Chapter Text

But that was Star Wars. This is something a lot sillier.

A The Simpsons / Sailor Moon crossover

"PRETTY SOLDIER SIMPSON MOON"
Part 1 : "Lunacy in Springfield! Lisa's bizarre transformation."

by GKScotty

from an idea by Cuteswan

INT: SIMPSONS TV ROOM, DAY
BART and LISA sit on the couch eating their breakfast. The familiar opening music of an Itchy and Scratchy cartoon is heard.

CUT TO:

TV SCREEN
Usual I&S title screen. The title is "Episode 76 : Breadknives don't just cut bread! Itchy's surprising revelation!"

CUT TO:

STREET IN CARTOON TOKYO
ITCHY stands in the street, looking at a map. Camera pans around a few times, looking at pictures of the sky, the houses, the street, the ground, the birds, the clouds, the dogs, the walls and the inevitable cherry trees (complete with blossom) This takes about 3 minutes, while slow, relaxing music plays.
SUDDENLY the background starts flashing red and battle music starts, as SCRATCHY attempts to hit Itchy with a flying kick. Itchy just ducks and Scratchy lands a few feet away from him.

Close-up of Scratchy glaring at Itchy, for about 2 seconds.

Close-up of Itchy glaring at Scratchy, for about 2 seconds.

Close-up of Scratchy glaring at Itchy, his eye twitching, for about 4 seconds.

Close-up of Itchy glaring at Stratchy, his eye twitching, for about 4 seconds.

Close-up of Scratchy glaring at Itchy, his face turning red and shaking his fist, for about 8 seconds.

Close-up of Itchy glaring at Stratchy, his face turning red and shaking his fist, for about 8 seconds.

Scratchy snarls, and charges Itchy! Itchy charges Scratchy! Scratchy holds out a palm! A huge laser beam - about 4 foot wide - shoots at Itchy! Itchy flies out of the way and starts throwing a million breadknives! The breadknives cut scratchy into many little bits and embed themselves in his noggin.
A panting Itchy lands on the ground, sighs to himself, (phew!) bows to his ex-opponent and starts to prepare some celebratory green tea.

SUDDENLY, aliens attack!

CUT TO:

THE SIMPSONS TV ROOM
Bart and Lisa are still watching, as various miscellaneous fight SFX come from the TV. Their eyes are bulging in confusion.

LISA: Uh, Bart... what's happening now?
BART: I'm not sure... I think they want vengeance for the death of Klu Klux Klam, but they don't know that Klam was only sent to the next dimension by Itchy in episode 132.
LISA: But the title at the start said it was episode 76!
BART: (shrugs) It's one of those time travel things I think... (SFX: DING!) Hey, they're done!

Bart gets up from the couch, and runs to the kitchen.

CUT TO:

KITCHEN
Bart runs over to the oven, opens it up, and removes a baking tray.

BART: Ah, they're finally done... just in time too.

Lisa appears at the doorway.

LISA (suppressing a smile): Bart... have you been (grin) baking?
BART (defensive): Hey, don't get the wrong idea Lis. You know how it's report card day today?
LISA: Yes...
BART: Well, I figured, since you always get good grades for cooking the teacher's some muffins, I could try the same thing and...
LISA: Bart! I get good grades because I work hard in class and study!
BART: So you say, but they could just be humoring you to get more muffins...

(SFX: Bus horn)

Lisa glances up at the wall clock.

LISA: Oh no, we're late? We're gonna miss the bus!

Bart and Lisa run for the door, pull on their shoes as fast as possible, and grab their bags, but by the time they're out the door the bus is already pulling away. They stand on the sidewalk for a moment, panting, then turn to each other.

BART/LISA: MOM!

CUT TO:

KITCHEN
MARGE is now here, washing the breakfast dishes. BART and LISA run in.

LISA: Mom, we missed the school bus! Can you give us a lift?
MARGE: You did what? Oh, I'd like to honey, but your father had a... little accident in his car last night.

CUT TO:

SPRINGFIELD GORGE
Closeup of LENNY who is hanging upside down, and sleeping. He suddenly wakes.

LENNY: Huh? Where am I?

He looks down, and sees that he's hanging from a tree branch that's caught in his pants. Springfield Gorge stretches out below him, and Homer's car is still burning at the bottom.

CUT TO:

SIMPSONS KITCHEN
BART, LISA and MARGE are still in their positions. LENNY's cries for help can be faintly heard in the background.

MARGE: Homer took my car to get to work today, so I don't have one. You'll have to walk.
LISA: Walk? Walk! At this rate we'll have to RUN! (she grabs Bart's hand) C'mon, Bart, we're late already!

