im afraid of what will happen once I do.
peterparkour: some sort of opening of pandora’s box maybe
emjay: can i borrow it
peterparkour: why do YOU want it
emjay: ...stuff
guyinthechair: every villain is lemons
harleyquinoa: i think mj’s gonna kill a man
emjay: okay I want to make the swoosh noise you happy
guyinthechair: we ALL want to make the swoosh noise
peterparkour: im regretting this a little bit
peterparkour: is this what frankenstein felt about his own creation
harleyquinoa: you’ll never know until you give it life
harleyquinoa: I call first dibs
peterparkour: I hope your flight gets canceled
thetempestmermaid: :(
peterparkour: not you ariel! You’re much better than your brother!
thetempestmermaid: :D
-
Chat - Rose Hell (Harley + Ariel) -
harleyquinoa: stop it.
thetempestmermaid: whatever do you mean
harleyquinoa: ariel.
thetempestmermaid: he WILL be my boyfriend
thetempestmermaid: him or spiderman whichever identity caves FIRST
harleyquinoa: oh my god.
Notes:
1. i should have changed usernames for different chats forever ago. oh well. its probably less confusing this way. I do the big spaces to help you keep track of who is saying what. I know it's not exactly true to electronic format, but the most important part I think is that it's easy for you to read. I hope you agree.
2. sorry this took forever. every time I tried to update it I was struck by lightning. im dead now. hope its worth it.
3. if you read this fic ur legally obligated to go read my other story Excalibur please and thank you.uh. yeah.
Chapter Text
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: Weddings?
I was just wondering if any of your celebrity impersonators were ordained to perform weddings, and if so, would any of them be willing to fly over to New York to do it? The event is a bit high profile, I’d need some NDA’s signed, but I’d pay triple the normal rate on top of paying for first class flights and a hotel room of their choice.
I’m open to a few possibilities, but if you could provide a Tony Stark, that would be fantastic.
Thank you,
Harley Keener
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: We’d be happy to work with you!
Mr. Keener,
I’ve emailed my staff and most of them have agreed to that arrangement! We do have a Tony Stark, but he’s not ordained to marry people. However, if you’re looking for other Avengers, we have a Thor and a Captain America who are ordained and are willing to fly over to New York if you’re interested.
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: Excellent
This might seem excessive, but, would it be possible for me to pay for that Tony Stark impersonator to get ordained so they can fly over and do the wedding?
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: [none]
Yes, Mr. Keener. Our Tony Stark impersonator has agreed to those terms. He’s somewhat in high demand here in Vegas, so he asks if you could send over the details and dates as soon as possible so he can leave his schedule free.
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: Avengers Assemble
[2 attachments]
Great, thank you so much! But one final detail to iron out, pun intended.
Is it possible that I can hire the Thor and Captain America as well?
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: Consider it Assembled
They’ve all agreed. A Black Widow wants in, too, if you’re interested.
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: Hell yeah.
I’m absolutely interested.
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: Wedding Dress
[15 attachments]
Nice choice, kid.
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: I have heart eyes
The pictures are so pretty Miss Potts Ma'am! You look so beautiful. I knew you’d like the vision that was assigned to you!
-
Group Chat - The Wedding Brigade
harleyquinoa: TOWN CRIER HERE
harleyquinoa: TO ANNOUNCE
harleyquinoa: LOOK at her DRESS
harleyquinoa: [link]
guyinthechair: :OOOOO
guyinthechair: it’s so good!
thetempestmermaid: super pretty!!!
emjay: is that guipure lace
harleyquinoa: it is
harleyquinoa: nice eye
guyinthechair: mj how ??? did you ???
emjay: i read a book.
emjay: i always read a book.
peterparkour: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO
harleyquinoa: this dress is at least 22% of my input so think HARD before airing out your grievances
peterparkour: I didn’t want to see it!!!
guyinthechair: peter it’s bad luck if the GROOM sees the bride in her dress before the wedding. Not the groomsman.
peterparkour: no but like
peterparkour: there’s no way I can hide this from mister stark
harleyquinoa: it’s literally so easy to not text someone a picture of a wedding dress why are you the way that you are
emjay: you’ve obviously never been acquainted with peter’s particular brand of luck
guyinthechair: the patented parker luck
guyinthechair: #rip
harleyquinoa: peter the wedding is in literally five days
harleyquinoa: can u please keep it together for LITERALLY…...five days
peterparkour: im gonna sweat absolute buckets the whole time
peterparkour: im about to leave for the stag party RIGHT NOW
peterparkour: but yeah I think I can handle it
emjay: 10 bucks says he chomps it
guyinthechair: 20 says he accidentally uploads the photos to Instagram
emjay: 30 says it’s his fault it’s on E news in the next 24 hours
peterparkour: 40 bucks says I have the worst friends ever
-
Chat Group - Rose Hell
thetempestmermaid: i can’t believe an idiot like peter is spiderman
harleyquinoa: yeah me neither
harleyquinoa: new york is doomed
-
Harley Keener
437 Gardenia Drive
Rose Hill, TN, 37327
Dear Mr. Keener,
Enjoy Tony Stark’s wedding. It’s sure to be a blast.
