Chapter Text
Chat: The Spice Girls (#1, 2.5braincells, Daddy, everything nice, futafuckme, halfpint, Mommy, mr. director, NaCl, spice daddy, Yahaba)
(14:45) Daddy: guys idk if u know this
(14:45) halfpint: wha
(14:45) Daddy: i have another volleyball captain friend and he found out we have a gc and he’s offended
(14:45) halfpint: obviously not cool enough to be in our gc if he isnt already in it dumbdumb
(14:46) Daddy: hoshiumi
(14:46) halfpint: can u not use multiple messages to say 1 thing
(14:46) Daddy: no
(14:46) Daddy: i already added him bc he said he was gonna dick down samu if i don’t and then samu said he’d put a lock on the fridge if i didn’t add him
(14:46) 2.5braincells: Hi, my name is Usuri Michiru!
(14:46) 2.5braincells: WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT SIRI AUTOTYPED MY NAME!!!!
(14:46) 2.5braincells: Who’s who?
(14:46) 2.5braincells: (Still gonna dick down Osamu, jus sayin’)
14:47 Mommy has removed 2.5braincells from The Spice Girls.
(14:47) Daddy: keiji why
(14:47) Mommy: He’s a sociopath.
(14:47) Daddy: but he’s my friend
(14:47) Mommy: Why didn’t you tell me you were friends?
(14:47) Daddy: didn’t know u needed to know all of my friends
(14:47) Mommy: You know I don’t like him.
(14:48) futafuckme: OH NO MOM AND DAD R FIGHRING :(
(14:48) Daddy: fuck off
(14:48) halfpint: stop fighting ur scaring us :(((
(14:48) everything nice: ùwú
(14:48) Mommy: You did not just do that.
(14:48) everything nice: give me the belt. i dare you. ùwú
(14:49) Daddy: leave keiji alone only i can harass him
(14:49) Mommy: This is why I didn’t want to date you.
(14:49) Daddy: KEIJI IM HURT
(14:49) halfpint: WAIT
(14:49) Daddy: NO
(14:49) halfpint: CAN I ADD USURI BACK
(14:50) halfpint: PLEASE
(14:50) everything nice: they didnt wait theyre probably doing that stupid couple thing they do where they call and resolve their issues all healthily and shit
(14:50) futafuckme: smh
(14:50) futafuckme: couples
(14:50) futafuckme: why do you wanna add usuri back anyway, hoshi
(14:50) futafuckme: it’s not like we don’t already have ten kids #2many in the chat
(14:50) halfpint: u dont mean it u love us and u know it
(14:50) futafuckme: alright, i confess
(14:51) futafuckme: i fucking love you guys, but if you tell anyone, ur gonna die
(14:51) halfpint: ur secrets safe with me sir
(14:51) futafuckme: but you never answered me
(14:51) halfpint: hes my friend too sort of
(14:51) halfpint: even tho i think kaaashi is right abt him being a sociopath
(14:51) halfpint: i got a squish on him
(14:51) futafuckme: the fuck is a squish
(14:51) halfpint: u know
(14:51) halfpint: that… thing
(14:51) futafuckme: ur fucking weird
(14:52) futafuckme: how does it feel to be called weird by a fucking weirdo
(14:52) halfpint: omg
(14:52) halfpint: DAD COME BACK IM BEING BULLIED
(14:52) Daddy: okay 1) i'm not your dad i'd make a terrible parent
(14:52) Daddy: 2) keiji said we can add usuri back but
(14:52) Daddy: he has to behave himself and i have to bake keiji cookies
(14:52) Daddy: 3) idk how to bake
(14:52) halfpint: bet thousand yen usuri does
(14:52) halfpint: hes into that gay shit
(14:53) futafuckme: he’s testing u miya
(14:53) Daddy: r u fr
(14:53) Daddy: so we can't add usuri back
(14:53) futafuckme: lmao no we can have player 11
(14:53) futafuckme: he’s testing if ur willing to learn how to bake for him
(14:53) Daddy: wut
(14:53) futafuckme: that would show Effort and Love and Loyalty
(14:53) Daddy: u sure ur not reading too much into it
(14:54) futafuckme: idk i used to test my bf like that
(14:54) Daddy: how’d that work out for you
(14:54) futafuckme: well,
(14:54) futafuckme: you see,
(14:54) futafuckme: fuck you, miya atsumu
(14:54) Daddy: no thanks, i still have a boyfriend
(14:54) NaCl: leave futakuchi alone
(14:54) Daddy: sorry futakuchi
(14:54) futafuckme: sure wtv love u
(14:54) Daddy: ily2
(14:54) NaCl: i hate usuri
(14:54) futafuckme: why does everyone hate him
(14:55) Daddy: hoshiumi and i don’t
(14:55) Daddy: sort of
(14:55) NaCl: “sort of”
(14:55) NaCl: he’s Next Level prick like Beyond Miya Atsumu Level prick
(14:55) Daddy: BUT HES SO FUN
(14:55) Mommy: He’s a bad influence.