Lisa sprints off, dragging Bart with her.

BART: Urk!
LENNY (OS): Helllppp... helllppp...

CUT TO:

BART AND LISA RUNNING
Suitable fast-paced music. Bart and Lisa run along, avoiding all sorts of hazards and obstacles. After about 15 seconds, Lisa glances into the car park next to a pre-school nursery and sees a group of small boys teasing what looks like a black cat. She skids to a halt, but Bart continues towards school.
Lisa approaches the boys.

LISA (angry): Hey, you little brats! Leave that cat alone!

She rushes toward the kids, and they scatter. She gets the cat - it's black, and has some band-aids stuck on its forehead in an X shape. The cat claws at the band aids, trying to get them off.

LISA: Hey, relax kitty... did those bad boys put these band-aids on you? Here, I'll get them off.

She peels off the band-aids. A white crescent moon is under them. As it is shown, the cat's eyes open wide and it looks directly at Lisa. She's startled and drops the cat. It lands on its paws for an instant and then does a backflip about 7 feet up into the air, landing on a car roof. And it stays there, looking closely at Lisa.

LISA (Weirded out): O...kay... well, glad to see you're better now. (starts to turn away, to self) Weird cat. (sudden panic) Oh no! Now I'm even later for school!

Lisa sprints away. The black cat just stays on the car, watching her go.

INT: BIG BLACK SCARY PLACE (DARK KINGDOM THRONE ROOM), NIGHT (PROBABLY)
A cheesy, big black scary place. Heavy on the stalactites, stalagmites, and mood lighting. The silhouettes of hundreds of YOUMA (cheesy female monsters) crowd a few dozen feet from the throne. An obviously evil woman (QUEEN BERYL) sits on said throne, waving her hands vaguely over a crystal ball. She will never get tired of this.

BERYL: We need far more power to awaken our great ruler, Queen Metallica, queen of RAWWWK! Jimboite! Where are you?

JIMBOITE teleports into the room in-between the Queen and the Youma. He looks just like JIMBO, but in a Dark Kingdom uniform. Still has the purple hat and a skull on the front of his uniform. He bows.

JIMBOITE: Yes, Queen Beryl?
BERYL: Have you completed your mission?
JIMBOITE: Yes. Napster is ruined now, and we have a trojan youma in all the file sharing programs created to take its place. Every byte downloaded grants our ruler further energy. The humans' lust for free music will be their downfall.
BERYL: Good, but data energy is not a very potent source. We need the real thing, human life energy. Take a youma to the world of humans and con some stupid women into giving us theirs!
JIMBOITE: I've already sent Morgue to a human town, and she's getting ready now.
BERYL: Good. Bring the energy to me.
JIMBOITE: Yes, my queen.

INT: SPRINGFIELD ELEMENTARY HALLWAYS (DAY)
The hallways are empty, except for LISA, who is sneaking down the corridor slowly, looking around carefully. However, she manages to walk straight into SKINNER.

SKINNER: I never thought I'd see the day - Bart Simpson on time, (To self) by about 2 seconds, (shouts to Lisa) Lisa Simpson late!
LISA: Principal Skinner! I can explain!
SKINNER: Don't bother. I'm sorry to have to do this Lisa, God knows you don't deserve it, but rules are rules and I must follow them. (Dramatic echo) 2 minutes detention.
LISA (falls to knees, scream): NOOOOOOOOO!
SKINNER: No screaming in the halls. 2 and a half minutes detention.
LISA (scream): NOOOOOOOOOO!
SKINNER: Didn't you hear me? 3 minutes detention.
LISA (scream): NOOOOOOOOOOO!
SKINNER (sigh): Just get to class...

CUT TO:

MS HOOVER'S SECOND GRADE CLASSROOM
Lisa opens the door, and creeps in. Her usual class is here, along with MS HOOVER.

MS HOOVER: Ah, so glad you could join us Lisa. I wasn't sure whether I should put today down as an absence or a tardy.

She scribbles on a piece of paper, and hands it to Lisa.

Lisa gasps.

MS HOOVER: Sorry, but I'll have to give this year's best attendance prize to... (she checks her attendance log) Ralph.

RALPH gasps, and grins broadly.

RALPH (jubilant): I won, I won! What do I get?
MS HOOVER: This voucher for 10 dollars off anything at the new Springfield Wal-Mart, and this ham.

She hands Ralph a very large ham on the bone.

RALPH: Hooray for ham!

Lisa sighs and looks dejected.

EXT: PLAYGROUNDS (DAY)
It's recess. LISA sits by a tree with her elbows on her knees, looking sad. JANEY is standing near her.

