Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Kaikaia Grif was not a woman with many concerns in her life. She had a stable job as a waitress, her flirtatious nature and ample bust garnering her plenty of tips and free drinks; a group of great friends who have been with her and her brother since college; and amazing luck when it came to avoiding STDs. Her concerns were not misplaced, however, when the timer on her phone went off. She has done this her fair share of times before, and seen that innocuous-looking plus sign more than she would like. Running her fingers through her bangs, she let out a long frustrated “fuuuuuuuuck”. Sighing, she opened up her text app and typed out the news, her long nails clacking against the screen.

“Heads up; Dex is gonna be pissed as fuck at you.”

“Me? What did I do!?”

“Well, me for starters ;P”

“Bow chicka wow wow”

“XD”

“No but seriously what did I do?”

Kaikaina responded by taking a picture of the positive pregnancy test and sending it to Tucker.

“...”

“…you’re fucking with me right? You got that pic on the internet or something?”

“Fraid not. Your sperm has penetrated my mighty birth control fortress”

“Well maybe you shouldn’t buy your birth control from the same guy who sells you bootleg DVDs”

“Hey! I already told you I stopped doing that! Now I buy it from the guy who sells me weed!”

“…”

“What!? They’re both drugs!”

“Never mind. Hold on, I feel weird talking about this over text. Let me call you.”

A few moments later, Kai’s phone started ringing.

“Hey Tuck! So, how are things?”

“Pregnant, apparently. Kai, how are you so sure it’s mine?”

“Process of elimination. You’re the only person I’ve slept with recently who A.) has a penis and B.) isn’t sterile. Sorry bud, there’s a bun in the oven and it looks like you’re the chef.”

“Great, just great. Well now what do we do?”

“…What I always do when I get pregnant?”

“You’re not aborting my kid! …Well, I mean I guess if you want to I can’t make you not but…fuck, I don’t know. Do you think I’d be a good father?”

“Wait, you actually want this kid?”

“I mean I guess…It’s…weird to think about.”

Kaikaina drifted a curious hand to her as-of-now flat stomach. “I’ve never carried a pregnancy to term before” she mused. “I’d be an awful mom.”

“See, I’d politely disagree here but no, I think that’s pretty spot-on.”

“Hey! Only I can make fun of my non-existent parenting skills!” she laughed.

There was a silence on both sides of the line.

“So…we’re keeping it then?”

“Yeah…yeah, I guess so.”

“Well in that case, have fun in nine months; Auntie Kai has a strict ‘No-Returns’ policy. Oh and Tucker?”

“Yeah?”

“You’re telling Dexter.”

Kaikaina hung up laughing, cutting off Tucker’s noise of upset.

Kaikaina Grif, pregnant? Not unheard of in the slightest.

Kaikaina Grif choosing to stay pregnant? Now that was sure to cause a stir.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Thanks again for helping me paint. Everything is already in the spare room. ...I guess I'll have to start calling it the kid's room soon, huh?"

Church nodded. "No problem man, it's the least I can do after you helped me move. One question though-why is the pregnant lady helping us paint?"

Tucker looked at Kai. "Yeah, why are you helping us paint? Isn't that bad for the baby?"

Kaikaina laughed. "Oh, I'm not helping you guys paint! I'm going to watch you guys paint, and tell you when you missed a spot. Oh, and also stare at your butts. That too. Watching guys work is hot!" 

Church rolled his eyes.

"Listen, I have been sober and celibate for the better part of 6 months; I need to get my entertainment somehow!"

While all of this was going on, Tucker was opening the paint cans and pouring them out into the roller trays. "The walls are already white, so I don't think we need primer, which is good"

Church looked at the paint his friend was pouring out, and gave him a questioning look. "I though you said you were painting it a gender-neutral color?"

Tucker shrugged. "Blue is gender neutral."

"Bl-It's not even blue! It's like...what is this, teal? Aqua?"

"Whatever Church," Kai interrupted, "it's not a girl anyways." Church just shrugged, but Tucker looked hurt. 

"Wha-Kai! I though you said you didn't want the doctor to tell you the gender?" 