(14:55) futafuckme: is he hot
(14:55) halfpint: i mean
(14:55) halfpint: i haven’t thought about it
(14:55) Mommy: No
(14:55) NaCl: he’s cute not hot
(14:56) futafuckme: pic
(14:56) NaCl:
(14:56) futafuckme: and didn’t u say u have a squish on him hoshi
(14:56) NaCl: what the fuck is a squish
(14:56) Daddy: care to explain why u have a picture of michiru in a bikini bottom and those nerd glasses from claires, shirabu?
(14:56) NaCl: no
(14:57) halfpint: a squish is like a friendship crush
(14:57) halfpint: like u wanna be close to someone but as a friend
(14:57) halfpint: u have it before u become friends
(14:57) Daddy: wow gay
(14:57) halfpint: SHUT UP MIYA UR LIKE A BAJILLION TIMEAZ GAYER THAN ME
(14:57) futafuckme: u know he says that shit just for ur reaction right
(14:57) halfpint: RIGHT IM NOT SUPPOSED TO GIVE THE BULLY WHAT HE WANTA MY BAD
(14:57) halfpint: BUT MIYAS SO ANNOYING
(14:57) Daddy: no, i’m not. idk what ur talking abt
(14:57) Mommy: You’re annoying.
(14:58) Daddy: :(
(14:58) futafuckme: y u gotta guilt trip ur bf with that sad emoticon
(14:58) Daddy: rxcuse me
(14:58) futafuckme: i mean i feel bad looking at that cute lil frowny face and i didn’t do shit so
(14:58) Daddy: fuck
(14:58) Daddy: KEIJI I DIDNT MEAN IT
14:58 Mommy has added 2.5braincells to The Spice Girls.
(14:59) 2.5braincells: Thanks for the warm welcome, sexy. ;)
14:59 Mommy has removed 2.5braincells from The Spice Girls.
(14:59) Mommy: I hate him.
(14:59) Daddy: keiji, please :(
(14:59) Daddy: i can’t live with a lock on the fridge :(
(14:59) Mommy: Fuck you.
(14:59) Daddy: i love you too
14:59 Mommy has added 2.5braincells to The Spicegirls.
(14:59) 2.5braincells: Am I back for good?
(14:59) Mommy: Unfortunately.
(14:59) futafuckme: hi, mr. usuri i’ve heard nothing but bad things
(14:50) 2.5braincells: WHAT?????!!!???!
(14:50) halfpint: usuri is a good person off the court guys
(14:50) Mommy: You’re lying, Hoshiumi.
(14:50) halfpint: IM SERIOUS
(14:50) halfpint: HE VOLUNTEERS AT A CAT SHELTER
(14:50) 2.5braincells: Fuck yeah, I do.