JANEY: Cheer up Lisa... it's not the end of the world you know.
LISA: Yeah, I know. And besides, I'm a vegetarian. What would I want with ham?
JANEY: Exactly. Besides, Ralph really seems to be enjoying it.

Pan to Ralph. He's sitting against a wall with a blank expression on his face, sucking at the thin end of the ham like it's a lollypop.

MILHOUSE approaches the girls.

MILHOUSE: Huh hey Lisa... how was your report card? I got the attendance prize this year! They gave me a Wal-Mart voucher and a packet of peppered steaks!

Lisa just slides her face down into her knees.

JANEY: Uh, Milhouse... now's not the time.
MILHOUSE (Disappointed): oh...
JANEY (changing the subject): Hey Lisa, did you hear about that Sailor V character? She was on the World's Wackiest News last night.
LISA: Sailor V? That's a strange name. Who is she?
MILHOUSE: Sailor V is a teenage girl in a mask and a sailor suit who catches bank robbers and fights monsters and stuff. They think she's originally from Japan, which explains the costume, but recently she's been seen in a lot in Europe too. She must be on a world tour or something.
LISA: Guys, don't you know better than to trust a news program hosted by Krusty the Klown?

INT: 2nd GRADE CLASSROOM (DAY)
The whole class is busily working, RALPH is still sucking at his ham. The clock hits 3 o'clock, and the final bell rings.

HOOVER: Okay, pack up, you can leave any time. Just go already.
JANEY (to Lisa): Tell you what Lisa, to cheer up, why don't we go to that new Wal-Mart and have a look at the jewel counter there. My mom got a job there as the resident expert.
LISA: Jewels? Aren't there other, better shops in Springfield for them?
JANEY: Of course, but no other shops are having a huge opening sale right now!
LISA: Well, I had better head for detention... will you wait for me?
JANEY: I don't know Lisa, 3 minutes is a long time, it's almost 6 commercials. I don't know if I have that much patience...

CUT TO:

DETENTION CLASS

LISA enters, sits at a desk, and opens a textbook. After a moment Bart sits down next to her.

BART: I guess you're here because you were late, huh?
LISA: Yeah... why are you here?

Bart doesn't reply, he just hands her a card...

Lisa just looks at Bart.

BART: I don't know what I did wrong Lis! Maybe I put too much Kiwi Fruit and pepper in.

Show the detention clock CLICKing to 3:03. Lisa gets her bags and leaves the detention hall.

EXT: STREET (DAY)
LISA and JANEY walk down the street.

LISA: Really, the perfect attendance thing doesn't bother me that much... I'm more worried about this terrible P.E mark! How did that happen? I joined the hockey team.
JANEY: Did you ever go back to practice after that game against your brother?

Lisa just glares at her.

CUT TO:

AERIEL VIEW OF THE CITY

LISA (OS, yelled): D'OH!

A flock of birds takes off after the sound.

CUT TO:

BACK TO THE STREET

LISA: I knew I was forgetting something... hey, what's going on over there?

Pan over to show the new Wal-Mart. There is a gigantic crowd out the front.

JANEY: Wow, that sale must really be working.

INT: WAL-MART (DAY)
There are legions of women crowded around the jewelry counter, and just as many other people at all the other counters. They're all fussing over the goods and buying like mad. JANEY'S MOM strides around the store, with a megaphone made of rolled up cardboard.

J-MOM (shouting): EVERYONE, PLEASE ENJOY YOURSELVES! THIS IS THE BIGGEST OPENING SALE IN THE HISTORY OF WAL-MART, EVERYTHING IS AT LEAST 50% OFF AND SOME BRANDS ARE UP TO 80% OFF!

The background darkens, and EVIL, EVIL CLASSICAL MUSIC starts to play. Janey's Mom glares around.

J-MOM (thinking): Yes, spend you fools...

A brief shot of the REAL JANEY'S MOM, who is bound and gagged in a dark room, then a close-up shot of the jewels. A WEIRD EERIE EVIL LIGHT starts swirling around on them, drawing itself into the center of the jewel. J-Mom must really be a FAKE MOM!

FAKE MOM (VO): Little do you know of our evil plot... these bargains are direct from hell itself! These jewels will steal your energy, and send it to our great queen!

CUT TO:

SOME REALLY DARK PLACE
JIMBOITE stands here. He holds out a hand and the energy starts to swirl into a ball just above his palm.

JIMBOITE: It's too easy... the energy of stupid women who want jewels...

CUT TO:

THE DOORS
People are wedged in the doors. Janey and Lisa manage to POP through.

