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Zuko realized he wasn’t like everyone else when he was twelve.
A few days before Azula left for the Academy with Mai and Ty Lee, he wandered the Palace’s halls. Until he found them on the floor. Laughing. Giggling . They hugged themselves and tears spilled down their cheeks.
“Enough! My ribs hurt!” Ty Lee managed to say between two deep breaths.
“What’s going on?”
Azula only pointed at the next hallway. Zuko turned the corner. He froze.
One of the Fire Sages was scolding two servants, a kitchen maid and a butler, it seemed, next to an open closet door. They were both in… well… night robes covering their shivering bodies. The boy’s loose pants peeked out from under the bright red robe. He wasn’t wearing a shirt at all. Zuko’s stomach churned.
“Wait until marriage!” growled the Sage. “This is a disgrace!”
Zuko stayed there until the Sage and the two servants were gone.
“Aw, look at Zu-Zu’s face!” said Azula. He jumped when she put a hand on his shoulder. “Does that give you any ideas, brother of mine?”
“What? No!”
“I can’t believe this could be us in a few years!” giggled Ty Lee.
“Years? I doubt Mai would mind being found in a closet with Zu-Zu now !”
Mai flushed furiously. Zuko ignored her.
“I don’t want that!”
“Come on, Zu-Zu. You’ll want to eventually! Everyone else does.”
An army of ants marched in Zuko’s stomach. What was that feeling? Did Mai feel it right now too? Was it some type of embarrassment… or something else entirely?
“Well… huh… ah...!”
He couldn’t find anything clever to say. So he stormed off.
That feeling of ants marching up and down his abdomen carried into his teenage years. Twisting his stomach whenever anything remotely sexual - like crude jokes told by a drunk navy crew or glimpsing lovers in Ba Sing Se’s alleyways - came his way. He hadn’t realized it much, mostly because he had other things to worry about in the following years. Duelling with Father. Being banished. Finding the Avatar. Stopping this turkey-duck chase and becoming Aang’s Firebending Master. Defeating Azula. Ending the Hundred Years’ War.
It became a problem after the War.
When he became Fire Lord. A Fire Lord expected to produce an heir .
During the short period he’d dated Mai before leaving the Fire Nation to join the Gaang, he’d told her… promiscuity... wasn’t something he wanted just yet. He needed time. But that was the thing. He was turning eighteen - the War had ended two years ago and he’d been dating Mai since then! Wasn’t he ready now? Didn’t he want it now?
Mai started to get… impatient. Not that she tried anything. Until, well… one night.
They were having a makeout session in his apartments. Which was.... fine. For the most part. He didn’t feel uncomfortable doing this, really. It was rather chaste and never went anywhere. Besides, they weren’t even on the bed, just standing nearby. It was pleasant, feeling her against him. Until Mai reached down and pulled on his sash. Fumbled with his pants. Started to pull them down. The ants came back. By the dozen.
“No!”
Zuko stumbled. His back hit the wall. He was trapped.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“Relax,” she smiled, taking a step closer. He tried to take a step back but the wall stopped him. Mai frowned and hugged herself. “You know I wasn’t planning on going all the way! We’re not married yet . I don’t want to end up pregnant! But… you know…”
“What?”
“I have… needs. And I wanted to have a glimpse of what married life will be like.”
Dread filled Zuko at the idea of his wedding night. He could already picture himself lying down on the bed, stomach in a twist and heart in his throat. What would he do then? Let her do everything while he stared blankly ahead?
“I don’t want that part of married life.”
She tsk ed. “Come on, Zuko. You don’t want it yet. But you will. Eventually.”
“I will?”
“Yeah. You need an heir. Besides, everyone else wants to do it. It’s normal.”
Zuko felt sick. It wasn’t Mai’s fault. She was being honest about his situation and her feelings, he knew that. So if she wasn’t wrong… was he? Was he wrong?
Was he… broken?
“I… I don’t know what to say.”
“You don’t have to say anything.” Mai crossed the room, pulled him away from the wall and wrapped her arms around his neck. The way she pressed against him didn’t feel nice anymore. “It’s okay to be scared, love. Just let… yourself… go…”
She kissed him. Slowly. Deeply.
