Chapter Text
As their Host enters the study, Mr. Game & Watch shuts the door behind them. He immediately swivels to face Ike - who is standing and staring hard at the closed door - and sternly beeps at him to sit down.
“Alright, alright! No need to tell me twice.” The blue-haired swordsman sits back down in the uncomfortable plastic chair. He sighs, and then a blanket of awkward silence falls over the hall.
What a day.
Something like this was bound to happen. It happens every year - at least, it’s happened every year since Ike arrived. Smash’s contestants have a history of getting a bit too rowdy outside of the arena and as one might expect, this always inevitably leads to property damage. Personally, Ike didn’t see this as a big deal once he learned how quickly Master Hand and his squadron could fix things. Architecture, weapons, heirlooms, even people’s bodies… he doesn’t know how, but the swordsman had personally seen all such things get fixed overnight. So that’s why Ike typically didn’t view the Smashers’ frequent skirmishes as something to worry about. Why would they be, when nothing is being lost or irreversibly damaged?
But… for some reason he had been worried this time. He never had been with the property of the last two hosts - Tabuu never made any complaints about the Smashers’ behaviour and let them do whatever they wanted. The previous host was a different story, but they were clearly rich enough that even without Master Hand’s sorcery they should’ve had nothing to worry about when replacing and rebuilding things. Plus the way they carried themselves and treated other people… a guy like that is bound to get on anyone’s nerves…
However, from the moment Ike laid eyes on this year’s host, he could tell this one was vastly different from the last two. They had this perpetual panicked look in their eyes, like they were scared of something going wrong at any moment. And yet… they somehow seemed to be getting along with the Bowsers. Even though he offered his help, they rejected it, and in that brief moment he saw something deeper in those eyes. A kind of confidence and determination.
Ike glances at the seats beside him. Bowser sighs dramatically, bored, as he twiddles his thumbs. Junior sighs as well but then suddenly remembers something, reaching into his shell and pulling out a PS Vita with a snicker.
After that encounter, Ike had run into Samus and Lucario in the halls, both of whom had interesting things to say about their host.
“They’re funny,” Samus had said, cracking a smile. “The second I laid eyes on them I figured they’d just be a pushover - maybe fun to mess around with. But that changed when I saw them pick up a paintball gun and shoot DK and Diddy off the roof. None of our past hosts really wanted anything to do with us, so it’s cute to see them get involved in all our madness. But I have a feeling they don’t really have anything else to do, haha.”
The previous hosts were not like that. They had multi-million dollar multiverse corporations to take care of.
“This world… is not like the others we’ve been to.” Lucario had looked particularly troubled while they were sharing their own findings. The aura Pokemon had arrived today as well, and yet had already noticed a number of oddities. “It’s as if… this world itself and our host… have a very special relationship. That’s what the aura is telling me.”
Whether Lucario didn’t know the details or simply didn’t want to elaborate was beyond anyone’s knowledge. But with this new information, and seeing the ghastly look on their host’s face when they came to meet Master Hand in the study, Ike decided something. For the time being, he was going to help protect whatever it was about this place that the Host holds dear. He hasn’t known them for very long, but he feels confident that they’re not a bad person.
Bowser sighs again, louder this time. Sitting across from him with his arms crossed, Ganondorf scoffs.
“Quiet down, you blithering fool. I can barely hear myself think.”
“OH YEAH?” Bowser growls, easily spurred on by his rival’s words. “What are you thinking about then??”
The Gerudo man grins deviously. “My victory in the new tournament, of course.”
“HA! GET REAL!” Bowser guffaws loudly - too loud, really. While he's sure Master Hand's office is soundproof, Ike’s imagines that anyone on the storey below could probably hear the Koopa King's voice. “You haven’t even come CLOSE to winning a tournament since Melee!”
“Pah. It seems you forgot about Brawl.” Although his tone is still confident, Ganondorf’s expression looks annoyed. “I made it to the semi-finals in Singles.”
“YEAH, then that wimpy little Greenie ROASTED you!”
Bowser Jr. looks up from his game to beam devilishly at the Gerudo king. “You lost to LUIGI?! Heeheeheehee! That’s SO lame! That guy is soooo weak!”
Ganondorf is silent for a moment, expression sour. He uncrosses his arms and leans forward a bit. “Boy, did your father ever tell you about how that ‘weakling’ carried him through the Melee Doubles tournament?”
“WHAT?!” Bowser stops laughing, panicking when his son looks up at him in disbelief. “N-No! I’ve told you the story, right?? It was the other way around!!”
“That’s not how I remember it.” Ganondorf is grinning now. “I happened to see most of your fights. In each one he was averaging five kills in a three-stock match. You, on the other hand, had trouble even getting one… In fact, you often got in his way and sent him to his demise.”
Bowser snarls and leaps from his seat. Mr. Game & Watch beeps angrily and waves his flag. The Koopa King huffs as he sits back down.
“...The finals of that tournament,” Snake says, finally speaking after being silent for so long, “you were in them too, weren’t you, Ganondorf? Paired with Donkey Kong.”
“That I was. I see you’re as knowledgeable as always.”
Snake grunts in acknowledgement. After listening to all of this, Ike can’t help but smile, amused.
