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Phil was having one of those days where everything seemed off. Nothing bad had happened, he wasn’t even particularly stressed, he was just feeling off. He tried to hide it from Dan, but he failed miserably.
Dan knew something was wrong with Phil. But he also knew that Phil was never one to shy away from talking about his problems when he needed to; Phil didn’t bottle things up like Dan did. So Dan kept an eye on Phil but didn’t mention his sour mood, knowing Phil would come to him when he was ready.
As Dan predicted, Phil plopped down on the sofa next to Dan late in the afternoon. He sighed and pushed Dan’s laptop off his lap so he could put his head there instead.
“What’s the matter, sweetheart?” Dan asked softly. He closed his laptop, he’d just been mindlessly scrolling anyway, and turned his attention to his boyfriend.
Phil sighed and looked up at Dan. “What if nobody likes me anymore?”
Dan frowned. “What do you mean?”
“Like, what if everyone only follows me on Twitter and stuff to keep up with you? What if they’re only interested in me because they like you?”
Dan’s frown deepened. He reached down to thread his fingers through Phil’s messy quiff. “Why do you think that?”
Phil shrugged. “I dunno. I just-” he sighed. “You’re so creative and inspirational and you do all these great things. You’re talking about your depression and working with Young Minds and you’re doing good things in the world. And I’m just tagging along for the ride.”
“Aww Philly,” Dan murmured. “That’s not true at all. You aren’t just tagging along. You’re the one who encouraged me to talk about my depression in the first place. And you’re super creative. You came up with Truth Bombs and the 7 Second Challenge, and you came up with most of the ideas for TATINOF and Interactive Introverts. You’re the most creative person I know.”
The corners of Phil’s lips turned up in a half smile. “Sometimes I just feel like people like you more cause you’re edgy and relatable. And I’m just your weird roommate who you used to stalk.”
Dan couldn’t help but laugh at that. “Well I mean I did stalk you, so they’re not wrong about that. And sure, I might be relatable because I talk about my depression and make fun of myself but you’re like- fuck, how do I explain it? You’re like the light at the end of the tunnel. You’re always there to make people smile and feel good. You tell funny stories and do silly things because you enjoy it, and other people love watching it because you enjoy it. You’re like the safe space people can go to when they’re feeling down. They watch one of my videos and then go binge on your channel to feel better. You’re just so good and bright. You have a way of making people smile, even if they’re feeling depressed and hopeless and they don’t want to go on.”
Phil bit his lip and looked up at the ceiling, knowing that if he looked at Dan, he would see Dan’s raw emotions and then he’d end up crying. “Maybe I should talk about my depression and anxiety too.”
“If you really want to, then of course I’ll support you. But don’t do it just because you think that’s what everyone wants to see. Because I promise you, it’s not. People love you for you, just as you are. So be you. No one else can.”
Phil met Dan’s gaze finally and he smiled. “You really think so?”
Dan nodded. “I do, I know so. Remember what that one viewer said to you?”
Phil sighed sadly and nodded. “Yeah, I remember.”
Dan kept playing with Phil’s hair, knowing it calmed him down. “You saved their life, Phil. You. Not me, but you. You helped them when nobody else could, and you didn’t even know you were doing it. And in their letter, they opened up to us about what they were going through. They thanked me but you’re the one they credited for saving their life. Think about what could’ve happened if you weren’t making videos you enjoy.”
“I know,” Phil said softly. “I’m glad I could help them.”
Dan leaned down and kissed Phil’s lips. “See? You did that. You, Phil, you as you are. I’m not saying never change, I’m just saying don’t feel like you have to change to make people like you. Because so many people already love you.”
Phil sat up and hugged Dan tightly. “Thank you,” he whispered.
“I mean I’m Phil Trash #1, but think about how many Phil Trash’s there are out there! #2, #3, #4, #10,000.”
Phil laughed and rolled his eyes. “Those are all you, Dan. You’re Phil Trash #1-10,000.”
Dan laughed as well and hugged Phil. “Accurate.”