He pulled away first. “I need to think.”
“What?”
“I need time to think.”
Mai squinted at him. Then nodded. “All right.”
As soon as Mai had walked out, Zuko shoved the door to his en-suite bathroom open. He splashed his face with the cool water. His wet hands gripped the porcelain sink. Zuko took in deep, long breaths. Kept his head bowed. Until he looked up and stared at his own reflection. Golden eyes unflinching, skin paler than usual, black hair messy and damp. A hundred questions skirted his mind. Was this what he wanted in life? Was this who he wanted to be with? Was this who he wanted to be ? A man who did… the do despite his feelings?
His throat closed up. No. This wasn’t who he wanted to be.
He’d been miserable before. Those times were over.
He fell asleep late that night. Zuko woke up every hour, jittery and anxious. The next day, he found Mai lurking around the throne room. She didn’t yell, she didn’t cry. At least not in front of him. Instead, Mai put on a brave face and nodded solemnly. Which was worse for Zuko’s guilt than if she’d put on a fight, he knew.
“I understand, Zuko. We’re not in the same place in life.”
“I’m sorry, Mai.”
“Don’t be.” She hugged him before kissing his cheek. “I want you to be happy, too.”
She left.
Zuko wandered the Palace aimlessly. Servants, Sages, nobles, all bowed deeply as he passed. He smiled but his heart wasn’t into it. For the first time in years, he felt like a boat lost at sea. As if he’d lost his anchor. And maybe he had.
Walking by a window, he inhaled the scent of roses coming from his Mother’s garden. Since he’d become Fire Lord, he’d tended to it personally. Even if he was a firebender, it didn’t mean he couldn’t like Earth-related matters. And such matters would keep his mind occupied. Maybe then he’d stop thinking about Mai for a few seconds.
Zuko stopped by his rooms to put on his gardening clothes and walked outside.
He was pulling at weeds by the turtle-duck pond when he felt someone sit by his side in the soft green grass. Zuko didn’t need to look up to know who it was. Uncle Iroh smelled of jasmine tea leaves, Sakura cookies and home. Zuko smiled.
“Morning, Uncle.”
“Problems of the heart, Nephew?”
Zuko bit his lip. “You saw Mai. Didn’t you?”
“She seemed fine. Until she turned a corner where no one but me saw her.”
Zuko pulled at a particularly tenacious weed. His breathing even, he sat down properly in the grass next to his Uncle. Taking care of the garden was always therapeutic, not unlike his firebending training, but in a different way. This wasn’t intense. This wasn’t… as... tiring either. This was reinvigorating. He oriented his face towards the early summer sun, eyes closed. The darkness behind his eyelids gave way to red. The breeze played with his hair, left free from its usual top knot. He didn’t want to be Fire Lord today. Just Zuko.
“We… want different things. And that’s okay.”
“But it doesn’t make life any simpler.”
Zuko smiled. Uncle always knew how to find the right words.
“No, it doesn’t.”
It took him three years to fall in love again. Not because there weren’t any girls around. After his breakup with Mai became public, Zuko essentially became the Fire Nation’s most coveted bachelor. All nobles sent their daughters as candidates to become the new Fire Lady. He welcomed them with open arms, talked to them individually, tried to find someone. Yet, he felt no true companionship with any of these young women, though he found things in common - firebending, mostly - with them. Friendship was there. Romance… didn’t happen.
Then she arrived.
He welcomed the Southern Water Tribe’s diplomatic delegation with a smile and a bow, then laughter, hugs and pats on the back. She was at the front, standing proudly with her family. When her eyes met his, Zuko felt it. Something from his teenage years. Something he’d buried when he’d started dating Mai after his coronation. Or when he’d seen her perfectly happy with another boy. Zuko’s breath caught in his throat and his mouth went dry.
She wrapped her arms around his waist. It felt so natural to have her there. As if she was always meant to be. “It’s good to see you again, Zuko.”
“It’s good to see you too, Katara.”
It didn’t start as courting per se. This was too natural to fit in with stuffy Fire Nation traditions. She was a Princess (of sorts) from a faraway land coming to see its King, but she hadn’t come with a romantic purpose in mind at all. At least he thought it hadn’t been; he hadn’t invited Katara with that in mind after all.