“So you’re saying… you were beaten by Luigi two years in a row.”
That wipes the grin off his face. Bowser chuckles, appeased.
“Yeah, he was! How about instead of talking about your ONE tournament win all the time, you talk about THAT more often! If it happened twice then that means it’s more important than something that happened once, right? Bwhahaha!” The big turtle man scratches his nose, smug. “The only reason I don’t brag about how AWESOME I was in Melee Doubles is because I’d rather focus on TODAY than something that happened fifteen years ago!! Who CARES how I did back then - I’m gonna be better than ever in Ultimate!!!”
“You said it, dad!” Junior cheers.
“We’ll see about that,” Ganondorf grumbles, crossing his arms again and leaning back in the chair. “You won’t be so tough when you drop in the tournament with a penalty.”
Practically choking from the laughter, Bowser’s jaw drops. “WHAT? Me, get the penalty?? That’s RICH! Why would I be getting one when everything was YOUR fault?”
“Everything, you say? You’re saying I’m the one who burned the hall until it was charred black?”
“W-Well! I’m not the one who sliced that huge painting in half!”
“I wasn’t either.”
Both Bowser and Ganondorf look at Ike. The blue-haired swordsman glances back and forth between them before exhaling softly.
“I’m ready to accept whatever punishment comes my way.”
“Hmph. How graceful of you. If only certain others had that same amount of grace when confronted with their loss.”
“I’M GETTING REAL SICK OF YOU!” Bowser roars, getting out of his seat again. Mr. Game & Watch tries to tell him to sit down, but the Koopa King stomps angrily and drowns out his beeping. “Loss this, win that, none of that matters when the host was THERE and KNOWS you were the one who started the fight!!!”
A simple grin and chuckle combination is the response. “Was I now?”
“Err… yeah! Yeah, you definitely were!!” It’s clear that Bowser doesn’t actually remember.
“This is pointless,” Snake sighs. “It doesn’t matter who started it or who did the most damage. What matters is how spiteful our host is feeling. If seeing their mansion damaged like that made them cry, then…”
He says nothing further, the implications clear. Regardless of who did the most damage, they'll all get penalties if the Host is completely overcome with grief. The hall is silent. Bowser starts to look a little awkward - perhaps he... feels bad about what happened? Mr. Game & Watch politely asks Bowser to sit down. Before he can however, his son jumps and stands on his chair, pointing at Snake.
“Waaaait a minute! Wasn’t it YOU who blew everything up and made the biggest mess of all??”
Snake remains perfectly calm, grunting in response. “Yeah. Yeah I was.”
Bowser ponders this for a moment and then… realization lights up his face, quickly shifting to anger. “SO THEN IT’S YOUR FAULT THAT WE’RE ALL GETTING A PENALTY!!!”
“What are you-- grrrk!” With a roar, Bowser lunges at Snake and starts throttling him. Junior jumps in, angry as well, and the three of them begin to brawl. Toon Link snaps awake from the noise and looks around wildly, spotting the fight and eagerly jumping in without a second thought. Mr. Game & Watch frantically joins, trying futilely to split the four up. Ganondorf remains in his seat, laughing maniacally as he spectates.
Ike watches from the sidelines, both in disbelief and also… not surprised at all.
Heh. He’s glad to be back at Smash.
Suddenly, the door to the study slams open, startling everyone into freezing the fight for a brief moment.
“THIS HOUSE IS NOT FOR SALE!!”
Crazy Hand emerges from the study with a war cry, grabbing the nearest chair and lunging for the gaggle of Smashers. Everyone tries to split up to avoid him, but the hallway is too narrow! Crazy smacks everyone with the chair - including Ike and Ganondorf, the latter of whom falls from his seat and onto the ground in shock - and while everyone is stunned, he uses all the chairs to construct a cage around all seven Smashers in the hall. Ike is pretty sure this is somehow more chairs than were actually in the hall. Where did the extra ones come from?!
Mr. Game & Watch beeps angrily and shakes his flat little fist at the prison bars. Why is he in here too?!
“I’ve vowed to protect the Host from the world’s greatest evils!” Crazy announces, doing a saluting motion. “You will remain here in JAIL as penance for your crimes against humanity! Ha hoo hah!”
Crazy Hand starts patrolling the hall, leaving the seven Smashers cramped together in the makeshift cage. No matter how much they all combine their strength, the chairs don’t budge. Escape is futile.
Toon Link falls asleep again.
Snake sighs and reaches into his pocket to pull out a new cigarette and lights it. “Now we’re in an even worse situation, thanks to you guys.”
Simultaneously Bowser, Junior, Ganondorf, and Mr. Game & Watch yell at the special agent:
“THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!!!” “It’s your fault!” “This is all YOUR fault.” “Beep beep beep!”
“I agree with them actually,” Ike says to Snake. “Everything is your fault. Seriously, using explosives indoors? What were you thinking?”
Snake hums in thought and calmly takes a drag from his cigarette. He says nothing while the others in the cage begin to bicker again. Crazy Hand comes over to yell at them to be quiet.
Everyone is still trapped when the Host finally emerges from the study. They take one, long baffled look at the situation before laughing to the point of tears.