"I know-But I can just tell. When I was little, mom told me that when you have a boy you crave sweet food and when you have a girl you crave bitter food; plus, when you're carrying low, it's a boy. So yeah-totally a boy."

"Kaikaina, that's all bullshit and everyone knows that."

"Shows how much you know Church!" Kai argued, crossing her arms over her pregnant stomach. "Mom had me and my brother, so she had a frame of reference! Besides, I googled it and like every blog I looked at said it was true. And also that I shouldn't eat fish, and I was like whatever, I don't even like fish that much."

 "Yeah, ok, well we have a lot of not-blue to get on these walls, so-"

"Church. It's blue"

"Looks grey to me."

"Kai, you're colorblind."

"So?"

Tucker shook his head, smiling.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"He's so...tiny."

"Yeah, well, he didn't feel that way." Kai laughed, taking the child back from Tucker to nurse it. "Still gonna saddle him with a name like Lavernius?"

"It's a good name!"

Kai just smiled and shook her head. "Lavernius Tucker the...what, third?"

"Fourth" he corrected.

"Fourth. How about 'Junior' for short? I mean, it's not a great name but it's better than Lavernius"

"Stop making fun of my name!"

"I'll stop making fun of it when it stops sucking so much!"

Tucker sighed, before smiling and looking back down at the child-his child. There was a comfortable silence, filled only by the ambient sound of the hospital and Junior's soft cooing.

"Wanna let the others in?" he asked finally.

Kai nodded. "Yeah. Dex is probably yelling at, like, every doctor he can find" she giggled. 

Tucker paused next to the door to the waiting room, catching his friend's conversation before opening it.

"For God's sake Caboose, you're in your twenties; the stork isn't real!"

"Actually Church, the stork is a real animal, it just doesn't deliver babies."

"Simmons?"

"Yeah?"

"You're not helping!"

Tucker sighed at his friend's inane bickering, resigning himself to the flood of questions and congradulations that awaited as he opened the door. 

Chapter Text

Church held the child carefully, trying to mask how unsure he felt about not dropping it. "Wow. He's..."

"Adorable?"

"I was gonna say ugly, actually, but y'know...whatever floats your boat."

Tucker frowned. "Well, you better start thinking he's the cutest damn kid in the world because you and Tex are the godparents."

Church jerked his head to look at Tucker incredulously, and for a tense moment he was worried his friend would drop the baby. "What!?"

Tucker shrugged. "It was either you or Caboose, and I'm pretty sure as it stands his IQ is lower than my newborn's. Besides, he has that rehabilitated fighting dog he's so in love with, and I'm not too confident in the 'rehabilitated' part. M'not letting that thing near my kid-or me for that matter."

"We were never consulted on that!" he yelled. Junior stirred, but didn't seem too perturbed by it. Good. With his group of friends, being used to yelling would be necessary. 

"Actually, I was". 

Both men jumped as the blonde woman entered the room. "Jesus, my kid has a ninja for a godmother!"

Church turned "Why are we the godparents! Doesn't that imply, like, religion or something?"

"It means that if I finally give in to my urges to murder Tucker, we get to be his kid's new parents."

"Wha-C'mon Allison, you know I don't want a kid!"

Tex ignored him. "Give me him, you're holding his head wrong." Tex swept Junior from Church's hands in one fluid motion, holding him much more confidently. 

"Where'd you learn to take care of kids?" Tucker asked.

Tex shrugged. "I used to babysit my neighbor's kids a lot. S'how I got money for car parts."

It was a little strange seeing Tex holding the child like that, mainly because of how oddly natural it looked. She was by no means one to put off a nurturing vibe, but she looked sort of like a mother grizzly bear. Loving, motherly, and ready to rip off someone's head at a moment's notice. 

"Kaikaina's his mom, why isn't she the godmother..." Church faltered, realizing the idiocy of that statement."Ok, well, she has a brother..." Try again, he thought. "And his boyfriend..." Wow Leonard, wow. 

