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Cass would kill herself if left to her own accord. That was not a new notion I got from our Queen. She had told us, her enemies, that she was a Dragonslayer mere minutes after we met her for the first time. A mistake that could have easily led to her bloody demise. It disquieted me that it was not improbable to assume it could be an unconscious sabotage of her own safety.
I tried to hide those undesirable emotions behind a mask of calm but at the present moment I was vulnerable. The last night would haunt me in my nightmares. Concentrating hard on the violet eyes before me, I did not look at the boy, Tino, laying on my bed. Half of his body had been severely burnt, damaging his extremities, muscles and nerves. I could not tell how much he would be able to convalescent, but there was no chance for him to fully recover.
I could still feel the limp body of his older sister Barbara under my hands. It was fortunate that I did not have time to sleep last night, I would not have been able to in any case. I had never lost a patient before. Even if I wasn’t as skilful as my sister, I was an expert doctor with a PHD and enough experience to work in any hospital I would choose. My last name alone would be enough to get me any position I would desire. Additionally to my practical knowledge of school medicine, my healing abilities gave me an edge that was not to be underestimated.
I was not so presumptuous to not know that this could be thought of as fraud or at least nepotism. Using my magical abilities was not deception as having an applicable gut instinct was not either. The accusation of nepotism was not as easy to discard. Particularly because I would never be able to be sure that I would not have been chosen because of my family connections. When I heard the call of the Queen eleven days ago, I resigned the promising position in an outstanding hospital and followed it. It appeared to be a dream come true; a meaningful position I knew I did not get because of my last name.
It had not taken a dead child for me to question my decision. My colleagues and professors had always told me that healing was in my blood, that I had been destined to be a doctor. I did not disagree with them on principal and when I came here, I had been sure I would be a beneficial addition to the companions of the Queen. But I was only twenty-eight. A born healer or not, I did not have the experience a healer in a position such as mine should have. Consciously, I knew no one would have been able to save Barbara. Even if we had circled her into a hospital with specialists there was no way to be sure she could have been reanimated. I was certain that Tino would not have been stable if I had taken the time to bring both of them into a hospital. Still, I felt the small body under my hands and heard the accusations. If I had been faster, better, cleverer, I could have saved her.
Focusing on the present situation I sat down with Cass. Tenderly, I cleansed what was left of her palm while calling on my medical training and remembering that her psyche was damaged beyond a full recovery. I saw the way her hand almost flinched away when I touched it and that had obviously nothing to do with the pain the disinfectant balm inflicted on her. The pain relaxed her. That led me to the conclusion that she had anticipated to be hurt by me. A misjudgement on her part that wounded me greatly, even if I had seen what had been done to her body and consequently to her soul.
The way Cass spoke about her body angered me far more than was advisable. I knew she could not understand why it irritated me. To her it must seem that I faulted her for what had been done to her by people that should have protected and cared for her. Keeping that in mind, I understood why she anticipated to be hurt by me. She knew I disapproved of her ambulatory with her injuries and pain. She also probably knew that I was furious right now, so why would she not fear to be pained by me? Judging by the scars all over her body and her reactions, that was what she had to expect in situations such as this.
Forcibly, I calmed myself. Cass was unsettled enough. She needed to learn that she would not be hurt by me if not absolutely necessary for a medical procedure that had to be done in a fashion or time limit that made it impossible for me to medicate her appropriately beforehand. It was not her fault that I failed her, Barbara and Tino.
“Cass?” I asked with the reassuring voice I had learned to use on patients that bordered on being in shock. When she looked at me, her violet eyes seemed to be younger than usual. Most of the time her eyes had been cold, hard and piercing, with a look of determined cruelty. I did not wish to know what had been done to her to produce such a stare in eyes that could also smile like the sun itself.
“I will put your hand in a bracer to abet the healing process. I beg you to use it.”
Pain flashed over her features, reflecting in her eyes, drowning the dread in them. I saw the exact second when she broke. I had seen a shadow and scars of it when she told us that she had been forced to kill as a young child. I had seen her break differently when I had told her that I was afraid for her, but this time I saw her hold on herself disintegrate. Before I could react, she gingerly pulled her hand out of mine, turned and fled out of the room.
“Lea!” Urgency rang through my voice, but Lea was already on his way. I handed him the bracer and anticipated for him to hand me Mia, but he shook his head.
“Stay with her.”
Lea turned and followed the Queen.
“It was not your fault.” Amalia’s dark voice was reassuring and I would have assured her in the same manner, and it, too, would have been as much lie as it was the truth.
Cass could not handle emotions well, particularly when she was already upset, and she was upset right now. Whatever had been done to her, her torturers had not been able to torment her tender heart out of her. It was possible that their atrocities assured that Cass would sacrifice herself for any child she met. Her past actions would suggest that at least. Confronting her with my concern and fear for her was not a good idea under any circumstances but while she was already under stress? This was my fault.
I did not know enough about psychology to be able to help her properly. Although it would not stop me from trying. It did not matter that all indications implied that the damage done to her psyche was even more severe than the deep scars that disfigured her skin.
I looked up to meet Amalia’s eyes. The infinite darkness that seemed to absorb all light was the visible expression of her power and therefore the warning evolution gave other’s upon meeting one of her kind. She had not left Tino’s side. It did not seem to make a difference to her that Tino was a few years younger than her youngest brother. Was she even aware of the way she sat protectively beside him? Could one ever be aware of all the reasons of their actions?
I took a deep breath, calming the self-accusations ringing in my ears as much as I could and nodded my thanks to Amalia. Cass could be a great Queen if she received the support, encourage, love and friendship she needed. She would. When I swore my oath, I swore to serve her with my whole being, my life, my death and everything I could offer her. I did not know what that would include and I am fairly certain I still do not do. Nevertheless, I will provide her with everything she needs.
I, Takumi Yuuto Makoto, found my purpose not in the Queen but in the broken girl that will become her.