Chapter Text
Here's a fact about Aizawa Shouta's life : he doesn't get laid. Life as a Pro-Hero isn't easy and it's difficult to make time in his schedule for even one-night stands, let alone a relationship.
Here's another fact about Aizawa Shouta's life : he wants to get laid. Because he's only a man and, sometimes, a man, even if he is a Pro-Hero, really needs to get dicked down once in a while to keep going.
Now, how should he solve that problem? Well, according to his two closest friends (who are, coincidentally, the two biggest idiots he has ever met), he has to either 1. Abandon his principles and finally bang one of his fellow teachers or 2. Just ask anyone on the street because, honestly Shouta, who wouldn't want to sleep with you?
Needless to say, he isn't very keen on following either of those advices.
So what is a teacher/Underground hero to do? Since he spends most of his time running from social interactions rather than partaking in them, the only thing he can think about, as he sits down in his apartment, staring blankly at the lack of one night stand in his bed, is online dating. Because online dating is safe, relatively anonymous and doesn't require much human contact. Plus, from what he has heard, especially on the account of one of the two friends previously mentioned, most of what anyone wants to do on these apps is to have sex, so he's pretty sure he can get what he wants rather quickly.
Introducing : Tinder.
Tinder is fast, impersonal and, since he isn't exactly looking to start a long-term relationship, exactly what he needs. He can swipe through pictures of men all he wants and judge them purely based on how much he wants to fuck them (or rather, get fucked by them) without feeling guilty about not reading their bio. Tinder is made to be used in a superficial manner, it's picture-based after all.
Since his ma always told him to put forwards his best qualities (she never did actually, most of their interactions included her yelling at him for something trivial and then a nearby object being thrown at his face) and he's a very good boy, he goes through what his qualities actually are. Turns out he doesn't have many. In fact, he only has one and it's currently sitting underneath his shirt, defined as always.
So, the first picture on his profile is one of his abs, and the second is a cropped version of the only selfie in his phone, one Hisashi had taken without him noticing, during one of their nights out drinking. He isn't at his best, with his hair a mess and dark bags visible under his eyes (not to mention the fact that he's completely smashed) but, at least, he isn't in a sleeping bag so it'll do. The only thing he needs it for is to prove that he's a real person and not just a random pic of abs stolen from Google, whether or not he looks good in it has nothing to do with it.
After some hesitation, he snaps a pic of his cat, Colonel Fluffster the Third, and adds it because, if someone ends up coming at his place, they better not be allergic to cats. Even though he's pretty desperate for a good cock, he'll still throw out anyone who dares disrespect the Colonel.
Then, since it's nearly four in the morning and he'll have to wake up at seven to go to work, so his sleep schedule is already fucked anyways, he decides to stay up for a while longer and check other profiles. Unsurprisingly, his abs being what they are, he gets a lot of matches, mostly from men who look about just as desperate as he does. After a good half-hour of swiping through pictures of civilians flexing their biceps and showing off their chests, he's about ready to try and go to sleep when he stops on another man's profile.
And, fuck.
He's slim.
And he's blonde.
Now, Shouta is an easy man to please, he'll take anyone, dark-haired, fair-haired, short, tall, of any build... But he has a thing-no- he has a Thing for slim blondes. It's the reason why he had a crush of five years on Hizashi, and it's the reason why, when he finds this last profile, he can't help but stop to look at it and raise his eyebrows slightly. As much as he hates himself for thinking this, because anything that reminds him that he once had a crush on Mic is something to be crushed and destroyed, this guy is exactly is type.
He's tall, obviously, and skinny, cutting a striking figure in the long coat he's wearing in his first picture, and he has natural blonde hair that speak either of a foreign heritage or of an apparence Quirk. When he clicks to see the rest of his pictures, Shouta can see his blue eyes and his absolutely blinding smile and that's when he knows that he's done for because, damn everything, he wants this man.
Yagi Toshinori, his bio says, 41, civilian, interested in : stupid cop TV shows, animals and cooking. Likes both men and women.
Stupid cop TV shows and animals, god, this man might be his soulmate.
