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The first time it happens, it's after a concert. They're both still sweating, and on an adrenaline rush, and Jaebum corners him and Jinyoung finds himself giving in because it's Jaebum. He shouldn't have though, not because he didn't want to, because god knows that he wants to. But because Jaebum's taken now and this... it's cheating. Which is against Jinyoung's morals, yet Jaebum seems to have forced all of his morals out of the window.
Every single time, there's always a little hope that this time it will be different, but it never really is. Jinyoung wakes up in his hotel room the morning after, and any traces of Jaebum is gone from sight, and he would almost feel as if it was a dream, except that he knows it wasn't.
He has that same kind of sad emptiness that he has had the entire time, ever since Jaebum had finally broke down about it. And now he has to live with the guilt that he is just as bad as Jaebum because he helped Jaebum cheat on his girlfriend, who despite as much as Jinyoung wants to hate her, he can't, because she is innocent in all of this. She has nothing to do with the fact that her boyfriend is in utter denial, but in Jinyoung's fault for still letting Jaebum bang him.
And he doesn't even want to imagine if Mark or Jackson found out about it, the two of them would have some rather choice words, they're already high strung about this whole thing, all of them are actually, because it's thrown a brick wall in between them.
It happens again, and Jaebum drags him back from the studio, after they are preparing for their come back. It doesn't get too far, they're making out on Jaebum's couch, and there's some heavy petting.
But the anger, the hurt that Jinyoung feels is still building up, on top of how wrong this all is. And his head isn't in it, and despite how much he wants to just focus on how it all feels, or at least savor the moments that he gets Jaebum, because at least he gets Jaebum some way. Just, this time he can't.
With a sigh, he pulls away, and Jaebum chases his lips, but Jinyoung puts his hands on his chest to keep him back and pinned to the couch.
"Jinyoung?" he asks with a frown.
Shaking his head, Jinyoung swings his leg over until he's on the ground and he pushes until he is standing up, and he turns his back slightly, closing his eyes. "I can't do this Jaebum," he nearly laughs. "I seriously can't."
"Why not?"
"Why not?" Jinyoung repeats as he whips around. "Are you seriously asking me that right now? Why are you even still fucking me?" he cries out, irritated beyond belief and finally driven far enough to begin losing it. "Why aren't you fucking your girlfriend?" he spits out the word like it's some kind of poison, as if it's something that disgusts him.
"Because," Jaebum says quietly, head hung down. "I haven't done anything more than kiss her. I can't bring myself to do more than kiss her." And even then, Jaebum thinks. She isn't you.
Nothing prepares Jinyoung for hearing that, and he feels himself standing up straighter, feeling as if his body is being pulled taut like a bowstring. He feels pity though, as he turns back and looks at Jaebum who is sitting there, unseemingly angry now, and playing around with his hands.
He knows why Jaebum can't, and it's what he's been trying to say for a long time now. Even if Jaebum doesn't want to admit to feeling anything for him, he can't deny how he feels towards men in general, and that he doesn't feel like that towards woman. Outside of how he feels for Jaebum, Jaebum is still his best friend, and it hurts to see him in so much pain, so much denial. That he is hurting himself so much. "Jaebum," he says, all of the previous anger leaving his voice. "You know why."
Jaebum's shaking his head then, like he is still in utter denial, and that's because he is. Sinking down, Jinyoung kneels and grabs Jaebum's cheeks with his hands to stop him from shaking his head. "Jaebummie, look at me," his voice is soft, but firm enough.
Jaebum's eyes glance up from where he was staring at his hands and the couch.
Breathing in, Jinyoung rubs his thumb slightly, "You know why. You're gay Jaebum. You're gay."
"I'm not."
"But you are!" he says voice getting firmer. "It's so damn obvious Jaebummie, I know you, I've known you and you just don't... you don't like women. Not like that. Not in the way that you're hoping. I know you're scared but I'll help you."
"Help what?" Jaebum laughs then, voice turning bitter. "Help me become a fag?"
It's the second time that Jinyoung has heard Jaebum say that, and yet it hits him just as hard as the first time. He feels like he's been punched in the gut, and his hand stills and he pulls away slightly, as if touching Jaebum burned him. "Jaebum-"
"I think you should go," he says, voice still quiet, but then gets firmer. "You should go."
Jinyoung stays squatting there for a second before he pulls his hands back into his own lap, "Okay," he says robotically, voice just above a whisper. "If that's what you want, I'll go." He gets near the door after sliding his shoes and jacket back on. "Goodbye Jaebum."
And then he's gone, and Jaebum finds that he's crying.