At first, they’d only meet for diplomatic purposes and peace treaties. Then distractions came. He’d see her every day, taking her on walks around the Palace or spending hours in the library with her, both reading different books but enjoying the other’s presence nonetheless. Whenever he could, he’d act as a guide around Caldera and sometimes went as far as outside the city. He invited her to balls and parties and they ended up ditching it all to sit in his Mother’s gardens at night, feeding the turtle-ducks.
He heard Katara’s friends tease her about it and the Fire Sages eyed whatever this was with critical looks on their faces. But Zuko knew this couldn’t last, the way they circled each other like planets on their own little orbits. Too close but too far to touch. And he couldn’t help but think about his breakup with Mai. He didn’t want to make Katara miserable.
He realized it too late. When he was too far gone. As usual.
“Zuko?”
He came out of his reverie, standing on a balcony in the early morning air. His hair, freed from his top knot, shivered in the cool breeze. It wasn’t the first time they’d stayed up all night, sometimes watching the stars in Mother’s garden or reading poetry in the library. But this felt… different. Somehow. He’d gotten closer to her without realizing it. This was how he was with Katara. He leapt without thinking.
Focus, Zuko.
“Yes?”
Her blue eyes sparkled in the full moon’s light.“You’ve been quiet.”
“Yes! Um. I was… thinking.”
He expected her to ask what he was thinking about. Instead, she said: “Me too.”
“Really?”
“Hm, hm. About… this.”
Her arm vaguely gestured around them. At the Palace, the gardens down below, the balcony, at them… Oh Agni, he suddenly realized. He thought of them as them. As in us .
Katara smiled. Zuko felt sixteen again, tongue-tied as he looked at a kind, caring, powerful and wise fourteen years old whose issues ran deep under her skin. Like he’d been back then too. But he was twenty-one and she was nineteen now. They were no longer children fighting a war. They were adults. Fighting for peace.
How big of a lie this was. Deep down, he was still as inadequate as a child.
“Katara…”
She cut him off. “I wanted to say thank you. You’ve been so kind and generous. You’ve welcomed us with open arms! You made us feel at home far away from home.” She nagged at him with a mischievous grin. “Don’t think I didn’t see you put Southern Water Tribe dishes on the menu in the dining hall!”
Zuko blushed. “It was nothing. If anything… I’m the one who owes you.”
“You do?” She took a step closer. They were eye-to-eye, now, though he was a bit taller than her. So close…
“You… you… um…” He bowed his head. “Since the War… I haven’t really had a friend. Aang comes around at times, like Toph. But it’s more… formal. You know?”
“I do.”
“Really?”
Her shoulders slumped. “After Aang… it wasn’t the same.”
“What happened with him? He never told me.”
She shrugged and turned towards the balcony. Her eyes were lost in the light of the moon. “I was tired of him leaving me. He never stopped to think about me before packing his bags and travelling the world. As the Avatar, I understood, but... I wanted to be a part of something. To be included. Still do! He never asked me if I wanted to come. So I broke up with him. And it hasn’t… been the same since. He’s still my friend, but we’re rebuilding.”
“I know how you feel.”
“You do?” Katara eyed him.
“After I broke up with Mai… I was lost.” He didn’t elaborate on the why he’d broken up with her. A hand rubbed the back of his neck. “Katara… I wanted to tell you something.”
She nodded and turned fully towards him. His arm fell limp at his side.
“I’m… um… would you…?” Would you like to stay forever?
He hadn’t felt like this since Mai. Wrong. He hadn’t felt this with Mai. He wanted to make her feel wanted and loved and maybe as soon as they could they’d leave this place and travel around the world and maybe… just maybe… find out what happened to his Mother together. They worked so well together, after all. He wanted to tell her that and so, so much more. But Zuko couldn’t get the words out. Instead, he lowered his head towards hers. Lower… lower… His face was a few inches away from hers. Zuko’s hand brushed against her cheek. His lips trembled. He asked permission with his eyes. Was this okay? Was this too much? Katara pushed herself on her tiptoes. She kissed him and he barely felt it. Like a bumble-fly’s wings against one of his Mother’s rose petals.