Church conceded. "Ok, yeah, actually I see why I was the only choice."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The past few months of Lavernius Tucker's life has been...not hell, exactly, but not easy. Between his friends coming in and out to see the child (and it wasn't until now Tucker realized how noisy and strange most of his friends are. Then again, they had met while half-assing an ongoing prank war between the two lowest-rung fraternities on campus, so they were bound to be comprised of misfits.) and the wonderful life of single-parenthood (AKA you are not allowed to sleep for the next few years), he felt run just about ragged. So, when "The Purple Team" (and he can't believe they still call themselves that) offers to babysit (because "he needs to spend time with his uncles Tucker! And I've seen you, you're dead on your feet!") he's quick to agree. Doc and Donut practically babysit Caboose every day of their lives. Doc worked at a hospital (in the hospice ward, but still). Even Caboose, the dumbass of dumbasses, managed to keep that dog of his alive. They should be totally ok with a kid, right? 

Right?

Tucker was never a religious man, but as his doorbell rings he feels like praying. Dear lord, please do not make me regret this decision. All of my friends are insane but these ones are at least nurturing.

He hands his son to Doc, because Donut has a box in his hands and Caboose is just...no. 

"We brought him a present, since Kai didn't want a baby shower and you're not getting him christened." Doc explained, shifting his weight mechanically, remembering from a class he took how one was supposed to hold a baby. He'd never really done it before, but he got the little paper card from his camp counselor in 8th grade that said he knew how to babysit, so clearly he must. "We felt like he ought to get something anyways. I guess it's kind of a "welcome to the world" present."

Donut handed Tucker the box, positively beaming. Inside was a knitted baby blanket; very soft, good quality, and, most obviously of all, light pink. 

Tucker faltered. It was a nice present, but-"You know I have a son, right?"

Donut rolled his eyes. "Of course I do, Tucker. That's why the blanket's red. It you had a girl I would've used lavender." he said, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

"No, no this is clearly pink."

"Tucker, I am an interior designer. I think I know what red looks like. It's just...really light, because it's for a baby. Pastel colors." He waved his hand dismissively. Tucker decided it wasn't worth arguing. The blanket was well made, by someone who he called a friend (or at least a life partner of one of his friends, which made him a sort of friend by extension), and it's not like Junior would care. He's pretty sure infants can't even see in color for the first few...somethings, anyways. Weeks? Months? Maybe that was dogs. Hell, Kai's colorblind, maybe Junior is too. 

"I helped make it!" Caboose interjected.

Donut smiled at him. "Yes you did; and you did a very good job."

A worried expression crossed Tucker's face. "Not to sound ungrateful but, exactly how did Caboose help"

"Mikey likes to hold the yarn when Franklin knits" Doc answered. "It gives him something to do. Otherwise, he's like a cat. Yarn absolutely everywhere." 

Tucker nodded. "Uh-huh. Well then. Um, you all have my phone number, emergency numbers on the fridge, Kai's been pumping so there's bottles for him in the fridge...shit, one of you is a doctor I shouldn't be this worried about leaving my kid with you."

"Well, technically I'm a nurse..."

"It's just...I literally haven't been without this kid since he was born, you know?" Tucker continued, ignoring Doc's objection. "Kai, Tex, and Church watch him while I work sometimes, but I'm still just in the other room." He ran his fingers through his hair. 

Doc handed Junior to Donut and placed a hand on Tucker's shoulder. "Listen Tucker; I understand that you're upset by the idea of leaving Junior. But you need to understand that he's going to be just fine. Anything terrible that could happen to him would happen if you were here or not!" 

Tucker frowned. There was something hidden in there that was meant to be reassuring, he was sure of it.

Donut smiled apologetically. "I think what Frankie means is that we're not going to let anything preventable happen to Junior; so don't worry!" 

"Exactly!"

"I am not allowed to hold the baby unless I sit very still, because a baby is not a puppy and I might hurt it" Caboose pointed out, parroting something he was no doubt told in the car. At least he thought he was helping. 

"Yeah...good job Caboose..." At least he seemed to understand he should be careful with the kid. That was something at least. 

"Do you want to hold him?" Donut asked. Caboose nodded, and looked to Tucker for permission. 