LISA: This is madness! If I know Springfield, this is an hour away from turning into a riot!
JANEY: I know! I wonder what my mom is thinking... (she sees her, with the megaphone) Oh! Wow, she's really getting into this! (calls and waves) Mom, hey mom!

FAKE MOM is still laughing to herself a little, and glaring around at the fools. Janey runs over, followed by Lisa.

JANEY: HEY! Mom!

She snaps her fingers in front of FAKE MOM's face until she stops laughing and notices Janey.

FAKE MOM (doesn't know Janey): OH! Dear... you, you're out of school already... dear?
JANEY: Yeah. I brought Lisa over to have a look at your sale (whisper) like you asked... (normal) Um, isn't it a bit busy around here?
FAKE MOM: Oh, it's to be expected when a shop this size opens... (she looks carefully at Lisa) I had a hunch you girls would come over, I've been saving a special piece for you...

She heads over behind the jewelry counter, and points out a genuine pearl necklace.

FAKE MOM: This is a genuine, high quality pearl necklace. Normally it would sell for at least $129.99, but since it's a sale and since it's you, Lisa, I could let it go for maybe... $9.99, including tax.
LISA: What? That's cheap! How can you make money like that?
FAKE MOM: Well, you wouldn't believe the markup we normally have on these things.
LISA: Hm... I'm not usually the type to buy jewelry... but it is a great necklace! And it's a great bargain too!

Lisa gets a purse from in her bag, and starts counting out money.

LISA: 5 dollars... 5.75... Hm. (depressed) Sorry, I don't have enough... I'd better leave it till later...
FAKE MOM (disappointed): Oh... that's a shame. Well, I'll keep it for you.
LISA: Thanks. I'll probably come back for it...
FAKE MOM: Okay! (to self) Koises, foiled again!

Lisa wanders off to have a look around the rest of the shop.

CUT TO:

SWEET COUNTER
RALPH stands looking at the sweets, holding his $10 voucher in his hand. He licks his lips.

RALPH: Oooh, sweets!

He glances away and the gun counter placed right next to the sweets catches his eye. There's a gun with the price tag "SALE : $9.99." Ralph's attention wavers back and forth between the sweets and the gun for a while, before he fixates on the gun. A GENERIC TEEN watches him carefully.

RALPH: Oooh, a gun like Daddy's!
TEEN: Uh, are you over 21?
RALPH: I don't know. But I have a thing Daddy gave me.

Ralph hands the teen a note.

TEEN (reading): This is my son. Refuse him a sale at your own risk! Signed - Police Chief Wiggum. (looks around nervously) Uh, I'll have to ask my manager...

He walks off, leaving Ralph looking at the gun. Lisa sees Ralph looking up at it, sees the voucher in his hand, and gasps.

LISA: Ralph? What are you going to buy?
RALPH (pointing up): That gun's just like Daddy's.

Zoom in to Lisa's forehead.

LISA (thinking): Uh oh... Ralph with a gun, not a good idea... gotta think of something.

Zoom back out. Lisa looks around, and looks at the sweet rack. She grabs a candy bar.

LISA (persuasive): Ralph, I'll buy you a Mars Bar if you give me that voucher...
RALPH: Really? Oh boy!

Lisa buys him the candy, gets the voucher, and Ralph skips off happily. Janey walks up behind Lisa.

JANEY: Lisa, that was cruel.
LISA: Oh come on, do you think it would be a good idea to let him buy a gun?
JANEY: No, but you didn't have to take his money.
LISA: If I hadn't, he would have got one anyway. Besides, it would have been my prize anyway if I hadn't stopped to help that cat.

CUT TO:

JEWELLRY COUNTER
Lisa hands the voucher over to Fake Mom.

FAKE MOM: Thank you Lisa... you don't know how happy you've made me...

Fake mom puts the necklace in a box and gives it to Lisa. Janey and Lisa start to head for the door.

LISA: Wow, I can't believe I got a real pearl necklace for 10 dollars!

All the other SHOPPERS freeze.

MRS KRABAPPEL: Ten dollars?
MS HOOVER: Ten bucks?
LUANNE VAN HOUTEN: What a deal!

The shop turns into a frenzy as everyone descends onto one counter. Lisa and Janey sprint for the door and eventually end up having to crawl out of the shop. They head outside.

LISA: Janey... your mom's crazy.
JANEY: I think I agree with you, Lisa.

EXT: SPRINGFIELD STREET (DAY)
LISA is walking down the street by herself now...

LISA: Well, that was a little strange... but it was a great deal. I can't wait to get home and try this on!