-
Group Chat - The Peter Parker Groupies - Ned, MJ, Harley
harleyquinoa: how close are we
harleyquinoa: scale of 1-10
emjay: 5.
guyinthechair: don’t let that number discourage you, mj specializes in curating the same level of distance between all of her peers.
guyinthechair: a five is good!
harleyquinoa: ill take it
harleyquinoa: look I need to tell you guys something
harleyquinoa: that I assume you guys know because you have eyes and like. a brain.
harleyquinoa: it’s gotta be the worst kept secret in new york, honestly
guyinthechair: oh no
emjay: let him speak
harleyquinoa: I know peter’s spiderman
guyinthechair: ???? no he’s not
emjay: ned
harleyquinoa: ned
guyinthechair: he’s not!!!! why would you think that???
emjay: ned
harleyquinoa: ned
guyinthechair: he’s NOT
emjay: he is
guyinthechair: MJ!!!
harleyquinoa: u don't have to agree with me but like. i know im right.
harleyquinoa: I just wanted to double check if you knew what I knew
emjay: yeah we know
guyinthechair: MJ!!!!!!!!!!
harleyquinoa: time to confront the spider
harleyquinoa: for reasons
guytheinchair: please don’t give pete a heart attack
emjay: or do.
emjay: I’ve been pretty bored
harleyquinoa: he left for the stag party, right?
emjay: yeah?
harleyquinoa: perfect
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: security measures
Hey Pete, I was looking at the automatic settings on the new stealth suit, and I’m not sure they’re strong enough. I think we should eliminate some of the automation to just safety overrides and consider fine tuning the manual ones. Maybe lower voice recognition options since it is. A stealth suit. Or make the mask soundproof. Did we make the mask soundproof?
Anyway. I’m concerned.
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: security measures?
Yeah, we can do all that. Is there any reason why you’re concerned?
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: threats are fun!
I sort of, kind of, got a handwritten and vaguely threatening note in the mail. And now that my job is all things Spider-related security (and weddings) it’s basically been on my mind. Spider-Man might need it sooner than we think.
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: they are NOT fun
What!? Did you tell Mister Stark?! Does this have something to do with the wedding!?
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: fun for me, less fun for spiderman
It has everything to do with the wedding. I’m starting to think there might be an incident. But I have a plan, Peter. And my wedding must go on.
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: NO FUN FOR ANYONE
Harley I really don’t think keeping the integrity of the wedding is top priority.
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: we’ll see about that
It’s right below keeping people alive, so still extremely important. But really, I think we can do this. We just need to work with Spider-man. Which will be easy considering he’ll be at the wedding.
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: [none]
What makes you think spidey will be at the wedding?
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: duh
I’m talking to him. Check the email account, doofus.
And don't try and tell me spiderman 'forgot to log out' or something. I know you're on your phone, at the stag party.
By the way, how is that? did you get your juice box?
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: Daily Bugle Reports: Spider-Man Launches Himself Off Empire State Building Sans Webs
This is the worst day of my life
Even with my juice box.
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: Daily Bugle Reports Nothing Because Harley Can Keep His Mouth Shut.
Give it a few days. This wedding could go south pretty fast. But like I said, I really do have a plan. We can take this hack down.
I’m gonna need those plane tickets, ASAP.
-
Chat - The Adventures of Iron Man and Spidey-Son (Peter + Tony)
peterparkour: okay fine
peterparkour: [link]
peterparkour: but shhh don’t tell mister stark
peterparkour: wait
misterstark: oh, nice dress, kid. Pep looks great
peterparkour: FUCK
peterparkour: YOU'RE NOT RHODEY
misterstark: ooh. Naughty word.
peterparkour: NO DONT
peterparkour: DONT LOOK ITS BAD LUCK
misterstark: kid. It’s fine
misterstark: what’s the worst that could happen
peterparkour: oh my god please don’t say that
-
Group Chat - The Wedding Brigade
peterparkour: I tanked it.
peterparkour: i accidentally sent the pic to mister stark :(
guyinthechair: peeeeeeeeeeter
emjay: hell yeah
emjay: i’ll accept cash or venmo
peterparkour: I WAS STRESSED
peterparkour: HARLEY STRESSED ME OUT
peterparkour: I was just trying to send it to rhodey :(
harleyquinoa: goddammit spidey
peterparkour: well since EVERYONE IS ON THE SAME PAGE NOW/
peterparkour: how did you figure it out anyway?
harleyquinoa: besides the FIRST time you accidentally emailed me via spiderman’s email?
harleyquinoa: there’s the wiki that MAGICALLY appeared after I mentioned there should be one
harleyquinoa: with MY birthday on it
peterparkour: NED I TOLD YOU
guyinthechair: skhgkhksehgksh
guyinthechair: YOU’RE THE ONE THAT EMAILED HIM FROM SPIDERMANS ACCOUNT
harleyquinoa: then there was the darth vader joke that someone got you saying on their instagram video that went viral
peterparkour: wait that gave me away?? how did I fudge that one???
harleyquinoa: you verbatim quoted our conversation
peterparkour: ??? I could have told spider-man about it. You don’t know!!!
thetempestmermaid: peter.
peterparkour: sgkhkjhgks
peterparkour: this really is the most terrible and embarrassing of days
peterparkour: wait how long has ARIEL known
harleyquinoa: as long as I have, im sure
peterparkour: which is HOW long????