(14:50) 2.5braincells:
Here’s Felix. He has a tiny ass face, I just wanna eat him.
(14:50) Mommy: Please don’t eat any cats.
(14:50) 2.5braincells: OMG I WAS
(14:50) 2.5braincells: NOT LITERALLY
(14:50) 2.5braincells: I’m on a strict cum diet, thanks.
(14:50) 2.5braincells: And romaine lettuce.
(14:51) futafuckme: i feel like u would’ve gotten along w the old terushima
(14:51) NaCl: what do you mean “the old terushima”
(14:51) futafuckme: the pre-kawanishi terushima
(14:51) NaCl: oh the extra slutty terushima
(14:51) spice daddy: wtf are u talking about i still love cum and romaine lettuce
(14:51) spice daddy: i mean i can only get cum from 1 other cock but i still fucking love it
(14:51) 2.5braincells: I like you.
(14:51) spice daddy: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
(14:51) spice daddy: god u have no idea how long ive been waiting to say that
(14:52) 2.5braincells: I have three; I win.
(14:52) spice daddy: I USED TO HAVE 17 I AM THE SUPREME WINNER
(14:52) 2.5braincells: Fuck.
(14:52) #1: Who let Michiru in this chat?
(14:52) 2.5braincells: Your boyfriend.
14:52 #1 has removed 2.5braincells from The Spice Girls.
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(14:45) 2.5braincells: So… I feel like I’m a needle intruding in a whole tight-knit friendship circle.
(14:45) Yahaba: Then why are you still here?
(14:45) 2.5braincells: GOSH, your name is so familiar!
(14:45) 2.5braincells: I just can’t put my finger on where I know you from!
(14:45) Yahaba: Does anyone else really dislike the way he types?
(14:45) everything nice: yes
(14:45) mr. director: it’s amusing
(14:46) 2.5braincells: Always glad to entertain! ;)
(14:46) Yahaba: God, you’re such a cocksucker
(14:46) 2.5braincells: You see, mister Yahaba Shigeru, I think the term “cocksucker” should carry a positive connotation, and therefore, I thank you for your kind words!
(14:46) Yahaba: Use an exclamation point one more fucking time
(14:46) 2.5braincells: Your wish is my command!
(14:46) Yahaba: If you lived on the mainland, I would find you, and I would choke you
(14:46) 2.5braincells: Ooh, you’re kinky! What else would you do to me, daddy?
(14:46) NaCl: has anyone ever told you that you overuse the word “daddy”
(14:47) 2.5braincells: Your boyfriend.
(14:47) NaCl: jokes on you, i don’t have one as of two hours ago
(14:47) 2.5braincells: You and Osamu broke up?
(14:47) NaCl: what makes you think we were ever together
(14:47) 2.5braincells:
Me: Hi, fineass!
Osamu: I have a boyfriend.
Me: And his name is Usuri Michiru!
Osamu: No, it’s Shirabu Kenjirou.
Chat: Private Message (Miya Osamu and NaCl)
(14:47) NaCl: why does usuri think i’m your boyfriend
(14:47) Miya Osamu: Please lie for me.
(14:47) NaCl: you owe me
(14:47) NaCl: like, actually this time. u can't just send me pics of ur neighbors cat as compensation
(14:47) Miya Osamu: Sure thing.
Chat: The Spice Girls (#1, 2.5braincells, Daddy, everything nice, futafuckme, halfpint, Mommy, mr. director, NaCl, spice daddy, Yahaba)
(14:47) NaCl: right, i forgot i had another boyfriend
(14:48) 2.5braincells: I think you forgetting about him is proof you should hand him over to me.
(14:48) NaCl: no, fuck you
(14:48) 2.5braincells: Please, I’ve been so bored and thirsty since Wakatsu left!