He pulled away first.
“Katara, there’s something I really need to tell you.”
“I’m listening,” she breathed in the crook of his neck.
“I don’t want a wedding night.”
Her eyes widened. “I’m sorry?”
Panic made his head spin. Or was it the kiss? In any case, this wasn’t what he wanted to say! The words, once stuck in his throat, poured out of him like a waterfall.
“I don’t want what the Sages would want from a wedding night. I don’t want…”
He wanted to find a euphemism, he really did. But nothing came.
“I don’t want sex. I don’t want to touch anyone’s body like that. I don’t want anyone touching my body like that! I want to tell you now so you don’t waste your time with me. I don’t want to make you miserable if you want other things and I can’t… I can’t give you that! It grosses me out. Makes me feel sick to my stomach. I know it’s expected of me as Fire Lord to procreate once I get married but I like what we have. I like kisses and hugs and talking and spending time with you, but I don’t want… anything else. I don’t want to do it. I don’t. ”
“Oh, Zuko…”
Her hands cupped his cheeks and her thumbs rubbed away rogue tears falling from his tired eye. Zuko swallowed. The world weighted on his shoulders.
“Is that why you left Mai?”
He nodded. Throat squeezed shut.
“And it’s been eating at you ever since?”
Again, a nod.
“I know how you feel. I’m like you, too.”
His eyebrow shot toward his hairline. “What?” he managed to say.
“I’m like you! I don’t want that either. Procreating. Having sex.”
“Really?”
“Really. It might not gross me out… but it’s not something I’ve ever been interested in either. A lot of things would be even better than that. I’m like you. You’re not alone.”
I’m not alone. I’m not alone. I’m not alone… He repeated her words in his head like a mantra, lips moving without his brain’s authority on the matter. He wasn’t alone. Katara was like him. He could be with Katara without her being utterly miserable. Not that Katara would’ve ever pressured him into doing anything, he realized that now with relief. She loved him for him. And they wanted the same things. He wasn’t alone! His smile grew so wide his cheeks hurt. Zuko wrapped his arms around her and lifted Katara off her feet. He twirled her around. She shrieked and he laughed and they both shushed each other.
“Shhh!”
“You’re going to wake up the whole Palace!”
Once Katara was on her feet again, Zuko kissed her. Quick kisses, barely a few pecks on the lips. Then he pulled her in for a long, tender kiss, one hand on her lower back.
“You don’t know how happy I am right now!”
She smiled against his lips. “I do know. You look like a polar-dog puppy!”
A thought crossed his mind. His whole body went rigid.
“What will the Fire Sages say?”
Katara laughed. Her eyes filled with tears of mirth and her hand covered her mouth. She buried her face in his torso until the laughter died down. “Don’t worry! We’ve been through so much. We’ve faced Azula together. Surely the Sages won’t be too much trouble?”
They turned out to be a lot of trouble, actually. On different matters.
“Your Highness! It is against tradition that the Fire Lord marries outside the country!” Or: “Your Highness! It is against tradition that the Fire Lord adopts his heir!” And again: “Your Highness! It is against tradition that the Fire Lord…”
“I KNOW it’s against tradition!” Zuko slammed his fists against the table. The Fire Sages flinched. He bit his lip. “I’m sorry.”
“We know you are. What Zuko is trying to say,” said Katara, “is we’re doing this together. We won’t change our minds. We’re not talking about marriage yet but we know it’s important considering our political backgrounds and the state of the world. It would be beneficial diplomatically. For the Fire Nation and the Water Tribes. As for adopting... this War left countless children in need of loving parents. What do you say?”
The Sages exchanged glances. Zuko caught them with a smile. Maybe Katara of the Southern Water Tribe would make a fine Fire Lady after all.
And years later, after they found Zuko’s Mother, visited Katara’s Tribe and earned Gran Gran and Chief Hakoda’s blessings, married while mixing Fire Nation and Water Tribe traditions, spent their wedding night reading poetry, adopted children from around the world and started reigning together, no one regretted accepting Zuko and Katara’s partnership.
No one regretted that their Fire Lord and Lady were not like everyone else.