"Might as well, while I'm still here. You'll just do it when I leave anyways."

"Thank you Tucker!" Caboose responded, pulling Tucker into an unrequited and bone-crushing hug.

"Just...sit on the floor, that way you cant drop him too bad." 

Caboose nodded, sitting down exactly where he was just standing with a thud! Donut smiled, crouching down next to him and slowly handing him Junior. Much to Tucker's surprise, Caboose sat very still and held Junior correctly without prompting. He knew he took care of animals a lot, but he never thought it would make him adept at human babies. 

"Tucker" Caboose 'whispered'. "Tucker I think he likes me. He is hugging me with his mouth."

Upon closer inspection, Junior was gnawing at the man's arms with his gums.

"Caboose, dude, I don't think he's hugging you. I think he's trying to bite you."

"No. No, he is definitely hugging me. Hello Junior. I like you too." He looked up from the child excitedly. "Donut. Doc. I have made a new friend. And he is very small. And does not have fur."

 Donut looked at Caboose and then at Tucker.

"I think we'll be just fine here." he laughed. "Go, have fun" he shooed Tucker out the door.

"Call me if there's a problem?"

"Of course. Now scoot."

Tucker smiled as he closed the door.  Maybe this wasnt such a bad idea after all.

Yeah, he thinks, ignoring the loud crash he hears from the general vicinity of his apartment as he unlocks his car.

Great idea. 

Chapter Text

North sighed and ran his fingers through his hair, exasperated but ultimately patient. "C'mon kiddo, you gotta go to school sometime."

Theta tightened his grip on his father's leg. "No I don't"

North raised an eyebrow. "Oh? Well then how are you going to learn everything?"

Theta pondered this. "Delta can teach me; he's older so he already knows it, plus he already taught me a card trick!"

North shook his head and chuckled. "Well Theta, you do make a compelling argument." He reached down and released his son's grip on his leg, turning to face him and crouching down to his level. "But I'm afraid that's not quite how this works." North placed a comforting hand on Theta's shoulder. "Tell ya what, I'll walk you to your classroom, and stay with you until you find someone you can be friends with. Does that sound ok?"

Theta nodded, taking his father's hand and walking into the building, keeping close to his side. 

"I'm gonna talk to your teacher, ok? You go make some friends; I'll be right here if you need me."

"Ok daddy", he agreed, although he appeared reluctant to let go of North's hand. 

"You must be Theo's father, then?"

North turned to face the teacher, shaking his hand. "Yeah. He's more likely to answer to Theta though."

"Theta?"

North chuckled. "Yep. He couldn't really pronounce Theo for a while, you know how kids are, it sounded like he was saying Theta. I guess it just kind of stuck."

The teacher chuckled. "Well, I'll keep that in mind."

North continued talking to the teacher; Theta, meanwhile, had found some blocks to play with. He was supposed to be trying to make friends, but he wasn't really sure how. 

"Hi. I like the skateboard on your shirt." Theta looked up. A boy holding a plastic TRex was standing next to him, watching him stack blocks with apparent interest. "Can I play blocks with you? Daddy says I have to stop biting people."

"You bite people?"

"Sometimes. Mostly Uncle Caboose, but Daddy says its funny when I bite him."

Theta wasn't too sure of that. Still, the boy seemed nice enough. 

"My name's Theta."

"Mine's Junior". Taking the exchange of names as an invitation, Junior sat down next to the brunette child and started stacking blocks into his own pile.

Theta looked over at Junior. "Let's build a real big one together. And then your Trex can knock it over!"

Junior's smile lit up huge. "Yeah!" 

Minutes later, Theta felt his father's hand on his shoulder. 

"Looks like you made a friend after all."

"Yeah! His name is Junior and he has a Trex!"

"Sounds awesome Theta. Daddy has to go to work soon though, are you gonna be ok here until I get back?"

Theta nodded. "Yup! Junior and I are building a city!"

"And then the TRex will destroy it!" Junior added.

"Yeah!"

North chuckled. "Sounds fun kiddo. Love you."

"Love you too daddy!" 