She starts to run. As she goes, the BLACK CAT from the parking lot looks at her from around the corner...

CAT (thinking): So this is Lisa Simpson?

INT: SIMPSON HOUSE, GROUND FLOOR HALLWAY (DAY)
The front door opens, and LISA enters.

LISA (shout): MOM! I'm home!
MARGE (Shouts from OS): Okay! Don't go far, dinner will be ready soon!
LISA (shouts): Okay!

She runs upstairs.

CUT TO:

LISA'S ROOM
Lisa enters and closes the door behind her. She sits at her dresser, removes her normal fake-pearl necklace, and puts her new one on. It looks slightly different from the fake one, a bit better. She admires her reflection for a moment.

LISA: Wow, it really is genuine... it's shinier, and heavier than my usual one... but why do I feel tired all of a sudden?
MARGE (Shout from OS): LISA! Dinner is ready!
LISA: Hm, I had better not wear this to dinner, I don't want to wear it out or risk Bart breaking it...

She removes the necklace, sets it in its box, and puts her old one on.

LISA: Coming! (to self) Hm, I feel better already.

INT: MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE WAL-MART... (DAY)
The shoppers are looking a bit more tired...

MRS KRBAPPEL: This is strange... I feel dizzy...
HELEN LOVEJOY: I just want to sleep...
AGNES SKINNER: I want some more... (collapses)

JANEY looks around at everyone passing out.

JANEY: What's going on? Everyone's falling ill. Mom, I think something is wrong!

SUSPENSEFUL SHOT of FAKE MOM

JANEY: Mom?

FAKE MOM turns around. She looks a teensy bit more evil than before. Janey gasps.

INT: SIMPSON DINNER TABLE (DAY)
The family sit around the table, eating. HOMER looks up at LISA and BART.

HOMER: Okay, I got a phone call from Skinner reminding me that it's Bart's report card day today, so quit stalling boy, hand it over.

Bart groans, and hands the card over.

HOMER: Now lets see... F,F,D,D-,D+,D+... you got a HA in Cookies? Why you little! If you're going to rely on sucking up, you should at least do it well!
BART: Sorry Dad... I'll follow a recipe next time.
HOMER: You'd better boy. Okay Lisa, lets see yours...

LISA hands it over.

HOMER: Ah, much better. A+,A+,A+,A,A... F? you got an F? How could you get an F in P.E? Even I got better marks in P.E!
LISA: But Dad... I got A's in every other subject! Bart didn't get anything better than a D and you only yelled at him on the cookies!
BART: Hey, do you mind? I'm sensitive about my culinary failure!
HOMER: Lisa, haven't I told you often enough that a good P.E. mark is the easy road to instant popularity? You need to concentrate less on learning stuff and more on making people like you!
LISA: What? That's... ludicrous! As if there's anything I could do to magically make everyone like me! I'm no good at sports!
HOMER: Well, you should get good!
LISA: But...
HOMER: No buts. Go to your room, and run on the spot or something!

CUT TO:

LISA'S ROOM
Lisa enters, in a bad mood.

LISA: Stupid sports... why do they think I have to be good at everything? I can make friends no problem... I've got my brains, I'm friendly, and I can play music too! (She looks over at the stand with her saxophone) Yeah right, run on the spot... I'll just quietly practice my sax.

She gets the sax, and starts to play.

SFX: A creak, as the window opens a crack. But Lisa doesn't hear. She just sits on her bed playing, and then looks down at the bed. The BLACK CAT is there.

LISA: Hey... how did you get in here? You must be one clever cat to follow me like this...
CAT (young feminine voice): Thanks. You play really well, by the way.

Lisa just gapes at the cat for a moment, before screaming, and springing over to the other side of the bed. She peeks over the top of the bed at the cat.

LISA (startled): AAAAGH! A talking cat? What the heck?
CAT: Oh! Sorry to scare you. My name is Luna. I've been looking for you for a very long time, Lisa.

Lisa just hides behind the bed, looking at the cat.

LUNA: Ah... thank you for getting rid of the band aids. Someone put them on me to trick me, I couldn't talk with them covering my crescent moon birthmark. It was pretty cruel, but it did mean I found you, so it wasn't all bad. Anyway, nice to meet you.

Luna walks toward Lisa. Lisa just stares at her.

LISA: Wow... I must be hallucinating! Maybe that sickness I felt earlier was really something bad!
LUNA: Hey! I'm not a hallucination! I'm a real cat!
LISA: Yeah? Real cats can't talk! I should know, I have one!
LUNA: Well, I'm not an ordinary cat, of course!
LISA: Of course! You're an imaginary one caused by a high temperature or something!
LUNA: I am not!
LISA: Are too!
LUNA: Am not!
LISA: Are too!
LUNA: Oh, this is ridiculous!