thetempestmermaid: months
thetempestmermaid: and I live in the middle of nowhere.
thetempestmermaid: you have to like. actively be trying to let your identity leak for someone in the middle of nowhere to figure it out.
thetempestmermaid: seriously how does all of new york not know it’s you??
emjay: i'm inclined to believe they do, they just find out it’s someone as nerdy and smiley as peter and they dont have the heart to sell him out
guyinthechair: yeah it would be like kicking a puppy, not squishing a...well, squishing a spider
peterparkour: guys :(((((((((
emjay: sorry bud
guyinthechair: it’s just the truth
thetempestmermaid: wait does this mean peter is my date to the wedding, or spider-man?
harleyquinoa: jesus christ it never ends
Chapter Text
KAREN’S AUDIO LOGS
- 7. 2018
PETER: Okay, testing one, two, three -
[screeching]
HARLEY: Ow, ow, ow!
MICHELLE: Turn it down, nerd.
PETER: Sorry, sorry! [garbled noise]...Better? Everyone chime in if they can hear me.
HARLEY: Roger
MICHELLE: Loud and clear, Parker.
NED: Gotcha, man!
ARIEL: I hear you!
PETER: Perfect, gang is all all here.
HARLEY: How's the fit, bro?
PETER: The suit? Itchy, if I'm being honest.
HARLEY: Cloaking works, so that's nice.
PETER: What's it look like?
HARLEY: Nothing. As intended.
PETER: Uh-huh.
HARLEY: But sometimes it shimmers like fleeting light in a sunset.
MICHELLE: Poetic.
PETER: We can fix it later. For now, it looks like [muffled noises] yeah, all of you are in position - [sigh] Harley. The snackbar is not your position.
HARLEY: Relax, reception doesn’t start for another ten minutes. And I didn’t make sure there were red velvet cupcakes to not eat half of them.
NED: Red velvet? Those are blue. Like, arc reactor blue.
HARLEY: Okay, sure, technically I guess they’re blue velvet. But it’s still got the cocoa powder, all the other ingredients, you have it. It’s - [muffled noises] so good.
PETER: Ugh. Don’t talk with your mouth full. My super eyes can see it across the room.
NED: Cream cheese icing?
HARLEY: I mean, yeah. A staple of red velvet.
MICHELLE: Blue velvet.
PETER: Guys, we’re straying off topic here.
NED: I don’t think red velvet has to have cream cheese icing. Like, it's not it's defining feature.
HARLEY: What else would you put on it?
NED: I dunno. Chocolate? Dark chocolate?
HARLEY: It’s not red velvet if there isn’t cream -
MICHELLE: My mom puts chocolate sour cream icing.
NED: Wait, what?
HARLEY: Huh. I’d like to see that.
MICHELLE: I’ll give you the recipe.
PETER: Guys! Please!
HARLEY: Geez. Who sprayed bug spray in your coffee this morning?
NED: [loud laughter] HAH!
HARLEY: Look, I’m living out my spy fantasy, okay? Let me have my ten minutes.
MICHELLE: Can be arranged. Anyone for a game of Slappers?
PETER: [snort] Sure. I call Oddjob.
MICHELLE: That’s a given. You’re pretty short.
PETER: [whine] Hey….
NED: I’m lost.
HARLEY: Same.
PETER: Golden Eye?
MICHELLE: Nintendo 64?
PETER: Multiplayer mode?
ARIEL: Even I know what they’re talking about, guys.
HARLEY: Ariel, you know damn well my spy dreams are exclusively tied to your desktop version of Barbie: Secret Agent.
NED: [gasping] Oh my god, you played that, too!?
HARLEY: [gasping] Of course! Where do you think I got the idea for active camouflage?
PETER: Wait, what?
MICHELLE: You’re kidding.
PETER: You got a Spider-Man design from a Barbie game?
HARLEY: Kinda. Now that I think about it, there’s definitely a lot of sort of - uh - glitter involved in both.
NED: The holographic design when she wore the final product at the end -
HARLEY: - Inspired. Spider-Man could only hope to achieve such style. The sneak suit was pretty cool. I always wore the purple on purple one.
NED: Right? Barbie invented the monochrome moment.
MICHELLE: What’s happening.
NED: Do you know that Peter has a little Spider drone? Just like Barbie’s robot dog?
HARLEY: Spy Puppy!
MICHELLE: Is that seriously the name?
PETER: Mine’s called DRON-E, but -
NED: I know! It’s like, the same thing.
PETER: I can’t believe this.
HARLEY: Hey, it’s the twenty-first century, Peter. Boys and girls alike can play as Barbie in her quest to create an invisibility cloak and save New York Fashion Week. Or whatever it was.
PETER: No. That’s not what I- [sigh]
NED: Trust me, Harley, if Peter wasn’t already on that train I’m sure MJ would have beat it into him at this point.
MICHELLE: True.
NED: Besides, other than the R2-D2 plush Ben sewed for him as a kid, Peter’s favorite toy as a kid was an American Girl doll.
PETER: Also true.
ARIEL: Really?
PETER: Yeah.
MICHELLE: Which one?
ARIEL: Oh, he’s a total Samantha.
PETER: How’d you know?
ARIEL: Orphan solidarity.
HARLEY: Ariel!
ARIEL: What?
PETER: She’s not wrong.