(14:48) NaCl: take it up with the boyfriend
(14:48) futafuckme: wait
(14:48) futafuckme: shirabu had one boyfriend yesterday
(14:48) futafuckme: but today he got dumped and he still has one boyfriend
(14:48) futafuckme: america explain
(14:49) NaCl: shut up futakuchi you don’t know me
(14:49) futafuckme: i’m coming over and showing you just how well i know you
(14:49) NaCl: don’t you dare
(14:49) 2.5braincells: Forgive me if I’m mistaken, but I believe that’s code for “I’m going to fuck your brains out.” I’m confused. Isn’t Shirabu dating Osamu and that hot emo guy who graduated?
(14:49) Mommy: Yes, but Kenjirou and Futakuchi engage in intercourse once in a while. Together. We don’t talk about it.
(14:49) 2.5braincells: I know you hate me, Akaashi, and I get why after I tried to crush your spirit last year, but can we still be friends?
(14:50) Mommy: Not interested.
(14:50) 2.5braincells: :(
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(22:08) everything nice: anyone wanna hang outsaturday
(22:08) halfpint: hellyeah i do
(22:09) halfpint: whatcha wanna do
(22:09) everything nice: make memes of our friends and twerk on the street at ginza in fake gucci
(22:09) halfpint: solid also can we go to kuguris house j wanna pet his snakes again
(22:09) everything nice: fuck yeah
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(23:48) spice daddy: CAN I COME PLS
(23:48) futafuckme: isn’t that a question you should be asking kawanishi
(23:48) spice daddy: no kawanishi doesn’t care if i
(23:48) spice daddy: oh
(23:48) spice daddy: LOL FUCK YOU
(23:48) spice daddy: I DONT BEG I JUST WAIT FOR HIS PERMISSION
(23:49) futafuckme: you’re such a good boyfriend
(23:49) spice daddy: lmao what about u do u ask shirabu before u can come
(23:49) futafuckme: it’s not like that
(23:49) spice daddy: y the fuck u lying
(23:49) spice daddy: ur probably with him rn u horny fuck
(23:49) futafuckme: i didn’t mean we aren’t fucking; we obviously are, but i meant we don’t do that kinky shit
(23:49) spice daddy: BS
(23:49) spice daddy: BET U CHOKE HIM
(23:50) spice daddy: BET HE ASKS U TO
(23:50) NaCl:
yeah, and i fucking like it
(23:50) spice daddy: is that
(23:50) spice daddy: did u just send me whats supposed to be futakuchis hand around ur neck
(23:50) spice daddy: SHIRABU KENJIROU U WERE SO INNOCENT YESTERDAY WHAT HAPPENED TO U MY SWEET LIL BABY ALL GROWN
(23:50) NaCl: the first dose of dick changes you
(23:50) 2.5braincells: MUST BE NICE!
(23:50) spice daddy: ur cute id give u ur first dose of dick but im in a committed relationship
(23:51) 2.5braincells: :(
(23:51) futafuckme: what happened to ur 3 bfs
(23:51) 2.5braincells: A sad lie!
(23:51) futafuckme: sad
(23:51) futafuckme: i wanna make a sex tape and be like kim k
(23:51) NaCl: what the fuck is wrong with you it could end up ruining your life instead of making you like kim k
(23:51) futafuckme: why are we texting in a group chat when we r right next to each other
(23:51) NaCl: idk go home already
(23:51) futafuckme: you rly thought
(23:52) 2.5braincells: I know I’m not supposed to mention it, but isn’t Osamu upset about you and Futakuchi fucking, Shirabu?
(23:52) NaCl: gfy
(23:52) 2.5braincells: Someone please give me the rundown of relationship dynamics in this group chat.
(23:52) #1: Atsumu has been flirting with Akaashi since before the chat; they are now dating, and Yamamoto won the bet for how long it would take for them to get together. Akaashi is Atsumu’s tsundere, according to Komori. Ennoshita is in a happy, healthy relationship with Tanaka Ryuunosuke, but Futakuchi had a crush on him for a fleeting moment.
