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Alice hasn’t seen Grace Chastity in years. She does her best to forget about her, to pretend like they had never met, that she’d never known or or even that she’d ever existed at all. Usually, it works. She can get through days and weeks and months without her prissy, freckled face running across her memory.
And sometimes, it doesn’t. Sometimes it keeps her up at night, thinking about the way she treated her, wondering if she was the same person today and, despite herself, hoping she was okay. Sometimes she stumbles upon old pictures and is forced to think back to the better days, when they were young and dumb and naive. She remembers where each one was taken, what they were doing, why they had taken it.
There’s one, hidden away somewhere in her bedroom drawer (she could never bring herself to tear the fucking thing to shreds), of just the two of them sitting outside. They’re leaning against a tree, cuddled up into each other’s arms- as much as they could with one of them snapping the shot anyways. It’s freshman year.
“Alice,” The words ring in her ears. “Is it normal to like girls? Like, like really like them?” And suddenly she’s back under that tree, staring at her thirteen year old friend with wide eyes. “I dunno.” She shrugs. “I’ve seen girls who do on T.V. before, so I guess it is?”
Grace just sighs. “Does T.V. count though? I overheard my parents talking about it… Saying it was a sin, and all that. They’re really smart, so they’re probably right, right?” Again, Alice can only shrug. “I dunno.” There’s not much she can say without revealing too much and risking everything. “Why do you ask?”
She freezes for a moment. She shifts her body just enough to look at Alice, to study her expression and weigh her options. Their faces are dangerously close, lips mere inches apart. It would be so easy to lean in and close the distance, Alice thinks, unable to look away from them until she’s pretty sure Grace Chastity notices. “I’m really confused.” Is eventually what she decides to answer with. “I know I shouldn’t, but sometimes when I look at some of the girls in our class I get all,” she pauses to motion with her hands, seemingly trying to come up with the right word. “Weird. Like when you look at boys, y’know?”
It stings. Alice has known she’s a lesbian for a little while now, but this is the first time anyone’s ever assumed she’s straight. It hurts more than she thinks it would. “I think I get it.” She’s afraid of what she might say next. Of what she might reveal. “I don’t, um…” She gets distracted, staring at all the parts of Grace Chastity she shouldn’t be. “I don’t feel that way either. When I look at boys, I mean.”
Had Alice just come out to Grace Chastity? More importantly, had Grace Chastity just come out to her? “Oh.” It’s breathy. “Oh. So- so you’re… Y’know,” The word is whispered, “gay?” Alice wants to shake her head, to claim some sort of mistake or misunderstanding, but her head is nodding before she can stop it. “Oh.” Their lips draw closer, though neither girl realizes what’s happening until they meet. The kiss is gentle, it’s loving and perfect, until it’s not anymore. More specifically, until Grace realizes what’s happening, until Alice can hear Grace’s dad calling for them from inside.
They pull away quickly. “I- I gotta go.” Grace stands up violently, knocking the parts of Alice that had been resting on her off. “Call your dad, tell him to pick you up.” She’s never heard Grace speak with such anger, such malice and venom. “I’m not feeling well.”
Alice doesn’t speak much to Grace after that. She tries to stay friends, following her wherever she goes, joining whatever she joins, partnering up with her for assignments. But it’s never enough. Alice fucked their friendship up, she there’s nothing she can do but watch as Grace’s life moves on without her, as she gets boyfriend after boyfriend (who alice can tell she never loves) and forgets about her more with every passing day.
Every time she thinks of that memory she goes to tear the picture into a million tiny pieces. She gets closer than usual this time, fingers pressed down, ready to tear at will. But as always, the picture ends up back in it’s hiding spot, unharmed, albeit tear-stained.
Deb doesn’t want her to go to her high school reunion. She’s seen what the thought of Grace can do to her. “C’mon, we can just stay home and cuddle with your favorite movie playing in the background. Lesbian spies are much better than making yourself sick over Grace Fuskshit.” When Alice insists, she can’t help but grow nervous. “Fine, but I’m going with you.”
And so they go. Fifteen years later (nineteen years after the grace incident), there they are, standing in the halls Alice once knew so dearly. She gives Deb the grand tour, introduces her to every nook and cranny she can remember. There’s the broken stall kids used to smoke in, the locked closet that kids whispered about during lunch, the unlocked storage closet where she walked in on Grace and some senior boy making out.
Deb grows worried again, but before she can do anything, another alum comes and ushers them into the school’s cafeteria for some welcome back bullshit, or whatever. Deb hopes Grace is a no show, but of course, the first person she lays her eyes on is the devil herself.
“Alice, don’t.” She sees the way she’s staring. “You’ll just get all sad again, and-” But Alice doesn’t hear her (or if she did, she simply doesn’t care). The minute her gaze falls on the blonde, she’s walking over, as if her feet are automatically carrying her there.
Grace looks shocked when she spots her. “Alice! Hey, how are you?” Alice isn’t sure what to say in response, mainly because she wasn’t expecting it. She was anticipating a continuation of high school- that being, Grace would look at her for a minute and then walk as far away from her as possible. “I’m- I’m doing alright.” Her voice is quieter than she intended. Clearing her throat, she continues, “I can’t complain, anyways. What about you?”
She can feel Deb’s watchful eye. Part of her is grateful, part of her just wants to be alone with Grace Chastity so she can beat the living shit out of her. “Same here.” There’s silence. Alice can feel it choking her, can feel it seeping into her lungs and her heart and her brain, and for a moment she’s pretty sure she can hear Deb walk towards the two, until Grace speaks up again, “Look, Alice- You don’t have to pretend like we were best friends during our Clivesdale days. I was a shitty person. Like, super shitty.” She glances around. “I wanna say sorry.”
Alice can’t speak. “After the kiss, I knew I was gay. I’d always thought something was amiss up until that point… But that was it. There was no denying it anymore,” She paused, trying to gather her thoughts. “My dad saw us. He gave me the typical catholic ‘anti-gay’ talk; it scared the shit out of me. He threatened to send me to some… Gay-away camp if I continued acting like a lesbian. It scared me to be around you, so I just- just avoided you.”
It’s overwhelming, Alice is shaking. “I think I loved you back then.” The last line is what breaks her, what finally brings the tears to her eyes and sends her flying into Grace’s arms. Deb runs over, ready to kill. “Grace, if you said something to her, I swear to god-”
But then she sees the two. She watches as Grace rubs small circles in Alice’s back, watches as she holds her close and tries to soothe her. “You should take her home. I don’t think being in Clivesdale is doing her any good.” Grace lets go of Alice. “We should talk later. Maybe even go on a double date and catch up a bit. There’s… A lot I need to get off my chest.”
Deb drives Alice home. She cooks her favorite dinner, gets her all snug under the covers in their bedroom, and marathon every happy movie they know. The next morning, Alice makes plans with Grace for the next week (dinner at a local burger joint). They talk for two hours on the phone. The conversation mostly consists of apologizes and discussions of their post-Clivesdale life. Apparently, Grace gave up dating boys somewhere in college, and when her parents found out she had a girlfriend, they completely cut themselves off from her- including monetarily. Luckily enough, her girlfriend’s parents were extremely well off, and were able to support her through college. Alice can’t help but smile a bit when she learns of their recent marriage.
After the call ends, she goes back to that cursed picture of the two sitting under that god-forsaken tree. She looks at it for a moment, just a moment, before her fingers take their position and rip the fucking thing in two.
They take a much better one at the restaurant, anyways.