HARLEY: [muffled] I always liked Kit myself -
PETER: I am, once again, asking- no begging- for you to not talk with your mouth full.
HARLEY: [garbled] What are you gonna do - [pause] Hey! You webbed my cupcake!
PETER: You can get another later. Get in position.
HARLEY: You are so lucky Vogue took their pictures of the reception hall. Or I’d kill you. There’s icing on my flowers!
PETER: I’d like to see you try.
HARLEY: I’m gonna put bug spray in your coffee for real.
MICHELLE: People are starting to file in for real. Which means Tony and Pepper shouldn’t be too far behind.
NED: Oh! There he is!
PETER: What? Where?
HARLEY: Aha! You’ve fallen for Decoy Tony.
MICHELLE: I still can’t believe you got fake Tony to marry them at the wedding.
NED: I can’t believe Pepper thought it was funny.
PETER: Jury’s still out on that one. She’s really good at being on her best behavior in public.
HARLEY: You made sure Tony knew it was my idea, right?
PETER: Oh, absolutely. I’m not taking the fall for this.
HARLEY: Excellent.
ARIEL: Uh. Guys?
PETER: What? What’s wrong?
ARIEL: I - uh -
PETER: What?
ARIEL: Sorry. Cloaking is blipping a bit. I can see you.
PETER: Shit.
ARIEL: I’m looking at you up on the rafters. Kind of creeping me out.
PETER: [sigh] Was that it?
ARIEL: No. I see Captain America.
HARLEY: Aha! You’ve fallen for Decoy Steve Rogers
PETER: Uh. Yeah, that’s not Decoy Steve Rogers.
HARLEY: No, it is. He’s just really good. Chilling by the bar.
PETER: You're right, that is Decoy Steve Rogers. But the real Steve Rogers is by the cupcakes.
NED: Wait what?
MICHELLE: Does that mean I’m not hallucinating the two Black Widows in the room as well?
PETER: Nope.
HARLEY: Wait. Peter, what did you do?
PETER: [stuttering] Well. I kind of. Called for backup?.
MICHELLE: Seriously?
HARLEY: Not part of the plan, webhead!
PETER: I think it called for it!
NED: How did you find them? They’re fugitives!
PETER: Mister Stark has a special fugitive phone! Steve gave it to him.
HARLEY: So. a rotary phone.
PETER: It’s a Nokia brick, but. Your sentiment is correct.
MICHELLE: Falcon’s by the water feature in the indoor garden
HARLEY: [groan] I still can’t believe they draped with English ivy. I specifically asked for asparagus fern.
MICHELLE: No one’s looking at the plants, not with him standing there. Peter. Just a small question. How old is this guy -
PETER: Too old for you to flirt with. Next question.
MICHELLE: Where’s the Winter Soldier?
PETER: He better be at a hotel room across the city. What I’m doing is bad enough, but inviting the person who killed Tony’s parents to his wedding seemed a little much.
NED: Wait, what?
MICHELLE: No way.
HARLEY: Shit.
PETER: Oh. Right. That knowledge isn’t exactly [pause] public domain. Don’t repeat that.
MICHELLE: Being friends with you is sure coming with a lot of secrets. Might cost you.
PETER: I'm not giving Sam Wilson your number, MJ.
MICHELLE: Strictly business purposes. He can fly. I want to fly.
PETER: I. Basically do the same thing. I can take you for a swing.
NED: Dude.
HARLEY: Ugh.
PETER: I didn’t mean it to sound so.
MICHELLE: Sexual?
PETER: Yeah.
MICHELLE: Shame.
PETER: [strangled gasp]
HARLEY: You guys can flirt later. We’ve got a target to scope.
NED: Now that I know the ExVengers are here -
ARIEL: -Nice-
NED: I feel like I’ve only been let on to half the plan. Am I still supposed to do what I’m supposed to do? Or did Peter not plan for them to show up. Is this plan changed?
PETER: Okay, I didn’t think they’d actually show up -
NED: - Knew it! -
PETER: But it’s still the same. Just go ahead with what we talked about.
HARLEY: Actually. I might need to take. A detour.
PETER: A detour.
HARLEY: Bathroom break?
ARIEL: A bathroom break, really?
HARLEY: Yep. In fact!
[CHANGE TO COMMS - HARLEY KEENER DISCONNECTED]
PETER: That little shit. He disconnected!
NED: You think he's lying? I think he's lying.
MICHELLE: Either way, it can't be any good.
ARIEL: I’ve known him my whole life. It definitely isn’t.
PETER: Shit, anyone got eyes on Keener?
NED: Dude you're the one with the stealth suit. Be a better Spyder-man.
PETER: [sigh] Okay. I'll just. I’m…muting communications. Say unmute to reconnect with me, but only if you see something.
[COMMS ARE MUTED]
[COMMS ARE UNMUTED]
NED: Peter!
PETER: What!? What’s wrong!?
NED: Someone brought their Corgi puppy to the reception! By the -
[COMMS ARE MUTED]
[COMMS ARE UNMUTED]
MICHELLE: What about if I got Black Widow’s number for training and murder purposes.
PETER: Karen, mute.
[COMMS ARE MUTED]
[COMMS ARE UNMUTED]
ARIEL: Peter -
PETER: [sigh] What.