Luna turns away and starts crossing over to the other side of Lisa's bed.

LISA: You think so? You're not the one talking to a cat!
LUNA (stops and turns): Oh... look, just give me a chance, will you? All will become clear, I promise.
LISA (getting up): Well... sorry, but I think I had better get some medicine from my mom.
LUNA: Don't go... wait, I know. You were feeling fine when I met you this morning, weren't you?
LISA: Yeah... (protesting) but you weren't doing anything unusual then!
LUNA (sarcastic): You think cats doing 7 foot backflips onto car roofs is normal?
LISA (overwhelmed): um... okay, okay. I'll stay. But this better be good.
LUNA: Oh, I know it is. HERE!

Luna does a big twirly backflip, and a sparkling item appears at the apex of the flip. It falls onto Lisa's bed - it's a gold brooch.

LUNA: Here, a present for you.

Lisa picks it up and starts inspecting it.

LISA: Wow, more jewelry. It looks expensive... is it really for me?
LUNA: Yes, only you can use it. Lisa, you might not have noticed, but a lot of strange things have been happening all over Springfield recently.
LISA (surprised): What, you mean all those mysterious deaths? The ones were nobody can find any cause of death except exhaustion?
LUNA: Yes, those deaths.
LISA (thoughtful): Bart and I had been looking into some of them... a lot of the time we're more likely to solve the case than the police are.
LUNA (surprised): That's good... (enthused) that's a great start! Lisa, you have been chosen to be a soldier in the battle against the people causing these deaths!
LISA: What? Chosen by who? Who would choose an 8-year-old?
LUNA: Fate.
LISA: Um, okay... MOM!
LUNA: Lisa! What, don't you believe me?

Lisa starts nervously edging toward the door.

LISA (nervously): Of, of course I do, imaginary fever cat. But I really think I should have some medicine!
LUNA: (sigh): Lisa... I know you don't need to believe me, but I can prove this... please, hold up the brooch and say "MOON PRISM POWER - MAKE UP!"

Lisa just stares at Luna.

LISA (in shock): Moon prism power - make up?
LUNA (defensive): Hey, I didn't decide on the phrase, okay. Just say the stupid words.
LISA: Uh, sure I will... (at door) MOMM!
LUNA (sigh): Please Lisa, I'm begging you... if it does nothing I'll leave.

Lisa looks at Luna, and sighs.

LISA: Oh, alright. (grabs brooch, poses) MOON PRISM POWER - MAKE UP!

Nothing happens.

LISA: There! I knew it!

Suddenly, with a SWISH her dress morphs into a leotard. She jerks into an odd pose in shock.

LISA:AGH!

SWISH and jerk as her shoes become knee-high boots.

LISA: Waugh!

SWISH and jerk as elbow-length gloves appear.

LISA: Eek!

SWISH and jerk as tiara and earrings appear.

LISA: What?

One final SWISH and Lisa goes into a pose with her left hand on her hip and her right fingers over her eye, as the skirt and bows appear

LISA: Woah! What on earth? (she falls over onto her butt) Ow! My, my clothes! (angry) What the heck have you done to my clothes? What is this?
LUNA: Lisa, you have been chosen to be a soldier for Justice. You are Sailor Moon!

When she is Sailor Moon, Lisa will be referred to as MOON-LISA.

MOON-LISA: How can I be a soldier if I look more like a sailor?
LUNA (dismissive): That's not important right now...
MOON-LISA: Yes it is, I look like an idiot! (angry, dives at Luna) Give me my red dress back!
LUNA: Agh! Sailor Moon! What are you doing?

Luna dives out of the way onto Lisa's desk. As she lands, she dislodges the box with the new pearl necklace, which falls out and onto the ground. The evil mist that is drawn into it can clearly be seen.

LUNA: What is this?
MOON-LISA: (gasp)
LUNA: Sailor Moon! We must destroy this necklace!

Luna leaps down, claws unsheathed, and cuts the string between some of the pearls. Moon-Lisa grabs something heavy and smashes it down on the necklace a few times, breaking some of the pearls. As Moon-Lisa removes the heavy object, the mist dies away.

MOON-LISA: What on earth was that?
LUNA: That necklace must have come from the Dark Kingdom! I'm sure that, if you had worn that, it would have started to steal your life energy for the Dark Kingdom's evil schemes!
MOON-LISA: What? Is that why I felt a little faint before?
LUNA: I would bet it is.
MOON-LISA: But... if all the jewelry in the store is like this... dozens of people could die!
LUNA: Yes! You must do something Sailor Moon!