Dazed from lack of sleep and an insufficient diet, Shouta takes a screenshot of Yagi's profile and sends it to the groupchat he shares with Nemuri, Hizashi and Tensei, adding in a cat emoji with hearts in its eyes and a "future husband lol" to explain the situation. Then, his eyes blurry and his body screaming at him to finally take a fucking nap, he swipes right, cries a bit internally when a match doesn't immediately appear, and then proceed to crash completely.
Of course, because he's an idiot, he forgets to set an alarm and ends up waking up three hours late and having to make up a bullshit excuse for why he missed school. Thankfully, last night's patrol brought him a few bruised ribs and scraps that served as an explanation for why he didn't come in right away. Sure, his willingness to go to the nurse’s office rewards him a few suspicious glances but, in the end, it's better than everyone knowing how much of a failed adult he is. He is just. So bad. At waking up.
Why do mornings even exist?
---
[hizashi ur ded to me]
11/16/2XXX, 4:06am
Mothman : [PIC]
Mothman : future husband lol
[hizashi ur ded to me]
11/16/2XXX, 8:12am
DrRobotnik : hmmm excuse me what teh fuck
DrRobotnik: ???
DrRobotnik : @leatherandchill @PerfectMan is this your doing?
DrRobotnik : did you corrupt my sweet boy shouta?
DrRobotnik : did you do this to him???
leatherandchill : lol no
leatherandchill : But I love where this is going
leatherandchill : they grow up so fast...
PerfectMan : is that Tinder?
PerfectMan : SHOUTA MADE A TINDER ACCOUNT AND DIDNT EVEN CALL ME
DrRobotnik : why would he call you tho
PerfectMan : first of all, rude
PerfectMan : second of all : I was there for his first kiss, therefore I have a right to be there for his second
DrRobotnik : what did shouta do to you...
PerfectMan : WE WERE SUPPOSED TO GO TO WORK TOGETHER AND HE DIDNT SHOW UP
leatherandchill : Maybe he hooked up with a hot Tinder guy ~
leatherandchill : and he's had his second kiss already
PerfectMan : If this is the case, then I shall smash the fellow's dick, as is my sworn duty.
leatherandchill : kinky
DrRobotnik : now thats epic
[hizashi ur ded to me]
11/16/2XXX, 10:34am
PerfectMan : shoutA WHERE ARE YOU
[hizashi ur ded to me]
11/16/2XXX, 11:02am
Mothman : fUCK
---
The first time Shouta has any time to check his newly created Tinder account is in the middle of his nightly patrol, which has proved to be quite boring so far. The life of an Underground hero isn't always exciting, as it turns out, and he spends an embarassingly large amount of time sitting on his ass and wishing he were at home cuddling with his cat, rather than fighting for his life and taking down organized crime, as some TV dramas would make him believe.
So, in between two cups of coffee and to stop himself from falling asleep on the edge of a roof, Shouta takes out his phone and checks to see if he has any matches and if one of these matches just happen to be the cute blond guy he noticed the night before.
He almost falls off the roof when he sees said cute blond guy's profile picture in his matches section and immediately clicks on it, then deflates when he realizes that, now that the easiest part is done, he has to actually talk to him like a normal person. For any other dude, he might have sent him a quick "wanna fuck?" or something equally sophisticated but, in this situation, he doesn't want to come off as a douche.
The guy's cute, alright?
In the end, he googles pick up lines and, in his caffeine-fueled mind, thinks it's a good idea to actually sends one. He's almost giggling by the time his thumb hits "send", then his eyes widen in horror as he realizes what he has done and he considers throwing himself off the roof.
Why is he so bad at this?
He stuffs his phone back into his pocket and finishes his patrol as quickly as he can before going home and crashing on his couch, not bothering to change his clothes and definitely not bothering to check Tinder to see if the blond guy has answered. In fact, he'll probably delete the app soon, he doesn't exactly wants to face the repercussions of his bad life choices right now.
But all of that can wait until tomorrow
---
Aizawa Shouta : If you were a fruit you'd be a fineapple.