ARIEL. [shaky, whispered] There’s someone over by the cotton candy machine.
NED: There's a cotton candy machine? How'd I miss that -
ARIEL: He has a gun. It’s concealed but. You know.
PETER: [garbled] Okay, I see them. Thanks, Ariel. I’m gonna take care of it. ‘Kay?
NED: Are you gonna cause a scene?
PETER: [whispered] No. That would be a bad thing. He has a gun.
MICHELLE: He looks familiar.
PETER: He’s got some sort of beef with Mister Stark, so I’m assuming he’s shared some magazine cover with him at one point or another.
NED: He doesn’t look like he’s about to use the gun.
PETER: Okay, but, who brings a gun to a wedding if they do not intend to use it?
ARIEL: Uh. Well. Down south -
PETER: Excluding southerners, [sigh] , who brings a gun to a celebrity wedding in New York City?
MICHELLE: Marco DiCaprio
NED: [gasp]
MICHELLE: No relation to Leo
NED: Damn. That's no fun.
PETER: Marco DiCaprio? That's him?
MICHELLE: Pretty sure.
PETER: Isn’t that - isn’t that the dude -
ARIEL: That’s the dude Harley fired! The wedding dress designer!
PETER: What the - all this because Harley changed wedding designers?
ARIEL: Everything is always Harley’s fault, that’s what I’ve been saying for years.
NED: Peter-
PETER: I know, I know. Look. New plan, I guess. Since I have real muscle as backup.
NED: Hey now.
PETER: MJ's arms are chopsticks.
MICHELLE: This is fair. You could use them as kindling.
PETER: Look. Natasha’s got eyes on Tony, Falcon’s got eyes on Pepper. Steve and I will take care of this Marco guy but for now, MJ I need you to put eyes on the fake Steve. Just get him out of harms way and make sure he doesn't get attacked by a real gun.
MICHELLE: Yikes.
PETER: Ned, you’re on fake Thor -
NED: Oh, if only -
PETER: Ariel. You’re eleven and there’s a real gun in this room so just. Hide and don’t get shot.
ARIEL: Man, seriously, I'm probably the only one here that's even seen a gun up close-
[CHANGE TO COMMS - HARLEY KEENER CONNECTED]
HARLEY: Can you guys hear me? This the right frequency?
NED: Dude!
PETER: Where have you been? It’s about to go to shit and you just ran off to - where the hell are you? I don’t have eyes on you!
HARLEY: Heh.
PETER: [pause] No.
HARLEY: Yes.
PETER: Harley, no.
HARLEY: Harley, yes!
NED: I don’t get it, what’s happening?
MICHELLE: I’m assuming the idiot has broken into Tony’s lab and gotten the lightsaber.
NED: What!?
PETER: It isn't ready! Harley, what were you thinking? Do you even know how to use something like that? - [muffled] yeah, that’s the right one.
NED: Right what?
HARLEY: I wouldn't underestimate me on that
[Loud noise]
NED: No way!
HARLEY: See? I can twirl it and everything.
MICHELLE: Oh, that’s not fair. I wanted to make the first whoosh noise.
[CHANGES TO COMMS - STEVE ROGERS CONNECTED]
STEVE: Guys? Can you hear me?
NED: Barely. Christ, is the band playing a Led Zeppelin cover? Like, what is that?
ARIEL: AC/DC
NED: Potato, Potato.
MICHELLE: Harley, I don’t think unveiling the lightsaber at this moment was the smartest idea.
NED: Wait, who was that voice?
MICHELLE: Mine.
NED: No, before that.
MICHELLE: You’re the worst spy. Barbie is ashamed.
STEVE: Spidey -
NED: [scream] Captain America!?
PETER: Ned! Ssh!
MICHELLE: Oh, please. Harley’s already got people nearly shouting with his lightsaber show.
PETER: Yeah, but my ears!
STEVE: Lightsaber? Like from Star Trek?
NED: Yeah, I don’t have time to unpack that Mister Captain Steve Rogers, sir.
HARLEY: They’re just captivated. They think I’m just a performer. How disappointing. I'm trying to help.
MICHELLE: Can you blame them? You look like a freshman auditioning for the color-guard with that thing.
[CHANGES TO COMMS - NATASHA ROMONOV CONNECTED]
HARLEY: It's a real lightsaber, and I'm a real Jedi now. It's Very bright, and I am very threatening.
NATASHA: Absolutely not. You look as terrifying as a marshmallow.
MICHELLE: Wow. Roasted by Black Widow in less than three seconds.
HARLEY: I can’t tell if it’s my greatest shame, or my most beloved achievement
NATASHA: Kid, you gotta stop swinging that thing around -
[Distant gunfire]
NATASHA: Everyone, down! Spidey, Steve!
STEVE: Kid, you go left!
PETER: Got it!
[CHANGES TO COMMS - TONY STARK CONNECTED]
TONY: Kids, what the hell is going on!
HARLEY: We told you to take those wedding threats seriously!
TONY: How is hiring numerous Captain America impersonators anything remotely serious?
HARLEY: Well. To be fair. I only hired one.
[Repulsors heard]
TONY: That’s - Steve’s really here!? At my wedding?
STEVE: Uh.
NATASHA: Hey, Tony. Congrats. Sweet ceremony. Pepper looked great. Who designed that dress?
