Chapter Text
To say that Ryan refers logic over emotion is a bit of an understatement. Logic is rationality. It is objectivity. It is fact and reality and everything that Ryan knows to be true. He can trust in logic. Logic is dependable.
Emotion, however, is all the unexplained matters out in the universe. It is the outliers in a set of data. It is the part of human nature that Ryan doesn’t care to be bogged down by. If he could remove all that is emotional in him, he could. It makes him unpredictable. He doesn’t like not knowing himself. So when Gavin says one night at dinner that he’s received a request for transfer letter off of the Hunter’s Achievement to the Queen’s Fire, it’s with a spark of irrationality that makes Ryan want to leave in a huff.
Gavin is all a flutter that evening with his news. Michael and Jeremy are happy for him. It’s definitely a step forward for Gavin if he wishes to advances his career. Since passing his Lieutenant’s exam, he’s been putting in the hours to continue his training and research. With his dedication and drive, he could certainly make Commander in the next eight years or so and maybe become Captain by the time he’s in his forties, around the same age as Geoff when he was gifted the Hunter’s Achievement.
But to Ryan, the thought of Gavin leaving, packing up his things and supplanting his life here to begin a new one on the Queen’s Fire. Ryan could see how the situation would play out from there. They would try at the long distance relationships for a bit. Communication is no problem. Video calls and chat forums. But Gavin would settled into his new life there. He’d make friends, learn new things, and slowly he’d send fewer messages. He wouldn’t be able to make as many video calls. And then the inevitable would happen> They’d drift apart, and Gavin would leave them. The other three would carry on for a bit. They’d make it work until Jeremy and Michael came to the agreement that they’d need a change in scenery. They’d move on together and Ryan would retreat to his lab, and it’d be like nothing happened at all. It would be a moment in Ryan’s life that he would look back at fondly, clinically like he would any childhood memory. Nothing more. Nothing less.
He’s bad at making himself miserable. The only reason why he’s made friends with Geoff and Jack is because Geoff is too stubborn to back down from a fight, plus he has enough conversation in him for three people. Ryan is resigned to being a third wheel to their relationship for the rest of his days. He’s not meant for this. For a life of love. It’s a casualty in this line of work when you go where the work is and take transfers when you get them. Married couples and families could claim living quarters together, but it is still hard for those just dating or otherwise. Geoff and Jack are lucky because of their positions on the ship.
On his home planet of Corinthian, he could have found someone suitable to settle down with. Or he could’ve gone to the town matchmaker and be matched with a young lady looking to settle with a dependable bachelor like him. Romance isn’t coded into Ryan’s DNA, but sadness, frustration, and grief are.
“What do you think, Ryan?” Gavin asks, and he’s expecting an answer while Ryan looks down at his half eaten plate. “Should I take the plunge or stick around?” He says it so cheekily like the issue won’t completely destroy Ryan’s life.
Ryan doesn’t know what to think of Gavin’s announcement nor is he wanting to make a scene and be childish about this. He should be happy for Gavin. The Queen’s Fire is a prestigious ship. He would have a good life there
“I think it’s wonderful news,” he says, manages to speak around the lump in his throat. “Excuse me.”
He stands and takes his plate from the table and brings it to the wash station. Behind him, Jeremy and Michael launch into questions about the position, the ship itself, and what he would do if he took the position, and it makes Ryan feel nervous.
He doesn’t want to lose what he has.
He’s in a dour mood in the following days that everyone takes note of it. It makes him feel like he’s going to snap at any moment. And maybe he is. He’s too stuck in his head to reach out and ask for help. As far as he’s come in the past few years, he still has much farther to go in terms of being able to speak of his problems rather than ignoring them.
It’s not hard for the others to catch on to the change in Ryan’s mood. He bristles on contact now, can’t manage eye contact which is usually his tell that he’s not okay and not willing to speak about it.