Aizawa Shouta : wait
Aizawa Shouta : fuck
Aizawa Shouta : how do I delete this
Aizawa Shouta : all right, forget this happened or I'll kidnap your entire family
Aizawa Shouta : bye
Yagi Toshinori : Hello!
Yagi Toshinori : I'd rather you don't kidnap my entire family, to be honest.
Yagi Toshinori : Your cat is adorable! (ᗒᗊᗕ) What's her/his name?
Aizawa Shouta : oh my god
Aizawa Shouta : I'm very sorry, it was late and I wasn't thinking properly
Yagi Toshinori : It's fine, no harm done! (＾▽＾)
Aizawa Shouta : still
Aizawa Shouta : Also his name is Colonel Fluffster the Third
Yagi Toshinori : That's adorable!! o(´∀｀*)
Aizawa Shouta : thanks
Aizawa Shouta : I like your coat.
Aizawa Shouta : I mean
Aizawa Shouta : so you like cop TV shows?
Yagi Toshinori : They're kind of a guilty pleasure. （／_＼）
Yagi Toshinori : The stupider they are the more I like them
Aizawa Shouta : same
Aizawa Shouta : they remind me of my job
Yagi Toshinori : Me too!
Yagi Toshinori : What's your job?
Aizawa Shouta : I'm a teacher.
Aizawa Shouta : you?
Yagi Toshinori : I'm an accountant.
Aizawa Shouta : so cop TV shows remind you of your dangerous and crime-filled life?
Yagi Toshinori : Of course.
Yagi Toshinori : Being an accountant is quite dangerous, I'll have you know.
Yagi Toshinori : A lot of people come at me with pitchforks near the end of the month. ⊙﹏⊙
Aizawa Shouta : still beats having to deal with 15 year olds all day
Yagi Toshinori : At least the 15 year olds aren't actively plotting your death.
Aizawa Shouta : You'd be surprised.
Yagi Toshinori : You're actually quite fit for a teacher.
Aizawa Shouta : I work out.
Yagi Toshinori : Really? I used to lift, back in the days.
Aizawa Shouta : I don't lift, I
Aizawa Shouta : I'm into martial arts
Yagi Toshinori : Really? So am I! (ﾉ `･∀･)ﾉﾞ
Yagi Toshinori : I'm not as active as I used to be but I try to keep in shape
Aizawa Shouta : Nice
Aizawa Shouta : I mean
Aizawa Shouta : Good for you
Yagi Toshinori : We should spar someday
Aizawa Shouta : Yeah
Aizawa Shouta : Or we could
Yagi Toshinori : Aizawa-san?
Aizawa Shouta : We could get coffee
Yagi Toshinori : I know a place not far from the beach!
Yagi Toshinori : Do you want to meet there? (・_・ヾ
Aizawa Shouta : yeah
Aizawa Shouta : let's do that
Aizawa Shouta : let's meet in person and talk about
Aizawa Shouta : civilian stuff
Yagi Toshinori : ヽ(´∇｀)ﾉ
---
By the time the school day is over, Shouta has managed to turn what he hoped would be a quick one-night stand into a proper, planified date and he has no idea of where he's supposed to go from there. Asides from a short-lived relationships in his distant youth, he has never actually gone on a date with someone, especially not a civilian so he has no idea of what he's supposed to do.
Shouta really done fucked up this time, he really done fucked up good.
Thing is, his whole life is centered around his hero work, he even teaches at UA. What is he supposed to do if Yagi asks him where he's employed? Lie?
Oh wait, actually he can lie. That would make things much easier.
His faith in himself returning ever so slightly, Shouta rests his head against the window of the train and starts planning his fake civilian life in details, doing his best to make it as realistic and banal as it can possibly be, which is a bit challenging considering that he has never actually lived a normal civilian life, but if Wikipedia can be trusted, then he isn't going to completely mess up.
Unbeknownst to him, on the other side of the city, another man with blond hair and bright blue eyes is scrambling to create a fake civilian life for himself before the date he has set up for this week-end. Not being used to civilian life either, he ends up resorting to Wikipedia and a lot of panicked phone calls to build the most of it but, by the end, he's almost sure that he's done enough work for him not to completely blow his cover.
Both of them are actually very, very wrong.