HARLEY: Min-seo, she’s this upcoming -
TONY: Kid. So not the time.
[COMMS TEMPORARILY COMPROMISED]
[COMMS RESUMED]
NED: Why is the band still playing?
PETER: Dunno. But [heavy breathing] I’ve always wanted to fight crime to a soundtrack.
[COMMS TEMPORARILY COMPROMISED]
[COMMS RESUMED]
HARLEY: Oh wow. This thing really slices. I hope that table wasn’t expensive.
[COMMS TEMPORARILY COMPROMISED]
[COMMS RESUMED]
PETER: Shit. There’s a lot of people with guns. How’d they get in?
STEVE: No time for that. Just [garbled] keep taking them down. Sam’s leading people out.
PETER: I’m on it, I’m on it. Ned, MJ, you better take Ariel -
NED: We’re safe. We got her.
PETER: Thanks.
[COMMS TEMPORARILY COMPROMISED]
[COMMS RESUMED]
NED: Please tell me someone saw MJ kick that one guys ass
PETER: How is fighting staying safe!?
ARIEL: He was in our way.
MICHELLE: Heh. Got to play Slappers after all.
PETER: Oh my God.
[COMMS TEMPORARILY COMPROMISED]
[COMMS RESUMED]
PETER: The band is STILL playing
TONY: God, I forgot how much you talk in a fight.
MICHELLE: Wish they’d play the song they played when the Titanic sank.
NED: Wish they’d play the Cantina band from Star Wars
STEVE: Oh, it’s Star Wars, not Star Trek. Sorry. I always get those mixed up.
NATASHA: Sweet Lord.
[COMMS TEMPORARILY COMPROMISED]
[COMMS RESUMED]
PETER: Shit! I’m out of webs.
TONY: How are you possibly put of webs? You've always had enough to pull a ferry together!
PETER: I honestly didn't think I'd be doing this today, okay! Harley, throw me the lightsaber!
HARLEY: Aww, but I was just starting to get the hang of it.
PETER: And I’ve almost got this guy and all his hired minions! Give me the damn lightsaber!
HARLEY: But!
STEVE: Kid!
TONY: Harley!
HARLEY: Fine!
PETER: Don’t - [loud yelp] Not when it’s still on!
HARLEY: Whoops. Sorry.
[COMMS TEMPORARILY COMPROMISED]
[COMMS RESUMED]
TONY: Does anyone have eyes on Steve?
PETER: Maybe. Yes? I don't know which is the real one.
TONY: Kid, you have got to fix that cloaking. FRIDAY says it's working at 45% capacity.
PETER: I'm a little busy right now to be fixing stuff!
TONY: Just turn it off, this mission isn't exactly stealth anymore.
PETER: It's your wedding, technically. But. Fine.
NATASHA: Are you sparkling?
PETER: Maybe. [pause] Oh, I see Steve! He's by the bar.
NATASHA: No, real Steve was just thrown into the fountain. Fake Steve just cowered by Fake Thor by the bar.
PETER: Oh. I wish Real Thor was here.
NATASHA: Me too.
TONY: I hate this. I’m suing Vegas.
PETER: You can’t sue Vegas, Mister Stark
[COMMS TEMPORARILY COMPROMISED]
[COMMS RESUMED]
HARLEY: Goddammit!
PETER: What! Are you hurt?
HARLEY: No, you just Jedi’d the wedding cake.
NED: Aw, man. That looked good.
PETER: I hate you guys.
[COMMS TEMPORARILY COMPROMISED]
[COMMS RESUMED]
NED: He's really good with that saber.
MICHELLE: Peter looks like Broadway's shimmery Darth Vader
HARLEY: Darth Spyder.
NED: If we survive this, do you think we can convince Mister Stark to fund a Star Wars Broadway show?
TONY: Hey. Tweedledee, Tweedledum and Tweedledumber. Zip it. Some of us are trying to deescalate.
NED: Wait, which one us is Tweedledumber -
[COMMS TEMPORARILY COMPROMISED]
[COMMS RESUMED]
PETER: Okay. He’s. He’s down. I think it’s [labored breathing] I think it’s over.
TONY: I've got eyes on Pepper, she and I are good. Steve?
STEVE: Spidey’s right. Situation is handled.
NATASHA: I’m with Sam, we’re doing an injury check but we’re gonna have to dip before the paramedics come.
TONY: [pause] Understood.
STEVE: Tony -
TONY: Save it. Not today.
HARLEY: Uh. Peter? I’m a ways away but you don’t look too good.
PETER: Well, I’ve got a burn from where someone threw a lightsaber at me.
HARLEY: My bad. Did you want the whole hand off?
PETER: I also got shot.
NED: Peter!
TONY: Kid!
PETER: Eh, just a graze. This suit wasn't all the way finished with the whole. [pause] Bulletproofing. But! It’s already healing. However, something is [grunt] off. Sensory wise.
HARLEY: Yeah. [snort] The note said ‘Have a blast’. I honestly expected a bomb.
ARIEL: Maybe it’s hidden in one of the fake arc reactor centerpieces.
TONY: Don’t even joke, kid.
HARLEY: I mean. It's a good idea, she's not wrong. Which is why we did a preliminary sweep before the ceremony started, and again before reception opened up. Checked all the little centerpieces and everything else. Nothing was planted before people came in, that's for sure.