(23:52) #1: Futakuchi is in an open relationship with a frat boy named Kamasaki. They love each other very much but are bad at expressing it. Futakuchi has a crush on Shirabu. Shirabu apparently just got dumped by his ex Semi, whom he was in an open relationship with. He and Futakuchi have had sex multiple times whilst in open relationships. Before having his first boyfriend, Shirabu had a sexual encounter with Miya Osamu. Osamu is in unrequited love with Shirabu. They’re fake dating because Osamu doesn’t return your feelings —just Komori’s guess.
(23:53) #1: Terushima is dating Shirabu’s teammate, Kawanishi. He had a total of 32 boyfriends and girlfriends at once and now is down to one boyfriend. However, Terushima and Futakuchi still flirt. They do not engage in sexual acts as far as I know.
(23:53) #1: Hoshiumi has a crush on his friend, pineapple, whom he’s going to his winter formal with. Yamamoto is on and off with Kinoshita of Karasuno. Hoshiumi and Yamamoto act very gay with each other, but they’re just friends.
(23:53) #1: Yahaba is in a sometimes-happy, sometimes-unhappy relationship with Kyoutani, his teammate. They fight, but Yahaba says they love each other.
(23:53) #1: That’s the relationship run-down, from what I can see, that is.
(23:53) 2.5braincells: You’re so observant, Sakusa. Tell me who fucks with who.
(23:54) #1: The intelligent: Akaashi, Yahaba, Shirabu (arguably), and Ennoshita. The foolish: Terushima, Futakuchi, Hoshiumi, Yamamoto, and Atsumu.
(23:54) 2.5braincells: Which subgroup should I join?
(23:54) #1: Probably the one you already have two friends in.
(23:54) 2.5braincells: But I have two friends in each if we’re friends and you’re part of the Intelligent™, right??
(23:54) #1: We’re very loosely friends.
(23:54) 2.5braincells: But we’re still friends!!!
(23:54) #1: Komori says I shouldn’t be your friend, so goodnight.
(23:55) 2.5braincells: :( I miss you already.
(23:55) Daddy: go to sleep already usuri
(23:55) 2.5braincells: What are you doing up, kind sir?
(23:55) Daddy: eatin puddin
(23:55) 2.5braincells: Vanilla or chocolate?
(23:55) Daddy: mix
(23:55) 2.5braincells: Cool. How’s your brother?
(23:55) Daddy: usuri istg if u ask me about him 1 more time im blocking u on everything and then logging into all his socials and blocking u on his too
(23:56) 2.5braincells: WOW, it was just a QUESTION!!!!
(23:56) 2.5braincells: I’ll just thirst tweet at him then.
(23:56) Daddy: sounds like a plan
(23:56) 2.5braincells: Wanna come over this weekend and feed ducks bread?
(23:56) 2.5braincells: (Aka plan the downfall of our enemies)
(23:56) 2.5braincells: (And take a photo shoot for your Insta)
(23:56) 2.5braincells: Actually, can I come over?
(23:56) Daddy: yeah but u have to tell me why shirabu has a pic of u in a bikini
(23:56) 2.5braincells: Sure, but you have to tell me how you know my glasses were from Claire’s.
(23:57) Daddy: deal
(23:57) Daddy: just gotta make sure the bf’s okay w it first
(23:57) 2.5braincells: Has Akaashi turned you into such a neuter that you can’t make decisions on your own?
(23:57) Daddy: stfu
(23:57) Daddy: if u had a bf as fine as mine u wouldn’t wanna piss him off either
(23:57) 2.5braincells: I suppose you’re right. Help me find a boyfriend.
(23:57) Daddy: can we make u a tinder i’ve always wanted to swipe on one
(23:57) 2.5braincells: Yeah, I have nothing to lose except my dignity.
(23:58) 2.5braincells: Just kidding, my dignity’s long gone.
(23:58) Daddy: mood