“You’ve been off since Gavin made his announcement,” Jeremy says. He’s visiting Ryan in his lab on his break during the work day. He makes no motion to stop Ryan as he moves about his work space. “Is something upsetting you?”
An understatement really. It’s a complete disaster in the works and Ryan feels helpless to stop it.
“I’m fine, Jeremy,” he asserts, keeps all emotion out of his tone as he moves back to the microscope and looks at the latest results of his experiment.
“But you’re not though and you know that,” he says. All three of them have the special ability to call Ryan out on his bullshit and make him face facts. But Ryan isn’t letting himself be bothered by it. He can’t.
“Was it Gavin’s transfer?” Jeremy asks. “Are you worried he’s going to leave?”
“That’s not the issue,” Ryan asserts. The exclamation just burst out of him. Great. He’s shown his hand and now Jeremy will continue to prod at him.
“It is the issue. Shit, Ryan, you don’t think that Michael and I aren’t also worried about Gavin leaving? We are. It’ll be a big change. But if this is what Gavin wants, then I’m going to support him.”
“Are you saying I’m not supporting him well?”
Jeremy sighs. “You know that’s not what I’m saying at all.”
Ryan looks up from his work and with almost an accusatory tone he says, “Then what are you saying? I’m happy for Gavin. I am. This is a big step forward for his career. He should take it.”
“Then why are you acting like this?”
“Like what?”
“Like you’re saying one thing but thinking another.”
Ryan looks at Jeremy and there’s so much concern on his face. But Ryan hardened his heart the moment he left dinner the other night. “I’ve got work to do. Excuse me.”
And Jeremy lets him go.
It comes to a head when Gavin comes to him. Ryan’s on the observation deck when it happens. Gavin enters the quiet, serene space that looks out into the inky blackness of the universe. He comes to stand against the railing that Ryan is leaning upon. The silver bars of his Lieutenant position suits him well, Ryan thinks. He’d look good in a Commander’s gold set.
“My, you’re difficult to find,” Gavin says. He says it fondly, but it makes something curdle in Ryan’s gut. “But you’re nothing if not a creature of habit. Jeremy tells me something’s bothering you. And three guesses it’s probably about my offer on the Queen’s Fire.”
“Will you take it?” Ryan asks, keeps his eyes on the glass in front of him. The glass is probably three feet thick here, curved, heated, and tempered to protect those within from being sucked out into the vacuum of space.
“Haven’t decided,” Gavin says. “It’s a good offer, though. I’d be given my own work team, get to do my own research. It’s a two year position though, and I’m not sure if that appeals to me at the moment.”
Two years.
I’ve only known you for two years.
“You should take it,” Ryan says. If they’re just acquaintances talking about work place advancement, it’s a no brainer. Ryan would’ve jumped at that position in another life. “Get further in your career, make some new friends.”
“But is that what’s best for us?” Gavin asks. “For me?”
Ryan says nothing.
“If I’m making this choice, I’m going to consider what’s good for me now and what’s good for all of us,” he says. “I don’t want you to think that I’m just going to leave you. Leave what we have here behind us and choose something else. That’s not who I am.”
“I’m not saying that’s who you are,” Ryan says, tries to put words to what he’s feeling for the first time since the news broke. “I just . . . I feel as if I say ‘no,’ then I’m the bad guy. I’m the one who’s being selfish. And I don’t want you to feel like you have to hold yourself back because of us.”
“I’m not holding myself back.”
“Aren’t you? You could do so many great things on the Queen’s Fire. They have a space for you. You should take it instead of waiting for a position to open up here.” He wants what’s best for Gavin and that means that Ryan isn’t a part of it.
“Why do you think so lowly of yourself?”
“I’m not. This, this has nothing to do ‘bout . . . about me.” He’s tripping over his words now. “This is for you. You should thick—think about what’s b-best for you.” Ryan’s not worth it. He’s not.
“So you’re just ready to just give this all up then,” Gavin says.