TONY: Why didn't you guys tell me my wedding was compromised?
HARLEY: You didn't believe us the first time when someone threatened you!
TONY: That's -
NATASHA: Fair?
TONY: Shut up, Nat.
HARLEY: But listen. Even if there was nothing here to begin with, I can't say something hasn't been planted since.
TONY: Peter? How's that spider-sense treating you?
PETER: [whining] I'm all prickly. Something is definitely wrong.
TONY: FRIDAY, do another scan. Now.
FRIDAY: Running scans, boss.
NED: [muffled laughter] What if it’s under the piano.
MICHELLE: What, like in Get Smart?
NED: I mean. Yeah. All things considered in this room, it’s a pretty good place.
FRIDAY: Scan complete. There is, in fact, a bomb in the piano, boss. Detonation is less than thirty seconds.
TONY: Wait, what?
PETER: Everyone get down! I got this!
STEVE: No, Kid -!
[COMMS TEMPORARILY COMPROMISED]
[COMMS RESUMED]
MICHELLE: Did Peter just -
NED: Throw a grand piano out the window? Yeah.
ARIEL: He did say Spider-Man could catch one. Guess that means he can throw one, too.
HARLEY: Pete? You okay?
TONY: Answer him, kid.
PETER: Yeah, I’m fine [gasping] That was just a lot.
TONY: I’ll say.
PETER: Did I really ruin all that cake?
TONY: You did.
PETER: Damn. I’m starved. The party’s cancelled but we can still eat, right?
NED: What do you want us to do? Scrape the red velvet -
MICHELLE: Blue velvet.
NED: Blue velvet cake off the floor?
PETER: [labored breathing] Harley?
HARLEY: Yes, Darth Spyder?
PETER: You still have that employee discount at Pizza Hut, right?
HARLEY: [cackling]
[COMMS DISCONNECTED]
Notes:
im finishing this if it kills me I don't care how bad it is. suffer with me
Chapter 10
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Chat - Rose Hell - (Harley + Ariel)
thetempestmermaid: look at my new instagram photo
thetempestmermaid: [link]
harleyquinoa: oh, hell
harleyquinoa: take it down
thetempestmermaid: i will not
thetempestmermaid: I gave peter my last slice of pizza for this photo
harleyquinoa: the cost for a kiss on the cheek from spiderman is one slice of pizza?
thetempestmermaid: yeah i know what a steal right
harleyquinoa: at least change the caption
thetempestmermaid: what no it’s so funny
harleyquinoa: #justmarried haha #justkidding but #oneday
thetempestmermaid: that’s gold
harleyquinoa: ariel
thetempestmermaid: all my friends are jealous
thetempestmermaid: also its not like im lying just give me ten years i WILL marry him
harleyquinoa: that’s fair
harleyquinoa: peter will probably be dead from spiderman stupidity before you can reach that milestone
thetempestmermaid: i know you’re like.
thetempestmermaid: not wrong?
thetempestmermaid: but maybe don’t put that energy into the universe
harleyquinoa: that’s also fair
thetempestmermaid: hey will you plan my wedding when we get married
harleyquinoa: sure why not
harleyquinoa: if
harleyquinoa: you tell stark about my college acceptance letter
thetempestmermaid: oh nvm that’s absolutely not worth it
thetempestmermaid: you’re on your own
harleyquiona: damn
To:<[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
-------Forwarded Message-------
To: <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: Congratulations from Empire College of Art and Design!
Dear Harley:
I am pleased to announce you’ve been accepted into our Bachelor’s degree program at Empire College of Art and Design! A top ranking university of creative careers, you will receive a high quality education in art and design. With our experienced faculty, top of the line facilities, and abundant artistic resources, our graduates go on to be some of the most sought out creative professionals in their fields. Welcome aboard!
Attached are links that will help you through your enrollment process. Please let us know if you have any questions!
Nora Brown
Manager of Admissions
Empire College of Art and Design
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <tstark.mit.edu>
Subject: suddenly I can’t read
….you’re ditching MIT for art school?
-
To: <tstark.mit.edu>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: I didn’t think you ever could
Yah. Early admission and everything. Turns out design is really fun. And, that spread in Vogue that I got really sealed the deal for college, I think.
Like my new school email? Already got it set up!
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <tstark.mit.edu>
Subject: [none]
I’ll be disowning you for a week for breaking my heart.
-
To: <tstark.mit.edu>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: Only a week?
I’m trying to get rid of you, don’t be shy. Cut me off.
(emotionally. I still need money for school).
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <tstark.mit.edu>
Subject: Congrats. Really.
Unfortunately, despite it all, I’m still proud of you. You’ll be the best in whatever you choose to do. So you’re kinda stuck with me.
Let me know what you want for a graduation present. Laptop? Car?
-
To: <tstark.mit.edu>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: ew don’t get mushy
You’ve literally already given me those. I still have 4 unused laptops.
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <tstark.mit.edu>
Subject: fuck you
I can give you more? I have this thing called: a lot of money.
PS: you’re in charge of telling Peter and Ned you won’t go to MIT with them.
-
To: <tstark.mit.edu>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: that’s better
Can my graduation present be you telling them?