Moon-Lisa gapes at Luna.

MOON-LISA: Me? What can I do? We need to call the police!
LUNA: Normal people can't fight youma! Only certain people can, and you are one of them. As one of the Sailor Soldiers, it's your responsibility to help these people!
MOON-LISA: Hm... all right. What do we need to do?
LUNA: We must head for that new store right away!

Luna heads over to the open window and leaps out. Lisa watches her.

MOON-LISA (shout): But I can't go outside dressed like this! (to self) Or jump out of a window for that matter... (sigh) this is getting weirder all the time. Well, here we go...

She jumps out the window and runs across the garden chasing Luna. They both clear the fence at the end in one jump.

INT: THE EVIL WAL-MART, NIGHT
All of the SHOPPERS are here, now completely passed out. FAKE MOM is here too, holding JANEY by her throat two feet from the floor.

JANEY (struggle): Huh... ggh... mom, why, what are you doing...
FAKE MOM: I'm not your mother. She is tied up in the basement!
JANEY (struggle): But... who... ugh...
FAKE MOM: You don't see to be affected ... oh, you didn't buy anything! Well, I know exactly what to do with you.
MOON-LISA (OS): Stop right there!

Quick pan to the door, where Moon-Lisa and Luna stand.

FAKE MOM: Who are you?
MOON-LISA (hesitates): Um... I'm... (poses) I am the pretty soldier (pose) of love and justice (pose) Sailor Moon! (pose) In the name of the moon (pose) I'll punish you! (pose, pose)
LUNA: Wow, she's catching on fast...
FAKE MOM: Sailor Moon? A bit smaller than expected, but that doesn't matter! I'll teach you to mess with the powers of the Dark Kingdom!

Close-up of Fake Mom as she morphs into MORGUE. Morgue is a zombielike youma, somewhat androgynous, with stretched gray skin, no nose to speak of, and long and decidedly evil black hair.

Luna gasps in shock, Moon-Lisa screams in horror.

MOON-LISA: It's Michael Jackson!
LUNA: No Sailor Moon, it's the youma that's caused this! You must destroy it!
MORGUE: You can try, little girl! Attention shoppers, we have a blue light special on dead wannabe heroes!

All the SHOPPERS get up, possessed my Morgue.

MOON-LISA: Hey, what's wrong with you? (to MORGUE) What have you done to them?

She doesn't get an answer, as AGNES SKINNER charges at Moon-Lisa. Moon-Lisa screams and tries to run, but Agnes manages to get a grip of her ankle.

AGNES (groaning): Seymour... come... and... help... me... hold... her... down...
SKINNER (groaning): Coming... mother...

Skinner tries to shamble over, zombie style, but Moon-Lisa manages to pull free before he gets there.

AGNES (groaning): You... call... that... shuffling??? That's... the... worst... shuffling... I've... ever...
SKINNER (groaning): But... Mother...

Moon-Lisa ignores them and runs further into the shop away from the crowd. But MRS KRABAPPEL and MS HOOVER block her way.

MRS KRABAPPEL (groaning): You... should... not... disobey... your... elders! 10... years... detention!
MS HOOVER (groaning): Write... 10000... lines! "This... is... not... appropriate... clothing!"
MOON-LISA: Detention and lines? But I'm a model student!

Moon-Lisa is paralyzed in shock.

HOOVER/KRABAPPEL (groaning): We... have... her... now!

They dive at Moon-Lisa, attempting to grab her. But she manages to jump backwards and they fall on the floor. She jumps over their bodies and keeps running. Morgue covers it's eyes with a hand.

MORGUE: My Queen, these slaves are useless... unless... (turns to CLETUS) You, redneck! Here's the key to the gun cabinet!
CLETUS (groaning): Yee... haw...

CUT TO:

COUNTER
Moon-Lisa squats behind a counter.

MOON-LISA: What's happened to them? That monster must be controlling them. It's a good thing they're not very fast or they'd already have me by now.

LUNA runs up to her.

LUNA: What are you doing sitting here, Sailor Moon? Get out there and destroy that youma!
MOON-LISA: But how can I? You never told me that bit!
LUNA: ... okay, so I didn't. Just remove your tiara, and throw it at the youma while shouting "Moon Tiara Action!"
MOON-LISA: Moon Tiara Action? (pause, yells) MOM! MOMM! Come wake me up!
LUNA (exasperated): For goodness sake girl, I'm being perfectly serious!
MOON-LISA: That's hard to believe right now...
LUNA: Look, the "Moon Prism Power, make up!" worked, didn't it? So trust me a little, Sailor Moon! I'm not a hallucination or anything, and those people it's controlling are dying!