Ryan nods even though he doesn’t believe a word he’s saying. This is just logical. This is the obvious choice. “If you put it that way, then yes.” An alarm goes off on his watch. A message from Lindsay saying there’s a matter in the lab he needs to attend to. “Excuse me. I’m needed in the lab.”
“We’re not done with this conversation,” Gavin says as Ryan walks away.
“I don’t know what to tell you, Gavin,” he says. “I’ve said my piece.”
When he wakes up the following morning, it’s to dread. His alarm has gone off, but there’s no motivation for him to get up. There’s no motivation to doing anything, and he thinks about calling in sick and simply wasting the day away under his blankets. The outside world is not for him.
His door alarm goes off rather annoyingly in succession around mid-morning. He finds it in himself to get out of bed, pull on a robe and respond to it. Michael is on the other side, looks like he’s on the war path.
“Are you dumb or something?” he says and Ryan’s too muddle minded to take offense at his tone. “Why d’you gotta keep pushing people away like this?”
Ryan observes him with an almost bored expression. He’s too drained to be dealing with his and thinks it might be easier if he just cut all ties.
Cut all ties to what though? What do you really want out of this?
I don’t know.
“I’m not,” he says evenly.
“Yeah? Then how do you explain what you’ve been saying to Jeremy? To Gavin? You know Gavin’s already torn up over this whole thing. He doesn’t need you being an ice man over here.”
“Michael,” Ryan says, and the exhaustion hits his voice for the first time in days. “I’m not dealing with this right now.”
“Yeah because you never deal with anything that upsets you ever.”
“No. Because there’s nothing to deal with. It’s Gavin’s choice. If he wants to leave, then I’m not going to stand in his way.”
“And if he stays, does that mean you’re still going to be a miserable bastard?”
“If that’s what you think of me, then why are you sticking around?” The question catches Michael off guard, and Ryan pounces on the opportunity. “I say what I want and I mean what I want. I don’t want Gavin holding himself back because of me, because one day he’s going to regret it and he’s going to regret that he let his emotions decide for him. And if you and Jeremy get opportunities like that, then take it. Don’t tie yourself down because of me.”
“Why do you speak of yourself like you’re some fucking anchor?” Michael says. “I get that I can leave and do what I want, but I don’t because I love you and I love the others.”
“Then you’re a fool just like me.”
He closes the door on Michael’s face. He doesn’t respond to the door alarms or Michael’s frantic knocking. And soon it’s quiet. Michael has gone.
Ryan sinks onto his bed and covers his face with his hands and cries for all that he has lost and all that he has become.
Ryan doesn’t confront emotion—even his own—because he’s such a mess on the inside that when it comes out, it confuses even the brightest minds in the field of therapy. Emotion was beat out of him when he was a child, when he dared to say he would leave Corinthian in favour of the stars when his teachers scolded him for such notions. Emotion didn’t get him through school when he was sixteen years old, years younger than even the brightest any Academy accepted, hazed and always seen as ‘oh, that kid.’ Emotion didn’t get him through the horrible tragedy on the King’s Vengeance when everyone tore themselves to pieces while he was helpless to watch. Emotion didn’t get him out of bed and back into the stars he loved.
Emotion isn’t worth it.
Then are you saying they aren’t worth it?
I don’t know anymore.
They leave him to wrestle with his thoughts and rightfully so. He wouldn’t want to be near him in this state either. He buries himself in his work and doesn’t confront what’s truly bothering him.
Two weeks pass and Ryan gets the news. Gavin’s taking a position but not on the Queen’s Fire. An exploratory position opened up on a team on Earth. Sixteen weeks with some of the brightest minds in the Astroneer community. It would essentially be a sprint, and it might match up to Gavin’s nature more. Four months instead of two years, Ryan should be grateful, but he’s not.
Ryan gets the news from Geoff not from the others. They don’t tell him.
“Is something wrong?” Geoff asks him one night.
“I don’t know,” Ryan says, and that’s the truth.