-
To: <[email protected]>
From: <tstark.mit.edu>
Subject: no
-
To: <tstark.mit.edu>
From: <[email protected]>
Subject: awww
-
Group Chat - The Wedding Brigade (Patent Pending)
harleyquinoa: so turns out I’m not going to MIT
peterparkour: what/??
guyinthechair: WHAT
harleyquinoa: but unfortunately
harleyquinoa: I will be in nyc for school in the fall
emjay: horrible choice really
harleyquinoa: I know, I don’t know what I’m thinking :(
guyinthechair: I honestly don’t understand how you didn’t get in
guyinthechair: mr stark wrote all our college recs???
harleyquinoa: oh i got in
harleyquinoa: im just not going
emjay: right on
emjay: im not going either
thetempestmermaid: but are you going to ART school, MJ?
emjay: oh
emjay: no
emjay: but
emjay: that sounds dope
peterparkour: art school???
harleyquinoa: I mean, design school. Might dabble in architecture
harleyquinoa: but basically yes art school.
peterparkour: whoa, that’s really cool harley! nice!
guyinthechair: whoa hwoa hwait wait WAIT
guyinthechair: WAIT.
guyinthechair: PAUSE.
guyinthechair: I get that harley is going to NYC instead
guyinthechair: but mj, where are YOU going I thought you wanted to go to MIT too
emjay: I'm going to columbia
thetempestmermaid: that’s so cool, mj!!!
emjay: thanks little mermaid
guyinthechair: So peter and I are the only ones going to MIT?
peterparkour: Uh.
peterparkour: about that.
guyinthechair: PETER.
guyinthechair: YOU TURNED DOWN MIT?
guyinthechair: i'm gonna have a stroke
guyinthechair: I'm in the process of a stroke
peterparkour: it's not that I turned it down but rather, uh
peterparkour: I sorta?
peterparkour: didn’t get in?
guyinthechair: HOW
guyinthechair: ????
guyinthechair: YOU KNOW IRON MAN????
peterparkour: yeaaaah that doesn’t really matter.
peterparkour: 1600 SAT score means shit for MIT when your transcript says you had to take Spanish 3 over again because you failed it due to the 58 days of school you skipped junior year
emjay: wow
emjay: only 58?
peterparkour: wish I had known they added attendance to transcripts for admissions when the number of absences are “egregious”
harleyquinoa: incredible
thetempestmermaid: im sorry, peter :(
peterparkour: aww, it’s okay, Ariel! I’m gonna be working for Mister Stark while I take some classes over at Queens College!
peterparkour: besides, MIT already gave Spider-Man an honorary doctorate
peterparkour: so its like I already went
emjay: no it’s not
emjay: god, how old do they think spidey is
peterparkour: old enough!
guyinthechair: this is the worst day of my life
peterparkour: aww, ned :(((( don't be like that!!!! it's gonna be ok
peterparkour: I’ll let you hold my doctorate??? If that’ll make you feel better
guyinthechair: I don’t care about that
guyinthechair: I wanted to room with my best friend
peterparkour: ned :(((
guyinthechair: peter :(((((((
peterparkour: neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed :(
guyinthechair: peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeete :(
harleyquinoa: guys, please
guyinthechair: harley you don’t GET IT
guyinthechair: if MJ is going to Columbia
guyinthechair: and you’re going to design school in Manhattan
guyinthechair: and peter’s going to work full time as a SPIDER
guyinthechair: who am I going to room with???
harleyquinoa: you’ll get a random roommate?
harleyquinoa: Or, I can forward you the info on the person who wanted to room with me. Back when I was part of this Facebook group for potential MIT students, people would message each other to see if they could meet people they’d click with instead of just getting someone random.
harleyquinoa: he seemed okay
harleyquinoa: at least... not a total weirdo
guyinthechair: fine. I GUESS I HAVE NO CHOICE
guyinthechair: what was his name?
harleyquinoa: Eugene Thompson
peterparkour: AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
harleyquinoa: what???
emjay: slkjgsdlgksjldkgjlksjdglks
harleyquinoa: im so confused
harleyquinoa: he says he lives in nyc, do you guys know him or something?
peterparkour: or something
emjay: I can’t believe he got in.
peterparkour: Yeah, Ned! Ask Eugene!
guyinthechair: fuck all of you
guyinthechair: i hope you all rot in the city
peterparkour: i can't hear you over my honorary doctorate from MIT
guyinthechair: think ~Eugene~ will hear me if I tell him all about Spider-Man?
peterparkour: ....we'll come to MIT to visit every other weekend.
emjay: uhhh? we?
harleyquinoa: yeah WE?
guyinthechair: :D you guys are too sweet!
guyinthechair: deal
Notes:
i finished it because i said I would LMAO
i think it's funny if peter as smart as he is can't get into mit or ivy league because his grades suck and his attendance is shit because he's busy being SPIDERMAN. hello??? this kid almost dropped out of high school in hoco. this is funny.
ok yeah it's done it's not that great but there was sort of a plot so I guess that counts. i started this fic well over a year ago and I want to apologize for contributing to the chat fic trope. that's all folks.
ps: empire college of art and design isn't a real school, I made it up. sorta a tribute to ESU in the marvel universe. I did model the acceptance letter after my art school acceptance letter though. I didn't go to art school though I couldn't afford it LOL
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