 North smiled, confident that Theta and his new friend would get along fine.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"So which one is yours?"

North turned to look at the man next to him in the group of parents waiting for their children. "Theta. brown hair, dark blue eyes-I swear they look purple in some lighting. And you?"

Tucker nodded. "Junior. He looks... he looks almost exactly like me, actually. His...well, I guess she's still his mom isn't she, his mom's Hawaiian, he got her eyes." 

North looked harder at Tucker's face, and quickly realized. "I think I met your kid, actually. Theta didn't want to go in, so I went in with him."

"No shit?"

"Yeah. He seemed like a good kid."

Tucker chuckled. "Key word seemed."

North laughed. The two made small talk for a little while, until the children were dismissed to their parents. The crowd of children rushed out, barely contained by their teachers, and it was evident that the crowd would have to thin before they could spot their sons.

 "Hey, I never got your name." North realized.

"Oh yeah. Just call me Tucker. You?"

"North."

"Well North," Tucker laughed, "it looks like you've got a friend."

North looked down to where Tucker indicated, now noticing Theta was once again hiding behind his leg. This time though, he didn't seem scared. In fact, he was giggling like crazy. He also didn't stay for long, darting away when he noticed Junior fast encroaching. 

Tucker snagged Junior by his shirt just as he was running past, stopping the child short. 

"Hi daddy. I made a new friend. His name is Theta and he-ack!" Theta slammed into the other child, attempting to stop short and not quite  stopping quick enough. The two boys fell on top of each other laughing. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

York finished unbuckling Theta's car seat and placed him on the ground of the front yard, handing him off for Tucker and North to take him inside.

"I'll bring Junior in in a minute, ok? You go play with Delta."

"Ok Uncle York!"

Theta ran across the front lawn to the door, where Delta appeared to be waiting patiently.

"Hello Theta."

"Hi Delta! Guess what I did today!"

Delta paused, looking almost as though he was considering it as a legitimate question. Tucker couldn't tell if he really was, or if he was making a joke.

"I don't believe I have enough information to make an accurate guess on that." he concluded, the barest hint of a smile showing on his face. Theta laughed. It had been a joke then, something between the two of them.

"Well I guess I'll just have to tell you then!"

"I suppose so."

The two walked together onto the porch, Theta going on about the book he read in the library about space. Delta listened intently, seeming to act far too adult for only 7. He was autistic, apparently, and Tucker had been told this; still, it caught him off guard.

"He talks like an adult." Tucker commented.

North nodded. "He's been like that basically since he could talk. And he learned how to do that early."

Junior ran up to meet them soon, followed by York close behind.

"Have a little trouble with the car seat again?" a woman's voice teased, as though this were a common occurrence.

Tucker looked up to the doorway to see the source of the voice, a redhead whom he could only assume to be Carolina.

"It isn't my fault they make them so hard to undo! Besides, it was Junior's seat. I've never had to deal with that one before, so I get a pass."

Carolina rolled her eyes. "My husband's a locksmith and he can't unbuckle a car seat". Still, she smiled.

"Hey, those are completely unrelated concepts!" 

The woman chuckled. "Oh, you know I'm just teasing". 

Carolina and Tucker were introduced quickly, and the four soon launched into amiable conversation. Their children, it seemed, were having similar luck.

"My name's Junior. D'you like dinosaurs? Theta said you like dinosaurs." 

"Nu-uh! I said he liked lizards." 

"Yeah, well, dinosaurs are just big lizards!" he countered.

Delta ignored the minor argument. "Hello Junior. I am Delta. And, yes, it would be accurate to say dinosaurs are 'big lizards', although some say they are more closely related to birds."

Junior smiled. "See! I like the T-Rex cause it's got sharp teeth!" Junior bared his teeth to indicate.

Delta looked amused. 

"Wanna play legos? Delta makes these huge towers, I have no idea how he does it!"

"It's really quite simple, Theta. The base just needs to be made wide enough to support the desired height."

Junior considered this for a moment. "Let's build a space ship!" he suggested.

Theta smiled excitedly. Delta smiled as well, in that subdued way of his. 

"I'll get the blocks".