Chapter Text
Extracts from Elizabeth Schuyler's diary
15 August 1773
[...] My dear sister got into another fight with our father. Daddy does not like it when she reads books that are not suitable “for young ladies”. He thinks we shouldn't read about politics or philosophy. Angelica usually sneaks into the library while Peggy and I distract Father, but today he saw right through us. From now on the library will be always locked and Angelica is not allowed to read anything, not even literature. She did not cry, she is always so strong. But she refuses to talk to Daddy. […]
18 August 1773
[...] Father has chosen a husband for Angelica. She is only sixteen, but Father says it's time for her to meet him. She thinks this is his revenge, but I think Daddy just wants the best for her. The problem is nobody knows what is the best for Angelica, only her. Our father, I fear, will never understand her. He never listens. She told me several times that she had been born in the wrong body. She said she had the mind of a man, but her female body and obligations prevent her from achieving her dreams. My heart aches for her because I am afraid she will never be truly happy. [...]
22 August 1773
[...] John Barker Church came to our home today. We had lunch together where he and Angelica had the chance to get to know each other. He seemed soft-spoken and intelligent, but it was clear he held conservative beliefs regarding women. I begin to believe that Father did, in fact, choose him because he would be able to restrict Angelica. I have never seen my sister so angry and helpless before. And for the first time since I can remember, she cried herself to sleep. Peggy and I tried to comfort her but to no avail. [...]
Eliza was sitting at her desk writing in her journal when she heard a soft knock at the door. She closed the book in case it was her father and turned towards the entry.
“Come in!”
Angelica stepped quickly into the room, wearing a determined expression that never meant any good.
“I need to talk to you, Eliza.” Her voice was slightly shaky, but insistent all the same. She had a crumpled letter in her hand.
“Of course, we can sit on the bed.” She took her sister by her free hand and pulled her down beside her. Angelica was silent for a few moments and Eliza did not want to hurry her.
“Eliza, I can't marry John Church. I can't be the wife of someone like that.” She took a shaky exhale. “That's why I am going to run away.”
Eliza stopped breathing.
“W-what? Angelica, you cannot be serious.” Her voice was slightly hysterical, but she didn't care. She couldn't be serious. She wouldn't leave Eliza.
“I am. I want to go to King's College and be more than an obedient wife to a husband I don't even love. And I could not ever love him, Eliza. I would not be happy as his wife.”
“But how would you go to college? You are still a woman.”
“I already wrote a letter to the academy under a false name, and they were impressed.” She handed the letter to Eliza. “I just need to pretend I am a man.”
“I-I… You can't leave us. We need you, we love you.” She felt tears in her eyes threatening to spill over. She squeezed her sister's hand.
“I am so sorry, Eliza. I promise I will be back someday, and until then I will write you letters regularly. I don't want to leave you and Peggy either, but I have to.”
Eliza knew her sister better than anyone else in the world. She knew she was as stubborn as their father, and that she wouldn't have come to her room if she didn't already make up her mind. She forced the growing dread in her heart away and nodded. “I will help you.”
Angelica’s frown finally disappeared and a glowing smile took its place. She embraced her sister tightly. “Thank you.”
Angelica’s plan included three major steps. Firstly, they had to go to the city under the pretense of buying a new dress for Eliza, as she recently had a growth spurt. There they bought male clothes (the clerk was easy to convince that they were buying gifts for their brother) and books that Angelica would need in the academy. Secondly, they needed to transform Angelica into a man. She was blessed with big breasts, so they had to restrict them with a cloth tightly tied around her torso. They needed to wait with cutting her hair until the very last day, but Eliza cut it shoulder-length and tied it back with a black ribbon. They couldn't do anything with Angelica's feminine face or voice, they just prayed everyone would mistake it for late blooming. Thirdly, they had to distract everyone to steal some money from their father and to gain time for Angelica to sneak out. Eliza pretended to faint, fortunately, her already pale face played in her favor, her father was extremely worried and nobody noticed that Angelica was missing until the next morning. But she was already long gone by then.
Three days later, Eliza got a letter from her “new friend” she met in the city.
My dearest Eliza,
I safely arrived at King's College. It is beautiful and the teachers are all educated and well-read! My roommates are nice, but I have to confess that it is still very foreign for me to sleep in the same room as three men. We have a common bathroom, so I usually have to wait until midnight to wash. I cannot deny that it is hard, Eliza, but it is worth it. Men finally listen to my thoughts and see me as their equal. I have friends that I can talk about politics and philosophy with!