Moon-Lisa thinks to herself for a moment, and turns to Luna.

MOON-LISA: I'll try...

She stands, and looks over the counter.

MOON-LISA: Okay youma, set these people free or I will AGGH!

Cletus is looking at her down the barrel of a shotgun! Moon-Lisa freezes in fright. Close-up of Cletus's finger pulling the trigger...

The gun fires, but in a blur something slams into the side of the gun, forcing it over a bit to the left. Cut to Moon-Lisa, who appears to be in shock. There are some holes in the wall a few inches to her right, and the shot has clipped the end off a hair spike. It falls to the ground.

MOON-LISA: What was that?

Show the shotgun. A rose is in it, the stem having passed through the barrel. Everyone follows the path of the rose and looks up. A second-story window is open, and a MAN stands in it. He wears a tuxedo, cape, mask and top hat, and carries a cane.

MAN: I am Tuxedo Kamen! You can't win if you don't have faith in your powers Sailor Moon! Just trust the damn cat already... (looks closer) hang on a moment, are you...?

He jumps down from the window, landing next to Moon-Lisa. She has her hands clasped together, and is looking up at him with starry eyes.

MOON-LISA: You saved me!
TUXEDO KAMEN (bends down and looks closely): You're a bit... uh... younger than expected...
MOON-LISA: Is your name Corey?
TUXEDO KAMEN (shudder): Uh, no. (to self) This is my love-interest? Even I have limits... (to Moon-Lisa, embarrassed) Well, good luck! Gotta go!

He jumps back up to the window, and leaves.

MOON-LISA: Hey, where are you going?
MORGUE (OS): (cough) Are you done yet?

Show Morgue and some of the possessed people sitting around having coffee.

MOON-LISA: Um, I guess so...
MORGUE: Good. Prepare to meet your death, Sailor Moon!

Morgue stands and reaches out her arms, which get longer so that her hands are rapidly stretching towards Moon-Lisa.

LUNA: Do it now Sailor Moon!
MOON-LISA: Okay!

CUT TO:

REPETITIVE CUT-'N'-PASTE TIARA ATTACK
Moon-Lisa appears before a trippy background with bubbles and stuff in it. Close-up of her tiara. She picks it off her head, and POSES. Then she holds it in front of her and SPINS twice on one leg. The tiara starts to glow becoming a disc of white light. She POSES.

MOON-LISA: MOON TIARA ACTION!

She throws the tiara/disc like a frisbee.

CUT TO:

WAL-MART
Morgue screams as the tiara heads straight for her. There is a large explosion of white light as it hits.

MOON-LISA: Wow! That's incredible!

Morgue crumbles into dust.

CUT TO:

A REALLY DARK PLACE
JIMBOITE's ball of energy suddenly dissipates as it's returned to its owners.

JIMBOITE: Oh no, the Queen ain't gonna be happy about this... that wiener Morgue must have failed.

INT: LISA'S ROOM - NIGHT
MOON-LISA flops down back-first onto her bed, exhausted. Her uniform glows for a moment before turning back into her red dress.

LISA: I can't believe I really did that... It's impossible, isn't it?
LUNA (proudly): Not at all, and you did it really well too! Great job Lisa, you saved all these people!
LISA: Huh, I guess I did! It was weird and embarrassing, but it worked pretty well. I'm just glad those people probably won't have any memory of me in that silly costume.
LUNA: Oh, don't worry about that. Nobody, not even your closest friends and family will ever recognize you as Sailor Moon.
LISA: Why not?
LUNA: Plot convenience.
LISA: Ah. So... was that the only youma, or will there be more enemies like it?
LUNA: I'm afraid there will almost certainly be more. We've got a long battle ahead of us, Lisa.

FADE TO BLACK

LISA (voice over): Luna was right. It seemed like from that point on, a new youma appeared every few days to set up a new con and steal people's energy. They must have tried everything...

Show still picture of Moon-Lisa fighting a batlike youma in the broadcast mast of KBBL Talk Radio.

LISA (voiceover): hijacking radio stations...

Picture of Moon-Lisa running on a fast treadmill as a Youma laughs at her.

LISA (voiceover): taking over fitness clubs...

Pic of Moon-Lisa gasping at Bart, who is holding a nasty looking guinea pig.

LISA (voiceover): even selling possessed animals. It was hard work, sometimes I wound up staying up really late to destroy a youma. But fortunately, I got an ally pretty soon!