But how are you, Eliza? How is Peggy and Father? Do they assume I got kidnapped or run away? Don't cry because of me, please. I am happy, but I don't want my own happiness to cost yours.
Your loving sister, Angelica
“It’s too late.” She whispered to herself. Her tears already soaked the letter.
Angelica was the first to wake and the last to go to bed. She needed time to tie down her breasts before any of her roommates woke up. Her roommates slept like the dead, so it wouldn't have been a problem. If it wasn't for one Alexander Hamilton.
He was the first classmate she met when she arrived a week ago, and he was restless . He was talking or writing non-stop and he seemingly never got tired enough to sleep. He never knew when to stop.
Angelica liked him nonetheless.
When she first stepped into their shared room, he was sitting at the desk, furiously writing something. He looked up at her, and his gaze turned thoughtful.
“You strike me as a man who has never been satisfied.”
Angelica gaped at him.
“You are like me. I’m never satisfied.” His smile was friendly and his eyes were sparkling.
“Is that right?” She never met someone who truly understood her. Eliza knew her the best, but she didn't share her feelings.
“I have never been satisfied.”
Angelica stepped closer to him and stuck out her hand. “My name is Angel Schaller.”
“Alexander Hamilton.” He had warm, strong hands and a firm handshake.
They stared at each other for maybe a moment too long, hands still touching when their other two roommates barged in.
One of them was a huge man with a kind smile and the other a freckled man with curly hair. They were loud and happy and so different from what Angelica has seen her whole life. She looked back at Alexander who was staring at his right hand perplexed. When he caught her gaze, he quickly looked away.
She still caught him staring at her with that same perplexed expression from time to time. He usually avoided her after, and she had no idea why. Maybe he was onto her? She had to admit her facadé was not the best, it was a miracle nobody mentioned that she was suspiciously feminine.
Until now.
“Hey, Angel.” She was so deep in her thoughts that she didn't notice him sneaking up on her.
“Yes, Alexander?” He was staring again.
“You look so… girly. Have you gotten castrated?”
“I haven't, but you might if you say something like that again.” She scoffed. “At least I don't look like I am ten.”
“But you do look like a woman. Are you sure you are not one?” His voice was light and playful, but she still panicked a little.
“I am quite sure. Do you maybe want to see the evidence?” She had no idea where that came from, but hoped her fake bravado would be enough to get him off her tail.
Hamilton blushed. He spluttered something close to “no, I don't, I really don't” and honest to god ran away .
My dearest Eliza,
It's hard to believe but nobody found out my true identity yet. There is a boy who looks at me weirdly, but he seemed convinced when I assured him I am a man. This boy, Alexander, I really like him. He is clever and handsome and passionate about everything. And we are so similar. We share the same beliefs and opinions and he always listens when I speak and his eyes are… I am sorry, I forget myself. I am here to learn, not to fall for the first man who is kind enough to listen. But Eliza, his eyes!
If I met him under different circumstances, at a ball, for example, I would happily marry him. He is so different from John. I think he would understand me even if he knew I was a woman. But I met him here, he thinks I am a man, so he will never be mine.
I am sorry if I bore you, Eliza, I just had to tell someone. And I trust you. I hope you are well, I think about you and Peggy every day.
Your loving sister, Angelica
Eliza couldn’t help but smile at her sister’s words. It was rare anyone in their home was smiling these days. Philip was furious at first after he discovered what happened, he wanted to disown Angelica, but he relented thanks to Eliza and Peggy’s tireless begging. Anger quickly turned into sorrow, and soon the whole family was mourning the lost daughter. Peggy didn’t understand what happened, she still believed someone kidnapped Angelica and feared she would never ever return. Eliza often heard crying from her room. She knew she had promised Angelica she would keep her intentions a secret, but it became harder and harder every day.
Their father turned quiet. He wasn’t talking, eating, sleeping or doing anything really. Eliza often found him in Angelica’s room, sitting on her bed and staring into nothing. She felt unbelievably guilty, but she couldn’t betray Angelica’s trust.
That’s why she decided to write down everything to her.
Dear Angelica,
I am really happy for you. I am glad you finally found your place in the world. You deserve to be satisfied.
But Angelica, you have to understand that your departure broke the family. Peggy believes you are dead and Daddy just… you should see him, he is not himself. And me, I miss you so much, but I can live with it. I beg you to write to Daddy and Peggy. Please find a way to console them without telling them where you are. They deserve that much.
I want to meet your Alexander! I have never seen you so flustered before… he must be special. I know you think it’s not the time or place for romance, but if he really is that perfect for you, don’t let him go. If he truly understands you, he won’t tell anyone your secret.
Your loving sister, Eliza